Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A few months too late

Well, that's not something you see every day (outside of Boston, anyway):
Police responding to reports of a man leaping between cars in a Colorado supermarket parking lot didn't need a detailed description of the suspect.

Boulder Police Sgt. Fred Gerhardt says witnesses on Wednesday reported a man was dressed as a leprechaun and pretending to shoot at people with his fingers.
Um, while that's not exactly what I would call normal, I don't think I'd call the police over some dumbass in a costume dancing around a parking lot and making GUHHHHN FINGAS! at me. I'm pretty sure I'd just tell him to fuck off.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

If my parents did that to me...

...I would drink, too. Well, I mean, more so...
Police in Ohio say the fifth arrest of a "frequent flier" named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges is nothing to quack at.

The Massillon Police Department said Donald Norman Duck, 51, who has four previous drunken driving convictions, was arrested Saturday after allegedly bumping another car at a drive-through Saturday, WJW-TV, Cleveland, reported Tuesday.
Yes, the man's name is actually Donald Duck. His brother, Daffy, was unavailable for comment.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Cultural sensitivity

I don't pretend to know much of anything about Australian Aboriginal culture, but this seems like it might be a tad insensitive:
A woman who performed a striptease on top of Australia's giant red rock Uluru on Sunday prompted a renewed call for people to be banned from climbing the important indigenous site, a report said.

Alizee Sery, 25, stripped down to a white bikini after climbing the central Australian monolith, formerly known as Ayers Rock, in what she described as a tribute to Aboriginal culture.

"I am aware that Uluru is sacred in their culture. My project is a tribute to the greatness of the Rock," she told the Sunday Territorian.

"What we need to remember is that traditionally, the Aboriginal people were living naked. So stripping down was a return to what it was like."
Yeah, and, again, while I stress that I know little about their culture, I'm pretty sure their ancient ways had little if anything to do with publicity-seeking whore-stunts. Ancient cultures are clearly inferior to our modern world in that way.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Since it's Friday night...

...and, um, whatever, here's a photo of Eva Longoria doing some yard work:

She really should be wearing some gardening gloves. And sunscreen. That is all.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

One more for the road

Sometimes, when you've hit rock bottom, you stop and take stock. Other times, you apparently pull out a jackhammer and keep on tunneling:
Paul Nigel Sneddon, 47, pleaded guilty to careless driving and drunken driving after being nearly three times over the legal alcohol limit in a district court in the city of Palmerston North, the Dominion Post newspaper reported on Wednesday.

Police found Sneddon, a former baker, trapped in his overturned Ford Laser on June 1, drinking a can of beer after he failed to take a corner properly and crashed through a wooden barrier, flipping his vehicle.

Defense lawyer Peter Young said that when Sneddon found he could not open the doors, "he had nothing else to do at that point, so he had another beer."

When asked by police how much he had consumed, Sneddon replied: "Plenty, I've been drinking for four days straight."
And, really, why stop at that point, when you're already drunk in an overturned car, waiting to be rescued by emergency personnel?

Oh, right. Because you're drunk in an overturned car, waiting to be rescued by emergency personnel. That right there might just be a sign that it's time to lay off.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Setting a good example

I understand that the "Best at Coloring Inside the Lines Award" finals were controversial this season, but COME ON, people:
School officials placed Puesta del Sol Elementary on lockdown after a group of parents got into a fight during a kindergarten graduation ceremony Wednesday morning, officials said.


According to a witness, several mothers were involved in a verbal argument which turned physical in a field near the ceremony. At that point, several men jumped in, turning the incident into a brawl. The witness also stated someone involved in the fight possibly had a weapon.
I may have grown up in a simpler, gentler time, but I'm fairly certain that wasn't why we were only allowed to have "safety scissors" in the classroom.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Doing shots isn't always fun

I've never been shot before (and I hope that trend continues indefinitely) but I'd like to think that I'm perceptive enough that I would notice if it happened:
Tracy Durham remembers hearing the pop. But the gunshot wound the Illinois man discovered after a neighbor asked about his limp? That was a surprise.

The 48-year-old Durham told police he thinks he was shot by a friend during a party late Sunday at his home.

