Snooze car

I like a good nap as much as the next guy, but I usually wait until I get home before I grab my forty winks. This guy, not so much:

Miami Beach police said Joe Jesus German, 19, stole property from several vehicles Sunday in a valet parking garage at the Fontainebleau Resort before falling asleep in the back of a white Infinity, WTVJ-TV, Miami, reported Tuesday.

"The defendant was later located inside of a vehicle he burglarized, by the vehicle owner who was driving home and found defendant passed out in his back seat," the arrest report said.

The owner of the car called the cops, they got their man, and now he has a bunk to sleep on free of charge, so it's really a win for everybody.

Making a mountain out of basically no hills

So some Dutch "semi-professional cyclist-cum-journalist" named Thijs Zonneveld wrote a column half-jokingly proposing that the Netherlands should build an artificial mountain.

Thing is, the idea has kind of caught on, and now, he actually wants to find a way to build a mountain between one and two kilometers tall, which would be higher than the Burj Khalifa skyscraper, currently the world's tallest man-made structure.

So far, there are only a few minor snags:

Zonneveld has yet to figure out exactly how the Dutch mountain would be designed and built, what materials would be used, where it would be located, and, crucially, how much it would cost. He declined to put even a rough price tag on it.

Well, sounds like you've got a great proposal there, and I'm sure dozens of serious contractors will be lining up to work on it.

By the way, did I mention that most of the country is just above sea level? Sounds like a fantastic place for a massive structure like that.

D'oh!

I hope for this guy's sake that they also threw out all of the sharp knives in the home:

An Australian man says he accidentally threw out $50,000 worth of his wife's gold jewelry recently in an attempt to fool any would-be robbers.

The Queensland man -- who gave only his first name, Geoffrey -- hid the family's gold collection in garbage bags after his GPS navigation system and keys were recently stolen, The Courier-Mail in Brisbane reported in its Tuesday edition.

"I had this great idea to split the gold into three rubbish bags so if the thieves did come in they're not going to find it," Geoffrey said.

The valuable trash bags, however, ended up in the local landfill last week when the man's children cleaned house in anticipation of an upcoming move.

You know, if you're hiding your valuables in garbage bags, you might want to tell other members of your family about that, but I guess hindsight is 20/20 like that.

Since it's Friday night...

...and Hurricane Irene is bearing down on the East Coast, how about a more pleasant Irene? Namely, Native American actress Irene Bedard, the voice of Disney's Pocahontas:

She's a little on the flat side, but still much more pleasant than that hurricane of the same name.

Caution! Cute speedbumps ahead!

This would be absolutely terrifying to anybody who's never watched a nature show:

Authorities in Flagstaff, Ariz., are assuring residents there are no rogue pandas roaming the city after some pranksters got creative with an electronic street sign.

The Arizona Department of Transportation-controlled sign was set up to warn drivers not to make left turns at a busy intersection. But motorists heading to work Monday morning got an entirely different message: "Rogue panda on rampage."

I suppose that if you were the owner of a local bamboo grove and also happened to be confined to a wheelchair, this might be disturbing news. Otherwise, not so much.

This is somehow worse than nuclear waste

Slipping on this stuff probably isn't going to give you Minotaur-like superpowers:

A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare on Tuesday that temporarily shut down a U.S. interstate highway during the morning rush hour.

The incident began when the driver of a Greyhound bus carrying the freight alerted the fire department he had lost a part of his load while negotiating the ramp on a highway near Nashville.

Am I the only person who thought that a Greyhound bus wasn't the best possible conveyance for transporting animal semen?

Think of the luggage, people.

Breaking news!

This is an actual headline: Experts: Resumes should leave impression.

No, really?

Kids are stupid

Okay, I feel kind of bad about making fun of a thirsty child, but...

An 8-year-old boy desperate for a drink tried to get into a neighbor's home by sliding down the chimney, but got stuck for more than four hours, authorities said.

West Valley City police Sgt. Robert Hamilton said the thirsty boy climbed a tree to get onto the home's roof, then slid down the chimney feet first on Friday. The boy made it 30 feet down the chimney before he became wedged between the basement and main floor.

Come on, kid! You could use far less ingenuity to stack stuff up to get at the cookie jar. Have you never noticed that water comes out of a thing that's on the exact same level?

On the other hand, we don't know whether or not this kid has any mental problems (the article doesn't say so). Whether or not he does, people really shouldn't be leaving eight-year-old kids at home alone. The results are sometimes hilarious in the movies but are more often tragic in real life.

Since it's Saturday evening...

And I was too lazy to look for a suitable attractive lady last night, here's a pic of NCIS Los Angeles actress Daniela Ruah:

She's got leeeeeeegs!

I won't bother to elaborate much on this

Amen, brother.

"I wore a Speedo when I was in my 20s," Lester said. "But come on. There should be a law prohibiting anyone over the age of 50 from wearing a Speedo."

I should also add that there are a lot of people under the age of 50 (myself very, very, very much included) who should be barred from wearing Speedos and other revealing clothing in public.

Seriously, me, you should cover the hell up. They make full-length robes for a reason.

Mad Max wouldn't have this problem

We're always told that stereotyping people is wrong, but, well...

An Australian man had his driving license suspended for 10 months and was fined after he was caught driving a scooter made of a motorized beer cooler capable of carrying several dozen drinks -- after knocking back a few.

The unconventional scooter featured a cooler box mounted on a wheeled frame and powered by a 50 cc engine, complete with a steering handlebar. The cooler doubled as a driver's seat and was able to hold up to 48 bottles of beer.

