Pooping out

In 21st century America, you wouldn't think there were people who still prefer to poop outdoors, but you'd be wrong:

An ailing, retired farmer who refused to give up his outhouse after authorities declared it to be a public nuisance finally got a new one.

Elbert "Lew" Preston, 79, stood his ground long enough for a nonprofit group to come to his aid and build him a sturdy new outhouse with a waste tank underneath.

"There she is," Preston said as he showed off the new outbuilding. "She's a lifesaver."

The wooden outhouse, complete with a crescent moon on its door, replaces a 1960s-built version that had run afoul of public health officials in Clermont County, east of Cincinnati. While the old one was over a hole in the ground, this one sits atop a concrete base and a 1,000-gallon tank.

"It's too nice and complicated to be an outhouse," Preston said. "I call it a privy."

Call me an elitist prick if you want to, but am I the only one here who is picturing this guy in overalls and a straw hat, with a corncob pipe dangling from his lips?

Preston, who is slowed by diabetes and has colon problems and pacemaker, said he never saw the need to replace the old outhouse — which once was picked up and carried into his garden by a tornado without major damage.

He said he has used an outside toilet since settling in Washington Township 40 years ago and likes the privacy of a privy.

"When you're in a house, sounds carry," Preston said. "Everybody knows your business."

That may be true, but you'd think a guy with "colon problems" might not want to have to sprint out into the yard every time nature calls.

I'm just saying, is all.