Since it's Friday Night, Winter Olympics Edition...

...and I suppose it would be more patriotic to find a U.S.Olympian tonight, but...

...daaaaaaaamn, Yu-Na Kim is a Gold Medal hottie!

School daze

When you were a kid and you complained to your mom about something that happened at school, she may have said something like "You're too old for me to be fighting your battles for you anymore," and you may have been upset by that. On the other hand...

Police said the mother of an elementary school student drank a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor before brandishing a sword in her child's school. The woman, 32, apparently intended to confront the parents of another child who had been in a spitting match with her child the previous day.

According to court records, an employee at Riverview Elementary School in Memphis reported a drunk woman armed with a sword was running through the halls of the school and had threatened to cut her.

Well, at least the woman was sober enough not to threaten to shoot the employee with her sword.

What? I'm a glass half full kind of guy.

Pasty nerds unite!

You apparently have nothing else much to do, really:

"Participants in a British "flash mob" event said hundreds of "Star Wars" fans came out to a shopping center for a massive lightsaber battle.

Organizers of the flash mob -- defined as an event organized online involving a large group of people carrying out an unusual activity in public -- said hundreds of Jedi knights and Sith lords brought their lightsabers to the Cabot Circus shopping center in Bristol, England, Feb. 13 for what was dubbed "the world's largest lightsaber fight," The Sun reported Wednesday.

There's nothing about the average level of sexual experience of the participants in this "Star Wars" light saber flash mob, but, well, you know...

There ought to be a law

But since being a douche is still legal, I guess the authorities will have to settle for this:

Police said they've arrested a teenager who caused thousands of dollars in damage to a western New York home's hardwood floor by break dancing on it while wearing a large diamond belt buckle.

Erie County Sheriff Timothy B. Howard said the 18-year-old apparently was intoxicated when he arrived at a house party held by the victim's daughters in Elma, a small town just east of Buffalo. He said when the teen repeatedly tried to break dance he gouged the floor and caused about $3,000 worth of damage.

I like how the article mentions that he "repeatedly tried" to break dance, implying (more or less) that he repeatedly failed.

A fool Frog and his money...

I had no idea that the French economy was booming so much that they could waste their money on this kind of crap:

Thrill-seekers in France tired of the usual array of white-knuckle sports are turning to a bizarre new service to get their adrenaline rush -- designer abduction.

For 900 euros ($1,226), clients of Ultime Realite ("Ultimate Reality"), a firm in eastern France, can buy a basic kidnap package where they're bundled away, bound and gagged, and kept incarcerated for four hours.

Alternatively, they can opt for a more elaborate tailor-made psychodrama, involving an escape or helicopter chase for example, where costs can quickly escalate.

Um, if you know that you're going to be kidnapped, and you shell out the money specifically for the helicopter chase, doesn't that kind of ruin the element of surprise? I mean, the helicopter chase is gonna be somewhat anticlimactic if you know that you're probably not going to, you know, die at the end in a fiery crash. That's no fun, is it?

Oh, wait, I get it now...you have someone kidnapped by a bunch of thugs as a present.

Happy birthday!

Since it's Friday Night...

...and you'd rather see a good-looking woman than read about some dumb criminal, here's a pic of Elizabeth Hurley:

(Insert [heh] Austin Powers "Oh, yeah, baby"-type joke here.)

Dear John,

My greatest hope for 2010 is that you go oh-fer at the Big A. Especially if your sellout ass ends up pitching there in the postseason. In fact, I'd be more than happy if you suffered a career-ending arm injury during Spring Training, seeing as how you're dead to me and most of the Angels fans who have supported you since 2002.

Please die in a fire, you fucking Red Sox piece of shit.

With Hate,

Sean M.
Lifelong Angels Fan

Honesty is the best policy

It's refreshing in this day and age to ask someone a direct question and to get a direct answer, without any bullshit. Of course, there are some situations where there's really no point in lying:

Sandy police Sgt. Troy Arnold said the homeowner heard a strange noise at about 10:30 p.m. Wednesday and discovered a man had entered his home through a rear window and was loading items from the home into the resident's car, The Salt Lake Tribune reported Thursday.

Arnold said the homeowner demanded to know why the man was in his house and the suspect responded: "I am burglarizing your home."

Confronted in a similar situation, I would have used my superior intellect to demand to know why the homeowner was actually in my home, and then asking them to leave. I would even nonchalantly pour myself a drink as I was doing all of this, getting into the homeowner's head.

Then, I would spend several years in jail. But it would be funny as hell.

(For me. Not for the terrified homeowner. But my amusement is what counts.)

