Thankfully, no other furniture was harmed during the course of the incident

Gee, who could have possibly guessed that a guy who has his very own motorized bar stool might have some problems?

An Ohio man has been charged by police with operating a home-made, mechanized bar stool on wheels while intoxicated, the Associated Press reports.

According to an Ohio police report, Kile Wygle, 28, called 911 after crashing his bar stool near his Newark home and sustaining injuries.

"I wrecked my bar stool," he told the police officer who answered the call. He also acknowledged drinking 15 beers and was charged with two misdemeanors: DUI and driving with a suspended license, the AP says.

I'm gonna go ahead and guess that the officer who answered his call figured out that this was an alcohol-related problem as soon as he was told that someone had wrecked a bar stool.

In which I (gasp!) agree with a hippie

I like Jimi Hendrix. He was an amazing guitarist. But is he really the guy you want adorning the pages of your school district's new education guide? The San Francisco School District thinks so, but I don't. And I'm apparently not the only one, either:

One district employee who described himself as a "liberal hippie educator who experienced the Summer of Love in San Francisco" said he found the use of Hendrix, and his image on posters that accompany the document, disturbing.

"I find the choice of Hendrix as an inspiration to be used in an educational setting rather strange and out of touch," the employee said.

It pains me to say this, but seeing as how Hendrix died choking on his own vomit after overdosing on drugs, I agree with the liberal hippie teacher from San Francisco. Now, I'm off to pray that I never write anything like that again.

Oh, but before I do that, let me note the reaction of the district's Superintendent, Carlos Garcia, to concerns like those of the (and I'm stressing this again) liberal hippie teacher:

The superintendent shrugged off comments about the rock star's drug use.

"Hey," said Garcia. "We're in San Francisco."

I'm guessing the district's anti-drug programs (assuming they have any) ring a little hollow. Yeah.

Don't drinnk drink drink and drive drive drive

This story is only funny because, thankfully, she didn't manage to kill anybody:

A 60-year-old Washington woman arrested for drunken driving three times in three days while vacationing in Wisconsin has been sentenced to a month in jail. The woman was arrested first at 2 p.m. March 11, 2008. A deputy saw her try to drive out of a ditch, wearing only one shoe and had a blood-alcohol level of 0.21, authorities said. The legal driving limit is .08.

Twenty-four hours later, the woman was arrested after her car got stuck in snow in a park campground that was closed for the winter. The woman told an officer she had had four or six cups of wine.

"I am still finishing up the box of wine in my car from yesterday," authorities reported she told the officer.

Authorities found a box of Black Fox wine in the car.

The woman spent 12 hours in jail. She was released and headed west, but was arrested a short time later after someone reported her driving "all over the road," according to a police report.

Well, I guess she at least finished her wine. I hope she enjoyed it, too, because she won't be having any more for at least a month.

Creative cooking

You know, I've never been to prison, and I hope I never end up going there. Why? Well, among other things (like getting raped in the shower, say), stuff like this:

An inmate hankering for hot sausage got in hot water when the cooking fire he set in his toilet forced the evacuation of a prison wing. Clallam Bay Corrections Center spokeswoman Denise Larson said smoke was spotted about 9:25 p.m. Wednesday coming from a sewer vent pipe. She says 130 inmates from the close-custody unit of the prison near the tip of Washington's Olympic Peninsula were evacuated to a dining hall while local firefighters and prison staff responded.

The smoke was traced to the inmate's cell, and he admitted trying to heat up snack sausage bought from an inmate store in the stainless steel toilet, Larson says.

See, staying out of prison has some definite advantages. Like, when I want some sausage, there's a microwave, or failing that, a stove and pans. Being "on the outside," in no way does my brain go from "Maybe I'll cook some delicious sausage" to "Yeah, I'll use the toilet." Well, not until some time later, anyway.

No shirt, No shoes, No pants, No service

I like beer. I like nudity, too. But there are some situations where the two just don't mix:

A Tennessee man arrested buying beer at a convenience store was old enough to purchase alcohol -- he was just missing his clothes.

