Thursday, November 30, 2006

The not-so-friendly skies

If you thought flying on commercial airlines was bad here in the US, take a gander at what they're doing in China:
A Chinese airline has calculated that it takes a liter of fuel to flush the toilet at 30,000 feet and is urging passengers to go to the bathroom before they board.

As Chinese airlines come under increasing pressure to cut fuel expenditures, China Southern's latest strategy is to encourage passengers "to spend their pennies before boarding the aircraft," Xinhua news agency reported Thursday.
I'm a little bit confused about that "spend their pennies" line. Is that because Chinese airports tend to have pay toilets, or is that a Chinese euphamism for going to the bathroom? Either way, it sounds like the concept of customer service is somewhat alien to the Chinese.
"The energy used in one flush is enough for an economical car to run at least 10 kilometers," Captain Liu Zhiyuan, who flies regularly between Hangzhou and Beijing, was quoted as saying.

Citing a survey by the company's logistics department, Liu said carrying one kilogram of items such as blankets and pillows by air for one hour uses 0.2 kg of fuel.

"This means the blankets and pillows on board the aircraft eat up 60 tonnes of fuel every day. If each seat is loaded with three 450-gram magazines, another 60 tonnes will be consumed," Liu explained.
You know what would cut down on weight? Getting rid of all those passengers. Just think of all the fuel they could save if they flew around in empty planes.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Muscular nerds raise suspicion

I don't know if roid rage is currently a problem in the world of chess, but it looks like won't be in the future.
Chess's world governing body will introduce dope testing at the Asian Games this week, although the sport's top official in Doha said he had no idea how drugs could enhance chess performance.

"I would not know which drug could possibly help a chess player to improve his game," competition manager Yousuf Ahmad Ali said.

"But, yes, there will be official monitors who may demand that players undergo a drugs test after the rounds."
Normally, I'd make some kind of joke here, but I've got to admit that this one has me stumped. Perhaps we should turn back to the article:
Drug testing is the latest move by the World Chess Federation (FIDE) to raise international standards in the hope of making chess an Olympic sport in the future.
Ah, there we go. Chess in the Olympics. Can Yahtzee, the amazing game of chance be far behind?

Anyway, the big winner here is the sport of speed walking, which, if chess makes it into the Olympics, will automatically drop off the top of the lamest sport list. Well, that's if chess is considered a summer sport. If it goes into the winter games, well, move over, curling!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I'm sure Jimmy Carter was devastated

One of his good buddies isn't feeling well enough to attend his own birthday party:
The ailing Fidel Castro was not well enough to attend the kickoff Tuesday of his 80th birthday celebrations, attended by hundreds of admirers who traveled here to fete him.

A government worker at the gala launch of the five-day birthday bash read a message which he said came from the Cuban leader. It said Castro's doctors had told him he was not in condition to go to the party at Havana's Karl Marx Theater where about 5,000 well-wishers gathered.

"I direct myself to you, intellectuals and prestigious personalities of the world, with a dilemma," said the note.

"I could not meet with you in a small locale, only in the Karl Marx Theater where all the visitors would fit and I was not yet in condition, according to the doctors, to face such a colossal encounter," it added. The reading of the message was broadcast live on state television.

The crowd, which included hundreds of guests from other countries and thousands of Cubans, responded with a standing ovation.
I wonder if they were applauding his statement, or the fact that they wouldn't be subjected to one of his long-winded speeches. Probably the former, judging by the guest list full of thugs and useful idiots in attendance:
More than 1,300 politicians, artists and intellectuals from around the globe were expected to pay homage to the man who governed the communist-run island for 47 years.

Presidents Evo Morales of Bolivia and Rene Preval of Haiti have confirmed they will attend the celebrations along with former Ecuadorean President Rodrigo Borja and Nicaraguan President-elect Daniel Ortega.

Also expected are Colombian Nobel laureate Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Nobel Peace Prize winner Adolfo Perez Esquivel, an Argentine human rights activist.
I'm pretty sure none of those people braved shark-infested waters in rickety, jerry-rigged boats to get there. Funny, that.

Oh, and get this:
Noticeably absent will be Castro's good friend and political ally Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who is up for re-election Dec. 3. In his absence, Chavez promised to dedicate his electoral victory to Castro.
Well, someone sounds awfully sure that he's going to win that election. I wonder why that would be. I'm sure it's just that he has good polling data.

