No Hitler memorial after all

Awwww. Too bad, so sad.

A retired farmer who claims he was a Nazi SS officer has agreed not to publicly open a memorial he built to Hitler in southeastern Wisconsin, county officials say.

Ted Junker, 87, had planned a grand opening for his shrine June 25 on his farm near Millard, about 50 miles southeast of Madison. Word of the opening generated a crush of publicity.

But Walworth County officials met with Junker on Thursday morning and persuaded him to keep the shrine closed, said Mike Cotter, county deputy corporation counsel.

Cotter said county officials had struggled with how to classify the shrine for zoning purposes. They decided Thursday to consider it an assembly hall or museum. As such, Junker would need permits from the county to operate, Cotter said he told Junker.

Junker is quoted in the article as saying that he'll still allow private parties to visit his sick little shrine, so buck up there, skinheads.

Oh, and like the article I quoted in yesterday's post on this subject, the AP reporter who wrote this story made a mistake about Junker's service with the Waffen-SS.

Junker told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel he volunteered to join the German Waffen-SS, Hitler's feared special police, in 1940 and served in Russia.

Um, that "special police" force would be the Gestapo, which was administered by the SS, but was not the same as the Waffen-SS, which Junker says he served with. You could look this stuff up, you know.

Imagine what would've happened if they'd lost

Well now, this is hardly surprising at all, is it?

Emergency calls to the ambulance service soared after England's first World Cup match as drunken fans fought in pubs and streets across the country, the Ambulance Service Association (ASA) said on Thursday.

Injuries treated by paramedics after the 1-0 defeat of Paraguay on Saturday included assaults with fists and weapons such as broken bottles, excessive drinking and drunken fans falling and hurting themselves.

This is what soccer fans do. They drink way too much, brawl in the pubs, run amok out in the streets, and get gay for each other.

Springtime for Hitler

Life imitates Mel Brooks, but this time people aren't exactly laughing.

MILLARD, Wis. - A retired farmer who says he served in the German army in World War II is turning part of his land into a battleground of sorts with his memorial to a leader he claims is misunderstood, Adolf Hitler.

Ted Junker, 87, plans a grand opening June 25 and says his goal is to clear up inaccuracies about the war and Hitler's role in it.

In other words, he doesn't accept that Hitler was to blame for starting the war in which 50 million people died, including some 6 million Jewish victims of the Holocaust.

"I like the U.S. I can't understand why people don't know the truth. This is for understanding, not hate," Junker said.

Needless to say, the Milwaukee Jewish Council for Community Relations is not amused. I can't say I blame them. But the guy is really just some old Nazi crank remembering the bad old days. The article quotes a history professor from Marquette, who sums the whole thing up pretty well.

"I'm sure he looks back and wants to say that he was not serving a super evil man, the most evil man in (the 20th century)," [Rev. John] Donnelly said. "He's looking for some kind of personal sense of redemption, and I don't think he can be taken seriously at all."

The shame of it is, he'll probably attract a bunch of skinheads and other racist kooks who'll enjoy the memorial and his war stories. I bet his neighbors are just going to love that crowd.

Update: This wasn't in the original article, which said Junker "served in the German army." Actually, he didn't serve in the army. If the Hot Air link is correct, he served in the Waffen SS, which was separate from the German army and was fanatically devoted to Hitler himself. That explains a few things.

Beer: the miracle drug

Like the man once said, alcohol is "the cause of and solution to all life's problems." Well, the solution to prostate cancer, maybe.

For many men, a finding by Oregon researchers sounds too good to be true: an ingredient in beer seems to help prevent prostate cancer, at least in lab experiments. The trouble is you'd theoretically have to drink about 17 beers a day for any potential benefit. And no one's advising that.

I am. I am advising you to drink seventeen beers a day. For your health.

You're welcome.

Courthouse lawn bogarted

Man, some people just can't help but ruin a good time for everybody else.

After reporters pointed out that wild marijuana, commonly called ditch weed, was growing on the lawn at the federal courthouse in Sioux Falls, the greenery was eliminated.

City officials and a developer said seeds in dirt brought in for construction must have sprouted.

So, where did the dirt come from? And how come nobody at the courthouse noticed the stuff was growing there? Or...did they?

Lando Calrissian in a whole new light

The guy who made this hilarious video obviously spent a lot of time on it. Worth it for the eyebrows alone.

(via the jaypinkerton.com forums, where I've seen a lot of funny shit lately)

English is racist

Sweet, Fancy Moses, this is utterly ridiculous.

A sign in a landmark Philadelphia restaurant asking customers to order in English is sparking controversy in the metropolis known as the "City of Brotherly Love."

The owner of Geno's Steaks said on Thursday that the sign, "This is America -- when ordering speak English," is intended to encourage immigrants to learn the language and assimilate into U.S. society, but one Latino activist said it's racist.

Uh, you want to tell me exactly how asking people to speak the common language of the country they're in is racist? I mean, people are always complaining about they stereotype of the "ugly American," traveling abroad, bellowing in English--is that racist, too?

"They should be glad that I put the sign up. I'm trying to help them to speak English," said Joey Vento, 66, whose grandparents moved to the United States from Italy. "Without the English language, they are going to have a lot of problems in this country.

"There is nobody who can say they are turned down because of the language," he added. "They can point if they want to."

Holy shit! That kind of talk is so racist that he might as well put on a Klan hood and burn a cross outside his restaurant. Oh, and I might emphasize that last part--it's his restaurant. Private property where he can do as he damn well pleases.

Roberto Santiago, executive director of Philadelphia's Council of Spanish Speaking Organizations, said he was "appalled" by the policy.

"I think what's coming out of his mouth is racist," said Santiago. "He is saying, 'I don't like these brown faces in my community and I will do everything I can to get them out of there.'"

Um, actually, I'm pretty sure he's saying "This is America -- when ordering speak English." He didn't even post a sign asking people specifically not to speak Spanish, and I'm sure Philadelphia is home to immigrants who speak a whole host of other languages as well. It seems to me that Mr. Santiago is reading an awful lot into that sign.

They'll show anything on the teevee these days

I was worried when I saw the following headline:

Public To See Alleged R. Kelly Sex Tape

Good God, I thought, are they going to make everybody watch R. Kelly (allegedly) pissing on that poor girl? That's just friggin' awful!

But on closer inspection of the article, it appears that the "public" just refers to people in the courtroom. Looks like America dodged a bullet.

No news is good news

Well, that seems to be the case for certain people of, let us say, one particular political bent. And in this case, I'm not even talking about some moonbat protester or unwashed hippie, either.

Some Democrats, breaking ranks from their leadership, today said the death of terrorist leader Abu Musab Zarqawi in Iraq was a stunt to divert attention from an unpopular and hopeless war.

"This is just to cover Bush's [rear] so he doesn't have to answer" for Iraqi civilians being killed by the U.S. military and his own sagging poll numbers, said Rep. Pete Stark, California Democrat. "Iraq is still a mess -- get out."

Yeah. It's not at all because Zarqawi was a murderous sonofabitch who we'd been trying to kill or capture for several years. It's all a conspiracy orchestrated by the eeeeeevil Rethuglicans to distract the sheeple.

I wonder, do they let you wear a tinfoil hat on the floor of the House?

(via protein wisdom commenter tim maguire)

Zarqawi croaks

I'm a positive kind of guy, so I don't look at the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as the loss of a vicious, bloodthirsty, murderous terrorist scumbag. Nope, I see it as Yasser Arafat gaining a roommate.

And on a day like today, this familiar, profanity-laden song seems particularly appropriate.

On the other hand, with the "nutroots family reunion" starting today, one can't help but question the timing.™

There are no so stupid questions

I listen to a lot of talk radio, and I admire the job that the hosts do because it's got to be difficult to come up with things to say for two or three hours at a time. That said, what the hell were these people thinking?

Hosts of a chat show on a Hong Kong radio station apologized Tuesday for an Internet survey asking its listeners to vote which actress they would most like to sexually assault.

The Commercial Radio poll drew widespread criticism last week, with teachers, legislators and ordinary citizens slamming it for advocating violence against women and for corrupting youth.

Why phrase it that way? They could have just asked which actresses people would like to have sex with, and while they might have drawn criticism for "corrupting youth" with a question like that, they probably wouldn't be facing criticism for baiting would-be rapists. Dumbasses.

