Unilateral aggression

No, I'm not talking about the war in Iraq. I'm talking about this, which may very well be the least interesting invasion in history.

What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers wandered just over a mile across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion.

"We've spoken to the authorities in Liechtenstein and it's not a problem," Daniel Reist told The Associated Press.

Actually, as the article notes, Liechtenstein doesn't even have an army, so I guess the Swiss could get away with it, if they were serious. And frankly, I've never really trusted those cuckoo-clock-making bastards, what with all their fondue and neutrality and knives.

And speaking of the latter, don't their survival kits come with compasses?

Badge of honor

Okay, so I guess I'm "banned" from Ace of Spades HQ, just because I may have suggested that a certain blogger was a little light in his loafers, NTTAWWT.

Well, I stand by my remarks. Furthermore, I'd rather die than give up my cherished, inalienable right to insinuate that ace is a homo, NTTAWWT. So, ban me if you must. Do your worst, but know this:

"You can never take away my FREEDOM...to imply that you're a polesmoker. NTTAWWT."

Better living through bathroom cleansers

You know how some crazy people are absolutely fanatical about cleaning? Those are preferable to the other kind of crazy people, who don't seem to be especially put off by the smell of pee, but I digress. Well, where in the world do craziness and neat-freakishness collide the most? Why, Japan, of course.

Cleanliness has long been next to godliness for the hygiene-conscious Japanese, but fortune-tellers are now advising those who want to succeed in life to start by scrubbing the smallest room.

"Cleaning the toilet to attract luck" published this month is the latest in a series of books advising readers on how to attract good fortune using a brush and an array of cleaning fluids.

"Don't just wipe the floor, polish it," the book instructs. "It's important to maintain a positive mood while cleaning."

The books are inspired by Buddhist teachings and feng shui, a traditional Chinese belief that people's fortunes are determined by their surroundings.

The idea that Lady Luck may be hiding in the lavatory has been taken up by magazines and television programs.

"I won the lottery! I married my ideal person! I got pregnant!" read some of the claims on the cover of another book on the topic, published last year.

The idea that a clean toilet can bring good fortune, or even make you more beautiful, has existed in Japan for many years, according to Yuka Soma of Makino Publishing in Tokyo, editor of one of the toilet books.

Look, I'm all for a clean bathroom, but it's just not going to make you rich and famous. That's what deals with the devil are for. Just ask Oprah.

Okay, that was weird

My hometown just got mentioned at the beginning of tonight's episode of Lost. Random.

Hot potato

I know the Atkins people will tell you that potatoes aren't good for you, but this is ridiculous:

A 74-year-old Italian grandmother who bought a sack of potatoes at the her local market found a live grenade among the spuds.

"I found a bomb in the potatoes," Olga Mauriello said in a telephone interview with Reuters.

"I went to the market to buy some potatoes and that's where the bomb was. But this bomb was covered in dirt, and I put it in water and got all dirt off. And then I realized 'It's a bomb'!"

Police said the pine cone-shaped grenade, which had no pin and was still active, was the same type used by U.S. soldiers in Europe in World War Two. Authorities believe the mix-up happened at a farm in France, where the grenade was plucked from the ground along with potatoes.

To the woman's relief, police and explosives experts in the small town of San Giorgio a Cremano, near Naples, recovered the grenade and safely detonated it on Wednesday.

Ah, that's the good old bloodthirsty United States military for you. Nearly killing sweet old ladies without even trying.

More than pennies from Heaven

If you're going to try to cash a bad check, you probably don't want to make it completely and blatantly obvious that that's what you're doing. Case in point:

Kevin Russell found out it's not easy trying to cash a check from God. The 21-year-old man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a check for $50,000 at the Chase Bank in Hobart [Indiana] that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant," Hobart police Detective Jeff White said.

Russell was charged with one count attempted check fraud and one count intimidation, both felonies, and one count resisting law enforcement, a misdemeanor. He could face prison time.

Police were called to the bank after Russell tried to cash the check, which was written on an invalid Bank One check with no imprint, White said. Russell had several other checks with him that were signed the same way but made out in different dollar amounts, including one for $100,000.

Russell struggled with police as they tried to detain him, White said, and then threatened police as they transported him to the Hobart Police Department.

You probably don't want to mess with a guy who's tight enough with the Man Upstairs that he's getting hundreds of thousands of dollars from Him. That's practically begging for a smiting.

Late night/early morning musings

If it's true that no man is an island then how do you account for the Isle of Man?

And what's up with those cats without tails? That's pretty weird.

Regulation: it's what's for dinner

Oh, great. More busybodies telling people how they ought to live their lives and wanting the government to get involved with restaurant menus:

Many U.S. chain restaurants are promoting "extreme eating" with dishes that pack at least a day's worth of calories and fat, without giving customers facts about their orders, a consumer group said on Monday.

Displaying restaurant offerings including a cheese-laden chicken-and-pasta dish they dubbed "Angioplasta," officials at the Center for Science in the Public Interest said such dishes help fuel national epidemics of obesity and heart disease.

They urged local, state and national governments to make restaurants list nutritional data on their menus.

Michael Jacobson, the group's executive director, took aim at "table-service" chain restaurants like Ruby Tuesday's and Uno Chicago Grill. Such places increasingly stuff their dishes with extra unhealthy ingredients, he said.

"What we're finding is that table-service restaurants have launched into a whole new era of extreme eating," Jacobson said. "If we're going to deal with the epidemic of obesity and the tremendous prevalence of heart attacks and strokes, we're going to have to do something about restaurant foods."

Um, no "we" don't. People need to make choices about what they want to eat. If they want to eat healthy food, they can make that choice. If they want to load up on a lot of fattening crap, why, they can make that choice, too.

Oh, and I just love the example this guy showed reporters:

Jacobson showed reporters an appetizer offered by Uno Chicago Grill that he said contained 2,050 calories. It was a cross between a pizza and stuffed potato skins, with a deep-dish pizza crust crammed with mozzarella and cheddar cheese, mashed potatoes, bacon and sour cream.

Look, if you don't know that something like that isn't good for you, you're a moron. And if you eat stuff like that every day, you're probably not going to live to a ripe old age. Does that mean the government needs to step in and regulate restaurant menus? I don't think so. But these people think the government needs to step in to be our nanny because we're too stupid to make our own choices.

The sad thing is that they'll probably ultimately succeed.

Meaty monstrosity

Are you feeling hungry? And I don't just mean a little peckish, I mean really hungry? If so, you might want to head to Clearview, Pennsylvania:

The newest addition to the menu at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub is one whopper of a burger. The Beer Barrel Main Event Charity Burger weighs in at 123 pounds, a meaty monstrosity that its cooks maintain shatters the world record of 105 pounds shared by two restaurants in New Jersey and Thailand.

The sizable sandwich features an 80-pound beef patty, along with a pound each of lettuce, ketchup, relish, mustard and mayonnaise, 160 slices of cheese, up to five onions and 12 tomatoes.

It's topped with a couple of pounds of banana peppers, then sandwiched into a 30-pound bun. Don't forget the garnish of 33 pickles.

According to the article, the burger will set you back a cool $379. But you'd better hurry, because Michael Moore can easily afford that!

(Yeah, yeah, so I made a joke about Michael Moore's weight. It's not like I'm getting paid to come up with original material, you ungrateful bastards.)

The Oscars

Yeah, so I'm not really watching them at all. I honestly didn't see any of the movies that are nominated for anything, and while I'm sure at least some of them were entertaining, I just can't bring myself to care. Since I live here in SoCal, I'm sure I won't be hearing about much of anything else on the local news for the next couple of days anyway, so I don't really feel like I'm missing out either way.

Txt 4 w33d

Who's the last person you want to try to buy pot from? This guy is probably near the top of the list.

Misguided text messages led to the arrest of a western Kentucky teacher who is accused of trying to buy pot from a state trooper. Trooper Trevor Pervine was at dinner with his wife and parents, celebrating her birthday when his phone started buzzing.

Pervine was getting text messages about buying marijuana Thursday night, Kentucky State Police spokesman Barry Meadows said. The person sending the messages had the wrong number.

Ann Greenfield, 34, a teacher at Murray Middle School, is accused of sending the messages and has been charged with conspiracy to traffic in controlled substances within 1,000 feet of a school, possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia, Meadows said.

