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I'm not a big fan of the interest rates the credit card companies charge, but are they evil? These nutjobs seem to think so:

A Russian doomsday cult sheltering in a bunker say credit cards and food packaging bar codes are satanic, the official negotiating the release of children from the group said on Monday.

Around 30 followers, including four children, from across Russia and neighboring Belarus met last October and barricaded themselves into a hillside to escape an apocalypse their preacher says is looming in either April or May.

"For us right now, what's most important is the children," said Alexander Yelatontsev, an official from Russia's Penza Oblast region, who has been the chief point of contact for the cult since the siege began.

"They have burned their passports and say that all plastic (credit) cards and strip codes on food packaging are the work of Satan," he told reporters.

Yelatontsev said the people underground were in contact with him regularly, and would accept food only if it had not been processed with modern factory equipment.

"Right now they are asking for a cow so that they can have fresh, boiled milk that is not processed," he said.

He said progress was slow but local authorities were negotiating with the group to leave their refuge.

"In as much as their beliefs have been formed over a long period of time, convincing them to come out is not going to happen quickly," he said.

Well, we could just wait until May. By then, the apocalypse their leader has predicted will probably have fizzled, and they can come out and rejoin society. That, or we'll all be dead anyway if the kook was right. In that case, I guess the rest of us sure will have egg on our faces.

Unless our faces have all melted off during the apocalypse. Then, I guess we'll have egg on our skulls. Or something.

I have a foul mouth blog

If you've got kids or a grandma with a heart condition, you should keep them away from here. Because of all the fucking cursing, I mean.


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Via the relatively tame by comparison doubleplusundead.

Getting smashed and almost smashed again

I'm just shocked—utterly shocked—to find out that this story involves drinking:

A man nearly crushed inside a garbage truck told police he can't recall how he ended up inside a trash bin — and then the truck — after a night of drinking with friends.

William M. Bowen, 27, awoke about 6:30 a.m. Thursday to find that he was inside a commercial trash-collection truck filled with waste.

A Rumpke garbage truck driver had emptied a bin behind the Muncie Eye Center into his truck and was about to activate its trash compressor when he heard someone screaming.

"He looked up and this gentleman was standing out the top of our truck," said Larry Green, market safety supervisor for Rumpke.

Green said the only thing Bowen said to the driver who found him was that he was cold.

"This gentleman was extremely intoxicated," he said.

Bowen told police the last thing he remembers before waking up in the truck was drinking with buddies about 3 a.m. Thursday at a Muncie bar.

Bowen, who wouldn't tell police who his drinking pals were, was treated and released with minor injuries from Ball Memorial Hospital.

I would assume that Mr. Bowen was a little miffed with his good buddies after that. I mean, as if the whole getting dumped in the trash thing wasn't bad enough, then he almost gets crushed to death. Though at least they didn't let him try to drive home, so there's that.

Good times, man. Good times.

What?

I've noticed an annoying trend in teevee commercials lately, this being the latest example:



It's that airy-fairy babbling female singing. It bugs the shit out of me! I mean, is she even singing in fucking English there? I can't tell. Old Navy has had a few of those over the last few months, too, and every time I hear one, I just want to hurl my remote through the goddamn picture tube.

Manila spice

I've heard plenty of people make the "I only read it for the articles" joke over the years, but it looks like there's one place where they're actually taking that seriously:

Playboy magazine is launching in the Philippines next month and will be targeting mature men who like well-written articles and tasteful photographs of semi-nude women.

"Maxim and FHM are called laddy magazines. We can be called a Dad magazine," Beting Laygo Dolor, Playboy Philippines' editor, told Reuters on Thursday.

"We are targeting a more mature market, Filipino men, 30 and above."

"There will be no full frontal nudity."

Mens' magazines with risque photos are already sold in the Philippines, which despite being a largely Catholic country has a macho culture that encourages promiscuity.

Although rural areas are more conservative, Manila and other large cities have a relaxed attitude to sex.

Dolor, who describes himself as a "bad Catholic," said the religion's values had influenced the decision not to go for a raunchier look for the magazine.

"I don't want to be ashamed to show it to my mother," said the father of four. "I have daughters in their twenties. It's something that I want them to also enjoy. I want them to be proud of their Dad."

