Since it's Friday night...

...and I put a picture of a sexy lady here once a week, here's actress Eva Mendes, catching you eyeballing her butt.

Well, can you blame us? Huh?

What do you get for the person who has everything?

Although I'd probably prefer to own one of his suits or something, I guess that owning a set of Churchill's dentures is pretty cool...

Without his gold-plated false teeth wartime prime minister Sir Winston Churchill would never have been able to make such rousing wartime speeches.

Indeed, they were so crucial to him that he carried a spare set at all times.

And a collector clearly held them in equally high regard, bidding more than three times the guide price at this afternoon's sale to snap them up for £15,200.

This is probably why I'm not allowed near historical artifacts, but if I was the guy who bought these false teeth, I likely couldn't help but rinse them off, try them on at least once, and spout off a couple of Churchill's more inspirational quotes.

I mean, would you buy one of Abe Lincoln's stovepipe hats without trying it on and reciting the Gettysburg Address? I think not.

I've never been to Florida...

...but I'm pretty sure that they don't actually share a border with another country.

Authorities in Florida said they are investigating the origins of illegally placed road signs warning drivers of an "illegal alien crossing."

Of course, I'm not sure that I'd like a bunch of dudes from Georgia or Alabama sneaking into my backyard, but that's more of a thing where I hate NASCAR fans, country music, and Jeff Foxworthy.

(See what I did there?)

Keep your hands to yourself

This may be one of the most confusing things I've ever read:

Police said a Dallas woman was threatened with a knife in a fight that allegedly started when a friend rubbed her bottom with a finger. A police report states 22-year-old Laquita Mattox was sitting on her friend's bed in a Dallas apartment Thursday when her friend rubbed her finger on Mattox's buttocks.

The police report said Mattox clenched, breaking her friend's bed, angered the unidentified friend and started a fight.

First of all, the word "her" is used so much there that I'm not sure whether or not we're talking about a guy or a woman using their finger to rub someone's "bottom."

Also, how does one break a piece of furniture by, uh, clenching?

On second thought, I'd rather not know.

An idea whose time has come

"In the early days, there was a bit of a scare as to how this whole thing might pan out, because the village has another library," he said. "They were afraid that this would attract more people and it indeed turned out to be the case."

Click here to find out the rather obvious solution to boosting literacy.

(No, it's not prostitutes as librarians, but...um, hold on, I need to do some research into the legal requirements for starting a business in certain counties in Nevada.)

Since it's Friday night...

...and you don't care about what I have to say here, I'll just put up a picture of model/actress Stacy Keibler...

A baby oil spill at the beach isn't really that much of a tragedy.

I wish I had gone to law school

Because I would have actually enjoyed making some money on this bullshit:

New York City's famous Naked Cowboy is headed to court to protect his trademark from the Naked Cowgirl.

Robert Burck says Sandy Kane is damaging the brand he built through more than a decade of strumming his guitar wearing only briefs and a cowboy hat. He's earned as much as $1,000 a day working Times Square from about 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Kane wears a bikini, cowboy hat and guitar in her role as the Naked Cowgirl.

The federal suit filed Wednesday asks the court to keep Kane from doing anything that would violate Burck's trademark.

I'm not sure how they name these cases, so is this going to be labeled "Naked Boy v. Naked Girl"? Because, that would be the best court case EVAR!!!!!!!

Good weather ruins movie shoot

For once, the end of a decade-long drought is actually a bad thing:

Heavy rains have delayed shooting for "Mad Max 4" after turning the Australian Outback action film set from a dust bowl into lush green pastures, a report said on Thursday.

Broken Hill, the desolate setting for the film and usually bone-dry, has been transformed into a verdant oasis by the downpours, which have broken a decade-long drought in parts of the country.

About 200 crew are in the isolated New South Wales town for pre-production, but filming has now been postponed until January, the Sydney Morning Herald said.

"You can't kick up any dust, it's too green and moist and they need dry and dusty," said Hugh Gough, of the town's Caledonian Bed and Breakfast.

Well, if you were actually hoping to live in a parched and sand-blown post-apocalyptic desert wasteland, I guess that kind of sucks.

