Thursday, January 31, 2008

I'm pretty sure that's a sin

You know, if you've absolutely got to look at online porn, this is probably the last place you should be doing so:
A civilian State Police employee was accused of sneaking into a church to look at pornography on a nun's computer. Police arrested Thomas G. Findler Wednesday and charged him with burglary and theft.

Authorities said Findler had been sneaking into Grace St. Paul Episcopal Church in the night over the last three weeks to look at pornography.

Wednesday morning, a church custodian found Findler, who worships at the church, on a nun's computer.

The custodian chased him out, right into a police officer who happened to be nearby.
You'd think that of all people, a nun would have software that would block porn sites, but I guess not. Anyway, that's beside the point. My question is, did he break into the church because he was afraid of being caught looking at porn by someone at home, or did he do it extra thrill?

Just a gigolo

Women have complained for, well, probably forever about how rich, older men ditch their wives for sexy, vapid, and young "trophy wives" who, in turn, get to sponge off of them. Well, guess what, ladies? Now you, too can have just such a soulless experience!
Wanted: rich older women interested in hot younger guys. Applicants must be over 35, earn at least $500,000 a year or have a minimum of $4 million in liquid assets, entrusted assets or divorce settlement.

That's the basis of a speed-dating event organized by a New York entrepreneur bringing together 20 "sugar mamas" and 20 "boy toys" vetted by an elite New York matchmaker.

"Symbiosis has allowed ugly rich men to attract young, gorgeous, money-hungry women for centuries; it's now the women's turn," proclaims, the Web site that Jeremy Abelson is using to promote the event.

Set to take place at Manhattan's 230 Fifth club on February 7, it has attracted more than just wealthy divorcees. Nancy Richards, 50, is the owner of a marketing firm and a theater producer in New York and London.

"Is it truly what I am looking for? No. Is it an option? Why not? In New York City anything goes," Richards said with a laugh.

Speed-dating pairs up prospective couples for face-to-face meetings that last just a few minutes. The partners rotate over the course of the evening, allowing participants to make the acquaintance of many potential partners.

"I find younger guys will usually be totally into you while older guys will be looking over your shoulder at a younger woman," said Gail Garrison, 44, a fashion designer and former model.

"Younger men expect an older woman to be more accomplished. They are looking for you because you are intelligent. They are not looking for a mother," she said.
No, they're not looking for a mother. But they're not looking for you for your mind, either, lady. They're looking for the easy life, where they get to spend your money in return for having sex with you and looking good on your arm at dinner parties and other social functions. It's called being a kept man, and it's probably a pretty sweet deal if you don't mind essentially prostituting yourself. And, apparently, that's not a problem for the more than 5,000 men who applied for the event.

But, hey, if that's what you're looking for, ladies, go for it!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Bargain bike

This kid just learned a valuable lesson about the usefulness of bike locks:
If it's on the floor at the Goodwill store in Salem, it's for sale. So when Cody Young parked his bicycle in the wrong place, it got sold. Not only that, the bike that cost $232 four years ago went for $6.99. "That was just insulting," the seventh-grader said.

Young said he and friends went to the store on Sunday to look at speakers. He didn't have a lock, but his friends told him they'd previously parked inside the store. He left it near other bikes that were for sale. While they were shopping, his black BMX bike was sold.
Okay, so parking your bike inside the Goodwill might not be such a good idea. But parking it near other bikes that the store is trying to sell? That's genius.
Goodwill officials said they were looking into the sale. They said they were unable to identify the bike's purchaser.

"We will make every effort to do the right thing," spokesman Bob Barsocchini said, "and we will throw in a bike lock."
That ought to come in handy. If he's smart enough to use it, anyway.

Oh, and according to a subsequent article, he'll be getting it back, and the buyer will get a $100 Goodwill gift certificate for being a good sport.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Fly very casual

If the one thing that's always been missing from your life is the ability to get nude with a bunch of strangers on an airplane, I have good news for you:
German nudists will be able to start their holidays early by stripping off on the plane if they take up a new offer from an eastern German travel firm.

Travel agency said it would start taking bookings from Friday for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom, planned for July 5 and costing 499 euros ($735).

"It's expensive, I know," managing director Enrico Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's because the plane's very small. There's no real reason why a flight in which one flies naked should be more expensive than any other."

The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking, said Hess. The crew will remain clothed throughout the flight for safety reasons.

"I wish I could say we thought of it ourselves but the idea came from a customer," Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's an unusual gap in the market."


"I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that," he added. "We're a perfectly normal holiday company."
Except for the fact that you're going on a trip with a bunch of bare-ass strangers. Other than that, yeah, sounds perfectly normal.

