Friday, July 29, 2011

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'd rather just download a picture of a pretty girl than write any stupid jokes, here's actress Laura Prepon:

I tried to find some cheesecake where she was a redhead, but no dice for some reason.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Slow news day

There apparently isn't much going on in New England as of late...
Rob Merlino, 47, of Natick, said he is celebrating July's National Hot Dog Month by having one hot dog for lunch each day during the month, The Boston Globe reported Thursday.

Some guy has decided to have the same thing for lunch every day for an utterly astounding 31 days straight? Whatta scoop! I mean, Pulitzer Prize, here we come!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

There's gold in them thar poops!

As a dog person (and by that I mean that I'm the owner of a dog, not a dog-human hybrid) I don't really think this is a good idea:
A city in northern Taiwan is trying the Midas touch to persuade reluctant residents to clean up after their canines: offering a chance to win gold bars to anyone handing in bags of doggy deposits.

Starting from August 1, dog owners and other residents of New Taipei City, bordering the capital Taipei, can hand in waste to government cleaning teams in exchange for tickets to a lucky draw. The prizes: three gold ingots worth T$60,000 ($2,100), T$18,000 and T$12,000.
See, I'm pretty sure that this isn't gonna result in more people picking up after their dogs so much as dog food shortages and lots of seriously over-fed dogs.

Also, is there any way to determine whether or not a piece of poop is actually real dog poop? Like a DNA test or something? Because I am almost certain that there will be, uh, "forgers."

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Used car for sale

Sounds like it only had one owner, too:
Auction house Bonhams will put under the hammer a rare Rolls Royce Phantom modified for tiger hunting by an Indian maharaja during the days of the British Raj, featuring a mounted machine gun and a cannon, that may fetch up to $1 million.

The custom-made 1925 Rolls Royce was originally commissioned by Umed Singh II, the maharaja of Kotah in the 1920s at a time when tiger hunting was hugely popular in India.
Jeepers, it sounds like tiger war was popular back then. I mean, I'm not a hunter, but I'm pretty sure that hunting (even big cats like tigers) doesn't usually involve cannons and machine guns. I mean, I thought the whole point of hunting an animal like that was that you'd have something to stuff that would look cool in your den, not little bitty chunks of meat and fur.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Oh, good Lord

You know, if he put it in someone else's yard and set it on fire, I can see how that would be a problem, but that's hardly the case here...
A New Jersey man who put a cross in his yard to mark Lent said he will fight back against township officials who forced him to take it down.

Patrick Racaniello of Livingston said he initially put a small cross on a tree in his yard to mark the Christian season from Ash Wednesday to Easter and replaced it with a larger cross when township officials informed him of an ordinance banning postings on structures -- trees included -- "calculated to attract the attention of the public," The (Newark, N.J.) Star-Ledger reported Monday.

Racaniello said he replaced the item with a larger, free-standing cross in his yard, but officials threatened him with fines and he took it down.
So, wait, does that mean that in this township, you're not allowed to put up Christmas lights when December rolls around? Or an American flag on the Fourth of July? How about a "Beware of Dog" sign on your backyard gate?

I understand that in most jurisdictions that there are certain limits on what you can put on your property--after all, I wouldn't want my neighbors putting a billboard on their roof--but let's use some common sense here, people. Putting a small cross on a tree isn't going to hurt anybody.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Since it's Friday night...

...and that's a good a time as any for comely young women, here's a pic of actress Keira Knightley, who seems to be struggling with a tank top:

A little skinny for my taste, but she sure is purty.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The "M" word

You wouldn't think that people who enjoy hanging out in the buff would be worried about offending anyone, but...
"Germany is relying more and more on immigrants to keep the population steady. But many come from countries with strong religious beliefs. They just aren't into [some German nudist association called] FKK." Immigrants who arrive from cultures where headscarves are common will not usually be interested in becoming naturists in Germany, he said.
JUST FUCKING SAY IT!!! You're talking about Muslim immigrants, and since they apparently insist on headscarves, I seriously fucking doubt that they're going to be offended if you mention that they're not into the whole "being naked in public lifestyle."