Big mama

A lot of women worry about dropping the weight they've gained during pregnancy. I get the feeling that's not really much of an issue in this case:

A 600-pound New Jersey woman has been declared the Fattest Woman to Have Given Birth by Guinness World Records.

Donna Simpson, who gave birth in Akron, Ohio, 3 years ago when she weighed 532 pounds, said she will be officially named the record holder during a September ceremony in New York, the Akron Beacon Journal reported Tuesday.

Simpson said she has since grown to 600 pounds and dreams of reaching 1,000 pounds.

Well, I guess everybody should have dreams. Yeah.

"There's a whole underground world of people who want to gain weight," Simpson said. "People don't know about it too much. But there's like a lot of women who are like 135 pounds and secretly want to be 400 pounds. But I'm a little extreme."

Lady, you're not a "little" anything.

She goes on to say that thousands of people pay money to watch her eating and doing housework in her lingerie (yes, I just threw up in my mouth, too), so I guess the fact that she's been impregnated twice without the aid of a turkey baster isn't completely far-fetched.

What the hell, people?

Well, this isn't at all insane or anything:

Filipino teenage singer Charice Pempengco says she prepared for her debut on the hit TV show "Glee" by getting Botox and an anti-aging procedure "to look fresh on camera."

Okay, I looked like a sack full of buttholes when I was eighteen (and I haven't improved much since then) but...

...Jesus, how crazy do you have to be to think that a face like that needs botox?

"All people will be anticipating how will Charice look? Is she good enough to pit against Rachel Berry? So of course there is tremendous pressure," Charice said. Berry is portrayed by Lea Michele, who is 23.

Okay, so she refers to herself in the third person and is already pitting herself against one of her fellow actresses.

Yeah, that's kind of crazy right there.

Since it's Friday night...

...and you're expecting to see a sexy lady, here's "UFC Octagon Girl" Arianny Celeste, who presumably makes something where sweaty dudes in little shorts roll around on the ground a little less gay:

That's one spicy...taco. Yeah, the taco.

Logic!

See if you can wrap your head around this one:

An Austrian woman has had to convince her electricity supplier that she is alive after the company wrote to her asking for information about her contract following her "passing away."

In a personally addressed letter, the Linz-based company said it had heard of her death through her bank, daily Oesterreich reported on Thursday.

Um, if she's supposedly dead, how is she supposed to respond to the letter that they sent her?

Do they know something about the zombie apocalypse that we don't? And is there a market for undead power customers that the rest of us should be investing in? I mean, they probably require a significant amount of refrigeration...

(I'm over-thinking this, aren't I?)

Department of Lame Excuses

Back in the 90s, it was really popular for celebrities wear some sort of colored ribbon pinned to their clothes when they went to award ceremonies to show that they really cared about a particular cause, like red ribbons for AIDS. I think they still do it, but it's not as big of a deal these days.

This is, well, something that's a little bit different:

Border agents said a New York man who's on probation and not supposed to leave the country explained away the ankle monitor he was wearing while returning from Canada as a show of support for actress Lindsay Lohan. Customs and Border Protection officers found the bracelet around 29-year-old Eugene Todie's ankle July 9 after he allegedly tried to re-enter the country using someone else's passport.

There's no word in the article about whether or not the passport he used was Lohan's, though that would probably make just as much sense.

The getaway

I'm guessing that this was some sort of clothing store which caters to the very lazy:

New York police said a geriatric robber with a cane and an oxygen tank fired three shots at a clothing store before fleeing empty handed.

There is no word in the article about whether or not his oxygen tank doubled as a jetpack, but I'm guessing that was probably the case. Because, otherwise...well, I really shouldn't have to explain this.

British military turns to horseshit

Quite literally, actually:

Bio-fuel pellets made from horse manure will help power the new barracks of the Royal Horse Artillery, the Ministry of Defense announced.

Recycled waste and bedding from the regiment's 111 horses will provide enough low-carbon energy to cover the heating and lighting requirements of the ceremonial unit's new base in Woolwich, southeast London.

[...]

The King's Troop, an equestrian unit that performs ceremonial duties on state occasions, plan to move to their new headquarters in November 2011.

