Thursday, April 30, 2009

Chris Hansen needs to book a flight to Riyadh

I know that in this "enlightened" day and age, we're not supposed to criticize other cultures, but the Saudis sure are a fucked up bunch:
A 50-year old Saudi man has agreed to divorce his 9-year-old bride, media reported on Thursday, after the marriage drew international criticism.

The decision, reported by newspapers Alwatan and Al-Riyadh, came after months of court hearings, criticism from the United Nations and an international media frenzy about Saudi Arabia's human rights practices.

"This is a good step and I think the man did it because he was in a lot of pressure from everyone," Wajeha Al-Huaider, founder of the Group for Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia, told Reuters by telephone.

Al-Huaider, who campaigned for the child, said she hoped the pressure generated by the case would eventually lead to a law banning child marriages.

The child's mother, who opposed the marriage which took place when the girl was 8 years old, took the case to court last year. The court in the small town of Onaiza upheld the marriage on condition that the husband did not consummate it until the girl reached puberty.

In Saudi Arabia's patriarchal society, which applies an austere version of Sunni Islam, fathers have the right to decide whom their daughters marry.

"Islam does not specify an age for the marriage contract. The contract is one thing and the consummation of marriage is another," Ahmed Al Modi, an Islamic scholar and writer, told Reuters.
Um, yeah. Sure. But the thing is, getting married to a little girl is just, you know, wrong. Unless you're a little boy who thinks it's a funny little playground joke. If you're a 50-year-old man, that's kind of uncool.

But I'm probably a racist for saying that.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

From Vikings to Volvos

Um, can you really blame them?
A survey suggests most Swedes believe the country's men were more masculine in the past than now.

The online survey of 1,003 people between the ages of 15 and 64, conducted by YouGov on a contract from MBT Shoes, found 51 percent of those polled -- including 58 percent of male respondents -- believe Swedish men were more masculine in the past, The Local reported Wednesday.
When you go from being known for pillaging most of Europe while wearing helmets with horns on them to socialism and furniture stores that serve lingonberry treats and meatballs, that'll kind of happen.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Weird science

I understand that this has to do with genetic research that could lead to cures for diseases, but that doesn't make it any less freaky:
South Korean scientists say they have engineered four beagles that glow red using cloning techniques that could help develop cures for human diseases. The four dogs, all named "Ruppy" — a combination of the words "ruby" and "puppy" — look like typical beagles by daylight.

But they glow red under ultraviolet light, and the dogs' nails and abdomens, which have thin skins, look red even to the naked eye.

Seoul National University professor Lee Byeong-chun, head of the research team, called them the world's first transgenic dogs carrying fluorescent genes, an achievement that goes beyond just the glowing novelty.

"What's significant in this work is not the dogs expressing red colors but that we planted genes into them," Lee told The Associated Press on Tuesday.
Boy, I can't wait until they decide to genetically engineer kittens with venomous fangs or flying snakes.

Okay, actually, flying snakes would be kind of cool. Horrifying, yes, but kind of cool.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Illegal defense fund

They say that the first rule of holes is that when you find yourself at the bottom of one, you should stop digging. Case in point:
Investigators said Jason Leigh Markham, 19, of Beloit was arrested about 4:30 a.m. April 16 after a Janesville homeowner allegedly discovered the suspect inside his car, which had been parked inside the home's garage, the Beloit Daily News reported Monday.

Officers said Markham, who was in possession of gloves, a flashlight, a global positioning system, nine CDs and seven video games at the time of his arrest, told police he and a friend had been burglarizing cars on the street.

Markham was arrested and charged with burglary, possession of burglar tools and bail jumping.

"Markham indicated that he was in serious legal trouble and was trying to get money to help pay for a lawyer," the criminal complaint filed in the case stated.
The charges he wanted to fight with the lawyer he hoped to hire with the swag he was stealing included a drug charge. Where did he get this idea on how to come up with the cash to hire an attorney? Alas, we may never know.

