Parents of the year

Sure, the smell of the smoke was a giveaway, but you know what else was a sign that these people were high? The fact that they ordered chicken at Arby's:

Police have arrested a couple allegedly caught smoking marijuana while waiting in the drive-through line at an Arby's restaurant with their 1-year-old in the back seat. A restaurant employee noticed the aroma late Friday and called 911, then had the couple wait for their order of chicken as police sped to the scene.

Officer Brian Silcox said he smelled marijuana while approaching the car. He said both a 27-year-old man and 25-year-old woman told officers Chatman had been smoking a cigar.

Police also said a loaded handgun was found in the car.

Thankfully, the child was distracted from the gun and the weed by several playthings, which included several broken whiskey bottles, a couple of rusty knives, and a few empty dry cleaning bags.

Rubbed the wrong way

I know that we're not supposed to judge other cultures and their peculiarities, but this is just stupid:

A family in Saudi Arabia has filed a lawsuit alleging theft and harassment on the part of a malevolent genie.

Officials with the Islamic Shariah court said the family alleges a genie has been leaving them threatening voice mail messages, stealing their cell phones and throwing rocks at them outside their home, CNN reported Monday.

"We have to verify the truthfulness of this case despite the difficulty of doing so," court head Sheik Amr al-Salmi, told the al-Watan newspaper. "What makes this case and complaint more interesting is that it wasn't filed by just one person. Every member of the family is part of this case."

Um, there's actually no difficulty here because genies (malevolent or not) don't exist. And every member of the family is either crazy or a liar.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the woods to hunt for Bigfoot.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I can't be bothered to look for any funny news stories, here's a picture of Gillian Anderson, looking like a sexy Victorian strumpet:

Scully!!! Daaaaaamn!!!

Chop it down

So, some town in Poland discovered that an oak tree planted there has a connection to one of the darkest chapters in the history of the world. A connection to the man who invaded their country and killed thousands of people. You'd think that everyone there would be happy to see that tree cut down, right? Not so much...

Not everybody in this town of 38,000 shared Kurowska's view that the tree must go.

"It was 1942 when the Germans brought a seedling of an oak here and planted it in the center of the town with all honors, an army orchestra and salutes," said Kazimierz Polak, who was present at the planting ceremony as a child 67 years ago.

"My father told me then that it was Hitler's birthday and we found out later the seedling had come from Braunau am Inn (in Austria) where Hitler was born," Polak said.

"It's a historic curiosity. What is the oak really guilty of? It's not the tree's fault that it was planted here to honor the biggest criminal and enemy of Poland."

Um, the oak isn't really "guilty" of anything, but keeping something that was meant to be a monument to "the biggest criminal and enemy" of your country isn't exactly what I'd consider patriotism.

And the whole thing about being there for the ceremony with the "army orchestra and salutes" is, um...yeah. Huh.

Underdressed for the occasion

Have you ever watched old black and white footage from the first half of the 20th century, where men wear a suit with a crisp white shirt and a tie and women wear nice dresses everywhere? Well, standards sure have slipped since then:

Investigators said Christopher Hoff, 41, arrived at Optimus Dental in Stratford completely naked and fled the building once the female receptionist began screaming, The Connecticut Post reported Wednesday.

Officers arrived on the scene and people on the street pointed them in the direction of the "naked guy," police said.

Police said they tracked Hoff to his home, where he answered to door and claimed to have been sleeping all day. However, they said the receptionist at the dentist's office identified him as the naked man.

"She recognized him immediately -- his eyes are very blue and he has a good tan," the police report of the incident states, the Post reported.

Um, I'm pretty sure there are at least a couple of other ways in which she could have identified him, though I guess she was probably happy to recognize him by his eyes and his tan.

Bottomless stupidity

Pantsless, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through Delaware:

A spokesman for Maryland's Cecil County Sheriff's Office says 41-year-old Jonathan Schultz "was driving commando" and only partially covered with a towel on his lap, though he was wearing a shirt.

Lt. Bernard Chiominto says Schultz was stopped Saturday near Rising Sun for going 69 mph in a 50-mph zone.

Chiominto says the deputy smelled alcohol and noticed Schultz's semi-exposed situation. The Newark, Del., man told the deputy he'd lost his pants, and the deputy didn't find any in the car.

Well, that stands to reason. After all, he said he lost his pants and he was in the car. Isn't that the first place where he would have looked for them?

(Okay, that was pretty weak, but I don't get paid to write these jokes.)

About a dozen kinds of creepy

Um, I think you'll forgive me if I can't summon any comment pithier than ewwwwwwwwww:

A New Zealand Internet auction site said it has pulled two postings by a teenager who sought to sell nude pictures of his mother.

The 18-year-old Auckland student, identified only as Michael, said he put up his first offering on the Trade Me Web site, promising "five naked photos of my mum," after his mother told him to clear out the family garage and sell any unwanted items, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday.