Monday, January 28, 2008

"Dr. Horror"

The story of people in U.S. cities being drugged and having their kidneys stolen may just be an urban legend, but something similar really is going on in India:
The uncovering of an illegal kidney transplant racket in a booming IT city has gripped India, with reports hundreds of poor laborers may have been duped or forced into donating organs to wealthy clients, including foreigners.

Hundreds of people from across northern India had their kidneys removed at a private house, which had a state-of-the-art operating theatre hidden inside, after being lured to Gurgaon, a city of hi-tech companies just outside New Delhi.

"We suspect around 400 or 500 kidney transplants were done by these doctors over the last nine years," Mohinder Lal, Gurgaon's police chief, told the Hindustan Times.

Several people have been arrested, including some doctors, police said.

The case, one of the largest transplant rackets reported in India in recent years, has dominated the country's headlines and sparked calls for the government to tighten regulation of kidney transplants to stop backstreet operations as global demand rises.

"Dr Horror" was how India's Mail Today described the ringleader of the racket in a front-page headline on Monday.

The doctor accused of heading the group may have fled the country, according to police, quoted as saying he appeared to have been tipped off. As many as 50 medical officials may have been involved in the racket.

At least five foreigners -- two U.S. and three Greek citizens -- were found in a luxury guesthouse operated by the doctor running the racket, Lal was quoted as saying by local media.

Police said they have since been allowed to leave India.

Many victims complained they were taken to the house with promises of a job, and then duped or forced at gunpoint to sell their kidneys.

Laborers, many who gathered every day in parts of Gurgaon to look for any kind of job, were offered around 50,000 rupees ($1,250) for their kidneys. They were sold to wealthy clients for 10 times as much.

"I was approached by a stranger for a job. When I accepted, I was taken to a room with gunmen," Mohammed Salim told NDTV television.

"They tested my blood, gave me an injection and I lost consciousness. When I woke up, I had pain in my lower abdomen and I was told that my kidney had been removed."

Suspicious neighbors said they had noticed blood running out of the house's gutters, as well as blood-soaked bandages and even bits of flesh thrown into an open plot near the house.
I can see how stuff like that would lead neighbors to be suspicious. Whenever I see blood running out of a neighbor's house, I start thinking that maybe, just maybe something hinky is going on.

Is it just me, or does it sound like they were noticing stuff like that for a while before, you know, calling the cops?


When you're stuck at home in a snowstorm, out of booze, and your wife has the car, how are you going to get your hands on more hooch? This guy found the answer in his yard:
A man was charged with drunken driving after going through two bottles of wine, cutting through a snowstorm on his lawn mower and riding down the center of the street to reach a liquor store, authorities said.

Police found Frank Kozumplik, 49, homeward bound on a John Deere tractor Saturday night, toting four bottles of wine in a paper bag, officials said.

He told officers that his wife had taken their car to work, and that the mower was the only way he could reach the store, two miles from home.
Apparently, the authorities in Michigan frown on people driving their lawnmowers down the street with a blood alcohol level two and a half times the legal limit. Which is good to know.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Japan is a strange country

Want to see something...unusual? If you answered yes to that question and aren't bothered too much by things that are probably NSFW, then click here.

And no, I don't know how even begin to explain that.

Friday, January 25, 2008

A family affair

Usually, it's a nice thing when three generations of family can get together and enjoy activities together. This time, not so much.
A grandmother, her daughter and some of her grandchildren tried to steal $900 worth of merchandise from a Target store in Lodi, 35 miles south of Sacramento, police Officer Misty Smith said.

The family's alleged shoplifting spree earlier this week was captured by surveillance video, which police say showed them cutting open boxes and hiding MP3 players, digital cameras, DVDs, jewelry and sports equipment in purses, bags and a backpack.

An 8-year-old and a 5-year-old were among the family members detained.

"The 5-year-old actually had a pack of gum. A small item but we could see where her life was heading because she thinks more than likely this is a normal way of life, this is what you do," said Dale Eubanks of the Lodi police.

Linda Robinson, 59, and her 36-year-old daughter, Anna Fernandez, were charged Wednesday with burglary, grand theft, vandalism and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. They were released from jail. If convicted, each could face eight years in prison.

Fernandez's teenage sons, 17 and 14, were arrested on suspicion of grand theft and will face charges in juvenille court, authorities said. Another teen not related to the family also was arrested.
It's bad enough that you're teaching your children to steal, but do you have to get the rest of the neighborhood kids in on the act? Real classy there, gals.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Where'd that come from?

I was out in front of my house, smoking a cigarette late this afternoon, when I noticed what looked like a familiar shape on the grass. And sure enough, when I picked it up, it was a pot leaf. Makes me wonder if maybe one of my neighbors has an interesting gardening project going on in their back yard.

At the movies

Meatspace buddy Andy and I went to see Cloverfield tonight. I thought it was a pretty good movie, he was disappointed. He also felt kind of nauseous because of the hand-held camera action, which wasn't a problem for me.

