Like a Viking

Ace has been relentless today, just beating the hell out of one of his favorite targets, Andrew Sullivan, who wrote this incredibly stupid post, basically "questioning the timing" on the UK terror bust. Sullivan writes:

I wonder if Lieberman's defeat, the resilience of Hezbollah in Lebanon, and the emergence of a Hezbollah-style government in Iraq had any bearing on the decision by Bush and Blair to pre-empt the British police and order this alleged plot disabled. I wish I didn't find these questions popping into my head. But the alternative is to trust the Bush administration.

Been there. Done that. Learned my lesson.

Well, that does it. St. Andrew of the Sacred Heart-ache has finally gone round the bend with his BDS. Of course, when people like Ace began to point out the idiocy on display here (that Tony Blair and British law enforcement would consider Joe Lieberman's defeat in a primary election as a factor in making the arrests and announcing them is patently ridiculous) Sullivan backpedaled here, falling back on the line that he was merely "asking questions," which is passive-aggressive bullshit.

Ace printed a comment of mine here, and I think what I wrote then still applies, and I'm too lazy to write something new, so I'll just copy it here:

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...While it's fun to pile on "Excitable Andy," this really is a tragedy. The guy is a good writer, and he's one of the people who got me interested in reading blogs after 9/11. And I didn't even really mind when he started criticizing the way the WOT was being fought.

But then, somewhere along the line, he stopped criticizing and just started bitching about the Bush administration. And that pretty much coincided with the time where he started fixating on gay marriage as the be-all and end-all of issues. And on that specific issue, he could've made some more persuasive points (I'm open to some sort of civil unions that would give gays hospital, inheritance, etc. rights), but he seemed to view nearly everything through the prism of his own emotions.

Couple all of that with his bullshit bandwidth pledge drives and his dissembling about who he was going to endorse on his blog while he had already denounced Bush in the gay press, and you've got a lot of former fans like me. And this was way before he had any "heart-ache" about how Catholic the Pope was. I'm just glad that I've always been too poor to contribute to his European vacation fund. And didn't he promise to shut up for a while, too?

Let's be honest, Sullivan, like a lot of other guys, thinks with his dick. And that kind of thinking has turned an otherwise thoughtful commentator into a hack.

Really, I don't think that's ever been more true than right now. As someone else (I forget who) Jeff Goldstein said in the link below, he ought to just start a diary at Daily Kos.

(More here. And a classic here, where Ace gives a list of St. Andrew's greatest hissy fits.)

So long, Dave

Aw, man, one of my favorite bloggers, Dave at Garfield Ridge is calling it quits. I'd like to wish him luck, and express my sincere hope that he'll return to blogging sometime soon.

Tom Cruise: weirder than we thought

I know, I know. You read the title of this post and immediately thought, "how is that even possible?" Well, it turns out he was allegedly stalking Joe DiMaggio.

While people have been spooked by Tom Cruise of late, Joe DiMaggio was one of the first.

The actor, who seems weirdlier and weirdlier to fans as he continues to refuse to show his and Katie Holmes' baby, Suri, scared the Yankee legend by following him, our source reports.

This was in the mid-'90s, after Cruise had already starred in "Top Gun" and "Born on the Fourth of July," but the baseball great, once married to Marilyn Monroe, didn't realize - or didn't care - what a big star Cruise was.

"He'd show up at baseball-signing shows and wait for Joe to come out," says the source. "One time, he waited outside a restaurant for him for three hours. [DiMaggio] called him 'a short little guy.' He didn't like it. He felt like he was stalking him."

Ah, Tom Cruise, the crazy-ass gift that keeps on giving. Makes you wonder what he's going to do next. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that he'll declare himself a direct descendant of Neptune, god of the sea, and start perading around in a toga, toting a trident. Yeah.

One-man crime spree

This guy must really like jail, since he seems to spend a lot of time there.

Kevin Holder's rap sheet is 43 pages long, dating back to 1980, and he just got another entry -- his 226th arrest.

Police say they caught him Sunday morning after a brief chase and found burglar tools in his possession.

"He's very well-known to Lincoln police officers," Police Chief Tom Casady said.

Holder's convictions include criminal mischief, marijuana possession, violation of a protection order, assault, resisting arrest, assault on an officer, possession of cocaine. Many were misdemeanors, but he also has been sentenced to at least three prison terms for felonies, including a four-year stretch starting in 1996.

The article says he could face 60 years in prison if he gets convicted of another felony.

Here's the kicker, though: Holder is actually something of a piker compared to some other habitual criminals in the area.

Holder's list of arrests doesn't come close to setting a record for Lincoln-Lancaster County. He's only No. 40, police spokeswoman Katherine Finnell said Tuesday.

A number of people have more than 500 arrests in Lincoln, a city of 226,000 people. The record is held by Edward Rooks, who died in 2004, with 652 arrests.

There must be something in the water down there in Nebraska. Or maybe it's the corn.

Surprise, surprise

Remember the dumbass who changed his name to Kentuckyfriedcruelty.com? Well, it seems—shockingly enough—that the name change didn't stick.

The animal rights activist formerly known as Kentuckyfriedcruelty.com is now just plain, old Christopher Garnett.

The staffer at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was one of three workers who changed their names to support the organizations goals. Two have now returned to their given names.

"I think maybe its time had come and gone," said Karin Robertson, who had been known as Goveg.com since March 2003.

The switch was intended to draw people to the organizations Web site, Roberston said.

It worked: Web traffic to the site shot up, as did requests for vegetarian starter kits.

Following their college's lead, Garnett and Brandi Valladolid went to the courthouse and, with the stroke of a judge's pen, became Kentuckyfriedcruelty.com and Ringlingbeatsanimals.com.

It seems that he had some trouble getting a passport and a credit card with his ridiculous new publicity stunt of a name, so he decided to switch back to his given name.

"Since Kentuckyfriedcruelty.com doesn't have a social security number, it became a big hindrance," he said. "From what I've been told, it's a real nightmare to go through the whole process."

Way to stick to your guns there, Chris. Gandhi himself could learn a lot from the courage of your conviction. If he wanted to learn how to fold when facing an inconvenience, that is. Oh, and if he was still alive.

Wedding bell blues

So, an old friend of mine from high school got married on Saturday afternoon. It was a really nice ceremony at the local Catholic church. The thing is, there were a couple of problems with the reception.

First of all, it was held in a college auditorium which is a really nice, old building. Old enough, in fact, that it has no air conditioning system. That is what you might call a serious problem on a hot August weekend in Southern California, especially when most of the guests are dressed in formal attire. Not pleasant.

The other serious problem with the reception was that they didn't have a bar. I don't mean that there wasn't an open bar. I mean no bar. There were just three punchbowls with non-alcoholic beverages. When one of my friends was apprised of the situation, he said, "Oh. Excuse me." He and his girlfriend returned about twenty minutes later with a flask-sized bottle of Stoli. We ended up making another run and bringing back three more bottles. I felt like a sixteen-year-old, sneaking booze into a wedding.

So, ladies, to recap: scout out a location for your reception that's going to be appropriate for the weather. And, for the love of God, have some booze on hand. Unless everyone attending are Mormons. They don't tend to drink.

Wow

The Los Angeles Times has a great piece on Reutergate by media critic Tim Rutten here. (Login via BugMeNot = yuggins@yahoo.com, password = yuggins) The column ends thusly:

That brings us to the most troubling of the possible explanations for these fraudulent photos, which is that some of the photojournalists involved are either intimidated by or sympathetic to the Hezbollah terrorists. It's a possibility fraught with harsh implications, but it needs to be examined thoroughly and openly.

Johnson and his colleagues have done the serious news media a service. Failure to follow up on it would be worse than churlish; it would be irresponsible.

He's talking about Charles Johnson of little green footballs, who broke the story. Read the whole thing, and be surprised.

I couldn't just leave something this snarky in Ace's comments

I think it's terrible that Ace is ripping on German Nobel Laureate and anti-American douchebag Gunter Grass for things that happened all the way back during World War II. After all, a friend of the "respected" author died at Auschwitz. Yep, it turns out that his best pal fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck.

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Some people are deeply, deeply stupid. These guys happen to be a couple of those people.

Sometimes when nature calls, there's no time to delay, but a Kentucky man sure picked the wrong spot for a pit stop.

Michael Ray Hunter, 37, found out Wednesday night that the parking lot of the West Virginia State Police headquarters in South Charleston isn't the right spot.

Trooper J.S. Crane just happened to be walking nearby as Hunter was relieving himself.

As Crane approached, he smelled alcohol. That discovery led Crane to the pickup truck where Hunter's buddy, James Alan Richardson, 40, was checking phone messages.