Your source for international urinal news

Are you some kind of pervert who enjoys peeing into saxophones or other, more disturbing kinds of...openings? Well, Kuala Lampur is apparently angling for your tourist dollars.

Malaysia's largest city is planning to add a whimsical touch when its revamps its notoriously nasty public urinals.

According to a report in the New Straits Times, some of the possible urinal designs include ones in the shape of musical instruments and others with an open mouth replete with painted red lips and a pink tongue. Another design features a clown's mouth.

*Shudder*. They apparently have such horrifying public toilets in Malaysia that a "National Toilet Summit is planned for August at which Malaysians will be taught toilet etiquette and how to establish a clean toilet culture." I don't think I've ever heard of an entire nation simultaneously going through potty training before.

In much less disturbing news, travelers in Sweden will get to take a leak in a lovely meadow.

Travelers hearing nature's call at Stockholm's Arlanda airport may think they have ended up in a summer meadow _ figuratively speaking.

The airport's newly designed lavatories, which are to open mid-June in Terminal 5, combine pleasant flowery glass art with an improved solution for getting rid of foul odors, Arlanda's designer manager Karin Elfver Renstrom said Wednesday

The men's lavatories will have glass artwork portraying a flower-filled Swedish meadow around and above the men's urinals, with a view through a glass facade onto the tarmac below.

What, no clown mouths or oboes? Say goodbye to all that sweet, sweet pervert cash.

"Killed his Sensei in a duel and he never said why"

Everybody else is linking to this video about the Father of our Country, which makes that SNL "Lazy Sunday" rap look like the 21st century equivalent of "Ice Ice Baby," so I figured I'd get in on the act. I mean, if all my friends were jumping off a bridge, I guess I would, too. Because all my friends would be dead, and how depressing would that be?

Be forewarned: salty language if you click on them links.

Update from nearly a year later: The video can be found here for now.

Thank you

Lost in all of the nonsense about this being 6/6/06 (oooh, scary!) is the fact that 62 years ago today, thousands of brave men stormed the beaches of Normandy. They changed the world forever.

Update: I meant to post a link to Milblogger Blackfive's great roundup of D-Day posts earlier, but I had to go to a meeting.

Via Jeff Goldstein, who has some more links and thoughts of his own on the subject.

You can't beat real-life experience

A bunch of Florida high school students made an...interesting discovery during a summer school class exercise yesterday morning.

The group of students from St. Thomas Aquinas High School was searching mock crime scenes as part of the summer school forensics class. A real life CSI class in training that happened to stumble on a real life crime scene.

The teacher, Sue Messenger, had planted fake evidence and fake paper skeletons in the park as part of the class. When one of her students discovered a man's hand clutching a chain-link fence, he thought it was planted by his teacher.

They eventually realized it wasn't fake and called police who sent out homicide investigators to the scene.

The authorities think it was probably a homeless guy who died at the park. There was no word as to whether or not David Caruso showed up at the scene to snap his sunglasses on and off.

GUHHHHN FINGAS!

This is pretty old, but it's still funny. Especially Willem DaFoe saying, "Ha ha ha! GUHHHHN FINGAS!" Look around Pinkerton's site, there's plenty of funny there, especially if you're a nerd like me.

Related.

Time for that killing spree

My neighbor's teenage kids are singing karaoke. Well, they're not so much singing as tunelessly screaming the lyrics of various vapid pop songs into a microphone. Ugh.

Update: The little bastards had the decency to quit before midnight without the cops being involved.

I'm typing this from the bushes outside Vin Scully's house

I know the guy is a hall of famer, but really, who stalks Bob Uecker? Oh, apparently this crazy lady.

Hall of Fame sportscaster Bob Uecker is looking for the courts to help keep a woman away from him.

He's seeking a restraining order against a woman he contends has been harassing him for years. He says last week she confronted him at a hotel pool over his refusal to assist her charity work.

In court filings, Uecker says Ann Ladd has been bothering him for six or seven years by sending unsolicited gifts, driving around his home in Wisconsin and having contact with him in various cities. The filing was first reported by the investigative Web site The Smoking Gun.

Jeez, I liked Mr. Belvedere as much as the next guy, but this is taking things a little too far.

No sex please, we're dead

Australia is creeping ever closer to fascism, it seems. The powers that be have apparently decided that it's a bad thing to be able to get your freak on directly after Uncle Bob's funeral.

There's a time and place for everything, local Australian governments have ruled as they move to stop brothels opening near cemeteries.

Local governments in the northern state of Queensland have called on state authorities to establish an exclusion zone banning brothels opening within 200 metres (220 yards) of cemeteries.

This all started in a place near Brisbane called Ipswitch, where freedom-hating officials blocked the building of a new brothel across the street from the town cemetery, depriving who knows how many sex care providers fulfilling jobs.

Ipswich Mayor Paul Pisasale told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio on Tuesday that cemeteries were places for quiet reflection by families who should not have to put up with "a brothel going on next door".

"It's totally inappropriate. There's a place for brothels and a place for cemeteries and we don't believe the two mix," he said.

Well, at least he admits that there's a place for brothels, unlike here in puritanical Amerikkka. I hope noted right wing death beast Tim Blair is happy.

"I'm the goddamn Batman."

If this pretty funny comic book review is any indication, Frank Miller has gone completely insane. Batshit insane, if you will. The story doesn't seem to make any sense, the dialogue is terrible (see the title of this post), and the characters all seem to be suffering from intense mental illnesses. I mean, moreso than usual. Because Batman is pretty well insane to begin with, but his problems seem a lot more...intense in this title. Click on the link, and you'll see what I mean.

Adios, amigo

The guy who has played Juan Valdez, the advertising icon of the Colombian National Federation of Coffee Growers, is retiring in July after portraying the character for 37 years. Do you think you have what it takes to replace him?

"The first thing is that we need someone with a thick mustache, who can sport a poncho and who's not afraid of donkeys," said Gabriel Silva, the president of the official body. "But it's not just that. We need someone authentic, proud of what he is doing and modest."

Now, I've never tried on a poncho, so I'm not sure if I could "sport" one, but otherwise that sounds just like me. Except for the mustache.

And now that I think about it, while I'm not "afraid" of donkeys, per se, I'm not really what you'd call a fan.

Father's Day is coming

This year, why not get your dad what he really wants? That's right, a Biz Markie action figure. They've only made 1,000 of them, so hurry up and get yours! At only $69.95 each, you'd be foolish not to get at least one.

Besides, your pops deserves it.

The things people do for love

It seems like every few months you hear a story like this one out of southeast Asia. Must be something in the water.

A man who apparently severed his penis in an attempt to convince his wife that he was faithful to her was recovering after surgery to reattach the organ at a northern Malaysian hospital, a news report said Tuesday.

The 41-year-old man, who was not identified, got into an argument last Friday with his wife, who found a text message on his mobile phone from another woman. The man was heard by his son shouting that he wanted to prove he was not having an affair, the New Straits Times reported.

Um, the only thing that really proves is that you're not playing with a full deck.

But I guess this probably will prevent him from having any future affairs. And, quite possibly, peeing while standing.

Happy Memorial Day

As you kick back with a beer or some barbecue, remember to spare a thought for all of those who have served our country with pride and distinction, especially those who made the ultimate sacrifice.

Ask and you shall receive

Goldstein wanted a trackback, so here it is. Enjoy!

"A twinge of resentment"

There was a good AP article that I must've missed yesterday about legal immigrants who feel like they're being marginalized in the debate over illegal immigration reform. I can't say I blame them, seeing as how they're trying to do things the right way, and the US Senate is basically throwing the door open to lawbreakers and saying, "Come on in!"

Here's how it begins:

Working with illegal immigrants every day in a suburban Atlanta bank, Carlos Carbonell knows exactly where to go to buy a fake green card for his wife. Sometimes he thinks it would be much easier.

His wife, Valentina, has been stuck in their native Caracas, Venezuela, for four years because of backlogs in processing her green card application.

Carbonell believes in reforming U.S. immigration policy, but he and other legal immigrants who have been playing by the rules feel forgotten in the debate over possible amnesty for most of the estimated 12 million immigrants here illegally.

"They are putting as a priority illegal immigration, and legal immigrants are left out of the loop. It's the curse of doing things right," he said. "They think that the legal ones can wait -- hey!"

Even though they have loyalty to their immigrant origins, many legal immigrants also feel a twinge of resentment toward others who have broken the law, and they fear illegal migrants could complicate their own quest for citizenship.