I don't want to give away too much, but if you're looking for a traditional story that wraps up with a tidy explanation of everything that happened, you'll be disappointed. My main worry was that they were going to cheat you out of a good look at the creature, but you get to see it several times. You don't get to know the characters that well, but that's understandable, given the way it's structured.

All in all, I think it's an interesting take on the giant monster/disaster movie, where, as one reviewer noted (I forget where), you see the action from the perspective of the crowds you normally just see fleeing in the background while the heroic scientists and military people try to figured out how to beat the creature menacing the city.

I'd recommend it, especially if you like movies with giant monsters rampaging through major cities.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Driving while indecent

You know, I've been to Illinois in the winter, and I've got to say that I'd think it would be too cold to do this kind of thing:
Word that a man was caught driving in the buff through town has Mayor Marion Presley hustling to get the real skinny out about the Illinois community: West Frankfort is not a nudist colony.

Police arrested Justin Flora, 34, of Marion, Ill., on Monday and charged him with two counts of public indecency after several female motorists reported him driving without a stitch of clothing.

Police Chief Jeff Tharp says Flora said he just liked to drive unencumbered to check out the ladies.
You know, I like to "check out the ladies," too, but I keep my clothes on while doing so. Trust me, everybody's happier that way.

Lifestyle choices

Get a load of the intolerance shown by this prudish bus driver toward a...well...
A British bus company has apologized to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus.

Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the "pet" of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.

Pictures showed her dressed in black Gothic-style clothing with silver buckles on a silver chain -- which the driver of a bus from the firm Arriva took exception to.

She told the Daily Mail newspaper Wednesday she was thrown off and told: "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."

Arriva would not comment on specifics but said it apologized if the couple felt they had been discriminated against. It added, however, that the driver was worried about safety and the company told Maltby to take the leash off in the future.

"We have spoken to the driver who has talked about health and safety," a spokesman said. "Should she be attached to a chain and something happens on the bus, that could be dangerous. All we are saying is that she is very welcome to use the buses but not when she is on her lead."
That's an OUTRAGE! Who are they to tell her she can't, uh, do whatever it is that she's doing there? The fascists. Yeah. Fascists.

Oh, and this little detail kind of jumped out at me:
Maltby -- who lives on state benefits and got engaged in November -- said her choice of lifestyle might seem unusual but was harmless.
It goes on to quote her as saying that she leads "a really easy life," never does much of anything useful, and that she doesn't go anywhere without her fiance. I can see how that might make it a little difficult to find gainful employment.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Do not want

You know, even if they decide to lift this ban, I think I'll probably still pass:
Scotland is considering lobbying the United States to lift a ban on haggis, hoping to boost sales of the sheep-stomach-based national dish.

The U.S. banned imports of Scottish haggis after Britain's outbreak of mad cow disease, which is linked to the human brain illness Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

Scotland's government insist its haggis -- which usually contains the heart, liver and lungs wrapped inside a sheep's stomach lining -- is safe and wants the ban lifted.

"The Scottish government will consider engaging the U.S. government on its haggis import ban ... It is safe or we wouldn't eat it here," said a spokeswoman. "We think there is a large market for it amongst expatriate Scots there."

She cited growing sales of tartans and the prevalence of Scottish clubs as evidence that Americans were taking greater interest in their Scottish heritage.
Um, I hate to break this to you, spokeslady, but there's a big difference between buying something plaid and eating that. I don't really see it becoming the next American taste sensation.

Um, that's what the bathroom's for

Man, this guy is either really sick in the head or just has a really sick sense of humor:
Repeated discoveries of human feces in clothing and other items left in an apartment building's basement laundry room led to charges Thursday against a 19-year-old man.

Authorities said Ronnie A. Ballard was arrested after a woman whose laundry had been soiled chased him back to his apartment in an adjoining building.

Residents also reported finding feces in shoes and boots in an apartment hallway and in washing machines where it soiled a comforter, baby clothes and other items that had to be thrown out.

Ballard was charged with three counts of disorderly conduct, three counts of criminal damage to property and one count of bail jumping. Court records showed he also is facing charges of lewd and lascivious behavior in Waukesha and Lincoln counties.
I hope they get him a psych evaluation, too. Because pooping in people's shoes just ain't something a guy who's got all his marbles does.

Monday, January 21, 2008

You might be surprised to learn...

...that Martin Luther King Jr. is, apparently, alive and well in Atlanta. Well, sort of:
Martin Luther King Jr. is used to the puzzled looks he gets from people when they learn his name.

The white, long-haired graphics designer and children's book author goes by "Marty" to maintain his anonymity in the suburbs of Atlanta, where the man who made the moniker famous once lived.