Ah, wedded bliss

When people say that "the honeymoon is over," they're not usually referring to the first few hours after the wedding:

A marriage got off to a rocky start...

I'm gonna stop right there and say that the previous sentence fragment is likely the understatement of the month:

...after the 21-year-old groom from northern Idaho was arrested twice on his wedding night and charged with assaulting his new wife in nearby eastern Washington. Court records show Nathan Lewis of Lewiston, Idaho, was charged Tuesday in Asotin County Superior Court with second-degree assault and interfering with a report of domestic violence.

Oh, and it gets better. Well, not exactly better. Well, actually, much worse:

Police say that after Lewis was released on bail, he assaulted his new wife at a home in nearby Clarkston, Wash. The bride told authorities she was slapped and choked during the altercation, the Lewiston Tribune reports.

A discount coupon for a divorce lawyer isn't a traditional wedding gift, but I think it would actually be appropriate here.

Horrifying news sentence of the day

Um, what the hell is going on here?

Nearby, a man reached inside his skimpy nun's outfit and shortly afterward emitted a sigh of relief.

Trust me, foax, in context, it really ain't that much better.

What is art?

I may not be a tenured expert or anything, but I think I'm safe in assuming that this isn't it.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I can't be bothered to find anything funny to link to and you'd rather see a sexy woman anyway, here's a picture of Jessica Biel:

I'll take one of those, on the rocks.

Thisis where I'd normally make a joke...

...but but this really sucks...

An East Tennessee grandfather has been charged with endangerment after police said they stopped him while he was driving, drinking and holding his grandson in his arms. WRCB in Chattanooga reported the man was stopped because his van had a broken tail light. The station says surveillance video then shows the driver exit the van holding a 2-year-old.

Well, at least he didn't leave his grandson behind the driver's seat.

Hugs, not drugs

I don't know a lot about drug-sniffing dogs, but I'm pretty sure they're not fooled by flowers...

A week before Valentine's Day, a consignment of cocaine was found hidden among 20,000 roses from Latin America at Amsterdam airport, Dutch authorities said Wednesday.

The roses, a popular February 14 Valentine's Day gift, arrived last Sunday on a flight from Bogota, Colombia, which stopped over in Puerto Rico, the public prosecutors' office said in a statement. The drug was found in cellophane packets hidden in boxes containing the roses.

The stuff came from Bogota, Colombia? Really? The hell, you say!

(Actually, I didn't know they grew roses there. Who knew?)

Flush

There's apparently some hanky-panky going on in the bathrooms of my Alma Maater:

If you see strangers in the building, give us a call. If you see people walking around with bags that look like they may be carrying tools or parts, give us a call. We're hoping to pick up some sightings of suspicious people in the area.

All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not an East Bay plumber.

Declined

This guy made a couple of big mistakes. Well, I'm actually sure that he's made quite a few mistakes over the course of his life, but he made a couple of big ones recently.

*hint* Nobody takes Diner's Club anymore.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'm too damn lazy to do anything but a Google Images search, here's a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar:

You really slay me, Sarah! (Get it? Huh? Shut up.)

Garfunkel never has this problem

You know, because, well, I don't really have to spell it out, do I?

New York police said they arrested a man who allegedly tried to withdraw money from Paul Simon's bank account
by impersonating the musician.

Police sources said Rafael Ramos, 54, attempted to withdraw $4,300 from Simon's account at a Citibank branch Wednesday using the recording artist's name, bank account number and Social Security number, the New York Post reported Thursday.

However, the bank teller was familiar with Simon's work and recognized that the 6-foot-1 Ramos was 10 inches taller and years younger than Simon.

Um, I don't know much about identity theft, but I'm pretty sure that when you're trying to steal money from a famous person who you look nothing whatsoever like, you probably want to do it over the phone or online, not in person.

An F for effort

If movies and teevee shows have taught me anything (and they've taught me lots of stuff) it's more traditional to bake this kind of stuff into a cake:

On Monday, jail officers found tobacco and a baggie full of oxycodone pills inside a melon that was destined for use as food for jail inmates.

It wasn’t hard to spot.

“It was like a pumpkin, with a noticeable cut around the top,” said Phil Stanley, jail administrator. “Somebody would have had to be a little bit more sneaky than they were.”

Only "a little bit more sneaky" than that? In that case, just wait until Halloween.

I didn't know birds had a sweet tooth beak

From the unusual sentences department:

A 19-year-old Scottish man who admitted to threatening his grandmother's parrot for interrupting his sleep was ordered to apologize with chocolates.

Far be it from me to second guess the court, but I think a bag of sunflower seeds would be more appropriate.

Oh, wait...