Two-time loser

When you've been busted for marijuana possession, that might be a clue that you should straighten out and fly right. Apparently, this guy didn't get that message:

"The driver was Donald Brown, who was just released from our custody after being arrested for marijuana possession and use [about 6 a.m.]," Koran wrote in his report. "It was apparent that Brown would still be under the influence of marijuana."

Police asked Brown why he was smoking marijuana after just having been released for possession of marijuana. He said he had "only smoked a roach" -- the remnant of a marijuana cigarette -- and was fine to drive, according to the police report.

Officers then administered a field sobriety test, which they said Brown failed.

Brown claimed, according to the report, that police were out to get him and that he "only smokes weed, not crack, not heroin."

He thought the police were out to get him? That seems kind of unusual. I mean, who's ever heard of someone getting paranoid after smoking weed?

Sometimes, I really hate people

I was just at a local shopping center, and there was a car parked across from mine that had a plastic panel on its trunk with a logo that read "Slut Bangger." And, yes, it was really spelled that way.

Um, that rings a little hollow for some reason

Sure, Anthony Pruitt may have robbed a Florida bank, but before being sentenced for that little indiscretion, he sure sounded contrite:

"I've done wrong. I'm ashamed of what I did. I was desperate and confused," Pruitt told the court before his sentencing. "I ask you to be lenient because I'm a good man at heart. A real good man at heart."

Can you believe that even after hearing such a heartfelt plea, the mean old judge hearing the case sentenced such a nice man to 78 months in prison? Why, it's like he didn't believe Mr. Pruitt for some reason...

Pruitt, who has 16 prior convictions for fraud and theft, was also ordered to pay $5,375 in restitution and sentenced to three years of federal probation following his release from prison.

Oh. Yeah. That makes him sound somewhat less believable, I guess.

Find a better spot

I'm not of the opinion that dealing drugs is ever a really good idea, but if you've simply got to do it, there are some locations you might want to avoid. Case in point:

Everett police said a 24-year-old man picked the wrong place to try to deal drugs — a stall in the police station restroom. Police Sgt. Robert Goetz said the man was overheard Wednesday using a cellular telephone to try to sell Oxycodone, a prescription painkiller, and other drugs.

Goetz said that as the man was leaving, he saw a gun-wearing plainclothes police sergeant who had overheard the call.

Gee, fancy running into a cop in a place like that. Dumbass.

Kids these days

Seeing as how I don't have any kids, I'm usually reluctant to give other people parenting advice, but something tells me that these people need to have a good, long talk with their daughter. Well, as soon as she makes bail, anyway:

Delaware State Police said they were called to a Laurel home about 3 a.m. Sunday by the girl's parents, who had locked themselves inside their bedroom while their daughter threatened them from outside and attacked their door with knives, the New Castle-Wilmington (Del.) News Journal reported Tuesday.

The girl's father told officers he had taken away the teenager's phone after suspecting she had stolen money from her mother to purchase minutes.

Police said the girl put down her two large kitchen knives after speaking to officers for about 10 minutes. She was arrested and charged with possession of a deadly weapon during the commission of a felony, two counts of aggravated menacing, terroristic threatening, disorderly conduct, theft, criminal mischief and possession of a deadly weapon by a person prohibited.

I think the lesson all of us can learn here is pretty obvious: If you're going to take away your psycho teenage daughter's cell phone, you should probably hide all of the knives in the house first. Live and learn, huh?

Mother of the year

It's usually a good thing when a parent tries to teach his or her children a new skill, but that kind of depends on the skill:

A Lehigh Acres woman took four children clothes shopping Sunday at the Lee Boulevard Wal-Mart.

But instead of a lesson in good deals, authorities say Bradley taught them the basics of shoplifting and then left the four to try it themselves.

When they were caught, Latoya Bradley, 24 of Lehigh Acres, fled and abandoned the children there, the Lee County Sheriff's Office said.

Bradley remained in custody Monday at the Lee County Jail on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, child cruelty and larceny petit theft.

Up next for Ms. Bradley? Probably teaching the kiddies how to sneak stuff into jail for Mommy.

Fool me once, shame on you...

Seeing as how this worked for her the first time, I can't really blame the woman for trying again:

The Nordea bank branch in Svendborg said the 61-year-old woman first visited the bank Thursday and traded two 2,000 kroner notes from the Swedish version of the popular Parker Brothers game for 1,400 Danish kroner, which equals about $240, The Local reported Monday.

Branch manager Ulrik Feveile Nielsen said the woman returned to the bank the following day to exchange an additional 8,000 Monopoly kroner. He said staff noticed the attempted fraud and immediately contacted police.