His name is just a coincidence, but it made Marty King pay attention to the civil rights movement while growing up in a small Tennessee town during the 1960s.

"In East Tennessee, he may not have had a lot of fans, but there were some people who agreed with him," he said. "I liked his speeches. ... He was only asking for what he was due, but the way he did it commanded respect. He earned my parents' respect."

Marty King, 53, was named for his father, who was named for the German monk and theologian Martin Luther, founder of the Protestant Reformation in the early 1500s.

It's not the only famous name in his family. Marty King's grandfather was named Abraham Lincoln.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's got a cousin named Malcolm X and an aunt named Rosa Parks. That sort of thing seems to run in the family.

Friday, January 18, 2008

A million little pieces

I've never understood why some people feel the need to videotape their crimes. Especially not when it's something this awful:
A 19-year-old Chinese student recorded the killing and dismembering of her married lover by her boyfriend, local media said on Friday.

The second-year student in the southwestern province of Yunnan, her boyfriend and another male accomplice had all been arrested after the killing last month, the Southern Metropolis Daily said.


The girl, who was from a struggling family in the capital Beijing and met the victim as a nightclub hostess, filmed as he was killed and his body was cut into "hundreds of pieces," the newspaper said."

"The dismembering was both out of hatred and aimed at making the body unrecognisable," the report said.
And this guy was her "lover"? I'd hate to see what she does to her enemies.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

That's mighty big of them

It's always a good thing when someone steps up and offers to pay you for damaging your property without a lot of legal wrangling. Especially when they shoot a rocket into your house:
Russia's military Thursday offered compensation to a homeowner after a small rocket veered off course and hit his country house outside Moscow.

Russian Internet chatrooms were buzzing late Wednesday after local news agencies reported that "an unidentified flying object dropped two bombs near Moscow."

A defense ministry official told Reuters two rockets had gone astray during a military exercise near Moscow Wednesday afternoon. One hit the roof of an unoccupied house 3.5 km (2.2 miles) away.

"The damage is estimated at 60,000 rubles ($2,466). It will be compensated for in two days," said Yevgeny Konashenkov, spokesman for Russian land troops. "The owner of the house treats the incident with understanding. He has no legal claims."
Yeah, well, he really shouldn't have to take them to court. After all, the army is pretty clearly at fault here, seeing as how they're probably the only group of people mucking around the outskirts of Moscow with rocket launchers. At least I would hope so.

I do. I do. I do.

I know a lot of women out there want to meet Mr. Right and have a fairytale wedding, but I'm pretty sure you're only supposed to have one at a time:
Stacie Warren wasn't satisfied with one husband, so police say she married again and again. Warren, 33, was cited last week on a second charge of bigamy for having three husbands. State police said Warren married Frank Gray last year while she already was married to two other men.

Vermont State Police Trooper Callie Field said Warren married a third time two months after being charged with bigamy in 2007. In that case, both Warren and her second husband were charged with bigamy because the man also was already married to someone else, police said.

Warren apparently married one man, then moved out, and married another without getting divorced, Field said. He said prescription drug abuse may be a factor in the case.
Does that mean she took so many pills that she forgot she was married? Or is there some prescription medication out there for which bigamy is a side effect?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Can't sleep, clown will eat me

In some of the least shocking news of the last few decades, kids apparently find clowns creepy:
Bad news for Coco and Blinko -- children don't like clowns and even older kids are scared of them.

The news that will no doubt have clowns shedding tears was revealed in a poll of youngsters by researchers from the University of Sheffield who were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards.

The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.
Now, I think most American teenagers outgrow their fear of these garishly painted and dressed goons, sliding into more of a feeling of contempt for them, but these are British kids the article is talking about, so maybe it's a cultural thing.

You'd better be damn well ready for some football!

Ah, football, the game that brings out the best in people:
Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

Mathew Kowald was cited for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident with his son at their home in Pardeeville, Lt. Wayne Smith of the Columbia County Sheriff's Department said. Pardeeville is about 30 miles north of Madison.

The 36-year-old Kowald was arrested Monday after his wife told authorities about the incident. Kowald was taken to the county jail and held until Wednesday, when he pleaded no contest, paid a fine of $186 and was released.

Kowald's wife filed a restraining order Wednesday, so Kowald will not be able to have contact with his family, Smith said. Smith said other domestic issues have surfaced, though he wouldn't elaborate.
I'm going to go ahead and guess that the man has some pretty serious anger management issues. I'm frankly surprised that he was only charged with disorderly conduct. Sounds like child abuse, if you ask me.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Your brain is a snob

Oh, great. According to a bunch of eggheads, our brains trick us into liking stuff just because it's expensive:
The more wine costs, the more people enjoy it, regardless of how it tastes, a study by California researchers has found.