James Golden, 48, Hendersonville, told police he thought the clerk might appreciate it if he "went into the store nude" earlier this month, according to an affidavit filed by officers.

Yeah, not so much, it turns out. The article goes on to point out that it was unclear as to whether or not he had the money and/or ID necessary to buy the beer, "since he obviously lacked a pocket." They clearly overlooked the butt, otherwise known as "nature's pocket."

Satan sings me a song

Scandis in space

No, I'm not talking about a couple of Swedish and Norwegian astronauts up on the International Space Station, I'm talking about something much more terrifying—an invasion of UFO pilots from some kind of Planet of the Scandis:

Files from the British Defense Ministry reveal a woman claimed 20 years ago to have encountered a man with a "Scandinavian-type accent" who flew off in a UFO.

The newly released files said the Norwich, England, woman told of being approached by a man wearing a "flying suit" who spoke with "a Scandinavian-type accent," The Independent reported Sunday.

"He asked her if she was aware of stories about large circular flattened areas appearing in fields of wheat, and then went on to explain that he was from another planet similar to Earth, and that the circles had been caused by others like him," the report stated.

The report said he disappeared and the terrified woman then saw a large glowing orange-white ball rising vertically from behind trees.

What do these strange interplanetary Vikings want with us? Are they here to pillage our Earth-monasteries of precious gold artifacts? Or do they want to spread their alien concept that you can be a socialist country and still have a monarchy? One can only guess, but I'm sure their intentions are sinister.

Bad timing

What's the worst time to attempt to rob a restaurant? This guy found out the answer to that question the hard way:

The four police officers at the Golden House Restaurant never got to open their fortune cookies.

And it certainly wasn't good fortune that Anthony Whitcomb allegedly tried to rob the Chinese restaurant while the four officers were having dinner there Wednesday night.

Police said Whitcomb, 33, an ex-con from Methuen, walked into the South Broadway establishment about 8:30 p.m. and asked the cashier to change a quarter.

When the cashier opened the register, Whitcomb lunged over the counter and grabbed cash from the register, spilling the coin tray onto the floor, police said.

The restaurant owner came out of the kitchen, and when he saw what was going on, yelled, "Robbery. Police," attracting the attention of Sgt. Robert Michaud, and officers Ivan Resto, Marco Ayala and Jaime Adames, all of whom were in street clothes.

Whitcomb ran out the door of the restaurant at 129 S. Broadway, and the officers followed with their guns drawn.

Needless to say, they caught up to the guy and arrested his dumb, unlucky ass.

What goes around comes around

That's the lesson these crooks learned after robbing a store yesterday morning:

Lt. Thomas Welch said two men, ages 31 and 40, took money and jewelry from the store on the south side of the city at about 10:50 a.m. Wednesday while armed with at least one handgun and were confronted by a group of four men as they attempted to flee, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported Thursday.

Welch said the four men robbed the two original robbers, sparking a fight that turned into a car chase. He said the two men who allegedly robbed the jewelry store and two men from the second group, ages 22 and 27, were arrested.

Wow, it's just like a heist movie, except that here, the suave groups of international criminals are replaced by low-level street thugs and none of them end up sipping champagne with sexy women in Monte Carlo. In other words, real life.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Michigan

So, uhhh...law enforcement officials are now saying that people should pick up complete strangers from the side of the road?

Jackson County officials say signs warning motorists not to pick up hitchhikers give the wrong impression about the area, which is home to some state prisons.

The county Board of Commissioners called Tuesday for the Michigan Department of Transportation to remove the signs, which were posted in the early 1980s.

Sheriff Dan Heyns says: "Let's roll out a welcome mat instead of signs that scare the heck out of people."

Yeah, I'm all about the hospitality, but I think I'll stick to my policy of not picking up random weirdos. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I'd prefer not to be buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in the woods.

"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you fat-ass state employees!"

