I'm guessing he was probably high

I've known a few tweakers in the past, and they're not the most with-it people when on a meth jag. Case in point:

A man hoping to score some meth asked the wrong person for the drug. The Eugene police vice narcotics unit had searched an apartment on Monday night and were questioning the tenant when a man came by and asked to buy drugs, Sgt. Jerry Webber said.

As detectives stood around with their badges hanging from their necks and latex gloves on their hands, the man asked the tenant, "Can you hook me up?" Webber said.

The tenant was seated on the couch with handcuffs around his wrists. A detective was writing him a citation.

The tenant said, "I don't think I can help you," Webber recalled, but the visitor persisted. He then allegedly turned to a detective and asked him for meth.

The detective told the visitor, James Wilkinson, 34, of Eugene, he was under arrest for attempted possession of methamphetamine.

Wilkinson tried to run, but officers grabbed him, Webber said.

I guess he'd finally figured it out by then, huh?

Name games

Hey, it looks like we've got another case of some jackasses who want to give their kid a really stupid name:

A Chinese couple tried to name their baby "@," claiming the character used in e-mail addresses echoed their love for the child, an official trying to whip the national language into line said Thursday.

The unusual name stands out especially in Chinese, which has no alphabet and instead uses tens of thousands of multi-stroke characters to represent words.

Now, I don't speak Chinese so I have no way of knowing if this is plausible, but the poor kid's father supposedly has an explanation for this nonsense...

"The whole world uses it to write e-mail, and translated into Chinese it means 'love him'," the father explained, according to the deputy chief of the State Language Commission Li Yuming.

While "@" is familiar to Chinese e-mail users, they often use the English word "at" to sound it out -- which with a drawn out "T" sounds something like "ai ta," or "love him," to Mandarin speakers.

So why not give him a name like "ai ta" using regular Chinese characters? Oh, that's right. It's because you're stupid douchebags who think that you're clever.

Burning down the house

You try to do a little yardwork, and look what it gets you:

Danny Fendley started more than just his lawn mower when he tugged at its pull cord - he started a fire that destroyed his home.

The mower exploded Tuesday in hot, parched conditions.

Fendley was trying to start the mower in the garage of his two-story brick home in this Atlanta suburb when the machine burst into flames. Before he could extinguish the fire, it had spread through the garage.

Then his wife tried to toss a can of gasoline out a window as the blaze spread, but she missed, spreading the fuel "everywhere," Fendley said.

I'd imagine that it's not easy to be level-headed when your garage is on fire, but it doesn't sound like a good idea to be throwing gasoline around, even if it's supposed to go out the window. Live and learn, I guess.

Nun too smart

You know, when you're looking for some easy money, you probably shouldn't try to rob somebody who has taken a vow of poverty:

The man broke into the 61-year-old Catholic nun's home shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday. When she told him she had no money, he forced her to drive him around in her car for almost an hour in search of money.

As they drove, the robber apologized "to the victim and wonders if he's going to be forgiven by her and the Catholic Church," police spokesman Joel DeSpain said.

The two did not stop at a bank or cash machine because the Sinsinawa Dominican sister continued to tell the man she did not have any money or access to any.

Eventually, the man gave up and had the nun drop him off on Madison's south side. She then drove to the Catholic school where she works and called police.

He won't be going straight to hell, but only because he has to take a trip to the pokey first. The cops arrested him later that day.

Hating life

It's been over 100 degrees out for the last few days, so of course the air conditioning unit would choose today to die. Gah. I must smell all kinds of nasty.

On the plus side, we now have a more energy-efficient air conditioner.

Ouch!

This guy must be a super badass. That, or he's staggeringly unobservant.

A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for more than a mile, leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb.

Now, I realize that he could hardly be expected to do it himself, but that's got to be a damn close friend. You don't just ask a casual acquaintance to go back and retrieve one of your severed limbs, now do you?

The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said.

He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying.

And none of the other people he was with noticed that he was short a leg, either? That's the kind of detail I like to think I would pick up on.