Researchers at the Stanford Graduate School of Business and the California Institute of Technology found that because people expect wines that cost more to be of higher quality, they trick themselves into believing the wines provide a more pleasurable experience than less expensive ones.

Their study, published on Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, says that expectations of quality trigger activity in the medial orbitofrontal cortex, the part of the brain that registers pleasure. This happens even though the part of our brain that interprets taste is not affected.

While many studies have looked at how marketing affects behavior, this is the first to show that it has a direct effect on the brain.

The researchers said that when 20 adult test subjects sampled the same wine at different prices, they reported experiencing pleasure at significantly greater levels when told the wine cost more. At the same time, the part of the brain responsible for pleasure showed significant activity.

"We have known for a long time that people's perceptions are affected by marketing, but now we know that the brain itself is modulated by price," said Baba Shiv, an associate professor at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, and one of the authors of the study.

"Marketers are now going to think twice about reducing the price," Shiv said.
I don't know about that. While people like stuff that's expensive, in my experience, they also enjoy getting discounts. After all, what's better than an expensive bottle of wine? An expensive bottle of wine for half price, that's what.

Anyway, I'm not sure I believe the results, seeing as how this study was conducted at a low-quality institution like Stanfurd. (Go Bears!)


This criminal learned the value of a good holster the hard way:
Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the groin as he was robbing a convenience store. A clerk told police a man carrying a semiautomatic handgun entered the Village Pantry Tuesday morning demanding cash and a pack of cigarettes.

The clerk put the cash in a bag and as she turned to get the cigarettes, she heard the gun discharge.

Police say surveillance video shows the man shooting himself as he placed the gun in the waistband of his pants. The clerk wasn't injured.

A short time later, police found Derrick Kosch, 25, at a home with a gunshot wound to his right testicle and lower left leg.
Now, I don't know what kind of pants this guy was wearing, but if they had pockets, why not try putting the gun in one of them? Seems like a much better idea than pointing it directly at your balls. Oh well, hindsight is, as they say, 20/20.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Party of five...hundred

Why do I suspect that a MySpace or Facebook page was involved in this debacle?
An Australian teenager who threw a wild party while his parents were away could face a hefty fine after police said Monday they might charge him for the cost of breaking the gathering up.

More than 500 people turned up to the party Saturday in the southern city of Melbourne, and some of them went on a rampage when police responded to complaints about the noise.

Police cars were pelted with glass bottles and nearby houses and gardens were vandalized before at least 30 officers, a helicopter and the dog squad were able to end the melee at the suburban home. No one was arrested.
The party guests caused $18,000 in damage (I don't know if that's Australian or U.S. money), and the police are considering holding the kid responsible for that.
"He needs to learn a lesson, and one way or another we will be making sure that happens,"[Victoria State Police Commissioner Christine] Nixon told reporters at a news conference.
Sounds like the little punk's sure to straighten up and fly right. Right?
The 16-year-old told local media he had no regrets about the party because he believed invited guests had no role in the ruckus. Asked if he would do it again, the youth said he would do it again this weekend — if his parents were not due home from a vacation this week.
Huh. Maybe not.


Drinking and smoking aren't good for you, but drinking certain things while you're smoking can be really bad for you:
A German man in the northeastern town of Gross Godems was being treated for serious burns Monday after accidentally setting his apartment ablaze when he mixed up a bottle of gasoline with alcohol, police said.

The 56-year-old apparently grabbed the wrong bottle and took a swig from the gasoline flask, then spat it out when he realized his mistake.

The gas hit a lit cigarette, sparking the fire, police said.
Which begs the question: why would you keep a bottle full of gasoline with your booze inside an apartment? More than that, why would a smoker keep a bottle of gasoline anywhere in their home?


Friday, January 11, 2008

Sins of a Father

I'm not a Catholic, but even I know that Priests aren't supposed to be doing this kind of thing:
A man claiming to be a Catholic priest was arrested Friday at Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport after he was caught carrying 7.7 pounds of cocaine under his robes, a spokesman for Dutch border police said.

The suspect, whose identity was being traced, initially refused to undergo a routine body check "for religious reasons," spokesman Robert van Kapel said.

He said the man was then spotted lining up at a different entrance gate. He was searched and the drugs were found in packages taped to his body.

"We've seen a lot of things, baseballs filled with cocaine, wine bottles, plaster casts, but this is a first," Van Kapel said.

He said the man, who was traveling from Bolivia, continued to insist he is a priest and did not confess any wrongdoing, arguing his rights had been violated by the search.
Not surprisingly, the authorities didn't agree with Father Cokesmuggler, who's set to see an Earthly judge sometime soon.

Did you ever notice...

...that in just about every watch ad you see in magazines, the hands are set to read approximately 10:10? Go ahead and check. See?

