You may kiss the bride again once the stitches heal

It's an old cliche that people cry at weddings, but I have a feeling that there were a few more tears shed here than at the average nuptials:

A 31-year-old Three Forks man accused of hitting his pregnant sister in the mouth with a wrench during her wedding reception has pleaded not guilty. David J. Sicotte appeared in District Court on Wednesday on charges of assault with a weapon, a felony, and disorderly conduct.

Prosecutors said he arrived at the reception uninvited Aug. 27, pushed his sister's new mother-in-law to the ground and started fighting with the groom. Witnesses said Sicotte later came at his sister with the wrench.

A wrench isn't really the kind of thing one traditionally brings to that kind of event, but perhaps that explains why he wasn't invited in the first place.

The Real Housewives of This One Weirdo's House

I'm not a big fan of reality teevee shows in general, but I really don't like the ones that exploit entire families as their whole premise. But the idea of basing your very own show around your illegal polygamous relationship seems like an especially bad idea:

The new reality TV show "Sister Wives," featuring a real-life advertising salesman and four women he calls his spouses, has sparked a criminal bigamy investigation by police in Utah, officials said.

The show, following the lives of Kody Brown, 41, the four women and their 16 children, premiered on the TLC cable channel on Sunday, catching the attention of authorities in the Utah town of Lehi just south of Salt Lake City, where the family lives together in a large house.

"We looked into it, and we have detectives working on this case now," Lehi police Lt. Darren Paul told Reuters.

No arrests have been made, but the investigation findings will be turned over to the local district attorney's office for review, he said.

The Brown family released a statement on Tuesday saying they were "disappointed" but were aware of the risks of doing the reality show.

"But for the sake of our family, and most importantly, our kids, we felt it was a risk worth taking," the statement said.

Oh, I see. You did it For The Children™. That makes a hell of a lot of sense, especially seeing as how doing the show could lead to you going to prison and the authorities breaking up your family.

Yeah.

When sweatpants are just a little too classy

I guess it's somewhat comforting (heh) to know that we Americans aren't the only people in the world who buy stupid shit like this:

The House of Bath said snuggle suits, fleece jumpsuits with elastic at the wrists and ankles, are selling at a rate of more than 350 per month, outselling the slanket, a blanket with sleeves, more than 3-to-1, The Daily Telegraph reported Tuesday.

The retailer is billing the snuggle suit as "prettier than a tracksuit and more comfortable for lounging in than a bathrobe."

Um, aside from the fact that the "slanket" sounds like a cross between a blanket and a skank (and really, that sounds comforting) correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the "snuggle suit" already exist? I'm pretty sure I had something like that when I was little, called "jammies."

Rest assured (well, maybe that's not the right word) that you'll be seeing people wearing these during one of your future weekend visits to a supermarket. Fun!

Theory tested

Most of us have normal thought processes, so when confronted by a Taser-wielding cop, we simply comply with his commands. And then, there are people like this guy:

A Cheyenne man who doused himself with white latex paint in hopes of avoiding a police Taser was hit with the stun gun anyway.

The Taser chase happened Sept. 16, when Cheyenne police went to Brian Mattert's house on a domestic violence call. The Wyoming Tribune Eagle reports that when police arrived, Mattert thought they'd use a Taser on him, so he hastily covered himself in paint and told officers that if they shot him with the stun gun, he'd die.

The cops were all too happy to demonstrate that he was mistaken about that after he decided to "scuffle" with them.

There's no word in the article about whether or not drugs were involved but I'm guessing yes, very much so.

Since it's Friday night...

...and Autumn leaves will soon be falling, here's a picture of Japanese model Harumi Nemoto bundling up in a sweater:

Here, um, let me get those last few buttons for you...

Clothes in a can

This is something that I don't see catching on, but then again, people are generally kind of stupid...

As the fashion pack leave London for Milan, one designer and a professor of particle technology unveiled their own unique collection made in one afternoon with spray-on fabric.

The pair, Manel Torres and Paul Luckham, are perfecting a fabric that can be sprayed onto skin and other surfaces to make clothes, medical bandages and even upholstery.

Torres, a visiting academic at Imperial College London, approached Luckham, an Imperial College professor of particle technology, to help him realize his dream of a spray-on garment that can be taken off, washed and worn again.

First of all, I have to say that this does sound like it has some potential as a medical technology. Instant, spray-on bandages could be really helpful, especially in an area where there's a shortage of clean linen, like a battlefield.

As clothing, though, meh. The article says that one of these people sprayed a T-shirt onto someone "in a matter of minutes." Um, I can pull on a regular T-shirt in a matter of seconds.

Also, Torres said that the material was "like a second skin." Aside from the segment of the population that has a nicely defined muscle tone, that's not going to be all that appealing. At least, I would hope not.