Uh, am I the only one who's creeped out by the idea of this dude showing Playboy magazines to his mom and daughters, even if it is a little less smutty than the American version?

"Someone's in here!"

They say a man's home is his castle, and one of the most important rooms is the "throne room," if you know what I mean. It's a place for peace and quiet and, most importantly, privacy. So I'd imagine it's quite a shock when that privacy is breached in such a jarring fashion:

A New Zealand man got the fright of his life when a runaway SUV crashed into his house and knocked him off the toilet, a newspaper reported Friday.

The vehicle had been parked with its emergency brake only half on, and rolled backward down a 32 foot bank into the house Thursday in the southern city of Christchurch, "The Press" newspaper reported.

Police said a building contractor working next door had parked the vehicle at the top of the bank minutes earlier.

"He came back to his vehicle and found it next door, basically," Christchurch police Sgt. Kim Reid was quoted as saying.

The paper said that when the homeowner was asked how the builder might be feeling, he said: "What about me? I got knocked off the toilet. I got a hell of a fright."

If there's any justice in this world, his response to the person who asked that question was accompanied by a swift kick in the ass.

Portrait of a (naked) lady

Having never been married, I'm not quite sure how I'd feel if this sort of thing involved my wife:

A nude portrait of French President Nicolas Sarkozy's wife Carla Bruni will go under the hammer in New York next month, according to auctioneers Christie's.

The 13 x 10 1/8 inch gelatin silver black and white photograph was taken in 1993, when Bruni was one of the world's top fashion models, and is being sold by art collector Gert Elfering.

It is expected to fetch $3,000 to $4,000 when it is sold in New York on April 10, according to the Christie's web site.

On the one hand, I'm not really sure I'd like some other dude having a naked picture of my special lady to ogle whenever he'd like. On the other hand, I might feel some pride over the fact that someone would be willing to pay that much for a single naked picture, especially when you're able to download pictures of naked women for free from teh internets. Or so I'm told. Not that I'd do such a thing.

Val-U-Rite viper

I'm a big believer in both the entrepreneurial spirit and the Ace of Spades Lifestyle™, and it looks like a guy down in Texas has found a way to blend the two. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this may lead to prison time:

A rattlesnake rancher who calls himself Bayou Bob found a new way to make money: Stick a rattler inside a bottle of vodka and market the concoction as an "ancient Asian elixir." But Bayou Bob Popplewell's bright idea appears to have landed him on the wrong side of the law, because he has no liquor license.

Popplewell, who has raised rattlesnakes and turtles at Bayou Bob's Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch for more than two decades, surrendered to authorities Monday. He spent about 10 minutes in jail after the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission obtained arrest warrants on misdemeanor charges of selling alcohol without a license and possessing alcohol with intent to sell.

If convicted, he faces up to a year in jail and $1,000 in fines.

Popplewell said he will fight the charges. His intent, he said, is not to sell an alcoholic beverage but a healing tonic. He said he has customers of Asian descent who believe the concoction has medicinal properties.

"It's almost a spiritual thing," said Popplewell, 63.

Well, there are definitely spirits involved, but I'm not really sure how a dead snake in a bottle of Val-U-Rite vodka provides one with a religious experience. Not even if you drink a lot of it. That mostly just gives you alcohol poisoning.

But alcohol commission agent Scott Jones pointed out that investigators confiscated 429 bottles of snake vodka and one bottle of snake tequila. At $23 a bottle, that's almost $10,000 worth of reptilian booze.

Even if Popplewell intended his drink be used as a healing tonic — an assertion the alcohol commission disputes — his use of vodka requires a state permit, authorities said.

"It's sold for beverage purposes, and he knows what he's doing," commission Sgt. Charlie Cloud said.

Popplewell said he uses the cheapest vodka he can find as a preservative for the snakes. The end result is a super sweet mixed drink that Popplewell compared to cough syrup.

"I've honestly never seen a person drink it," he said.

That's probably due to the fact that you can buy cough syrup (which contains very little snake, I'm told by reliable sources) for a lot less than twenty three bucks.

That, and the fact that it sounds pretty effing nasty. Most people I know prefer not to have dead reptiles in their booze.

Ask and you shall receive...

...attention from the authorities, in this case, anyway:

Police in Bethany [Oklahoma] are looking for what Chief Neal Troutman calls a "sick individual" who's leaving notes asking for women to give him their underwear.