I forget where, but I read somewhere that ad agencies determined that watches set to that time appeared to be "smiling," thus making them more appealing to us suckers potential timepiece buyers.

Me, I'm guessing this is some sort of UN, IRS, Trilateral Commission, Bilderberg, Skull and Bones, Illuminati, and/or Bohemian Grove conspiracy to get us to spend our "New Money" on watches so that the "International Bankers" can track which jewelers (get it?) we take those watches to in order to get the metal bands adjusted. For some sort of database. Of wrist sizes.

What? Does that sound any crazier than newsletters that were supposedly sent out by a certain Congressman Running For President who denies writing, reading, or even knowing who was employed in producing said newsletters bearing his name for decades?

Think about it, sheeple. Do you want the New World Order to know how thick your wrists are?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The year of living disgustingly

There's a thin line between being utterly devoted to someone and being crazy. This woman crossed that line about a year ago:
A 66-year-old Austrian woman lived for almost a year with the corpse of her 85-year-old partner, APA news agency said Wednesday.

Police found the remains of the man in the couple's small vacation cottage in the eastern village of St Andrae am Zicksee Tuesday, swaddled in blankets with the dwelling reeking of decomposition odors.

The woman had told a local doctor and neighbors who tried to contact the man since last March that he was abroad. APA said police were looking into whether the woman concealed his death in order to collect his pension payments.
The dearly departed must have had a really good pension plan, since living with a rotting corpse for a year doesn't seem worth it for a couple hundred bucks a month.

Although the aforementioned craziness probably helped, too.

Madam is Adam

Okay, this one is pretty strange:
A 33-year-old Czech woman managed to spend several months posing as a 13-year-old boy named "Adam," fooling teachers and child care workers in Norway, police said Thursday.
more stories like this

Barbora Skrlova was deported back to the Czech Republic and detained on Wednesday, Czech police spokeswoman Andrea Prochazkova said. Authorities said she was undergoing psychiatric evaluation.

A woman who supplied a Czech passport enrolled "Adam" at the Marienlyst school near Oslo in September. However, authorities say it actually was the 5-foot-2 Skrlova, her breasts bound and head shaved.

"We did react to Adam's behavior. But it's not easy to know. Children at that age can be so different," school principal Ingjerd Eriksen told the Oslo newspaper Dagbladet.

Czech authorities are now looking into whether Skrlova should be charged with identity theft and misleading authorities, police said.

It apparently was not the first time Skrlova had fooled authorities by posing as a child, which in Norway offered her food and shelter. Czech police say she posed as a 13-year-old girl adopted by a woman in the Czech city of Brno.

That woman in Brno is now suspected of abusing of her two younger biological sons, and Skrlova is key witness in the case. Facing an investigation, Skrlova left with friends for Denmark and ended up in Norway.

"Not even we have been able to figure out what is up and down in this case," Norwegian police attorney Sven T. Roer said.
Seems pretty straightforward to me. She's some kind of weirdo who apparently enjoys pretending to be a teenage boy. And is, apparently, somewhat successful at it, having done it at least twice.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Relationship problems

Perhaps unsurprisingly, this couple is splitting up:
A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper Wednesday.
I bet she was a little surprised to see him there, too. After all, that's not the kind of establishment you want your husband to frequent.

Something you don't see every day

I was outside my house this afternoon, having a smoke, when a fifty-ish woman drove by with her windows rolled down, blasting really loud, bass-heavy gangsta rap on her car stereo.


Tuesday, January 08, 2008

A foolproof plan

I don't understand what these two morons thought was going to happen once they got their "friend" to the check-cashing store...
Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said.

David J. Dalaia and James O'Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron's body from the Manhattan apartment that O'Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police.

"The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side," Browne said.

The men left Cintron's body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store's clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O'Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said.

A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron's body, and "it's immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead," Browne said.

The detective called uniformed New York Police Department officers at a nearby precinct. Emergency medical technicians arrived as O'Hare and Dalaia were preparing to wheel Cintron's body into the check-cashing store, Browne said. Police arrested Dalaia and O'Hare there, he said.
Am I the only one who has a feeling that a lot of drugs and a copy of this movie were involved in hatching this plan?

It's a good thing he wasn't stealing guns

A wise man once told me, "Sean, you shouldn't stuff sharp things down your pants." Apparently, this guy didn't have the benefit of such wisdom:
A man who hid hunting knives in his pants to try to steal them from a western Michigan store tripped while fleeing and stabbed himself in the abdomen, police say.

The suspect was hospitalized after Monday night's attempted theft from a Meijer Inc. superstore in Grand Rapids and is expected to face a misdemeanor shoplifting charge, police say.

The wounds did not appear to be life-threatening, The Grand Rapids Press reported.

The man had put about $300 worth of hunting knives in his waistband, police told WZZM-TV. Police say he tried to leave the store, but Meijer employees confronted him and a scuffle followed.