It's an excellent article, and it touches on some of the things that I wrote about here earlier this month. Read the whole thing.

Volcano!

Check out this cool footage from a Japanese-American research team. It's apparently the closest-ever footage of an undersea volcanic eruption. The probe they used gets withing seven to ten feet of the eruption.

No word as to whether or not the eruption, in the Pacific Ocean near Guam, disturbed the slumbering Cthulhu.

Hansel and Gretel rob convenience store

Well, not exactly. It was actually three guys in the Syracuse, NY area. But before we go on with this, what do you want to bet that these people were really, really high when they did this?

A trio of hungry burglars helped their own undoing by leaving a trail of snack wrappers after stealing six packages of instant lottery tickets from a convenience store.

"This was a combination of good police work and a stupid criminal," said Sgt. Tom Connellan, a police spokesman.

The burglars smashed a window early Wednesday at a convenience store and fled with the lottery tickets and some Little Debbie Coffee Cake snacks. Officer James Johnson followed a trail of discarded wrappers to a nearby apartment building, where he arrested the trio.

Now, I'm sure Sgt. Connellan is a fine investigator, but I'm pretty sure the trail of Little Debbie wrappers leading directly from the crime scene to these masterminds' hideout was a lot more "stupid criminal" than "good police work."

And like I said, they were probably really, really high.

Time waster

American Dad vs. Family Guy Kung Fu. It's like the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat games, but with characters from those two shows. The controls aren't all that easy to use, but it's kind of clever.

update: I found this even better timewaster, where you have to kill baby albino vampires (via Florida Cracker).

I can't drive 55 (with just my feet)

I find stories like this one from New Zealand refreshing because they reinforce one of my core beliefs. Namely that the "differently abled" are just as reckless and stupid as the rest of us.

An armless man stopped for speeding was driving with one foot on the steering wheel and another on the pedals, a policeman testified in court.

Colin Smith, who was born without arms and has never held a driver's license, appeared in court Thursday charged with driving in a manner likely to be dangerous to the public.

I dunno, sounds like he knew what he was doing. Besides, the title of the article says Smith is "armless," which in the Queen's English means "harmless," what with that charming dropped h. Right?

Another reason to hate soccer

I mean, aside from the facts that it's incredibly boring and beloved by Eurotrash dickweeds, apparently it's really, really ghey.

Football gives men a way to express their innermost thoughts and feelings, according to a pre World Cup survey.

Almost two-thirds of men (64%) believe that while watching or playing football, they are more willing to share their feelings with other men than when doing other activities.

Three quarters said they would not be embarrassed to hug their mates while watching a match.

Apparently, though, soccer doesn't have the ability to turn men into complete sissy-marys.

However, the ability of football to bring out a man's emotions does have its limits - three-quarters of men polled said they had never cried over the outcome of a match.

So, 25% of British men have broken down and sobbed like little girls over the outcome of a soccer match? Disturbing.

But I bet the percentage of Frenchmen is higher.

So very, very drunk

Ho-lee shee-it, this guy is lucky he's not dead. At least he was lucky not to be dead until the inevitably monstrous hangover set in, that is.

Lithuanian police were so astonished by a breath test that registered 18 times the legal alcohol limit, they thought their device must be broken. It wasn't.

Police said Tuesday 41-year-old Vidmantas Sungaila registered 7.27 grams per liter of alcohol in his blood repeatedly on different devices after he was pulled over Saturday for driving his truck down the center of a two-lane highway 60 miles from the capital, Vilnius.

Lithuania's legal limit is 0.4 grams per liter.

Great googly-moogly, the guy wasn't drunk--he was embalmed! But my favorite part of the article comes from a Lithuanian police official. I have no idea if the following is an accurate translation, but if it is, hoo-boy...

"This guy should have been lying dead, but he was still driving. It must be an unofficial national record," Saulius Skvernelis, director of the national police traffic control service, told the AP. "He was of high spirits and grinning the whole time he was questioned." [emphasis mine]

"High spirits." Like the man says, heh. Indeed.

Oh, and by the way, the guy isn't just a drunk, he's a genius, too.

Sungaila, who was slapped with a $1,110 fine and the loss of his license for up to three years, told police he had been drinking the night before and tried to freshen up by downing a pint of beer for breakfast.

I think a cold shower might work a little better, next time. That, or not nearly drinking yourself to death.

Wanna buy a fort?

Well, you're in luck because someone is actually selling one on eBay.

A Civil War-era fort is on the technological auction block, eBay.

Fort Montgomery, built in 1844, was staffed during the war, however the fort never saw any real military combat action during the war between North and South.

Victor Podd who resides in Boca Raton and whose family owns the relic from the 1800’s says, “This is the first time it's been formally for sale.”

The article says the top bid is $1 million, so you're going to have to pull together quite a bit of dough. Stil, it's perfect for kids. They'll never have to build another fort to play in!

Dedication to quality funny

I've always admired people who are able to pull off elaborate practical jokes. I could never pull one off because, frankly, I'm a lazy bastard. These guys, on the other hand...

A practical joker got a taste of revenge when friends turned part of his apartment into a human-sized hamster cage, complete with shredded newspaper bedding, a six-foot exercise wheel and a giant water bottle.

"It was a lot of work, but it was one of those cases where you do it because you have to," said Keith Jewell, a longtime friend and neighbor who engineered Monday's hamster-cage prank on Luke Trerice.

And why did they do this? As revenge for another practical joke, of course.

Trerice, 28, had it coming: In 2004, he enlisted others to help him encase another friend's apartment and most of his belongings in aluminum foil.

The victim of that prank, Chris Kirk, spent nearly two years cleaning up the meticulous coating of foil, which was wrapped around everything from his toilet and CD collection to the individual coins in his spare change. [emphases mine]

Me, I'd be too tired after cleaning up for two fucking years to plot an elaborate revenge scheme. My hat is off to these guys for their dedication, however misplaced it may be.

Oh, and as for Trerice, he's already saving money for his revenge plot, of course.

Hooray for Bollywood

I found this dealie that lets you subtitle clips from Indian movies over at Garfield Ridge, and I've gotta say, it's a lot of fun. I made this one and this one. If you come up with a good one, post a link to it in the comments here or at the Garfield Ridge post I linked above. Dave's got a prize for the best one.

Girly boy

From (of course) the Land of the Rising Sun, let us examine the strange case of the seven-year-old tranny.

A young boy who believes he was born the wrong sex was allowed to enroll as a girl at an elementary school in southwestern Japan, a school official said Thursday.

The 7-year-old boy entered the school as a girl in April 2005 after he was diagnosed with gender identity disorder at age 6, a spokesman for the local school board said. The Japanese school year starts in April.

The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity to protect the identity of the boy and his school district, said the boy's name is listed with girl students, and that he attends a girls' gym class and uses the girls' bathroom. The boy, who's in the second grade, wears a girl's swimsuit at the school pool.

"At this point, we are relieved that the child was accepted into first grade and is being raised in a healthy manner," the official said.

Lemme get this (ahem) straight...this little boy thinks he should have been born a girl, dresses like a girl, uses the girls' bathroom, and s/he's "being raised in a healthy manner"? Uh, okay.

Katsuki Harima, a psychiatrist specializing in gender identity disorder at Tokyo Musashino Hospital, said the decision to allow the boy to enroll as a girl seemed appropriate, but would get complicated as he grew older.

[...]

"I am a bit concerned about the child's future," he added, saying he has never heard of a case like this before at an elementary school. "There will be problems."

Yeah, like when "she" sprouts a mustache and starts to sound like Toshiro Mifune.

Crimes of the very stupid

Okay, here's something that's a little different. Somebody stole an entire front yard--we're talking the grass, bushes, and the sprinkler system--from a house that was under construction in the Mojave Desert area. And though I give him some credit for creativity, the guy who did it doesn't seem like a real criminal mastermind.

Witnesses told the homeowner they saw the thief taking the sod, plants and irrigation system to a nearby residence, [sheriff's spokeswoman Staci] Johnson said.

David Roger Bowers, 34, was arrested at the home and booked for investigation of grand theft and possession of stolen property, the sheriff's spokeswoman said.

Okay, first of all, why would you steal someone's entire front yard? It seems awfully time consuming. Secondly, why would you steal a yard from someone who lives nearby? Doesn't that sound like something that people would, you know, notice?