During a search of the truck, Crane and another trooper found a marijuana pipe and pills for which Richardson had no prescription.

I understand that these guys were probably pretty trashed, but when pulling into that parking lot, the presence of all those police cars should have raised a red flag. Usually, you want to drive your drugs away from the cops. Or so I'm told.

Just wondering

Now that Neddy the Freshmaker is the golden boy and Mean Old Joe is the new Emmanuel Goldstein, can all those "progressives" out there finally scrape those dingy old Gore/Lieberman stickers off the backs of their Volvos?

And hey, now that I think about it, we really did you guys a solid with Florida back in 2000. Just think...that guy could've been the Veep! A heartbeat away from Manbearpig!

Randi Rhodes: idiot

Actually, idiot isn't a strong enough word. She repeatedly talks about the idea that Hezbollah has agreed to disarm without ever mentioning the fact that they're, uh, you know...firing rockets into northern Israel.

Seriously, you have to watch this thing to understand just how badly Neal Boortz destroys her.

Via Allah.

Dude, just let it go

So, somebody tosses a cigarette butt on the ground, a daylong fight ensues, three people wind up in the hospital, and four go to jail. I think we're probably dealing with some more serious underlying issues here.

Police said a guest visiting Bobby Joe Ray, 42, tossed a cigarette butt toward the edge of Ray's yard on Aug. 4. The butt landed near a fence belonging to Ray's neighbor, Michael Alan Bradford, 24. Bradford got angry and started shouting about it.

Several residents of the neighborhood said Ray and Bradford argued about the butt all day, Mathews said, and eventually Ray's sister, Shirley Lynn Ray White, 32, who lives across the street, tangled with Bradford's wife, Heather Mills Bradford, 27, and the men soon joined in.

At least three went to the hospital for treatment of injuries, and all four were arrested Tuesday and were released on bond the same day.

Shirley Lynn Ray White is charged with third-degree assault. Bobby Joe Ray and Heather Mills Bradford are charged with harassment. Michael Alan Bradford is charged with harassment and third-degree assault.

Now, call me crazy, but somehow I doubt that these people were on friendly terms to begin with. Add in what I imagine to be some rather heavy daytime drinking and a pinch (okay, a few pinches) of crystal meth and, voila! You get this.

Prank is unfunny

I always thought that pranks were supposed to be, uh, funny. But apparently, that's not always the case.

MARION, Ind. -- Ten to 15 people wearing masks left six 40-gallon trash bags full of taco sauce packets at a Taco Bell restaurant in what police described as a prank.

A note attached to the bags said the group had been accumulating them for the past three years, storing them in the trunk of a car, authorities said.

Police have suspended their investigation into the Tuesday night prank in the city about 50 miles northeast of Indianapolis without any arrests, said Marion Deputy Police Chief Cliff Sessoms.

"From everything we've got here, there doesn't appear that there has been any crime committed," he said. "It looks more like a prank than it does anything else, but not a very funny one because you've got that number of people coming in there with their faces covered up."

I beg to differ. The masked people aren't what make the prank unfunny. It wasn't funny because it was so incredibly fucking lame.

And actual police resources were used to investigate this? I'm glad Chief Sessoms was on the case, though. It takes a seasoned law enforcement professional to deduce that returning a bunch of hot sauce packets to a fast food restaurant isn't actually, you know, illegal.

British police foil "terrorist plot to blow up planes"

Chalk up another win for the good guys:

A terrorist plot to blow up planes in mid-flight from the UK to the US has been disrupted, Scotland Yard has said.

It is thought the plan was to detonate explosive devices smuggled on aircraft in hand luggage.

Police have arrested about 18 people in the London area after an anti-terrorist operation lasting several months.

Security at all airports in the UK has been tightened and delays are expected. MI5 has raised the UK threat level to critical - the highest possible.

According to MI5's website, critical threat level means "an attack is expected imminently and indicates an extremely high level of threat to the UK".

[...]

Scotland Yard said in a statement that their investigation into the alleged plot was a "major operation" which would be "lengthy and complex".

More on this story, which I'm sure we'll be hearing quite a bit about in the morning, here, here, and here. Jeff, Ace and Allah note that the men arrested seem to be (gasp!) British-born Pakistanis. Shocking, I know. I bet you were expecting the IRA.

Meanwhile, there's no mention of the story here as I write this. I'm sure you're just as surprised as I am.

Any bets on who's going to be the first to Question the Timing™?

Dirty, dirty internets

Man, you can find just about anything on the internets these days. Even, it turns out, hoes. And I don't mean the gardening tools.

Police have arrested four women in an investigation into prostitution ads that were posted on a popular Internet classifieds site.

The women were arrested over the last three weeks at hotels near Baltimore-Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport, police said. They were charged with illegally soliciting sex.

Anne Arundel County authorities began the investigation after reading ads posted on Craigslist.org that offered sex services for $140 to $300.

Police said Tuesday the women allegedly arranged several weeks' worth of appointments in advance, then flew into a city to meet with clients. They then traveled to their next destination.

Experts said Craigslist has become a favorite way for prostitutes to find clients and set up operations in cities where they don't have a network. Classified ads in a variety of categories are free on Craigslist.

Next thing you know, you'll be able to buy sex on Amazon. You'll definitely want to shell out for the next-day shipping on that.

Swiss miss

This could have ended badly.

An 85-year-old woman was found in the vault of a Swiss bank when she set off motion detectors hours after the bank was already closed, according to a statement released Wednesday.

Employees at the Zuercher Kantonalbank apparently forgot about the woman.

The director of the bank's safe allowed the woman into the vault on Monday before closing it punctually at 4:30 p.m. local time -- with the woman still deep in study of her documents, ZKB said.

She triggered some motion detectors after a while, and was let out four hours after being locked in.

But the end of the article is what's interesting to me, because it seems to indicate a big difference between Swiss and American society. Aside from the neutrality and cuckoo clocks, I mean.

The bank gave the woman a bouquet of flowers for suffering from the ordeal and said it would decide on further nonfinancial compensation.

Flowers and "nonfinancial compensation"? Hell, this woman would have lawyers beating down her door, trying to get her to sue the bank if this had happened here.

Lesson learned

Now, I don't get linked by many other blogs, though I appreciate the ones who do, but sometimes I get a lot of traffic from search engines. Case in point. The lesson here: write posts with words like "nude" in the title. You'll rake in hits from the sex perverts.

Thanks for stopping by, sex perverts! I won't judge you.

Ob *hic* jesshun

Uh, counselor, maybe you should wait until after your important court date to tie one on.

A judge ordered a blood-alcohol test for a defense lawyer who was slurring his words, then declared a mistrial after declaring him too tipsy to argue a kidnapping case.

"I don't think you can tell a straight story because you are intoxicated," Clark County District Judge Michelle Leavitt told lawyer Joseph Caramango as she declared a mistrial for his client, Dale Jakuchunas.

Caramango, 41, acknowledged that he had been drinking the night before his Thursday court appearance, but maintained he was not drunk. Jakuchunas, 32, faces life in prison if convicted.

"I don't believe I've committed any ethical violation," Caramango said Tuesday, disputing the accuracy of the breath-alcohol test. "If it proved anything, it proved I was not intoxicated."

Leavitt announced Caramango had a blood-alcohol level of 0.075 percent, just under Nevada's legal blood-alcohol limit for drivers of 0.08 percent.

Now, to be fair, the guy claims to have been in a car accident on the way to court which he says gave him the latest of nine (!) concussions he's suffered over the years. I'm not really sure that if he was representing me in a case that could end up sending me to prison for life that those nine concussions would be very reassuring, though.

Anyway, I found a picture of the guy on Google images:

Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?

Nude in New Zealand

If you're in New Zealand on August 25, you might get to see some public nudity. And I don't mean this horrifying, retina burning, definitely NSFW kind of nudity. (Seriously, don't click on that link it you know what's good for you. I'm not kidding.) I mean the good kind with attractive people.

A lunchtime parade of topless porn stars down the main street of New Zealand's biggest city has been given official approval, as no laws will be broken.

The parade later this month will feature up to 30 porn stars riding on the back of motorcycles or in open cars through Auckland's CBD to promote an erotica exposition.

The bare breast drive has been held informally since 2003, but this is the first time permission has been sought, and given, by Auckland City Council.

Organizer Steve Crow said it would promote an Erotica Expo which opens in the city Aug 25.

Several city councilors opposed to the parade were surprised to find it had been given a green light without them being consulted.

Wait a minute...people found out that there would be porn stars riding topless through town and they actually objected to the idea? Up is down. Black is white. Spock has a goatee.

A general observation

Crispiness is an admirable quality in some things. Like chips and onion rings and things like that. In a lawn, not so much.

I'm just saying is all.