Pervine initially thought the messages were from friends playing a joke, Meadows said. A couple of phone calls put that idea to rest, so Pervine began responding to the messages to set up a meeting, Meadows said.

When Greenfield arrived at the meeting point, she found Pervine and other law enforcement officers waiting for her, Meadows said.

I don't know about you, but I probably would've paid to have seen the look on her face. The dumbass.

For the Children™

Behold the Maryland state legislature, where that fine state's politicians are dealing with the most pressing issues of the day:

Fake bull testicles and other anatomically explicit vehicle decorations would be banned from Maryland roads under a bill pending in the state legislature.

The measure was filed in the General Assembly Monday by Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr., R-Washingon, who says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches. The bill also would ban depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or genitals, with offenses punishable by fines of up to $500.

"It's time to take a stand," Myers told The (Hagerstown) Herald-Mail.

Right. Because the problem of people hanging bull balls from their trailer hitches is so widespread and pernicious that the state needs to get involved. Why, I bet there have been tens of children who have been severely traumatized by this menace of the highways and byways.

Look, these things are tacky and the kind of people who would put them on their vehicles are probably idiots, but is there really a compelling need for the government to step in and ban them? Don't these people have anything more important to talk about?

I guess not.

(This is a few days old, but it's related.)

Bitch, bitch, bitch

Come on, people, get a sense of humor.

A newly opened store catering to very pampered dogs, especially female dogs, is getting more than questioning looks for its name, High Maintenance Bitch.

The third word in the sign is widely visible at North 45th Street and Wallingford Avenue North, one of the main intersections in the Wallingford neighborhood business west of Interstate 5 and north of the Lake Washington Ship Canal.

"I am probably the most progressive liberal person in the world and I am personally offended by the sign," said Janet Stillman, executive director of the Wallingford Neighborhood Office. "It's so blatant and so in your face."

Who would have guessed that a "progressive liberal person" would turn out to be a humorless killjoy? And here's the kicker: the complainers just don't understand that the whole thing is meant to empower women. No, really.

"Our company is probably the most high-end pet brand in the world," [co-founder Lori] Pacchiano said. "We want to be known for growing from Seattle."

In the process, she said, one of her goals is to reclaim the word in its original meaning, a female dog, as opposed to a derogatory term for a woman.

"Our store is a dog store, but the concept and philosophy is directed specifically toward women," she said.

Uh-huh. And soon, I'll be opening a new pub in Boston called "The Potato-Gulping, Whiskey-Gargling, Baby-Spouting Mick." I'll be sure to let you know how well that goes over.

Old dirty bastard

No, I don't mean the late Wu-Tang Clan rapper. I'm talking about a real-life, honest to goodness old dirty bastard. And, boy, does he ever sound dirty:

An 81-year-old man was charged with possessing child pornography after a flood opened up a hole near a septic tank, revealing videotapes that depicted the man having sex with children decades before, the FBI announced Wednesday.

Walter C. Stevens is charged with one federal count of possessing child pornography, the FBI said. He turned himself in Wednesday after being told he would be charged, FBI agent Deborah McCarley said.

The investigation began in August, when a flood revealed a plastic bag with the tapes. The resident turned them over to the Sierra Vista police, who called in the FBI when the tapes appeared to contain films of an adult man having sex with minors, McCarley said.

The FBI lab in Quantico, Va., enhanced the tapes and confirmed they contained illegal activity, McCarley said Investigators identified Stevens and determined he made the tapes showing him having sex with underage Japanese girls while he lived there between 1965 and 1975, McCarley said. Other tapes allegedly showed Stevens having sex with underage Korean girls between 1975 and 1980 while he lived there and between 1980 and 1986 while he lived in Thailand.

Just another example of why it's a really, really bad idea to videotape yourself while committing crimes.

The article says that if he's convicted, he could face ten years in prison and a lifetime on probation. The dirtbag is 81 years old, so even if he survives ten years in the slammer, I doubt he'll have to worry about that probation for too long.

(Via Fark.)

Check's not in the mail

I've always hated paying bills, but I think I'd shit a brick if I got one like this:

Perhaps his $24 billion electric bill will teach Richard Redden not to leave the heat running. Thanks to a printing error, Redden and more than 1,300 Weatherford utility customers this week received billion-dollar electric bills marked as late notices.

Irving-bases DataProse, which prints customer bills for Weatherford Electric, said the company was embarrassed by the error.

"Obviously, this is not something we are pleased about," said Curtis Nelson, DataProse vice president and general manager.

You don't say.

Fun with Grandma

I always liked spending time with my late grandmothers. That's probably because they were sweet old ladies and not drunken, crazy-ass bitches.

Lincoln police said a 50-year-old woman was charged Tuesday with child abuse and criminal mischief after having her 12-year-old granddaughter drive her to her niece's house, where the grandma broke five windows.

A neighbor told police that Vickie Britton picked up a chair from the front yard of a duplex Monday night and used it to smash five windows, causing about $400 in damage, said Lincoln Police spokeswoman Katherine Finnell.

Finnell said police arrested Britton when she came back to the neighborhood more than an hour later. Police found Britton drunk and belligerent in the car with the 12-year-old behind the wheel, Finnell said.

Baking cookies, reading me stories, buying me toys for Christmas and my birthday. Those are some of the things I remember both of my grandmothers doing. I can't ever remember a single instance when either of them got drunk and had me drive them around on any sort of crime spree. That was more of something we tended to do with my uncle.

Do you take yours black or with cream and Hitler?

Nothing says sweet, sweet sugar like...Hitler?

Small packets of sugar bearing the likeness of Adolf Hitler and carrying Holocaust jokes have been found in some cafes in Croatia, prompting an investigation, the office of the state prosecutor said Monday.

"The local district attorney in (the eastern town of) Pozega has opened an investigation and is currently looking at the matter," said Martina Mihordin.

The Novi List daily newspaper reported that officials at a small factory in Pozega have confirmed the sugar packs were produced on their premises.

The incident will embarrass the government which has been keen to play down the country's past links with Nazism.

Yeah. That's definitely not going to help.

But who would've guessed that something like this could happen in the Balkans, of all places. It's not like they have a history of racial intolerance in that neighborhood, right?

The mummy's curse: loneliness

I sure hope this guy didn't have any pets:

Police called to a Long Island man's house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set.

The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York, resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said Saturday his body was discovered Thursday when they were called to the house over a burst water pipe.

"You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. The home's low humidity had preserved the body.

Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005.

Seriously, you'd think they would've cut off his power after a month or so. Unless he had direct deposit. In that case, I guess the mummy could've watched TV for eternity.

His neighbors just figured he was in the hospital, and that's why they hadn't seen him for more than a year. The sad thing is, I have several neighbors who I wouldn't miss for a similar amount of time.

So that's what he looks like

The guy who runs Hot Chicks with Douchebags is a little peeved about the fact that Jim Treacher was given credit for his blog, so he's posted a picture of a guy that he says could be the mysterious Treach himself.

Huh. Well, I guess we now know where he stands on the whole unicorn issue. And hair gel, too.

I don't remember video games being so strenuous

I'm kind of sore this weekend because I went to occasional commenter and longtime real-world friend Andy's new apartment on Friday night, where we played a bunch of games on his Nintendo Wii. Unlike other video game consoles, the Wii involves a lot of physical activity. We played home run derby a few times, some golf, and bowling. I found the latter to be the most fun, and although he beat me two out of three games (the prize: Respect) I managed to get four strikes in a row in the game I won.

I honestly thought I'd be feeling worse than I did the next day, seeing as how I'm an almost entirely sedentary creature, but I'm only a little sore. All in all, the Wii is pretty fun. Hopefully, in the future, I'll get a little better at the games. It takes some getting used to.

Lucky bastard

I can't ever seem to catch a break on anything, and now I think I know why. This guy is lucky enough for himself, me, and several other people:

An airline pilot from Maplewood won a $25,000 lottery jackpot _ two days in a row. Raymond Snouffer Jr. matched the winning numbers 11-14-23-26-31 to win Saturday's Northstar Cash drawing with odds of about 170,000 to 1, Minnesota Lottery officials said.

On Sunday, Snouffer stuck with 11 and switched to 3-7-19-28 _ and won again.