Something you don't see every day

You can check out some video here of an aircraft carrier, the USS Oriskany, being detonated and sunk in the Gulf of Mexico to form the "the world's largest deliberately created artificial reef." It's kind of cool, seeing a ship that big going under (without being sunk by an enemy, I should add).

Some interesting facts about the ship, from the article linked above:

The Oriskany, commissioned in 1950 and named after an American Revolutionary War battle, saw duty during the Korean War and was home to John McCain when the Navy pilot and future senator served in Vietnam. It was also among the ships used by President Kennedy in a show of force during the 1962 Cuban missile crisis. It was decommissioned in 1976.

McCain was shot down over Hanoi in 1967 after taking off from the Oriskany and was held as a prisoner of war for five years.

It's also the first ship to be sunk as part of a new Navy program to create reefs out of old ships, which area officials hope will attract divers and fishermen.

Coming soon: The Bearded Clam Seafood House

So, you just want to relax and enjoy a nice taco, and a bunch of prudes and bluenoses have to go and ruin your fun.

The name of a new restaurant in Scottsdale is stirring up some trouble. The Las Vegas-based Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant is scheduled to open its second location in downtown Scottsdale in June.

Nearly half a dozen people in the upscale city recently expressed their objection to the name, claiming it's a derogatory slang term for a portion of the female anatomy.

Why, whatever do they mean? Oh, right. Heh.

In late April, the city received four e-mails, three of which bore no names, objecting to the restaurant's name.

One of those e-mails stated: "The City of Scottsdale has a very fine reputation around the world. Let's keep the standards high. Let's let what plays in Vegas stay in Vegas."

So, this whole thing stems from four whole e-mails, three of which weren't even signed? Wow. That's some crusade, there.

Restaurant spokeswoman Lisa Perez said the company's name comes from one of its menu items.

And that menu item itself isn't at all some sort of double entendre, just a regular old...pink taco. Gotcha.

Welcome back

One of my favorite bloggers, Michele, is back at a small victory after an extended hiatus. Hers was one of the first blogs I ever read, and I'm glad to see that she's back. If you've never been there, click over and check it out.

If you get this...

...you're probably a dork. I know I am.

Welcome, scantily-clad lady fans

My post on the teacher who's a member of the USA National Bikini Team has garnered me more than one hundred hits today, mostly from people doing searches on Yahoo. My apologies for not showing a picture of the lovely young lady, since many of you are doubtlessly disappointed. But thanks for stopping by.

Update 5/13: Okay, this is getting crazy now. More than 300 visitors today!

Sexual history

I'm a product of public schools here in California. Good public schools, actually. I'm just glad that I got out before everything went batshit crazy.

California is considering a change to the way it teaches history.

The state already requires mentions of the historical roles of women, African-Americans and Asians.

Today the Democratic-controlled state Senate approved a bill that would require social science textbooks to note the contributions homosexuals have made to history. It's apparently the first attempt to pass a law of this kind in the country, and of course it has sparked a furor.

You know, it's nice to be recognized for your achievements, and it's also nice to see people who you identify with recognized for the good things they've done, but come on! Do we really need to teach kids about the sexual proclicvities of historical figures? Where do you draw the line? What happens when the S & M crowd wants to be represented in the history books? Or NAMBLA?

I'm not attempting to be frivolous with those questions, either. When you start down this road with identity politics, I really don't see an end to it.

Teacher of the year

Where were all the hot female teachers when I was in high school? Most of my female teachers were in their forties or fifties, and none of them were anything like this one.

A high school teacher who posed for revealing photos on a Web site will not face any discipline, a school district official said Thursday.

The district's professional standards department decided Thursday not to investigate Erica Chevillar, whose photo spread on the USA National Bikini Team's Web site has become the talk of West Boca Raton High School. Chevillar, 25, is a first-year social studies teacher at the school.

"She didn't violate any school rules or policies or state laws," district spokesman Nat Harrington said.

Hey, she's also a member of the USA National Bikini Team, so I'd say she's a patriot and a hero too. Those kids are lucky to have someone who proudly represents her country on a national team.

She also doesn't seem to have made the mistake of sleeping with any of her students, which seems to be an overwhelming temptation for hot, young, female teachers these days, so she's obviously a person of great moral fiber.

I salute you, Miss Chevillar! With my hand, even.

Jesse heart Barry

Barry Bonds was raped by the Duke men's lacrosse team last night. Well, maybe not. But how else can you explain this?

Oh, right. There's a controversy and somebody involved is black. Yeah.

Chump change

This is pretty interesting. It turns out that it now costs the government more than five cents to make a nickel, and it claims that pennies are worth less than a cent. I actually saw something on the evening news that said that the cost of a pennny is now more than one cent because the price of the metals they're made of (mainly zinc these days) is rapidly rising.

Ah, here we go. It now costs 1.4 cents to make a penny. Government efficiency at its finest.

Kids these days

I place the blame for this sort of thing where it squarely belongs: on the violent teevee shows.

CHESTERTON, Ind. - A 17-year-old boy who police said asked a friend to hit him with a car "for fun" was still hospitalized Tuesday with a broken leg.

Maybe the teevee shows weren't violent enough. Otherwise, the kid wouldn't have had to get hit by a car "for fun."

Michael Morris, a junior at Chesterton High School, was in fair condition at Porter hospital, spokeswoman Robin Carlascio said.

His friend, Stephen D. Domonkos, 18, told police that Morris on Saturday night asked him to hit him with his car, something they had done before. He told police that Morris was "an adrenaline junkie."

[...]

Domonkos was charged with felony criminal recklessness. If convicted, he could face six months to three years in jail.

"I won't do this no more," Morris of Chesterton told The Times of Munster.

Well, the excitement has probably worn off by this point anyway, so they'll probably have to turn to something else. Maybe fire. Fire is always exciting. Yeah.

Best restaurant idea ever

I'm kicking myself for not having thought of this years ago.

A little late there, Moose

Just when we thought we wouldn't be hearing from Zacarias Moussaoui again for a good, long time, he's baaaaack!

Convicted terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui, declaring his surprise at having received a fair trial, asked a federal judge Monday to allow him to withdraw his guilty plea so he can be tried again. This time he won't lie on the witness stand, he said.

Well, that's big of him, I guess.

Judge Leonie M. Brinkema quickly turned down the request. She said federal law prevents a criminal defendant from withdrawing a guilty plea after sentencing. Moussaoui was given life in prison without parole Thursday.

"His motion is too late and must be denied on this basis alone," she said.

Ah, yes. The old "no takebacks" rule. It's there for a reason. Just because you don't like the outcome, you don't get to go back on your plea agreement.

Moussaoui, in a three-page affidavit filed in the U.S. District Court in Alexandria, Va., said he was "extremely surprised" that he received a fair sentencing trial over the last two months and admitted that he lied when he testified he had been preparing to fly a fifth hijacked plane into the White House on Sept. 11, 2001.

I think it's safe to say that a lot of people were "extremely surprised" by the sentencing.

Read the whoile thing, which, on the bright side, includes an opinion from a law professor stating that this may just provide an opportunity to execute the son of a bitch.

I should have such problems

Oh, my heart--it just bleeds for this, er, poor dear.

Most people probably dream of being the world's richest person — except, perhaps, the man himself.

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates told an online advertising conference Wednesday that he'd prefer not to be the richest person in the world.

"I wish I wasn't," he said in a session in which he was being interviewed by Donny Deutsch, the host of an interview show on CNBC.

Gates is ranked by Forbes magazine as the world's richest individual, with an estimated wealth of about $50 billion.

"There's nothing good that comes out of that," he said. "You get more visibility as a result of it."

There's nothing good about sitting on the biggest pile of cash in the world? Nothing? I mean, heck, doesn't it feel good just to know that you could help a hell of a lot of people with all that scratch? Or the fact that you could buy a Ferarri for every day of the month and then foist them off on the children of the slightly rich as birthday presents once they're used?

You know, Mr. Gates, if you don't feel like hanging on to all that filthy lucre, I wouldn't mind at all if you threw a couple billion my way. Heck, even a few million would help a brother out, you know.

Deduct your moneymaker

The world of accounting just got a little sexier. Well, maybe not the world, but Australia? Oh yeah.

Prostitutes, strippers and lap dancers can claim tax deductions for adult toys and lingerie, officials said Friday, as the Australian Taxation Office issued a list of deductible items for the sex industry.

