Midnight in SoCal

I just got back from buying a pack of smokes at the local CVS. In front of me in the line was a guy covered in tattoos from his neck to his wrists. Behind me was a woman in a full head-to-toe burqa.

(In case you're wondering, I was wearing a T-shirt, shorts, and a Cubs cap.)

I should hope so

The title of this refers to both of the following statements from the not quite poetically-named Bart de Zwart:

"This was by far the hardest thing I've done in my life," he said. "I'm glad I did it but I don't think I'll do it again."

You're going to have to click on this link to find out exactly what this guy did.

Mother's milk

You know, I like breasts as much as the next guy, but I'm pretty sure that using them to fight the cops isn't a good idea:

[Stephanie] Robinette's husband told authorities the pair had been attending a wedding when his wife got drunk and started a dispute. He said that she hit him multiple times before locking herself in her car outside a banquet facility on Saturday.

Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said that when police approached the car to speak to her, she yelled profanities and refused to get out.

"When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle she advised the deputies that she was a breastfeeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk," Davis said.

Um, I don't know much of anything about being a "breastfeeding mother," but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be boozing it up while you're doing that.

Also, you might not want to fight with the cops if you have small children who require your attention, but what do I know?

Bed, bars, and breakfast

Gee, this sure sounds like fun:

Officials in a Missouri county said they are celebrating the opening of a new jail with a "Bed, Breakfast and Bars" promotion open to the public.

The Cole County Commission and Sheriff's Office said the event, which will be held July 15 or 16, will allow participants to spend the night in a cell with dinner, breakfast and facility tours included for the price of $30 per person, the Jefferson City (Mo.) News Tribune reported Monday.

There's no word in the article about whether or not the jail administrators will be offering their guests "toilet wine" with their meals.

Since it's Friday night...

...and we're nostalgic about the late 80s/early 90s, here's Cindy Crawford:

The mole that launched a thousand ships.

Somewhere in Africa...

...a starving child goes, "Oh, what the hell, people--Can I just get some fucking rice?!!"

Move over funnel cakes and corn dogs, deep-fat fried Kool-Aid is here.

"Oh, the moment of truth," said Joe Cocoba, a 31-year-old nursing student before biting into the glistening brown dough ball with a pink fluffy interior. "I can taste it (the Kool-Aid)! It's good."

People who know me can attest that I'm far from a bleeding-heart liberal or an especially hardcore advocate for healthy eating (the former and the latter are pretty much even in terms of what doesn't define me), but when we've come to a place where we're deep frying fucking Kool-Aid, we're on the verge of Ancient Roman-style decadence.

Cocoba said biting into a kid's drink only made him want to try more of Chicken Charlie's other deep-fried offerings such as Klondike bars, Girl Scout cookies, Twinkies, avocados and the ultimate cholesterol-builder: A Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich. Yes, it's two deep-fried doughnuts with a chicken breast squashed between them.

Aw, fuck it. We're already there. Welcome, Visigoths!!!

No, REALLY?!!

You know, I really missed the boat on the whole scientific research as an easy career thing:

A recent study by Texas researchers proves what single men have known for a long time: Chicks dig hot cars.

Men who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single than their financially conservative counterparts, researchers at the University of Texas at San Antonio said.

Other results found that water was wet and that water from France was more expensive than water from America (at least in America). Also, buying the water from France for someone else is more likely to get you laid than buying them some American water that costs less. Because, money.

You've got to spend money to make money

This is a truism that usually applies to entrepreneurship, but in this case, it applies to thievery, too:

Fort Lauderdale police said the unidentified robber pointed a gun at an employee of the 1939 NW Ninth Ave. Family Dollar store June 1 and ordered a second clerk to open the register, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reported Monday.

However, the clerks explained they could not open the register unless a purchase was made, and the robber took $1 from his pocket and paid for a pack of gum, police said.

Police said the man fled with the money from the register, including his $1.