Police say Durham recalled calling the friend's girlfriend ugly. The Peoria man then heard a pop as he took a drink from a bottle of whiskey. But police say he felt no pain.
Yeah, well, it sounds like that wasn't the first drink he took from that bottle of whiskey.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I think it's nice and all...

...that these kids have a respect and reverence for life, but we're ultimately talking about an insect here:
Residents of a California apartment complex said they attended a funeral for a Monarch butterfly organized by local children.

The Mission Terracina Apartments residents in Vallejo said a group of about 10 children, led by 11-year-old Savone Cummings and 4-year-old Alayah Speller, made programs, a guest book and designed the service for Friday's memorial of the Monarch butterfly Cummings and Speller found dead in a carport Wednesday, The (Vallejo) Times-Herald reported Monday.

"I was very surprised the kids did this," said Cherie Duncan, Cummings' mother. "They made programs and put them at everybody's door. They were singing and saying prayers. It was just a very positive thing."
Yeah, that's nice and groovy and I'm sure good vibes were shared by all, but I hope some adult took the kids aside later and discussed how their time could be better spent by helping out at an animal shelter or some kind of project that didn't involve, you know, dead bugs.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Since it's Friday night...

...and it's been heating up around here as of late, here's the local NBC station's morning news weather gal, Elita Loresca:

For some reason, she doesn't dress like this on the air. Imagine the ratings!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Back-to-back champs

Congrats to the 2010 Lakers for winning their sixteenth NBA championship (against the hated Boston Celtics, no less!)

Now, could everyone in Downtown L.A. cut out the rioting bullshit?

(They just showed a car on fire over there on one of the local news channels, and the LAPD has been authorized to use rubber bullets.)

Update: Conspiracy theories!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Were there any explosions?

Because explosions (or maybe fire-breathing dragons) would be the only thing that could make this paragraph more insane:
A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hell's Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer.
You'll be happy to find out that the puppy was okay. And that reality is still real, at least outside of Bavaria.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm not a religious guy...

...but I'm pretty sure that this isn't the kind of thing they encourage at church festivals, even in New York:
Police in western New York said two Canadian men attended a church festival and wound up in the woods drunk, naked and covered in mud.
Okay, so they were both Canadian, so the church wasn't really at fault. Unless they played some Bryan Adams or Gordon Lightfoot music or something. That kind of thing gets Canadians all riled up. Or so I'm told.
Police said both men were highly intoxicated.
Oh, yeah. That also might have had something to do with the whole thing.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Don't do drugs, but DO make hotel reservations

Maybe it's because the houses around here aren't all that quaint and none of us serve Continental Breakfast, or maybe it's because we all tend to lock our doors at night, but this kind of thing never seems to happen in my neighborhood:
Connecticut State Police said a man they believe was on drugs mistook a home for a bed and breakfast and went to sleep in a bedroom.

Police said a Higganum couple told them they were spending time with relatives in their home when a family member went inside and found a credit card on the stairs, The Hartford (Conn.) Courant reported Monday.

Investigators said they found Walker Bruce, 45, asleep in a bedroom. Bruce told them he had mistaken the house for a bed and breakfast and left his credit card on the stairs as payment.
You know, I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, but I'm pretty sure that's probably not the proper check-in procedure.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Since it's Friday night...

...and sexy ladies go well with that particular time of the week, here's tennis player (I'm told) Maria Sharapova

"Love" is tennis-speak for "zero chance with her."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

There's a time and a place for everything

Okay, there's not necessarily a time and a place for burglarizing cars, but doing so outside of the courthouse where you're answering to theft charges is probably one of the worst times and/or places for that kind of thing:
Police say a Connecticut man who appeared at a courthouse to answer a larceny charge broke into several cars in front of the building, took a GPS unit and inadvertently tried to sell it to its owner.


When he tried to sell the GPS to its owner, an argument ensued, and a bystander called police. He has been taken into custody by judicial marshals.
The article mentions that this is his 40th arrest. I guess you just stop trying after a while.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

It's good to have goals

Well, usually it is...
A New Jersey woman is waging a campaign to become the world's heaviest living woman, admitting that she is as hungry for attention as she is for calorie-rich food.