Condoms, lubricants, gels and oils are among a myriad of other items that these workers can claim against tax, according to a fact sheet issued on the office's Web site.

[...]

"You can claim the cost of replacing or repairing things like equipment, adult novelties and other apparatus used in your work," the office advises, under a section titled "tools of trade."

Really, when you work in the skin trade and your "equipment, adult novelties and other apparatus" wear out, replacement is probably the better option. Repairing them? Not so much.

Life imitates South Park

Cripple fight!

A legless Indiana man's attempt to do a good turn for a deaf drinking companion ended with one man charged with battery and the other with drunken driving.

Kent Hisey, who has two prosthetic legs and uses a walker, offered James Mills a ride home from the Playboy Lounge in New Chicago, the Gary (Ind.) Post-Tribune reports. But Hisey became angry when Mills' attempts to direct him led to a series of wrong turns.

Hisey pulled over at the Porter County Airport and tried to pull Mills from the car. He says Mills knocked him down, the newspaper account said.

Both of them ended up in jail, Hisey for the assault and Mills for drunk driving. Not a big deal really, but still, cripple fight!

Holding a grudge

The Indiana court of appeals has upheld a man's murder conviction in a case where he admitted to police that he'd smothered his infant son to death with plastic wrap. Now, there's rarely a good reason for murder, but this guy did it because of an incredibly petty grudge.

[Ronald] Shanabarger was convicted of murder in May of 2002 for suffocating his seven-month-old son, Tyler, in June of 1999. He said he did it to get revenge on his wife for skipping his father's funeral three years earlier, before the couple had married.

Dude, sometimes you just have to let these things go. Hopefully, he'll serve his whole 49 year prison term, though he could get out by 2023.

Who's protected?

There's an interesting article here about the Voting Rights Act being used in eastern Mississippi to protect whites against alleged abuses by a powerful black political operative.

Ike Brown is a legend in Mississippi politics, a fast-talking operative both loved and hated for his ability to turn out black voters and get his candidates into office.

That success has also landed him at the heart of a federal lawsuit that's about to turn the Voting Rights Act on its end.

For the first time, the U.S. Justice Department is using the 1965 law to allege racial discrimination against whites.

Brown, head of the Democratic Party in Mississippi's rural Noxubee County, is accused of waging a campaign to defeat white voters and candidates with tactics including intimidation and coercion. Also named in the lawsuit is Circuit Clerk Carl Mickens, who has agreed to refrain from rejecting white voters' absentee ballots considered defective while accepting similar ballots from black voters.

[...]

The Justice Department complaint says Brown and those working with him "participated in numerous racial appeals during primary and general campaigns and have criticized black citizens for supporting white candidates and for forming biracial political coalitions with white candidates."

Brown is dismissive of the charges, claiming that the only reason people are targeting him is that he's been so politically successful. That may well be the case. I don't know Brown and I don't know the area in question. But if the allegations prove to be true, they point to the nastier side of racial identity politics. Furthermore, they sound like the kind of tactics that the segregationists used in the South in the bad old days*, though the shoe seems to have shifted to the other foot, so to speak.

But for my money, this is the most interesting part of the story:

The federal case against Brown, scheduled for trial this fall, represents a change in direction in the use of the Voting Rights Act, says Jon Greenbaum, director of the voting rights project for the Washington-based Lawyers Committee for Civil Rights Under Law.

The law was written to protect racial minorities in the 1960s when Mississippi and other Southern states strictly enforced segregation.

"The main concern we have in the civil rights community isn't necessarily that that DOJ brought this case," Greenbaum says. "It's that the department is not bringing meritorious cases on behalf of African-American and Native American voters."

Now, the area in question, Noxubee County, is 69 percent black and 30 percent white, according to the article. If there's a "meritorious" case to be made that the votes of a white minority population are being supressed through means that violate federal law, shouldn't Greenbaum and his group be just as concerned as they would be if the victims were black or Native American? Call me paranoid, but if the reverse were true, wouldn't the Lawyers Committee for Civil Rights Under Law be howling for blood?

I guess the real question is: when it comes to racial identity politics, are some minorities more worthy of protection than others?

*Update: I should note that the article does not mention violence or other physical intimidation, which was, of course, a widespread problem during the segregationist days. The situation is not, thus, exactly equivalent, though it is troubling.

Illegal Alien Day

Honestly, I don't have much to say about it that hasn't already been said. I don't like the idea of hundreds of thousands of people who are in this country illegally trying to shut down cities to demand rights that they're not afforded by our Constitution (by virtue of the fact that they're here, I reiterate, illegally) but what can you do?

I'm not against immigration. In fact, I would say that the majority of my friends' parents were born in other countries. But they came here the right way, followed all of the rules, worked hard, learned to speak English, and, for the most part, became citizens of this country. Do we really want to shit all over the hard work that people like that go through, often waiting for years and years to become citizens, only to throw open the door and say, "Well, you're here anyway, so why not just jump to the front of the line?" I don't think so.

If anyone's going to call me a racist for saying these things, fine. Because if that's the case, I don't think there's any chance that there can be a rational dialogue between people like me and the types who silence debate by playing that card at every opportunity.

These are thorny issues, and there aren't any solutions that are going to make everyone happy, but something eventually has to be done. We can't exist as a free and democratic society forever if we have a large class of people who aren't assimilating into mainstream American life and are living like slaves to boot. On the other hand, I don't think knuckling under because those same people took to the streets, many of them making demands in foreign languages and waving other nations' flags, is really going to play in Peoria. It's going to piss a lot of people off.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Allahpundit has a link-rich post here. Check it out.

Tom Cruise, hero

And here, everybody thought the guy was some kind of nutjob. It turns out that he's actually curing drug addicts.

The star of the upcoming Mission: Impossible III tells GQ readers to think twice before polluting their bodies with psychotropic chemicals. Also, if you're craving crack, give him a call.

"I've always found the 'If it makes me feel better, it's OK' rationale a little suspect," he says. "I think it's appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get off drugs."

Cruise adds that using Scientology detox protocols, he can get someone off heroin in three days.

Why didn't we previously know about his heroic public service, helping junkies kick the pipe or the smack? My guess is that he's just too damn modest.

Well, sir, let me be the first to say, "Bravo! You're not at all some kind of lunatic!"

The stuff you can find on INTERNET

Most people just buy baseball cards or toys or things like that on eBay, but this guy took things to a whole new level.

A Chinese businessman has bought a MiG-21f plane from a U.S. seller on the online auction Web site eBay for US$24,730 (euro19,726) and plans to use it to decorate an empty space at his offices, a newspaper reported Sunday.

The Beijing News newspaper identified the Chinese buyer as Zhang Cheng.

"I like to collect valuable items. I have the buying power and my company has an empty space where I can display the plane," the newspaper quoted Zhang as saying.

Less than $25,000 for a fighter jet? Sounds like a bargain, if you asked me. Although it was Soviet-made. Meh.

Somehow, though, I am heartened to see life imitating Ray Smuckles.

Blaming the victim?

Did you know that an underage person appearing in sexually explicit photos could be charged with child pornography? Well, it seems like that's the case here.

Two teenage girls face child pornography charges after posting sexually explicit photographs of themselves on the Internet.

The pornographic pictures of Elizabeth Muller, 19, of North Smithfield [Rhode Island], and an unidentified 16-year-old Lincoln girl were discovered on MySpace.com, a social networking Web site, said a spokesman for the attorney general's office.

The photos of the two teenagers together were posted on each of their respective Web site accounts, spokesman Michael Healey said. The 16-year-old was arraigned before a Family Court judge Monday on a charge of child pornography and violating a court-ordered curfew, Healey said.

Now, that just seems weird. I can understand how the 19-year-old, as an adult, would be charged with child pornography--and she is, but I would tend to think that the younger girl would be viewed as having been exploited. Maybe the age of consent in Rhode Island (which, according to this site is sixteen) comes into play here, but it still seems odd.

And of course the pictures were posted on MySpace. It seems like teens who commit crimes (or are about to do so) are drawn to MySpace like moths are drawn to a fire.

Slander!

You're not going to believe this (I know I sure as hell didn't) but Snoop got arrested! Say it ain't so, Snoop!

The U.S. rap star Snoop Dogg and five of his associates have been arrested in Britain after a disturbance at London's Heathrow Airport.