Is that a guitar in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

No, it turns out it was actually a guitar in the guy's pants.
The guitar-shaped bulge in Morgan Conatser's clothing tipped off a music store owner that there might be a crime in progress. Clifton Lovell, owner of Guitars and Cadillacs on U.S. Highway 71 in De Queen [Arkansas], was talking with a customer last week when he saw Conatser, 29, walking out of the store.

"I saw him walking out to his pickup truck and the bulges in his leather jacket. I said, 'Hey what have you got there,'" Clifton Lovell said.

He said Conatser, 29, replied, "Nothing."

Lovell pointed toward the unnatural shapes in Conatser's jacket and pants and said, "You've got something."

Conatser then removed a solid body electric guitar from his pants leg and from underneath his jacket.
I'd like to know how he managed to shove the guitar down his pants without anybody noticing. That can't be easy. And although the guy sounds like kind of a dumbass, perhaps the guitar theft was a brilliant ploy—misdirection:
With the guitar back in the store, Lovell didn't intend to call the sheriff's office. But then he discovered a wireless sound system was missing. Lovell called the Sevier County Sheriff's Department and gave a description of Conatser and his pickup.

Deputy Jeff Wahls called Conatser's father, who told Wahls how to find the house.

The deputy found Conatser at home, where Conatser went to his bedroom closet and retrieved the sound system, Wahls said.

"He made a statement saying he needed the property because he needed to make ends meet," Wahls said.
The article doesn't say whether or not Conaster snuck the sound system out of the store in his pants, but if he did, those pants have got to be nice and roomy. Maybe the authorities should have checked inside them, just to be sure he didn't have any drums or saxophones in there.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Father of the year material

Hey, dumbass, did it ever occur to you to, you know, call a doctor? No, I guess not.
A Canadian man who could not figure out how to deal with his girlfriend's feverish 10-month-old daughter put the baby into a freezer to cool her down, a local newspaper reported on Friday.

Derrick Hardy faces charges of criminal negligence and assaulting the infant, who was rescued when her mother came home, the Charlottetown Guardian said.

The Canadian Broadcasting Corp. said the mother found the girl crammed into the freezer alongside ice cubes and hamburger meat. Hardy said he had left the door ajar but the mother said it had been closed when she returned.

He told a court in the eastern province of Prince Edward Island on Thursday the child had only been in the freezer for about 40 seconds.
I don't care if she was in the freezer for ten seconds. You just don't put a human being in a freezer at all. Well, unless that human being is dead, and you're a coroner. I guess you could make an exception there. But the live baby, not so much.
Hardy, 21, who admitted to police that he had no real parenting skills to deal with a sick child, said he had noticed the girl was very hot and put a cool cloth on her face, but this had no effect. [emphasis mine]
I don't think he has the parenting skills to deal with a healthy goldfish, much less a sick child.

Update: Great minds think alike, apparently.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Unusual hoedown

I've complained a couple of times before about the kids across the street screaming into their karaoke machine, but I haven't mentioned the neighbors next door, who also have a karaoke machine. Well, today, they seemed to be having some kind of karaoke hoedown. Which sounds a little strange, I guess. Stranger was in Chinese.

Oh well. At least they can actually carry a tune.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Singapore swing

Remember a few weeks ago, when I wrote the post about wife-swapping in China? Well, it seems that the whole continent of Asia is mired in the sexual seventies, if this article about swinging in Singapore is any indication:
Every two months, dozens of couples meet in a pub in Singapore, have drinks, mingle, and then decide whether they want to sleep with one another.
They then climb into their thirty-foot-long Cadillacs, which they drive home before frantically tearing off each other's double knit polyester outfits, platform shoes, and gold medallions before having sex on the shag carpeting. Okay, so I made that last part up.
In Sydney or Seattle nobody would bat an eyelid, but the couples are part of a thriving underground swinging scene that is an anomaly for a country where oral sex is illegal and Playboy magazine is banned.

There are at least 10 swingers clubs in Singapore, most of them private, some of them online. With more than 6,000 members, the Web-based United SG Swingers is one of the biggest.
"Most" of them are private? Does that mean that some of them are run by the government, or just that anybody can walk in off the street and trade in their missus?
For all their enthusiasm, few swingers tell family and friends about their lifestyle, although the practice is not illegal in Singapore.
Is that really very surprising? I mean, I don't tend to discuss my sexual proclivities with my family and friends, either. Besides, I don't think they'd really want to hear it.