[...]

"By the time we built it, it was quite late so we thought we'd go for a bit of a test run," he told Network Ten.

He was caught by the police en route and found to be more than three times over Australia's legal blood alcohol limit, and was charged with drink driving and driving without a license.

The important lesson to take away from this is that Australia actually has a legal blood alcohol limit. And police, for that matter.

(Also, that was a gasoline joke.)

Trapped!

I'm probably going to hell for making any jokes about this, but I was probably going to hell anyway, so who gives a shit?

An Illinois woman's lawsuit against Premier Care in Bathing claims she was trapped in one of the Florida company's tubs for more than 30 hours.

Anna Cullen, who lives in Western Illinois, filed a lawsuit Monday in Cook County Court alleging she fell and "became wedged in the tub," which she was using for only the second time Sept. 4, 2010, the Chicago Sun-Times reported Tuesday.

Okay. I'm not the most svelte guy in the male modeling division. I'm actually (no, ladies, don't scream otherwise!) kind of overweight. But I have a regular shower/tub that came with the house I live in. I didn't have it built so that I could get in and out of it if there was an accident where I slipped. Still, I doubt that I could possibly find myself "wedged" in the tub, barring some sort of horrible multi-fracture or paralysis-inducing accident.

What I'm getting is that this woman must be fat. No, MORBIDLY OBESE.

See, I'm kind of a fat guy (again, female fans, stop screaming "THAT'S NOT TRUE!!!")but if I fall down in the non-custom-built shower/bath that came with the house I live in, I will never be "wedged" into that space.

I guess that what I'm getting at here is that you should have paid for the Super Size Big Gulp Shower.

Undercover ops

Generations of filmgoers have seen various films about cops pretending to be criminals in order to bust the bad guys, and I understand that it actually happens now and then. I just haven't seen this kind of undercover work, though that may just be because it's an Italian thing...

Undercover police have donned togas, capes and sandals to stop a turf battle among Italians who impersonate gladiators outside the Colosseum and other landmarks in Rome and make money by posing for camera carrying tourists.

The trade has been tolerated for years, but that was before about 20 of the practitioners began assaulting and intimidating their competitors to take over lucrative tourist spots such as the Colosseum, the Forum and the Vatican, officials and police said Friday.

So police decided to intervene disguised as gladiators, garbage collectors and tourists, but their operation at the ancient arena and the nearby Piazza Venezia wasn't easy.

On Wednesday, police impersonating gladiators were attacked when they told competitors to leave the scene, but police dressed as garbage collectors and tourists came to their rescue.

They seem to have a costume budget that a lot of Broadway shows would envy.

I wish there was a photo of the Italian cops dressed as "tourists," though. Do they have undercover fat Italian guys in USA T-shirts or imported Asian detectives? Do the police gladiators ever ask to be transferred to fake-garbage collector duty, or vice-versa?

In fact, is this where rogue members of the Rome PD get transferred?

Since it's Saturday Night...

...and I fell asleep early last night before I could get around to posting any cheesecake photos, here's one of actress Amy Adams:

She's one hot tomato! Get it? Because she has red hair? Hey, it's not like I get paid for this stuff.

Well, duh

Alternate headline: Everyone More or Less Pleased About Seeing Naked Lady:

The Woodward County, Okla., sheriff said he isn't investigating the case of a naked woman at a golf course since no one has made a formal complaint.

The incident occurred last month at the Elks Lodge No. 1355 golf tournament fundraiser for its annual rodeo at the Boiling Springs Golf Course in Woodward, Okla., The Oklahoman reported. A woman stripped down during a putting challenge, though she was not asked to do so, the report said.

"We haven't had anybody come in and make a report," Woodward County Sheriff Gary Stanley said Wednesday. "Somebody would need to come in and make a report ... We don't have a victim."

I beg to differ, since there are no photos accompanying this story.

The firm that runs the golf course has been warned that it could lose its lease it anything else this awesome inappropriate happens again.

"We don't claim responsibility," said JCLA Vice President Chris Moya. "She didn't come from the parking lot onto the course naked. It's like predicting lighting."

I think this is inaccurate insofar as nude women showing up at putting challenges are most likely statistically somewhat rarer than lightning strikes.

Now there's something you don't see every day

I don't tend to spend much (okay, any) time in the woods of New Hampshire, but I'm pretty sure that this is a rare occurrence in those parts:

Authorities are investigating the discovery of a decomposing blue shark in the woods of New Hampshire.

Police say they found the 6- to 8-foot shark Thursday night after someone reported smelling something decomposing.

I also don't really have a nose for things that are decomposing. "Something smells bad" is just more of my default setting, seeing as how I am rarely around decomposing creatures of any kind.

The article goes on to say that they think someone caught the shark in the ocean and then dragged it out to the woods to get rid of it for some reason, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense but is more reassuring than the idea of the shark somehow flying there, I suppose.

Since it's Friday night...

...and that is the time of the week usually reserved for the sexy ladies, here is former Amazon ass-kicker Lucy Lawless:

No, I don't mean that she used to beat up the shopping website. Not that I know of, anyway.

Stupid jerks

Why is it that the spiders in this neighborhood constantly insist on spinning their webs at the level of my face and/or hair?

Not. Cool.

When tanning is outlawed...

...only outlaws will be tanned:

Wisconsin police said a man caught driving a stolen vehicle is also facing charges for allegedly sunbathing nude in a stranger's yard chair.

Police said Derek Knight, 20, of Brookfield, was arrested at 1:30 a.m. Friday after driving to a condominium complex in a car that had been reported stolen, Patch.com reported Wednesday.