Oh, and it just occurred to me that spray-on pants would leave very little to the imagination.

Dead men tell no tales

But that apparently doesn't stop them from depositing checks:

A Pittsburgh-area man collected more than $341,000 in federal railroad pension benefits on behalf of his father, even though his father died in 1985. Sixty-eight-year-old Richard Burns, of West Mifflin, will be sentenced Jan. 21 after pleading guilty Tuesday to theft of government funds.

Burns' father was collecting U.S. Railroad Retirement Board benefits when he died 25 years ago. Federal prosecutors said Burns continued to have the money deposited into a joint bank account he had with his father, because the federal pension board was never notified of the father's death.

Wait, you mean to tell me that an agency of the federal government was a little sloppy with hundreds of thousands of dollars? The hell, you say!

I know there are plenty of shut-ins around the country, but did no one from the pension board or the bank where the money was being deposited notice that they hadn't seen or heard from the guy in two and a half decades? You'd think that might raise a couple of red flags.

"So, how was school today?"

I used to ride the bus home from school, so I can't really relate to this:

Police in southern Oregon say a woman charged with robbing a bank in Grants Pass stopped to pick up her children at school on the way home.

I, for one, think she should be commended for being a good mother and then locked up in federal prison for several years.

I'm not calling her a liar...

...but I'm pretty sure she probably just forgot where she parked:

Martena Clinton, 64, of Randallsville, Md., said she and friend Gardine Tiggle emerged from the Washington Convention Center following the Congressional Black Caucus dinner at 11:30 p.m. Saturday to learn her car, which contained a diamond pendant along with her credit cards and purse, had been relocated by police as a security precaution due to Obama's presence at the event, The Washington Post reported Monday.

At the risk of offending any 60+ readers, again, I'm not calling her a liar, but did you notice that her car keys aren't mentioned? Sure, there could have been a valet involved, and this is probably the first time since January of 2009 that I'm refraining from blaming Obama for something, but old person plus missing car usually equals confusion.

Since it's Friday night...

...and summer is almost over, how about a picture of supermodel Bar Refaeli in a bikini?

You look surprised to see me, Bar. No, there's no need to call security. I'll just be leaving...

Getting the Dodge out of Hell

The dead may not have risen from Hell, but their drivers are on the move:

A Hell-based car club will try to set a world record for the longest procession of hearses. Just Hearse'N Around will try to set a new Guinness World Records mark at 4:30 p.m. Saturday in the hamlet about 45 miles west of Detroit.

I think the big news here is that Hell is actually located somewhere outside of Detroit.

Violent video games are good for you

It's science! And you can't argue with science (they had a study about that, too):

Violent video games like "Call of Duty" can help trigger-happy players make decisions faster in real life, according to a study released on Wednesday.

Researchers from New York's University of Rochester found that first-person shooter games produced a heightened sensitivity and led to more efficient use of sensory evidence.

That's right, parents, if you want your kid to grow up to be president (or maybe even something respectable) you should buy them video games where they slaughter their enemies by the hundreds using machine guns, grenades, and rocket launchers.

(You can't say I never did anything for you, kids.)

"Keep your arms and flab rolls inside the car at all times"

You know, I'm not exactly svelte or super-healthy, but if you're so huge that you need a special seat, should you be riding roller coasters? I mean, there could be cardiac issues...

Florida's Universal Orlando Resort said it has altered the cars on its "Harry Potter" themed roller coaster to accommodate larger passengers.

Matt Roseboom, editor-in-chief of Orlando Attractions Magazine, said many overweight and obese coaster enthusiasts had been complaining since "Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey" opened in May that the safety devices were too tight for them to fully close, leading park officials to alter the ride Saturday, ABC News reported Tuesday.

Well, it's nice that they're working to accommodate their, um, larger guests, but...

Roseboom said test seats at the start of the line that previously told larger park-goers they were too large for the ride now direct them to a special row of seats designed for the obese.

While I'm sure the instructions are pretty diplomatic, that can't be a real ego boost right there.

Political slugfest

Why are other countries' politicians so much cooler than ours?

Two Thai senators fought it out Monday in front of Parliament, but this was no political grudge match - they wanted to promote traditional Thai kickboxing.

"It's good that I can still stand," 59-year-old Payap Tongchuen joked after donning gloves and trunks and going two rounds with Direk Tungfang in a boxing ring set up for the occasion in front of the parliament building in Bangkok.

The referee declared the fighters - both former professional boxers - joint victors.

A fight between any two of our current senators would be more unintentionally hilarious than exciting. Imagine, say, Lindsey Graham and Harry Reid huffing and puffing as they struggled fruitlessly to land slap-fight blows on each other. Instead of having "joint victors," we would all be losers.

Compare and contrast

Just look.