Meanwhile, I found a penny in the dryer after doing a load of laundry. I'll let you know if that happens again tomorrow.

"It's amazing what vodka does"

Looks like we've got ourselves an Australian practitioner of the Ace of Spades Lifestyle™ here:

A man who caught a 4-foot shark with his bare hands off an Australian beach said on Friday he only tried the feat because he was drunk on vodka.

Phillip Kerkhof was fishing off a jetty at Louth Bay, a town on South Australia state's Eyre Peninsula 870 miles west of Sydney, when he spotted the bronze whaler shark swimming in the shallows, the Australian Broadcasting Corp. reported.

"I just snuck up behind him, and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," Kerkhof said.

"He was just thrashing around in the water … starting to turn around and try to bite me and I thought 'well, it's amazing what vodka does'," Kerkhof said.

There's no word on whether or not any Thai tranny hookers were involved.

Not a good way to get repeat business

A lot of people find buying a car to be a stressful experience, what with all the pushy salesmen and credit checks and financing deals, but most customers don't have to put up with anything like this:

A 73-year-old car dealership owner has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for attacking a customer with a machete.

Robert "Jack" Parker, who must serve five years before he is eligible for parole, was convicted Wednesday of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after a jury deliberated for less than two hours.

According to police, Gerald Davis had purchased a car from Time Auto Sales and went back to the dealership to pick up his license plates. Police said Davis, 53, and Parker began arguing and eventually Parker produced the machete.

Now, Parker's attorney argued that he pulled the machete in self-defense, but I guess the jury didn't buy that. My main question is why someone would have a machete at a car dealership.

Mad love

Though it's early, this story may well be one of the strangest of the year.

To summarize it a little bit: A young woman named Linda Hodge meets an older, extremely wealthy man named Bruce McMahan, with whom she starts a relationship. Several years later, though both are married to other people, they fly to London where the following happens:

"We traveled to London for some business, and during that trip Bruce took me to the Westminster Abbey and we exchanged vows," Linda testified in her deposition.

Besides her testimony, there are the cheek-to-cheek photographs documenting this unusual ceremony.

There is little description in court records of how the couple made their ceremony happen in the very public church on June 23, 2004. Photographs inside the sanctuary are prohibited, so only the two of them would know if there was anything more to it than two well-dressed tourists walking up and performing a little ritual during visiting hours.

They took their photos with the garden of the Little Cloister as a backdrop. In one, they share a chaste kiss.

According to several people close to the litigation, a ceremony at Westminster Abbey made sense because McMahan, they say, is an Anglophile who counts among his heroes Adm. Lord Nelson, the British naval hero who died in the Battle of Trafalgar. Also, McMahan is said to believe that his genes are exemplary and saw in Linda the best match for his own superiority.

Four days after the ceremony, Linda wrote in an e-mail: "You asked me afterwards if I felt different. Near, I don't but at a distance, I do. I am glad about this and feel the insecurities slipping away."

In other e-mails, they began to sign off as "H" and "W," references to husband and wife. In one e-mail, dated June 29, 2004, McMahan wrote: "Miss you W. Think nasty things about you all the time." Linda answered a couple of hours later: "Mmm yeah, nasty is so good. You must have read my mind. What else can we say, we're H & W — that's the beauty."

Okay, so they've become polygamists at this point. That's weird. But the weirder thing is that McMahan turns out to be Hodge's long-lost father.

Weirder still? That would be the fact that Hodge and McMahan started their relationship—their very intimate relationship, if you know what I mean—after a paternity test had confirmed that he was her father, a fact which both of them knew. Beforehand. Yeah.

Read the whole thing. If you feel like getting a serious case of the heebie jeebies, that is.

(Via Fark)

A long way from Gotham

I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like the Joker was sighted in the vicinity:

Three schools in the north Phoenix suburb of Cave Creek were on lockdown for about 45 minutes Wednesday morning after a student at Desert Arroyo Middle School reported seeing a person dressed as Batman run across campus, jump a fence and disappear into the desert, Scottsdale police Sgt. Mark Clark said.

The student described the person as 6 feet 3 inches tall and possibly male.

"We're assuming it was male, although they did have a mask on," Clark said.

Officers combed the desert around the middle school. A nearby elementary school and high school also were on lockdown as officers sought the caped crusader.

The result _ no Batman.

"It's just one of those interesting little stories that we looked into but we couldn't find anyone," Clark said.

Don't you think that maybe—just maybe—this was the product of a somewhat overactive imagination? Sounds that way to me. But if Batman really was around, the lockdown really wasn't necessary—those kids had never been safer.

Filthy, filthy animals

I'm not what you'd call a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but this seems just plain wrong:

Genevieve Chandler has been visiting the Lowry Park Zoo since she was a kid, but the tour she got the other night was definitely not the G-rated fare of her childhood. Among the things Chandler, 30, and her date learned on their "Wild at Heart" zoo tour: Male pigs have a unique corkscrew endowment and impressive, um, output; manatees have orgies and don't really care if their partners are male or female; and a male porcupine has only one four-hour window a year to mate _ very carefully, of course.

Valentine's Day is the time of year when zoos around the nation seek to woo a new adult audience with risque tours that couple champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries and candlelight dining with impressive facts about how animals do the wild thing.

Right. Because what could possibly be more romantic than learning about bisexual manatee orgies?

Tour guides in Tampa warned of possible manatee make-out sessions. But the giant mammals were content to munch on vegetation while the tour group ate a candlelight dinner in front of the zoo's massive aquarium windows.

"Manatees are not particular," Nelson said. "We have only males right now and they don't seem to care."

And people actually pay good money to eat a romantic candlelight dinner in front of that? Sometimes, I'm glad that I'll probably die alone.

The damnedest thing

My neighbors seem to be singing some sort of Chinese barbershop quartet. Huh.

You're never too old to act creepy

You'd think that once women reach a certaain age, they'd get over the bunny boiling thing, but then, you'd be wrong:

A 70-year-old Japanese woman has gone on trial for bombarding a 79-year-old man with over 200 love letters, repeatedly cleaning his family tombstone and breaking a stalking ban, media reported over the weekend.

Prosecutors told a court in Ibaraki prefecture in eastern Japan the defendant had forced her way into the man's home seven times between July and October last year despite being ordered to stay away by police, the Mainichi newspaper reported.

Prosecutors said the woman had sent 206 love letters and cleaned the man's family grave site 85 times. After the prohibition order was issued, she then demanded 1.25 million yen ($10,300) from him for the amount she had paid to get a driver's license to travel to his home and for petrol costs.

That's some chutzpah, right there. And it kind of makes me doubt the purity of her crazy-ass stalker love for the guy, being all petty and calculating and materialistic like that. Stalkers are usually a little more unhinged than that.

Later, she reportedly started sending threatening letters to the man, saying "If it comes down to it, you could die," the paper quoted the indictment as saying.

Now that's more like it.

This sucks

One of my favorite radio hosts, Mr. KABC, is off the air. Apparently, he and the radio station (guess which one) couldn't agree on a new contract. I hope he finds a new gig somewhere here in L.A. sometime soon.

Update: If you want to call on KABC to renew Mr. KABC's contract, call 310-840-4900 or 800-222-KABC.

Some constructive criticism for the adult swim folks

You know, people standing/sitting around looking awkward and gurgling is pretty far from what most people would call "Awesome." But I guess taking one of my comedy heroes and making him unfunny, well, that's...something. Oh, and this kind of sucks, too. Actually, it really sucks.

Huh. I guess none of that was very constructive, but I guess you could chalk that up to having just watched a half hour of total fucking crap.

Comedy or tragedy?

It's hard to decide which category this blog falls in. It's funny, but it infuriates me and makes me sad, all at the same time.

Via Treacher and Ace.

Dumbass wants jail time

I don't have much of a sweet tooth, so I don't eat much chocolate. Nonetheless, this annoys me:

A Dutch journalist asked an Amsterdam court on Friday to convict him for eating chocolate, saying by doing so he was benefiting from child slavery on cocoa farms in Ivory Coast.

Teun van de Keuken, 35, is seeking a jail sentence to raise consumer awareness and force the cocoa and chocolate industry to take tougher measures to stamp out child labour.

"If I am found guilty of this crime, any chocolate consumer can be prosecuted after that. I hope that people would stop buying chocolate and thus hurt the sales of big corporations and make them do something about the problem," van de Keuken said.