Officers said Knight was previously arrested June 29 after a woman reported he was sunbathing nude in a chair near her front door and refused to leave. Police arrived to find Knight wearing only a bandanna wrapped around his face and a pair of sunglasses.

Wow. The whole "outlaws" thing I mentioned earlier may be accurate. After all, a court system based on victims pointing out moles or freckles seems like a bad idea.

Criminal mastermind caught somehow

It seems that the cops managed to find a clue which led them to the fiend:

A fugitive from upstate New York who taunted police on his Facebook page to 'catch me if you can. I'm in Brooklyn' has been arrested.

The Daily News says U.S. marshals and NYPD detectives tracked Victor Burgos down to an apartment in Brooklyn's Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood Monday night, sitting at his computer with his Facebook page open.

Yeah, I'm not the kind of person who even commits the most minor of crimes, but I still don't think I'd entice law enforcement officers to issue me a jaywalking ticket, much less a felony.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'd rather just download a picture of a pretty girl than write any stupid jokes, here's actress Laura Prepon:

I tried to find some cheesecake where she was a redhead, but no dice for some reason.

Slow news day

There apparently isn't much going on in New England as of late...

Rob Merlino, 47, of Natick, said he is celebrating July's National Hot Dog Month by having one hot dog for lunch each day during the month, The Boston Globe reported Thursday.

STOP THE PRESSES!!!

Some guy has decided to have the same thing for lunch every day for an utterly astounding 31 days straight? Whatta scoop! I mean, Pulitzer Prize, here we come!

There's gold in them thar poops!

As a dog person (and by that I mean that I'm the owner of a dog, not a dog-human hybrid) I don't really think this is a good idea:

A city in northern Taiwan is trying the Midas touch to persuade reluctant residents to clean up after their canines: offering a chance to win gold bars to anyone handing in bags of doggy deposits.

Starting from August 1, dog owners and other residents of New Taipei City, bordering the capital Taipei, can hand in waste to government cleaning teams in exchange for tickets to a lucky draw. The prizes: three gold ingots worth T$60,000 ($2,100), T$18,000 and T$12,000.

See, I'm pretty sure that this isn't gonna result in more people picking up after their dogs so much as dog food shortages and lots of seriously over-fed dogs.

Also, is there any way to determine whether or not a piece of poop is actually real dog poop? Like a DNA test or something? Because I am almost certain that there will be, uh, "forgers."

Used car for sale

Sounds like it only had one owner, too:

Auction house Bonhams will put under the hammer a rare Rolls Royce Phantom modified for tiger hunting by an Indian maharaja during the days of the British Raj, featuring a mounted machine gun and a cannon, that may fetch up to $1 million.

The custom-made 1925 Rolls Royce was originally commissioned by Umed Singh II, the maharaja of Kotah in the 1920s at a time when tiger hunting was hugely popular in India.

Jeepers, it sounds like tiger war was popular back then. I mean, I'm not a hunter, but I'm pretty sure that hunting (even big cats like tigers) doesn't usually involve cannons and machine guns. I mean, I thought the whole point of hunting an animal like that was that you'd have something to stuff that would look cool in your den, not little bitty chunks of meat and fur.

Oh, good Lord

You know, if he put it in someone else's yard and set it on fire, I can see how that would be a problem, but that's hardly the case here...

A New Jersey man who put a cross in his yard to mark Lent said he will fight back against township officials who forced him to take it down.

Patrick Racaniello of Livingston said he initially put a small cross on a tree in his yard to mark the Christian season from Ash Wednesday to Easter and replaced it with a larger cross when township officials informed him of an ordinance banning postings on structures -- trees included -- "calculated to attract the attention of the public," The (Newark, N.J.) Star-Ledger reported Monday.

Racaniello said he replaced the item with a larger, free-standing cross in his yard, but officials threatened him with fines and he took it down.

So, wait, does that mean that in this township, you're not allowed to put up Christmas lights when December rolls around? Or an American flag on the Fourth of July? How about a "Beware of Dog" sign on your backyard gate?

I understand that in most jurisdictions that there are certain limits on what you can put on your property--after all, I wouldn't want my neighbors putting a billboard on their roof--but let's use some common sense here, people. Putting a small cross on a tree isn't going to hurt anybody.

Since it's Friday night...

...and that's a good a time as any for comely young women, here's a pic of actress Keira Knightley, who seems to be struggling with a tank top:

A little skinny for my taste, but she sure is purty.

The "M" word

You wouldn't think that people who enjoy hanging out in the buff would be worried about offending anyone, but...

"Germany is relying more and more on immigrants to keep the population steady. But many come from countries with strong religious beliefs. They just aren't into [some German nudist association called] FKK." Immigrants who arrive from cultures where headscarves are common will not usually be interested in becoming naturists in Germany, he said.

JUST FUCKING SAY IT!!! You're talking about Muslim immigrants, and since they apparently insist on headscarves, I seriously fucking doubt that they're going to be offended if you mention that they're not into the whole "being naked in public lifestyle."

These are Muslim immigrants, and they are not interested in joining your nudist organization. They like (especially their women) to be fully, fully clothed. Regardless of whether or not you agree or even care, you can point this out, probably even without fear of a Fatwa or anything.

There, was that so hard?

Civic pride

Citizens, prepare to meet Mayor Mickey Mouse:

The races for mayor and three commission seats are wide open in the small North Carolina town of Tar Heel - because no one bothered to run.

No one has registered as a candidate for the fall elections in the Bladen County town. The story was first reported by WECT-TV.

