Monday, November 30, 2009

I hate Christmas shopping as much as the next guy...

...but, dude...
Officers went to the store about 5:15 p.m. Saturday to find a bloody-faced Eberle brandishing the hammer. Customers were streaming out the front doors, according to police reports.

A witness said Eberle smashed televisions while saying “hammer, hammer, hammer” in a monotone voice. Another witness said he “had a glazed look in his eyes and was walking like Frankenstein,” reports said.
Aside from going on a rampage like that—which was in pretty poor taste to begin with—the whole "Frankenstein" thing isn't very seasonable. Halloween was last month.

Oh, and Frankenstein was the scientist, not the monster. How exactly do you walk like a scientist?

Friday, November 27, 2009

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'm still suffering from a turkey hangover, here's a pic of Jennifer Love Hewitt:

Those are some nice, um, pits you've got there, Jen.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone is able to spend this day with friends and family, fighting over the remote, sniping at each other about the proper way to prepare various side dishes, and eventually sitting down to a pleasant meal and sharing the things that they're truly thankful for.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Should have known better

Well, this is fun:
The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration said Joseph Imperato, 53, a lawyer in the Miami-Dade County public defender's office, was accused of selling a total 45 tablets of the powerful painkiller to the undercover police detective on two occasions this month, The Miami Herald reported Tuesday.

Investigators allege Imperato took a total $700 from the detective for the pills.
The article goes on to say that he "may" be suspended from the Public Defender's office because of this.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Stay in school, kids

You probably shouldn't ditch school to rob a bank, but if you feel like you absolutely have to, you might not want to do so in quite such an ironic fashion:
A local 17-year-old boy skipped school on Thursday to rob a bank –– but the police said his misspelled note to the teller led to his arrest that afternoon.

Capt. Sean Collins said the teen walked into the Coastway Community Bank branch at 2089 Warwick Ave. Thursday morning and handed a note to the teller. The handwritten note, riddled with misspelled words, demanded money or “everyone will be shot,” Collins said.
Oh, and you also might not want to leave your fingerprints on the note you used to rob the bank. Or appear clearly on the bank's security cameras.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Stanfurd sucks!

Cal wins the 112th Big Game 34-28 and The Axe stays where it belongs.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Since it's Friday night...

...and the people visiting here are more than likely from The Hostages...

Um, yeah.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Excuse me?

I don't know a whole lot about robbing a store, but I'm sure speaking clearly helps:
Volusia County sheriff's deputies said Carlie McDuffie, 24, walked into a Family Dollar store and told an employee to hand over money from the register in a quiet voice that the clerk either didn't hear or didn't understand, the Orlando Sentinel reported Thursday.

Sheriff's spokesman Brandon Haught said the 34-year-old clerk asked McDuffie what he needed and the suspect repeated the demand in the same whispered tone. The clerk again asked what he needed, and McDuffie said "forget it" and left the store, Haught said.
The cops arrested him half an hour later after the clerk realized that he was trying to rob the place, but I think he has a decent defense. I mean, how can the clerk testify that he was trying to rob the place when he or she couldn't initially figure out what was going on?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wow, he gets great gas mileage!

Nine hours and four hundred miles without stopping? That's amazing!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

In this economy...'s tough to make a living. Especially when you're working as a door-to-door salesman:
A 19-year-old Brownsville man is jailed on a drug charge after he allegedly went door-to-door trying to sell marijuana. A Brownsville police spokesman says Anthony Carrazco's alleged scheme went awry when he knocked on a police officer's apartment door.

Spokesman Jimmy Manrrique says the episode happened Thursday downtown near the University of Texas-Texas Southmost College campus. He says Carrazco appeared to be intoxicated and allegedly had three ounces of marijuana with him that he tried to sell door-to-door. Finally, Carrazco knocked on the off-duty police officer's door. The officer "said he would be right back and went to get his badge and handcuffs."
Well, I guess Carrazco probably would have been able to pawn the badge and handcuffs for a few bucks, but I think he was actually looking for cash upfront for the weed. I'm pretty sure that's how those transactions usually work.

Oh, wait...

Monday, November 16, 2009

Raise the threat level!

Okay, so this is incredibly stupid...
Officials at a Massachusetts high school that banned the word "meep" have been receiving e-mailed complaints about the move, police said.

Danvers Police Sgt. Robert Bettencourt said officials from Danvers High School have sent him carbon copies of six e-mails complaining about the decision to ban "meep," a word popularized by Beaker from "The Muppet Show," the Boston Herald reported Monday.
And why did they feel the need to generate this pointless, relatively tiny (ooh, six whole e-mails!) controversy?
Principal Thomas Murray said the ban was put in place because of a plan posted to Facebook for a major disruption involving the word "meep."
Oh, God! It's like Columbine all over again!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Since it's Friday night...

...and whoever is actually here is looking for some hotassery, here's Eliza Dushku...