Anyway, read the whole thing, especially if you're a pervert who wants details about the Singapore swinging scene. My favorite part is the way the article ends:
A 34-year-old Australian who attends swinging parties told Reuters that Singapore's scene is just evolving.

"It's very innocuous here, it's not like other countries," he said. "Compared to Australia and Europe, it's more discreet and less lively. Singaporeans are pretty reserved in a lot of ways."
Right. Because nothing says "prudish" like having sex with somebody else's spouse.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

There's a lot to be thankful for today. Nancy Pelosi hasn't even taken over as Speaker of the House, but she's already fixed global warming. Thanks, Nancy! And it kinda seems wrong to be thankful for the misery of others, but when a bunch of scum and criminals are having a bad year, well, that's a good thing. And by "scum and criminals," I mean the fans, too.

Seriously, though, my mom's back is healing, slowly but surely. She's getting a little better and a little more mobile every day, and I'm truly thankful for that. On a related note, since she's not 100%, she's not cooking dinner tonight, so we decided to order a catered turkey dinner from one of our local supermarkets. And I'm really thankful that my brother noticed the small print in their ad yesterday that says you have to allow two to three hours for heating of the whole thing. Thanks to his good eye, we won't have to wait until 9:30 tonight to eat.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Know your rights

I work for a small newspaper company as a reporter, and there's a large-ish suburban city nearby that's part of my beat. As a part of my job, I go to their City Council meetings, and that's where I was last night.

Now, last night's meeting was a little different because they were reorganizing the council, which is to say that they chose who would be the new Mayor and Mayor Pro-Tem, largely ceremonial positions.

The problem is that politics have gotten kind of nasty there over the last few years, so even choosing who gets a ceremonial role on the council has become a big freakin' to do.

One of the council members is under investigation by the Los Angeles County District Attorney's office because he allegedly got a sweetheart deal on an SUV from a dealership owner and developer who had business with the City. The investigation has been dragging on forever, and the DA hasn't filed charges against the guy so far, but the head of the division that investigates corruption insists that it's an ongoing investigation.

As a result of all of this, the council member has been passed over for Mayor Pro-Tem, and last night it looked like he would be passed over for Mayor as well.

Well, this didn't sit to well with his supporters, many of whom came out last night to give the council a piece of their mind. For two hours. They said that the situation smacked of discrimination. One of them brought up "social justice." Etc.

But here's the kicker. A bunch of these people kept getting up at the mic and talking about how, in this country, we have the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty. Over and over and over again, innocent until proven guilty. It made me want to scream.

You are presumed innocent until you're proven a criminal trial. This constitutional right does not extend to a procedural vote at a City Council meeting.

I'm sure the same sort of thing happens all over the country on a regular basis, since people seem to be staggeringly ignorant about their constitutional rights. Country music radio stations stop playing the Dixie Chicks? Why, that's censorship! This guy doesn't get to be Mayor? You've presumed him guilty before he's even been charged with anything! It's un-American!

Oh, and by the way, injustice prevailed and the guy got passed over again. Democracy is dead, if you're judging things by the size of the mob that came out to demand that they elect him to lead the city.

I weep for our Republic.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Comedian's wife knows better than you

Laurie David, wife of Curb Your Enthusiasm's Larry David, Manbearpig's movie co-producer, and all-around global warming nag, is going out on tour with Sheryl Crow to talk down to the rubes about her pet issue.
While admitting to being nervous about Oscar season, David is moving on to her next headline event to "kick up the dirt" in mid-America and the nation's capital with one of the biggest names in music.

"Sheryl Crow and I are going to go out on her biodiesel tour bus, starting in Texas, and invite friends to join us on various stops," said David, speaking in the garden outside her Los Angeles-area home office overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

"We really want to go to places where people are not talking about these issues as much as they should be." [emphasis mine]
And nobody knows better than the wife of a teevee comedian just how much people ought to be talking about an issue that she happens to be interested in. How incredibly condescending.
During 10 days in April, the two women will drive to Washington, D.C., for Earth Day, where she hopes some of her 525,000 virtual marchers -- people who have signed on to her Web site ( -- will join them in person.
"Virtual marchers." That's pretty lame. Although, on the other hand, I guess my internet surfing habits make me a virtual porn star, which is kinda cool.
"The rest of the world is so much more engaged on this issue than the United States," she said. "We're the biggest cause of global warming pollution now and we are doing the least about it and that is not acceptable."
Translation: "All the cool countries (i.e. Europe) are doing it, so we should, too." And while we're at it, let's have some of that double digit unemployment and low, low productivity, while we're at it.
But looking toward the next elections, she said she would do anything to get Gore to make another run at the presidency after he was edged out by Bush in 2000.