The ballots will be printed with blank spaces for voters to write in their choices.

Having been through the petty bullshit that comprises many local government meetings, I can understand why there aren't many hardworking people willing to sacrifice a few evenings every month to have local cranks yell at them about their obsessive issues, but someone has to take care of the day-to-day business of filling potholes and cleaning out the homes of animal hoarders.

Pranks involving police equipment...

...probably aren't such a good idea:

Police in Pennsylvania said they arrested two men who broke into a police van to take gag pictures and accidentally locked themselves inside the vehicle.

Radnor police said Marlton, N.J., residents Ryan Letchford, 21, and Jeffrey Olsen, 22, left a party early Saturday and entered Constable Mike Connor's van, which had been in the parking lot of the condominium where the party was located, the Philadelphia Daily News reported Monday.

Investigators said Letchford and Olsen, who are believed to have entered the van to take gag pictures of themselves being arrested, got locked in. Police said a friend found them in the van after they failed to return to the party and called 911 because he was unable to free them.

That's actually somewhat comforting. I'm glad that some guy wasn't able to break his drunken jackass pals out of a police vehicle.

Since it's Friday night...

...and there's really nothing but bad, bad, horrible news out there as of late, here's former Real World, um, "contestant" and current actress Jamie Chung in a bikini:

She's almost smiling at you. Almost. Don't get cocky, kid.

It's official

Hollywood is now completely out of ideas.

First, they made a teevee series. Good for them.

Then, they turned that teevee series into a couple of shitty action movies. Um, okay. Not like the first time that's happened.

Finally, the entertainment industry just quit giving any kind of shit and decided to let one of the actresses from the shitty movies produce a new teevee series based on the shitty movies based on the original series.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go write a pilot for a wacky sitcom based on Gone With the Wind. I'll call it Rhett's Rules. Or maybe Scarlett's Blues--And Grays?.

I'll make millions! So long, suckers!

Look! It's Suicideman!

I don't have any super powers, but I don't think this one is something I'd necessarily want:

An 11-year-old boy in Brazil's northeastern city of Mossoro is drawing attention with his purportedly magnet-like qualities.

The Globo TV network has broadcast images of Paulo David Amorim demonstrating how forks, knives, scissors, cooking pans, cameras and other metal objects seem drawn to his body and remain stuck on his chest, stomach and back.

Yeah, see, the thing is that the power to attract knives and scissors toward my chest or stomach seems like the kind of power that could kind of easily kill me, and I'm really more interested in being able to punch criminals really hard in the face or sneaking around invisibly in the ladies' locker room.

What a bright idea!

In a move that's sure to bolster the local economy, the geniuses who run Newark, NJ have decided to do this:

Small restaurants in the city of Newark, New Jersey will be required to have an armed security guard at night under a new law approved by the city council.

The rule comes in the wake of a drive-by shooting in May at the Texas Fried Chicken and Pizza restaurant, where an off-duty Newark police officer was killed.

Under the ordinance, approved by the council unanimously on Thursday, restaurants that serve 15 or fewer people must hire an armed guard to stand watch after 9 p.m. Those unwilling to pay for a security guard must close by 10 p.m.

"If they want to stay open that late, they should provide security. If not, they should close," said Councilman Ras Baraka, who wrote the bill, in a telephone interview.

Uh-huh. Because having some security guard standing around would have totally deterred a drive-by shooting.

Also, forcing small restaurants to close earlier, thereby cutting work hours for employees who are already probably barely scraping by on minimum wage is just a fantastic way to cut down on crime. Be sure to pat yourselves on the back when people start shoplifting things like bread and diapers like crazy.

[Redacted], Justice, and the American Way

I know a few lawyers and they (mostly) aren't the scummy, amoral types of people portrayed in the movies and teevee, but this kind of thing isn't helping:

A lawyer says he has a bone to pick about the validity of signs posted above judges' benches in Miami-Dade county courtrooms proclaiming truth is a goal.

A lawyer in a triple murder case wants the longstanding sign that reads "We who labor here seek only the truth" to be taken down, contending jurors are not always privy to the whole truth during trials, The Miami Herald reported Saturday.

Now, this guy is trying to make the point that some evidence that may be truthful is excluded from trial, but instead of arguing that truth shouldn't be mentioned in the courtroom, shouldn't you argue instead that more truth should be presented?

Seems like the less weasel-like way to go, but then again, I'm not some kind of scummy, amoral lawyer or anything.

Since it's Friday night...

...and everyone here loves new movies and casual sex, here's actress Mila Kunis, who's involved in both:

I don't know much about female fashion, but this doesn't look like a practical everyday outfit. Unless you're some kind of crime-fighting undercover hooker-detective. Which is the world's sexiest occupation. I dare you to find a sexier job.

Yeah, that's a real goldmine

Damn, this is pretty low, even for teenage punks:

Children selling lemonade in the Cleveland suburbs have told police they were robbed by teenagers who pulled up in a rusty old car and threatened to beat them up.

Eleven-year-old Omar Schpeb says he and his friends got scared and handed over their money. But he tells WJW-TV he chased the car as it drove away and the teens tossed back some of the cash.

Okay, so this sounds like it was more about scaring the kids than the money. Why bother?

The kids estimate they lost at least $13.50 to the thieves, described as two guys wearing blue hoodies and skinny jeans and three teenage girls.

Well, I guess that if you're a couple of scrawny emo pussy-boys driving a rusty old junker and looking to impress some girls by being tough guys, you really have to pick your battles.

