Nobody likes me, everybody hates me...

...I guess I'll eat some braaaaaaainnnnnns.

Zombies, the ugly cousin of more popular creatures such as werewolves and vampires, are experiencing a boost of fame that will finally get them some attention, according to Otto Penzler.

The editor of a recent anthology devoted solely to zombies believes they have been overlooked for too long.

"Vampires that we've seen from 'Dracula' to Anne Rice's Lestat, to the Stephenie Meyers characters -- they're well-dressed. They're articulate. They're educated. They have good manners. They just happen to have this little quirk of biting people in the neck and drinking their blood," Penzler said in a telephone interview.

"Zombies are really ugly; they don't look good in evening clothes. They're a different thing altogether. They're more extreme."

I'm no expert on zombies with a book to peddle or anything, but I'm gonna go ahead and disagree on that last point. Vampires supposedly have all kinds of powers and werewolves transform from ordinary humans into vicious beasts, whereas zombies just kind of shamble around, eating people who are too slow, clumsy, or stupid to get out of their way or blow their heads off from a safe distance. Sure, they have strength in numbers, but none of that sounds terribly "extreme" to me.

Study finds that many people are not doctors

You know, up until recently, I'm pretty sure that I also suffered from this malady:

One in five British women believe that the debilitating "man-flu" disease which temporarily leaves sufferers prostrate on the sofa watching televised sports is real, according to a new study.

Other symptoms of this disease include headaches, memory loss, acute five o'clock shadow, and a sudden increase in the number of empty beer and/or liquor bottles around the afflicted patient.

This was actually part of a larger study on medical "old wives' tales" (are one in five British women old wives?) including the ideas that carrots improve your vision and that people lose most of their body heat through their heads. This was all "specially commissioned to mark the release of Hollywood thriller 'Contagion' starring Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jude Law," which I can only conclude is actually about a bunch of attractive people calling in sick to work with bullshit excuses.

I've got a bridge to sell you

Usually, that's just a punchline, but...

Two brothers have been charged with stealing a western Pennsylvania bridge and selling the 15 1/2 tons of scrap metal for more than $5,000.

Police say 24-year-old Benjamin Arthur Jones and 25-year-old Alexander Williams Jones of New Castle used a blowtorch to break up the bridge in late September or early October. They face felony charges of criminal mischief, theft, receiving stolen property and conspiracy.

I don't know much about dismantling a bridge of that size, but I would imagine it takes a considerable amount of time and effort, both of which might be better used looking for some sort of honest work. I'm just saying is all.

Since it's Friday night...

...and it's been quite a while since any sexy ladies have appeared here, how about a picture of Canadian actress Jeananne Goossen?

It's also been quite a while since I've had to come up with a caption gag, but who really cares?

Snooze car

I like a good nap as much as the next guy, but I usually wait until I get home before I grab my forty winks. This guy, not so much:

Miami Beach police said Joe Jesus German, 19, stole property from several vehicles Sunday in a valet parking garage at the Fontainebleau Resort before falling asleep in the back of a white Infinity, WTVJ-TV, Miami, reported Tuesday.

"The defendant was later located inside of a vehicle he burglarized, by the vehicle owner who was driving home and found defendant passed out in his back seat," the arrest report said.

The owner of the car called the cops, they got their man, and now he has a bunk to sleep on free of charge, so it's really a win for everybody.

I guess I should explain

So, I guess it's been a month or so since I've updated this here blog, but I have a pretty good reason. You see, it turns out that I'm actually an alcoholic, and the whole persona I'd cultivated online as a Val-U-Rite vodka swilling Moron wasn't really a persona at all. It was my real life. For about fifteen years.

I actually quit drinking at the end of August, but that was just the beginning. After I had my "last hurrah," which was actually a drunken blackout, I stopped, cold turkey. This turned out not to be such a great idea, because I began to suffer from alcohol withdrawal. I didn't sleep for three days, and I had to check into the emergency room. My blood pressure was skyrocketing and I was a shaky, sweaty mess. Then, after I was admitted, I started hallucinating. That lasted throughout the first night in the hospital, and it was terrifying. After that, I calmed down and got lucid, then spent the rest of the week there, detoxing.

After that, I checked into a 28-day residential rehab program, and that was the best decision I've made in years. The staff there are fantastic, and I met a bunch of people who I hope will be lifelong friends. More importantly, I learned more about myself in those 28 days than I have in ages. I got out on Wednesday evening, and I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things at home again.

I'm doing well now. I haven't had a drink in 40 days, and I feel good. I look better, and without all of the calories I'd been getting from booze, I've even lost some weight. My blood pressure is also pretty much normal. I actually fall asleep at night instead of passing out, and when I wake up in the morning (I actually go to a 7 a.m. Sunrise AA meeting every day!) I won't say I feel fresh as a daisy, but I only have to hit the snooze button once.

I would have mentioned all of this sooner, but I didn't have any internet access while I was in rehab. This prevented me from making dick jokes about stupid criminals, but it also kept me from yelling about politics, seeing as how I really didn't know what was going on. I may not have as much of a presence online from now on because sobriety is actually pretty hard work, but I'll be around.