You guys might want to get a camera or a security guard or something

Man, from what I've seen of security video reviewed on various episodes of COPS, it's tougher to steal from convenience stores in small towns in Virginia:

Thieves stole four diamonds worth several million dollars from a trader's stand at the world's biggest watch and jewelry fair in Basel on Wednesday, prosecutors said.

"Three men engaged the staff in a sales talk while one or two others opened the showcase," said Markus Melzl, spokesman for the Basel prosecutor's office. "These were real pros who had done some research ahead."

Whereas the staff entrusted with millions of dollars worth of merchandise were apparently a few people hired by a temp agency who had never been around anything of value before and should subsequently never be trusted with looking after so much as a single shiny penny.

Niche marketing

Uh, maybe it's just me, but this doesn't really sound like something I'd want to purchase:

The lascivious tongue of Kiss's Gene Simmons will adorn the first Food and Drug Administration-approved "picture condoms," the manufacturer said Wednesday.

Graphic Armor Inc. said Condomania's Kiss Kondoms, which have long carried images of the rock band on their boxes and wrappers, will now have Simmons' "iconic fully extended tongue" running down the length of the condom itself.

Maybe I have issues, but I really don't see the appeal of having the image of some other dude's tongue adorning my junk, much less glancing down and seeing it thrusting in and out of my lady friend.

Yeah, it's probably just me.

We're gonna need about this size boat

I've lived in California all of my life, but I've never been a fan of the ocean, which is something that some of my younger Midwestern relatives can't seem to fathom (get it?). Why not? Because of stuff like this:

Twenty-nine-year-old Jason Kresse (KRES'-ee) of Freeport says he and two crew members were dumping fish guts in the Gulf of Mexico about 3:45 a.m. Monday when they heard splashes in the distance and then something hit the side of their 25-foot boot.

A shark in an apparent rush to feed had jumped into the back and was thrashing around. Kresse says the crew couldn't get close to the 375-pound fish to toss it back in the water.

See, when you're sitting in your car at a traffic light or standing on a street corner, it's extremely rare to have a nearly 400 pound monster lunge at you from out of nowhere.

Also, there really isn't any reason to be carrying fish guts around with you on dry land, and I'm okay with that.

What's in a name?

I don't really get how this is a coincidence:

Virginia police who arrested a man on suspicion of dealing drugs say it's just a coincidence the suspect's name is Kevin Lee Cokayne.

A search inventory of items confiscated in Cokayne's Fairfax County apartment lists a safe with marijuana, a wooden box with marijuana, two jars containing marijuana, a smoking device with marijuana, a digital scale, and "records and documents," The Washington Post reported Monday.

I mean, if his name was something close to marijuana or weed or his nickname was Bud, that would be something. But his name doesn't have anything to do with the illicit substance he was caught with.

Still, though, that's not exactly an auspicious name to have.

Since it's Friday night...

...and we like to look at lovely ladies on Friday nights, here's a pic of Fox News anchor Harris Faulkner:

She's pretty hot for someone with such a manly-sounding name. Which really can't be said for Wolf Blitzer.

Squeaky fraud

I'm not sure if the whole thing about getting your ass kicked in prison for committing weak-ass crimes is true or not, but if it is, this guy is in for a bad time behind bars:

A Montana man who mimicked a female voice is exchanging his ill-gotten Tempur-Pedic mattress for a cot in a federal prison.

The U.S. attorney's office in Idaho says 60-year-old Ricky Vaughn Barry of Hamilton, Mont., was sentenced Wednesday to a year and a day in prison for impersonating his ex-wife when speaking to company representatives.

Wait, this was his ex-wife that he was impersonating? I can't believe that they didn't get along and had to split up for some reason.

It's enough to make a guy doubt that true love really exists.

Good news for housebound nerds!

And by "housebound nerds," I mean "me."

Sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity -- such as jogging or having sex -- significantly increase the risk of having a heart attack, especially in people who do not get regular exercise, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday.

Seeing as how neither sex or jogging are either a part of my normal routine, I should live a very, very long life. Now, somebody please pass some bacon, the teevee remote, and a beer.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!

The opposite of robbery

So, a guy walks into a Starbucks, and...

The witnesses said the man walked into the Brookline Avenue location Thursday, said "I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich!" and threw the approximately 100 $1 bills into the air, WFXT-TV, Boston, reported Tuesday.

Nutritionist Tara Mardigan said she and the other customers stood in stunned silence after the man calmly walked out of the store.

"We all just sat there stunned. Nobody scrambled for the money like you would think they would," Mardigan said.

Hmmmm...let me put on my hack comedian hat here:

"Of course not, they were all too absorbed with writing their novels on their laptops."

Or

"Of course not, you can't get anything for a hundred bucks at Starbucks."

On a positive note, the employees apparently gathered up the cash and donated it to Japanese earthquake relief efforts.

Your rights end at my eyes

I have long maintained that the kind of people who like to be nude in public are almost always the last people you'd actually like to see without clothes on, and a loophole in an Oregon law may take care of that:

In a state where men have legally strolled the streets in nothing but tennis shoes and Portland hosts an annual naked bike ride, nudists appeared at the Oregon Legislature on Monday -- clothed -- to ask lawmakers not to let their lifestyle get wrapped up in an effort to regulate strip clubs.

