He dresses up in women's clothing and hangs around behind bars

You know, I have no idea why a lingerie shop wouldn't hire this...uh, individual:

Police say a man dressed as a woman repeatedly crashed his car into a suburban Detroit lingerie store that had refused to hire him earlier this year.

Oakland County Undersheriff Michael McCabe said Jeremy McIntosh, 27, was arrested Saturday night outside the Intimate Ideas store in Commerce Township, 25 miles northwest of Detroit. Damage to the store was estimated at $3,000.

McCabe said McIntosh was wearing "facial makeup, lipstick, blue Capri pants, red 'flip-flops,' a flowery blouse and a matching flowery women's bra." McIntosh told deputies he is homeless and wanted to go to jail because he had nowhere else to go.

Click on the link to take a look at the dude what looks like a lady. Well, actually, he doesn't look all that much like a lady. More like, well...

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Happy Losers Day, loser

You know, I can admit that I'm not real smooth with the ladies, and I'm fine with that, but I'm not sure how a whole holiday designed specifically to remind me of that fact would really help me to feel any better. Apparently, South Koreans don't see it that way:

It was a Black Day for love in South Korea on Monday with lonely hearts trying to ease their pain by diving head first into bowls of noodles.

South Korea celebrates Valentine's Day, where local custom dictates women give gifts to men. It has taken on a popular event born in Japan but sweeping Asia known as White Day on March 14 when men return the favor with gifts for women.

But Black Day, on April 14, is a South Korean original. It is marked by people who have not found love dressing in dark colors and commiserating over meals of black food, with the dish of choice being Chinese-style noodles topped with a thick sauce of black bean paste.

"I had a miserable time on Valentine's Day, felt even lonelier on White Day and now I'm crying over a bowl of black noodles," said a young women who asked only to be identified by her family name Na out of embarrassment.

"Things better be different next year."

Or what, exactly? You'll sulk and eat black noodles again, probably.

At universities across the country on Monday, students without lunch dates ordered black noodles, dined with other lonely hearts and searched for companionship.

South Korea marketers have hatched special days for the 14th of each month to create a calendar laden with love.

Some days have gained traction such as Black Day, while others such as Green Day in August, when couples are supposed to drink cheap liquor that comes in green bottles and walk in the woods, have yet to attract much of a following.

I don't know about walking in the woods, but getting liquored up on cheap booze with your sweetheart sounds like fun. You'd think that would catch on.

Black Day events have snowballed, with a major matchmaking service this year providing an evening of speed dating where the dish of choice is sushi blackened by squid ink.

Um, yeah. That sounds real appetizing.

D'oh!

In ordinary circumstances, it kinda sucks to leave something behind on a train, but in this case, it really, really, really (like, times four hundred thousand) sucks to have left something behind:

A retired shipping consultant said he lost an expensive 17th-century violin after forgetting it on a train. Rob Napier said he did not realize the instrument, made by master Venetian craftsman Matteo Goffriller in 1698, was still on the train's luggage rack until it began pulling out of the station.

"I think you can imagine the awful, kind of pit-in-your-stomach feeling," Napier, 67, told The Associated Press in a telephone interview Monday. "My first instinct was: Can I jump on top of the train? But that was obviously stupid."

Napier said he was on his way home to Bedwyn, some 70 miles (115 kilometers) west of London, on Jan. 29 after retrieving the violin from an expert who had valued it at about 200,000 pounds (US$390,000; euro245,000). Napier called the train company, but by the time the train reached its final destination, the instrument was gone.

Um, if I had just picked up a violin from an expert who had told me that it was worth four hundred thousand bucks, I don't think I could possibly leave it in a luggage rack. Probably because I'd be clutching it, white-knuckled, to my nerve-wracked body the entire way home. And even when I got it home, I might have trouble putting it down.

Criminally stupid

What's the worst possible place to try to pass off counterfeit money? This criminal mastermind sure found out:

Police say it was no surprise a bogus $50 bill got a Long Island man arrested: He was trying to use it to pay his bail on a traffic charge. The transaction compounded Cyheam Forney's legal problems and landed him in jail.

Police say they spotted the 31-year-old Forney making an illegal left turn in Melville on Thursday and discovered his license had been suspended.