Was the previous day trainee day or something? Or is Swedish Monopoly money incredibly realistic?

Sobriety has its value

I understand that it's always nice to kick back, relax, and have a few drinks, but it's not always appropriate. Like, say, before your public drunkenness hearing:

A southeastern Pennsylvania man and woman seeking leniency on public drunkenness fines he hasn't paid have now been cited for public drunkenness in the judge's office. The pair visited District Judge Rodney Hartman's office in New Holland on Wednesday. They were responding to a warrant notice over fines the man owes for an October public drunkenness conviction. He said he didn't have money to pay.

Someone noticed that the two appeared drunk at the judge's office. Police gave Breathalyzer tests and say the two had blood-alcohol levels far above the legal limits for driving.

Yeah, see, the idea is to wait until after the judge has granted you leniency to party. Dumbasses.

You just haven't lived...

...until you've heard your Chinese neighbors' band doing a sing-along of "Obra-Di-Orba-Da." Yes, really.

(Their bass player is actually pretty good.)

Public what now?

Did someone say Public Fister? No? I must be hearing things* or something.

*Explanation here.

Teevee is ruined for me now

I helped my dad set up his new big-ass 50" plasma High-Def set tonight. The picture and sound are amazing. Unfortunately, my own 27" set, which I bought several years ago and can't afford to replace at the moment, looks like a window into a mud puddle now. Even with the digital converter box.

Like that Icarus guy, I fear I might have flown just a little too close to the sun.

What are the odds of that?

Man, talk about your crazy coincidences:

A German teen-ager caught shoplifting tried to dupe police by lying about where he lived -- but ended up in even more trouble when the address he gave turned out to be the home of an investigating officer.

[...]

"It was complete coincidence," said a police spokesman. "The thief gave that address because he'd once lived in the house. The policeman was the guy who moved in afterwards."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...things like this lead me to believe that God not only exists, but also has a pretty decent sense of humor.

Smuggler's clues

I don't know a lot about smuggling drugs, but I'm fairly certain that the main principle you're supposed to follow is that the stuff is supposed to be hidden in something that's not suspicious:

Italian customs police have arrested five people in separate drug busts, including two Brazilians who tried smuggling in cocaine hidden between packaged meat slices. Police at Rome's Leonardo da Vinci airport said Tuesday they seized 33 pounds of the drug last week.

Police Lt. Giuseppe di Stasio said officers became suspicious when they found packages of red meat in the luggage of the Brazilian man and woman. Inspection showed small packets of cocaine had been hidden between the meat slices.

Yeah, see, most people don't pack meat in their luggage. They probably should have hidden it in something a little less obvious, like, say, behind the canvasses of several priceless paintings.

Ice cream headache

Damn, what are they putting in their ice cream down in Australia? I ask because in a recent alcohol-related court case, a frosty treat proved to be the pivotal evidence:

The man, whose name was not given, had asked Frankston Magistrates' Court to remove the breath testing alcohol interlock device from his car, the (Melbourne, Australia) Daily Sun reported Tuesday.

Prosecutors inquired why the machine had registered a "fail," which prevents the car from starting, despite the man's claims that he had not been drinking.

The man claimed the alcohol reading was the result of eating a Bubble O' Bill ice cream treat and Magistrate Rod Crisp ordered a test to be performed to back up the claim. Police recorded the man's blood alcohol content as 0.00 and performed the test a second time after he took a few bites of Bubble O' Bill, yielding a 0.018 reading.

Crisp granted the man's request to remove the breath testing device from his car.

The article goes on to explain that eating some foods before taking a breath test can create a false positive. I'm guessing Foster's-flavored ice cream is one of them.

Hello, police?

It's always a good thing when you can admit it when you've made a mistake, but you have to be careful about who you admit it to:

Sheboygan County prosecutors say a 21-year-old man who crashed his uncle's car called police to report that he stole the car and had been drinking. The man was charged Friday with a felony count of taking and driving a vehicle without the owner's consent. The charge carries a maximum penalty of six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

The lesson you should take away form this is either that you shouldn't drink, steal a vehicle, and drive, or that being a dumbass is pretty likely to land you in prison.

Actually, now that I think about it, those are both pretty valid lessons.

Bad-luck bandit

It sounds to me like somebody needs to find a new getaway driver:

The zany episode began at 11:35 a.m. Tuesday at the TJ Maxx store, 1501 Del Prado Blvd. S.

Store security specialist Amy McCooey told police she saw a woman with long black hair, who was wearing a nurse's scrubs, walk into the store and go directly to the handbag section.