Overheard at the local watering hole

Hairy-armed guy in Hawaiian shirt: Did I ever tell you about the time we did PCP?

Slightly attractive woman in her early forties: Um, no, I don't think so....

On the road again

Remember the blind Estonian driver from last week? Well, he's baaaaack:

An Estonian man who was caught driving a car even though he is blind has been at it again, police said on Monday, and this time he faces jail.

Police first arrested the man, 20, a week ago.

"We arrested the same blind man driving his car again on Saturday in the town of Torvandi, near Tartu (in southern Estonia)," said Marge Kohtla, a spokeswoman for Tartu police district.

And wait, it gets better! Actually, I'm not sure "better" is the right word...

"He was drunk. There were three people in the car with him giving him instructions."

Well, at least he wasn't by himself. But again, why weren't any of those other three doing the driving? I mean, even if all three of them were drunk too, it's not like he was good designated driver material.

Leave the goat alone

Something very, very wrong is going on in the state of Washington:

A man accused of having sex with a goat is scheduled to be arraigned on Friday on a animal cruelty charge. Charging papers say a witness saw 63-year-old Arthur Lawton having sex with a goat May 8th in a barn at Eatonville's Pioneer Farm Museum where he worked.

Notice the past tense there. He "worked" at the farm. Somehow, I doubt he's still employed there.

Lawton said he was trying to milk the goat.

Now, I've never milked a goat personally, but I don't think he was doing it right. Nope. Definitely not the right way to milk a goat.

Lawton missed a scheduled arraignment on August 3rd but turned himself in last night to Pierce County sheriff's deputies.

He's the second person charged in the county since the Legislature made bestiality a crime in response to the fatal injury to a man having sex with a horse in Enumclaw.

Okay, people, when you have to enact a new law because people are having sex with animals, you've got a serious problem. Just lay off the sex with animals folks, huh? What do you say?

Just get a divorce, already

You know, I don't really think this guy knows how to take a hint:

Steve Graham might not be in the doghouse over a dispute with his wife, but as far as his neighbors are concerned, he's not far from it. For the past seven years, Graham, 55, has been living in his car parked in the backyard of a house he and his wife, La Donna Graham, own.

Graham said the two have "been having troubles" since 1999 and that he's been out of the house since about 2000. His wife still lives in the home.

Well, at least she hasn't kicked him out of the yard, so there may yet be hope that they can patch things up after all.

"She's not going to support me not having a job and bumming around," Graham said. "I'm trying my best to get a job and get up out of this rut."

Yeah. After seven years, I'm not sure I feature that happening. That's a pretty deep rut.

But his neighbors, who say Graham plays loud music, often spouts obsenity-laced tirades and uses his yard as a toilet, aren't amused. They have asked the city to prohibit such living arrangements.

"You can't enjoy your backyard," said Linda Sanders, whose backyard is across the alley from Graham's property.

Sanders and her family are among more than a dozen neighbors who presented the Pittsburg [Kansas] City Commission with a petition in July asking it to prohibit people from living in their cars on private property within city limits.

What a bunch of snobs! I mean, just because he's a loud, foul-mouthed, yard-pooping loser...well, I can actually see their point.

For real?

Speaking of people who probably shouldn't be reproducing, meet the Wheatons, who seem bent on screwing up their newborn son for the rest of his life. Well, until he's old enough to legally change his name, anyway.

A New Zealand couple is looking to call their newborn son Superman -- but only because their chosen name of 4Real has been rejected by the government registry.

Pat and Sheena Wheaton say they will get around the decision by the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages by officially naming their son Superman but referring to him as 4Real, the New Zealand Herald newspaper has reported.

The Wheatons decided on the name after seeing the baby for the first time in an ultrasound scan and realizing their baby was "for real."

They decided 4Real was the best way to write it, but the name was rejected because the registrar said a name had to be a sequence of characters.

Pat Wheaton said he was considering appealing against the decision through the courts, but whatever happens he won't be budged on his choice.

"No matter what its going to stay 4Real," Wheaton told the Herald, "I'm certainly not a quitter."

