Monday, August 30, 2010

Unwelcome guests

I can't help but think that this kind of ruined the spirit of the occasion:
Police said a baptism party where some uninvited guests arrived turned into a brawl that resulted in gunfire. Police were dispatched to the Progressive Men's Club at 2 a.m. Saturday after a caller reported gunfire. Witness Amy Manjarrez told Fort Smith television station KHBS that her uncle was pistol whipped and that others, including her father and a disk jockey, were beaten.
Okay, first of all, who the hell crashes a baptism party? Also, if you're going to crash such an event, why would you feel the need to do so armed with guns?

I mean, seriously, a few knives and clubs would probably have been sufficient.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Since it's Friday night...

...and the only reason you're here is to see a picture of an attractive woman, here's model/actress (in that order) Milla Jovovich:

Something tells me that they wouldn't have kept making those Resident Evil movies if Rosie O'Donnell had originally been cast in the lead role.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Pure logic

Seriously, Mr. Spock would be proud of these two geniuses:
It was the annual "Shop With a Cop" back-to-school event, with officers helping about 160 children pick out clothing and school supplies for the approaching school year.

But that didn't stop two men from going aisle to aisle, picking out a few items of their own.

While officers were helping out the kids, store security alerted the police they had their eyes on two young men packing their own backpacks with merchandise.

"Two guys came in and were picking through goods, cutting tags off and loading up their backpacks with blenders, shoes, clothes and tools," said Sgt. Pete Simpson, police spokesman.


The two young men stopped, Shane Alexander, 20, of Hillsboro, and Jason Vantress, 30, of Southeast Portland, were arrested and walked back to the store's security office in handcuffs.

"Initially, they said they were freaked out by all the cops there," Simpson said. "But then, they thought it would be a good time to steal, that police would be distracted."
I love the thinking (or lack thereof) that went into this heist...

Alexander: "Dude, there are a bunch of cops here. I'm having second thoughts about this."

Vantress: "I know, but they're totally not paying attention to us. They're looking after all these kids!"

Alexander: "Okay, so let's go forward with our plan to steal a bunch of stuff which, regardless of the fact that there are tons of cops here, totally disregards the fact that the store has a security staff."

Vantress: "LET'S DO THIS!!!"


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Take two asprin and call me five years from now

I swear like a sailor when I stub a toe or get a paper cut (okay, I actually cry like a baby), so I find this guy pretty impressive, if not a little oblivious:
A Polish man living in Germany went about his business for about five years without noticing he had been shot in the head because he was drunk when it happened. Police in the western city of Bochum said on Tuesday doctors found a .22 caliber bullet in the back of his head after the 35-year-old went to have what he thought was a cyst removed.

Presented with the 5.6mm projectile, the man recalled he had received a blow to the head around midnight at a New Year's party "in 2004 or 2005," but had forgotten about it because he had been "very drunk," a police spokesman said.

"He told us he remembered having a sore head, but that he wasn't really one for going to the doctor," the spokesman said.
I'm not really one for going to the doctor, either, but that has more to do with the fact that he has cold hands and I dislike sitting around in my underwear for 45 minutes waiting for him than getting shot in the head. That's the kind of thing I might notice and/or seek treatment for.

Monday, August 23, 2010

A recession-proof industry

I'm not really sure exactly what this says about New Yorkers or the economy, but...I don't know how to finish that sentence:
Sex toy sellers in New York say sales are on the rise despite the tough economic times.

Sam Bard, 36, who co-founded a sex toy store called Shag in December, said she believes the recession actually has helped her business grow, the New York Daily News reported Monday.

"Each month's been better than the last," she said. "More couples are staying at home to save money, so rather (than) spending $150 on a one-time dinner, they will spend the same amount for toys that will continue to be used indefinitely."
Well, maybe, but won't they end up going hungry?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Since it's Friday night...

...and nobody cares about what I have to say here, how about a photo of actress Maggie Q looking like a TOTAL NERD?!!

I DO make passes at girls who wear glasses. And I still get shot down.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ten items or I'll verbally abuse you

I'm not a big fan of people who take extra items to the express lane at the grocery store, but this is just a bit much:
A man who berated a woman who had more than 10 items in the express lane of a Saukville grocery store has been given a disorderly conduct citation. The Port Washington woman said she asked the express lane clerk if she could check out because there was no one in line. While she was checking out, a male customer approached and began harassing her, even calling her fat and ugly.
Although that's very rude, to be fair, there's no picture of the woman along with the article, so we have no way of knowing whether or not she actually is fat and ugly. I'm just saying is all.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Does this sound like a good place to vandalize anything?

