Astro-nuts

This story gives me hope in a perverse sort of way, since it demonstrates that even extraordinarily talented, driven, and successful people can screw up just like the rest of us schmucks.

An astronaut drove 900 miles and donned a disguise to confront a woman she believed was her rival for the affections of a space shuttle pilot, police said. She was arrested Monday and charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts.

U.S. Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, 43, who flew last July on a shuttle mission to the international space station, was also charged with attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery. She was denied bail.

Police said Nowak drove from her home in Houston to the Orlando International Airport to confront Colleen Shipman.

Nowak believed Shipman was romantically involved with Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, a pilot during space shuttle Discovery's trip to the space station last December, police said.

Nowak told police that her relationship with Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship," according to an arrest affidavit. Police officers recovered a love letter to Oefelein in her car.

If you thought this story was good so far, oh brother, just wait—the really good craziness is just beginning...

When she found out that Shipman was flying to Orlando from Houston, Nowak decided to confront her, according to the arrest affidavit. Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate, authorities said.

Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

And it seems they wear them during crazy-ass kidnapping attempts, too.

Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, Nowak boarded an airport bus that Shipman took to her car in an airport parking lot. Shipman told police she noticed someone following her, hurried inside the car and locked the doors, according to the arrest affidavit.

Nowak rapped on the window, tried to open the car door and asked for a ride. Shipman refused but rolled down the car window a few inches when Nowak started crying.

Big mistake there, honey. Were I the kind of person who talks to the characters on the screen, this is where I'd be yelling at her not to roll down the window.

Nowak then sprayed a chemical into Shipman's car, the affidavit said.

Of course she did.

Shipman drove to the parking lot booth, and the police were called.

During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Inside Nowak's vehicle, which was parked at a nearby motel, authorities uncovered a pepper spray package, an unused BB-gun cartridge, latex gloves and e-mails between Shipman and Oefelein. They also found a letter "that indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein," an opened package for a buck knife, Shipman's home address and hand written directions to the address, the arrest affidavit said.

It's probably a good thing that this Nowak woman was so batshit crazy in love. If she'd been a little more lucid, she might've come up with a better plan, and those garbage bags could be full of Shipman in little pieces out in the Everglades.

If she's convicted, she could end up getting life in prison.

Update: Donnah brings up a thought that I had, but forgot to add:

I'd say NASA needs to beef up the psych eval section of their fitness reports before someone up in the space gets their Tang poisoned.

She also links to a photo of Cmdr. Oefelein, who she describes as "devastatingly unremarkable," though I must say he has a haircut you could set your watch to.