No, but you're certainly a stubborn asshole. And your son is going to have lots of fun every year on the first day of school when he has to explain to his teachers that his name is spelled S-U-P-E-R-M-A-N but pronounced "for real." Yeah.

You might be a dumbass if...

...you're competing in the Texas Redneck Games:

These competitors forgo the shotput for the "Mattress Chuck" _ in which two-man teams heave a mattress from the back of a pickup truck as far as they can. And if you aren't planning on heading to Beijing for the next Olympic Games, there's always the ugly "butt-crack contest."

By the time the latest Redneck Games ended Sunday, more than 54 arrests and citations had been issued on charges ranging from public intoxication to speeding, according to the Henderson County Sheriff's Department. Officials are considering charges against the organizer and landowners where the event was held.

"I'm an old fuddy duddy and all that, but you got a vehicle, you got alcohol, and you got illegal dumping, and you're making a contest out of that?" said Lt. Pat McWilliams, sheriff's spokesman. "We are very fortunate that we didn't have a fatality."

I don't know if "fortunate" is exactly the right word. I mean, call me cynical and cold, but taking some of these people out of the gene pool might not be the worst idea ever.

Congratulations to Barry Bonds

Yeah, I'm just kidding about that. Fuck him and his big, bald, muscley head. Sure, he passed Hank Aaron on the all time home run list, but everybody and their uncle knows that he used steroids to do it. It's not just that he's a cheater, either. It's also because he's such an insufferable prick, too. And I guess I should mention that I hate the Giants, too.

And hardly anybody outside of the San Francisco Bay area is happy about this, either, in spite of what the talking heads on ESPN are saying about how he's one of the best players the game has ever seen. I bet he's thanking The Dark Prince, who probably owns his soul now, that he hit number 756 in San Francisco, too. The torrent of boos, garbage, and syringes that would've rained down on him if he hit that homer anywhere else sure would have been embarrassing. What's really embarrassing is that the baseball fans of San Francisco—just a little less sub-human than the Raider fans across the Bay—are so supportive of a cheater and a scumbag like Barry Bonds. They cheered their hearts out for a fake hero. They cheered for an asshole. They'll probably have a ticker tape parade for the bastard and give him a key to the city. They deserve each other.

Well, at least it's over with now and we can stop waiting for it to happen. I just hope Alex Rodriguez can stay healthy for the rest of his career so that he can break the record in a few years. It's not that I'm an A-Rod fan or a Yankee fan, either. It's just that it would allow the rest of us to put this bullshit travesty behind us.

Update: Hank Aaron, who wasn't in San Francisco, still managed to pass on a classy message via video. Ask yourself if you can picture Mr. Surly McDouchebag doing the same when his record is eventually broken.

I didn't think so.

The grudge

Sometimes, you just have to let something go. I think that this would be one such instance.

A Fayette County [Pennsylvania] architect is asking the state Supreme Court to revoke the license of another architect who died in May.

Mark Altman is asking the high court to hear his case against Michael Molnar, who died at age 77. Altman accused Molnar of misrepresenting his college career in Hungary when he applied for his state architectural license in 1960.

Molnar, who was hired by Altman's father as a draftsman nearly a half-century ago and later opened his own firm in Uniontown, told previous hearings that Hungary's communist regime quashed records of his education.

Altman cited a statement from a college in Budapest that there are no records of Molnar studying there. But the state examiner accepted the late architect's statement that Hungary's communist government would not grant him a diploma after he completed his four-year education and thesis.

Um, what's the point here? Like a lawyer cited later in the article said, "If the goal of the litigation is to stop Mike Molnar from practicing architecture, the good Lord has done that by taking him to the other side."

A pretty big blind spot

A few days ago, I had a post about a guy who was driving in spite of the fact that he had no arms and one leg. That seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, compared with this.

Police in the Baltic state of Estonia stopped a man who was driving erratically at the weekend, only to find he was blind.

The 20-year-old was driving in the southern city of Tartu early Sunday -- helped by instructions from his 16-year-old passenger.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but why didn't the passenger, who, I presume, could actually see, just do the driving?