"He's not planning on it for the moment but it would be one of my dreams to see him run for president again," David said.
Mine, too, Laurie. But I suspect my reasons are a little different from yours.
Even with the shift in political power, David said her goal is unchanged: "To permeate popular culture in every way I can to get people to wake up to what is going on."

She believes Hollywood is doing an admirable job on fighting global warming, from studios like Warner Bros going green to celebrities like Leonardo di Caprio embracing the hybrid cars her family has been driving for years.

And what is Larry David's role in his wife's crusade? Well, he drives a hybrid on his HBO show, funds some of her activities and, perhaps most importantly, keeps her laughing.
Quick, somebody get these people a brace of medals! After all, they're our betters. And don't you forget it, you unwashed troglodytes.

Read the whole thing, especially if you want to know how her family reacted to her insistence on buying (probably quite literally) scratchy-ass recycled toilet paper. Just imagine how the rest of America is going to react.

Monday, November 20, 2006

I hate Illinois Gingerbread Nazis

Artists, we are often told, are sensitive, intelligent people. Well, that may be true for some artists, but not this dumbass.
An artist's creation of gingerbread Nazis drew complaints after it was displayed in a hardware store window, prompting the store owner to demand the artwork be removed. Charlie Palmer covered the gingerbread men during the weekend and said he wanted them out by of his business by Tuesday.

"He's gone way overboard this time," Palmer said of artist Keith McGuckin. "A few of his other displays were on the edge, but never that crazy."

McGuckin said he chose the subject to provoke thought, not to offend.

"I can differentiate between real Nazis and that the atrocities they performed compared to these little gingerbread men, but I guess some people can't," said McGuckin, 50.
That's not the issue here, moron. The problem is that you can't differentiate between good and bad taste. I mean, did this genius ever stop to think that some people might think that a cute little gingerbread Hitler (and Hitler is included—I saw this thing on the teevee, and there's a little gingerbread Hitler up on a podium, rallying his little gingerbread brownshirts) kind of trivializes the real Hitler?

And by the way, I'm sick of this "I just wanted to provoke thought, not offend anybody" argument. Any time some tard does something guaranteed to offend someone, they trot that line out. It's getting old.
McGuckin is searching for new display space in the town, home of Oberlin College and known for its left-leaning, beads-and-incense image.
Well, in a town like that, there's probably some Jew-hating, pro-terrorist group that would love to accomodate him. Maybe the local branch of this, uh, distinguished organization.

Friday, November 17, 2006

What the hell is going on at Anderson County High?

See what jumps out at you from the first paragraph of this story about a fairly pointless lawsuit filed by a girl named Ambra Phillips who was temporarily taken out of a high school weightlifting class, was quickly reinstated, and has since gone on to college:
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Nov 17, 2006 (AP)— An Anderson County teenager has filed a lawsuit over her temporary dismissal from a weightlifting class by a principal who feared male students might try to rape her.
Just what the hell kind of high school is this, anyway?
[Then-principal Bob] McCracken said in a deposition that he was afraid Phillips might be sexually assaulted in the class.

"Having a female with 35 or so male students in an isolated area from the school, it sets a very liable situation in my opinion," McCracken said in the deposition.

Three days after kicking Phillips out of the class, McCracken changed his mind and reinstated her.

U.S. Magistrate Judge Clifford Shirley asked [school attorney Arthur F.] Knight if the principal was wrong in removing Phillips from the class.

"She is up there with a bunch of football players, a 24- to 25-year-old coach, the only girl there is a safety issue there. It was a hard call for the principal to make," Knight answered.
Okay, first of all, if you don't trust your 25-year-old weightlifting coach to prevent a bunch of football players from raping a female student, it's time to find a new coach. And it's probably time to have a serious talk with the football team, too.

Phillips' attorney claims that this was "a pattern of mishandled sex issues at the high school," during McCracken's tenure. Was the football team running wild, raping people willy-nilly? Were the male teachers a bunch of perverts? Do these things explain why McCracken is no longer in charge? And just what did this noted Knoxville resident know, and when did he know it?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Worst. Club. Ever.

