Since it's Friday night...

...and life is too short for coming up with jokes, here's the woman who played George Lopez's wife on his teevee series:

See what I did there? Jokes? George Lopez? Okay, he's kinda funny. Also, sideboob. Yeah.

Earth Day was last week

Oops. I didn't do anything to commemorate it. Thankfully, eco-scold Al Gore did, though, by purchasing a tiny, climate-sustainable bungalow:

[Al and Tipper Gore] spent $8,875,000 on an ocean-view villa on 1.5 acres with a swimming pool, spa and fountains, a real estate source familiar with the deal confirms. The Italian-style house has six fireplaces, five bedrooms and nine bathrooms.

Yeah.

No shirt, no shoes...

...no Statehouse:

A man is battling the Ohio Statehouse over the right to bare feet. Bob Neinast said his feet hurt when he wears shoes, so he goes barefoot nearly everywhere, even in winter. The man from the Columbus suburb of Pickerington calls it a healthy lifestyle that makes him feel closer to places he visits.

When he tried to go shoeless in the Ohio capitol recently, he was stopped by an officer who said Neinast was violating the rules.

On the one hand, "free spirits" will argue that rules are meant to be broken. On the other hand, when they break such rules, they complain that they're being oppressed.

Logic sucks. Especially for hippies.

Maybe so, but it worked, didn't it?

"I've never seen anything like this in my 34-year-career," said Friedrich-Wilhelm Lach, chief executive of regional utility Ueberlandwerke Leinetal GmbH, told Reuters. "It's incredibly dangerous and utterly stupid."

Drinking and driving and drinking some more

You know, what this guy lacks in brains, he almost makes up for with balls:

Police in Florida said a 68-year-old man who refused a field sobriety test after being involved in a car crash drank a beer while talking to troopers.

I can almost see his, um, logic here. I mean, if he's casually sipping a beer while talking to the cops, they're not gonna suspect that he was driving the car, right? I mean, that would be foolish.

There was just one little problem...

The Florida Highway Patrol said Elmer Daniels of Bradenton initially switched seats with his wife after a collision with another vehicle just prior to 8 p.m. Tuesday, but four adults in the other vehicle identified him as the driver, the Bradenton Herald reported Monday.

And he would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling accident victims!

Since it's Friday night...

...and blah, blah, blah, yackety-smackety, here's a picture of Doctor Who's new "companion," Karen Gillan...

Mmmmmm...ginger.

When blowguns are outlawed...

...maybe it will discourage tribe members from the Amazon from coming here and going on crime sprees.

Oh, and outlaws will be the only people who have blowguns.

How to properly create a "time capsule"

1.) Fill a container with stuff from your era. Photos and/or recordings of relevant people from the time in question, along with other items such as fashionable items of clothing or popular gadgets are good items to include. Actually, anything that you feel is representative of your era that will fit in the container will do. Be creative.

2.) Bury or encase your capsule somewhere that will be relevant to people in the future. While future people who have nothing in common with you may find this interesting, people who have some kind of cultural continuity with you might bother to dig this up before a few centuries have passed.

3.) Tell someone where it's located. If you don't do this, the search for your time capsule becomes a scavenger hunt or an archaeological dig. Both of which are fun, but they're missing the point.

This Space Available

While the sentiment behind this is noble, I can't help but think that business owners would get better visibility for their products and/or services through billboards, print ads, or commercials.

I mean, I'm not an expert on advertising or anything, but I'm pretty sure that "some dead guy's ashes" probably haven't traditionally been regarded within the industry as a big draw for customers.

Oh, wait! Maybe if he agreed to become a mummy and sold ad space on his sarcophagus. That would be kinda cool.

Give a hoot, don't pollute

I think picking up trash is a worthy cause and everything, but I doubt that even Woodsy the Owl would venture up here:

Twenty Nepali climbers are setting off to Mount Everest this week to try and remove decades-old garbage from the mountain in the world's highest ever clean-up campaign, organizers said on Monday.

Many foreign and Nepali climbers have cleaned Mount Everest in the past but Namgyal Sherpa, leader of the Extreme Everest Expedition 2010, said no one had dared to clean above 8,000 meters (26,246 feet), an area known as the "death zone" for the lack of oxygen and treacherous terrain.

Gee, I wonder why nobody has ever bothered to drag a bunch of garbage (in addition to all of their necessary supplies) down from a freezing, oxygen-poor environment like the summit of Mt. Everest. Also known as the "death zone."

The next clean-up crew, which will be sent to drag your dessicated, frozen corpses off the mountain, will doubtlessly admire your efforts, though.

(Before they freeze to death and/or die from a lack of oxygen, that is. It's the Circle of Death.)

Since it's Friday night...

...and pretty ladies have been popular pretty much since the dawn of time, here's a photo of Mandy Moore looking perky:

This is where I'd Google some Manilow lyrics if I wasn't so lazy.

Popularity contest FAIL

Um, when you can't beat someone who lacks what is literally the most basic qualification for elected office, you might want to reevaluate the direction in which your political career is heading:

Election officials in a Tennessee county said a town elected a deceased candidate mayor in a landslide -- 268 votes to the incumbent's 85.

Donna Basham, administrator of the Grundy County Election Commission, said Tracy City voters elected Carl Robin Geary, who died suddenly a few weeks ago, over Mayor Barbara Brock, who took office about a year ago after the death of the last mayor, WTVC-TV, Chattanooga, Tenn., reported Thursday.

The article goes on to say that the winner's death was "widely reported" there, so, ouch.

I hate modern life

RT @julietcap16: Down here Lol!