Putting a face to Ace

Wow, I can say I knew him before he got all famous.

Actually, I once saw a picture of Ace online here, before it got obscured. I stupidly didn't save a copy of it so that I could blackmail him later, but since he doesn't care about maintaining his secret identity anymore, I guess it doesn't matter.

The last thing you should probably steal

It's amazing what a good job the cops can do when they're properly motivated:

A stolen truck full of doughnuts? Better believe Tri-Cities police were on that in a hurry. Moments after the theft of the Viera's Bakery van was reported early Friday in Kennewick [Washington], police issued an all-points bulletin.

A Benton County sheriff's deputy quickly spotted the truck. After a chase at 30 to 35 mph, Richland police got it to stop and arrested the driver, Steve Swoboda, 19, for investigation of auto theft and felony escape.

Still intact was the entire load of glazed, sugar and cream doughnuts, as well as apple fritters, bear claws.

You know, at this point, it really doesn't seem necessary for me to write a joke about this incident. Police officers, as has been well documented, have a strong affinity for doughnuts. A doughnut-related crime occurs, and the cops are right on top of it. Ha ha. Frankly, I feel cheaper for having pointed it out.

You'll have to keep it in your pants for two years, dear.

Okay, this is just assinine.

LaRae Lundeen Fjellman could lose her state license as a massage therapist for having sexual relations with her husband.

Her husband, Kirk Fjellman, is a former client. He saw her professionally from October 2000 to May 2002, and the two say they started dating in July 2002. But when they consumated the relationship a few months later, they ran afoul of a Minnesota law that bans massage therapists from having sexual relations with former clients for two years.

"There's no harm, no victim,"Kirk Fjellman said."What's this about?"

She could lose her license and be fined for this. I'm sure the law is supposed to keep massage therapists--the less legit kind--from getting it on with customers. But they got married. Legally married, and she's supposed to wait for two friggin' years before they can have sex? Like I said, assinine.

Convenient crime

When you're going to rob a bank, it might be a good idea to pick one across town. Or at least where, say, the employees aren't going to instantly see through your flimsy disguise.

A cross-dressing bandit on skates who robbed a bank across the street from his home was sentenced to prison Friday.

Nino Leo Lanu, 32, was wearing a skirt, wig, makeup and fake breasts as he brandished a replica gun while robbing a National Australia Bank branch in the southern city of Melbourne in February, a prosecutor told the County Court of Victoria state.

Lanu, a regular branch customer, rolled away on inline skates with 24,000 Australian dollars ($18,260) in cash.

I guess if you're going to skate away from your bank robbery it helps if you don't have to go very far. Seriously, though, pick a bank that's a little further away from your house next time. Rent a car if you have to.

The social event of the season

I don't really mean to make this the theme of the day, but hey, looky here: another story about toilets! Well, not just toilets--a party celebrating toilets!

The residents of a Cambodian village will throw a party this weekend to celebrate a sanitation milestone: a toilet in every home.

All 94 families in Sleng village in Kampong Speu province have installed a simple latrine in their homes to deal with solid human waste, making the village"a model of good hygiene"for neighboring communities, the U.N. children's organization said.

Hilda Winarta, a UNICEF water and sanitation officer, said the latrines are simple _ holes in the ground surrounded by walls made from tree leaves or plastic sheets _ but can help prevent outbreaks of dangerous diseases.

It's nice that this is going to cut down on poo-related illnesses, but boy, nothing says "party time" like a hole in the ground that you crap into! And what a party it's going to be:

The village will celebrate its achievement on Saturday with ceremonies and speeches by the village chief, government officials and UNICEF.

A local comedian will also perform, and village actors will perform a short play about how the village residents will no longer have to defecate outdoors.

Keep your eyes peeled for that one to win some Tony Awards next year. Hey, it worked for these people, so why not?

"Then there will be a balloon (releasing) ceremony, a village hosted lunch and singing,"Winarta said.

Now, I'm probably not going to be in the neighborhood this weekend, so I'll probably miss the party. But if I was going to be on hand for the festivities, I think I'd probably pass on the lunch.

Sticky and icky

This is why you always look before you sit down, if you know what I mean.

A woman who became stuck to a toilet seat in a shopping mall restroom was treated at a local hospital after paramedics used fingernail polish remover to free her, officials said.

The 53-year-old Council Bluffs woman suffered burns to her skin in the incident, which happened Wednesday, officials with the Fire Department said.

Investigators said they believe someone placed a cement compound on the toilet seat in the restroom at the Mall of the Bluffs.

Sorry to say this, ladies, but damn, am I ever glad to be male.

No fun

I can't for the life of me imagine why this didn't really work out.

Britain's biggest theme park has called off the country's first "National Muslim Fun Day" because of lack of interest, the park said Wednesday.

Alton Towers in central England was to open on September 17 for Muslims -- with halal food, a strict dress code and prayer areas.

Music, gambling and alcohol were to be banned for the day and theme park rides such as "Ripsaw," "Corkscrew" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" all segregated by sex.

Because, really, nothing says "fun" like a ban on music, booze, and hanging out with members of the opposite sex. And the "strict dress code," well, that's just like the cherry on top--provided that the cherry is halal, that is. Good times, man. Good times.

Ho ho ho

I don't think the wedding bells are going to be ringing for this couple.

A local woman was arrested after police in Mills _ tipped by a suspicious boyfriend _ said she agreed to have sex with a plainclothes officer in exchange for money.

Jennifer Lynne Mills, 44, was arrested Saturday night on a misdemeanor prostitution charge. If convicted, she could be fined and sentenced to up to six months in a jail.

Police said Mills' live-in boyfriend called Saturday to complain about men calling their apartment. He said those calls were in response to a classified advertisement in the Quik Quarter, a local shopper, offering "relaxing massage" and "pretty, pleasant company."

And thus ends a promising career in the exciting field of massage therapy. It's just sad that some guys can't handle a relationship with a successful career-oriented woman.

A lark in the park

Everybody loves a day in the park, but it seems some...er...love it more than others.

Litter from sexual activity is unpleasantly evident in High Bridge and People's parks, reflecting years of lewd conduct in the open air, police and park officials say.

Discarded underwear, lubrication packets and condoms are regularly found in the bushes, and Officer Jennifer DeRuwe says police have received a growing number of complaints.

"It's just kind of one of those knowns in Spokane," DeRuwe said.

"We've been aware of it for a number of years," said Mike Stone, city parks and recreation director.

[...]

A 22-year-old park worker who asked not to be named out of fear for his safety and his $11-an-hour position said that in two months on the job, he has been propositioned, has seen evidence of public sexual activity and now warns unwary visitors attracted by a new disc golf course and a new bicycle trail link.

"I tell them, 'Don't let your kids go in there,'" he said.

Supervisors have advised the worker to wear clothing identifying him as a parks employee, said Tony Madunich, assistant parks and recreation manager.

Well, that ought to work. Except for the parks employee fetishists. They'll just get all hot and bothered.

Anyway, several Spokane officials are quoted in the article as basically saying "Eh, what can you do?" Which is refreshing, since most public officials these days seem hellbent on abridging our constitutional freedom to have dirty, nasty sex with strangers in public places. I swear, Thomas Jefferson must be spinning in his grave.

What are the odds?

When you steal someone's driver's license, it would probably be a good idea to take a look at the picture before trying to use it.

A bar waitress checking to see if a woman was legally old enough to drink was handed her own stolen driver's license, which was reported missing weeks earlier, police said.

"The odds of this waitress recovering her own license defy calculation,"police Capt. Guy Turner said Monday.

Maria Bergan, 23, of Lakewood, was charged Sunday night with identity theft and receiving stolen property. She was arrested at her home in suburban Cleveland and was jailed in Westlake to await a court appearance.

The thing I don't get is that the chick was over 21. If she was underage, well, I guess it would make sense to use someone else's ID to buy booze. It just doesn't make sense. Unless, maybe she had a really bad picture on her own license and looked crosseyed or something.

Give her hell, Jeff

A lot of people who read this blog on a regular basis are also readers of one of my favorite blogs, Jeff Goldstein's protein wisdom, so you guys probably know about this situation. But if you're not one of those readers, this might interest you. Actually, I'm not sure if "interest" is the right word...

You see, earlier this month (around the 4th of July, actually), a troll by the name of Deb Frisch showed up and started acting like a jackass. That's not so bad. After all, birds have to fly, fish gotta swim, and trolls generally annoy the hell out of people.