Michael said he attempted to sell a series of "glamor" shots of his mother, including a picture of her wearing only underwear, on the Web site after it deleted his first auction.

The student said the first auction was "a bit of a joke."

"I did it a bit sneakily but she found out. At first she was was pretty shocked, but then she went along with it. I just wanted a bit of extra cash, we're not rich or anything," he said.

Yeah, I'm not "rich or anything" either, but if I [shudder] happened to find nude pictures of my mom, I don't think my first inclination would be to sell them to strangers. That said, if I did do something that skeevy and my mom found out about it, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go along with it, preferring instead to kick my ass all over the place. In fact, I'm fairly certain that had I done something that fucking wrong, I would not be typing this, seeing as how I'd be quite dead and buried somewhere out in the Mojave Desert.

Happy Independence Day!

Since it's Friday night...

...and I don't really feel like looking for a wire story about people being idiots, here's a picture of Kristen Bell in sexy lingerie:

Though she never dressed like this on the show, I still miss "Veronica Mars."

"All she could say was that it was a horrible mix up"

I don't know about that. Sounds like an incredibly sexy mix up to me:

A class of fifth graders in California got a shocking crash course on the birds and the bees courtesy of their teacher and an x-rated home video she accidently included in a DVD of classroom memories.

The error was not caught until after the DVDs were distributed to the students and their families. Parents tell CBS 13 Sacramento that the woman is a good teacher that made an honest but embarrassing mistake.

According to the station, the offending DVD starts with a menu screen that displays various school trips and functions. Click on one of them and “you see kids in a classroom sharing stories. They then start clapping and the video suddenly cuts to sex.”

Um, I understand that mistakes sometimes happen, but who has clips of their sex tape anywhere near a video they're making for a bunch of elementary school kids?

Der

This is just so stupid that I don't even feel the need to make a joke:

Police said June 22 security camera footage from the Greenbrier Mall store in Chesapeake recorded a man with a T-shirt over his head stealing nine iPods and two jugs of Heroes at Home donations for needy military families at about 9:45 p.m. while recording himself committing the crime on his cell phone, The (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported Wednesday.

Nathaniel Forester, 20, was arrested and charged with grand larceny and entering a building to commit a felony. He allegedly sent the video of himself committing the crime to his ex-girlfriend after giving her one of the iPods as a gift.

Okay, let's break this down:

1. Stealing a bunch of stuff is not a good idea.

2. Creating video evidence of yourself doing the above is a much worse idea.

3. Sending said video to someone is even more idiotic.

4. Sending said video to YOUR EX...Just...just...seriously? I mean...really?

5. Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. FAIL spectacularly.

"I'm not the best criminal."

That's what William K. Bradley admitted to a judge during a hearing on Monday. While undoubtedly true, it was still something of an understatement:

He stole a computer.

From the Kalamazoo County jail.

Where he already was serving a sentence in a different case.

Kalamazoo County Circuit Judge Gary Giguere Jr. sentenced Bradley on Monday, telling the Kalamazoo resident his jailhouse theft was "the dumbest crime I've heard today" and "may be in the top half-dozen in my career."

If there are five dumber crimes that Giguere has heard in his court room, I'd like to hear about them. No, seriously. That's the kind of thing I crack lame jokes about here, and someone trying to do something more idiotic than trying to swipe a computer from a jail where they were already serving time would be right up my alley.

Worst. Competition. EVAR.

I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know how this event even got started:

A 10-year-old girl set a new world record by bringing 567 worms up from the ground during Britain's World Worm Charming Championships.

Sophie Smith of Willaston, England, won the competition in her village Saturday by besting the previous world record of 511 worms listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday.

A number of techniques were employed to try to coax worms from the ground during the light rain Saturday, including a man who strummed rock tunes on his guitar, a woman who tap danced to the theme from "Star Wars," a man who played the xylophone with bottles and the most common method, sticking a garden fork into the ground and smacking it with a stick to create vibrations.

Yeah, it sounds like whoever eventually comes out on top at this thing, there aren't actually any winners there.

Deposit slip-up

My bank used to have those pneumatic tubes at their drive-thru windows, and they didn't want you to put anything but cash, checks, or deposit slips in the canisters, much less anything like this:

According to the arrest report, the teller notified a supervisor that a customer in a white SUV had sent her a deposit canister containing $200, a deposit slip and a bag of marijuana with another bag of white powder inside.

TPD was called about 4:30 p.m., and Officer Jamie Martinez stopped the only white SUV in the teller line. He detained the driver, [Cameron] Jefferson, who was identified by the teller as the customer who made the deposit, according to the report.

Jefferson told Martinez that he sent the canister with $200, according to the report. He became frustrated that the transaction was taking so long and asked several times for his money back.

Jefferson told Martinez, "If you said I did it, then I did it," according to the report. When asked if he accidentally grabbed the plastic bag when putting his money in the canister, Jefferson said "I put it ...," then refused to comment further.

Well, what else is there to say, really? Other than, perhaps, "I think I'd like to speak to an attorney."