Some people have too much time on their hands, so they go to things like Star Trek conventions. Then, there are these people:
Maybe it's the 'vrrp, vrrp' sound it makes when you walk, or the feel of the vertically ribbed fabric that reached a popularity peak in the 1970s -- whatever it is, corduroy has spawned an appreciation club.

More than 800 people around the world have signed up to be part of the New York-based 'Corduroy Appreciation Club,' which meets every November 11 -- the date, when written as 11/11, that most resembles the fabric they love.
The rest of us call that Veterans Day, but hey, whatever.
'It's a requirement to wear two pieces of corduroy to the meeting,' said Miles Rohan, president and founder of the club. 'Fairly often people tell me they're wearing corduroy underwear, but I haven't checked.'
That's probably a pretty solid decision there, Miles. Somehow, I just don't think the corduroy club attracts the beautiful people.

I'd tell you to read the rest, but,'s about a club that's based on the love of corduroy. Yeah.

Chimps with typewriters

They didn't produce a Shakespearean play. No, instead they appear to have produced what might just be the most poorly-written news article I've ever seen.

And if it wasn't written by chimps, well, the Associated Press has no excuse. Pathetic.

Update: Just in case the AP can find an editor to fix this hash, I'll excerpt the fourth and fifth paragraphs, where the train wreck really begins in earnest. Mind you, this is how they appear, verbatim:
He said the jinx would sent spirits to posses Secret Service personnel guarding Bush and left them in a trance, leading them into falsely thinking the President was under attack, thus eventually causing chaos in Bogor Presidential Palace, where the American leader was scheduled to meet President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono on Monday.

Indonesia the world's most populous Muslim country, however many still practicing animist rituals, including black magic, that predate Islam's arrival in the archipelago.
Ugh. That was ostensibly written by a journalist who works for a professional news wire with seasoned editors who, I guess, were either all asleep when this was posted, don't speak a word of English, or are functionally illiterate.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

What's the worst that could happen?

When you set out to do a kidnapping, you expect to terrorize someone, have a few laughs, and collect that sweet, sweet ransom. But you certainly don't expect this to happen:
A botched kidnapping ended with one of the assailants shooting himself in the groin, Wichita police said. The man had just stuck the gun back into his waistband when it fired, shooting him in the left testicle.

He cringed, causing the gun to fire again and strike him in the left calf.
For the next kidnapping, might I suggest a weapon with a "heavier" trigger?

Firearms issues aside, he was probably thankful for having shot himself the second time. No, really. It probably provided a distraction from the horrifying pain that comes from shooting yourself in the balls.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Sugar daddies, attractive gold diggers wanted

If this isn't a recipe for true love, well, I don't know what is:
A matchmaking love boat cruise open only to male millionaires and "good-looking and desirable" women is slated to set sail later this month, a state-run Chinese newspaper said Tuesday.

Men on the cruise scheduled to go along Shanghai's Huangpu River must be worth at least 2 million yuan ($250,000), the China Daily quoted organizer Xu Tianli as saying.

Xu said more than 20 men had signed up for the Nov. 25 cruise and that half of those registered to take part were worth more than 200 million yuan ($25 million).
Yep, like I said, true love. Meanwhile, Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey, you might want to call your travel agent. Or maybe not:
Fewer than 30 of the 1,000 woman who applied were accepted, Xu said.

"Only those who were attractive in every category can take part in this event," Xu said, without giving the specific criteria interested female applicants had to meet.


One of the men who signed up for the cruise, identified only by his surname Sun, said "appearance is most important to me."
And I'm sure those good-looking women will love you just because you're a great person, and not because of your money.

Is it just me, or does this sound like it could possibly be the most depressing, soul-deadening cruise ever? On the bright side, I guess they all know what they're getting into.

What media bias?

Did you know that the Messiah hails from Nevada? I found photographic evidence here.

Actually, I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Update: Aw, what the hell. Just in case the link gets broken or they take the picture down, see for yourself:

Be careful, lest you be blinded by his radiance.

Monday, November 13, 2006

What would you do for pie?

I like pie, and I like nudity, so if you added the two together, you'd think it would be a great combination. But when you add in a third ingredient, incarceration, well, that throws the whole thing off kilter.
Two Lenawee County [Michigan] Jail officers have been fired after authorities say they urged an inmate to strip and run naked around his cellblock in exchange for a piece of cherry pie. "We took decisive action," Sheriff Larry Richardson told The Daily Telegram.