Donna Simpson, 42, weighs more than 600 pounds (272 kg) and aims to reach 1,000 pounds (455 kg).

The mother of two children, ages 3 and 14, models on a website called, where admirers and the curious can pay to watch videos of her eating greasy foods or walking to the car.
Were this a more lowbrow type of blog, this is where I'd make a joke expressing surprise that she'd had sex at least twice, but instead, I think I'll express my condolences to her basically-already-orphaned children.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

You stay classy, Philadelphia

I know that the Phillies can't control anything like this, but, still, it reflects badly on a team I dislike, so AWAY WE GO...
The Philadelphia Phillies said a beer bottle a small child appears to be drinking from in TV footage recorded in the stands was "probably empty."

Phillies spokeswoman Bonnie Clark said the team does not condone allowing children to drink beer, regardless of what the real story is behind the footage, which depicts a small boy -- estimated to be about 3 or 4 -- in the stands during Sunday's game against the San Diego Padres with what appears to be a beer bottle in his mouth, the Philadelphia Inquirer reported Tuesday.
Well, at least he was just drinking from the bottle and not throwing it at one of the opposing players like the other Phillies fans.

Monday, June 07, 2010

The question is... did he keep them all quiet during the whole flight?
A man who smuggled Asian songbirds into the country by hiding them under his pants during a flight from Vietnam to Los Angeles was sentenced Monday to four months in prison.

Sony Dong, 46, of Garden Grove, was also ordered to pay $4,000 in restitution to federal authorities who are caring for the birds.


In April 2009, customs officials determined that Dong was scheduled to fly from Vietnam and arrive at LAX. They conducted an inspection and saw bird droppings on his socks and feathers peeking out from under his pants.
Lessons to be gleaned from this incident? Don't try to smuggle rare birds into the country. But if you absolutely have to, wear roomy pants, attach them fairly high up on your leg, and point them butts-and-tail-feathers-side-up.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Since it's Friday night...

...and you'd like me to shut up already and get to the hotness, here's actress Zoe Saldana:

To borrow a phrase from cooking shows, "Golden brown and delicious." (Okay, if that's kind of racist, we can just go with "Yummy.")

Thursday, June 03, 2010

That's low

Six feet low, to be precise:
A New Zealand funeral home has stepped in to stop a fake mourner who was attending up to four funerals a week to stock up on food, even filling up tupperware containers to take home, according to media reports.

Harbour City Funeral Home director Danny Langstraat told local newspaper The Dominion Post that the "grim eater" appeared at up to four funerals a week in March and April to enjoy the finger food but clearly did not know the deceased.


"Certainly he had a backpack with some tupperware containers so when people weren't looking, he was stocking up," Langstraat told the newspaper.
Okay, showing up to the funerals of people you don't know in order to have a snack is poor form, but doing your "grocery shopping" there is extremely fucking creepy.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

The worst call in MLB history?

Quite possibly. Hell, just look at what the umpire had to say about it:
"It was the biggest call of my career," an emotional Joyce told reporters, "and I kicked it. I just cost that kid a perfect game."
That would have been the first time in history that there had been three perfect games in one season, by the way.

Allahpundit thinks that this will result in instant replay being instituted in the near future. I don't think that would be good for the game, but I think he's probably correct that it's gonna happen.

Update: As Drew M. (no relation) points out at the Moron Mothership, both the pitcher and the ump displayed a great deal of class after the game.

Arbitrary Milestone Achieved!!!

I just noticed that the last post was my 2,000th!

It's time to celebrate, I guess.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

They put a safety on guns for a reason

Also, they sell holsters for a reason:
A Washington state man accidentally discharged his gun at a Lowe's Home Improvement store and shot himself in the testicles, police said.

Lynnwood police spokeswoman Shannon Sessions said the man was shopping at about 12:30 p.m. Sunday when his gun, which was in the waistband of his pants, went off in an apparent "accidental discharge," The Seattle Times reported Tuesday.
There's really no kind of "accidental discharge" in your pants that's ever a good thing, but that's got to be the worst kind.