Police told British media that the musician, who was born with the name Calvin Broadus, and members of his entourage were being held on charges of "violent disorder and affray."

The group was waiting for a flight to South Africa, where Snoop Dogg was to perform in a concert Thursday, when it was denied access to a first-class lounge at the airport. Police said members of the group later threw bottles of whisky in a duty-free store and scuffled with police.

Okay, I actually didn't believe it because Snoop got arrested and there was apparently no weed involved. Other than that, yeah, I can believe it.

Still ain't nothin' to say

According to the title of this article, the English language now has one billion words. Or maybe not.

Oxford University Press lexicographer Catherine Soanes said the database is not a collection of 1 billion different words, but of sentences and other examples of the usage and spelling.

A lot of this stuff is recent slang and jargon like "celebutante" and "retail politics." I have no idea what the latter even means.

Launched in January 2000, the Oxford English Corpus is part of the world's largest-funded language research project, costing $90,000-$107,000 per year.

It has helped identify how the spellings of common phrases have changed, such as "fazed by" to "phased by" or "free rein" to "free reign."

"Buck naked" increasingly has evolved to "butt naked."

Dang, I gots to get my hands on some of that sweet, sweet research cash. I think I could put together a study on the usage of terms like "n00b" and "teh sux0rz." Cha-ching!

Rick Monday, patriot

Take that, hippies!

Thirty years ago today, when I was little more than a month old, the Chicago Cubs were playing a game here in L.A. against the Dodgers when a father and son jumped out of the stands and into the outfield, where they tried to burn an American flag. Cubs center fielder Rick Monday, who would later play for the Dodgers (and is currently one of their broadcasters) saw what they were up to and managed to grab the lighter fluid-soaked flag away from the protesters. Afterward, the crowd spontaneously broke into "God Bless America."

You can read more about the incident (and hear Vin Scully's play-by-play account of it--yay INTERNET!), which was recently named one of baseball's 100 greatest moments by the Hall of Fame, here and here.

Update: Welcome Florida Cracker readers! Feel free to look around and leave comments. Thanks for stopping by.

You can't dust for vomit

Okay, this is a little weird. I'm not exactly sure why the cops are involved. Maybe it's part of a crackdown on littering.

Sheriff's deputies in Henry County [Iowa] are stuck in the middle of a less than appetizing investigation. Investigators are trying to find the person who has dumped bags of what appears to be human vomit in ditches in a 1 1/2-mile area northeast of the city.

Deputy Dan Wesley said as many as 50 garbage and trash bags containing regurgitated food has been dumped over the past three years.

Bags, ranging in size from small white trash bags to large black lawn bags, have been found with only a couple of inches of the substance in them, Wesley said.

They ought to keep an eye out for a skinny teenage girl with subscriptions to several fashion magazines. That, or Karen Carpenter.

A sample was taken from one of the bags and sent to a private lab for analysis.

"We haven't found any DNA or anything yet," he said.

[...]

"We were just hoping ... whoever is doing it will stop," Wesley said.

But if that happens, how will you catch this nefarious fiend? I mean, someone definitely ought to be in prison for this kind of crime spree.

Oh no, it asplode!

If you like seeing things like a fighter jet crashing into a wall and exploding over and over and from several different angles, you should probably click here.

You're not helping, perckerwoods

The debate over illegal immigration reform can be heated and contentious, but this kind of thing is ridiculous, and it sure as hell doesn't help the side that wants to strengthen our border security and see the laws enforced.

Prominent Hispanic elected officials, including the mayor of Los Angeles and California's lieutenant governor, have received threats in the midst of a heated national debate over immigration policy, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said Monday.

Schwarzenegger told reporters about the threats against Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante, both Democrats, during a news conference in his office Monday.

"There's something very important that I need to speak to my fellow Californians about," he said. "It has come to my attention that our Lieutenant Governor Bustamante and our Los Angeles Mayor Villaraigosa and other elected officials of Mexican heritage have received disturbing and hateful death threats."

[...]

Bustamante spokesman Steve Green said the lieutenant governor appeared at some immigration rallies with Villaraigosa at the end of March and received "nasty e-mails" afterward. The threat came about three weeks ago on a blank postcard, he said.

"We got one postcard from Pasadena that said words to the effect, 'All you dirty Mexicans should go back to Mexico. The only good Mexican is a dead Mexican,"' Green said.

And there you go. Some racist asshole makes threats like this, and I can guarantee that this just gives ammunition to the other side of the political debate. "Look at the racist bullshit that they're espousing," someone will say.

If you want to disagree with someone's politics, that's your right. This kind of thing is beyond the pale, though. Stupid, too. Really stupid.

The power of logic

Man, don't you just hate it when something like this happens?

HAYWARD, Calif. - A man who spent five hours naked and stuck in the chimney of his stepmother's home was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs, police said.

Really? Drugs? I never would've guessed.

Police say Michael Urbano, 23, locked himself out of the house early Saturday morning and decided to get in on a cable TV wire through the chimney.

But the wire broke and Urbano fell, getting stuck about three-quarters of the way down. He was freed when a firefighter pushed him to safety.

"We get him up, and he's naked as a jaybird," said Hayward police Lt. Gary Branson. "He tells us he took his clothes off because there would be less friction going down the chute. We did find his clothes. So that part checked out."

Now, with solid reasoning like that, I just find it hard to believe that this guy was on drugs. I mean, what would you have done?

Sen. Giant Douche, D-Mass.

John Kerry took time out of his busy schedule of doing...what, exactly...to give a speech in Boston last night about how dissent against the war in Iraq is patriotic and compared it to (surprise!) Vietnam.

I was listening to ABC News on the radio on the way home and heard the following nugget, which they didn't include in the story they had on the speech on their website:

Then, and even now, there were many alarmed by dissent—many who thought that staying the course would eventually produce victory—or that admitting the mistake and ending it would embolden our enemies around the world. History disproved them before another decade was gone: Fourteen years elapsed between the first major American commitment of helicopters and pilots to Vietnam and the fall of Saigon. Fourteen years later, the Berlin Wall fell, and with it the Communist threat. You cannot tell me that withdrawing from Vietnam earlier would have changed that outcome.

Maybe not, Sen. Giant Douche, but my friend's dad, who spent time in a communist "re-education" camp after the fall of Saigon and subsequently fled Vietnam with millions of other refugees, could not be reached for comment.

Osama bin Laden, on the other hand, quipped, "The American people had risen against their government's war in Vietnam. They must do the same today."*

*Yes, that was a cheap shot, but I just couldn't help myself.

What was that about the "culture of corruption," again?

Oh, snap! This is hi-frigging-larious.

The top Democrat on the House ethics committee agreed Friday to leave the panel to defend his financial conduct and ease the political burden on a party that has made Republican corruption a major campaign theme.

Rep. Alan Mollohan, D-W.Va., decided on his own to step down at least temporarily, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said. His presence on the committee, while under an ethics cloud, would have undermined Democratic accusations that majority Republicans allow a "culture of corruption" in Congress.

Shut up, really? Later in the article, while trying to blame the resignation of the (and you'll have to excuse me, but I love pointing this out) senior Democrat on the Ethics Committee over shady financial conduct, Pelosi just couldn't help herself and dropped the whole "Republican culture of corruption" line again.

It is to laugh. Well, it would be if these people weren't trying to wrest back control of at least one house of congress.

To think I nearly missed it

Hey all you stoners out there, I almost forgot that today was 4/20, brahs! I bet you guys, like, got totally baked! Did you wake up at 4:20 this morning for a little wake and bakeage?

Oh, I'm sorry to harsh your mellow, but did anybody mention that you were kind of celebrating this guy's birthday?

There she is....

There's an interesting article on Fox News about unusual beauty pagents. Did you know, for instance, that geeks have pagents? Well, it's true.

The Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant, held every year at the Star Trek Convention at Dragon*Con in Atlanta, aims to discover beauties who are out of this world.

But this pageant's definition of beauty might seem alien to most of us — these ladies get glammed up to assume the persona of any female Klingon character, official or created, from "Star Trek."

"[The pageant features] the most beautiful women the Klingon Empire has to offer, to be judged in Beauty, Talent and Personality categories," it says on the Miss Klingon Web site.

There are a couple of pictures at the Fox News link and more at the Miss Klingon site, and let's just say that they have a...somewhat different standard of beauty. That's okay, though. Klingon gals need love, too.