These are Muslim immigrants, and they are not interested in joining your nudist organization. They like (especially their women) to be fully, fully clothed. Regardless of whether or not you agree or even care, you can point this out, probably even without fear of a Fatwa or anything.

There, was that so hard?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Civic pride

Citizens, prepare to meet Mayor Mickey Mouse:
The races for mayor and three commission seats are wide open in the small North Carolina town of Tar Heel - because no one bothered to run.

No one has registered as a candidate for the fall elections in the Bladen County town. The story was first reported by WECT-TV.

The ballots will be printed with blank spaces for voters to write in their choices.
Having been through the petty bullshit that comprises many local government meetings, I can understand why there aren't many hardworking people willing to sacrifice a few evenings every month to have local cranks yell at them about their obsessive issues, but someone has to take care of the day-to-day business of filling potholes and cleaning out the homes of animal hoarders.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Pranks involving police equipment...

...probably aren't such a good idea:
Police in Pennsylvania said they arrested two men who broke into a police van to take gag pictures and accidentally locked themselves inside the vehicle.

Radnor police said Marlton, N.J., residents Ryan Letchford, 21, and Jeffrey Olsen, 22, left a party early Saturday and entered Constable Mike Connor's van, which had been in the parking lot of the condominium where the party was located, the Philadelphia Daily News reported Monday.

Investigators said Letchford and Olsen, who are believed to have entered the van to take gag pictures of themselves being arrested, got locked in. Police said a friend found them in the van after they failed to return to the party and called 911 because he was unable to free them.
That's actually somewhat comforting. I'm glad that some guy wasn't able to break his drunken jackass pals out of a police vehicle.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Since it's Friday night...

...and there's really nothing but bad, bad, horrible news out there as of late, here's former Real World, um, "contestant" and current actress Jamie Chung in a bikini:

She's almost smiling at you. Almost. Don't get cocky, kid.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

It's official

Hollywood is now completely out of ideas.

First, they made a teevee series. Good for them.

Then, they turned that teevee series into a couple of shitty action movies. Um, okay. Not like the first time that's happened.

Finally, the entertainment industry just quit giving any kind of shit and decided to let one of the actresses from the shitty movies produce a new teevee series based on the shitty movies based on the original series.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go write a pilot for a wacky sitcom based on Gone With the Wind. I'll call it Rhett's Rules. Or maybe Scarlett's Blues--And Grays?.

I'll make millions! So long, suckers!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Look! It's Suicideman!

I don't have any super powers, but I don't think this one is something I'd necessarily want:
An 11-year-old boy in Brazil's northeastern city of Mossoro is drawing attention with his purportedly magnet-like qualities.

The Globo TV network has broadcast images of Paulo David Amorim demonstrating how forks, knives, scissors, cooking pans, cameras and other metal objects seem drawn to his body and remain stuck on his chest, stomach and back.
Yeah, see, the thing is that the power to attract knives and scissors toward my chest or stomach seems like the kind of power that could kind of easily kill me, and I'm really more interested in being able to punch criminals really hard in the face or sneaking around invisibly in the ladies' locker room.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What a bright idea!

In a move that's sure to bolster the local economy, the geniuses who run Newark, NJ have decided to do this:
Small restaurants in the city of Newark, New Jersey will be required to have an armed security guard at night under a new law approved by the city council.

The rule comes in the wake of a drive-by shooting in May at the Texas Fried Chicken and Pizza restaurant, where an off-duty Newark police officer was killed.

Under the ordinance, approved by the council unanimously on Thursday, restaurants that serve 15 or fewer people must hire an armed guard to stand watch after 9 p.m. Those unwilling to pay for a security guard must close by 10 p.m.

