Saturday, October 31, 2009

Since it's Halloween...

...and I didn't post any cheesecake yesterday, here's Elvira, Mistress of the Dark:

Um, Elvira, are you implying that your boob is poisonous?

Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Birfday, Riley!

I can't believe that he's four years old today. This is a picture, I think, from the day when we brought him home. He got a brand new rope chewer and a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream tonight, which made him a happy little boy.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Coming soon to a theater near you

The Fast and the Furious: Sofia Smash...
Bulgarian prosecutors are investigating a new gambling game in which drivers defy death by speeding through red lights for bets of up to 5,000 euros ($7,400), the chief prosecutor's office said Thursday.

Known as 'Russian road roulette', the driver must jump red lights at busy intersections at high speed and not crash into any other cars or pedestrians, according to local media reports. Onlookers also gamble on the result.
Um, guys, they have things called "sports" and "cards" now. I know these things were rare during the days of Communist oppression, and they don't offer the thrill of being maimed or killed, but they're fine things to gamble on. They also have the added bonus of rarely taking out innocent bystanders.

(Except in certain countries where they take soccer waaaaaay too seriously. Or if Raiders fans are involved.)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The kids get shirts

When you're passing out T-shirts to a bunch of little kids, you might want to make sure that, well...
Principal Jackie Howland of Linda Vista Elementary School in Yorba Linda said the T-shirts, which were distributed to students who participated in a recent jog-a-thon, featured a logo with what was supposed to be a fake 1-800 number with letters instead of numbers, The Orange County (Calif.) Register reported Wednesday.

Rosemary Gladden, public information officer for Placentia-Yorba Linda Unified School District, said a parent called the number, which was supposed to be a slogan for the event, but it turned out to be a real number for a phone sex line.
This warrants a couple of questions. First of all, what did they spell out that actually refers people to a phone sex line? Secondly, who puts a fake 1-800 number on their shirts anymore? It's all about fake websites these days. I'm sure there's nothing out there that involves jogging and is also dirty. Oh, wait, there's some dirty website that involves just about anything.

Monday, October 26, 2009

I hate people sometimes

The fact that someone even felt the need to make a video like this depresses me...

I had to hug Riley extra-tight after watching that.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

These words are hard to choke out...

...but congratulations to the New York Yankees for making it to the World Series. They just played better in this ALCS than the Angels did, especially as far as their defense was concerned. The Dodgers played like crap against the Phils, too. Neither SoCal team took their momentum in sweeping their Division Series foes into the next round.

All of that said, I doubt I'll be watching a single fucking minute of this year's World Series. I really don't give a shit who wins at this point.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Since it's Friday night, old school crush edition

Ever since I saw The Last Emperor, I've had a crush on Joan Chen, so here she is, being a (non) dirty, dirty girl...

Um, hi. I could grab a loofah if you'd like...

As a bonus, here's some fantastic music.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Modern marriage

I've never been married, but, seriously, I thought this kind of thing was just confined to old sitcoms and newspaper cartoons.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Excuses, excuses

I don't tend to break into peoples' cars and steal their stuff, but if I did, I'd like to think that I could come up with a better dodge than this:
Salem police Lt. Conrad Prosniewski said that when the patrolmen caught up with Conway on Palmer Street and asked him what was in the bag, he responded by claiming they were his former wife's sex toys.

"The officers weren't buying it and took a look inside," the article mentions, which is hardly surprising.

I like this, too...
Defense lawyer Joyce Motta says her client "was just walking down the street" when the officers approached him for no reason.

Conway interrupted his lawyer, asking the judge to send him to a drug treatment program rather than jail.

"I've got a screaming drug habit," Conway told Salem District Court Judge Richard Mori.
Pipe down, man! I hear that some people are able to smuggle drugs into jail these days.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Who says church is boring?

Sure, God is everywhere, but...
A Wisconsin woman who leads weekly church services at a pub where people can pray, drink and take a smoke too says it is perfect for preaching to the "wounded."

Kathy Price of Beloit said The Red Door ministry holds services at 10:30 a.m. every Sunday at the Willowdale Saloon in Janesville for about a dozen or so parishioners, the Beloit (Wis.) Daily News reported Tuesday.
The article goes on to quote Price as saying that she's looking to "hang out" with "someone who's broken." I think people who are drinking and smoking at 10:30 on a Sunday morning pretty much qualify.

Monday, October 19, 2009


Are you using wood to heat your home? Coal? That might not work out.

Are you warm now? Good.

*throws blood on complacent human*

You go to hell and you die!!!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Since it's Friday night...

...and you're a bunch of horndogs, I figured a photo of Padma Lakshmi in flimsy lingerie would do nicely here:

Um, everyone is prolly gonna kill me, Ms. Lakshmi, but one of your shoulder straps seems to have slipped a bit.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The amazing cross-dressing caper

I like booze and I like criminal stupidity, so you know that I love this story...
Police officers were called to the scene about 6:50 p.m. Tuesday after the store’s loss prevention officer confronted a person about 20 years old and 6 foot three inches tall, weighing 300 pounds, who left the store without paying for the alcohol and cola.

