Strong, smart, homicidal

I don't know if Alec Baldwin is really a tough guy, but he plays one in the movies on the internets. I'll get to that in a minute.

But first, Baldwin writes about how he's proud to be an American (he roots for our athletes in the Olympics--really!), likes to hang out at the Lincoln Memorial, and is concerned about government waste. He's even for lower taxes...sort of.

He's all for a strong military, but wants it to be strictly controlled by civilian authorities. "Some extremists," he says, think it ought to be the other way around, but he doesn't (of course) say who they are.

He waffles a bit on illegal immigration, calling the issue "a pathetic, conservative think-tank attempt to take people's minds off the debacle of Iraq in order to fend off the threat to the GOP Congressional majority in the 06 election." It's a conspiracy, you see.

Oh, and Bush and Cheney stole both of the elections they won. He knows it in his heart, he sez. Compelling evidence, that.

Nearly finished, Baldwin paraphrases Ben Franklin on the need to balance security and civil liberties, but misses a chance to misquote Thomas Jefferson as saying that "dissent is the highest form of patriotism." Disappointing, Alec.

At long last, we come to Baldwin's tough-guy fantasy, which you'll have to read to believe:

I offer a patriotic fantasy for all of my fellow Americans today, on this 4th of July. It's a fantasy, so bear with me. I am in a large apartment complex. I turn a corner, and there are a couple of Muslim men wearing headsets, whispering tersely into the microphone. Suddenly, one man erupts and says, "Where is the car? Where is the car? You fool!" They sprint off down the hall. At that instant, Osama Bin Laden comes out of a door. He is oblivious. I make my move. Bin Laden reacts, but too late. We tumble into his upper floor suite. I have him in my grasp and, conveniently, I spy a box cutter on the table. (Hey...it's a fantasy.) Osama struggles, swearing at me in his native tongue, until I jam the box cutter into his neck. I do it again. Fading, Bin Laden says (this time in English for my benefit) "Good luck with '30 Rock'. I am a big Tina Fey fan."

Um, what is Bin Laden doing in an apartment complex? How did he manage to sneak into the country unnoticed? (I know, I know--through Bush's incompetence, of course.) And is Baldwin really comfortable profiling these "Muslim men"? Not very racially sensitive there, Alec. I understand he acknowledges that this is a fantasy--nay, a "patriotic fantasy"!--but would Osama really be a fan of the non-burqua-clad Ms. Fey? Or is that the direction "30 Rock" is going in? These questions will have to remain unanswered, though, because he's not quite done...

I gather up the body of the world's most notorious terrorist and hurl it over the balcony. Then, in the final stroke of luck, Bin Laden lands on Dick Cheney.

God bless America.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just witnessed Alec Baldwin, internet tough-guy, admitting in public that he fantasizes about killing the Vice President of the United States of America.

What a patriot.

(Via Expose the Left.)