Singapore outlaws the sale of chewing gum and has strict fines for littering and a mandatory death sentence for drug peddling. The crime rate on the sparklingly clean island nation of 5 million people is among the lowest in the world.
The answer, as this guy found out, is a resounding "Oh, hells no!"

(The chewing gum ban, if I recall correctly, was put in place because they didn't want people dropping their gum on sidewalks. A country that bans gum outright is not likely to put up with any of your shenanigans.)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


When you're on a road trip in unfamiliar territory, you might not want to ask one of the world's most famous imbeciles for directions:
A writer for "The Simpsons" said a satellite navigator outfitted with Homer Simpson's voice took him and his wife on an accidental trip to a Massachusetts city.

Mike Reiss, 50, said he and his wife, Denise, were staying with friends in Wenham, Mass., and wanted to visit the Peabody Essex Museum, but the global positioning system instead directed them in Homer Simpson's voice to the City of Peabody, a little more than 2 miles off course, The Gloucester (Mass.) Times reported Tuesday.

"We came via a GPS mistake," Reiss said. "I have a Homer Simpson global positioning system. It speaks in the voice of Homer Simpson."
Is it just me, or would it have been funnier if Homer had accidentally sent them here, instead?

Monday, August 16, 2010

I don't think he really thought this through

I don't know a whole lot about robbing banks, but I'm pretty sure it works better if the employees at the particular branch you're sticking up can't easily identify you:
The FBI says a man arrested in an Ohio bank robbery looked familiar to bank employees. Turns out, he had an account there and was one of their customers. Agent Harry Trombitas said 43-year-old Alan Garrett turned himself in Friday, two days after the bank holdup in suburban Galloway.
They also got his license plate number as he was driving away. At least he managed not to drop his wallet inside the bank branch or hand the teller a copy of his resume, but that sounds like just about all he got right here.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Since it's Friday night...

...and there's no way in hell this will ever happen to anybody who is reading this, here's a photo of Halle Berry tearing off her shirt in what looks like a moment of ecstasy (for you):

I hate to be a downer, but this sort of thing will never, ever happen to you in real life.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Friends don't let friends drink and look for work

Well, to be fair, if I was conducting a job interview, I wouldn't feel too good about hiring a dude who kept taking pulls from a flask during the process...
Job applicants who drink alcohol are perceived as less intelligent and less hireable by American bosses, a bias dubbed the "imbibing idiot bias" in a study published on Monday.

In a series of six related experiments, researchers from the University of Michigan and the University of Pennsylvania found that an association with alcohol caused observers to "expect cognitive impairment" in a job seeker.

"Merely holding an alcoholic beverage may reduce the perceived intelligence of the person," Scott Rick and Maurice Schweitzer wrote.
The article goes on to mention that this is part of an experiment where they showed a bunch of management types "a video recording of a dramatized interview over dinner between a pair of actors playing a manager and a prospective hire."

A job interview over dinner? I suppose it happens, but none of my interviews have involved a meal. They've actually all been more about fluorescent lighting and cluttered desks, though I think one guy who was interviewing me had some Chinese takeout in his office. At least it smelled like Chinese food.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Fool me once...

On the one hand, it's hard to argue with repeated success, but on the other hand, you've got to know when to quit:
A Baltimore man who admitted to faking seizures to get out of paying several restaurant tabs was sentenced to 18 months in jail.

Andrew Palmer, 43, pleaded guilty to one count of theft scheme was sentenced to 18 months in jail after prosecutors said he faked seizures to get out of paying for food between April 26 and July 21 at restaurants including Capital Grille, Burke's Cafe, Ding How Restaurant, Maisy's Restaurant, and Borinken Bar and Restaurant, The Baltimore Sun reported Wednesday.
The article goes on to note that medical personnel were called to the scene of several of this guy's "seizures" without figuring out that he was faking, which has led me to the conclusion that I never actually want to have an actual medical emergency in Baltimore.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

There's more than one way to, um, well...

I'm a dog guy, and I'm not really partial to cats (which probably has more to do with the fact that I'm allergic than anything else) but I'd still like to kick this guy square in the nuts:
Buffalo police rescued a cat from a Cheektowaga man who apparently was planning to make a meal out of his pet because he thought it was ill-tempered, authorities said Monday.