But then, she started to come unhinged in a serious way. She left a series of comments saying that she wouldn't mind if Jeff and his two-year-old son were murdered because she didn't consider Jeff to be "human." She also left suggestive comments about sexual molestation regarding Jeff's little boy. Over the next couple weeks, there was a shitstorm of controversy. Frisch, who was a psychology instructor (!) at the University of Arizona, resigned from her job and moved back to Oregon after pw fans deluged her department with angry messages about her reprehensible conduct. She made some half-assed apologies, but later claimed on her own blog (which I'm not going to link--you can Google it, if you're so inclined) that she'd been planning on quitting and moving back to Oregon, anyway, so it didn't really look like the act of contrition that she initially made it out to be. The story even hit the big time on Fox News. You can read about it here.

And then, things were relatively quiet for a while. Until last night.

Deb, or someone using an IP address very similar to hers, began posting really vile sexual comments about Jeff's family on this thread of his. She also left a similar comment at ace's blog. He redacted it, but you can find the details about the IP address she posted it from here. If you're not squeamish, Patterico has a screen cap of that comment (seriously, it's VILE--you've been warned) and a rundown of what went on last night.

In the end, Jeff has decided to suspend his blogging activities and pursue legal action against this woman, who needs to be stopped before this escalates into someone getting harmed in the real world.

Anyway, you might want to drop by Jeff's blog and give him a few words of support, or, if possible, a donation to his tip jar or paypal account. This is a bad situation for Jeff and his family, and all of his fans are pulling for him to get it resolved once and for all. After all, a Friday without excuses about why the armadillo ain't dancing just doesn't feel right.

More creeping fascism

So, a guy in Springfield, VT, wants to get his drink on with some of his pals, and quite naturally wants them to chip in for the libations. Doesn't sound unreasonable, does it? Well, the town bluenoses (a bunch of uncool Xtian fundie teetotallers, no doubt) have killed his modest dream.

Town officials have nixed an idea for a jailhouse bar. The Select Board, acting as the town liquor board, rejected an inmate's application to sell liquor from the state prison.

Paul Murphy of Worcester, Mass., is serving time at the Southern State Correctional Facility for aggravated assault, escape and passing bad checks.

He said in an application for a first- and second-class liquor license that he wanted to sell liquor from his home, which he listed as 700 Charlestown Road. That also happens to be the address of the state prison just east of downtown Springfield.

Why do they have to nitpick over every little detail? Fascists.

Radio free porno

If you're in the Fresno area, my condolences. And if you're looking for that religious-issues talk show on the radio dial, you may be in for a bit of a surprise.

KFYE-FM hasn't budged from the Fresno-area dial, but it's about as far as you can get from the Christian music, sermons and Bible stories it was broadcasting until about a week ago.

Now it calls itself "Porn Radio" _ "all sex radio, all the time," with a suggestion that people under 21 not listen.

Now, before all you perverts rush off to pack a bag and move to Fresno, it seems that the station's programming consists mainly of songs with "suggestive" titles and lyrics, although some of the songs are "heated up by adding recorded moans and groans." Meh.

The "bravery" of opinion

This is gonna be a long one, so bear with me.

I saw this post by Rick Moran at Right Wing Nut House yesterday, and plenty of people have commented on it already, but I had a thought this morning, and I thought I'd flesh it out in a post of my own.

I'd encourage you to read the whole thing. It's a fairly long post, and it deals with, as the title says, "Redefining the Already Defined." The main thing I want to focus on, however, is the "chickenhawk" meme.

For those of you who might not be familiar with this already, over the past few years (especially since the war in Iraq began) certain lefties have employed this shabby "argument" against supporters of the war. In its most common form the argument has been that if one hasn't ever served in the military but still supports the war, one is a chickenhawk, whose pro-war views thus aren't valid. Another variant that some of these people will use, often while trolling on pro-war blogs, goes: "If you think this war is such a good idea, why don't you join up and fight?" The final, and most ridiculous version is similar to the second, in which the lefty urges a war supporter to "sign up their kids" for our all-volunteer military, which is made up of willing adults. You get the idea.

These arguments are dishonest for a number of reasons, one of the most important being that our nation has always had a tradition of civilian oversight of the military. If you were to suggest a system in which the opposite were true to the people making "chickenhawk" charges, they would recoil in horror, of course, but that just demonstrates the hollowness of their argument. As many people have pointed out, the real purpose of flinging "chickenhawk" insults at someone is to stifle debate.

Anyway, the thing that bothered me most about within Moran's post is where he points out an attempt by a certain blogger (and bestselling author!) who Ace likes to call "Gleen Greenwad" to redefine what a chickenhawk is. Moran links Greenwad, so you'll forgive me if I just excerpt what he said instead of throwing him any (miniscule) traffic:

Something more than mere support for a war without fighting in it is required to earn the “chicken hawk” label. Chicken-hawkism is the belief that advocating a war from afar is a sign of personal courage and strength, and that opposing a war from afar is a sign of personal cowardice and weakness. A “chicken hawk” is someone who not merely advocates a war, but believes that their advocacy is proof of the courage which those who will actually fight the war in combat require.

Now, Moran points out that Greenwad has basically conjured up "a brand spanking new addition to the word’s meaning," and that's dishonest enough. But it's not what really bothers me.

If you really think about it, which righty bloggers out there are slapping themselves on the back about the "courage" of their positions? Where are the war supporters who tout their convictions as a sign of their personal bravery, even if they haven't served in the armed forces? I think they're actually few and far between.

No, I think you're much more likely to see people on the left talking and writing about the bravery of their speech, right? These are the people who talk about speaking "truth to power", a tired cliche if there ever was one, without a hint of irony.

These are the people who count Tim Robbins as a hero, as he recounts the congratulations he's recieved from various people for his anti-war views and then complains about a "chill wind" in this country...in front of the National Press Club. Again, no trace of irony.

And how about the Dixie Chicks? They took an embarrassing remark made overseas and parlayed it into a whole new career image, of the brave dissenters whose free speech rights had been trampled by knuckle-dragging Red State troglodytes.

I could go on and on, but my main point is that I think Mr. Greenwad (Senators read his blog!) might be projecting just a little bit when he tries to redefine his political opponents to suit his own notions about their opinions.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to pat myself on the back for my support of the Iraq war. Hopefully, this time my arm won't break.

Via protein wisdom.

Pervert!

You know, maybe I just have a dirty mind, but parts of this story sound kind of filthy:

If Morio Sase has his way, hungry teenagers around the world will soon be snacking on something more exotic than McDonald's hamburgers...

"When I was a small boy, it...made me feel good and warm inside," Sase said at a recent interview at the Tokyo headquarters of HotLand Corp., which runs Gindaco.

Of course, I've "Dowdified" things a bit, just to make it seem more salacious. But hey, smut sells, right? (Oh, crap...I give this stuff away for free.)

Follow the link if you want to see what Mr. Sase hopes teens around the world will soon be putting in their mouths.

Here she comes, Miss Sharia...

Oh, for God's Allah's sake...

A militant Islamic group has filed a police report against Indonesia's Miss Universe candidate accusing her of indecency, a lawyer for the organization said on Tuesday.

Nadine Chandrawinata's participation in the contest and display of her body in a swimsuit there "is actually insulting for Indonesian dignity and women", Islamic Defenders Front (FPI) attorney Sugito told Reuters.

[...]

Sugito said FPI had also filed complaints against four people involved in sponsoring and organizing Chandrawinata's participation.

Now, she didn't win, so I guess her chances would've been better had she worn a burka throughout the whole competition, right? Oh, silly me! She shouldn't have been there at all. She shouldn't even venture out of the house without a male relative to chaperone her around. And those sponsors, letting the filthy infidels look at her! What were they thinking? I smell a Zionist plot!

Oh, and I looooove this next bit:

The offences involved carry potential sentences ranging from two to six years in jail, Sugito said, adding that the posing requirements of the competition offended the standards not just of Islam but other religions.

Yeah, right. Like this "militant Islamic group" gives two runny shits about the "standards" (or anything else) of other religions. I thought the whole point of militant Islam was to, you know, disregard other religions. At least.

Comments

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

(That's the post HaloScan generates when you automatically install their comment and trackback system, which I did earlier this evening. I just thought their comment interface was a little less cumbersome than Blogger's, and hopefully more of you will weigh in with comments now. Enjoy.)

Thanks for sharing

Hey, everybody, did you know that there's an annual Swinger's Convention going on in Vegas? This assignment has to be a feature reporter's dream come true, since the participants obviously aren't very reticent about...sharing. Ahem.

Vera Rhodes has come a long way from her conservative upbringing in Pennsylvania's Amish community.

There she was a virgin until she married at age 30. Now, she is an enthusiastic 54-year-old member of the millions-strong "swinging" community who speaks openly of her encounters with multiple sexual partners.

"Last night it was really special," said Rhodes, who is divorced and makes a living giving massages in the Midwestern state of Iowa. "There was a couple from Mexico, a couple from Virginia and a couple from Ireland, from Australia."

