Happy birfday!

Riley turned five dogs old today. He was just a little puppy yesterday.

(BTW, this little crapblog turned five yesterday. Riley got ice cream and a new toy. The blog got neither.)

Since it's Friday night...

...and it's almost Halloween, here's modern-day pinup gal Dita VonTeese in her Wonder Woman costume, all set for trick or treating and/ or Justice:

Wait, am I the only one who doesn't think that looks like Wonder Woman's traditional costu...okay, I'll shut up now.

That's fatitude for you

What do you do when a company employs you for more than a decade and gives you free meals to boot? Why, you sue them, of course!

A Brazilian court ruled this week that McDonald's must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds (30 kilograms) while working there for a dozen years.

The 32-year-old man said he felt forced to sample the food each day to ensure quality standards remained high, because McDonald's hired "mystery clients" to randomly visit restaurants and report on the food, service and cleanliness.

The man also said the company offered free lunches to employees, adding to his caloric intake while on the job. His identity was not released.

Okay, I've never worked in the restaurant industry, but I'm pretty sure you're not "forced" to snack on the food to make sure it's prepared correctly or that your employees are providing good service and keeping the joint clean. You can simply follow the company's guidelines on how to prepare the food, serve your customers, and clean the restaurant without helping yourself to a few burgers each day.

Also, just because they offer free meals to employees, that doesn't mean that you have to take the food, especially if you're already exercising your own harebrained quality control scheme by scarfing down your own product all day.

But nothing is ever anybody's own damn fault anymore, is it?

Most uneven fight in history

Having been a teenager for several years, I can attest to the fact that they're mostly pretty stupid. However, none of the teenagers I ever knew were quite this dumb:

Investigators said the teenager entered the Friendly Way store, took a bottle of salad dressing from a shelf and waved it at the clerk as if to use it as a weapon while demanding money.

However, police said the teenager agreed to abandon his plans when the clerk pulled a gun from behind the counter.

Robbing a convenience store is a bad idea in general, but it takes a special kind of stupidity to think that a bottle of Ranch is in any way menacing, even if you don't know that the clerk is armed with a gun.

For God's sake, there are probably a couple of knives in one of your kitchen drawers, man.

So you think you can't dance?

I'm not exactly sure why, but somehow it just makes sense that a contest like this was held in Germany:

A group of four German high school students took first prize in the final of the Ugly Dance World Cup held in Hamburg this weekend.

The winners from the northwestern German town of Vechta competed against nine other teams from Germany, Luxembourg and Switzerland.

"They convinced with epic ugliness, horrible appearance and their signature move - the Shy Dance," according to the competition's official website.

Am I the only one who's picturing a variation of Mike Meyers' "Dieter" character from Saturday Night Live writing that?

Here's some more Euro-weirdness from the organizers of this bizarre human puppet show:

"It's so easy to dance nicely, but ugly dancing is an art. We like to call it "ugly aesthetics," they said.

I personally was unaware that it's "easy to dance nicely." Anyone who has personally had the misfortune of seeing me attempt to move my limbs while music is paying can attest to that.

You know, I may just have a shot at this thing next time it rolls around...

Buyer beware (and just shut up)

If you buy, say, a counterfeit pair of designer shoes from a shop and they fall apart right away, you might want to contact the authorities. When this happens to you, however...

A southwestern Pennsylvania man called 911 to complain about some terrible marijuana he had just purchased, which turned out to be something other than pot.

Police say the man told officers he bought the substance earlier that day and that "it was nasty" when he smoked it.

First of all, it's not a good idea to call the police and tell them that you attempted to purchase an illegal substance, even if the end result was "nasty" and not what you thought you were buying in the first place. Secondly, you might get an unwelcome lesson in the way local laws work when you find out that you can be charged with "possessing a counterfeit controlled substance," even when you're the "victim."

Since it's Friday night...

...and it's really pointless for me to say anything here, how about a picture of Ultra-Mega-Supermodel Elle Macpherson?

I would offer to grab you a towel, Elle, but that would kind of ruin everything.

Britain needs a punch in the dick

I'd like to think that the only thing keeping this woman from offering a hearty "Sod off, arsehole!" was the fact that she had young children with her, but she felt "guilty" after the encounter:

A British woman said she was lectured by a city official for feeding white bread to ducks instead of whole grain.