The individual was believed to be a man but was wearing a black dress, according to police spokesman Sean Kooistra.
Um, I understand the concept of disguising yourself while committing a crime, but I'm pretty sure part of that is choosing a disguise that's not going to instantly draw attention to yourself. I mean, not to be a backseat getaway driver or anything, but if you're a dude who's over six feet tall and packing 300 pounds, a rainbow wig and some oversized novelty sunglasses might seem a bit less conspicuous.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Edward Haynes of Plant City, Florida might just have a point...
"If the city was so interested in the moral character of the city, why don't they do something about the prostitutes soliciting on the city streets or the bums sleeping in vacant lots at night? I'm all for decency," he said. "I have a family too. But let's not get so upset and misplace our energy when it is needed elsewhere."
I'll leave it up to you to click through to the article and find out what they chose to clean up before addressing the problems with hookers and hobos. Be warned, though, if there are any pregnant women or people with heart conditions in the room where you're reading this, well, they might find it funny.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


There's a time to call the cops, and there's a time to just cut your losses. This would be an instance of the latter:
Detective Sgt. Randy F. Pfau (FOW) says the 54-year-old woman was arrested early Sunday after reporting two men had broken into her home in Brant Township, 80 miles north-northwest of Detroit.

Pfau says the woman told deputies the men fled after one of them demanded her marijuana plants. He says the woman then was booked on charges of manufacturing and delivering marijuana.
See, this is why the A-Team exists. When you can't go to the cops, but you need justice, you go to them.

Wait, you're telling me the A-Team doesn't actually exist?

Monday, October 12, 2009

The logical progression?

Okay, so teevee viewers had to put up with commercials for decades. Then, some genius invented the DVR technology that allowed us to skip those commercials. Now, the advertising industry expects us to follow their commercials to websites where we can watch extended versions of their commercials?

Work on product placement, guys. That's about all you're gonna get away with in the future. That, or Blade Runner-style billboards.

So, I had a great weekend

Can any of you who hail from St. Louis or Boston say the same?

Friday, October 09, 2009

Since it's Friday night...

...and you're expecting some cheesecake, how about a shot of NCIS hottie Cote de Pablo?

Um, that's a really, really nice ass dress. Um, yeah. The dress. That's what I was talking about. Click for bigger.

It's far from over...

...but with the Angels shutting down the hated Red Sox for the second straight night, well...

Thursday, October 08, 2009


It takes a lot of money for amateur athletes to make it to the Olympics, and one Kiwi athlete has come up with an, um, interesting way to finance his trip to the 2012 London Games, but the New Zealand Olympic Committee isn't exactly supportive of his efforts:
"Based on the Olympic values of excellence, friendship and respect, we would place your actions as totally inconsistent with these values," TV3 network quoted an excerpt of the letter, signed by NZOC secretary-general Barry Maister, as saying.

"Your open solicitation of 'clients' for your 'business' while using the Olympic or Olympian connection must cease immediately, or the NZOC will be forced to consider taking legal action against you."
I'll leave it up to you to click on the link to find out what this athlete/entrepreneur came up with to finance his Gold Medal dreams.

(Although I probably kind of telegraphed that with the title.)

A great day for two!

First, the Dodgers stage a thrilling ninth inning comeback, and then John Lackey deals a gem and Torii Hunter hits a three-run bomb to power the Angels past the hated Red Sox. I'm gonna sleep well tonight.

Oh, and by the way...SUCK IT, MASSHOLES!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Nobody has ever broken into my home...

...but I'm pretty sure I'd prefer someone violating my space if the burglar wasn't nekkid...
The man -- whose name was not reported -- cooked a meal took a shower and ransacked the house Monday, The (New Orleans) Times-Picayune reported.

He was identified only as a Luling, La., resident who may have been suffering from a medical problem.
Like a gunshot, blunt force trauma from a Louisville Slugger, or a stab wound?

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Identity theft FAIL

On the one hand, it's sort of nice that this woman wrote a check to a church, though she did it on someone else's account, but, well...
The woman used a credit card from the stolen wallet to buy about $200 worth of merchandise from a dollar store and a convenience store.
Um, I've never stolen anything from anybody, but I'm pretty sure that when you swipe their checkbook and credit cards, you want to go all out. Maybe you don't want to head to Nieman Marcus, but the dollar store? Think bigger. I mean, Wal-Mart takes credit cards. Hell, supermarkets take credit cards.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Couldn't you wait a few weeks?

I get the idea that you're going for a theme wedding, but if you were a bunch of furries who liked to dress up like a horrible couple of Easter Bunnies, would you do this on Good Friday?

Thursday, October 01, 2009

They always return to the scene of the crime

Yeah, it's just a cliche. Or is it?
Beech Grove police said the man, described as about 48 years old, handed a Walgreen's clerk $2 for a cola and made "idle conversation" until she opened the cash register, The Indianapolis Star reported Thursday.

The man then put his hand under his coat and informed the clerk he was robbing the store. He took $97 from the register and began to leave, police said.

However, the police report said the man "came back for the bottle of soda that he placed on the counter and previously paid for."
Hey, in today's economy, you can't just waste good money by leaving stuff you've already paid for behind at the store.