Richardson said firing of the officers _ two of the jail's best employees _ was recommended by the county's labor attorney. Richardson said he learned of the incident in a letter from another inmate.


Richardson said the officers considered it a prank. An investigation found that the male inmate who was urged to strip saw the two officers eating in August in the jail's glass-enclosed control tower and asked for some food.

The conversation turned to joking about what the inmate would do for cherry pie, the investigation found, and the inmate said he was willing to streak. Richardson said the inmate was allowed out of his cell and streaked.
Well, I hope that was some really, really, really good pie. Partly because two men who were good employees lost their jobs over the incident, but also because it just doesn't really seem like a good idea to get nude in jail. Not if you don't absolutely have to.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Happy Veterans Day

To anyone who's ever served our country, thank you. You can read a history of the holiday here. And Hot Air has some good video stuff here and here.

Junk Science

Click here to read a long and detailed indictment of the UN's global warming reports hysteria. It's long and a bit heavy on scientific jargon, but it's a damning read. The conclusion:
Why haven't air or sea temperatures turned out as the UN's models predicted? Because the science is bad, the "consensus" is wrong, and Herr Professor Ludwig Boltzmann, FRS, was as right about energy-to-temperature as he was about atoms.
Read the whole thing to find out just how badly the "science" is cooked (hint: accountants go to prison for tinkering with the data the way these people have) and who Boltzmann was. You'll want to print out lots of copies to wave in the faces of environmentalist handwringers. I'd personally like to shove a copy up Manbearpig's ass.

Via Ace of Spades Co-blogger Laura W.

A joke for nerds

A robot walks into a bar and tries to order a drink.

"We don't serve robots," sez the bartender.

The robot gets up to leave, then turns to the bartender, saying, "Someday you will."

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Fun with maps

A few of my five or six regular readers aren't from California like I am, so they may not be aware that Proposition 83, also known nationwide as "Jessica's Law," named for nine-year-old Florida kidnapping and murder victim Jessica Lunford, passed overwhelmingly on Tuesday night. If you're too busy or lazy to click on the above link, the law requires that sex offenders have to be monitored for life with GPS technology, bars them from living within 2000 feet from schools or parks, and increases penalties for violent sex offenders and child molestors. It passed with the support of more than 70 percent of California voters.

Why am I mentioning this? Well, because there was a single, solitary county here in California that voted against the law. Just one. Click here to find out which one. You may have to squint to see it, since the county happens to be the smallest in the state, comprised, if I'm not mistaken, of the city limits of only one city. But really, take a look.

And you'll never guess who represents the voters who turned down stiffer penalties for child molesters in congress. Well, maybe you can guess, since she's kinda been in the news lately.

Make of that what you will.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Selling Jesus

What's the solution to declining church attendance? Well, if you're the United Church of Canada, I guess it's a dumb, "provocative" ad campaign.
The United Church of Canada hopes an ad featuring a can of whipped cream and the question, "How much fun can sex be before it's a sin?" will fill its pews as Christmas nears.
Ah, yes, because nothing gets me in the Christmas spirit (or the churchgoing mood) like thinking about sex involving whipped cream.
The country's biggest Protestant denomination launched an advertising campaign on Tuesday meant to provoke debate on the "deep and persistent attitudes and images of organized religion."

"In order to get past those stereotypes, we thought we needed an ad campaign that was different, had a head-snap to it, that people would have a second look," Keith Howard, executive director of the campaign, said in an interview.
I'm sorry, but this is just incredibly fucking lame. Church is church (though this sounds like a pretty liberal denomination—they seem to be in favor of gay marriage) and all the "edgy" ads in the world aren't going to change that or get people in the pews.
The C$10.5 million ($9.3 million) campaign targets 30- to 45-year-olds and rotates six images though December issues of Canadian magazines and newspapers as well as Web sites.

One asks, "Does anyone object?" to an image of two plastic toy grooms on a wedding cake. Another features a child sitting on Jesus's knee in the traditional Santa's village of a shopping mall, and asks, "Would you still take your kids?"
What does that even mean? If your goal was to irritate and confuse me, then bingo! If your goal was to get me to go to your church, not so much.

Didn't some church here in the States try something like this a year or two ago? I doubt it got them any more parishoners, either. I'm not a religioous guy, but something tells me people don't want a church that's pretending to be something else, like a sociology course at a liberal arts college.