The woman rolled up six designer Dooney & Bourke purses, worth $200 each, stuffed them in her pants and walked out of the store, reports state.

A security camera shows the woman concealing the handbags.

McCooey said she was confronting the woman outside the store when a silver Saturn with two people inside pulled up.

The woman tried to get into the vehicle, but "she fell out and was run over by the car," reports read, without going into details.

Undaunted and apparently not worse for the wear, the woman "stood up and jumped onto the hood of the car" as the getaway vehicle driver headed for the exit, police said.

However, the woman "fell off the hood and was run over again," police said.

The woman managed to get up again and this time got into the car on the passenger side and the vehicle sped off, McCooey told police.

As if getting run over twice wasn't bad enough luck, she also dropped a check at the scene of the crime that also happened to bear the name of the registered owner of the getaway car. That might just turn out to be significant, though the cops haven't been able to track her down at any of her listed addresses. I'm thinking they might want to try a few local hospitals.

Vlad-U-Rite

If there's one thing the Russians know, it's vodka. That said, I think I'll stick to Val-U-Rite:

A vodka named after Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is struggling against the popular "Putinka" inspired by his overbearing mentor Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, a newspaper said Thursday.

"Medvedeff" vodka hit the shelves last month but has not caught on like "Putinka," which appeared shortly after Putin became president and now has 4.4 percent of Russia's vodka market, the Vedomosti business daily reported.

I wonder if there was a vodka named after Boris Yeltsin. His own consumption of the stuff probably could have accounted for a solid two percent of the market.

Robbery FAIL

I don't know a whole lot about robbing banks, but I'm pretty sure one of the keys to a successful heist is making sure that the building you're holding up actually contains a bank:

Police in Kentucky said an attempted armed robber left a former bank without any loot after finding the facility had been converted to a water district office.

Nicholasville police spokesman Scott Harvey said the suspect entered the Jessamine South Elkhorn Water District office, which used to be a Farmer's Bank, at about 1 p.m. Tuesday and brandished a revolver, The Lexington (K.Y.) Herald-Leader reported Thursday.

However, Harvey said the suspect "left with nothing" after employees explained to him that the bank had left the building. No one was injured in the incident, police said.

The article does not go on to say whether or not the man decided to pay his water bill since he was there anyway, but I'm guessing no.

Liar liar

This has got to be one of the stranger scams I've heard of in a while:

Police say a New Jersey man posed as a female animal doctor, ran an illegal veterinary practice and set up a phony rescue agency that may have duped pet lovers out of thousands of dollars. Vineland police arrested 26-year-old Daniel C. Tyce on Friday and charged him with practicing medicine without a license. He is being held on $10,000 bail.

Police say he ran a business called South Jersey Small Animal Rescue, falsely identifying himself as Dr. Danielle Smith, a graduate of the University of Pennsylvania veterinary school.

I mean, I get the whole thing about pretending to be a fake veterinarian, but why also pretend to be a woman? On second thought, maybe I'd better not ask.

Tipple while you work

I'm no lawyer, and I know absolutely nothing about the Peruvian legal system, but I'm still pretty sure this sets a bad precedent:

Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent.

The Constitutional Tribunal ordered that Pablo Cayo be given his job back as a janitor for the municipality of Chorrillos, which fired him for being intoxicated at work.

The firing was excessive because even though Cayo was drunk, he did not offend or hurt anybody, Fernando Calle, one of the justices, said on Wednesday.

Oh, well I guess that makes it okay to show up to work trashed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a move to Peru to plan.

This is why everyone hates lawyers

I realize that when you've got a successful brand, it's in your interest to protect it, but this is really lame:

"American Idol" wants an Austin strip club to take it off. The company that owns the popular television show sued in federal court to stop the weekly "Stripper Idol" contest at Palazio Men's Club. FremantleMedia North America also wants to seize Palazio's profits from the amateur stripping contest.

In its lawsuit against Palazio, FremantleMedia calls "Stripper Idol" a trademark violation that could mislead the public to think the TV show sponsors the event, The Dallas Morning News reported in Tuesday editions.

Advertisements for the stripping contest use a logo with a "color scheme, design and font" similar to the TV show's. Waitresses at the club also wear T-shirts emblazoned with the logo, according to the lawsuit.

"Defendants are infringing upon FremantleMedia's trademark rights," the suit alleges. "There is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest."

The only people who would conceivably be convinced that American Idol endorsed some stripper contest would be idiots. You know, the kind of people who would believe that a beautiful woman who they're paying to get nude might actually be interested in them. Oh, wait...they might have a point...