You know, there are other ways to raise awareness about this problem. Like, oh, I don't know...maybe writing a detailed expose about child slavery in some sort of periodical. But one would have to be some sort of journalist to make that happen, so I guess getting sent to jail for some phony-baloney crime is the only way to go.

"Sorry, hoss."

Lyle wrecks Teodor's peaceful moment. He wrecks it so badly.

Gay in the NBA

So, some guy I never heard of who used to play in the NBA for a few seasons apparently came out of the closet. What's priceless are some of the reactions from current players:

Injured Philadelphia Sixers forward Shavlik Randolph acknowledged it's a new situation.

"As long as you don't bring your gayness on me I'm fine," Randolph said. "As far as business-wise, I'm sure I could play with him. But I think it would create a little awkwardness in the locker room."

I feel the same way, Shavlik. I hate it when some dude gets his gayness on me, though I'm pretty sure you can get gayness out of your jersey with a little club soda.

News that Amaechi had come out surprised some players.

"For real? He's gay for real?" said Philadelphia center Steven Hunter. "Nowadays it's proven that people can live double lives. I watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of sick perverted stuff about married men running around with gay guys and all types of foolishness."

Even so, Hunter said he would be fine with an openly gay teammate.

Okay, sure. Now, get ready for the inappropriate comment in three, two, one...

"As long as he don't make any advances toward me I'm fine with it," he said. "As long as he came to play basketball like a man and conducted himself like a good person, I'd be fine with it." [emphasis mine]

As opposed to him coming to play basketball like a little sissy girl, huh?

Anyway, I don't really care about what these people said, but it'll be interesting to see if anyone picks up on these remarks and demands that these guys get sent to sensitivity training. Because, honestly, if you or I got caught saying stuff like that about a co-worker who came out of the closet, we'd be punished for it in one way or another.

At last, the bathroom of my dreams

I don't care if excessively decadent things like this are the reason why the rest of the world hates us, I want one.

Think you deserve a throne? A U.S. plumbing firm has created a luxury toilet equipped with laptop computer and flat-screen TV which it plans to give away in an online sweepstake.

Ohio-based Roto-Rooter says its "Pimped Out John" is designed to "fulfill all your wildest bathroom dreams."

Somehow, I doubt that. Not unless it comes with...uh...perhaps I've already said too much.

Special features include an iPod music player and speakers, an Xbox video game console, a refrigerator filled with drinks and snacks and a cycling exercise machine.

What do you want to bet that the "cycling exercise machine" is the accessory that gets used least by whoever wins this thing?

How'd he get his pants off while wearing skis?

Pepole play with themselves in the strangest places these days:

Blame global warming. An Albany, N.Y., man is accused of riding nude in a gondola at Stratton Mountain Resort on Dec. 15. William N. Barrett III, 46, pleaded not guilty to felony lewd and lascivious conduct and misdemeanor marijuana possession Tuesday in Vermont District Court.

A witness reported to lift attendants that Barrett was nude and touching himself inappropriately while riding the lift.

He was supposedly fully clothed by the time he reached the bottom of the hill, so I guess it was the thrill of doing it on the ski lift. Not exactly the mile high club, but hey, you've got to get your thrills where you can find them.

Wondering why he could have possibly thought this was a good idea?

Police found a glass pipe and film canister containing marijuana in his pocket when they arrested him, authorities said.

Hopefully, the next time he decides to get high and diddle himself, he'll just stay in his basement.

Astro-nuts

This story gives me hope in a perverse sort of way, since it demonstrates that even extraordinarily talented, driven, and successful people can screw up just like the rest of us schmucks.

An astronaut drove 900 miles and donned a disguise to confront a woman she believed was her rival for the affections of a space shuttle pilot, police said. She was arrested Monday and charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts.

U.S. Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, 43, who flew last July on a shuttle mission to the international space station, was also charged with attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery. She was denied bail.

Police said Nowak drove from her home in Houston to the Orlando International Airport to confront Colleen Shipman.

Nowak believed Shipman was romantically involved with Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, a pilot during space shuttle Discovery's trip to the space station last December, police said.

Nowak told police that her relationship with Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship," according to an arrest affidavit. Police officers recovered a love letter to Oefelein in her car.

If you thought this story was good so far, oh brother, just wait—the really good craziness is just beginning...

When she found out that Shipman was flying to Orlando from Houston, Nowak decided to confront her, according to the arrest affidavit. Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate, authorities said.

Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

And it seems they wear them during crazy-ass kidnapping attempts, too.

Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, Nowak boarded an airport bus that Shipman took to her car in an airport parking lot. Shipman told police she noticed someone following her, hurried inside the car and locked the doors, according to the arrest affidavit.

Nowak rapped on the window, tried to open the car door and asked for a ride. Shipman refused but rolled down the car window a few inches when Nowak started crying.

Big mistake there, honey. Were I the kind of person who talks to the characters on the screen, this is where I'd be yelling at her not to roll down the window.

Nowak then sprayed a chemical into Shipman's car, the affidavit said.

Of course she did.

Shipman drove to the parking lot booth, and the police were called.

During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Inside Nowak's vehicle, which was parked at a nearby motel, authorities uncovered a pepper spray package, an unused BB-gun cartridge, latex gloves and e-mails between Shipman and Oefelein. They also found a letter "that indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein," an opened package for a buck knife, Shipman's home address and hand written directions to the address, the arrest affidavit said.

It's probably a good thing that this Nowak woman was so batshit crazy in love. If she'd been a little more lucid, she might've come up with a better plan, and those garbage bags could be full of Shipman in little pieces out in the Everglades.

If she's convicted, she could end up getting life in prison.

Update: Donnah brings up a thought that I had, but forgot to add:

I'd say NASA needs to beef up the psych eval section of their fitness reports before someone up in the space gets their Tang poisoned.

She also links to a photo of Cmdr. Oefelein, who she describes as "devastatingly unremarkable," though I must say he has a haircut you could set your watch to.

Another father of the year candidate

Can't get that crying baby to quiet down so you can get some sleep? Most people would try singing to it or rocking it gently. This guy tried a different approach:

An Albany [Oregon] father used a 100,000-volt stun gun on his 18-month-old son, police said Monday. Rian Whittman, 23, has been accused of assault and criminal mistreatment. Police said he used it "multiple times" over three weeks. A police spokesman said there were up to 10 instances.

Police said Whittman's wife, 21, who was not named, reported the abuse on Saturday.

The child was treated at a hospital, police said, and then taken into protective custody by the state Department of Human Services.

Actually, the article says that the authorities don't know why this jagoff did it, but really, who cares? You just don't use a stun gun on a baby.

Cry me a friggin' river

When I lived alone in a small apartment in the years following college, I didn't have air conditioning.

So, yeah, Mamut, why don't you quit whining and cram it?

Think of all the horrible mirrors

Do you enjoy exercise? Do you also enjoy exposing yourself to strangers? Well, if you live in the Netherlands, you're in luck:

Self-conscious about what you wear while working out? A Dutch gym plans to introduce "Naked Sunday" for people who like to huff and puff in the buff.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm a little more self-conscious about my nudity that about what I'm wearing while I exercise. Anyway, moving right along...

Patrick de Man, owner of Fitworld gym in the town of Heteren, said he got the idea in part from two of his customers who are avid nudists.

"I heard that some other gyms are offering courses on 'pole-dancing' as a sport, so I thought: Why not bring something new to the market?" de Man said.

He said the response had been overwhelming — positive and negative.

I could have told him that would happen. Weirdos who like to exercise with their junk hanging out would love it, while the rest of us would be a little put off by the idea. And here's why:

De Man said the first question Fitworld customers were asking was whether it would be sanitary.

Nude exercisers would be required to put towels down on weight machines and to use disposable seat covers while riding bikes. All machines would be cleaned and disinfected afterward. "We clean them every day anyway," he said.

Still, you probably couldn't pay me to work out on a weight machine or a stationary bike that had been coated with someone's crotch sweat, towel or not. But good luck with that.

Let's lay off the murdering, okay?

This story is interesting pretty much all the way through, but something in the lede jumped out at me:

Immigrants wishing to live in the small Canadian town of Herouxville, Quebec, must not stone women to death in public, burn them alive or throw acid on them, according to an extraordinary set of rules released by the local council.