How are you going to keep Vera down in the Amish country when she could be out there swinging with...the Irish? I hope she enjoys freckles in interesting places.

Oh, and let's hope the following people have relatives and friends who don't read the papers:

For all their enthusiasm, few of the swingers tell family and friends about their hobby.

"Socially, we're pariahs," said Drew Alexander, 40, who attended with this wife Tina, 38. "We're behaving in a way that's completely against the ingrained Catholic values."

Actually, the Alexanders' friends and family may already know. Note his use of the present tense.

Anyway, I'm not entirely surprised that this sort of 1970's type activity is still going on (hey, some people still dig fondue) in the age of AIDS, but then again, the article does note that most of the participants are middle aged, so maybe they're reliving their glory days.

Ace-o-lanche

Good God. Ace linked to three of my recent posts last night, and since then I've had more than 600 hits. If you want to see something hilarious, take a look at my Site Meter stats for this week.

I gotta say, I love you, Ace. But not in a gay way. Like a Viking.

Words fail me

Every once in a while, I run across a story that's just too weird to make fun of. This seems to be one of those instances. I give you (and I'm not kidding—this is the actual headline!) "Dog-cooking, tree-taking school-burner may lose job."

A Chinese headmaster, who tried to buy off colleagues by cooking dog meat for them after secretly selling off trees around the school, ended up setting fire to classrooms when the meal burst into flames, a Chinese newspaper said Friday.

Ten classrooms containing televisions, computers, printers and textbooks burned down, leaving nearly 100 children unable to go to school, the Beijing Youth Daily said.

The headmaster, in the northeastern province of Heilongjiang, sold off a 1,000-tree arboretum surrounding the school on the sly, the newspaper said.

"In order to get the teachers not to tell anyone what he had done, on the afternoon of May 16, headmaster Meng got friends to obtain two dogs, which they proceeded to kill on the school grounds," the report said.

"He then told the teachers they would have dog meat to eat that afternoon," it added.

But the plan went awry when the dog being cooked burst into flames and set fire to the school's main office and then the classrooms.

What the fuck? The guy sold off a 1,000-tree arboretum "on the sly"? Dogs being killed and bursting into flames? And is dog meat really such a special treat that it can keep your colleagues from ratting you out because of your illicit sale of said entire arboretum?

There are certain things about America that are kinda fucked-up, but it's an incident like this that reminds me how absolutely batshit crazy the rest of the world actually is.

What's missing?

This Los Angeles Times column by someone named Rosa Brooks is so utterly ridiculous that I almost hesitate to link to it. You can tell how intellectually bankrupt it's going to be simply by taking note of what's missing from the opening of the piece.

THINGS FELL APART so quickly.

At the beginning of this millennium, the Cold War was over, the prosperous United States was the sole remaining superpower and global opinion was largely sympathetic to U.S. aims. In the wake of brutal ethnic wars in Central Europe and Africa, the international community had forged a new determination to prevent conflict and atrocities. The volatile Middle East was quiet, and the world seemed headed toward stability rather than chaos.

Only six years later, things couldn't be more different. The Bush administration's tunnel-vision approach to foreign policy has pushed the U.S. and the world into a devastating tailspin of conflict without end.

Hmmmmmmmmm...it seems like something is missing from that equation. Something big. Something that I seem to distantly recall from the early autumn of, say, 2001.

Oh, don't get Ms. Brooks wrong. She does mention 9/11, but only to mention that afterward, "the world was on our side, and we had a unique opportunity to turn tragedy into triumph, to strengthen the alliances and global institutions that have long sustained American preeminence," and that "We wasted that opportunity." But of course. I have to deduct points from Ms. Brooks, though, for her failure to use the word "squandered."

I'd fisk the rest of it, but the bulk of the column is such a series of shopworn lies, cliches, and talking points that I'm beginning to suspect that she cribbed most of it from the placards being waved at an International ANSWER rally. It's really that bad.

Thanks, Genghis

Aside from all of the death and destruction and the pyramids of human skulls, it turns out that Genghis Khan was actually a pretty swell guy. Well, at least if you believe this Chinese guy, anyway.

Genghis Khan -- notorious as the ruthless, bloodthirsty creator of an empire that spanned Asia and Europe -- also laid the foundations for the Renaissance, China's Xinhua news agency said Thursday.

"Genghis Khan introduced papermaking and printing technologies to Europe and pioneered cultural exchanges between Asia and Europe," it quoted Zhu Yaoting, a specialist on Mongolian history at Beijing Union University, as saying.

"He brought cultural progress that helped liberate the Europeans from the bondage of theology -- in this sense, his expeditions served as a catalyst for the Renaissance," he said.

Genghis Khan's expeditions to Europe also reopened the Silk Road and laid the path for Marco Polo's historic trip to China.

You might want to take that with a grain of salt, though.

China has also in the past made numerous other unusual historical claims, including the contention the Chinese invented football and golf.

Uh, yeeeeeah. I guess those games just kind of, um, went out of style in China, huh?

Flipping out

I don't think this kid is going to be getting his driver's license anytime soon.

A 16-year-old boy apparently had a seizure during his driving test, causing him to hit five vehicles, flip his Jeep and wreck the front of a store.

The teen and other drivers were treated at a hospital after Monday's crash. The driver's license examiner, Gregory Desmet, 59, of Macomb County's Shelby Township [Michigan], was hospitalized overnight with a broken arm.

The teen, whose name was not released, drove the 2004 black Jeep Cherokee above speed limits, hit four cars and rolled over before going airborne and crashing into another car, which was pushed through the window of a rug store.

Well, at least nobody died. And it doesn't sound like there were any explosions, which would've looked cool, but might have hurt people.

By the way, check out the headline on the article:

Mich. teen flips Jeep during drievr test

It's been up like that since early this evening. Don't newspapers hire proofreaders anymore?

What the hell is Hollywood thinking?

Anybody else seen the commercials or trailers for the movie Barnyard? It looks like at least two of the ostensibly male bovine characters have udders. Now, I'm no farmboy, but even I know that bulls don't have udders.

Oh, and this is really friggin' creepy. Not to mention incredibly stupid-looking.

Junk in the dunk

The lesson here? Always wear underpants when participating in a sporting event.

A young New Jersey man is sticking to his legal guns in a lawsuit against his high school yearbook that shows his genitals in a basketball photo.

Although Tyler Bennett, 22, has so far been turned away in his bid for damages by a New Jersey trial court and appeal court, the new graduate of Montclair State University has filed a petition in New Jersey Supreme Court claiming he suffered psychological harm due to the inclusion of the photograph in the 2001 Colts Neck, N.J., high school yearbook.

In it, he is shown making an elongated jump to score a basket. Bennett claims it also clearly shows his genitals in the absence of underwear, which he claims has left him scarred.

"I was shocked, embarrassed and upset," Bennett told the New York Post. "I remember a student taunting me and asking, 'How's it hanging?'"

Right. Because it's sooooooo unusual for one high school student to say that to another. And I can see being embarrassed by people getting a look at my nethers, I think "scarred" is a bit of a stretch.

But seriously, wear some underpants. I mean it. Unless you're a dirty, dirty girl. In that case, it's okay.

Birds hate me

Actually, they hate my car. They've crapped on it twice in the last three days. I didn't mind so much the first time, since it was already filthy, but then I got it washed. Stupid birds.

Sit carefully

I don't know how long it takes to fly from Sydney to Bangkok, but this doesn't sound like the most comfortable way to fly.

A man caught with six eggs from endangered species in his underwear as he was preparing to fly to Bangkok was fined $20,000 Monday by a judge who rejected his claim that he only wanted to surprise his girlfriend.

Wayne Frederick Floyd pleaded guilty in February to exporting regulated native specimens without a permit or exemption, an offense that carries a maximum 10-year prison sentence.

Although Judge Martin Sides called it a commercial venture, he said he didn't mandate jail time because the eggs had come from a collection of birds at Floyd's home and hadn't been taken from the wild.

Floyd was about to board a flight from Sydney to Bangkok, Thailand, last November when a customs officer frisked him and noticed a suspicious bulge around his groin, the New South Wales District Court was told. A strip search revealed six eggs hidden inside a stocking in his underwear.

The sad thing is, I bet his girlfriend would have been surprised, but the authorities spoiled all that. I know I'd be surprised if someone I knew reached into their underpants and pulled out a stocking full of rare eggs. Heck, they wouldn't even have to be rare.

Somebody for everyone

In what amounts to good news for me, it looks like even nerds can find someone to marry.