God only knows that the DMV isn't exactly run by geniuses, but come on, you're not gonna get away with this:

Detective Cpl. Susan Garman said Anthony Cooper Jr., 20, was arrested on suspicion of possessing a stolen vehicle after he tried to register the 1995 Buick LeSabre at the El Cerrito DMV office, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Wednesday.

Garman said DMV employees called police after they ran a computer check on the vehicle and discovered that it had been reported stolen in San Francisco by an armed carjacker.

After all, they have all of those computers in the DMV offices for a reason, and it's not just for surfing for midget porn on the taxpayers' dime.

An observation

Living downwind from a fire at a recycling plant can be none too pleasant. Well, none too fragrant, anyway. The fumes are actually a little fun.

I'm just saying, is all.

Happy St. Paddy's Day

Just say no

I'm pretty sure most of my readers know to steer clear of PCP, but if anybody was on the fence...

A Texas man who was arrested Thursday on drug charges after construction workers witnessed him on his hands and knees, eating mud and growling like a dog is being monitored today inside the DeSoto Detention Center.

Authorities suspect phencyclidine, or PCP, contributed to Terence Lloyd’s delusions. A small bottle of the hallucinogenic drug, a half-pound of marijuana and one-fourth ounce of crack cocaine were seized during Lloyd’s arrest Thursday afternoon, DeSoto sheriff’s Lt. Horace Womack said.

“He was covered in mud when he was brought in. … In fact, he had ingested so much mud that he was throwing up mud,” Womack said.

Lloyd, 32, of Lufkin, Texas, is in a cell where jailers can keep an eye on him, Womack said. “We’ve not been able to communicate with him much.”

I guess maybe he's just the strong, silent type. That, or he's still really, really high on PCP.

I have an eye for those, too...

...but I'm just not nearly as talented.

Overdue bill

I don't know how much they charge for television license fees in Germany, but judging by how long it's been since this guy paid his, he must owe thousands:

Germany's GEZ broadcast fee collection office sent the bill to the last home address of Adam Ries, an algebra expert who bought the house in 1525. A club in his honor was set up at the property four centuries later.

"We received a letter saying 'To Mr Adam Ries' on it, with the request to pay his television and radio fees," said Annegret Muench, who now heads the club.

Muench returned the letter to the GEZ with a note explaining the request had come too late because Ries had died in 1559, centuries before the invention of television and radio. She nonetheless received a reminder a few weeks later.

Somehow, I doubt they'll be getting a check from him. At least, I hope not. That would be creepy.

I watched Watchmen

Went to see it with real-life buddy Andy today. I really liked it. They got the look and feel of the comics down really well, and it was really faithful to the story (except for a major change to the ending, which I won't go into). While it's long (nearly three hours), the pacing of the story was pretty tight. The acting was good, especially on the part of Jackie Earle Haley, who was excellent as Rorschach. The action sequences and the special effects were also very well done. I'd recommend it.

By the way, if you don't know much about the story, this is not a superhero movie you want to take your kids to see. There's a lot of very intense, graphic violence and quite a bit of nudity.

Update: Heh.



(Via Moron Central.)

A novel theory

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this guy didn't go to law school:

Scott Witmer, 44, told Northampton County Judge Leonard Zito that he cannot be tried on charges including drunken driving, driving without insurance and driving with a revoked license because he is a "sovereign man," the Allentown (Pa.) Morning Call reported Wednesday.

"It means I live inside myself," Witmer told the judge. "I don't live in the state of Pennsylvania."

Witmer, who was arrested Aug. 24, filed a 20-page motion in December that claimed the charges against him are unconstitutional. The filing claims prosecution would be a "blatant act of tyranny."

Seeing as how the judge ordered him to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, I don't think those arguments are going to fly.

Minor mixup explained

Ah, yes, well that explains everything:

US Airways Inc. released a statement saying the air cargo problem was caused by a "verbal miscommunication between a delivery driver and the cargo representative." The Tempe, Ariz.-based airline said it's deeply sorry.