Criminally stupid

We all know that teenagers are stupid, but sometimes, there's an extra-strength level of stupidity that lands them in the slammer:

Scarsdale police Lt. Bryant Clark said the 50-year-old New Rochelle man was beaten by a group of young men at about 9:20 p.m. Tuesday while he was waiting for a bus home from the Scarsdale Public Library, the White Plains (N.Y.) News-Journal reported Tuesday.

Clark said the attackers took the man's briefcase and fled the scene in a car.

However, he said investigators got a break in the case when the victim received a phone call Wednesday from a group of young men who claimed to be his attackers.

"They actually called him to taunt him about the beating,'' Clark said. "That's what ultimately led to their arrests."

The five young men, who are all between 17 and 19 years old, and who are apparently unfamiliar with the concept of caller ID, were tracked to the home they made the call from, where the cops also found the man's stolen briefcase. Dumbasses.

Father of the year

People say that you can't put a price on the life of one of their children, but this guy clearly doesn't believe that:

Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.

Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised. The man was arrested Sunday on suspicion of human trafficking.

You mean to tell me that a guy who entered into a transaction to buy a fourteen-year-old girl wasn't good for his end of the bargain? You just can't trust people any more.

You are getting sleepy...

The middle of a freeway probably doesn't seem like a good place to take a nap, unless, that is, you're this Australian dumbass:

Investigators said Lance Partridge, 47, was found sleeping next to his motorized bicycle in the middle of a northbound lane of the F3 freeway in the Sydney suburb of Mount Kuring-Gai, the Sydney Daily Telegraph reported Friday.

Hornsby Local Court heard Partridge had been drinking wine before he climbed onto his bike Thursday intending to ride 155 miles from Sydney to his sister's home in Karuah on the North Coast. Police said he was "highly intoxicated" when they woke him up.

He was blotto? I would have never guessed. I figured maybe he just got drowsy.

Methamphidiocy

If you're running a meth lab, you're probably a dumbass to begin with. But this guy is some kind of super-dumbass:

A funeral home might be a place for eternal rest, but police say an Arkansas man saw an opportunity to build a methamphetamine lab undisturbed by the living. There was just one problem — the funeral home was across the street from the sheriff's office.

Officers said Robert Lee Lewis, 43, left the light on in the basement of the Higginbotham Funeral Home in Walnut Ridge on Dec. 3. Officers noticed the light on after hours and walked into the funeral home through an open door.

Inside, police said they found all the components necessary to build a meth lab. Officers arrested Lewis, a former employee at the funeral home, when he returned.

Seriously, if they had a Nobel Prize for drug-related dumbassery, he'd be a shoo-in. How hard is it to turn off a light and lock a door?

Oh, and setting up your meth lab across the street from the cops is none too bright, either.

Don't mess with Gu Gu

Panda bears may look cute and cuddly, but it's important to remember that they're actually wild animals:

Beijing zookeepers said a tourist who jumped into a panda bear enclosure to retrieve a dropped toy has become the third zoo visitor attacked by the panda.

The Chinese-language Beijing News said tourist Zhang Jiao went into the enclosure Wednesday to chase a toy dropped his 5-year-old son and was attacked by Gu Gu, a 240-pound panda, Britain's The Sun newspaper reported Thursday.

Officials said Gu Gu clamped his jaws down on the man's legs, forcing zookeepers to use tools to pry the panda's mouth open.

The other two people were a drunk who jumped into his pen and a teenager who got into his exercise area. I think there's an obvious lesson to be learned from all this—there's some kind of terrible curse on the zoo.

Huh

I didn't feel this earthquake at all. Not that I'm complaining or anything.

That's not helping

One Luke Benson, 22, of Fairbanks, Alaska, saw that a friend was in trouble and decided to, um...help:

The bouncer told police that he was trying to remove Samuel Durkik, 22, of Fairbanks, from the bar for causing a disruption around 2:45 a.m. when the alleged incident occurred.

Durkik allegedly struck the bouncer in the face twice in the course of the confrontation. As the bouncer tried to calm Durkik down, he noticed that Benson was behind him urinating on his leg, according to a criminal complaint filed in court. Durkik also has been charged with fourth-degree assault.

Benson was apparently angry that his friend was being thrown out of the bar.

The bouncer was “extremely upset” that someone had urinated on him, and other bouncers had to prevent him from “going after” Benson. Benson at first gave police a false name according to the complaint. Police noted that both men appeared intoxicated.

No, really? Intoxicated? I would have figured that a guy who thought peeing on a bouncer's leg was a good idea was a teetotaler or something. Probably a Youth Minister at a local church, too.