One of Shakespeare's most famous plays gets a 21st century makeover in a new version of "Romeo and Juliet" which will unfold through Twitter messages and on the YouTube video website.

Entitled "Such Tweet Sorrow," the experiment is a collaboration between the Royal Shakespeare Company (RSC) and Mudlark, which produces entertainment on mobile telephones.

[...]

Each character writes their own tweets, guided by an existing storyline and diary which outlines where they are at any moment in the adventure.

And so two families named after the original adversaries the Montagues and Capulets have loathed each other for years after a fatal car crash in an unnamed English market town in 2000.

Juliet, played by actress Charlotte Wakefield, is just turning 16 and wonders whether she should have a birthday party to celebrate. She posts a video on YouTube showing viewers a typical teenager's bedroom.

Her Twitter name is @julietcap16 while Romeo's entry into the messaging world comes later as "he is too busy on his Xbox."

Far be it from me to tell the Royal Shakespeare Company how to do their business, but this is just fucking dumb. I mean, it's one thing to stage a production of Shakespeare's work in a contemporary setting while using the original text, but it's something else to essentially dig up The Bard's corpse and rape it as a stupid publicity stunt. And I don't even particularly like the play.

Also, get off my lawn!

What are the odds?

This would actually be kind of funny if a couple of people hadn't been injured in a traffic accident:

A man has been charged with driving drunk and hitting the car of a retired Maryland judge who once spared him jail time in previous drunk driving case. The suspect, 45, was scheduled to be in court Wednesday to face trial on eight charges related to the August crash where he hit a car being driven by retired Montgomery County District Judge Edwin Collier. Collier, 86, and his wife Ellen Collier, 82, were both injured in the crash.

Irony is like all those games we used to play when we were little kids—it's all a lot of fun until an elderly, retired judge and his wife get hurt.

(We really shouldn't have swiped our mom's car keys and driven around the neighborhood when we were eight.)

(I'm still sorry, Judge and Mrs. Ellsworth.)

Since it's Friday night...

...and, well, you want a photo of a beautiful woman, so here's LOST actress Yunjin Kim:

Funny, but she never looks that tanned on the island. Not that I'm complaining...

I'll admit...

...and I know that this will come as a total shock, but there were occasions where I drank adult beverages before I was of legal age. That said...

Sheriff's deputies in Florida said a 19-year-old woman who asked for a ride home was arrested after opening a can of malt liquor in the back of the patrol car.

Seriously? You couldn't wait until you got home? Or, um, for another couple of years?

(Although I'm not sure cracking open a Mickeys in the back of a cop car, even when you're 21, is a good idea.)

First game of the season

Meatspace buddy Andy took me out to see the Angels play the Twins as a birthday present. The Angels lost, 4-2, but I had a good time, ate a couple of hot dogs, drank some beer, and even got my picture taken with former Angels players Ike Hampton and Clyde Wright, who pitched the first no-hitter in the history of Angels Stadium back in 1970. All in all, not a bad evening.

Just because they're pale and have weird teeth...

Where would we be without universities, those vital centers of learning and research, where the most important topics and ideas are discussed?

A British university is to hold a conference on Vampires in an effort to counterbalance the "Americanization" of the fictional genre.

Delegates to the University of Hertfordshire's "Open Graves, Open Minds: Vampires and the Undead in Modern Culture" conference to be held on April 16-17 will have their food served to them out of coffins as part of a mission to encourage students of all ages to study literature.

English lecturer Sam George, who has just launched a Master of Arts degree in vampire fiction at Hertfordshire, said the most famous vampire narrative of all, Dracula, was written by Irishman Bram Stoker and set in London and Whitby in Yorkshire, but that now with the "Twilight" saga and "True Blood," modern vampires have become Americanized.

So, let me get this straight...a bunch of Limeys are going to get together and discuss how a genre popularized by an Irishman that's loosely based on an Eastern European prince and which has roots in just about every culture in the world isn't sufficiently British anymore?

Yeah.

The pointless pointy parade

Far be it from me to discourage women from baring their breasts in public, but this is kind of stupid:

About two dozen women drew a crowd of onlookers when they shed their shirts and marched downtown in Maine's largest city to promote what they call equal-opportunity public toplessness.

Organizer Ty MacDowell said the point of Saturday's march in Portland was that a topless woman out in public shouldn't attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt.

Okay, at this point, you're probably wondering why I think this whole thing is stupid and pointless. Well...

It's not illegal for a woman to be topless in public in Maine, and police said there were no incidents or arrests.

So, um, why in the hell did they feel the need to do this? It's not like this was something they needed to do in order to overturn some sort of injustice or anything.

Oh, and by the way, for quite some time, I've been of the opinion that the people who like to parade around nude in public probably shouldn't do so. If you doubt me, Google the phrase "Berkeley Breast Freedom Parade."

Just be sure to have some eyebleach handy.

Since it's Friday night...

...and blah, blah, blah, here's Scarlett Johansson, wearing socks and a matching cardigan with colors from the Awesome High School Fighting Awesomethings and little else:

Sure, that school never existed, but I damn sure know who I'm rooting for during their Girls Volleyball games.

Sean's Aunt Hortence M., here

I just wanted to let you know that Sean M. died from an accidental overdose of sex with lingerie models.

HAR! April Fools! It's me, Sean M., pretending to be someone else who can't even come up with a plausible cause of death. And--here's the kicker--I don't even have an Aunt Hortence!

Seriously, though, I didn't want to look through the funny news stories to find something that was probably a prank, anyway. Sorry if you were looking for something funny and new here.

(And, by "you," I mean "who the hell is reading this?")