Reindeer cause global warming

Hey, kids! Did you know that Santa Claus is raping Mother Earth? Well, a bunch of Aussie jagoffs seem to think so:

The report titled "The Hidden Cost of Christmas" calculated the environmental impact of spending on books, clothes, alcohol, electrical appliances and lollies during the festive season.

Lollies, for those of us who didn't grow up in the British Commonwealth, are apparently hard candies. But I digress...

Water that would approximately fill 42,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools was used in the production of Christmas drinks last December -- most was used to grow barley for beer and grapes for wine.

Like the Aussies wouldn't have drunk all of that beer and wine anyway. Riiight.

"If your bank account is straining under the pressure of Christmas shopping, spare a thought for our environment," Don Henry, the foundation's executive director, said in a statement.

"It's paying for our Christmas presents with water, land, air and resources. These costs are hidden in the products we buy."

Translation: don't buy anything. Capitalism = teh sux0rz!!1

"We can all tread more lightly on the earth this Christmas by eating, drinking and giving gifts in moderation, and by giving gifts with a low environmental cost, such as vouchers for services, tickets to entertainment, memberships to gyms, museums or sports clubs, and donations to charities," said Henry.

But those vouchers and tickets have to be printed on paper of some sort, and the printing process probably uses some electricity. The gyms, museums, and sports clubs were built on land that was probably the habitat for some sort of endangered dingo or poisionous kangaroo. And I bet some of the workers at those charities drive to their offices--some of them in non-hybrid cars, even!

No, it's probably best not to give anybody anything. Hell, abandon your possessions and go live in a hole in the outback if you want Gaia to have a merry Christmas. So long as the hole doesn't disturb the habitat of some sort of horrible bacteria, that is.

And as for the environmentalists, I'd suggest that they ought to get coal in their stockings, but...well, it's coal.