Uhhh...those rules don't sound "extraordinary" to me. Maybe it's just the way I was raised, but murdering women is kind of frowned upon in my family.

Read the whole thing, which includes the utterly predictable outraged reaction from the head of a Canadian Muslim organization.

Uhhhhh...why?

Oh, God, this is just nasty:

A 36-year-old Omaha man accused of luring women to his home and taking urine samples when they thought they were applying for a job was found guilty Thursday of two counts of criminal impersonation.

Victims told police Kevin Oliver said he worked for cell phone company T-Mobile and was interviewing them for jobs. Prosecutors said there never were any jobs.

"To this day, we don't know what his ultimate goal was but whatever it was it was deceptive, it was damaging and it was protracted," said Omaha city prosecutor Marty Conboy. "This went on for 18 months that we know of."

I think it's probably a good thing that "we don't know what his ultimate goal was," because it damn well probably wasn't anything good.

But, ladies, don't you think it's a little suspicious when someone wants to take your urine sample at his house? Think about it.

Oh no: More mutant deer

Remember last month when that guy killed the hermaphrodite deer with all the extra legs? Well, it happened again:

Joe Stokes was deer hunting on public land in Sumter County on Nov. 12 and shot two deer, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission reported.

When FWC senior wildlife technician Tim Farley logged in the deer, he discovered that one deer was a hermaphrodite, possessing both male and female reproductive organs. Farley also he logged in another hermaphrodite deer the day before.

"I've been doing this for 27 years, and I've only come across three deer that were 'true' hermaphrodites, those having all of the male and female sex organs," Farley said in a statement.

Now, the article says that the guy who runs deer management for the FWC says that hermaphrodite deer are "extremely rare," but this guy, Farley, has seen two of them in as many days? That can't be good.

Next thing you know, they'll start developing giant fangs or heat vision or something that will kill us all.

Weird tales of the Sitemeter II

Every once in a while, someone stops by here, having been referred here by my comment on this post about a hot foreign chick by Dave in Texas—a week or so ago, three different people came here on the same day via that link.

That was posted back in April of last year, and it was just a throwaway comment with a stupid joke about a somewhat obscure Canadian teevee show, so I don't know why they keep showing up here, but that's cool. I takes my hits where I can get 'em.

Oh, and thanks, Dave in Texas.

Fitness is important

Man, I don't know how I could have missed this article yesterday, but it looks like the Chinese are striving to become just as crass as we are:

Treadmills are run-of-the-mill -- Luo Lan wants the Chinese masses to pole dance instead.

As manager of Beijing's first pole dancing school, Luo says she is trying to make exercise fun -- and not morally corrupt anyone in a country where this kind of dancing is associated with seedy bars and sex is still a taboo topic.

But she admits she has had a tough time convincing people that pole dancing, which has a celebrity following said to include pop star Britney Spears and heiress Paris Hilton, is great for your health.

Fancy that. I don't see why you'd have trouble convincing people to try something that Britney Spears uses to work out. But I digress...

"When I first started people would only come furtively, and not tell their boyfriends or husbands," Luo told Reuters in the apartment she has converted into a dance studio with poles bolted to the floor and roof.

"But over the last year, people have started to hear more about pole dancing, and they know it's purely for keeping fit," she added, as one of her students in black hotpants writhed around a shiny steel pole.

Huh? What was that you said just now? Something about fitness? I...uh...wasn't really listening. Something must have...distracted me.

Luo started her pole dancing school, located in a fashionable part of Beijing, last July after realizing that nobody in the city was offering classes in what had become a fashionable way to shape up and lose weight in the United States and Europe.

"Lots of girls love pole dancing, but like me could not find a place to learn. So I spent a lot of time doing research, watching DVDs," Luo said.

Ah, yes. I'm familiar with that kind of "research," too. Very familiar. Which reminds me...I have to go download some of that "research" right now.

And these nipple clamps will help with your fear of flying

I don't know about you, but I'm just not quite buying this guy's story:

An Australian psychologist charged with indecently assaulting a patient told a court on Tuesday that forcing his female patient to wear a dog collar and call him master was within a psychologist's ethical guidelines.

Psychologist Bruce Beaton, 64, pleaded not guilty in the Western Australia District Court to four charges of indecently assaulting a 22-year-old woman in 2005, local media reported.

Beaton was arrested when police, who had been secretly video recording the session with the woman, heard whipping sounds, reported Australian Associated Press from the court.

Beaton told the court he resorted to master-servant treatment with his bulimic patient because other methods had failed. He said he thought forcing the woman to wear a dog collar and call him master would build a more trusting relationship.

Riiiiiight. Because nothing helps to build trust like forcing someone to participate in your creepy bondage games.

He said that this sort of thing is "right within the ethical guidelines" of the Australian Psychological Society, which must be one of the world's freakiest professional associations, if he's correct. Hmmmm...I wonder what's their positiion on the psychological treatment value of skintight, black vinyl bodysuits.

Greasy kid stuff

Well, this would put me right off my lunch:

A high school lunch period was disrupted Monday by a greased, naked student who ran around screaming and flailing his arms until police twice used a stun gun on him, authorities said.

Taylor Killian, 18, had rubbed his body with grapeseed oil to keep from being caught, and got up after the first time he was shocked to continue running toward a group of frightened students huddled in a corner at Westerville North High School, Lt. Jeff Gaylor said.

"That prank went a little farther than he intended, I guess," Gaylor said.

This was supposedly a prank? Sounds more like the kind of thing that could maybe land someone in the psych ward for observation.

Police said that an administrator ordered Killian to stop, but that the student made a sexual gesture and kept running.

Killian is in jail and charged with inducing panic, public indecency, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. A message seeking comment was left at Killian's home.

School officials reported that Killian was a good student, Gaylor said. There was no indication of substance abuse or a medical problem.

Well, something must've set him off. Watching too much Jackass, maybe.

Anyway, I can't wait for his lawyer to come out and claim thatr what he did was a protest or performance art, and that it's protected by the first amendment.

Now that he's not running anymore...

...John Kerry apparently feels free to put his foot in his mouth.

I'm sure it was just a series of "botched jokes."

I'm guessing it'll be heavy on the pancakes

What's the worst place possible for a discussion of porn? Why, church, of course.

It's not your typical church breakfast. An event billed as "Porn and Pancakes" is being hosted by a church in rural upstate New York.

The breakfast discussion on the pornography industry in America is planned next month at the Living Word Assembly of God Church in the town of Ontario, about ten miles east of Rochester.

[...]

Organizers told a Rochester TV station that the event on February 10th will be an honest discussion about pornography and its impact on society. The discussion will be led by Triple-X Church, a group of youth ministers who travel the country talking about porn and the porn industry.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I was kind of disappointed with Triple-X Church. When I first read the group's name, I figured it was some kind of ministry for born-again porn stars. Because, really, who would possibly know more about sin?

Anyway, I'm guessing that somehow, the pro-porn viewpoint won't be very well represented at this "honest discussion" on the subject.

Milestone reached, redux

In this here post where I celebrated my 10,000th visitor, I made a bonehead move. I thanked the 10,000th visitor and the guy who threw me the link that got me that visitor, but forgot to thank everyone else who has stopped by over the last year or so, those of you who have bothered to leave comments, and the other bloggers who have sent some traffic my way.

If it weren't for all of you, my blog wouldn't be the (very minor) success that it's become. I'd like to thank you all for dropping by to watch a prematurely bitter old crank rant about the things that annoy him and make fun of the news.

Parking lot bastards

Man, I fucking hate it when I pull into a parking lot (as I just did not fifteen minutes ago), see someone stepping off the sidewalk in front of me, and stop for them to pass, only to have them saunter along at a snail's pace directly in front of me, including right through the goddamned parking space I obviously intend to park in.

Now, it'd be one thing if this was a little old lady or a handicapped person, which I wouldn't mind so much, but I'm talking about three able-bodied people, each of them around twenty years old. Bastards.

I hope it was worth it

Remember the guy who got arrested last fall for trying to steal a mannequin for...uh...personal gratification? Well, it looks like he's going somewhere where there aren't any mannequins:

A man who acknowledged a sexual fetish for female-shaped mannequins was sentenced Thursday to more than a year in prison after repeatedly breaking into storefront windows.

