Swimming to jail

I've noticed over the years that few of my neighbors who have swimming pools ever use them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that nobody wants to use the pool:

A nude man covered in feces broke into someone’s backyard and jumped into the pool Saturday, according to a Martin County Sheriff’s Office report.

Robert Stark Higgins, 21, of the 5300 block of Southeast Dell Street, Stuart, was charged with burglary to an occupied dwelling, disorderly conduct and misdemeanor theft. He was being held at the Martin County Jail in lieu of $10,500 bail.

The article doesn't mention why Higgins was nude or exactly whose feces he was covered in, but that might be for the better.

Um, okay

"It's like my excitement for the day," said onlooker Samantha Jensen, who is six months pregnant. "Besides morning sickness."

I've never been pregnant, and barring some mad scientist's breathrough, I never will be, but I'm hoping that I'm never drawn to the smell of anything like this.

Best in the West!

Congrats to the Angels, who clinched their third straight AL West title with a decisive 11-0 victory over the Rangers.

This has been a tough season, with some of the stars out for long stretches with injuries, but, more devastatingly, because of the death of promising young pitcher Nick Adenhart and two of his friends at the hands of a drunk driver. The team chanted "Adenhart! Adenhart!" as they sprinted out to his picture on the outfield wall and laid their hands on it.

Now, let's take that passion and beat the hell out of the damn Red Sox, m'kay?

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'm about to head out to a friend's birfday party, how about a photo of boobalicious Brit babe Keeley Hazell?

Mammaries in the UK!

Finally!

A store across the pond is launching a new line of underpants that will, apparently, redress a decades-long injustice:

The new range, by UK-based Hom, will have a horizontal opening instead of a vertical slit accessed from the right-hand side, breaking a tradition that has lasted for 75 years.

"In our view, this is a vital step toward equality for left-handed men," said Rob Faucherand of Debenhams store.

The article goes on to mention that "left-handed men have to reach much further into their pants, performing a Z shaped maneuver through two 180 degree angles before achieving the result that right handed men perform with ease" in order to take a leak.

**If you don't want to learn something VERY personal about me, I'd seriously suggest that you quit reading this right now.**

Um, I've been wearing boxers for years now, and they have the "slit" right in the middle, as the article goes on to mention, but I don't remember the tighty whities that the article is doubtlessly talking about being especially convenient for right-handers, either. In fact, I've always suspected that the kind of underpants we're discussing were designed by a vindictive woman.

When room service delivers, I hope there's minimal eye contact

I don't travel very much, but when I do, I might take some of the soaps or mini bottles of shampoo and conditioner home from my hotel room. Other people smuggle out towels. Guests in British hotels apparently like swiping some other, um, items...

The Residence in Bath, England, which until recently offered sex toys for rent to guests, said patrons would often walk off with the items.

"Beyond the usual things, such as shampoos and bath towels, the most frequently stolen items were our sex toys," a staff member said.

"I would call them up to explain that they had been caught taking them without paying," she added. "A pregnant pause would inevitably follow."

Huh. A "pregnant" pause? Man, you'd think they would clean those off before renting them to their next guests.

Gotta love living here

230 grand is a lot of money...

...but keeping a rotting corpse in your house for several years doesn't really sound worth it, if you ask me:

A Florida woman was sentenced on Monday to a year and a day in prison for keeping her dead mother's body in a bedroom for years while collecting more than $230,000 in pension benefits, prosecutors said.

Penelope Sharon Jordan, 61, of Sebastian, Florida, pleaded guilty to theft of government funds in June, the U.S. Attorney's Office in Miami said.

Police said when they found the body in a spare bedroom in March, Jordan told them her mother had been dead for at least six years. During the sentencing hearing, evidence indicated that Jordan told her sister their mother had died before December, 2001.

Um, I guess her sister didn't bother to attend the funeral. Assuming that she even bothered to stage one, that is.

There's no word in the article on whether or not Ms. Jordan had anything to do with running a motel.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I can't even be bothered to make an excuse here, how about a picture of Kristin Kreuk in her Underoos?

Um, is it me, or is it just a little nipply in here?

Crack for clunkers?