Forney was arrested on a misdemeanor suspended license charge — until officers said he proffered the counterfeit currency as bail money. He was being held early Friday on a felony charge of possessing a forged instrument.

You know, I've been sitting here for a good five minutes trying to think of something funny to write here, but I'm drawing a blank here, foax. I've actually been struck dumb by this guy's stupidity.

Spooky

We went out to dinner tonight to celebrate my mom's birthday (I cheated hard on my new diet, eating a New York strip steak, drinking a Martini, and having wine with the meal) and, afterward, we headed out to the parking lot. I started whistling this, which my brother informed me was a song he absolutely hates. I don't even know why that song popped into my head.

During the car ride back, we were listening to a jazz station, which was playing an instrumental version of some Stevie Wonder tune. I think it was "Isn't She Lovely." During one of the guitarist's solos, he played a riff from the chorus of...that same song.

Weird. I should have won the lottery a long time ago, except for the fact that God hates me. He hates me so much.

Ladies on lockdown

I get the symbolic gesture here, but wouldn't it be easier to just put up signs? Like, "No sex, please, we're just masseuses. No, really."

Massage parlors in an Indonesian town are asking their female masseuses to padlock their skirts and pants to make it clear that sex is not on offer. But the move has been protested by the women's affairs minister of Indonesia, where massage parlors are often a front for prostitution.

"It is not the right way to prevent promiscuity," Meutia Swasono was quoted as saying in Thursday's Jakarta Post. "It insults women ... as if they are the ones in the wrong."

Well, if they're exchanging sex for money, and if prostitution is illegal there, well, they kind of might be in the wrong there.

At least one parlor in the tourist town of Batu on Java island has required its masseuses to padlock their skirts or trousers to make it clear that the establishment does not tolerate prostitution.

Others in the town started following suit after local officials suggested it was a good idea at a recent meeting with parlor owners. TV footage and photos have shown several masseuses with small padlocks in the zip of their pants or skirts in recent days.

Well, then, problem solved.

Stalk show host

Most of my friends know I've been a fan of Conan O'Brien since he took over Late Night back in 1993. That said, how did I not know about this?

A Boston priest apologized in a New York court on Tuesday for stalking U.S. television host Conan O'Brien and his family and accepted an order to stay away from the comedian's home and office for two years.

The Rev. David Ajemian, 48, a priest in the Archdiocese of Boston, was arrested in November 2007 during a taping of NBC's "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" at New York City's Rockefeller Plaza.

Wearing khakis and a wrinkled overcoat, Ajemian said in court on Tuesday that from September 2006 until his arrest he sent letters, postcards and packages to O'Brien's New York home and to the NBC studio.

In one letter to the comedian, written on parish stationary, Ajemian referred to himself as "your priest stalker" and suggested he could be a guest on O'Brien's show.

"I regret my behavior that caused concern of the people that I was trying to contact," he told reporters.

Ajemian pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of disorderly conduct after prosecutors withdrew charges of aggravated harassment and stalking, misdemeanors that are punishable by up to 90 days in jail. The guilty plea allowed him to avoid a trial.

The article doesn't say what motivated the priest to stalk Conan, but I hope to God it wasn't a sexual thing. I mean, I think the guy is one of the funniest people on television, but...

Eep.

This is why you have a few after work

It's always a bad idea to drive while you're drunk, but sometimes the idea is a really bad one. Like when you're driving to your job at a police station:

The Oregon State Police arrest drunken drivers on the road every day. But it's not often when the drivers show up drunk at a state police office.

Troopers charged Ruby Ann Pederson, 42, of Newport with driving under the influence of intoxicants after she came to work to clean the state police office.

A trooper said she showed signs of being intoxicated after driving to the office with her 12-year-old son. A blood-alcohol test showed her level was 0.19 percent — more than twice the legal limit.

Along with the DUI, she was also charged with reckless endangerment. Being a dumbass is not against the law in Oregon, so she wasn't charged with that.

I guess the good part of this is that they didn't have to go too far to lock her up.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion

If science fiction movies have taught us anything (and of course they have) then I'm pretty sure that this is a really, really bad idea:

Robots could fill the jobs of 3.5 million people in graying Japan by 2025, a thinktank says, helping to avert worker shortages as the country's population shrinks.