Troutman said the person is knocking on doors and leaving notes with specific instructions asking for the undergarments.

The notes say the women will be given $20.

It doesn't sound like anybody has taken him up on the offer.

One real classy lassie

Do they still have finishing schools to teach young women how to be classy and graceful? If they do, I'm going to go ahead and guess this gal didn't attend one:

Suburban New York police say a drunken driver had a suspended license and had marijuana in her car. Oh, they also say she didn't have any pants on.

Yonkers police say 22-year-old Long Island resident Angelica Buchanan was found Saturday standing bottomless in a street near her car. They say she was so drunk she had to be hospitalized.

Police say she claimed she wasn't wearing pants because she needed to use the bathroom. They've charged her with driving while intoxicated, unlicensed operation of a vehicle and marijuana possession.

What, no indecent exposure? And the DWI charge seems a little unfair. I mean, she was standing outside the car, after all. I didn't know standing near your car after having a few was illegal in New York. It shouldn't be, not if you're wearing pants, anyway.

Logo shows where it's a no go for SoKo hoes, yo

I'm not really sure what the legal status of prostitution is like in South Korea, but wouldn't it just be easier to put a sign reading "whorehouse" outside?

South Korea is introducing new signs for its hot spring spas to remove any confusion for those seeking other kinds of steamy liaisons.

The Ministry of Public Administration and Security introduced the new blue logo Monday for about 480 spas across the country, said ministry official Lim Jae-wung.

The sign replaces a nearly century-old red icon — a circle with rising wisps of steam that have been appropriated by "love motels," which offer prostitution or short stays for couples having extramarital relations.

[...]

The new logo depicts waves of water with two circles symbolizing the heads of a father and son amid rising steam. Those using the sign at non-spa facilities can be punished by up to two years in jail and a fine of up to $10,030, Lim said.

Well, I guess that kind of clears up my question about the legality of prostitution over there. It sounds like Korean "ladies of the evening" can ply their trade without any worries, so long as they don't use the wrong logo.

Good to know. So that I can find a legitimate spa if I ever find myself in that neighborhood, I mean. Get your minds out of the gutter, you pervs. Honestly, your mothers would be ashamed of you. And so am I.

Welcome, Moronosphere enthusiasts

I've been getting a lot of traffic from doubleplusundead as of late, and I see that I've also been included in Conservative Belle's official Moronosphere blogroll, so if you're new here, feel free to explore the place and leave comments. It's good to have you here.

Update: I can honestly say that I've never been more proud to be a member of somebody's private army of retards.

"Have the Rolling Stones killed."

Thanks, but my name's not Burnsie.

My good friends at the Phillip Morris Company sent me a coupon for a couple bucks off a pack of smokes, though, so there's that. Oh, and I get to have dinner here, which looks pretty nice. Yay me!

Update: My good meatspace buddy Andy had some kind words for me today, which were much appreciated.

I should also note that today was my parents' 35th anniversary. I'm the gift that not only keeps on giving, but also couldn't be exchanged.

Happy Easter...

...to all my Peeps.

My family will be celebrating the resurrection of the most famous Jewish guy in the history of the world by eating a ham dinner. Pretty ironic, no?

Father of the year

A lot of people will tell you that their kids are the mean the world to them. This guy, not so much:

A shoplifter looking to make a quick getaway from a Dutch supermarket after stealing a packet of meat left police a crucial piece of evidence -- his 12-year-old son.

In his haste the 45-year-old thief made a solo dash to his car, batting away a supermarket worker who had flung himself on the vehicles' bonnet in a bid to stop the escape.

Police in the southern Dutch town of Kerkrade said they managed to contact the thief via the boy, but he had refused to return and collect his son. The man told officers to get hold of the youngster's mother instead.

I don't know if they celebrate Fathers Day in the Netherlands, but if they do, something tells me this guy isn't even getting an ugly tie this year.

The great kruller caper

Stealing a vehicle is never really a good idea, but stealing this particular vehicle was just begging for trouble:

A bevy of officers chased a doughnut delivery van at speeds up to 100 mph before arresting the driver at gunpoint, authorities said.

But the cops weren't simply hankering for doughnuts.

The van, owned by Donut Delite of Moline, Ill., was stolen early Thursday while the driver was making deliveries at a hospital in nearby Rock Island. The driver had left the van running, and a man jumped in and headed for Iowa, just over the Mississippi River.