Ross Savedra fought aliens to rescue his girlfriend, then popped the question in an out-of-this-world proposal. Savedra, 32, staged his elaborate proposal Sunday afternoon for Ariana Ash, 23, with the help for family members and Roswell's UFO Museum.

Savedra and Ash were touring the museum when a silver-suited, masked alien from an exhibit called "alien autopsy" suddenly abducted Ash from in front of a group of tourists. Savedra dashed through the crowd, fought two aliens and rescued her.

Then he dropped to his knees, presented her a ring and asked her to marry him.

You'll be happy to know that she said yes. Of course she did. You never hear about someone planning out an elaborate public scenario to pop the question to his special lady, only to have her say, "You know, maybe this isn't the best time to tell you this, but I've been banging your best friend for the last two months, and I think we're in love."

That would be hilarious.

Fasting looks tasty

This is worth watching for Michelle Malkin's Mother Sheehan impersonation alone. Check it out.

Via some guy who probably wouldn't pee on me if I happened to be on fire.

Something to watch

If you've got cable or satellite teevee and your package includes Cartoon Network, you should check out what I think is the funniest show around, The Venture Bros. Seriously, it kicks something like a dozen kinds of ass.

And if you don't have cable or satellite, you can still watch episodes here, though you may need a broadband connection.

Balls of steel

This German thief may not be very smart, but he has a lot of chutzpah.

A 61-year-old German on trial for theft got himself into more trouble when he stole from the judge during his court hearing, police said Thursday.

Police in the central town of Coburg said that while facing her at the bench, the man pocketed a bunch of keys from the judge, who did not notice until he had left the room.

When confronted by court officials in the toilet, the man, who had a string of convictions for theft, told them he had been shocked to discover the keys in his pocket.

"He told them he realized how suspicious his story would sound and that he had therefore hidden the keys under a toilet brush," said police spokesman Bernhard Schmitt. "He'd been stealing all his life so it was probably just an intuitive act."

Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, and I guess that guy's just gotta steal. But there are certain times when you've just got to restrain yourself. Or at least steal something valuable.

Do they have eBay over there?

If they do, this is going to be big. We're talking Virgin Mary grilled cheese big.

A chicken in a Kazakh village has laid an egg with the word "Allah" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Thursday.

"Our mosque confirmed that it says 'Allah' in Arabic," Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan, told state news agency Kazinform.

Actually, the farmer says they're going to keep it. I don't know if that's a good idea, though. I mean, food that purportedly says "Allah" doesn't always go over very well.

So...

...anything interesting happen today?

Oh.

Civil rights heroes

No, I'm not talking about Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King. I'm actually talking about these brave souls, who are taking a stand against The Man's oppression.

Two inmates have filed a lawsuit against the Indiana Department of Correction to overturn a policy that bars magazines such as Playboy and Hustler.

The lawsuit filed Tuesday in U.S. District Court in Indianapolis seeks class-action status on behalf of more than 20,000 state prisoners and challenges a policy that went into effect July 1 barring adult magazines and other printed material that depict nudity or sexual content.

The policy could prohibit sexually explicit letters and publications such as National Geographic magazine and daily newspapers, according to the complaint, which said the new rule violates the plaintiffs' civil rights.

"The policy is written so broadly that it includes within its prohibitions such things as personal letters between prisoners and loved ones and much of the world's great literature and art," said the complaint, which was prepared by the American Civil Liberties Union of Indiana.

Ah, yes. Because I'm sure these guys are looking to better themselves by reading great works of literature. Oh, and art, too. Mustn't forget the great works of art. And by "literature" and "art," I'm sure they're not just talking about things like Penthouse Letters and Swank. Of course not.

Good luck, you brave scholars and art lovers!

Heh. "Man-pooter."

You know, something tells me Ace really doesn't like Andrew Sullivan, but I just can't put my finger on what it is, exactly.

Puzzling.

"You look gaytarded."

Brian Posehn + making fun of heavy metal videos = awesome.



The song is called "Metal by Numbers," by the way. If you hadn't figured that out.

Oh, yeah, I'm there

Watching the All-Star Game just now, I saw the commercial for Snakes on a Plane for the first time on the teevee.

Badass.

Born under a bad sign

How come nothing like this ever happens to me and my family?

An 18th century Chinese vase given as a retirement gift to a cleaning lady 60 years ago netted a small fortune for her family on Monday when it was snapped up after being proved to be a missing Imperial treasure.

The eight-inch high Qianlong vase, which has stood unrecognised next to the family's television for years, fetched 92,000 pounds [about $170,000] at London auction house Bonham's sale.

I won $50 on a lotto scratcher once. That's about the extent of my good luck.

Please, please, please let it be true

Of course, the All-Star game is the biggest news for baseball fans today, so this isn't getting quite the attention it might on any other day. But I hope it's true.

According to a report in the New York Daily News, several sources within Major League Baseball expect a San Francisco grand jury to indict Giants slugger Barry Bonds, possibly even as early as next week.

The senior sources said they have no inside information, but expect Bonds to be indicted before the grand jury that has been hearing evidence against him expires within the next couple of weeks.

Several sources within MLB said they found plenty of damning information about Bonds in their own investigation, launched secretly a year before commissioner Bud Selig appointed former U.S. Senator George Mitchell in March to head an MLB inquiry into steroid use.

Bonds faces possible indictment for perjury and tax evasion. When he appeared before a grand jury in December 2003, Bonds testified that he did not knowingly take performance-enhancing drugs.

Anybody who knows me in real life knows how much I hate the San Francisco Giants. And inside of that hatred is my hatred of Barry Bonds, which burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. And it's not just because he's a cheater. He's also an asshole, and (allegedly) a racist to boot.

And while I doubt muscle-head will ever spend a single day in prison (plea bargain), perhaps this will be enough to shame him into retirement before he can break Hank Aaron's career home run record, and maybe, just maybe keep him out of Cooperstown. Oh yeah.

Blood on the tracks--again

Note to other members of this family: stay the hell off the friggin' train tracks!

A train killed a man at just the spot where his father met the same fate eight months previously, a Malaysian newspaper said on Saturday.

The 34-year-old man, V. Marathai, was cut in half when a moving train hit him early on Friday in the northern Malaysian town of Ipoh, the Star reported.

His father, N. Veerapan, 64, died at the same spot last November when he crawled under a train he thought was stationary.

Like I said, stay the hell off those train tracks, people. And pay closer attention to whether or not the trains are, you know, moving. That may help, too.

World Cup claims final victim

I've been trying for nearly a month to warn the world about the dangers of World Cup Soccer, which seems to do nothing but claim innocent lives. Well, the tournament is over, but it looks like a final innocent life has been lost.

A 77-year-old Italian man fell off a ladder and died as he tried to attach Italy's flag to a pole ahead of Sunday's World Cup final against France.

The man, Rodolfo Profili, was raising the flag on a patch of land he owned near the central Italian city of Viterbo when he apparently lost his balance and fell eight metres into a precipice, Italian news agency ANSA reported.

The good news is that the Frogs lost, and we're safe from the World Cup for another four years. But it's going to roll around sooner than you think, and then the bloodbath will begin anew. Just you wait and see.

Hindsight is 20/20

Well, that took some time.

The Witch of Pungo is no longer a witch. Gov. Timothy M. Kaine on Monday gave an informal pardon to Grace Sherwood, who 300 years ago became Virginia's only person convicted as a witch tried by water.

"I am pleased to officially restore the good name of Grace Sherwood," Kaine wrote in a letter Virginia Beach Mayor Meyera Oberndorf read aloud before a re-enactment of Sherwood's being dropped into the river.

"With 300 years of hindsight, we all certainly can agree that trial by water is an injustice," Kaine wrote.

Nothing's more fun than a re-enactment of a terrible injustice. Except, maybe, a meaningless pardon.

Strong, smart, homicidal

I don't know if Alec Baldwin is really a tough guy, but he plays one in the movies on the internets. I'll get to that in a minute.

But first, Baldwin writes about how he's proud to be an American (he roots for our athletes in the Olympics--really!), likes to hang out at the Lincoln Memorial, and is concerned about government waste. He's even for lower taxes...sort of.

He's all for a strong military, but wants it to be strictly controlled by civilian authorities. "Some extremists," he says, think it ought to be the other way around, but he doesn't (of course) say who they are.

He waffles a bit on illegal immigration, calling the issue "a pathetic, conservative think-tank attempt to take people's minds off the debacle of Iraq in order to fend off the threat to the GOP Congressional majority in the 06 election." It's a conspiracy, you see.

Oh, and Bush and Cheney stole both of the elections they won. He knows it in his heart, he sez. Compelling evidence, that.

Nearly finished, Baldwin paraphrases Ben Franklin on the need to balance security and civil liberties, but misses a chance to misquote Thomas Jefferson as saying that "dissent is the highest form of patriotism." Disappointing, Alec.