Japan faces a 16 percent slide in the size of its workforce by 2030 while the number of elderly will mushroom, the government estimates, raising worries about who will do the work in a country unused to, and unwilling to contemplate, large-scale immigration.

The thinktank, the Machine Industry Memorial Foundation, says robots could help fill the gaps, ranging from microsized capsules that detect lesions to high-tech vacuum cleaners.

Rather than each robot replacing one person, the foundation said in a report that robots could make time for people to focus on more important things.

Japan could save 2.1 trillion yen ($21 billion) of elderly insurance payments in 2025 by using robots that monitor the health of older people, so they don't have to rely on human nursing care, the foundation said in its report.

Caregivers would save more than an hour a day if robots helped look after children, older people and did some housework, it added. Robotic duties could include reading books out loud or helping bathe the elderly.

"Seniors are pushing back their retirement until they are 65 years old, day care centers are being built so that more women can work during the day, and there is a move to increase the quota of foreign laborers. But none of these can beat the shrinking workforce," said Takao Kobayashi, who worked on the study.

"Robots are important because they could help in some ways to alleviate such shortage of the labor force."

Yeah? Well, Mr. Kobayashi, don't come crying to me when they decide to go on a rampage and destroy humanity. Or enslave us. There's really no way this will end well, people.

Bad hair day

I don't know much of anything about the way they cut hair in China, but I'm pretty sure this isn't the standard way of doing things. At least I hope not.

A Chinese hair salon has been shut down and fined 500,000 yuan ($71,280) for holding two customers hostage and charging wildly excessive fees for haircuts, a newspaper reported on Monday.

College students Zhang Yi and Yuan Sha Sha went for a haircut at Baolou International Beauty Salon in Zhengzhou, in the central province of Henan, expecting to pay the 38 yuan ($5.42) advertised on the window.

But when the barbers were done, they produced a joint bill for 12,000 yuan ($1,700), enough to make anyone's hair curl, the Beijing News reported.

"After borrowing from 16 people, the two were only able to come up with 9,800 yuan and it wasn't until after 10 pm were they allowed to leave the hair salon," it reported.

The amazing thing about this is that it's not the first time this has happened:

One was slapped with a bill for 4,776 yuan when she came in for a haircut last September. In December, another customer opted for a 68 yuan haircut, but was asked to pay 5,670 yuan.

Um, didn't anyone think to alert the police the first time these people held their customers hostage and demanded exorbitant amounts of money from them? Or at least the Chinese version of the Better Business Bureau?

Can't drive 55...on the roof

Let's see...drugs, alcohol, crazy, or a combination of all three?

A Reading man whose minivan crashed after he climbed on its roof while driving about 55 miles per hour is in fair condition this weekend. Police in West Reading say the 38-year-old man later stripped naked and led them on a chase along the highway.

[...]

Police say they used Taser jolts and pepper spray during the chase Friday but only subdued the man when they tackled him.

You know, I have a lot of respect for law enforcement officers, but there are certain aspects of their jobs that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. Like tackling nude wackos.

Sounds unpleasant.

The wisdom of Solomon or spite?

I'm going to go ahead and guess spite on this one:

A Serb farmer used a grinding machine to cut in half his farm tools and machines to comply with a court ruling that he must share all his property with his ex-wife, local media reported on Thursday.

Branko Zivkov, 76, told Belgrade daily Kurir he had been ready to give his wife Vukadinka her equal share of everything earned during their 45-year marriage, but was furious at being asked to give away half his farming equipment.

Instead, he bought a grinder and cut in two all his tools, including large items such as cattle scales, a harrow and a sowing machine.

You know, if you just gave her half of the equipment in working order, you'd still be able to do at least half of your farming chores. Now, you won't be able to do any of them, and you'll probably starve to death.

That'll show her!

Take the money and roll

My aunt, who has worked all her life in special education, always taught me not to underestimate people with disabilities. She said that they can often do things just as well as able-bodied people. I don't think, however, that this was exactly what she had in mind:

Palo Alto police are looking for a bank robber who favors a decidedly slow-speed getaway vehicle — an electric wheelchair. Police said a man in his 60s with gray hair and a beard held up the Wachovia Bank branch at the Stanford Shopping Center late this afternoon with a black handgun.