(It was because he was high on drugs.)

Friday, April 24, 2009

Tanked in Tokyo

It's refreshing to see that we're not the only country whose celebrities get trashed and do stupid stuff:
Media helicopters hovered overhead and photographers camped out in front of Japan's top talent agency Thursday after one of television's cleanest-cut stars was arrested for public indecency.

Tsuyoshi Kusanagi of the pop group SMAP was found drunk and naked in a public park in Tokyo in the early hours of the morning, his agency said in a statement. He was alone and shrieking at the top of his voice, media reports said.

"What's wrong with being naked?" he demanded of a police officer who tried to question him after receiving a complaint about the noise, Kyodo news agency said.
Well, there's actually nothing wrong with being naked. The problem is more that you were naked and drunk and screaming in a public place. I mean, I'm not really an expert on Japanese culture, but I'm pretty sure they frown on that kind of thing.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Someday, they'll look back at this...

...and realize that it was a stupid, kitschy idea:
"Every girl wants a fairytale wedding and I got one -- with a bit of a twist. It was a real laugh," England said.
I'll leave it up to you to click on the link if you want to find out why I think this was lame. Here's a hint, though: the groom's last name, appropriately, is Green.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Their parents must be so proud

Some world records are really cool, like setting the land spped record, for instance. But most world records are pretty lame if you think about it. Case in point:
A pair of Pennsylvania men said they broke a world record by exchanging more than 217,000 text messages in a single month.

Nick Andes, 29, of Marietta, Pa., and Doug Klinger, 30, of Berks County, said they texted each other nonstop from March 7 to April 6 to break the record of 182,000 text messages sent and received by India's Deepak Sharma in 2005, The (Lancaster, Pa.) Intelligencer-Journal reported Wednesday.
And some thirteen-year-old girl is probably going to break the record next month.

Andes, the article went on to say, racked up a $26,000 bill from his carrier for the stunt in spite of having an unlimited texting plan. They waived the bill after he told someone from the company what he was up to.
"She told me it was a violation of their misuse and abuse policy," Andes said. "She wanted to know my intentions and to assure her this was a one-time thing ... They weren't as enthusiastic about this as everybody else seems to be."
Define "everybody else." Because, really, I'm not feeling it.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Hot enough for ya?

So, since we've had record temperatures for the past few days (especially yesterday and today) the fan decided to conk out, rendering the air conditioning useless. We called the air conditioning repair guy last night right after it happened, and he said he'd be out shortly after noon today. Good news, huh? A little later, he called back and asked if it would be better if he came by shortly after 8:00 a.m. instead since he had a cancellation. Hells, yeah! Much better.

Well, the good news is that he got here shortly after eight, as promised. The bad news? He would have to find a part in order to get the fan working again, and that would take a while. Meanwhile, temperatures started creeping up. Then...he got an emergency call from a nursing home. Being noble types, we sacrificed our comfort for the sake of our elders.

Long story short, the heat was fucking brutal all afternoon, and the air conditioning wasn't fixed until almost five. I don't think I've ever seen poor little Riley pant quite so much.

Stupid fan.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Guess where this happened?

I'm gonna leave it up to you to click on this link to find out which country this happened in:
A parade celebrating the 150th anniversary of a...port's opening included a pair of 40-foot-tall mechanical spiders.
I bet you were able to guess without even clicking on the link, weren't you?

Why would they lie?

People all over the globe have had to cut back on luxuries because of the bad economy, but it's apparently not a problem for women in at least one country:
Fashion stores in high streets around the world may be suffering from the global financial crisis, but in communist North Korea women have gone on a dress-buying spree.

"Korean dress shops in Pyongyang are bustling with customers in the current spring season," the state news agency KCNA reported on Friday.