God knows I haven't always been the best son, but at least I've never done anything like this to my dad:

The Fresno County Sheriff's Office said deputies responded to the home of a 74-year-old man just after 4 a.m. Wednesday and the man told them his 39-year-old son had taken his Lincoln, The Fresno (Calif.) Bee reported Thursday.

Sheriff's spokesman Chris Curtice said the 39-year-old returned while deputies were still at the house and investigators learned he had traded the car for about $50 worth of crack cocaine in downtown Fresno.

I don't know much about crack, but I would think you could get more than fifty bucks worth for a Lincoln. I guess it's a buyer's market.

Sleazy rider

I've never ridden a motorcycle before, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do it like this guy:

Authorities say a Florida man was charged with driving under the influence after he was spotted riding his motorcycle naked. The Marion County deputy was driving on Interstate 75 early Tuesday when he spotted what appeared to be a naked man on a motorcycle. The deputy caught up with 45-year-old J. Dante Krauss at a red light and stopped him.

Capt. Mike Rolls said Krauss could not explain where he was coming from or why he was naked.

You know, that might just be a good thing.

Yet another reason to take the stairs

It's good exercise, of course, but you might also avoid this guy...

Investigators said Antonio Vega, 51, was charged with criminal mischief and given a $2,000 elevator repair bill after cameras set up in two Plainsboro buildings owned by Sharbell Development Corp. captured him urinating in elevator cars, the Trenton (N.J.) Times reported Tuesday.

Police said Vega, who has allegedly been relieving himself in the elevators since June, works as a laboratory service representative and frequently visits the two buildings to pick up blood and urine samples.

Yeah, and I guess he was leaving a few urine samples behind, too. HEY-OH!

I don't think I'll be getting tickets

I know we're not supposed to stereotype people, but why am I not surprised that we've got Germans stacking some extra horror on top of some regular horror...

German anatomists plan a new show dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex as part of the Body Worlds exhibitions.

Gunther von Hagens and his wife Angelina Whalley show corpses prepared using a technique invented by von Hagens called "plastination," that removes water from specimens and preserves them with silicon rubber or epoxy resin.

"It's not my intention to show certain sexual poses. My goal is really to show the anatomy and the function," Body Worlds creative director Whalley told Reuters in an interview, adding the sex exhibition may open next year.

Call me some kind of prude, bur I think I'll stick with my regular hangups about sex without checking out a bunch of dead bodies in the act.

Never Forget

It's been eight years since that otherwise quiet morning when nearly 3,000 people, including the man pictured above, were murdered by a gang of thugs and barbarians, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I think I'll always remember it like it was yesterday.

Justice delayed

The wheels of Turkish justice turn slowly. And embarrassingly, too:

A Turkish woman accused of cutting off her lover's penis must wait 18 months for a verdict and sentencing while a court determines whether his re-attached penis still functions, a court source said Thursday.

The criminal court in the Black Sea town of Trabzon will wait for a medical report assessing whether the 28-year-old victim has regained full use of his organ or if he is permanently disabled, an official involved in the trial said.

"To determine which crime was committed, we first need the report," the source said. "We'll continue holding hearings in the trial from time to time until we receive the report."

Now, if I was the guy who had his junk chopped off, on the one hand, I'd want to see the person who did it locked up for as long as possible. On the other hand, providing the court with reports about my peener that would presumably become part of the public record? Yeah, I don't think I'd really enjoy that.

What's for lunch?

Something awful, apparently, and I don't just mean bologna:

A former Ohio deputy accused of feeding an inmate a bologna sandwich that been rubbed against another inmate's genitals has pleaded guilty to two health code violations. In a Columbus courtroom on Wednesday, 38-year-old Joseph Cantwell also apologized for the shame and embarrassment that he said he had caused.

Um, if I was the one who ate that particular sammich, I think "shame and embarrassment" would be the least couple of things I'd be worried about.

Kids these days

While I'm fairly certain that kids have been pretty stupid since the dawn of mankind, it sure as hell seems like they haven't been getting much smarter as of late:

Australian authorities said two girls lost in a drainage well system
used their phones to update their Facebook statuses instead of calling police.