Okay, if they're so committed to the nudist lifestyle, why did they feel the need to cover up in front of their elected officials? Oh, yeah, because it's inappropriate to appear in certain public places (by which I mean just about any public places) without wearing fucking clothes, now, isn't it?

The battle over bare skin renews familiar debates about balancing freedom with neighborhood standards in a state known for its liberal protections of free speech -- and nude expression.

Nudist advocates testified against a bill that would ask voters to change free-speech protections in the state constitution to let communities keep strip clubs out of neighborhoods. But, nudists warn, that might unintentionally allow cities to outlaw nude recreation.

And why shouldn't communities be allowed to do that? If you and a majority of your fellow citizens would like to live in a town where you're not forced to look at your neighbor's dong every time he walks out to water the plants or get his mail? If I decide that I don't want to use the toilet anymore and want to start pooping in the front yard, do I have the right to do that, too? Is that not "poop expression"?

"We want to protect our rights," said John Kinman, past president of the American Association for Nude Recreation, which has joined the American Civil Liberties Union in opposing the measure.

But of course. The ACLU is involved. Who could have seen that coming? Oh, and how about the property rights of people who would like to sell their house someday and have to explain to prospective buyers that they'll be living next to people who enjoy airing out their genitals while jogging?

Debates over nudity have a familiar history in Oregon, where the City of Ashland last year banned public nudity after two men walked naked near public schools.

There was a FUCKING DEBATE after something like that happened? What the hell? Was the debate about how many years in prison the two men sex offenders would be sentenced to?

In Portland, the annual World Naked Bike Ride has attracted thousands to protest oil dependence.

Yeah, I think the oil protest was kind of secondary to a bunch of exhibitionists who wanted to show their naughty bits to the people of Portland.

(Cross-posted at doubleplusundead.)

Since it's Friday night...

...and the prez is heading down to Brazil this weekend, how about a lovely photo of Adriana Lima, who happens to hail from that particular country?

Untying a bow has never, ever been that satisfying. Even when I got the Nintendo 64 for Chrimmas. And it even came with Goldeneye and Mario Kart.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Green beer is for rookies.

Do you believe in magic?

Gee, this is just what all the people barely subsisting on grass really need:

North Korea, renowned for its secrecy and incredible artistic performances, is now planning the ultimate magic show -- complete with disappearing aircraft.

The North's state-run KCNA news agency reported that the capital Pyongyang would host a "new form" of magic show in which the aircraft, a bus full of passengers and elephant would be made to disappear.

I wouldn't want to be one of those bus passengers. Disappearing in North Korea probably doesn't ever end well.

You need to learn the difference between red and Crimson early

I'm generally not the kind of guy who has grudges against the rich, seeing as how few poor people tend to hire you, but this is not the sort of thing that most people are going to be very sympathetic about in this economy:

A New York woman's lawsuit against her daughter's preschool claims teachers did not do enough to prepare the girl for an Ivy League future.

Um, I'm not a parent, but even if I was, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have shelled out the nineteen grand that this woman spent on a fucking preschool that would prepare her kid to get into an Ivy League school.

The article goes on to talk about how the preschool supposedly promised to prepare this woman's small child for an entrance exam for some of New York's most "elite private elementary schools."

Where she'll learn, what, exactly, compared to the kids in this obviously rich neighborhood who end up in some *gasp* private school that isn't posh enough? Or in *horror of horrors* the local public schools that are full of slightly less-rich or middle class kids whose parents just send them to whatever school and expect them to learn something?

I'm all for religious tolerance...

...but most people's religious ceremonies don't sound like something you'd be more likely to see in a slasher flick:

Police serving a search warrant in a drug investigation said they found something more ghastly in a backyard shed: Two human skulls in a shrine, and several hundred pounds of animal bones, flesh, and blood believed to be part of a religious ceremony.

Roberto Casillas-Corrales, 53, of Clearfield, remained jailed Monday, a day after he was arrested for investigation of abuse or desecration of a human body. Authorities say he may also face several charges of cruelty to animals.

"We believe it's a religious ritual at this time," said Mike Stenquist, assistant police chief in Clearfield, about 20 miles north of Salt Lake City. "He's been performing some type of ceremonies in his backyard shed, and that would include the sacrificing of animals, lambs, sheep, goats, rams and chickens."

Although this happened in Utah, I'm gonna go ahead and guess that this guy isn't a Mormon.

Since it's Friday night...

...and we could all use some positive developments out of earthquake-ravaged Japan, here's Playboy Playmate Hiromi Oshima:

Pictured: positive development.

(Seriously, though, I hope her loved ones are okay.)

Something strange

So, this morning, I finally got off my fat ass, looked up a few computer repair shops, and started calling around for estimates to get my fan fixed. When I was done, I fired up the laptop to check my email and poke around a few blogs. I can usually run the machine for ten or fifteen minutes before it's in danger of completely overheating.

After about three minutes, the fan kicked on. The little bastard had been listening to my phone calls.

I still think I'm gonna take it in for a checkup, though.