Workers had their hands full dealing with a deluge of orders, it said

KCNA quoted a worker in the Ryonghung Korean Dress Shop as saying: "All of them gasp their admiration for the graceful and fascinating costumes on show in the sample room."

The economy of reclusive North Korea is firmly in state hands and foreign analysts say it faces chronic problems, including food shortages.
So, maybe it's true, then. The women probably had to buy new dresses because they had to eat all their old clothes.

Friday, April 17, 2009


Yeah, getting smacked repeatedly with a metal object probably hurts, but I'm sure that's nothing compared to the sense of abject, utter FAIL:
Police in Wales said an 86-year-old woman used her metal crutch to beat a 26-year-old burglary suspect to tears and forced him to sit and wait for officers.

Gwyneth Davies, who is recovering from pneumonia, broken ribs and a hip fracture, told police she was on her way to bed when she discovered the man in her kitchen, The Sun reported Thursday.

Davies said she struck the man four times with her metal crutch and ordered him to sit on a stool in her kitchen while she called the authorities.
If he gets convicted and sent to prison, I'm guessing he hopes that the whole "So, how did you get caught?" question never comes up.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Penalties for early withdrawal

Man, what ever happened to just getting yourself a paper route?
A 13-year-old boy who police say was caught red-handed a block away was accused on Tuesday of robbing a bank in Peoria.

The unidentified boy was charged with felony armed robbery in juvenile court, accused of threatening a teller with a gun and demanding cash.

He was found hiding in a nearby garage about 30 minutes after Monday's robbery, stained red from a dye pack that had been placed in the bag of money.
He was subsequently sent to bed without dinner. And no television or video games, mister!

(No, actually, according to the article, they're considering trying him as an adult and seeking a 30-year prison term for the little bastard.)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


While making pizzas at Domino's may not be the most rewarding or prestigious work, doing something stupid like this isn't exactly going to get you a good refernece when you try to climb the next rung on the job ladder:
Domino's Pizza said two employees at a North Carolina location have been fired after they posted a video online that depicted them sneezing on food.

The company said the employees, who identified themselves in the video as Kristy and Michael, were fired from the store in Conover after they posted a video to YouTube that purported to show how Domino's pizzas are made, the Charlotte (N.C.) News & Observer reported Wednesday.

The video featured footage of the two workers engaging in unsanitary practices including picking their noses and sneezing on food.

The employee who used the name Kristy said in an e-mail to Domino's bosses that the video was a joke and the employees would never engage in those behaviors while preparing food for customers.
While that may be true, your dumb little video doesn't exactly reflect well on the company, now does it? Especially seeing as how some people might not get the idea that you were joking.

Oh, and I've said this before, but it bears repeating...if you're going to do something stupid and/or illegal, you might not want to post a video of your actions online. But if you're so compelled and you just have to do it, you might not want to, you know, show your faces.

On second thought, go ahead and show your faces. And be sure to give your full names. That makes it funnier for the rest of us.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Woman's intuition

Sometimes, I've been told, a woman just knows when something is wrong. Case in point:
A Hutchinson man was arrested Friday after a woman reportedly caught him naked in her apartment and stealing panties.

The 23-year-old woman had not been staying in her apartment in the 100 block of West Fifth Avenue recently because she suspected someone had been entering her bedroom and going through her underwear drawer, said Hutchinson Police Sgt. John Moore.

When the woman returned home about 8 a.m. Friday, she saw her neighbor coming out of her bedroom, naked. The man ran out of her apartment and returned to his apartment across the hall.
Needless to say, it wasn't difficult for the cops to track him down.

Man, if he makes bail and they bump into each other in the hallway, it's gonna be awkward.

Monday, April 13, 2009

He's here, he's huge, get used to it

Hey, what an elephant decides to do in the privacy of his own zoo enclosure isn't anybody else's business...
A Polish politician has criticized his local zoo for acquiring a "gay" elephant named Ninio who prefers male companions and will probably not procreate, local media reported Friday.