Ronald Dotson, 39, of Detroit, was sentenced to 18 months to 30 years on charges of breaking and entering and being a habitual criminal.

He was arrested in October after police in the Detroit suburb of Royal Oak spotted him near a smashed storefront window containing a mannequin wearing a French maid outfit.

The arrest came less than a week after he had been paroled for his sixth breaking-and-entering conviction in 13 years.

Some of the previous cases also involved mannequins. Police once found him in an alley behind a women's clothing store with three mannequins dressed in lingerie.

Mercifully, they don't say what exactly he was doing with the three lingerie-clad dummies. Some things are better left to the imagination.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go poke my brain with a Q-tip.

Sound advice

When you're out huntin' for your "vittles," there are some areas you want to avoid:

New Jersey has warned squirrel hunters near a toxic waste dump about consuming the critters because they could be contaminated with lead.

It is the first time the state has cautioned Ringwood residents many who are members of the Ramapough Mountain Indian tribe who hunt and fish in the area about their squirrel intake, said Tom Slater, a spokesman for the Department of Health and Senior Services.

A lead-contaminated squirrel was found in the area two months ago, prompting the agency, along with the state Department of Environmental Protection, to send out letters advising that adults eat squirrel no more than twice a week and even less for children and pregnant women.

Uh...how about you just cut the squirrel out of your diet entirely? Chicken isn't all that expensive anymore, and things like ground beef and pork chops are surprisingly affordable.

I know, you'll miss eating them little rat-like creatures at first, but once you ease into the culinary mainstream, you'll never look back.

Take the pledge

On a more serious note than I usually sound around here, Beth over at My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy wants Republicans to sign the following pledge:

If the United States Senate passes a resolution, non-binding or otherwise, that criticizes the commitment of additional troops to Iraq that General Petraeus has asked for and that the president has pledged, and if the Senate does so after the testimony of General Petraeus on January 23 that such a resolution will be an encouragement to the enemy, I will not contribute to any Republican senator who voted for the resolution. Further, if any Republican senator who votes for such a resolution is a candidate for re-election in 2008, I will not contribute to the National Republican Senatorial Committee unless the Chairman of that Committee, Senator Ensign, commits in writing that none of the funds of the NRSC will go to support the re-election of any senator supporting the non-binding resolution.

She makes a good case for why this is so important:

This matters, y’all. This isn’t just about supporting Bush; it’s about showing the Iraqis that we are not weak-kneed, fair-weather friends to those who need our help, and that we aren’t afraid to do what it takes to get the job done. Y’all know that’s what those serving in uniform are waiting for, because they aren’t going all wobbly. It’s their lives on the line. Too bad some in the Senate place their own “political survival” higher in their priorities than the actual lives of our troops and our national security.

Sounds exactly right to me, so I signed it. If you want to sign it or read more about it, head on over to the link at the top of this post. Let's hope they take it seriously.

(Via ace whose post—trust me on this—you do not want to read all the way through.)

Milestone reached

Woo-hoo! I got my 10,000th visitor today. I'd like to thank whoever it was, from Foley, Alabama, and also SeeDubya, who sent them here.

Update: Here's a screenshot, since that first link didn't really work:

What did they expect?

Uh, there's a reason why they named the animal after one of the seven deadly sins. Or was it the other way around? Either way...

Scientists in the eastern German city of Jena said Wednesday they have finally given up after three years of failed attempts to entice a sloth into budging as part of an experiment in animal movement.

The sloth, named Mats, was remanded to a zoo after consistently refusing to climb up and then back down a pole, as part of an experiment conducted by scientists at the University of Jena's Institute of Systematic Zoology and Evolutionary Biology.

Neither pounds of cucumbers nor plates of homemade spaghetti were appetizing enough to make Mats move.

Aside from the fact that these people wasted three years trying to get a sloth to move, the best part of this story was the following quote:

"Mats obviously wanted absolutely nothing to do with furthering science," said Axel Burchardt, a university spokesman.

Really, Axel? You think so?

Next time, she'll probably find a gas station

If there's one piece of advice that my grandpa gave me that I'll never forget, it's his axiom that "Nothing good can come of going to the bathroom outside." Well, he never actually said that, but it's still good advice:

A woman going to the bathroom outside lost her balance and fell into Lake Erie, said police, who had to pull her out of the frigid water. Officer Kevin Youskievicz and the woman's friend helped pull her out early Monday and wrapped a blanket around her until an ambulance arrived.

She was treated at a hospital and released.

The woman's friend told police the woman needed to go to the bathroom and lost her balance near the water.

Now, if you're desperate to go, why do it perched near a lake full of freezing cold water, especially if you have to squat down somewhat precariously to do so?

Now, you too can look like a third world prostitute

Sometimes people complain that girls in this country dress like prostitutes these days. Well, in Brazil, you literally can:

As the rich and slim flocked to waterfront convention center for Rio de Janeiro's glitzy biannual fashion show, prostitutes in a downtown square took to a cobblestone catwalk for a show of their own.

Sex service workers from Davida, a Brazilian organization that defends the rights of prostitutes, strutted through the streets wearing their new line of fall/winter clothes.

The brand's name is Daspu, is a play on "Daslu," one of Brazil's most expensive and exclusive fashion names being displayed across town by top models like Gisele Bundchen.

Gabriela Leite, a founder of Daspu, said it was no mistake that her show was running on Fashion Rio's biggest night.

"This fashion show today makes up part of our fall/winter collection that is not on the official agenda of Fashion Rio because we were never invited. Once again, social responsibility does not appear where it should appear," Leite said.

If getting snubbed by a fashion show is the biggest problem facing the prostitutes of Rio, well, life must be better for them than I would've imagined. But stay strong, Gabriela. You shall overcome someday and get invited to the fashion show. Who knows? Maybe even movie premieres.

Oh. Thanks.

So I go to get a haircut yesterday, and the chick who's cutting my hair is halfway finished before she mentions that they're having a $4.99 haircut sale...starting next week.

A fat lot of good that does me.

Criminal masterminds

When you're stealing something, it helps to know what you're actually swiping. Case in point:

Three thieves who allegedly stole 14 global positioning system devices didn't get away with their crime for long. The devices led police right to their home.

Town officials said the thieves didn't even know what they had: they thought the GPS devices were cell phones, which they planned to sell.

According to Suffolk County police, the GPS devices were stolen Monday night from the Town of Babylon Public Works garage in Lindenhurst [New York]. The town immediately tapped its GPS system, and it showed that one of the devices was inside a house. Police said that when they arrived there, Kurt Husfeldt, 46, had the device in his hands.

He didn't even think to hide or even put down the stolen property when police came to the door. For his sake, I hope he doesn't decide to represent himself in court.

No, I take that back. Because it would probably be hilarious.

Life imitates The Jungle Book

This is just crazy:

A woman has been returned to her home in Vietnam's Central Highlands 18 years after she went missing as an eight-year old girl tending cows near the Cambodian border, her father told a newspaper on Thursday.

Policeman Ksor Lu long believed that his daughter had been eaten by a wild animal until last Saturday when he was told that loggers had found "a forestman" at a village in Cambodia's province of Ratanakiri.

Lu arrived and "recognized his daughter from the first sighting" even though her body was blackened and she had long hair down to her legs and could not speak, according to the account in the Vietnam Rural Today newspaper.

Lu said his daughter, Ro Cham H'pnhieng of the Jrai ethnic minority group, probably spent most of the time in the jungle in Cambodia since she went missing in 1989.

The loggers told Lu that they caught her after realizing that someone had sneaked up and taken their lunch.

So, in essence, she only got caught after she swiped someone's pic-a-nic basket. Maybe I should've titled the post "Life imitates Yogi Bear."

The article goes on to say that at first, she resisted doing things like bathing and wearing clothes when she was brought home, so I'm guessing she was running around in the jungle nekkid. Which is why I'm wondering why the loggers thought they'd found a "forestman." Huh.

Baby, it's cold outside

The Weather Channel's website says it's just a few degrees above freezing here in my little corner of balmy Southern California, but I'm not quite sure they're right. All of the cars outside are coated with a layer of frost, and the lawns are stiff and glistening with ice crystals. I ran my hands through the blades of grass on a couple of them when I went outside for the night's last smoke, and they feel like cold astroturf.