"If they want to stay open that late, they should provide security. If not, they should close," said Councilman Ras Baraka, who wrote the bill, in a telephone interview.
Uh-huh. Because having some security guard standing around would have totally deterred a drive-by shooting.

Also, forcing small restaurants to close earlier, thereby cutting work hours for employees who are already probably barely scraping by on minimum wage is just a fantastic way to cut down on crime. Be sure to pat yourselves on the back when people start shoplifting things like bread and diapers like crazy.

Monday, July 11, 2011

[Redacted], Justice, and the American Way

I know a few lawyers and they (mostly) aren't the scummy, amoral types of people portrayed in the movies and teevee, but this kind of thing isn't helping:
A lawyer says he has a bone to pick about the validity of signs posted above judges' benches in Miami-Dade county courtrooms proclaiming truth is a goal.

A lawyer in a triple murder case wants the longstanding sign that reads "We who labor here seek only the truth" to be taken down, contending jurors are not always privy to the whole truth during trials, The Miami Herald reported Saturday.
Now, this guy is trying to make the point that some evidence that may be truthful is excluded from trial, but instead of arguing that truth shouldn't be mentioned in the courtroom, shouldn't you argue instead that more truth should be presented?

Seems like the less weasel-like way to go, but then again, I'm not some kind of scummy, amoral lawyer or anything.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Since it's Friday night...

...and everyone here loves new movies and casual sex, here's actress Mila Kunis, who's involved in both:

I don't know much about female fashion, but this doesn't look like a practical everyday outfit. Unless you're some kind of crime-fighting undercover hooker-detective. Which is the world's sexiest occupation. I dare you to find a sexier job.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Yeah, that's a real goldmine

Damn, this is pretty low, even for teenage punks:
Children selling lemonade in the Cleveland suburbs have told police they were robbed by teenagers who pulled up in a rusty old car and threatened to beat them up.

Eleven-year-old Omar Schpeb says he and his friends got scared and handed over their money. But he tells WJW-TV he chased the car as it drove away and the teens tossed back some of the cash.
Okay, so this sounds like it was more about scaring the kids than the money. Why bother?
The kids estimate they lost at least $13.50 to the thieves, described as two guys wearing blue hoodies and skinny jeans and three teenage girls.
Well, I guess that if you're a couple of scrawny emo pussy-boys driving a rusty old junker and looking to impress some girls by being tough guys, you really have to pick your battles.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

It doesn't always pay to advertise

Gee, I can't possibly see how anybody would have had a problem with this:
A gigantic Nazi seaside resort on Germany's Baltic coast in the town of Prora has been turned -- after decades of disuse and decay -- into one of the country's largest youth hostels.

Yet initial advertisements highlighting its Nazi past as the "World famous" Strength through Joy (Kraft durch Freude) project caused objections from local historians and led to a marketing U-turn, but not before the German media took notice.
You can kind of picture the meeting at the advertising agency...

"Say, advertising the whole connection between our vacation property and one of the world's most bloodthirsty, murderous regimes might attract some interest."

"Well, nobody else is really mining the skinhead demographic, and those guys must have at least a few bucks/Euros. What the hell--let's do this thing!"

"Seig heil!"

"Okay, I appreciate your enthusiasm for the ad campaign, but, really, that's not cool."

"Sorry. I just got carried away."

"It periodically happens."

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Buckle up!

There are laws in many states that require you to wear a seat belt when you get behind the wheel, and speaking as someone who's survived a head-on collision with a light pole, those laws make sense.

So do other laws...
Police in Connecticut said a motorist pulled over for not wearing his seat belt was arrested after drugs concealed in his buttocks fell out of his clothes.
I don't know if Connecticut (or any other state, for that matter) has a law forbidding you expressly from concealing drugs between your ass cheeks, but there really should be a law. This would protect both drug users and police officers, so both sides would win.

You know, because neither side ostensibly handles poop.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Since it's Saturiday night...

...and I forgot to post any cheesecake last night, here's a pic of Jennifer Anniston:

Ooh, sparkly!