Parading around in the nude—literally

You know, I'm as big a fan of naked ladies as the next guy, but there are just some situations where that sort of thing is inappropriate. Like, say, at a family-friendly Independence Day parade for instance:

A woman seen frequently in Ashland riding topless on her bicycle says she plans to be in Ashland's Fourth of July parade free and independent of all clothing but a hemp G-string. The Chamber of Commerce says that's contrary to the rules for the family celebration. She says she'll sue if she can't parade as she wishes.

Jen Moss has been known as "The Naked Lady" since she moved to Ashland in May from Ojai, Calif., drawn by the town's nudity laws. They specify only that people must cover their genitalia in a city park or the downtown commercial district, which means Moss need not cover her breasts.

The police in California, she says, harassed her when she rode her bicycle wearing a G-string and pasties.

No, you don't say.

Moss applied for an entry for the parade, which draws thousands each year.

The Ashland Chamber of Commerce learned of her coverage plans from an online posting. She promised to lead in-line skaters "wearing only a hemp G-string and blowing a conch shell."

"We don't feel that someone in the parade who is topless or nearly naked is appropriate for a family audience," said parade chairman James Kidd.

I tend to agree with him, especially since the rules of the parade "clearly indicate that entries must be appropriate for a family audience."

Now, here's where the story takes a turn toward the stupid:

City Council member Eric Navickas said he's on Moss's side.

If she can't be in the parade, Navickas said, it would be "an interesting commentary on our society that we're willing to tolerate dead bodies through our aggressive foreign policy from the war, but not healthy, naked bodies."

You know what I think is an interesting commentary on our society? The fact that even a stupid douche like Eric Navickas can hold elected office.

Anyway, back to the thong-waering attention whore for the last, foolish word:

Moss told the Ashland Daily Tidings in an e-mail that if she can't be nearly naked in the parade, she would "run around near naked protesting their unconstitutional(ism) and un-Americanism." And she said, she would ask the American Civil Liberties Union for help in a lawsuit.

Ah, but of course. And they'll turn it into a big free speech argument, where some skank should have the right to shake her dirty pillows in front of a bunch of kids because the First Amendment clearly gives her the right to express herself any way she sees fit.

The Founding Fathers would be so proud.