"We didn't pay 37 million zlotys ($11 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there," Michal Grzes, a conservative councilor in the city of Poznan in western Poland, was quoted as saying.
Now, why don't you try to be a little more tolerant of the elephant's lifestyle, Michal? Give him a chance. At least wait until he grows a mustache and starts wearing assless leather chaps before doing anything too hasty.

(Yes, I went for the esay gay stereotypes there. It's not like I'm getting paid for these jokes.)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Come here often?

They say that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If that's true, this kid from Kalamazoo, Michigan is crazy. Or just really stupid...
At approximately 1:30 Wednesday afternoon, officers observed a 17-year-old male standing in the 500 block of Ada Street, rolling a marijuana cigarette. Officers contacted the suspect and arrested him for being in possession of the marijuana cigarette and other marijuana that he had hidden under a nearby vehicle.

The suspect posted a $100 bond and was released after the booking procedure.

At approximately 2:20 Wednesday afternoon, officers observed a 17-year-old male, standing in the 500 block of Ada Street, rolling a marijuana cigarette. Surprisingly, it was the same suspect who had just been arrested for possession of marijuana and subsequently bonded out.

This time the suspect was found not only in possession of a marijuana cigarette, but also in possession of crack cocaine. Officers contacted the suspect and arrested him again.
On the one hand, he sounds like a dumbass, but on the other, it took him less than an hour to find some crack, so...uhhhh...I guess he's got that "talent" going for him.

That's cold, man

Technology has made our lives better in so many ways, but I can't say that this is one of them:
A Saudi man has become the first in his country to divorce his wife by sending her a text message.

A court in the city of Jeddah finalized the divorce, which under Saudi Arabia's Islamic Shariah law only requires a man who wants a divorce to tell his spouse "I divorce you" three times, The Daily Telegraph reported Friday.
And in addition to being an insensitive prick, the guy texted his wife from Iraq, where a newspaper said he was for "what he described as 'jihad.'" Sounds like an all around great guy, huh?

Thursday, April 09, 2009


Angels rookie pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed in a car accident this morning after making his first start of the season last night. He was only 22.

A damn shame.

Update: I should have mentioned this earlier, but the 20-year-old driver of the car, Courtney Stewart, and a passenger, Henry Pearson, 25, were also killed. Another passenger, John Wilhite, 24, is in the hospital.

Meanwhile, the driver of the minivan who struck their car, Andrew Gallo, was driving drunk and fled the scene of the accident. He had a prior DUI conviction and was driving with a suspended license. The scumbag only suffered minor injuries, and he's facing possible murder charges. I hope he rots in prison for the rest of his life.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Love, structurally

I've always been a fan of certain famous structures such as the Parthenon, the Great Pyramids, and St. Peter's Basilica, but this is ridiculous:
A San Francisco woman says her affection for the Eiffel Tower goes beyond admiration to sexual attraction and romantic commitment.

The woman had a commitment ceremony performed with the Parisian tower two years ago and changed her name to Erika Eiffel to reflect her romantic love of the landmark, ABC News reported Wednesday.

"Her structure is just amazing. You know, she's got subtle, subtle curves, you know," Eiffel, 36, said of her inanimate "partner." "I just, it's almost like I heard her crying out, saying, 'Somebody, notice me.'"
Um, I'm pretty sure that several people have noticed the Eiffel Tower over the past few decades. It's not exactly inconspicuous or anything. can I say this delicately? Having a sexual relationship with a structure like the Eiffel Tower might not exactly Also, I wouldn't necessarily consider it a "she," if you know what I mean.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

An accident waiting to happen

There are numerous reasons to be thankful for not living in Germany—not the least of which is that it's crawling with Krauts—but also because you run a substantially lower risk of being on the road with this woman:
A German woman was involved in three car accidents in less than an hour that left a total of seven vehicles damaged but she suffered only slight injuries from the series of mishaps, police said Tuesday.