The man then fell and was stabbed by the knives he had hidden in his clothing, police said. They said it happened about 5:40 p.m.
It could have been worse, if you think about it, seeing as how he stabbed himself in the abdomen. Know what I mean?

Monday, January 07, 2008

Little blue fakes

Given the fact that these were counterfeit, I wonder if they would an effect, if you know what I mean.
French customs officials have intercepted a shipment of 224,000 fake Viagra and Cialis anti-impotence pills worth 2.4 million euros ($3.5 million), the Budget Ministry said Monday.

The copies of the bestselling drugs were found on December 18 during a search at the French capital's main air hub at Roissy, in a freight cargo on its way to Brazil from India.

"Branded Powergra and Erectalis, each box contained, in fact, four tablets in the characteristic shape and color of Viagra or Cialis pills," Budget Minister Eric Woerth's office, which is also in charge of customs, said in a statement.
Now, like I said, I have no idea whether or not these pills actually would have worked, so I guess there are either a lot of disappointed or relieved Brazilian men, depending.

Stuck at home

When I was a kid, I always hated going back top school after Christmas vacation, but I guess I didn't hatye it as much as this kid:
A 10-year-old Mexican boy glued his hand to his bed to avoid going back to school after the Christmas break, authorities said Monday.

"I thought if I was glued to the bed, they couldn't make me go to school," the boy, Diego, told AFP. "I didn't want to go, the holidays were so much fun."

"I remembered my mom had bought a very strong glue," he said of the industrial strength shoe glue he used to stick his hand to the bed's metal headboard, where he stayed stuck for two hours.

His mother Sandra Palacios was unable to free him and called paramedics and police to help. Diego watched cartoons while they worked to unglue him, eventually using a spray to dissolve the chemical adhesive.
And after all that, yes, he still had to go back to school anyway. I wonder, did he think he was just going to stay there, stuck to his bed forever?

Friday, January 04, 2008

A tale of two drivers

They say that a driver's license is a privilege, not a right. And you can lose that privilege for various infractions. Let's take a look at a couple of extermes.

First, we have Old Man Leadfoot:
A new law meant to help crack down on young Canadian street racers in their souped up cars has nabbed an octogenarian in his Oldsmobile.

The 85-year-old man is one of 2,300 drivers across Ontario to be charged under new legislation, designed to combat "street racing, stunts and contests", since it came into effect three months ago -- and he's the oldest.

The man was pulled over after allegedly driving 161 kilometers per hour (100 mph) this week on a main highway north of Toronto, where the speed limit is 100 km/h, Ontario Provincial Police said.

"It really doesn't matter the age of the person or whether they're trying to race another car," OPP Sgt. Cam Woolley said on Friday. "The consequences of the crashes and the laws of physics are always in effect."

Under the street racing legislation, a person is charged if they are driving 50 km/h more than the posted speed limit.

"Street racing was probably a bad title for it, extreme driving probably would have been better," Woolley noted.

Under the legislation, the 85-year-old could face a minimum C$2,000 ($2,000) fine. His license has been suspended and his car impounded for a week.

Woolley said that, in the case of the 85-year-old, a police officer driving in a marked car saw the Oldsmobile and tried to get the driver's attention, honking her horn and waving.

"He flew past her," said Woolley, adding he was going about 140 km/h at the time -- and then speeded up.

When he finally stopped, the man told the officer he was going to the bank and planned to go shopping, Woolley said.

"When she informed him that his car was being impounded for a week, he said: 'God damn, you're not taking my car, are ya?'" Woolley said, adding the man later apologized for swearing, and the officer drove him to the bank.
Ah, the famous Canadian politeness. I think a lot of cops around here would have driven him to jail, not the bank.

Anyway, at the opposite extreme, we have Suzy Slowpoke:
A woman banned from driving for seven days after traveling at speeds of less than 10mph on the motorway told Reuters on Friday: "that road's my nemesis." Stephanie Cole, 58, of Fishponds, Bristol, straddled the hard shoulder and inside lane as she dawdled along a stretch of the M32 near her home last August.

In the back window of the car was a sign which said: "I don't do fast, please overtake".

Cole admitted driving without reasonable consideration at North Avon Magistrates' Court on Friday and was told she would have to take another test at the end of the ban.

"I didn't intend getting onto the motorway, but all of a sudden I found myself on it and I could not get off," she told Reuters after the hearing.

"I just panicked. I hate that particular stretch of road and I avoid it normally. It is my nemesis."
I think the moral of the stories is that it's best to stick pretty close to the speed limit wherever you are. That, and old people and women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

That's pretty friggin' low

I guess the only thing that could make this guy a bigger dirtbag would be if he'd tried to take some candy from the victim, too.
A man has been charged with sneaking into a toddler's bedroom and stealing $20 from a piggy bank while the 2-year-old girl slept. Authorities say DNA evidence linked Ryan A. Mueller, 30, of Sheboygan Falls to the crime that occurred Aug. 10 in Wilson.