Oh. Yay.

Well, I guess we'll all just have to hold our breath for the rest of the year...

Former Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said on Thursday he was seriously thinking about another White House bid in 2008 and will decide before the year is out.

"I will make that decision toward the end of the year, but I'm thinking about it hard," Kerry said in response to a question at the Latin Economic Forum at the United Nations.

Sounds like the appropriate place for Kerry to be mulling over his future plans for higher office. Wait, no it doesn't. Besides, it took valuable time away from his carping about the Bush administration's foreign policy in Latin America, which is, I guess, his patriotic duty. Or something.

Anyway, here's a little red meat for the moonbats:

"If you can get help me find 60,000 votes in Ohio ...," he joked, referring to the close race in that state on which his 2004 loss to President Bush hinged.

Ah, the plaintive sound of the Democrat sore loser. At least Kerry still has a job (of sorts). If it weren't for that, he'd probably be heading to Crazy Town with Al Gore.

Knock knock, can I cop a feel?

You know, this kind of thing never works. Or...uh...so I've been told.

A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday.

One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said.

That was when she became suspicious? I think I would have been suspicious when a dirty old man showed up at my front door offering to feel me up, but that's just me. I'm kind of a prude.

The white-haired suspect, Philip Winikoff, carried a black bag and claimed to be visiting on behalf of a local hospital.

"He told the woman that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams," sheriff's spokesman Hugh Graf said in a statement.

And they say nobody does housecalls anymore. There's a reason for that, you know--it's because real doctors don't tend to do housecalls anymore, especially not when they're just "in the neighborhood offering free breast exams." Think, people.

Goodbye, cruel world

The sad thing about this story is that there are plenty of people who'd be willing to help the guy for a nominal fee. I know because they're constantly sending me e-mail.

An 18-year-old student jumped to his death because he was convinced his genitals were too small, a Singapore coroner's report said on Wednesday.

In delivering the verdict of suicide, state Coroner Tan Boon Heng said that the incident highlighted the importance of sex education in and outside schools.

The junior college student's death showed that even intelligent young people can be "victims of misinformation," Tan said.

"The deceased was so tormented by his unfounded (belief in his) inadequacy that it drove him to end his life," the ruling said.

Now, if you think I'm going to stoop to making a joke at the expense of the guy's ethnicity (he was Asian), you're sorely mistaken. I have too much class for that.

I will, however, make fun of him for the following:

The youth had confided in his mother in October that he was worried that his private parts were too small.

Dude, going to your mom and telling her that you're worried that your junk is too small is just teh ghey.

(via Fark)

Mmmmmm...sammich

Great googly-moogly, I can feel my arteries hardening just by reading about this, and I love it.

As if the Hardee's family of Monster Thickburgers didn't offer enough meat, the company's latest version adds steak meat on top of an already large slab of beef.

The meat-on-meat Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger, launched Tuesday, features one-third of a pound of Angus beef, along with both Swiss and American cheeses, green peppers and onions. And piled atop all of that is thinly sliced steak meat.

"We actually found in this case, the only way to make a burger taste like a cheesesteak was to literally put the steak on it," said Brad Haley, executive vice president of marketing for the St. Louis-based chain.

Personally, I think I'd pass on the green peppers, but that sounds pretty tasty. Unsurprisingly, the usual killjoys have their panties in a twist.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a Washington-based advocate for nutrition and health, said Hardee's continues to add unhealthy offerings at a time when the nation is suffering from an obesity epidemic.

"What's next a pork chop on top?" CSPI senior nutritionist Jayne Hurley asked. "I'm always amazed they can always go one step further than I can imagine."

Well, then, I guess we should be on the lookout for a burger topped with a slab of baby back ribs, shouldn't we, Jayne? But last time I looked, we still lived in America, and restaurants are free to sell food to people who are, in turn, free to choose where and what to eat. In other words, fuck off. Anyway, I like Hardee's response:

"We have salads on our menu, we have charbroiled chicken breast and a variety of low-carb options," Haley said. "But we don't see anything wrong with making the delicious, decadent burger available to people who want it.

"You almost get two sandwiches for the price of one."

That's value, people.

Why?

One of my few, simple pleasures is the adult swim lineup on Cartoon Network. They run funny stuff like Aqua Teen Hungerforce, Futurama, Family Guy, and The Venture Bros., along with a few anime shows that I like. In other words, they show cartoons that adults can enjoy. That said, why the hell would they start showing this?

I guess the people who are responsible for programming over at a.s. think it's ironic or funny or something, but the fan reaction has been...tepid, at best.

Terrorist beats spokesduck

Apparently, there's a list of the least sexy men on Earth, and Gilbert Gottfried is at the top of the list. Since Osama bin Laden came in at #8, I guess that means he's marginally sexier than Gottfried. Who knew?

Update: The full list is available here. Contains salty language.

Taking "bite me" too seriously

Remember Armin Meiwes, the German cannibal guy? Well, he's back in the news.

A sex expert at the retrial of a German cannibal jailed for killing a man and feeding on his flesh said Tuesday the defendant had not been motivated by a desire to kill but by his victim's wish to be eaten.

Armin Meiwes, who was jailed two years ago for killing a computer engineer who had begged to be eaten, is standing trial for the second time after Germany's top criminal court ruled that his eight-year sentence for manslaughter was too lenient.

So far, this sounds a little weird, but we're about to take a trip right into the Twilight Zone.

Meiwes's defense hinges on his victim's request to be eaten and that he was simply fulfilling this desire, a view backed up by a sex psychologist who addressed the court in Frankfurt.

"He (Meiwes) was convinced that he wanted it and that he would live on within him," Klaus Beier told the court. "His motivation was not to kill." [emphasis mine]

Ohhhhhh kay. I'm not any kind of expert, but that sounds like some serious crazy.

Beier described Meiwes as an affable, self-confident and positive man, who apart from his crime would have done little to attract attention.

Sounds like the old joke: "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

He told the crowded court how Meiwes had searched the Internet for a suitable partner, trawling through advertisements including one from a 26-year-old who was looking for "a likeable, older gentleman to read me my death sentence."

His search had been fruitless, however, until he met Bernd-Juergen Brandes, who had advertised for someone to "obliterate his life and leave no trace."

Again, I'm not an expert on the law--especially German law--but that sounds like intent to me. He was actively looking for somebody to eat.

Anyway, if you want some of the more grisly details, you can find them at the second page of the article, along with some psychobabble about how he did this because his daddy left him. Yeah.

Perfect for the whiny, emo Old One who has everything

I guess now we know why Cthulhu sleeps so much--it turns out he's depressed!

(h/t Maggie Katzen)

Snip snip

Sorry, Riley, but when Bob Barker tells you to do something, you'd better get it done.

Dirty, dirty retirees

Typos can have hilarious results sometimes. Take this, for instance.

The Arkansas Teacher Retirement System doesn't encourage its members to call phone sex lines. But that changed this week, thanks to a typo.

The retirement system sent out letters to retirees and active teachers explaining how to name beneficiaries in the event of their death, said David Malone, the association's executive director.

Some of the pages in the letter listed the correct toll-free number associated with the program, he said. But one page listed a toll-free number that brought callers to a recording of a seductive woman's voice.

"Hi, baby! Do you want to massage my feet or suck my toes?" the woman asks. She goes on to explain that "foot fetish fun is only 69 cents per minute" and offers another number to call "for all the hot, one-on-one triple-X toe talk you can handle."

Malone said they've had a few calls about the mix-up, but he doesn't mention any complaints. Funny, that.

About "Cartoon Wars"

I just watched part 2 of the South Park send-up on the Danish Mohammed cartoons controversy, and I thought I'd share my thoughts on it with the rest of you.

First of all, the whole thing was obviously about the media's craven cover-your-ass stance when it came to whether or not to show the cartoons. But it also dealt with Comedy Central's handling of the "Trapped in the Closet" episode of the show, which the network refused to re-run, supposedly because of pressure from Tom Cruise.

Now, I'm just talking out of my ass here because I obviously don't know any of the people involved with the show, but I doubt that Trey Parker and Matt Stone ever actually intended to show an image of Mohammed in the episode. I think they actually wanted to kick Comedy Central over the way they handled "Trapped," and I think Comedy Central played along in order to generate controversy. Remember, there's no such thing as bad publicity, and look what happened. There's more here, here, and here, and that's just a quick sampling from bloggers I regularly read, but those are the natural reactions I'd expect from the right side of the blogosphere.