The 69-year-old woman from Berlin first crashed into three cars while trying to pull out of a supermarket car park on the Baltic resort island of Usedom.

Then, she accidentally stepped on the accelerator and sped across a lawn before crashing into a nearby house, police said. She was taken to hospital in an ambulance but that vehicle was then hit by a truck.
Jeez, woman, get yourself a lucky rabbit's foot key chain or something.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Opening Day

God, it's sweet that we've come out of the dark days of winter and into the wonderful sunshine of spring, when we sweep aside the dismal NFL season and welcome the sunny 162 games of Major League Baseball. The fact that the Angels, Dodgers, and Cubs (my three favorite teams) won their opening games is just icing on the cake.

(Oh, and there was some "March Madness" stuff today, too, which is pretty stupid, seeing as how this is currently April.)

Dressed for success

I've never had to go to court as a defendant, but I've always heard that it's very important to make sure to dress appropriately:
A British woman convicted of amassing $88,500 through benefits fraud arrived in court wearing novelty socks bearing the message: "Show me the money."

Sylvia Rogers, 50, of Manchester, England, said her choice of socks was a "coincidence" after she admitted to wrongly claiming $41,000 in welfare benefits, the Daily Mail reported Monday.

"It never came into my head that I had them on," she said of her socks.
Um, I'm not exactly what you'd call vain, but I kind of check on little details like what kind of socks I'm wearing before going out to a party, much less a court appearance. I'd love to see what she'd inadvertantly choose to wear to a funeral.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Civilized discourse

Thankfully, unlike many countries around the world, we here in America have the right to lodge protests when we disagree with government officials. That said, there are better ways than this:
Officials with the Cook County Board in Illinois said a discontented audience member at a recent meeting may have left feces behind in the boardroom.

The officials said board members smelled the feces during Wednesday's meeting and County Board President Todd Stroger called a half-hour recess while boardroom staff removed the offending substance, the Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported Thursday.
I'm not a fan of giant paper-mache heads, "die-ins," and chants of "Hey-hey, ho-ho, [insert something you disagree with here] has got to go," but those things are definitely preferable to someone dropping a deuce in a public meeting.

That said, we need to free all of the political prisoners who have been jailed for urinating on the sides of buildings after a night out at a bar now! NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!!!

Green thumb grandpa

I understand that the world has an aging population and that seniors need hobbies to occupy their time, but this really isn't something I'd recommend for my own Grandfather:
Nigeria's anti-narcotics agency confiscated 6.5 tones of marijuana Tuesday from the home of a man who claimed to be 114 years old.

The National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) said it had found 254 sacks of cannabis at the home of Sulaiman Adebayo in Ogun state, north of the commercial capital Lagos.

"The quantity of drugs suggests a large scale involvement ... There is more to the case than Pa Sulaiman," NDLEA chairman Ahmadu Giade said in a statement.

Adebayo, who said he had been a farmer all his life, told police he thought the sacks contained rice.
Um, I know that peoples' senses can deteriorate with age, but if you've been a farmer for a hundred or so years, shouldn't you kind of, you know, be able to differentiate between sacks full of rice and sacks full of weed? After all, the two crops don't look, feel, or smell very similar. I'm told.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Call me an "ageist"...

...but given the fact that this story about a woman locking herself in her car comes from the Sunshine State, I'm gonna go ahead and guess this was a "senior moment":
The Kissimmee, Fla., woman told the dispatcher that the locks wouldn't work due to the electrical trouble but apologized after she was instructed to lift the manual lock with her hand, WESH-TV, Orlando, Fla., reported Wednesday.

"Um, I'm sorry," the embarrassed woman said after unlocking the door.
Okay, there are plenty of stupid people of all ages in every state, and it's possible that this was some air-headed twenty-something, but, come on, you were all thinking the same thing, weren't you?