When Ferry-Fillmore District officers pulled over a car driven by Gary L. Korkuc on Sunday night during a traffic stop, they said they heard a cat crying from inside the trunk and investigated.

What they found has left animal lovers at the SPCA Serving Erie County in shock.

The cat, according to police, was in a cage “marinating” in a mixture of crushed red peppers, chili pepper, salt and oil.
Now, I'm not a master chef or anything, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to marinate the animal you plan on cooking until after it's been slaughtered and skinned. Also, I've heard that the proper place to marinate your food is in a refrigerator or cooler, not the trunk or your car. Finally—and I can't possibly stress this enough—YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT YOUR PET CAT.

(All of these culinary tips, of course, are much more pertinent if you happen not to be batshit insane.)

Monday, August 09, 2010

The naked (higher) truth

So, some cops in Nebraska apparently arrested a guy for wandering around nude near a Catholic high school and a couple of churches on Sunday morning, but he apparently had a good excuse (by which I mean that he was crazy and/or high):
The Lincoln Police Department recieved a phone call around 8:40 a.m. from a driver who saw Jason Blaquiere, 35, walking nude around A Street and Eldon Drive, about three and a half miles from his home.

Blaquiere said he was naked for a spiritual experience, police reports say.
Well, I hope that the arrest experience and the "getting added to the local sex offender list" experience were also worth it.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'll be heading out to see a bartender about a beer before too long, here's a photo of British celebrity chef Nigella Lawson:

What a dish! (Yeah,'s lame, but I don't get paid for this.)

Thursday, August 05, 2010

We're from the government and we're here to help

In my head, I'm imagining two guys in suits and dark sunglasses overturning her card table, dumping out her pitcher, and stomping on all her extra lemons:
Multnomah County's top elected official apologized Thursday for health inspectors who forced a 7-year-old girl to shut down her stand last week because she didn't have a food-safety permit.

Chairman Jeff Cogen also said he has directed county health department workers to use "professional discretion" in doing their jobs.

Inspectors told Julie Murphy and her mother, Maria Fife, to stop selling lemonade at the monthly Last Thursday arts festival in Northeast Portland last week. State law technically requires that even lemonade stands have temporary restaurant licenses, which cost $120 for one day.
They also cited her for writing one of the "E's" in the word "Lemonade" on her sign backwards.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Something something hockey

And sentences ending in "eh?":
A study of swearing habits in Canada, Britain and the United States suggests Canadians are the most likely to curse while conversing with friends.

The Angus Reid Public Opinion poll of 1,012 Canadians, 1,013 U.S. residents and 1,992 Britons, conducted online July 20-23, found 56 percent of Canadian respondents admitted to using profanity on a regular or occasional basis while talking to friends, compared with 51 percent in Britain and 46 percent in the United States.
I personally find this hard to fucking believe in.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Is it just me...

...or does this seem like a weird and off-putting way to buy a bottle of wine?
Pennsylvania residents can buy wine from vending machines but first they must pass a breath test to prove they haven't been drinking.

The state, which already controls sales of wines and spirits through a network of 620 state-run retail stores, is testing out two wine kiosks at supermarkets in Harrisburg and in nearby Mechanicsburg.

If it is successful another 98 will be rolled out across the state this autumn.

After selecting a bottle of wine from the 55 on display customers must insert a driver's license showing they are over 21, the minimum age to legally buy alcohol in the United States.

Their identify is verified via video link by a member of the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board (PLCB) who can see the customer in front of a camera installed in the kiosk.

Next customers must blow into a breathalyzer to make sure their breath-alcohol level is not more than 0.02, or just one quarter the legal limit for driving. If it is, the sale will be denied.
Okay, so let me get this order to buy a bottle of wine from these machines, you need to give your ID to some guy who you can't see who then determines whether or not you're too drunk to buy alcohol from a vending machine ("Spare any change, man?") that you have to put your mouth on.

Yeah, I think I'll stick to going to a liquor store.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Debbie does Jakarta

I like my hardcore pornography as much as the next guy, but there's a time and a place for it and this really ain't it:
Hardcore porn was broadcast on the Indonesian parliament's internal information service Monday, shocking journalists and bureaucrats who rely on the screens for updates on political events.

Hardcore images apparently taken from the Internet filled the screens used by reporters, political staffers and visitors for about 15 minutes before security guards managed to shut it off, reporters said.
Yeah. Because it takes fifteen whole minutes and a bunch of security guards to unplug some computer monitors.