I'll leave it to you to click on the link to find out what kind of minor boo-boo the airline was responsible for.

Excuses, excuses

Um, yeah, guys. Whatever gets you through the night:

A survey conducted by one of China's most popular Web sites indicates that many men would wear high-heels to experience the pains felt by significant others.

The online survey by 163.com attracted more than 3,000 responses, most of which were from men who said they would wear heels for their wives or girlfriends to demonstrate their love and understanding, Xinhua, China (OTCBB:XHUA)'s official government-run news agency, reported Monday.

The story does not mention whether or not the men were also surveyed about whether or not they would wear pretty dresses and/or frilly lace underwear in order to "demonstrate their love and understanding."

(Yes, the implication here is that most Chinese men are trannies.)

Not your usual Sunday

Um, I'm not a regular churchgoer, but I've been to services hosted by a number of different denominations, and they don't usually include this sort of thing:

Theater often punctuated the Rev. Fred Winters' sermons, so parishioners were initially unfazed when a stranger strode down First Baptist Church's main aisle as Winters preached and, with a series of bangs, made the pastor's Bible explode into a raft of confetti.

But as Winters ran from the front of the sprawling red brick church Sunday and collapsed with a fatal gunshot wound to the chest, churchgoers realized they were witnessing something horrifyingly real.

Uh, what the hell did they think was going on?

"Dramas have been incorporated into services, so I could see people first thinking it was part of a skit," said First Baptist member Christy Leith of Granite City, who said she has attended the church for about 10 years.

Again, I'm not exactly Charlie Church-attender here, but even the more spirited sermons I've witnessed didn't include special effects-style gunfire.

Vidiocy

The internet has changed things in a number of ways, but perhaps the biggest way in which it has revolutionized society is the manner in which it has helped our law enforcement officials to apprehend idiots:

Authorities in Virginia said a convicted felon pleaded guilty to possessing a firearm after he posted a video of himself holding a gun on YouTube.

Benjamin Hornstein, 37, could face up to 10 years in prison after he pleaded guilty to the charge in U.S. District Court in Alexandria, The Washington Post reported Thursday.

Police said the video -- which depicted Hornstein holding the gun while wearing a black hood and standing next to a life-sized picture of a bound and gagged woman -- came to their attention after residents who had seen the video reported that the man had previously made threats against local officials and members of a church.

I don't know how many of my readers commit or have been convicted of felonies, but if any of you are among that demographic, let me offer you a bit of advice: Make SURE you videotape your felonious activities and post those videos online.

(Shhhhhh...nobody tell them what I just did there.)

There's just no pleasing some people

You might not believe me when I say this, but my mom and dad raised me to be polite to others, but there are times when you have to dial down you expectations from others where courtesy is concerned. Case in point:

Desiderio Fortunato, 54, is a Canadian citizen who was born in Portugal. As he sees it, border inspectors should be role models who live up to the pledges of goodwill posted on signs on both sides of the border.

But Mike Milne, U.S. Customs and Border Protection spokesman, said the incident illustrates the importance of obeying lawful orders from uniformed officers, on the border or anywhere else.

Fortunato lives in Coquitlam and crosses the border two or three times a week to visit his second home in Blaine. Most of the time, he said, inspectors are courteous. But on Monday, when he attempted to cross into the U.S. shortly after noon, things were different.

"This gentleman was very aggressive to me," Fortunato said.

As Fortunato described it, the inspector ordered him to turn off his car in what Fortunato thought was a rude way.

"What I just requested was the word 'please,'" Fortunato said. "He repeated it (the order) three times and I repeated three times the word 'please.' ... He told me, 'Turn the car off or else I'm going to spray you.'"

Fortunato figured the officer wouldn't make good on the threat, since he wasn't being abusive or threatening to the officer.

He miscalculated.

Um, no law enforcement official has ever threatened to spray me in the face with pepper spray, but I've got to figure that if it ever happens, I'm going to stop insisting that he or she should ask me nicely to turn off my car.