At least he wasn't armed when they arrested him

On the one hand, you've got to admire this guy's never-quit attitude in the face of great physical adversity. On the other hand, there are all of his not-so-admirable felony violations.

A man with no arms and one leg who wouldn't stop driving despite a long list of traffic violations was sentenced to five years in prison Friday on felony driving and drug charges.

Michael Francis Wiley, 40, also was sentenced to 15 years of drug offender probation. He pleaded no contest in June to the charges.

"I'd just like to say I know what I did was wrong," Wiley said in court Friday. "I am truly sorry your honor. I am."

Wiley taught himself to drive after losing both arms and a leg in an electrical accident when he was 13. He has already spent more than three years in prison for habitually driving without a license, kicking a state trooper and other charges.

I'm going to go out on a limb [rim shot] and guess he was probably seated in his car when he kicked the cop.

House of 1000 1 Corpses

I've been reading a book about England and Germany in the years leading up to World War I, and it talks about how, after Queen Victoria's husband Prince Albert died, she had his clothes laid out every day as if he was still alive and kept a plaster cast of his hand next to her bed so that she could hold it during the night.

That all sounds perfectly sane compared to this:

A woman in Mexico City kept the body of her dead husband by her bedside for a year until neighbors, disturbed by the smell, called the police.

It took them a whole year to notice the smell?

So, anyway, we've got a putrefied corpse stinking up the joint and the crazy lady who couldn't let go. Could things possibly get any worse than that? Why, of course they could.

Police broke down Mercedes Velarde's door on Tuesday and found the putrefied body of her husband Edmundo on the floor of her bedroom.

Authorities said on Wednesday they were investigating Velarde's claim her husband died of natural causes. They believe the man, in his early 60s, had mental problems that may have been linked to his death.

Local media reported that Velarde's son regularly helped remove worms infesting his father's body. [my emphasis]

Gah! You see, that's why you don't keep decomposing corpses inside the house. At least not without refrigeration, anyway.

The article goes on to say that the police believe that another of the couple's adult children also knew she was keeping the corpse, and that the surviving family members are being examined by a psychiatrist. That sounds like a prudent move, if you asked me.

My powers of observation are staggering

I was just watching the teevee, and a commercial for the Toyota Prius came on. I've probably seen this commercial dozens of times, but tonight was the first time I realized that the dude talking about how much he hearts his Prius is a guy I went to junior high and high school with. He even mentions his name and everything.

You'd think I would've noticed that before.

Lucky bastard

I consider myself lucky on any given week if I find a quarter in the laundry. Then, there are people like this guy, who managed to stumble into some extra luck.

A lottery winner doubled his share of the jackpot to nearly 1 million pounds after he mistakenly bought two lucky tickets for the same draw, organizers Camelot said Wednesday.

Derek Ladner, 57, from Cornwall, and his wife Dawn, 60, won with their usual numbers in the mid-week draw, sharing the 2.4 million pounds jackpot with four other tickets.

A week later, he found a second identical ticket in his wallet and realized he had absent-mindedly entered twice.

Their double-share of the jackpot is worth just under a million pounds.

I think I won ten bucks on a scratcher once, years ago. Meh.

No kidding

I've come to the conclusion that I'm in the wrong racket. I think I should have become a research scientist, since that job seems to often consist of figuring out the obvious:

After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237 reasons why people have sex, researchers found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same motivations. It's more about lust in the body than a love connection in the heart.

College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex _ they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and "it feels good," according to a peer-reviewed study in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior. Twenty of the top 25 reasons given for having sex were the same for men and women.

Expressing love and showing affection were in the top 10 for both men and women, but they did take a back seat to the clear No. 1: "I was attracted to the person."

Researchers at the University of Texas spent five years and their own money to study the overlooked why behind sex while others were spending their time on the how.

It took these professional researchers five years to figure out that people have sex with each other because they're attracted to someone and that it feels good? Wow. Like I said, I'm in the wrong racket.