Lisa Taplin, 34, of Hailsham, England, said she and her sons, Luke, 4, and Dylan, 2, were feeding the ducks at a local pond when a council warden approached and told her the white bread she was using was "unhealthy" for the water fowl, The Sun reported Thursday.

We. Are. Talking. About. Fucking. Ducks. Here. People!!!

When you have public officials who have enough time on their hands to bitch about the kind of nutrition that private citizens are providing for free (mainly for the entertainment of their kids, I might add) to a bunch of fucking birds, it's well past time for severe budget cuts.

Oh, and in case you were wondering if this was some kind of rogue busybody...

Nickey Caria, Hailsham's deputy town clerk, said the council warden was "right" to lecture the woman.

That high-pitched whirring sound you hear is Winston Churchill's corpse, spinning furiously.

Telltale clue trips up criminal

When you watch shows like CSI, the thing that ends up helping the good guys catch the criminal is always something minute, like a drop of blood, a fingerprint, or a carpet fiber. In real life, it seems that sheer dumbassery helps the cops catch the crooks more often than not:

Police in Tennessee say it wasn't too difficult to find a man accused of walking out of a Walmart store wearing stolen jeans. He left his old denim behind — along with his wallet.

Officers in Gallatin say 20-year-old Dustin Matthew Marshall tried on the jeans and left without paying for them, but employees found his old jeans and wallet in a dressing room.

WTVF-TV reports police caught up with Marshall and a 19-year-old woman who was with him on Saturday night after a couple ducked out of a steakhouse without paying their bill.

Well, how was he supposed to pay? I mean, he didn't have his wallet with him.

Mmmmm...sacrelicious

I don't want to tell the Catholic church how to do its business, but, guys, you might have been better off jumping on this particular bandwagon sometime in the mid-90s:

The official Vatican newspaper has declared that beer-swilling, doughnut-loving Homer Simpson and son Bart are Catholics -- and what's more, it says that parents should not be afraid to let their children watch "the adventures of the little guys in yellow."

"Few people know it, and he does everything to hide it. But it's true: Homer J. Simpson is Catholic", the Osservatore Romano newspaper said in an article on Sunday headlined "Homer and Bart are Catholics."

Now, Lisa decided to become a Buddhist a while back, but what about Marge and Maggie? I mean, Marge usually has to drag them all to church, so wouldn't she be the most Catholic of them all?

Since it's Friday night...

...and you've been naughty, here's a picture of Famke Janssen, who looks like she's ready to punish you:

Meeee-ouch!

Fat, drunk, and naked is no way to go through life

Well, to be fair, I don't know whether or not these guys are actually fat, but two out of three ain't bad...

A pair of former workers at a Tennessee big cat sanctuary admitted to being naked on the premises but denied running naked through the facility.

Jake Loftis, 22, and Samuel Adams, 26, who lived at Tiger Haven in Kingston and worked as cat keepers, said they were drinking beer naked on their porch Sept. 16 as a protest against their recent firing, the Knoxville (Tenn.) News Sentinel reported Thursday.

Um, am I the only one who doesn't recognize naked outdoor drinking as a valid form of protest? I mean, I'm not a fan of most people being naked outdoors (the people you'd actually enjoy seeing naked are almost never the ones who end up parading around in the buff) but some people have done sorta-valid nude protests. The beer drinking is what makes me suspect that it was less of a protest than a case of a couple of weird guys who got hammered.

"Knock-knock"

"Who's there?"

"A couple of dumbasses."

"A couple of dumbasses who?"

"A couple of dumbasses who need to sleep it off in the drunk tank."

Authorities in southwestern Pennsylvania say they charged two men with public drunkenness after they knocked on a police station door.

A Uniontown police report says 30-year-old Alan Scritchfield, of Uniontown, and 30-year-old Peter Dominick, of McClellandtown, came to the police station about 9 p.m. Sunday.

A police sergeant says Dominick was slurring his words while Scritchfield was drinking out of a plastic cup. Asked what was in it, Scritchfield allegedly told police, "alcohol, Crown Royal" before saying he was drunk.

Well, that at least kept the lab from having to do any tests. There could have been Jim Beam in that cup, for crying out loud.

Least serious international incident of all time

Seeing as how I have the sense of humor of a ten-tear-old, I can see where this guy was coming from:

A New Zealand television host has quit after sparking a diplomatic row when he ridiculed the name of Sheila Dikshit, the chief minister of the Indian capital, New Delhi.