And just look at this Washington Post article (more free publicity!) on the whole brouhaha. Parker and Stone, who aren't usually shy about making their opinions known, don't comment. The closest they could come to a comment from them was the following:

Parker and Stone were angered when told by Comedy Central several weeks ago that they could not run an image of Muhammad, according to a person close to the show who didn't want to be identified because of the issue's sensitivity.

And getting back to the episode itself, Kyle tells a Fox executive, "Either it's all OK, or none of it is. Do the right thing." And that executive from another network does the right thing, in spite of being threatened directly with violence. The episode then almost immediately cuts to...Comedy Central's supposed censorship of the image of Mohammed. Think there might be a message there?

It will be interesting to see what develops in the near future. Will Stone and Parker authorize people online to stream an "uncensored" version of the episode? Will they release a statement? Will Comedy Central refuse to show repeats of this episode, which previously had Mohammed as a character? Only time will tell.

I really think this was about sticking it to Comedy Central (and, by extension, the media in general) and they just decided to play along because of the attention they knew it would get, but I'm just a simple country lawyer.

(Okay, I lied about that last part.)

What the hell?

Can someone please explain to me why this story about the Phoenix Suns was the top story on the front page of the Los Angeles Times sports section this morning? You know, we have a few sports teams right here in the SoCal area, so I kind of doubt that there wasn't anything local going on for their sports writers to write about.

The View from left field

It never ceases to amaze me that some people still argue that the MSM doesn't tilt to the left (*cough* Eric Alterman *cough*) or doubt that members of the media are out of touch with the sentiments of the majority or the American people.

This post, detailing how the ladies on The View couldn't understand why Dick Cheney would want to throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener--while, incredibly, simultaneously complaining that he's usually out of the public eye!--and groused that having three wounded servicemen on the field with him was "like putting a baby in front of you when someone is trying to shoot you," is like the perfect storm of cluelessness and lefty talking points.

As far as I can tell, they stopped short of disparaging Mom and apple pie. Perhaps they'll have time for that segment on tomorrow's show.

Name's the same

I really don't know how nobody involved with the following debacle was able to see this coming:

An embarrassed charter school has discovered it booked the wrong Jon Stewart for its annual gala. The DaVinci Academy thought it had made a deal with comedian Jon Stewart, star of "The Daily Show" and host of this year's Academy Awards, to appear next week.

It sent out 500 invitations to businesses and planned for 900 people.

But last week, it learned that it had booked Jon A. Stewart, a former motivational speaker, businessman and part-time professional wrestler from Chicago.

School leaders said that earlier in the year they had sent out invitations to a number of celebrities, speakers and authors for the school's annual benefit dinner.

A Stewart had responded, and through months of discussion there was no indication that they had not booked the Stewart they wanted, officials said.

I'm sorry, but the guy who hosted the Oscars just ain't really likely to show up at some school event like that unless he's an alum. And how likely is the Jon Stewart, snarky liberal host of the Blue state America's favorite comedy news show, to perform at a charter school in ultra-Red Utah?

Needless to say, the other Jon Stewart's appearance has been canceled and refunds have been offered, but...duh.

Pay up, sucka!

Dang, I've had letters from the phone company looking for late payments before, but this is just f'n crazy.

A Malaysian man said he nearly fainted when he recieved a $218 trillion phone bill and was ordered to pay up within 10 days or face prosecution, a newspaper reported Monday.

Yahaya Wahab said he disconnected his late father's phone line in January after he died and settled the 84 ringgit ($23) bill, the New Straits Times reported.

But Telekom Malaysia later sent him a 806,400,000,000,000.01 ringgit ($218 trillion) bill for recent telephone calls along with orders to settle within 10 days or face legal proceedings, the newspaper reported.

First of all, I can't be the only one who thinks that the "ringgit" is quite possibly the most appropriate unit of currency for phone bills, right? Secondly, I just don't think he's going to be able to come up with that much cash, even if he goes to one of those check-cashing places.

But this is my favorite part of the article:

It wasn't clear whether the bill was a mistake, or if Yahaya's father's phone line was used illegally after after his death.

I'm leaning toward the "mistake" explanation. I mean, lots of things are theoretically possible, like black holes and Loch Ness Monsters and stuff, but how probable is it that someone could make $218 trillion in phone calls over a few months?

And yes, that is a challenge.

Nazis planned to expand Holocaust

Interesting article here about Nazi plans to conquer British-controlled Palestine and exterminate the Jews living therein:

In 1942, the Nazis created a special "Einsatzgruppe", a mobile SS death squad, which was to carry out the mass slaughter of Jews in Palestine similar to the way they operated in eastern Europe, the historians argue in a new study.

The director of the Nazi research centre in Ludwigsburg, Klaus-Michael Mallman, and Berlin historian Martin Cueppers say an Einsatzgruppe was all set to go to Palestine and begin killing the roughly half a million Jews that had fled Europe to escape Nazi death camps like Auschwitz and Birkenau.

In the study, published last month, they say "Einsatzgruppe Egypt" was standing by in Athens and was ready to disembark for Palestine in the summer of 1942, attached to the "Afrika Korps" led by the famed desert commander General Erwin Rommel.

[...]

"The central plan for the group was the realisation of the Holocaust in Palestine," the authors wrote in their study that appears in a book entitled "Germans, Jews, Genocide: The Holocaust as History and the Present."

Of course, Rommel's troops never made it there, largely due to the Allied victory at the battle of El Alamein. Here's the least surprising part of the story (aside from the fact that Nazis wanted to kill Jews):

As they did in eastern Europe, the plan was for the 24 members involved in the death squad to enlist Palestinian collaborators so that the "mass murder would continue under German leadership without interruption."

Fortunately for the Jews in Palestine, "Einsatzgruppe Egypt" never made it out of Greece.

"The history of the Middle East would have been completely different and a Jewish state could never have been established if the Germans and Arabs had joined forces," the historians conclude. [my emphasis]

Well, that sounds pretty far-fetched, huh?

Oh. Nevermind.

Kaboom!

Some students in an adult education class in Ventura learned a valuable lesson recently. Namely, you shouldn't mess with artillery shells.

A teacher who kept a 40 mm shell on his desk as a paperweight blew off part of his hand when he apparently used the object to try to squash a bug, authorities say.

The 5-inch-long shell exploded Monday while Robert Colla was teaching 20 to 25 students at an adult education class.

Part of Colla's right hand was severed and he suffered severe burns and minor shrapnel wounds to his forearms and torso, fire Capt. Tom Weinell said. No one else was injured. He was reported in stable condition at a hospital.

[...]

Colla found the 40 mm round while hunting years ago and "obviously he didn't think the round was live," said Dennis Huston, who teaches computer design alongside Colla.

Well, I guess now he knows better, huh?

Wanna see something weird?

If you answered yes, then click here. It's kind of old, I think, but it's still pretty weird.

You can't say I didn't warn you.

Up next: drowning some puppies

Damn, this is pretty f'n low.

Denmark's largest security firm has lost a big contract and three guards could go to prison for stealing toys intended for sick children.

State Hospital in Copenhagen fired the security firm, Falck Securitas, after the guards were caught on video stealing toys, games and DVDs intended for Ronald McDonald House, a private institution at the hospital that provides a comfortable place for sick children and their families to spend time together, the Copenhagen Post reported.

You know, if those security guards wanted to play with the sick kids' toys, they could've just asked. Because most kids know how to share.

I bet he hates Mom and apple pie, too

I was reading this article about how President Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the opening day game in Cincinnati yesterday when this little tidbit jumped right out at me:

Jimmy Carter is the only president who did not throw out a ceremonial first pitch on Opening Day during his tenure.

Of course he didn't. He was too busy playing tennis, fighting killer rabbits, and bungling our foreign policy.

Ugh

I went to visit my Great Aunt down in San Diego over the weekend. She's 84 years old, and because of a course of physical therapy she's been on for the past few years, she looks healthier than she did at 74.

We had a nice visit, got to eat lunch, and caught up on what her kids and grandkids have been up to. One of them is going into Navy SEAL training in a couple of months, so that's cool.

There was one disturbing thing, though. I saw a copy of this on her coffee table. Ugh. Being respectful of my elders, I didn't say anything, but still...ugh.