At long last, we come to Baldwin's tough-guy fantasy, which you'll have to read to believe:

I offer a patriotic fantasy for all of my fellow Americans today, on this 4th of July. It's a fantasy, so bear with me. I am in a large apartment complex. I turn a corner, and there are a couple of Muslim men wearing headsets, whispering tersely into the microphone. Suddenly, one man erupts and says, "Where is the car? Where is the car? You fool!" They sprint off down the hall. At that instant, Osama Bin Laden comes out of a door. He is oblivious. I make my move. Bin Laden reacts, but too late. We tumble into his upper floor suite. I have him in my grasp and, conveniently, I spy a box cutter on the table. (Hey...it's a fantasy.) Osama struggles, swearing at me in his native tongue, until I jam the box cutter into his neck. I do it again. Fading, Bin Laden says (this time in English for my benefit) "Good luck with '30 Rock'. I am a big Tina Fey fan."

Um, what is Bin Laden doing in an apartment complex? How did he manage to sneak into the country unnoticed? (I know, I know--through Bush's incompetence, of course.) And is Baldwin really comfortable profiling these "Muslim men"? Not very racially sensitive there, Alec. I understand he acknowledges that this is a fantasy--nay, a "patriotic fantasy"!--but would Osama really be a fan of the non-burqua-clad Ms. Fey? Or is that the direction "30 Rock" is going in? These questions will have to remain unanswered, though, because he's not quite done...

I gather up the body of the world's most notorious terrorist and hurl it over the balcony. Then, in the final stroke of luck, Bin Laden lands on Dick Cheney.

God bless America.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just witnessed Alec Baldwin, internet tough-guy, admitting in public that he fantasizes about killing the Vice President of the United States of America.

What a patriot.

(Via Expose the Left.)

Adventures in legal idiocy

If there's any justice at all in this universe, this guy will get laughed out of court.

A Portland, Ore., man is suing Michael Jordan because, he says, he's often mistaken for the basketball superstar and is tired of it.

Allen Heckard is also suing Nike founder Phil Knight for making Jordan one of the most recognized men in the world, KGW-TV, Portland, reports.

He's asking for a combined $832 million -- $416 million each. [my emphasis]

So, he wants nearly a billion dollars because he's annoyed about getting mistaken for a celebrity. Ohhhhh-kay. I wonder how he came up with that figure.

Oh, and the article goes on to say that the guy wears Air Jordans, which I'm sure adds to the effect.

The first rule of threatening Goldstein's son

Don't talk about threatening Goldstein's son.

It'll be interesting to see how this plays out over the next few days. Very interesting.

A whale of a tale

What are the odds that something like this has never happened before?

About 80 tourists were aboard the trawler Reine, which was headed for areas off the Arctic Lofoten Islands known for their abundance of whales, when the incident happened on Saturday, the boat's skipper Geir Maan said by telephone on Wednesday.

Hmmm...an area with an "abundance of whales." Who else is that going to attract? Why, whalers, of course!

"We were on our way out to the whale watching area when we passed a whaling boat,"Maan, the boat's skipper, told The Associated Press. Usually, whaling and tour boats maintain a distance between them.

"This time, we got close, and right when they were passing, I realized they had a minke whale in firing range,"he said.

The whaling boat fired, and Maan said he later learned through the hunters that it had made a kill in front of the tourists.

"Some were pretty upset,"he said."Many thought it was awful to see."

I wonder if they got their money back.

Take that, yankees!

America is humiliated, humbled before the rest of the world on its very birthday.

Joey Chestnut, a San Jose college student who over the past 12 months rose to fame in the competitive eating world, failed in his bid to defeat five-time champion Takeru Kobayashi of Japan at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest on Tuesday.

I don't know why and I don't know how, but George W. Bush is likely to blame. Yeah. Bush.

Happy 230th birthday, America!

Really, you don't look a day over 221.

Music for the masses

I can't remember where I found a link to this, but I'm pretty certain someone mentioned it recently on a blog. Anyway, it's a pretty cool "interactive" internet radio site that I've been using for the last few days. You give it the name of a song or artist that you like, and it finds other stuff that may also be to your liking. You can rate what it brings up with a thumbs up or down, which supposedly helps the service to fine-tune the music it picks for you. It's free to sign up and commercial-free, too.

Update: Now I remember. It was SeeDubya over at JunkYardBlog.

Believe it or not

The following passage is not the craziest part of this article:

Of course the government can look at your bank account, at any bank account. What's the point of being the government if you can't pry? This administration has said over and over again that it sees nothing wrong with prying. So where's the treason? Where's the disgrace? Do we really believe that the terrorists are reading the New York Times for clues on what to do, or not do, next?

Well, given the way the Times has been behaving lately, they'd be crazy not to read it, so, yeah. Dumbass.

Read the whole thing, which includes the notion that the President is railing against the NYT because his base voters hate Jews. No, really.

(Via Allahpundit over at Hot Air)

Some advice for Democrats

Not that I really hope they'll take it, but it would be nice (as many others have pointed out) to have a healthy opposition party here in the U.S. of A. That said, you guys are never, ever going to win another national election until you do something to get rid of this kind of bad craziness within your ranks. Seriously.

The rarest of mythical beasts

I got my hair cut today. By a guy. A straight guy.

I know. It's like living in Bizarroworld. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Just because you can cook something...

...doesn't mean you should.

Twinkies, they're not just for dessert anymore. The new "Twinkies Cookbook" has recipes for everything from a Twinkie Burrito to Twinkie Lasagna.

I think I'll stick to good-old lasagna-flavored lasagna, thank you very much.

The new Puritans

Some people just can't help being fun-hating killjoys. It seems we've got a few right here in Los Angeles, which doesn't exactly have a reputation for prudery. Are they religious fundies? Nope, they're actually on the other side of the political sprctrum.

Several city officials on Tuesday sharply criticized a planned bikini contest to raise money for spaying pets, saying the "Hooters for Neuters" event was degrading to women.

Hosted by the Hooters restaurant chain, the July 13 fundraiser will donate money to the spay and neuter programs at Los Angeles Animal Services.

"Are we going backward here?" said City Controller Laura Chick. "We are a city with all kinds of progressive programs that empower women and end discrimination in the workplace, and now we're being connected with a Hooters bikini contest. It isn't right."

Councilwoman Jan Perry said the department's attempt to be creative in telling pet owners to sterilize their animals "crosses the line."

"I was surprised and amazed with the photograph on the flier, and I don't think it projects a good image for the city of Los Angeles," Perry said.

Sigh. I'm guessing that none of the women who will be in the bikini contest are being forced to participate. Oh, and a bikini contest "crosses the line," but the kind of beefcake on display at the L.A. Gay Pride Parade? I doubt Perry would utter a peep about that. [That link is somewhat NSFW, by the way.]

And this is going to raise money for animal shelters. They should be glad that people want to get involved, even if it's Hooters.

Thankfully, the article says the fundraiser is going forward as planned.

Out of the frying pan...

See, when you do something like this to distract people from your problems, you just make things worse.

A Japanese boy burned down his home, killing his stepmother and two younger siblings, for fear his parents would find out he had lied about his score on an English test.

Yep. I think he's going to be in slightly more trouble for that.

Miles to go before I roll out of my iron bed

Well, I guess you could call this a good start. But that's it.

Health officials said Manuel Uribe weighed 1,235 pounds when he made a desperate plea for help on national television in January.

Unable to leave his bed for five years, the 41-year-old mechanic in the northern industrial city of Monterrey longed to move again.

His plea was answered by doctors and nutritionists who prescribed a high-protein diet, helping him lose about 200 pounds since then.

I mean, I don't really want to belittle the guy's achievement, but he's still got quite a way to go. Because, in the scheme of things, when you weigh more than 1,200 pounds, losing a couple hundred is sort of a drop in the bucket.

No Nudes

So, this Taiwanese environmental group is planning to stage a nude protest to try and stop the government from building a nuclear plant. Nude protest, huh? Sounds interesting, but there's a wrinkle.

The protest, titled "Rather Nude than Nuke," is set to take place Monday at Funlung beach in northern Keelung county where the plant is under construction.

Ho [Tsung-hsun, secretary general of the Taiwan Enviromental Protection Union] said 25 people, including 22 men and three women, had signed up for the event to form the English words "No Nuke" with their bodies. [my emphasis]

Why is it that there are always more dudes than chicks who want to get nekkid in public? And I bet the women aren't even going to be attractive. It's been my experience that the people who attend nude protests are usually the ones you'd least like to see in the buff.

Those last two links are Not Safe For Work. Come to think of it, they're Not Safe For Anywhere.