It doesn't always pay to advertise

Gee, I can't possibly see how anybody would have had a problem with this:

A gigantic Nazi seaside resort on Germany's Baltic coast in the town of Prora has been turned -- after decades of disuse and decay -- into one of the country's largest youth hostels.

Yet initial advertisements highlighting its Nazi past as the "World famous" Strength through Joy (Kraft durch Freude) project caused objections from local historians and led to a marketing U-turn, but not before the German media took notice.

You can kind of picture the meeting at the advertising agency...

"Say, advertising the whole connection between our vacation property and one of the world's most bloodthirsty, murderous regimes might attract some interest."

"Well, nobody else is really mining the skinhead demographic, and those guys must have at least a few bucks/Euros. What the hell--let's do this thing!"

"Seig heil!"

"Okay, I appreciate your enthusiasm for the ad campaign, but, really, that's not cool."

"Sorry. I just got carried away."

"It periodically happens."

Buckle up!

There are laws in many states that require you to wear a seat belt when you get behind the wheel, and speaking as someone who's survived a head-on collision with a light pole, those laws make sense.

So do other laws...

Police in Connecticut said a motorist pulled over for not wearing his seat belt was arrested after drugs concealed in his buttocks fell out of his clothes.

I don't know if Connecticut (or any other state, for that matter) has a law forbidding you expressly from concealing drugs between your ass cheeks, but there really should be a law. This would protect both drug users and police officers, so both sides would win.

You know, because neither side ostensibly handles poop.

Since it's Saturiday night...

...and I forgot to post any cheesecake last night, here's a pic of Jennifer Anniston:

Ooh, sparkly!

Midnight in SoCal

I just got back from buying a pack of smokes at the local CVS. In front of me in the line was a guy covered in tattoos from his neck to his wrists. Behind me was a woman in a full head-to-toe burqa.

(In case you're wondering, I was wearing a T-shirt, shorts, and a Cubs cap.)

I should hope so

The title of this refers to both of the following statements from the not quite poetically-named Bart de Zwart:

"This was by far the hardest thing I've done in my life," he said. "I'm glad I did it but I don't think I'll do it again."

You're going to have to click on this link to find out exactly what this guy did.

Mother's milk

You know, I like breasts as much as the next guy, but I'm pretty sure that using them to fight the cops isn't a good idea:

[Stephanie] Robinette's husband told authorities the pair had been attending a wedding when his wife got drunk and started a dispute. He said that she hit him multiple times before locking herself in her car outside a banquet facility on Saturday.

Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said that when police approached the car to speak to her, she yelled profanities and refused to get out.

"When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle she advised the deputies that she was a breastfeeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk," Davis said.

Um, I don't know much of anything about being a "breastfeeding mother," but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be boozing it up while you're doing that.

Also, you might not want to fight with the cops if you have small children who require your attention, but what do I know?

Bed, bars, and breakfast

Gee, this sure sounds like fun:

Officials in a Missouri county said they are celebrating the opening of a new jail with a "Bed, Breakfast and Bars" promotion open to the public.

The Cole County Commission and Sheriff's Office said the event, which will be held July 15 or 16, will allow participants to spend the night in a cell with dinner, breakfast and facility tours included for the price of $30 per person, the Jefferson City (Mo.) News Tribune reported Monday.

There's no word in the article about whether or not the jail administrators will be offering their guests "toilet wine" with their meals.

Since it's Friday night...

...and we're nostalgic about the late 80s/early 90s, here's Cindy Crawford:

The mole that launched a thousand ships.

Somewhere in Africa...

...a starving child goes, "Oh, what the hell, people--Can I just get some fucking rice?!!"

Move over funnel cakes and corn dogs, deep-fat fried Kool-Aid is here.

"Oh, the moment of truth," said Joe Cocoba, a 31-year-old nursing student before biting into the glistening brown dough ball with a pink fluffy interior. "I can taste it (the Kool-Aid)! It's good."

People who know me can attest that I'm far from a bleeding-heart liberal or an especially hardcore advocate for healthy eating (the former and the latter are pretty much even in terms of what doesn't define me), but when we've come to a place where we're deep frying fucking Kool-Aid, we're on the verge of Ancient Roman-style decadence.

Cocoba said biting into a kid's drink only made him want to try more of Chicken Charlie's other deep-fried offerings such as Klondike bars, Girl Scout cookies, Twinkies, avocados and the ultimate cholesterol-builder: A Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich. Yes, it's two deep-fried doughnuts with a chicken breast squashed between them.

Aw, fuck it. We're already there. Welcome, Visigoths!!!

No, REALLY?!!

You know, I really missed the boat on the whole scientific research as an easy career thing:

A recent study by Texas researchers proves what single men have known for a long time: Chicks dig hot cars.

Men who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single than their financially conservative counterparts, researchers at the University of Texas at San Antonio said.

Other results found that water was wet and that water from France was more expensive than water from America (at least in America). Also, buying the water from France for someone else is more likely to get you laid than buying them some American water that costs less. Because, money.

You've got to spend money to make money

This is a truism that usually applies to entrepreneurship, but in this case, it applies to thievery, too:

Fort Lauderdale police said the unidentified robber pointed a gun at an employee of the 1939 NW Ninth Ave. Family Dollar store June 1 and ordered a second clerk to open the register, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reported Monday.

However, the clerks explained they could not open the register unless a purchase was made, and the robber took $1 from his pocket and paid for a pack of gum, police said.

Police said the man fled with the money from the register, including his $1.