Authorities say the girl's mother was in another room with another child when she saw a light turn on in her 2-year-old daughter's room. She walked into the girl's bedroom and saw a man shaking the piggy bank as the girl slept.

The man fled before police arrived, stealing the money but leaving the piggy bank. Authorities say blood was found on a window blind where the burglar had forced his way into the home.

Mueller was charged Thursday with felony burglary, which carries a penalty of up to 9 1/2 years in prison. His bond was set at $10,000, and a preliminary hearing was set for next Wednesday.
I'm guessing that since he had to resort to stealing from a little girl's piggy bank to get a little scratch, he's probably going to be stuck in jail.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Bad news, good news

Man, I can only hope to be this inconvenienced someday:
A lucky couple expecting to cash in their winning Michigan Lottery ticket became a bit peeved when a store clerk turned down their request.

Bad Axe gas station and convenience store owner Eli Kabban said the man and woman showed up Wednesday morning with what they thought was a $150 winning ticket they'd bought Friday.

They complained when the clerk told them they would have to collect their winnings in Lansing, the state capital, 150 miles away.
And why couldn't they cash in on their hundred and fifty bucks right then and there?
Kabban said he took the couple into his office and explained the ticket was actually worth $250,000. He says they were "in shock" at the news.
I think they'll be happy to make that 150 mile drive now, even with gas prices being pretty high these days. They can afford it now, the lucky bastards.

The New Year's first 10 random songs post

1. Adam and the Ants - "Goody Two Shoes"
2. Pavement - "Unfair"
3. James - "Laid"
4. Roy Orbison - "In Dreams"
5. Buzzcocks - "What Do I Get?"
6. The Velvet Underground - "Sunday Morning"
7. Peter and Gordon - "World Without Love"
8. Joy Division - "Atmosphere"
9. Poor Righteous Teachers - "Shakiyla"
10. Jim O'Rourke - "Something Big"

Previous random songs can be found here and here.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

"Fake excitement while lying down, without smiling"

I'm no lawyer, but I don't really see how this lawsuit has any merit. Once you see the clip, I think you'll agree.
A model who says she has worked hard to maintain a wholesome image has filed a $5 million lawsuit complaining that a jewelry company's video advertisement in which she writhes and moans looks pornographic.

The commercial, seen on the Internet in a clip entitled "Rock Her World," shows a woman wearing blue lacy lingerie and a diamond necklace while moaning and stroking her face and neck. It ends with the Web address for the jewelry company,

The 37-year-old woman claims in her lawsuit that she did not "consent to or authorize the use of her likeness, picture, image or name to simulate a female having an orgasm or otherwise experiencing sexual pleasure."


The plaintiff, identified only as Jane Doe, says in court papers she won the role in the commercial for Szul Jewelry Inc. in November. She says the idea was that an average guy would get a woman excited by putting a necklace on her.

Three-fourths of the filming of the commercial, shot Nov. 9 by Q2 Entertainment in a studio in Queens, involved a comedic story line, but the woman later was told to sit and feign excitement for a few seconds while the young man put the necklace on her, the lawsuit says.

After that scene, the court papers say, the director told her to fake excitement while lying down, without smiling.

"He asked her to keep repeating the action until he thought he got the most authentic looking film piece," they say.
Now, maybe she thought the commercial was going to feature more of the "comedic storyline" than it does, but what did she think they meant by the last part? I think she knew pretty well. Know why?


Oh, yeah, she knew damn well what that director was asking her to act out. And she did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself.

Update: Great minds Morons think alike.

Do as I say, not as I do

To borrow a line from Jeff Goldstein, because of the HYPOCRISY!
The head of the Portuguese agency responsible for enforcing a new ban on smoking in public was seen lighting up at a New Year party, breaking the law on the first day it came into effect.

Antonio Nunes, president of Portugal's food standards agency, was photographed by the daily Diario de Noticias smoking a cigar at a casino on the outskirts of Lisbon.
Now, he claims that he didn't know that the ban, which covers places like bars and restaurants, applied to casinos as well. That may be true, but if so, doesn't that sort of raise some questions about his competence?

Because I'm evil

I think I'll get myself one of these dealies. Then, I'll start hanging around the confessionals at local Catholic churches.

Hey, I got the idea from their own commercial, where they say, "You'll never miss a church!" It's probably good for hanging out in the lobby at a shrink's office, too. I thought of that one on my own.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy 2008

Ah, a new year is upon us. A chance for a fresh start. Let us all hope that, at this time next year, we don't have quite so much we'd rather forget.