A Benton County, Iowa, sheriff's deputy spotted the van later in the morning, and eight other officers eventually joined the chase. Authorities finally cornered it in neighboring Tama County.

Frank Alvarado, 46, of Moline, Ill., was charged with theft and other counts and was held on $15,000 bond.

[...]

Tama County Sheriff Dennis Kucera said his officers had no idea what the unmarked van was carrying.

They were rewarded for their efforts anyway — the doughnut shop gave them the purloined goodies.

I bet they were glad it wasn't a delivery van from a health food store.

Leafy green veggies

I know most people like to bring a little something back when they visit a foreign country, like a snow globe or a t-shirt. God knows, those kind of items arouse less suspicion than thirty pounds of canned food:

It didn't look quite right to federal agents when the high school student strolled into the U.S. border crossing while carrying six enormous cans of vegetables.

After agents took X-rays of one can, their suspicions were confirmed. It turned out the industrial-size containers of hominy and jalapeno peppers actually were stuffed with 25 pounds of marijuana, agents said.

The cans normally hold about 5 pounds of vegetables and are commonly used in food service and restaurants, U.S. Customs and Border Protection spokesman Roger Maier said.

The 17-year-old, a U.S. citizen who lives in Juarez, Mexico, had declared she was just bringing in some food.

I guess if I had 25 pounds of weed, I'd have the munchies, too.

Grand theft taco

Creating a video record of your crimes probably isn't the smartest idea. But you know what's sheer genius? Posting that video on the internet:

A man who pretended to be a CEO complaining about his fast-food order in a taco scam was sentenced to 30 days in jail after authorities saw the prank in an online video.

Rialto police said it was an easy case to crack because the video, called "How to Scam Del Taco" and posted on YouTube.com, shows Robert Echeverria, 32, calling the restaurant about 50 miles east of Los Angeles on Feb. 19.

In a friendly tone he claims to be a CEO named "Robert Kennedy" who has already spoken to the store's manager and corporate office about some unwanted sour cream and the lack of a receipt in a previous order.

"I love your guys' tacos," he said.

One of his two 18-year-old co-stars is later shown walking into the restaurant and claiming the food. The video ends with the three men feasting and laughing.

Echeverria even provided a pair of personal phone numbers in the video, Rialto police Lt. Joe Cirilo said.

Well, that certainly makes it easier for people to call up and tell you how awesomely awesome your scam was. Or to arrest you. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, really.

Update: Want to watch this fat load working his scam? Enjoy:



I think he loves their tacos a little too much, if you know what I mean.

Only in Japan

If you were to tell me that any other country was doing something like this, I wouldn't believe you. But the Land of the Rising Sun? Oh yeah.

Japan has created an unusual government post to promote animation, and named a perfect figure to the position: Doraemon.

Foreign Minister Masahiko Komura appointed the popular cartoon robot cat as "anime ambassador" on Wednesday, handing a human-sized Doraemon doll an official certificate at an inauguration ceremony, along with dozens of "dorayaki" red bean pancakes — his favorite dessert — piled on a huge plate.

Komura told the doll, with an unidentified person inside, that he hoped he would widely promote Japanese animated cartoons, or "anime."

"Doraemon, I hope you will travel around the world as an anime ambassador to deepen people's understanding of Japan so they will become friends with Japan," Komura told the blue-and-white cat.

[...]

Doraemon — through voice actress Wasabi Mizuta, who spoke from behind a sliding paper screen — promised Komura that "Through my cartoons, I hope to convey to people abroad what ordinary Japanese people think, our lifestyles and what kind of future we want to build."

That's probably not going to confuse anybody. I mean, who better to explain what ordinary Japanese people are like than a giant blue cat?

In case you were wondering...

...and you probably weren't (bastards), my foot is feeling much better. It's barely swollen at all, I'm not limping around anymore, and I can even wear shoes comfortably now. I'm also getting used to my dietary restrictions, though I'm hoping I can ease up on those sometime soon. I think I'm going to quit drinking regular sodas, though. The diet stuff doesn't taste half as bad as I remember it tasting, and diet Dr. Pepper really does taste pretty much like the regular stuff!

I still miss red meat, bacon, sausage, and booze, though. I miss them so much.