Since it's Friday night...

...and you'd rather not read any of my stupid jokes anyway, here's Firefly/Serenity cutie Jewel Staite:

She's so attractive that you can't even tell that she's Canadian!

A note about the blog

I just wanted to point out that I don't get to pick out the blog ads that appear on the sidebar on the left side of the blog. Lately, I've noticed that a certain president who shall remain nameless and who I in no way ever, ever, EVAR!!! would endorse has had ads showing up there, and I didn't want anyone to get confused about that.

That is all.

Next, could you please ban clowns?

Ah,there's nothing like the circus, where people take their children to be "entertained" by dangerous wild animals and assorted weirdos:

A Russian circus has been forced to cancel an act in which a woman swallows a live fish and regurgitates it after Australian officials deemed it cruel.

The New South Wales (NSW) Department of Industry and Investment put a stop to the act by the Great Moscow Circus which is performing in Sydney after receiving complaints from the public.

Um, guys, are you sure the complaints from the public were about the act being cruel and not about it being fucking disgusting? I'd complain, too if I paid perfectly good money to see some jugglers and trapeze artists and ended up watching a woman barfing up a fish, instead.

Creepy Eurotrash weirdos disappointed

Gee, who could have possibly foreseen that a German restaurant openly advertising that they serve human flesh−which I'm pretty sure isn't legal anywhere in the western world−would turn out not to be real?

A Web site for a Berlin restaurant offering "cannibal" cuisine has been revealed as a hoax perpetrated by vegetarians to highlight the "evils of meat-eating."

The German Vegetarian Society, or Vebu, revealed Tuesday the Web site for restaurant Flime, which requested diners "donate any part of their body" for cooking and sought the services of an "open-minded surgeon," was a hoax to raise awareness of the "evils of meat-eating," Britain's The Daily Telegraph reported Tuesday.

It turns out, though, that they actually do serve fava beans with a nice Chianti.

Drinking and dangling don't mix

I know you'll be shocked to hear that alcohol was involved in this incident:

A British holidaymaker has died after a drunken prank at his Majorca hotel went horribly wrong.

The 27-year-old plunged more than 30 feet after losing his grip as he hung off his fifth-floor balcony and asked friends to count how long he could hold on for.

Yeah, it turns out not for very long, apparently.

I'm not exactly a teetotaler or anything (yeah, shocking, I know) but I learned long ago that getting really, really, totally smashed and standing upright isn't exactly easy, so I tend to avoid daredevil stunts while I'm in such a state.

Since it's Friday night...

...and New Order is one of my favorite bands and also I find Kylie Minogue's sideboob an sidebutt fun to look at, here's a mashup of the two:

Not a mashup of the sideboob and sidebutt. That wouldn't exactly be pleasant.

Homeless people have it rough

Okay, most homeless people have it rough, but this guy seems to be the exception to the rule:

A homeless man who called 911 from the hot tub of a suburban Portland home and asked for towels, hot chocolate and a hug got arrested for trespassing instead.

Beaverton police say Mark Eskelsen called 911 from his cell phone, identified himself as "the sheriff of Washington County," and asked for medical help. He later admitted he wasn't the sheriff but informed the dispatcher he'd been "yelling for about an hour and a half."

Okay, first of all, since when do homeless people have cell phones? Secondly, needing the things he asked for are the least homeless-y (yeah, not a real word) things a homeless guy has probably ever asked for. Third, the owners of that hot tub (no, the homeless guy didn't have his own hot tub, in spite of all his other apparent advantages) should get it thoroughly cleaned.

Study yields unremarkable results

Youth, it turns out, really is wasted on the young...

Older people like reading negative news stories about their younger counterparts because it boosts their own self-esteem, according to a new study.

In other news, old dudes resent not being able to get a boner while their younger counterparts always sport wood, wish they didn't have to get up to pee several times every night because of prostate issues, and want you to get the hell off their lawn because you should not be on their damn lawn.

Seriously, GET OFF THE LAWN!!!

Duel!

I'm all in favor of stuff that screws lawyers out of collecting fees, but this is ridiculous:

A California recreational vehicle dealer says he wants to resolve the lawsuit actor Taylor Lautner filed against him with a push-up contest instead of a trial.

Brent McMahon, 47, owner of McMahon's RV in Irvine, said he wants to settle the lawsuit brought against him by the "Twilight" film series star, who claims the dealership failed to deliver a $300,000 customized RV on time and up to his specifications, with a contest of muscles instead of legal wrangling, KTLA-TV, Los Angeles, reported Tuesday.

The story implies that the RV dealer would have to pay the actor if Lautner won the contest, but it doesn't specify what the penalty would be if the opposite happened. I would like to think it would involve the whole "Twilight" thing never, ever being mentioned again, but that's probably not realistic.