I tried to find a version of this where her hands weren't cropped out, but I got tired.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

If, at first you don't succeed... know the rest:
Manjit Singh, a 59-year-old security consultant from Leicester, England known as the "Ironman," on Thursday pulled a double-decker bus weighing more than eight metric tons over a distance of 21.2 meters with his hair.

The new record was set in central London to coincide with the fifth annual Guinness World Records Day, which organizers said prompted thousands of people around the world to set some bizarre benchmarks of their own.

For Singh, his latest achievement makes up for the disappointment of 2007, when he failed to break the record for the furthest distance to pull a double-decker bus with the ears.

"I will never be discouraged by defeat, because I know that success can be waiting around the next corner," he said. "The only way to get there is to try again and stay positive."
That's a wonderfully positive attitude, but you might want to reflect on the idea that you didn't wind up having "the ears" ripped off your head a couple of years ago, disappointment or not.

Still, good job. As someone who continues to try to set the record for most consecutive years without trying anything ridiculous, I salute him.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thank You

Happy Veterans' Day to everyone who has ever honorably served our country in uniform.

Those of us who haven't served owe you a huge debt of gratitude.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Imagine if you'd used it for Hannukah presents

Um, how did you not notice this at the store?
Casey Lehman of Seminole County said the wrapping paper, which she purchased at Dollar Mania in the Altamonte Mall, was covered in symbols that her mother and fiance agreed were Nazi swastikas, WESH-TV, Orlando, reported Tuesday.

"If I had sent this out on my Christmas gifts and someone had pointed it out to me I would have been mortified. I would have been really embarrassed," Lehman said.
You know what would make an excellent stocking stuffer for Ms. Lehman this Christmas? A new pair of glasses.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Crime wave!

Cops in Connecticut (try saying that five times fast) are apparently dealing with a rash of crimes. Bank robberies? Auto thefts? Home burglaries? Um, not exactly...
In one of the largest recent cases, a 21-year-old Stratford man was charged with shoplifting about $800 worth of Orbit chewing gum from stores in Stratford, Bridgeport and Fairfield.

In West Hartford, police have investigated four gum theft complaints since June, including one in which a 21-year-old Enfield man was charged with stealing $175 in gum from a local supermarket.

Police in West Hartford and elsewhere said gum thieves want something they can sell quickly, often to make money to support a drug addiction. That's what the man who allegedly swiped several hundred packs of Orbit in Stratford, Bridgeport and Fairfield told police.
Um, is there some kind of massive gum tax in Connecticut which I didn't know about that makes buying gum on the black market more attractive than buying it at a convenience store or gas station?

Friday, November 06, 2009

Since it's Friday night...

...and, um, whatever, here's a picture of Elizabeth Banks looking retro-hawt:

It's like the my pants! (Yeah, I know that it doesn't make any sense. You come up with something better.)

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Horse senseless

I know it's traditional for people to drink mint juleps at the Kentucky Derby, but I'm pretty sure most of them exercise a certain degree of moderation. And I'm almost positive that the jockeys don't guzzle them before the race:
Despite a drinking ban mayhem erupted at a traditional Mayan horse race on Sunday with riders falling off their horses and drunken spectators stumbling through the mountain village.

Hundreds of tourists and locals gathered for the annual spectacle in Todo Santos Cuchumatan on Sunday to cheer the dozens of riders charging back and forth along a 330-foot (100-meter) length of road for up to seven hours.

But the macho test of stamina was marred, as it has been in the past, by the copious amount of homemade spirits the riders consume, sometimes for days before the race.

At least two Mayan riders fell off their horses during this year's race, and one was carried away by bystanders after being trampled in the mud. Another man walked away from the track with a bloody face.
Um, is it just me, or does that sound pretty awesome? I mean, people go to NASCAR races for the crashes, right?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Candid camera

If you're a pervert who wants to tape a bunch of people going to the bathroom, well, I hesitate to give you any advice, but...
The Simi Valley Police Department said Joseph David Ramon Moreaux, 28, of Lancaster, Calif., accidentally taped himself hiding the camera between boxes in the corner of a store restroom used by both men and women, KTLA-TV, Los Angeles, reported Tuesday.

The camera was discovered Sunday by a female patron who alerted police
to its presence. Officers said they found the video of Moreaux hiding the camera on the device.
I would normally make a joke here, but it doesn't really seem necessary. Instead, I'll just say "dumbass," and leave it at that.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Drunk dialing saves lives

I can't be certain, but I suspect this woman's ex might be a 911 operator...
"Somebody's really drunk driving down Granton Road," Mary Strey said during an Oct. 24 call to 911, according to tapes.

Trying to determine the location of the reported drunk driver, the dispatcher asked Strey: "Okay are you behind them, or..."

"No, I am them," Strey said, according to MyFoxAustin.

The dispatcher verified, "You am them?"

"Yes, I am them," said Strey.
Sounds like she should have been arrested by the Grammar Police.

(No, not really. Even if there were such a thing as the Grammar Police, drunk driving is a much more serious offense.)