Sure, this is just another armed robbery story, but what fascinates me here is the fact that all the parties involved pretty much played by the rules. Yeah, the suspect um, kind of robbed the place and took off with the money, sure. Which is plenty wrong by any standard. But the clerks insisted that in spite of being threatened with a gun, they couldn't open the register unless he bought something.

The gun-toting thug then proceeded not only to select an item from the store's inventory, but to also fish out a dollar from his pocket and pay for it. Pretty much because they asked him to, in spite of the fact that he was holding them at gunpoint.

I've never been the victim of an armed robbery before, but I'm pretty sure that if a guy with a gun said, "Okay, just pretend like I bought a pack of gum--or not, it's really your choice--and you open the register and nobody gets hurt regardless of the store policy," I think I'd go along with that.

Since it's Friday night...

...you know, I just don't feel like it. If you'd like to suggest an attractive woman in some state of undress for next week's sexy lady pic, go ahead and leave it in the comments. Novelty requests will not be considered, so save your men in drag, Rosie O'Donnell, and men dressed up as Rosie ideas for some other, more late-Octoberish time.

The important thing is that everyone has fun

Interim chamber president Blue Hessner says the chamber wants to sell rights to the event and concentrate on business development.

According to the Boulder Daily Camera, the event has become too expensive and the chamber believes an event company could do a better job.

I'll let you go ahead and click here to find out why this thing probably has somewhat limited appeal.

The "peace treaty" isn't the joke here

Okay, seriously, just wait for it...

A handshake wasn't enough for two Malaysian neighbors embroiled in a lengthy and bitter feud sparked by complaints over barking dogs -- the two actually signed a peace treaty.

The three-year battle began when one of the men complained to the police in Malaysia's southern Johor state, where they lived, about his neighbor's noisy dogs, the Star newspaper reported.

The dog owner retaliated by playing loud music at night, throwing cans of paint into his neighbor's house and driving his car into the gate. His neighbor filed a counter complaint about the music.

Aaaaaaand, there it is.

You know, maybe it's just me, but I think I might have filed a complaint about, you know, the violent acts of vandalism instead of the music.

Although, on the other hand, I know nothing about Malaysian music, so some of it might be more horrible than throwing paint or crashing your car into your neighbor's property.

The truth is out there

There are forces in this universe which cannot be explained. Mysteries that conventional science and forensic investigation are powerless to solve. Case in point:

The Florida Highway Patrol said James Scarborough, 49, of Golden Gate Estates, was taken to Physicians Regional Hospital with minor injuries Sunday after he apparently crashed his motorcycle into some trees and became pinned under the vehicle, the Naples Daily News reported Tuesday.

Police said Scarborough was shouting profanities and attempting to leave his hospital bed when they arrived to interview him. They said he denied crashing his motorcycle and told them he had become pinned under the bike due to the actions of the "boogeyman."

Clearly, this bears some further paranormal investigation, where a real-life Mulder and Scully are dispatched to Florida to find out whether or not there is evidence (which will prove inconclusive by the end of the episode--or case), right?

Officers said they smelled a strong odor of alcohol on Scarborough's breath.

Oh. Huh. Never mind.

This must have been a fun report to write

Well, that sure clears things up...

Police say a Washington man who was holding a dead weasel when he assaulted his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend was actually yielding a mink carcass.

It's all good, though, as she was later presented with a lovely coat.

Since it's Friday night...

...and that means looking at pictures of sexy women, how about this one of sitcom actress Cobie Smulders, eh?

Yeah, she's actually Canadian. You can tell by the mis-matched underwear. And the fact that she's wearing a sweater on top of it.

I can think of a few others

Germany may not be known for humor, but is it really the least funny country in the world?

The Germans have been voted the world's "least funny nationality" in a global poll, which names Americans the funniest overall and the Spanish the most amusing Europeans, ahead of the Italians and French.

Um, North Korea, Sudan, and Cuba come to mind as a few countries which probably have a little less to laugh about than Germany as of late.

Patty Ann, RIP

I've experienced the loss of friends and family members, but something different happened today. I lost someone who I had only ever interacted with online.

If you hit that link and are confused by the picture of Jessica Rabbit at the top of the page, I wouldn't blame you. It's because Patty Ann used a pic of that cartoon character as her avatar online. I have no idea what she looked like, though I've been told she actually was a beautiful redhead.

I actually had kind of an ongoing "bit" with PA, where I would ask her "Patty Ann, why don't we ever talk?" She would give various replies, but it usually either boiled down to the fact that I was creepy or that I was too shy to actually talk to someone as sexy as she was. She was a good sport, and I know that at least a few people found our back-and-forth funny, myself included.

Something happened a while back where a member of our online community suffered a family tragedy, and she took it upon herself to organize donations for his family and the charitable organization that they subsequently set up. Her spirit really shone through during that trying time.

Patty Ann had been suffering through some health problems for a while, and she'd been hospitalized for a few weeks. Before passing away, she had to have one of her legs amputated, and she had to have another serious medical procedure involving her arteries. Thankfully, she had angels like Cathy and her family there with her throughout the ordeal.

We know people in different ways these days. I've interacted with a lot of people who I think of as friends, but I've never met them in "meatspace." There have been a few where that's overlapped. Would it have been better if I'd been able to give her a hug just once? Of course! But I'd still like to think that we were friends.

This comment from The Hostages is spot on:

Comment by Hotspur on June 7, 2011 10:04 am

You know how we joke about fake internet friends?

This does not feel fake.

Hopefully, if I'm good enough, we'll finally get a chance to talk someday.

Update: If you're so inclined, you can donate at a link here.