The bright side

Well, for me, at least. It looks for now like I won't be paying a gazillion bucks for a pack of smokes or a gallon of gas. Thank heavens for small mercies.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A special election day message for the kids

Well, folks, it's time once again to do your civic duty. But right now, I'd like to give an extra-special message to the kids. So, adults, go ahead and vote while I give this special pep-talk to the young folks. Thanks.

Okay, punks, listen up. I don't know what a bunch of aging idiot rock stars have told you on the MTV—voting isn't cool. It's done in elementary school auditoriums, libraries, and weird people's garages. When does anything cool ever happen in those places? And when was civic duty ever cool?

Look at it this way: I've voted in every election since I turned 18, and there aren't a whole lot of people clamoring to tell me how cool I am. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not really that cool. Is it because I vote? Who knows. But you don't want to take that chance, do you?

What I'm saying, kids, is that you should leave the voting up to the "squares" with jobs and bills to pay and such. If you stay at home smoking pot, eating Pringles, and playing video games, I'm sure the gears of the Republic won't grind to a halt. Take the day off. You. uh, deserve it. Yeah.

Unless you plan on voting Republican, which, I guess, is okay. Knock yourselves out.

To the rest of you non-youngsters, as they say in Chicago, vote early and vote often!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Next on the agenda: is disco hurting society?

Academics in China are holding a cultural expo, where they're discussing the important issues of the day. That is, if by "the day," you mean the seventies.
Chinese sociologists said that the country should promote bolder attitudes toward sex, but that wife-swapping was off the agenda, state media reported Monday.

Chinese attitudes toward sex have relaxed in recent decades, triggering a boom in extramarital relationships which the Communist Party has blamed on bourgeois mores imported from the West.

"Wife-swapping should not be promoted to the public as it will lead to the spread of HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases," the China Daily quoted Zhang Feng, a family planning official, as saying at the fourth Guangzhou Sex Culture Expo at the weekend.


Zhang's comments echoed the views of other speakers but contrasted the views of Li Yinhe, a sociologist who last year said that wife-swapping was a "normal kind of entertainment" and that "all couples should have the right to do it."
That's how it starts, with the wife-swapping, and it's all fun and games. But then it leads to things like fondue and white polyester suits. Don't make the same mistakes we did, China. You'll be sorry when you wake up one day with shag carpeting and avocado green kitchen appliances. Worse still, you might end up with this:


Sunday, November 05, 2006


That's what Saddam got. It's too bad we won't get to see him swing from the gallows. Maybe YouTube will help us out.

Update: Leo Terrell, who's usually a fairly sensible guy (for a liberal), was just on the radio here in L.A. questioning the timing of the verdict, claiming the trial was a "kangaroo court," and that this was all just meant to sway the voters here on Tuesday. Welcome to Crazy Town, Leo!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Do you need a warrant to search there?

I'd imagine cops never like confronting a suspect with a concealed weapon, but this situation is probably definitely worse than usual:
A naked man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after telling police he had a screwdriver in his buttocks.

The man was lying on a tree stump masturbating beside a nature path near the El Cerrito Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked if he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

``You can't get much more concealed than that,'' Horgan said.
Well, technically, I guess you could get more concealed than that, but I don't think any of us want to get into that discussion.
Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene, but Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.
I think pulling a six-inch metal tool out from between your butt cheeks counts as an incident in and of itself, but that's just me.
Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into the county jail in Martinez on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.
Something tells me he'll be going back to the hoosegow. Actually, it sounds like he wants to go back. It's not exactly like he was being discreet, after all.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Take another picture, dude

I don't care how flattering the photo might be, you shouldn't use one like this for your online profile:
A man who posted his own sex offender registry photo on the social networking site is back behind bars.

Christian Paul Dutton, 47, of Wheeling, was arrested in September for trespassing at an elementary school but later released. He was arrested again Wednesday on charges of failing to register his MySpace account with the State Police.
Sounds like he didn't exactly make it tough for them to find him, doesn't it? Next time, he might just want to drop in to Sears portrait studio on his lunch break.

Actually, he should probably just stay away from MySpace. A 47-year-old sex offender is just begging for trouble on MySpace.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Puppets and Metal, together at last

Sure, they look more like an 80s hair band like Poison than Motörhead (and how cool would it be if the guy had actually made a Lemmy puppet?), but this is a pretty good performance of Ace's unofficial theme song. By puppets.

(Via the genius behind my favorite comic strip.)