Monday, February 28, 2011

Light blogging ahead

My laptop died on me a couple of times today, and I realized that it's been running really hot. I think the fan died. Until I can get it fixed, I think things will be a little quiet around here.

(Much like my non-working fan.)

Friday, February 25, 2011

Since it's Friday night...

...and we could all pretend like we needed a joke here, but that would be pointless, here's British model Lucy Pinder, hanging out in a meadow:

If she's not wearing any underpants, she'll be awfully itchy.

Oh, who the hell cares?

Happy birthday, George

My favorite Beatle would have been 68 today.

Man, it's pretty hard to believe he died ten years ago.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

See, this doesn't help

Also, it's pretty fucking disgusting:
[Paul Kausalik, 61] was taken to the police station for a formal blood test and asked to use the bathroom, police said. Officer Chad Langley said he could tell Kausalik had something in his mouth when he emerged from the bathroom.

"As I observed what he had in his mouth, I took a step back and began turning my head as he violently spit the contents of his mouth toward my face," Langley wrote in his report. "I felt the matter strike the left side of my face and head."

The report said the substance was identified as feces and Kausalik also had the waste on his hands.
Okay, I don't care how much the fact that the cops have pulled you over has angered you, stuffing poop in your mouth (much less spitting it at a cop) is just never a good idea. Seriously, most toddlers having a tantrum in a supermarket know better than that.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Those peanut butter cookies are way better anyway

This story actually kind of makes me look mature, somehow:
Police say a brawl between roommates over Girl Scout cookies led to assault charges against one of them. According to the Naples Daily News, the Collier County Sheriff's Office reports that 31-year-old Hersha Howard woke up her roommate early Sunday and accused her of eating her Thin Mints.

They argued and deputies say that it turned physical with Howard chasing her roommate with scissors and hitting her repeatedly with a board and then a sign.
You really want to go after someone who's stealing your cookies with at least a handgun.

Anything less, and the thieves won't learn their lesson.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

This needs to be developed as a sitcom right away

Just think of how epic it would be if he forgot that it was Valentine's Day:
The more, the merrier is certainly true for Ziona Chana, a 66-year-old man in India's remote northeast who has 39 wives, 94 children and 33 grandchildren -- and wouldn't mind having more.

They all live in a four storied building with 100 rooms in a mountainous village in Mizoram state, sharing borders with Myanmar and Bangladesh, media reports said.

"I once married 10 women in one year," he was quoted as saying.

His wives share a dormitory near Ziona's private bedroom and locals said he likes to have seven or eight of them by his side at all times.
Seriously, the episodes where he forgets wedding anniversaries write themselves. And fill up almost two full seasons.

Don't even get me started on the potential for (multiple) parent-teacher conferences!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Breaking news!

Gee, who could have possibly seen this coming?
Officials with Chicago Public Schools said school lunch sales have dropped about 5 percent since the introduction of a healthier menu.

The district stopped offering daily nachos, doughnuts and Pop-Tarts in favor of healthier options at the start of the school year. District officials say figures from September to December show lunch sales were down about 5 percent, about 20,000 lunches per day, from the previous year, the Chicago Tribune reported Monday

The caterer employed by the district, Chartwells-Thompson, said the new meal options exceed U.S. Department of Agriculture meal standards. However, the meals, which now include things like broccoli, peas, carrots, zucchini, rice and beans with less salt and sugar, have proven unpopular with students.
Wait, you mean to tell me that children enjoy nachos and doughnuts more than broccoli and zucchini? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!

Now that you mention it, do you mean to tell me that most people prefer nachos and doughnuts over broccoli and zucchini? Well, then, how do you explain the overwhelming popularity of green vegetable stands at sporting events?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Since it's Friday night...

...and many of us (I'm trying to be inclusive, here) enjoy images of sexy women, here's evil robot/figment of a twitchy and traitorous genius's imagination Tricia Helfer:

I guess humanity is kind of overrated.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

That seems counterproductive

Maybe it's just me, but this kind of seems like the wrong way to prove a point:
Authorities in Florida said they arrested a woman who exposed her breasts in a high school to protest another female visitor's cleavage.
The saying goes that you don't want to bring a knife to a gun fight, not that you should bring a gun to a court hearing regarding that knife fight.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'm staying out of this

The rest of you might want to try to work this shit out amongst yourselves.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Don't judge

This seems a lot less gay (NTTAWWT) once you read it in context:
Then, he heard a knock on a window from a hiker, and suddenly his long, painful ordeal was over.

"I just kissed him," Morello said of the hiker. "He looked like an angel to me."
Read it all, and rethink your concept of what it means to have a bad day. Or five.

Monday, February 14, 2011


It turns out that the Royals aren't really all that different from the rest of us:
The see-through dress worn by Kate Middleton at a university fashion show at which she caught the eye of an admiring Prince William goes under the hammer next month.

William paid for front row seats at the charity show at Scotland's St Andrews University in 2002 when Middleton strutted down the aisle in little more than her underwear as she modeled the knitted lace dress.

