Happy Thanksgiving!

I certainly have a lot to be thankful for this year. I hope everybody else does as well, and that you got to spend some time with friends and family today.

Because shame apparently just isn't enough anymore

In case you were thinking that there is no justice in the universe, well...

If you're searching for a reason not to have sex with animals, add this to the list: It could give you penis cancer, according to a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The authors found that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind.

Let's back up there for a minute to that first sentence. If you are indeed "searching for a reason not to have sex with animals," I dare say it may be too late for you to step back and take a long look at your life and make some positive changes. In fact, it may just be too late for you to escape the mob of angry people who are probably setting fire to you house as you read this. Which actually might not be a bad way to go out compared to the cancer that's rotting your awful, awful dick off.

For those of you who aren't sick, twisted animal rapists and have still managed to stick with this, I'd like to apologize for the following:

A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals.

Or they could, you know, maybe just STOP FUCKING ANIMALS!!! Oh, wait...

She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. "They might become more cautious," she said, "but they wouldn't change their nature."

There are people all around us who will risk life and limb to make the world a better place. Some will rush into burning buildings to save innocent children. Others will take a bullet for their fellow soldier. And then there are apparently people who will risk getting cock rot in order to fuck a Shetland pony.

Some days, the sun really just can't burn out fast enough.

Scheduling conflict

When people are upset, they don't always do a great job of thinking things through, but most people do a little better than this:

Lee County Port Authority Police said Soraya Evette Billinge, 36, called from her cellphone and told the dispatcher she was upset about her husband working nights because she doesn't like being home alone, WBBH-TV, Fort Myers, reported Tuesday.

A transcript of a recording of her phone conversation with the dispatcher indicated she said her husband works for Delta Airlines at the airport.

Billinge became upset when the dispatcher told her police could not help with her problem, police said.

"OK I blow up, I blow up 10 planes," she allegedly said before hanging up the phone.

Okay, let's look at where she went wrong. First of all, if you're unhappy about being at home alone while your husband is stuck working at the airport, threatening to blow up several planes is probably not going to get him home from his shift any faster. Also, making that threat directly to a police dispatcher is likely to cause you some legal difficulties. Other than that stuff, though, pretty solid plan.

Slap on der wrist

So, some German guy was out celebrating Halloween dressed as Yoda, and that's not even the part of this story I'm going to focus on...

Investigators said the 42-year-old Weiterstadt man, whose name was not released, had apparently been out celebrating Halloween Saturday night, dressed as the "Star Wars" character, and struck a pedestrian while driving home early Sunday morning, the Berliner Kurier reported Monday.

Well, since he hit somebody, it would clearly be in poor taste to make a Yoda syntax joke here (you know, like "Drive drunk, friends do not let friends, young Skywalker") but that's still not the part of the story that I'm interested in...

Police said the driver was stopped about two minutes after striking the pedestrian, who sustained minor injuries, and was forced to walk home when officers took his license.

Okay, there it is. The guy is driving drunk, clips a pedestrian, and the cops just make him (well, let him, really) walk home? People sometimes complain that the penalties for drunk driving around here aren't harsh enough, but that kind of incident would at least land you in the drunk tank overnight.