Anyway, I figured the low temperatures here mean that I should educate you about something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to the human race as we know it:



I'm totally cereal about this.

Screencap bleg

Can anyone reccomend a good free program you can download for screen captures? I looked on download.com, and most everything is a free trial of something I'd have to buy later. And I'm poor as hell right now.

Global warming strikes again

It's been snowing in Malibu today. I just saw news footage of snow in Westwood, which is part of the West side of L.A., on the teevee.

Is ManBearPig visiting Southern California today?

Having your cake...stolen by a pro athlete

Okay, this one is more than a little weird:

A man walking down the street at bar-closing time with a $190 cake in his arms claimed Los Angeles Lakers center Kwame Brown swiped his birthday treat.

But authorities said the cake caper won't be prosecuted.

In a police report, Alexander Martinez said he left his 30th birthday celebration at the Shore Restaurant and Lounge at about 1:45 a.m. Saturday with the uneaten 2-by-2-foot cake and walked north toward the Blue 32 nightclub.

Martinez told police he first came upon Lakers forward Ronny Turiaf, who he said agreed to pose for a photograph with him and the chocolate cake.

But outside of Blue 32, the 6-foot-11, 270-pound Brown came along, grabbed the cake and threw it at Martinez, according to the report. Brown got into a white limousine and left, Martinez claimed in the report, although he didn't suggest any reason for the cake toss.

Police presented the case to the City Attorney's office, but they decided not to pursue charges, possibly because this is the least violent crime committed by an NBA player in recent memory.

(via Fark)

Oh, come on

For God's sake, don't they have editors at the Associated Press? It's "who's," as in "who is." It's just that simple.

Update: For those of you who are scratching your heads and wondering what the hell I'm talking about, when the story was posted yesterday, the headline read, in part, "Whose Your Daddy?" They've since changed it.

We are the world

In spite of all of the differences we may have with other cultures, it's comforting to know that there's at least one thing that we all seem to have in common. (Trust me, I checked out the websites for several countries, and that seems to be the one constant across the globe.)

Okay, so it's actually a little disturbing that we have that in common.

The return of the neo-con

After a lenghty hiatus, Jeff Goldstein is back blogging at protein wisdom, one of my favorites. And it's as if he hasn't missed a beat.

Bush lied, burgers were fried

So, I was perusing this article, which details how some Texas state legislator is trying to get her hometown designated the birthplace of the hamburger. Meanwhile, some guy in New Haven, Connecticut has his panties in a bunch because he claims his grandfather invented the burger at the family's restaurant.

And then, at the end of the article, New Haven Mayor John DeStefano Jr. pipes up with some rather unusual comments:

"It's a well-known and established fact that New Haven is the home of the hamburger. In fact, New Haven's claim to the hamburger is even supported and documented in the Library of Congress," DeStefano said.

DeStefano notes that New Haven has been a cradle of creativity, as the birthplace of the cotton gin, the first rubber tires, the corkscrew, the Frisbee, lollipops, Erector Sets and pizza.

"We are even the birthplace of George Bush, who wants people to think he's from Texas. So yes, the hamburger is as much a New Haven original as President Bush," DeStefano said. "Get over it, Texas."

Huh. I wonder which political party he belongs to.

Well, no, I don't really.

The gap between attitude and experience

When I read the first paragraph of this article, I thought, "Wow, them kids in China are gettin' some." Check it out:

More than half of China's high school students find nothing wrong with one-night stands and an overwhelming majority of girls would not reject a boyfriend's demands for sex, a poll suggests.

Okay, sounds like Chinese girls aren't exactly prudish, and Chinese boys are very, very lucky. But then I saw the second paragraph:

Some 6.2 percent of the survey's 2,300 high school students in Xuanwu, a downtown district in the Chinese capital of Beijing, had already had a sexual experience and the average age of students losing their virginity was 15, the China Daily said on Thursday. [emphasis mine]

The results surprised educators, the newspaper said.

"The new generation is open-minded about sex," Zhang Meimei, a professor at Capital Normal University who was involved in the survey conducted last year, was quoted as saying. [emphasis mine]

Well, they may be open-minded about sex, and it sounds like a lot of them would like to give it a try, but it doesn't sound like a whole lot of them are actually, you know, doing it.

Hide and seek

It's usually a good idea to pay attention to where you're going. In this case, it would have been a very good idea:

Brian Valentino sure picked the wrong hiding place to elude police. The 33-year-old burglary suspect was being transported yesterday to the Onondaga County jail in Syracuse when he kicked out a back window of the police car and dove headfirst through the opening.

Still handcuffed, Valentino ran a short distance and ducked into a building, where he ran down a hallway and hid behind a door.

We all know where this is going...

There was one problem. His hiding spot was inside the headquarters of the county sheriff's office. Apparently, Valentino didn't notice the big yellow star on the entrance.

Of course, they caught the dumbass, who is now facing additional charges for the escape attempt.

God, I love stupid criminals. The jokes just write themselves. Hell, I didn't even need to write any jokes in this post.

What are the odds?

If I worked at this bank, I think I'd call in sick tomorrow:

Lt. Steve Rose of the Sandy Springs [Georgia] Police Department summed it up well, "It's weird." He was talking about two robberies at the Wachovia Bank in Sandy Springs that happened two days in a row. "That's the first time I've seen anything like that within 24 hours of each other," Rose said.

On Wednesday around 9:34 a.m. a man walked into the bank and presented a note to a teller that read "give me the money or I will shoot," Rose said. The man escabed in a silver Honda Civic or Saab with an undisclosed amount of money.

Earlier, around 2:30 p.m. on Tuesday, a different man entered the bank showing an automatic gun and presented a note demanding money, Rose said. He also left with an undisclosed amount of money.

Seriously, is this bank branch located between a prison and a freeway onramp or something? Because if this keeps up, they're going to have to put up one of those signs like they have at 7-11 that says they don't carry more than twenty bucks at any given time.

Welcome, ass painting enthusiasts!

There's been a spike in my normally lethargic traffic today, with most of the hits coming from people searching for information on ass painting former teacher Stephen Murmer, mentioned in these posts.

Well, I'm happy to see you all. Please, feel free to look around and leave some comments.

Use of ass gets man the axe

Remember the teacher who got suspended because the district he worked for found out that he was making paintings with his ass? Well, it looks like his ass (not to mention the rest of him) got fired:

A high school art teacher who sparked controversy when his off-hours work as a so-called "butt-printing artist" became known has been fired.

The Chesterfield County School Board, in a unanimous voice vote, decided to terminate Stephen Murmer at a meeting Tuesday night, spokeswoman Debra Marlow said.

[...]

In its decision, the board reasoned that students have a right to receive their education in a positive learning environment free from distractions and disruptions, Marlow said. The decision also is in keeping with court rulings that hold that teachers are expected to lead by example, be role models and honor core values, she said.

The school system operates under an ideal that holds respect, responsibility, honesty and accountability as core values for all students and employees to abide, and the board clearly felt that Murmer had gone outside those parameters with his art.

I feel bad for the guy, since this was obviously something he did outside of school, but if the board felt that this activity violated their standards for conduct, they had a right to hold him accountable.

Meanwhile, this case provides a valuable object lesson in this day and age:

Murmer, a teacher at Monacan High School, was suspended in December after objections were raised about his private abstract artwork, much of which includes smearing his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas.

His paintings sell for as much as $900 each on his Web site.

The unique approach to art became a topic when a clip showing Murmer, wearing a fake nose and glasses, a towel on his head and black thong, turned up on YouTube.com.

That video inevitably made its way to the high school.

Of course it did.

So remember, the next time you get drunk and decide to show your ass at a party, or take off your top during spring break, or videotape yourself having sex with a celebrity, all of your friends, neighbors, and loved ones will eventually see it on the internets.

(But if you're a good-looking young lady, please, don't let that stop you.)

Why?

Of all the things you could possibly steal from a bar, why on earth would you steal this?

A British man caught on camera stealing a urinal from a pub gave himself up to police after media reports of his antics attracted global attention, detectives said Tuesday.

The 42-year-old man carefully removed the toilet from the bathrooms of the Royal Oak Pub in Southampton, on the English south coast, stuffed it into a rucksack and walked out.

I'd throw away that rucksack if I were him.