Television station TVNZ came under heavy criticism after its "Breakfast" show host Paul Henry mispronounced Dikshit, despite being told by the lead anchor that it is pronounced "Dixit."

As someone whose name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled, I can understand how frustrating that can be, but COME ON, PEOPLE!!!

Best. Fundraiser. EVAR.

Most people who want to raise money for a worthy cause will use their creative or athletic talents. You know, putting on some kind of show or art exhibit or running a marathon. Being talentless and lazy, this is really more of my kind of thing:

A Canadian man is using the Internet to let people watch him pad around his house in his underwear to raise money for cancer awareness.

The man, identified only as a 38-year-old University of Toronto employee named Mark who is a testicular cancer survivor, has set up www.guyathome.com. If he stays at home for 25 straight days and gets 25,000 "likes" on Facebook, underwear maker Stanfield's Canada will donate $25,000 to the Canadian Cancer Society for testicular cancer awareness.

This gives me an idea...

I demand $25,000 from the public or I will purchase a webcam and begin lounging around my house in my underwear and broadcasting said underwear-lounging online. I should note that I'm pretty doughy and extremely pasty. Oh, and I might even let my balls hang out a little bit.

You have one week to comply with my demands.

Since it's Friday night...

...and you don't care about what I say here, let's get straight to a photo of Monica Bellucci:

For some reason, I don't mind the fact that the only thing I've ever seen you in was that crappy Matrix sequel...

Kids, don't try this at home

You know, this is the kind of thing that you really, really shouldn't do unless you're a professional:

A Kensal man faces charges for allegedly castrating a woman's dog. Television station WDAY reported 55-year-old Kevin Gienger was arrested on suspicion of stolen property and mistreating animals in last weekend's incident.

No, the stolen property mentioned in the article does not refer to the dog's 'nads, but the dog itself. Though I suspect the dog wouldn't mind the guy being brought up an another couple of charges for that.

It goes without saying that Gienger didn't have the woman's permission to perform the ol' snippety-snip, but he claims he had good reason to do so. He said that "the dog was running wild in the neighborhood and causing a nuisance." Whereas some guy performing amateur veterinary surgery on your pets is downright neighborly, I guess.

Don't crimes usually have a motive?

I really don't see the point in something like this:

Police in central Minnesota said a man who claimed he was assaulted and robbed while helping two people was lying. Waite Park Police Chief Dave Bentrud said the 34-year-old Cold Spring man admitted to making the crime up, but it's unclear why.

The man had originally said he stopped Sept. 23 to help two men changing a flat tire at Stearns County roads 137 and 6, but instead the two men hit him in the head with a tire iron and robbed him.

The cops found that his injuries were self-inflicted, and now he may be facing charges for filing a false police report. Is it just me, or is this the worst crime ever?

Can't sleep. Congressman will eat me.

Please, please, please have him appear during political sessions in full clown makeup, a wig, and a tasteful suit...

Voters the world over complain about having clowns for politicians, but Brazilians embraced the idea on Sunday by sending a real one to Congress with more votes than any other candidate.

Francisco Everardo Oliveira Silva, better known by his clown name Tiririca, received more than 1.3 million votes in Sao Paulo state in Brazil's presidential and congressional elections. That was more than double the votes of the second-placed candidate in Brazil's most populous state.

One of his slogans was "What does a congressman do? The truth is I don't know, but vote for me and I'll tell you," which is refreshing in the sense that he's an outsider and not a professional politician, but to my mind doesn't exactly say much about his competence.

That, and he's a fucking clown.

Naked ambition

Somehow, I just don't see this campaign gaining a whole lot of traction:

The Naked Cowboy, a New York busker famous for playing the guitar in his underwear in Times Square, said he is running for president.

The cowboy, real name Robert John Burck, 39, posted a press release on his Web site, nakedcowboy.com, outlining his plan to run for president on a conservative platform, the New York Daily News reported Monday.

This man's proposed candidacy presents some quandaries.

On the one hand, how can we trust him when he claims to be "naked" but is clearly wearing underpants?

On the other hand, would we actually want a president who didn't wear any overpants?

On the third hand (I happen to be a mutant, thank you very much) we're talking about someone here who has no executive experience whatsoever. Oh, wait...

Since it's Friday night...

...and it's after dark, here's a nice picture of model/teevee poker show hostess Leeann Tweeden:

Best. Picnic. EVAR!!!