Yeah, and while it's nice that you're doing something to save Mother Earth, your budget for cologne that the troops performing "ceremonial duties" are gonna have to bathe in ahead of "state occasions" is going to be astronomical.

Since it's Friday night...

...and while I'm one of the few people who has never watched the teevee show "Mad Men," I've heard good things about Christina Hendricks, who is pictured below...

Gee, the sun sure shines nicely on her, um, hair. Yeah.

Clothes make the man

And in this case, they make the man a jackass:

Authorities have charged a 29-year-old man with aggravated assault and false imprisonment after they allege he held his mother hostage for failing to iron his clothes. Carroll County Sheriff's Office Sgt. Marc Griffith said the man remained in jail Wednesday without bond. The unidentified woman was not harmed in the June 30 incident.

You know, dry cleaning may not be cheap, but it's probably less expensive than bail.

And that's one to grow on.

He's gonna need to say a shitload of Hail Marys

Heaven knows I'm not exactly the most pious or upright guy in the world by a longshot, but dude. Or, I should say, but, Father:

The Rev. Kevin J. Gray was a popular priest who appeared to live humbly, foregoing a car and walking to Mass from another parish where he lived so that a Catholic charity could use his space at the rectory. Parishioners thought he had cancer and admired how he helped immigrants in his largely poor parish in Connecticut.

But after a routine audit of the church's finances turned up discrepancies, authorities began a criminal investigation that they say unraveled a secret double life of male escorts, strip bars and lavish spending on the finest restaurants, luxury hotels and expensive clothing, financed with money stolen from the parish.

"About a million," Gray told authorities without hesitation when asked how much he took from the church account, according to his arrest affidavit.

Seriously, was he trying to commit all of the Deadly Sins or something? I mean, it's not like he killed anyone (that we know of) but there are a bunch of details about a lot of the scummy stuff he allegedly did at the link.

And get those couches cleaned, too

Um, what's to keep her from moving them out and back into the house again?

A 91-year-old woman found living with the corpses of her husband and twin sister will be allowed to keep them if she installs a mausoleum or crypt, a prosecutor said Tuesday.

Jean Stevens has indicated through her attorney that she plans to build an aboveground vault on her property to store the bodies of James Stevens and June Stevens, according to Bradford County District Attorney Daniel Barrett.

"If she does that, the bodies will be released for that purpose," he said. "Otherwise they will be re-interred."

Stevens' attorney, Leslie Wizelman, did not immediately return phone messages left at her office.

Stevens previously told The Associated Press that she kept the embalmed remains of her loved ones because she wanted to be able to see them and talk to them. She also said she's claustrophobic and couldn't stand the thought of their bodies in caskets in the ground.

State police have been investigating the bizarre case since the corpses were discovered in mid-June. Authorities found the body of James Stevens on a couch in the detached garage and the body of June Stevens on a couch in a spare room off the bedroom.

Um, you know what I can't stand the thought of? The fucking dessicated corpses of my loved ones hanging out on the couch with me.

If you need companionship, get yourself a dog, lady.

Nobody's perfect

That said, most of us are at least accurate within a certain distance:

San Diego police say an "honest mistake" led a drunken partier to get undressed and fall asleep in a condo nearly 20 miles from his own home.

"This gentleman thought he had been walking into his own home, which is in Mission Valley," Police Lt. Jim Filley told The San Diego Union-Tribune. "We think it was an honest mistake."

The problem here obviously rests among property developers in the San Diego area, who clearly should have been making more of an effort to ask the architects they're hiring to vary their designs a bit.

Also, drunk.

Since it's Friday night...

...and you're expecting some feminine pulchritude, here's a picture of Michelle Trachtenberg's beautiful, um, smile:

Yeah, I feel a little creepy about ogling Buffy's former little sister, but DAMN.

Hell, I didn't know either

It turns out that Americans aren't the only people who aren't paying close attention to the World Cup:

Eight percent of Russians believe their national team will win the World Cup, despite the fact that it never qualified for the tournament, an independent poll has showed.

Wow. I'm actually surprised that only eight percent of Russians were bombed out of their skulls on rotgut vodka enough to delirium-tremens their team on to winning an impossible victory.

(By the way, there was no word in the article on whether or not there were similar results among Detroit Lions fans.)