The man handed himself and the urinal over to police, saying he had taken it as a "souvenir."

Most people who swipe something from a bar take something like a glass or an ashtray. Toilets? Not so much.

Besides, a lot of people (like me) find public restrooms to be kind of nasty. Why would you want to take one of the nastier parts of one home with you?

French...uh...cuisine

The French eat some pretty strange stuff, but this is just ridiculous:

A French prisoner who killed his cellmate "very probably" ate some of the victim's body parts, a prosecutor in the northern town of Rouen said on Friday.

The victim's body was discovered in a prison cell on Wednesday, with a large wound to the chest. The alleged killer, who shared the cell, told investigators he had removed and eaten his victim's heart.

Investigators initially discounted the possibility of cannibalism after the victim's heart was "found intact in its usual place and in its membrane which was also intact," Rouen state prosecutor Joseph Schmit said in a statement.

However an autopsy revealed that pieces of muscle from the victim's rib area and part of his lung were missing.

"The absence of these anatomic elements, which have not been found on the scene of the crime, render the confessions of cannibalism by the presumed perpetrator of the crime very probable," Schmit said.

There is no word in the article on whether or not fava beans and a nice chianti were involved.

(Sorry, but I just couldn't help myself.)

Neither snow, nor sleet, nor weed...

This story is somewhat confusing:

An Amarillo woman who mailed 78 pounds of marijuana to herself was sentenced to 2 1/2 years in federal prison Monday.

Tiffany Joy Kelly, 28, pleaded guilty in October to one count of illegal use of a communication facility, the U.S. Attorney's Office in Dallas said in a news release. She has been in custody since her arrest in July, after a postal inspector in El Paso became suspicious of two Express Mail parcels.

[...]

Prosecutors said she admitted buying the marijuana and mailing it to herself so she could distribute it.

Why didn't she just hold on to the weed? I can't figure out why she felt the need to mail it to herself. Maybe she was high at the time.

It should say: "By all means, please get in the washer"

You all know how much I love to mock stupid people, right? Well, they have a contest up in Michigan that shows just how mockable people have become.

Don't clean your kids in the washing machine. Don't dry your cell phone in the microwave. And be sure not to read the phone book while driving. Those are among the winning entries in this year's Wacky Warning Label Contest, run by an anti-lawsuit group.

Backers of the right to sue have a warning of their own _ don't be so quick to poke fun at labels, which help save lives. They say the contest is part of an effort to pass laws that shield businesses from liability for those they hurt.

Look, if you're doing any of the things mentioned in the first paragraph, you're lucky if you can remember to breathe. To my mind, it's not the businesses that are hurting these idiots; they're hurting themselves.

The Wacky Warning contest winners were chosen from about 150 nominations received by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, said the group's president, Robert B. Dorigo Jones. The group picked five finalists, and callers to WOMC-FM's Dick Purtan show chose the winners.

The top vote-getter was a warning tag from a front-load washing machine.

"DO NOT put any person in this washer," it read.

If you're getting into a washing machine, or putting your drooling moron children into it, by all means, turn it on and help us all to thin the herd.

Besides, if people are dumb enough to do things like this, what are the odds they can read the warning labels, anyway?

Meet your future overlords

We're all doomed! Doomed, I tells ya! Why do I say this? Because the robots have begun procreating:

With South Korea's birth rate at its lowest ever, medical students are resorting to robots to practice bringing babies into the world.

Kyunghee University Medical Center in Seoul is the first institution in South Korea to use Noelle, a life-sized robot, and her "newborn" to give obstetric students experience.

"With this simulator training tool, we can conduct not only normal deliveries, but also complicated deliveries such as breech births, Caesarean deliveries," Professor Jung Eui told Reuters Television. "Students can practice in a very realistic situation with this mannequin."

Students regularly crowd around Noelle as she gives "birth." They take turns at monitoring her vital signs and at pulling the "baby" out of her body.

The newborn, also a robot, is equipped with lights on its hands and cheeks to indicate its health -- blue lights mean problems while pink lights signal all is ok.

[...]

Noelle was purchased for $20,000 from Miami-based Gaumard Scientific Co. Inc. in the United States. She was manufactured in 2000 and over 400 units have been sold in the United States.

If science fiction movies and declining educational standards have taught us anything, it's that by the time all those robot babies grow up, we'll be their flesh slaves. Those of us who survive the coming war between the cyborgs and the genetically-enhanced superhumans, anyway.

Breaking and entering...and sticking around

I've never broken into someone else's house before, but I'm pretty sure that if you do, you're supposed to grab what you want fairly quickly and then leave:

A burglar who smashed a glass door to break into a house couldn't quite find his way back out after treating himself to some beans and booze, then passing out.

Esteban Avila Jr., 45, allegedly entered the vacant home by smashing a sliding-glass door at the rear of the house just after noon Tuesday, said Santa Clara County Sheriff's Deputy Serg Palanov.

Avila apparently hung around the house for about two hours. During that time he helped himself to a can of beans and had a drink from the bar, Palanov said.

He then stretched out on the living room floor and had himself a nap, which is where the homeowner found him. The police suspect he's homeless, which makes sense if you think about it. I mean, of all the things he could have chosen to eat, he goes for a can of beans. Classic hobo move. There's no word about whether or not the authorities found a bindle.

Vicodog

Pets are wonderful for so many reasons. They keep you company. They entertain you with their amusing antics. Some studies show that people who have pets even live longer. Sometimes, as in this case people find some really creative uses for their pets:

A Burlington woman has been charged with trying to get painkillers from a drug store by using her dog's name. Kymberly Smith, 38, faces more than two dozen charges related to her alleged repeated attempts to fraudulently obtain painkillers at a Farmington pharmacy under her dog's name.

Police said Smith is charged with using her dog Zack's name to get Hydrocodone, which is marketed under several names including Vicodin.

Simsbury police said Smith was also arrested in June after she was allegedly caught calling in a fraudulent prescription for the same drug.

You should probably stick to taking your dog for a walk or playing fetch. Using your dog to score drugs just seems kind of unseemly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go...uh...take Riley for a walk. Yeah, a walk.

"Are you kidding me, Sean? I am not going back to prison."

Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, etc.

It must be a slow news day over in Old Blighty, since they're basically reporting the extremely obvious:

Attempts to wean Britons away from binge drinking toward a more continental European "cafe style" culture may never work because too many like getting drunk, a cabinet minister said Sunday.

"I don't know whether we'll ever get to be in a European drinking culture, where you go out and have a single glass of wine," Labor Party chair Hazel Blears said.

"Maybe its our Anglo-Saxon mentality. We actually enjoy getting drunk," she told the Sunday Times newspaper in an interview.

People in the British Isles like getting drunk? Get out of here! Next, you'll be telling me that the French aren't noted for their military prowess.

Britain introduced extended drinking hours last November in a bid to tackle the country's binge drinking problem where people consumed large amounts of alcohol in a short space of time.

You can see where this is going...

Proponents of the changes to the licensing laws had argued it would usher in more civilized drinking habits like those of France or Spain.

But as pubs and clubs prepare for the second New Year's Eve under the new laws, there has been little sign that people are drinking more responsibly.

Uh-huh. People get more time to drink, and it just leads them to drink more. Who could've possibly forseen that outcome? Oh, right. Everybody.

Look, I'm all for the government butting out and letting people do what they want, but it's just kind of stupid to pretend to be shocked by people's very predictable behavior.

Comments back up

I managed to re-install Haloscan comments and trackbacks this evening, so if you left a comment within the last month or so, it's not going to appear here anymore. Older comments from my previous install of Haloscan are back up, though. Please keep the comments coming. Hopefully, this will be the last time I have to tweak things around here.

Oh, great

One of my few pleasures in life is watching the misfortunes of the stupid. The teevee show Cops gives me an opportunity to do just that. So I sit down to watch it on Court TV, and an episode of Murder She Wrote comes on instead. What's up with that, I say to myself, though in a somewhat more colorful fashion.

Well, it turns out that Time Warner and my satellite provider, Dish Network are feuding, and Dish Network's parent company has yanked Court TV from its channel lineup, replacing it with the Biography Channel. Yawn.

Yet more proof that God hates me and wants me to suffer.

Happy New Year

Went to a party last night out in Palm Springs, and I just got back. I'm tired.