British newspapers always cite it as the moment William's interest in Middleton was stirred from one of mere friendship to something more serious, and they began dating soon after.
Finding true love by checking out a girl in her underpants isn't exactly like picking up a glass slipper after a fancy royal dress ball, but I guess that's kind of how life works out in the real world.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Since it's Friday night...

...and I've reached my quota of stupid jokes for the week, here's Colombian model and actress Sofia Vergara:

I bet you didn't even notice how perfectly her shoes matched the shade of lipstick she's wearing and vice-versa. What?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Feel the need to be nude outside? There's an app for that.

I've long maintained that nudists are most often the last people you'd want to see in their, um, natural state, so if I had an iPhone, I might download this app just so I could avoid any places where they might turn up:
The Florida-based American Association of Nude Recreation said its free "Nakation" iPhone application has been downloaded nearly 800 times.

The Kissimmee group, which bills itself as the nation's oldest and largest nudist organization, said the "Nakation" app went online last month as part of the association's efforts to keep its nearly 50,000 members connected via social media and updated on the latest nudist news, the Orlando Sentinel reported Thursday.
Say, it's not like these people have pockets, so where do they keep their iPho—oh, damn. I almost went down a really horrifying path right there.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

European swimming just got creepier

As if the heavyset guys in speedos weren't bad enough...
A local authority in England has given the go ahead for a swimming pool to use energy created by the next-door crematorium to heat its water.

The plan, the first of its kind in Britain, will see waste heat from the incinerator chimney used to warm up the neighboring leisure center and its new pool.
I guess it's a shame to let energy go to waste, but couldn't they use it to heat an orphanage or something? A game of Marco-Polo fueled by dead people is just...yeesh.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Cable network announces pointless waste of time

You already know this is a dumb idea since everyone knows that Bigfoot lives somewhere in Oregon:
Cable network Animal Planet said a camera crew will join a Bigfoot search led by a North Carolina man who claims to have videotaped the legendary ape in 2009.

Tahli Kouperstein, director of communications for the Animal Planet, said the camera crew will follow Bigfoot seeker Michael Greene of Salisbury as he looks Saturday for the Sasquatch in the Uwharrie National Forest in Montgomery County, the Charlotte Observer reported Monday.
Um, if we actually wanted to watch a bunch of dumbasses wander around in the woods for hours without finding anything, we could just rent a copy of The Blair Witch Project.

Friday, February 04, 2011

Since it's Friday night...

...and blah, blah, blah, here's a photo of pop star Rihanna...

Listening to her is terrible. Looking at her is better.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Tiny clue trips up criminal mastermind

This is one of those criminal cases where the CSI people probably feel insulted:
Police in Maryland arrested a man after finding his cell phone charging at the scene of a burglary.

Now Montgomery County police say 25-year-old Cody Wilkins has been charged in other burglaries.

It began when a homeowner's son arrived as a burglar was going through rooms in the home Friday. Startled, the burglar jumped out a window and fled.

The son called police, who searched the home and found a cell phone charging in an electric socket. The phone led police to Wilkins.
I suppose they could call for the forensics team to dust the phone for prints or swab it for the suspect's DNA, but that would kind of be gilding the lily, huh?

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

You know what's great about really stupid people?

Other than the fact that they're often hilarious (and supply much of the material here), they also make you feel better about all of the relatively minor stupid decisions you've made in your life:
Tenants using a hole in the floor as an ashtray apparently started a house fire in North Portland today that caused $30,000 in damage, fire officials said.

"If that's true, it shouldn't be a surprise that there was a fire," said Portland Fire spokesman Paul Corah. "That's not careless smoking, that's stupid smoking."
I've done some pretty stupid shit in my day, but it all pales in comparison to that. I can honestly say that at least none of my dumbassery has ever resulted in a major fire.

I mean, seriously, you couldn't just put your butts in an empty beer can? I mean, you know that there was no shortage of empty beer cans in that house.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

I'm not exactly a fan of political correctness

That said, damn, you lads might want to tone down the fucking stereotypes just a wee bit:
Mexico's ambassador in London has written a furious letter to BBC bosses to complain about "offensive and xenophobic" comments made by presenters of the popular TV motoring show "Top Gear."

Ambassador Eduardo Medina Mora was infuriated by "insults" made by presenters Richard Hammond, Jeremy Clarkson and James May during Sunday's episode of the cult show, which has been sold to television channels around the world.

"Why would you want a Mexican car? Because cars reflect national characteristics don't they?," said Hammond as they discussed the Mexican sports car, the Mastretta.

"Mexican cars are just going to be lazy, feckless, flatulent, overweight, leaning against a fence asleep looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat."
They went on to imply that Mexican officials wouldn't complain about their remarks because they would likely be snoozing through the episode. This was obviously not the case, seeing as how the show ran in prime time, and not during the middle of the afternoon.

I kid. I kid because yo te amo.

Also, they apparently referred to Mexican food as "refried sick," which is pretty ballsy for people with a culinary heritage that's a worldwide punchline. On the other hand, the Mexican food that's available in England is probably pretty close to just that. If Taco Bell is crap here, just imagine what it's like in a land where they probably have a "Boiled Mutton Burrito Supreme."