Sure, this is just another armed robbery story, but what fascinates me here is the fact that all the parties involved pretty much played by the rules. Yeah, the suspect um, kind of robbed the place and took off with the money, sure. Which is plenty wrong by any standard. But the clerks insisted that in spite of being threatened with a gun, they couldn't open the register unless he bought something.

The gun-toting thug then proceeded not only to select an item from the store's inventory, but to also fish out a dollar from his pocket and pay for it. Pretty much because they asked him to, in spite of the fact that he was holding them at gunpoint.

I've never been the victim of an armed robbery before, but I'm pretty sure that if a guy with a gun said, "Okay, just pretend like I bought a pack of gum--or not, it's really your choice--and you open the register and nobody gets hurt regardless of the store policy," I think I'd go along with that.

Since it's Friday night...

...you know, I just don't feel like it. If you'd like to suggest an attractive woman in some state of undress for next week's sexy lady pic, go ahead and leave it in the comments. Novelty requests will not be considered, so save your men in drag, Rosie O'Donnell, and men dressed up as Rosie ideas for some other, more late-Octoberish time.

The important thing is that everyone has fun

Interim chamber president Blue Hessner says the chamber wants to sell rights to the event and concentrate on business development.

According to the Boulder Daily Camera, the event has become too expensive and the chamber believes an event company could do a better job.

I'll let you go ahead and click here to find out why this thing probably has somewhat limited appeal.

The "peace treaty" isn't the joke here

Okay, seriously, just wait for it...

A handshake wasn't enough for two Malaysian neighbors embroiled in a lengthy and bitter feud sparked by complaints over barking dogs -- the two actually signed a peace treaty.

The three-year battle began when one of the men complained to the police in Malaysia's southern Johor state, where they lived, about his neighbor's noisy dogs, the Star newspaper reported.

The dog owner retaliated by playing loud music at night, throwing cans of paint into his neighbor's house and driving his car into the gate. His neighbor filed a counter complaint about the music.

Aaaaaaand, there it is.

You know, maybe it's just me, but I think I might have filed a complaint about, you know, the violent acts of vandalism instead of the music.

Although, on the other hand, I know nothing about Malaysian music, so some of it might be more horrible than throwing paint or crashing your car into your neighbor's property.

The truth is out there

There are forces in this universe which cannot be explained. Mysteries that conventional science and forensic investigation are powerless to solve. Case in point:

The Florida Highway Patrol said James Scarborough, 49, of Golden Gate Estates, was taken to Physicians Regional Hospital with minor injuries Sunday after he apparently crashed his motorcycle into some trees and became pinned under the vehicle, the Naples Daily News reported Tuesday.

Police said Scarborough was shouting profanities and attempting to leave his hospital bed when they arrived to interview him. They said he denied crashing his motorcycle and told them he had become pinned under the bike due to the actions of the "boogeyman."

Clearly, this bears some further paranormal investigation, where a real-life Mulder and Scully are dispatched to Florida to find out whether or not there is evidence (which will prove inconclusive by the end of the episode--or case), right?

Officers said they smelled a strong odor of alcohol on Scarborough's breath.

Oh. Huh. Never mind.

This must have been a fun report to write

Well, that sure clears things up...

Police say a Washington man who was holding a dead weasel when he assaulted his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend was actually yielding a mink carcass.

It's all good, though, as she was later presented with a lovely coat.

Since it's Friday night...

...and that means looking at pictures of sexy women, how about this one of sitcom actress Cobie Smulders, eh?

Yeah, she's actually Canadian. You can tell by the mis-matched underwear. And the fact that she's wearing a sweater on top of it.

I can think of a few others

Germany may not be known for humor, but is it really the least funny country in the world?

The Germans have been voted the world's "least funny nationality" in a global poll, which names Americans the funniest overall and the Spanish the most amusing Europeans, ahead of the Italians and French.

Um, North Korea, Sudan, and Cuba come to mind as a few countries which probably have a little less to laugh about than Germany as of late.

Patty Ann, RIP

I've experienced the loss of friends and family members, but something different happened today. I lost someone who I had only ever interacted with online.