Wish granted

A man once said that you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Case in point:

The Delaware State Police said they responded to a complaint at the Super Lodge Motel in Newcastle at about 6 a.m. Saturday and the troopers were approached by Teiera Rider, 20, who they said was "demanding" to be taken to jail, the Philadelphia Daily News reported Monday.

Troopers said Rider refused their requests for her to calm down and she is accused of kicking and spitting at them as they placed her under arrest.

Rider was charged with resisting arrest, offensive touching of law-enforcement officers, criminal mischief, underage drinking and disorderly conduct.

And then, because they didn't want to reward her for her bad behavior, they refused to take her to jail.

(Just kidding. That would have been stupid.)

Since it's Friday night...

...and pretty ladies are the norm here, how about Playboy model Sung Hi Lee?

Far be it from me to criticize anyone else's fashion sense, but boots and underwear is not a look I would go with. I'm just saying is all.

Can't drive 55?

You might want to move to New York:

Groninger says state law lists only six municipal locations that require advance notice of defects: sidewalks, crosswalks, streets, highways, bridges and culverts.

Four judges say this parking lot serves the "functional purpose" of a highway, "open to the use of the public for purposes of vehicular travel."

I'll leave it up to you to click on the link, but the ruling basically means that you can legally* drive around New York's parking lots at about 65 MPH.

*I should note here that I am not an attorney licensed by the New York State Bar Association or any other state Bar Association, for that matter. I do not even play a lawyer on TV. Any legal advice followed as a result of advice offered here is an attempt at internet comedy, not actual lawyer stuff.

At least they didn't "woof" at her

I guess I kind of don't get Australian politics:

A meowing Australian senator touched off a political row in Canberra on Wednesday after his cat imitation directed at Finance Minister Penny Wong sparked accusations that the opposition behaved like sexists and goons, and were feral.

Liberal Tasmanian Senator David Bushby meowed at Wong at a hearing when Wong - Australia's first Malaysian-born and first openly gay cabinet member - fought constant interruptions.

A visibly livid Wong snapped, "Oh yes, why don't you meow when a woman does that? ... The blokes are allowed to yell, but if a woman stands her ground, you want to make that kind of comment.

"It's sort of schoolyard politics, mate."

Um, I did a two-second Google search, and it seems that Wong is a woman, so that seems somewhat confusing, even if she happens to be a lesbian. Also, is "meowing" at someone an insult in Australia?

Actually, considering that Australia is full of poison-dripping spiders and kangaroos that will beat you to death, comparing you to a kitty cat is probably a pretty clever way to call someone, well, a pussy.

Police thwart criminal mastermind

Thank God, the good people of Manhattan can sleep soundly now that this monster is once again off the streets:

Jose Andujar, 43, was arrested Friday in Times Square for selling the Obama condoms, and police said it was his third arrest for unlicensed peddling in the past year, the New York Post reported Tuesday.

A State Supreme Court justice previously ruled Andujar does not need a vending license to sell the condoms, and his products are protected under his First Amendment right to free speech.

However, police said Andujar will continue to be subject to arrest pending the outcome of the city's appeal.

Far be it from me to tell New York's Finest how to do their jobs (which is a clear signal that I'm about to do just that thing) but I can't help thinking that their time, manpower, and money might be better spent chasing down, oh, say, murderers and rapists instead of repeatedly arresting a dude selling novelty condoms.

Memorial Day

Since it's Friday night...

...and that is the time typically reserved for cheesecake, here's a photo of singer/sometimes crazy person Mariah Carey:

She looks comfortable for someone who has apparently been sucked into a dimension void of matter.

Are you a better ad exec than a fifth grader?

Um, in this case, apparently not...

A health board in Washington state has reversed itself and voted against endorsing a colon cancer awareness campaign that uses billboards saying, "What's up your butt?"

The Tri-City Herald reports that Wednesday's vote by the Benton Franklin Health District in Kennewick, Wash., was in response to complaints the ads are in poor taste.

They've since decided to go with the somewhat more tasteful slogan "A Sphincter Says 'What'?"

Trust me, I forgot to carry the cubit

Hey, to be fair, math can be kind of tricky:

The evangelical Christian broadcaster whose much-ballyhooed Judgment Day prophecy went conspicuously unfulfilled on Saturday has a simple explanation for what went wrong -- he miscalculated.

Instead of the world physically coming to an end on May 21 with a great, cataclysmic earthquake, as he had predicted, Harold Camping, 89, said he now believes his forecast is playing out "spiritually," with the actual apocalypse set to occur five months later, on October 21.

Camping, who launched a doomsday countdown in which some followers spent their life's savings in anticipation of being swept into heaven, issued his correction during an appearance on his "Open Forum" radio show from Oakland, California.

Now, I've always been an agnostic, I'm not a much of a gambler, and I'm certainly not a lawyer, but do any of these people who gambled all their money on the Rapture happening based on this guy's apparently faulty Biblical calculations get to sue him because of their losses?

Also, let this be a lesson to you: Never trust anyone from Oakland. Al Davis should have proved that a long time ago.

I don't know much about the car rental business...

...but I'm pretty sure that a jittery guy who's just been in a car wreck probably isn't your ideal customer:

Police in Washington state said an allegedly inebriated driver destroyed a vehicle he had rented after totaling his own vehicle while under the influence.

David Britt, 21, was hospitalized Tuesday after slamming his Chevy Tahoe into a parked pickup truck while being pursued by Spokane Valley police officers who said they saw him fly through an intersection at an estimated 70 mph shortly after midnight.