After the stickup, he left in his wheelchair and was last seen motoring down a nearby street toward El Camino Real, a major thoroughfare.

Witnesses say the man's legs were wrapped in bandages and his right leg was sticking straight out while he zoomed away.

Police are looking for a white Ford van that the suspect may have been hoisted into after the robbery.

Assuming that whoever hoisted him into the van wasn't also in a wheelchair, wouldn't it have been easier for that person to go in and commit the robbery?

Oops. My aunt would be disappointed if she found out I'd made an assumption like that.

It's looking like a lovely day outside

What? It's not like I have to be bitter and sarcastic all the time, right?

Criminal mastermind tripped up somehow

You know how in certain movies and teevee shows, a criminal will leave behind a calling card to taunt the police? Well, usually, they're not quite this specific:

A would-be bank robber came away empty-handed, but left behind something useful for police — her photo identification. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said the woman was arrested on an attempted armed robbery charge less than an hour later.

Dwyer told The Detroit News that the woman filled out an account application Thursday morning, then pulled a handgun and demanded cash. But she panicked and fled without getting any money. Police found an address on the account application, along with her photo ID.

Needless to say, they arrested her dumb ass.

Do the cops even get paid for something like that? I mean, it's like they didn't even have to do any work. I bet they had all kinds of cool CSI-style equipment and chemicals they didn't get to use, either.

Thai government to doctors: go easy on the snippety-snip, okay?

What's the only thing that the Commander of our Army of Morons loves more than Val-U-Rite vodka or murdering hobos? Why, Thai tranny hookers, of course. Having noted that, I think he'll be outraged when he hears about this:

Thailand's health chiefs barred hospitals and clinics on Wednesday from castrating would-be "ladyboys" amid growing concern about the operation being seen as a cheap and quick alternative to a full sex-change.

In a letter to 16,000 private health units, the Public Health Ministry said doctors performing the operation outside formal sex-change therapy -- which requires rigorous physical and mental evaluation of the patient -- faced up to six months in jail.

However, senior health official Tara Chinakarn admitted that policing the temporary ban might be difficult as cosmetic removal of the testicles was such a quick operation and easy to conduct in secret.

Well, I would hope they didn't do it, you know, out in public.

The tolerance shown towards the "third sex," as it is often referred to, has led to the country becoming a world leader in sex-change surgery.

However, at the lower end of the market, clinics have responded to demand from teenage boys to look more like girls by posting Internet advertisements offering castration for as little as 4,000 baht ($125).

You know, I've never had an operation on my junk (and I hope that trend continues), but if I had to, I don't think I'd be looking for the kind of place that does it for a discount. But maybe that's just me.

Update: Check out the blogad that showed up here right after I posted this:

God, that's so friggin' awesome.

That darn cat

When you've got a house full of illegal narcotics, it's probably not a good idea to attract attention to yourself in any fashion. But it's a really bad idea to attract the attention of police, as this dumbass found out:

When a police officer went to the home of a Ridgefield [Washington] man who had complained about a neighbor's cat, the officer smelled marijuana.

A drug task force returned with a search warrant last weekend and found 84 plants in a raid on the man's home.

Reached for comment, the neighbor's cat had this to say:

Changing my e-mail address

If you feel like sending me tips, questions, or accolades, you can now send them to breacanyonmonument at yahoo dot com.

Now, make with the accolades, people!

Inmate through the out door

If I was this guy, I'm not sure whether I'd feel lucky or unimportant. Okay, that's a lie. I'd feel lucky, for now:

Law enforcement officials are trying to understand how a convicted felon managed to escape from a privately owned jail across the street from the police headquarters without anyone noticing his absence for a full day.

Esequiel Pena, 35, escaped from a private San Antonio jail sometime between Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon. He remained at large Tuesday but was thought to be in the San Antonio area, said U.S. Marshals Service spokesman Thomas J. Smith.

Pena apparently escaped by pulling back chain-link fencing around a rooftop recreation yard and climbing down an eight-story fire escape, Smith said.

I have a feeling a few people are going to be looking for a new line of work sometime very soon. I say they start with the guy who designed such a suck-ass jail and work their way down the list.

Appropriate video link

You know, I could so totally Rickroll* you here, but I'm not a jerk like that.

You're welcome.