If you hit that link and are confused by the picture of Jessica Rabbit at the top of the page, I wouldn't blame you. It's because Patty Ann used a pic of that cartoon character as her avatar online. I have no idea what she looked like, though I've been told she actually was a beautiful redhead.

I actually had kind of an ongoing "bit" with PA, where I would ask her "Patty Ann, why don't we ever talk?" She would give various replies, but it usually either boiled down to the fact that I was creepy or that I was too shy to actually talk to someone as sexy as she was. She was a good sport, and I know that at least a few people found our back-and-forth funny, myself included.

Something happened a while back where a member of our online community suffered a family tragedy, and she took it upon herself to organize donations for his family and the charitable organization that they subsequently set up. Her spirit really shone through during that trying time.

Patty Ann had been suffering through some health problems for a while, and she'd been hospitalized for a few weeks. Before passing away, she had to have one of her legs amputated, and she had to have another serious medical procedure involving her arteries. Thankfully, she had angels like Cathy and her family there with her throughout the ordeal.

We know people in different ways these days. I've interacted with a lot of people who I think of as friends, but I've never met them in "meatspace." There have been a few where that's overlapped. Would it have been better if I'd been able to give her a hug just once? Of course! But I'd still like to think that we were friends.

This comment from The Hostages is spot on:

Comment by Hotspur on June 7, 2011 10:04 am

You know how we joke about fake internet friends?

This does not feel fake.

Hopefully, if I'm good enough, we'll finally get a chance to talk someday.

Update: If you're so inclined, you can donate at a link here.

Wish granted

A man once said that you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Case in point:

The Delaware State Police said they responded to a complaint at the Super Lodge Motel in Newcastle at about 6 a.m. Saturday and the troopers were approached by Teiera Rider, 20, who they said was "demanding" to be taken to jail, the Philadelphia Daily News reported Monday.

Troopers said Rider refused their requests for her to calm down and she is accused of kicking and spitting at them as they placed her under arrest.

Rider was charged with resisting arrest, offensive touching of law-enforcement officers, criminal mischief, underage drinking and disorderly conduct.

And then, because they didn't want to reward her for her bad behavior, they refused to take her to jail.

(Just kidding. That would have been stupid.)

Since it's Friday night...

...and pretty ladies are the norm here, how about Playboy model Sung Hi Lee?

Far be it from me to criticize anyone else's fashion sense, but boots and underwear is not a look I would go with. I'm just saying is all.

Can't drive 55?

You might want to move to New York:

Groninger says state law lists only six municipal locations that require advance notice of defects: sidewalks, crosswalks, streets, highways, bridges and culverts.

Four judges say this parking lot serves the "functional purpose" of a highway, "open to the use of the public for purposes of vehicular travel."

I'll leave it up to you to click on the link, but the ruling basically means that you can legally* drive around New York's parking lots at about 65 MPH.

*I should note here that I am not an attorney licensed by the New York State Bar Association or any other state Bar Association, for that matter. I do not even play a lawyer on TV. Any legal advice followed as a result of advice offered here is an attempt at internet comedy, not actual lawyer stuff.

At least they didn't "woof" at her

I guess I kind of don't get Australian politics:

A meowing Australian senator touched off a political row in Canberra on Wednesday after his cat imitation directed at Finance Minister Penny Wong sparked accusations that the opposition behaved like sexists and goons, and were feral.

Liberal Tasmanian Senator David Bushby meowed at Wong at a hearing when Wong - Australia's first Malaysian-born and first openly gay cabinet member - fought constant interruptions.

A visibly livid Wong snapped, "Oh yes, why don't you meow when a woman does that? ... The blokes are allowed to yell, but if a woman stands her ground, you want to make that kind of comment.

"It's sort of schoolyard politics, mate."

Um, I did a two-second Google search, and it seems that Wong is a woman, so that seems somewhat confusing, even if she happens to be a lesbian. Also, is "meowing" at someone an insult in Australia?

Actually, considering that Australia is full of poison-dripping spiders and kangaroos that will beat you to death, comparing you to a kitty cat is probably a pretty clever way to call someone, well, a pussy.