Study yields unremarkable results

Youth, it turns out, really is wasted on the young...

Older people like reading negative news stories about their younger counterparts because it boosts their own self-esteem, according to a new study.

In other news, old dudes resent not being able to get a boner while their younger counterparts always sport wood, wish they didn't have to get up to pee several times every night because of prostate issues, and want you to get the hell off their lawn because you should not be on their damn lawn.

Seriously, GET OFF THE LAWN!!!