Because shame apparently just isn't enough anymore

In case you were thinking that there is no justice in the universe, well...

If you're searching for a reason not to have sex with animals, add this to the list: It could give you penis cancer, according to a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The authors found that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind.

Let's back up there for a minute to that first sentence. If you are indeed "searching for a reason not to have sex with animals," I dare say it may be too late for you to step back and take a long look at your life and make some positive changes. In fact, it may just be too late for you to escape the mob of angry people who are probably setting fire to you house as you read this. Which actually might not be a bad way to go out compared to the cancer that's rotting your awful, awful dick off.

For those of you who aren't sick, twisted animal rapists and have still managed to stick with this, I'd like to apologize for the following:

A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals.

Or they could, you know, maybe just STOP FUCKING ANIMALS!!! Oh, wait...

She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. "They might become more cautious," she said, "but they wouldn't change their nature."

There are people all around us who will risk life and limb to make the world a better place. Some will rush into burning buildings to save innocent children. Others will take a bullet for their fellow soldier. And then there are apparently people who will risk getting cock rot in order to fuck a Shetland pony.

Some days, the sun really just can't burn out fast enough.