Also not recommended: asking the officer to "Smile when you say that."

Snow dice

What the hell is going on with kids up in Canada?

Children rated as impulsive by their kindergarten teachers appear more likely to begin gambling behaviors like playing cards or placing bets before they hit middle school, Canadian researchers said on Monday.

The study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine is the first to show gambling among children this young, said Linda Pagani, who led the study at Sainte-Justine University Hospital Research Center and the Universite de Montreal.

"The question has always been, 'What comes before adolescent gambling?'" Pagani said in a telephone interview.

The study's results add gambling to a list of later problems associated with early impulsivity, she said, including delinquency, failure to complete high school and mental health and addiction problems in adulthood.

Kindergarten teachers for 163 students were asked to complete a questionnaire at the beginning of the school year to rank the children's inattentiveness, distractibility and hyperactivity.

Six years later, at an average age of 11.5, the children told the researchers in telephone interviews how often they participated in gambling-related behaviors such as playing cards or bingo, buying lottery tickets, playing video games or video poker for money or placing bets at sporting events or with friends.

Um, I don't know much of anything about Canadian gambling laws, so forgive me if I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but isn't it, you know, illegal for eleven-year-old kids to do things like buy lottery tickets and play video poker up in the Great White North?

Smoky the bear cat

I'm allergic to cats, so I've never had one, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to treat them like this:

Police in Nebraska said a man was arrested after he allegedly stuffed his kitten into a homemade marijuana pipe to calm her down.

Acea Schomaker, 20, was cited on suspicion misdemeanor animal cruelty and charged with possession of marijuana and paraphernalia after Lancaster County sheriff's deputies allegedly caught him smoking marijuana from the homemade contraption with his cat, Shadow, stuffed inside the apparatus, the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald reported Tuesday.

Deputies said Schomaker told them the kitten had been hyper and he was attempting to calm her down.

Yeah, because we all know nothing calms down a small, hyper animal like stuffing it into a bong.

What is the nature of your emergency?

When a loved one is having a heart attack or you see a crime being committed or your house is on fire, it's comforting to know that you can dial 911 for help. Unless, that is, some dumbass like this woman is tying up the system:

Authorities say a Florida woman called 911 three times after McDonald's employees told her they were out of Chicken McNuggets.

According to a police report, 27-year-old Fort Pierce resident Latreasa L. Goodman told authorities she paid for a 10-piece last week but was later informed the restaurant had run out.

She says employees refused to give her a refund, saying all sales were final. A cashier told police she offered Goodman a larger portion of different food for the same price, but Goodman became irate.

It sucks that they wouldn't give her a refund, and I can understand having a craving for one particular menu item, but that's really not enough reason to get the authorities involved.

We have differing definitions of "explosive"

In these troubled times, there are a number of flashpoints around the globe where serious conflicts break out over life and death issues. And then, there's this:

"This is unacceptable behavior and I have demanded that action is taken," said Nicos Kotziambashis, leader of the Greek Cypriot village of Mammari which has been particularly hit by the U.N. ban. "The situation is explosive."

I'm going to go ahead and leave it to you to click on the link in order to find out why I think Nicos is being a little overly dramatic here.

Isn't she lovely?

I enjoy beauty contests as much as the next guy, but I think this is one most of us can skip:

The outgoing Miss Outdoors, Dakota Abbott, said at a Dorchester County, Md., competition that the key to a successful muskrat skinning is a very sharp knife.

The 17-year-old girl, who won the Miss Outdoors title in 2008, earned $100 and a set of muskrat traps by winning the women's junior championship trophy in a muskrat-skinning contest last weekend, the Los Angeles Times said Monday.

"You want a real sharp knife and a good grip," Abbott said at Saturday's event.

I'm gonna go ahead and defer to the expert on that one, seeing as how I've never skinned a muskrat and I don't plan on starting anytime in the near future.