Glenn Benham, a spokesman for the Metropolitan Fire Service in Adelaide, said the girls, ages 10 and 12, posted Facebook updates saying they were lost in a storm drain in the city's south suburbs and a friend who noticed the updates called police, Britain's The Daily Telegraph reported Tuesday.

The article goes on to note that since they were able to use their phones to access their Facebook pages from inside the storm drain, they could have just, you know, called the authorities directly. Yeah.

Well, at least he didn't test positive for steroids

I'm not a fan of chess, but if I happened to be the kind of person who plays the game for a living, I think I'd probably show up sober for my job:

A leading French chess player turned up drunk and dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, domestic media reported Friday.

Grandmaster Vladislav Tkachiev arrived for Thursday's match against India's Praveen Kumar in such an inebriated state that he could hardly sit in his chair and soon fell asleep, resting his head on the table, Hindustan Times newspaper reported.

There are plenty of jobs where you might be excused for being exhausted enough that you need to take a rest, but I don't think "Guy Who Plays Chess" is among them.

Since it's Friday night...

...and someone who shall remain unnamed is getting impatient, now would be a good time to post a picture of Beyonce casting a come-hither look over her lovely bare shoulder:

Um, while that's a very nice manicure, would you mind moving your left hand? Thanks.

All glory is fleeting

One minute, you're on top of the world. Then, in an instant, the freakish trait that has defined you for decades is snatched away from you...

A great-grandmother whose 34-inch fingernails snapped off in a car crash has revealed that the accident left her feeling like she had lost part of her identity.

However, 68-year-old Lee Redmond, of Salt Lake City, Utah, admitted it had become much easier to get around since she was robbed of her record-breaking assets.

Really? Doing things is easier without fingernails that are nearly three feet long? I never would have guessed.

Speaking publicly for the first time since the crash, she said: "Losing my fingernails has been the most dramatic thing that's happened in my life.

Yeah, I'm sure it made the birth of your children seem like a real anticlimax.

Oh, and check out this disconnect...

"The thing that bothered me with losing the fingernails was that it becomes your identity and I felt like I'd lost part of that."

"Yet I would always say when people would make comments about my fingernails, you know there's more to me than my fingernails."

Um, you spent thirty years growing them out, setting a Guinness Record for being the woman with the world's longest nails. I find it a little hard to believe that you thought people might not immediately have their attention drawn to that little detail.

But I'm sure your opinions about 18th century British literature are just fascinating. Yeah.

Sure, rules are rules...

...but, sometimes, you've just got to make an exception:

A Florida man born without arms says a Tampa bank would not let him cash a check because he couldn't provide a thumbprint.

Steve Valdez didn't have an account at a Bank of America location in downtown Tampa, where he tried to cash a check from his wife last week. However, Valdez has prosthetic arms and is unable to provide a thumbprint. He says he presented two forms of identification but was still denied.

I know there are more than a few dishonest people out there, but I tend to doubt anyone would hack off both their arms just to cash a check.

Fine art

I'm not a fan of most modern art styles, but I dig Photorealism, mainly because I'm the kind of Neanderthal who likes paintings to look like, you know, their actual subjects.

Check out this gallery of sketches, most of which look like black and white photos. Amazing.

How to make a bad situation worse

Aside from a couple of traffic tickets, I've never been in trouble with the law. That said, I think I could handle things a little better than this guy did if the cops showed up at my house:

Officers came into contact with 64-year-old Dennis Fike at 11:30 p.m. while responding to a report of a loud party and violation of a protection order at his home at 911 5th Ave. S., Sgt. Ross Renner said.

“Sometime during that contact, Mr. Fike pulled his pants down, defecated on the floor, made a comment to the officers and, at which point, attempted to kick fecal matter at the officers who were present,” Renner said Monday.

Renner said Fike indicated to police that he had to go to the bathroom, but there weren’t enough officers present to allow him to do so, because they were still waiting for backup.

“So, he, uh, yeah,” he said.

I like to think of myself as someone who has a way with words (hey, shut up!) but I'm pretty sure I would describe an event like that in a similar fashion.

Uh, yeah.