The case of the plundering perv

One town in Australia is apparently experiencing something of an unusual one-man crime spree:

An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls named "Jungle Jane" and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.

"It's totally bizarre. It's a real concern that someone like that is out on the street," said one of the owners of the adult sex shops in Cairns in northern Queensland state.

Yeah, I guess I'd be concerned if someone like that was running amok (if that's what you'd call it) in my town. But only if I owned a sex shop. Otherwise, not so much.

Since I got nuthin' else, here's 10 random songs

It's been a long time since I've done one of these, and I don't feel like looking for any content, so, um, enjoy this list of the last ten songs my Windows Media Player decided to play for me...

1. Blur - "Coffee + T.V."
2. David Bowie - "It's Hard To Be A Saint In The City"
3. Deltron 3030 - "Memory Loss"
4. OMD - "So In Love"
5. LL Cool J - "Around The Way Girl"
6. The Smiths - "I Want the One I Can't Have"
7. The Beach Boys - "Don't Worry Baby"
8. Happy Mondays - "Wrote For Luck"
9. Gregory Isaacs - "Police and Thieves"
10. Spandau Ballet - "True"

Crime and MySpace don't mix

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Committing a crime is usually a bad idea, but posting evidence of those crimes on the internets is always a really, really bad idea:

A scorned 21-year-old told her ex-boyfriend that he couldn't prove she was the one who vandalized his apartment on three occasions — but then, police said, she posted a picture of the damage on MySpace. The woman was charged with two felonies for the vandalism.

Normally, I would write some kind of joke here, but I think the story is funny enough on its own. I'll just go ahead and call her a dumbass.

Your tax cents at work

The only sure things in life are death and taxes and the government making the latter as confusing as possible:

James Howarth has a question about small change for the IRS.

The Detroit defense attorney received a letter in November saying the government was due 5 cents. The Detroit Free Press reported Saturday that that Howarth was notified to pay "to avoid additional penalty and/or interest."

Howarth said a second letter told him he's due 4 cents, but he would have to request the refund since it's under $1.

He says he's not sure whether or not that means he now owes the IRS a penny or if there's been a nine cent turnaround on his taxes, but either way, someone is eventually getting a pathetically small check.

Getting topped off

I don't get what all the fuss is about. I mean, some guy wants to open a coffee shop in a small town in Maine, and some of the neighbors are making a big deal of it:

Neighbors who live near the Grand View Motel, which could soon offer a grand view of another sort, offered mixed opinions Sunday on a proposal to turn the old motel into a coffee shop with topless waitresses.

Oh, right, the topless waitresses.

Members of the Vassalboro Planning Board on Tuesday will consider Donald Crabtree of Ellsworth's request for a business permit. Crabtree, who was working inside the building on Sunday, said he did not want to talk about his proposal prior to the meeting.

[...]

Becky Young, who lives on Mudget Hill Road, which runs behind the motel, said neighbors got a lot of unwelcome traffic when there was a bar open at that location. She's not in favor of a topless coffee shop.

"This is a rural town," she said as she walked her two dogs. "It's country. People move here to be quiet. I think it would bring a bad crowd."

Yet others said they hope some sort of stable business is able to make a go of it, regardless of whether waitresses wear tops or not.

"I'm hoping whatever takes place, hangs in there," said Mike Provencher, who's lived on the road for 20 years. "There were entertainment gals there before and it didn't seem like it was problematic."

[...]

Randy McKiel said he too isn't bothered by his potential new neighbor.

"I don't mind what they do," he said. "They're just trying to make a living."

Yeah. Mike and Randy don't sound like they mind the idea. They don't mind having topless waitresses in the area at all...

I made the switch

I took the coupon I got from Uncle Sucker down to Best Buy and bought one of those digital teevee converter boxes yesterday. It took about two minutes to set up, and I have to say, the picture quality is pretty damn good. Plus, I get around sixty channels now. Of course, a lot of them are in languages I don't understand, but it's nice to have so many choices.

Drunk driving and dialing

I'm pretty sure this is some kind of first:

A 17-year-old girl in Bismarck called 911 on New Year's Eve "to report herself driving under the influence," police Lt. Randy Ziegler said. "I've never heard of such a thing happening, and neither has anyone here."

The girl told authorities her location shortly before midnight Wednesday and officers found her in a parked car near downtown, Ziegler said. She failed a sobriety test and was arrested for failing to have control of her vehicle while intoxicated.

Well, she sure made the cops' job easy, huh? Seriously, though, what she did was very dangerous. You're much more likely to have an accident if you talk on the phone while driving.