Faulty hydraulics

Damn. Just, daaaaaamn.

A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

Charles "Chick" Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

But Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment. He has become a recluse and is uncomfortable being around his grandchildren, his lawyer said.

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if his grandchildren, among others, are uncomfortable being around him, too.

"I don't know any man who for any amount of money would want to trade and take my client's life," said Jules D'Allessandro, Lennon's attorney. "He's not a whole person."

He's more machine than man. That, and it can't be easy for him to pee.

Old, deadly news

If, like me, you've lived in Southern California for any substantial length of time, this is going to sound awfully familar.

New earthquake research confirms the southern end of the San Andreas fault near Los Angeles is overdue for a Big One.

The lower section of the fault has not produced a major earthquake in more than three centuries. The new study, which analyzed 20 years of data and is considered one of the most detailed analyses yet, found that stress has been building up since then, and that the fault could rupture at any moment.

"The southern section of the fault is fully loaded for the next big event," said geophysicist Yuri Fialko of the Scripps Institution of Oceanography in La Jolla.

Predicting exactly when that might happen, however, is beyond scientists' ability.

Really? Scientists can't predict earthquakes? Who knew?

Anyway, yawn. Seriously, we've only been hearing this exact same story since I was in grade school. In other words, for more than twenty years now.

I'm not saying that I want there to be a massive earthquake, but seriously, we've been waiting for "the big one" since I can remember, and every time we have a substantial quake, the seismologists hurry onto the teevee and tell us, "Nope, that one wasn't it." After a while, you just wish God would hurry up and kill us all already.

A violent, dangerous quagmire

When stuff like this is going on, I think it's time that we admit that invading Iraq and deposing Saddam Hussein was a costly, bloody mistake, and we should cut and run sorry, redeploy our troops as soon as possible.

...[A]uthorities discovered the decapitated bodies of three police officers and another man Wednesday near an empty lot...

The officers had gone missing Tuesday after responding to a report of a kidnapping. Witnesses said they were intercepted by about 100 heavily armed, masked men...

The men's bodies showed signs of being tortured. Their heads were found several miles away...

Except that this happened in Rosarito, Mexico, a mere 15 miles across the border from San Diego. I guess this means we ought to pull our National Guard troops off the border. Or something.

Soccer menace claims more lives

What was I just saying the other day about what a menace to public health soccer is? Did anybody listen? No, and now more people are dead.

Over-excitement during World Cup games has been blamed for the deaths of at least three fans in China and one man broke several bones when he fell from a Hong Kong balcony, the Shanghai Daily reported on Wednesday.

The rash of disasters had prompted doctors to urge fans to monitor their moods during games and keep an eye on their drinking and blood pressure, it said.

China is obsessed with football but is six hours ahead of Germany, meaning many of the games are shown late at night or in the early hours of the morning -- peak drinking times.

A young man named Wang, watching a game on June 10 at a bar in Changsha, the capital of southern Hunan province, drank too much and died at four the following morning, the newspaper said.

Four days later, a woman surnamed Wei, who suffered from high blood pressure, was watching South Korea vs Togo in Hangzhou, near Shanghai.

"She took a shower, went to bed and later died," the newspaper said.

The same day, Li Zhenbao, 27, died in his sleep in Hong Kong after staying up all night to watch three games in a row.

"Doctors suspected he died of a heart attack brought on by over-excitement," the newspaper said.

How many more people need to die before they shut this damned thing down so that people can channel their energy into less lethal sporting events? I mean, you never hear of anyone dying because of the World Series. At least not since the last time the Oakland A's were in it.

Network seeks Manbearpig sightings

Dear ABC News,
Well, I was born and raised here in Southern California, so it's always been pretty hot around here, but I have noticed that I get a little more sleepy after eating a big lunch these days. Yeah. Well, that's about it.

love and kisses,
Sean M.

Via Ace, who relates a global warming horror story of his own.

Make it stop

I've got that stupid, sappy old song "More Than Words" stuck in my head.

It's a good thing nobody around here knits, because I'd be awfully tempted to jab a needle into my brain.

Important government business

It's a good thing the Massachusetts State Senate is on top of the most pressing issues of the day.

It's creamy, it's sweet and it's become a staple of lunch boxes for generations of New England school children.

Now, the beloved Fluffernutter sandwich _ the irresistible combination of Marshmallow Fluff and peanut butter, preferably on white bread with a glass of milk handy _ finds itself at the center of a sticky political debate.

Sen. Jarrett Barrios was outraged that his son Nathaniel, a third-grader, was given a Fluffernutter sandwich at the King Open School in Cambridge. He said he plans to file legislation that would ban schools from offering the local delicacy more than once a week as the main meal of the day.

The Democrat said that his amendment to a bill on junk food in schools may seem "a little silly"_ but that school nutrition is [serious].

I can't imagine why people might think it's "a little silly" for a grown man to be "outraged" that a little boy was served a fluffernutter sandwich.

You'll be comforted to know that the response to Barrios' bill haws been much more measured and serious. Oh, wait...

His proposal seemed anything but silly to Rep. Kathi-Anne Reinstein, a Democrat whose district in Revere is near the company that has produced the marshmallow concoction for more than 80 years, Durkee-Mower Inc.

She responded with a proposal to designate the Fluffernutter the"official sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

"I'm going to fight to the death for Fluff,"Reinstein said.

I can just picture the distinguished Rep. expiring upon a pile of the corpses of Fluff foes, gasping out, "They can take our lives, but they can never take away our...Fluff!"

Soccer kills

I say the time has long passed to ban this dangerous menace to our health.

World Cup soccer causes joy and despair and even ends marriages but now doctors are studying whether the thrill of it all can be literally heart stopping.

Previous research during international soccer tournaments has found an increase in the general incidence of heart attacks, particularly on days when tense matches have had fans on the edge of their seats.

I could have sworn that people were being bored to death by the stupid, pointless beautiful game, but I guess that's just me. Who knew that a 1-1 tie could be so thrilling?

Congratulations...

...to frequent commenter and good buddy Andy's sister Liz and her husband Mike, who had a lovely baby girl on Saturday. Click over to see pictures of the little tyke.

Lando Calrissian Updated

There's a new and improved version of the Lando video I linked to the other day. You can watch it there, or just click on the box below if you're a lazy bastard like me.

(Thanks to Jim Treacher whose funny can also be found here.)

Weird tales of the Sitemeter

Oh, great. I was looking over my referrals and found this one from Google Japan. For some reason, my blog comes up as a hit on a search for a gay porn website. Super.

Anyway, welcome, Japanese gay dudes. Have a look around. Feel free to leave comments.

Eat the whales

I thought I was all badass for having tried alligator meat (which is delicious) on a trip to New Orleans a few years back. Then I read about this.

To woo young customers more fond of burgers than traditional whale cuisine, a Japanese restaurant has come up with a new taste sensation: the fried whaleburger.

The sandwich, which features fried whale meat nestled in a bun with salad greens and lashings of mayonnaise and ketchup-based sauce, is the creation of a small whale restaurant in the town of Wada, about 100 km (62 miles) southeast of Tokyo.

"Young people think whale and bread really go together well, so the burgers are quite popular," said restaurant owner Akiji Ichihara.

The restaurant also sells a whale cutlet sammich and a whale...hot dog. They're all apparently selling well, though the article doesn't say what the whale meat tastes like. I'm guessing chicken.

On an interesting side note, look at which section of the Reuters website this article is posted in--"World Crises." There's no mention anywhere in the article of a crisis of any sort. A sly editorial comment on the practice of eating whale meat, perhaps?

We all scream for...

What do you like on your ice cream? Me, I like some chocolate syrup, maybe a cherry on top, and I usually skip the nuts. I definitely don't put this on my ice cream, though.

Oscar Martinez, 41, of Richmond [Texas], had been pulled over by police officer David Bentley late Sunday after he failed to stop at a pedestrian crossing on the campus of Wharton County Junior College.

Bentley discovered that Martinez had a suspended driver's license and an outstanding traffic warrant.

Richmond police spokesman Sgt. Lowell Neinast said Martinez told Bentley that he wished he could finish the banana split he had in his car.

When Bentley saw the melting banana split on the front floorboard of Martinez's car, he noticed that it was topped with a square-shaped object that turned out to be crack cocaine.

"One of the crack rocks was sitting right on top of the bananas," Neinast told the Fort Bend Herald-Coaster. "Once he found the first crack rock, he figured there were more inside. He emptied it out and there it was."

Of course there was more crack. There's always more crack.

Anyway, it's probably a good thing that he didn't eat the crack-filled banana split since, according to this, "Ingesting cocaine can cause severe bowel gangrene due to reduced blood flow." That doesn't sound especially pleasant.