He told police the Chevy was a rental he had been driving since he had wrecked his own pickup while driving under the influence of cocaine.

The high-speed chase ended with the Tahoe crashing through a power pole and an iron fence before striking a parked truck at the Whimsical Pig apartments.

Well, at least his drug-fueled antics resulted in him colliding with something at an amusingly-named building. If it was something like, say, an orphanage named after a local war hero, that would have been a real bummer.

I can't believe it's not Acapulco Gold

If 1980s comedies told me anything about babysitting, it was that it was a profession fraught with wacky misunderstandings. Well, it looks like nothing much has changed since then:

A Pennsylvania woman will stand trial on charges she fed marijuana-laced margarine to a 12-year-old girl she was baby-sitting, as well as two other children at her home.

The 12-year-old's mother called Upper Burrell Township police after discovering the drugs in a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in 22-year-old Stevie Hickey's freezer. The woman tells police Hickey spread the substance on two pieces of toast that Hickey gave to the girl.

Police say Hickey told the girl it was "parsley butter" but later acknowledged to police that it was marijuana.

Well, I guess we can all breathe a sigh of relief, seeing as how she didn't serve the tot some "salted butter," with great big rocks of "salt" that she'd stashed in her freezer.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I usually post pictures of sexy ladies during that part of the week, here's a photo of actress Alison Brie:

I can't help but think she's lying on that piece of furniture upside-down and backwards, but I'm somehow okay with that.

Persistence (kind of) pays off

I guess that the good news here for most of us is that you don't have to be particularly skilled or talented to be a World Record holder:

A retired prison guard ate his 25,000th Big Mac on Tuesday, 39 years to the day after eating his first ... nine.

Don Gorske was honored after reaching the meaty milestone during a ceremony at a McDonald's in his hometown of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. Surely McDonald's most loyal customer, Guinness World Records recognized Gorske's feat three years and 2,000 Big Macs ago, and the 57-year-old says he has no desire to stop.

"I plan on eating Big Macs until I die," he said. "I have no intentions of changing. It's still my favorite food. Nothing has changed in 39 years. I look forward to it every day."

The sign beneath the golden arches Tuesday read "Congrats Don Gorske 25000 Big Macs."

I think they left out a few words (specifically "On Not Dying After Eating") from the middle of their sign.

That's actually not fair, since he's described later in the article as "trim" and having low cholesterol, and he's apparently pretty healthy, which is pretty amazing, considering...

He's only gone eight days since [May, 1972!] without a Big Mac, and most days he eats two. Among the reasons he skipped a day was to grant his mother a dying wish. His last Big Mac-less day was Thanksgiving 2000, when he forgot to stock up and the store was closed for the holiday.

The man hasn't gone a day without a Big Mac in nine and a half years. Hell, I haven't even eaten breakfast every day in that time span.

Germans are fun!

You read that right. In spite of their Twentieth Century reputation for being, er, somewhat joyless, we've managed to turn the Krauts into the Las Vegas of Europe:

One in three university students in the German capital would consider sex work as a means to finance their education, a study from the Berlin Studies Center said on Wednesday.

The figure in Berlin, where prostitution is legal, was higher than students surveyed in Paris (29.2 percent) and in Kiev (18.5 percent), the three cities the report looked at.

The study found some 4 percent of the 3,200 Berlin students surveyed said they had already done some form of sex work, which includes prostitution, erotic dancing and Internet shows.

A Nation of whores isn't necessarily something to aspire toward, but it's probably something that Germany's neighbors can be a little more comfortable with.

Expected things found in expected thing

Hey, some town found out what was going on back in 1961!

Officials in a Louisiana city said they opened a time capsule from 1961 and found newspapers, photographs and items celebrating the city's 1961 centennial.

So, when I have a bunch of newspapers from 1961, I'm a hoarder, but when they bury those same newspapers, it's somehow better?

Small town to be overrun by tourists

Actually, maybe not so much:

Tourism officials have made a point of displaying the hundreds of pencil sharpeners collected by an Ohio minister who died last summer.

The Rev. Paul Johnson had kept his collection in a small shed he called his museum, outside his home in Carbon Hill in southeast Ohio. A new home for his more than 3,400 sharpeners was dedicated Friday inside a regional welcome center.

I understand that you do what you have to do in order to attract tourist dollars to your sleepy burg, but I don't really see this pumping a hell of a lotof money into the local economy. I blame the mechanical pencil industry.

DAMN YOU, PENTEL!!!

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'm running out of hot chicks to feature here, what the hell, how about Megan Fox?

I actually picked this photo because it didn't show any of her stupid, ugly tattoos.

It's the thought that counts

As far as publicity goes, this will surely get some attention, but I think the message might get kind of lost:

A Japanese lingerie maker Wednesday unveiled a bra that carries messages of encouragement from overseas as the country struggles to recover from a devastating quake and tsunami that struck exactly two months ago.

The white, bustier-style garment and matching skirt by Triumph are covered with messages from 36 different countries received in the aftermath of the disaster, each accompanied by a tiny flag of the nation that sent it.

Yeah, the thing is, though, the actual words of support from around the world would probably get a little more attention if you put them on teevee commercials or billboards instead of all over lingerie on an attractive model.

Subtext?

Okay, so there's a case in Wisconsin where a former school bus driver named Delton Gorges was recently sentenced to seven years in prison for sexually molesting an underage boy. The judge who sentenced him, Philip Kirk, made some rather, um, interesting remarks...

"I think you were born gayer than a sweet-smelling jockstrap," Kirk said.

Okay, that's not exactly what I would say while questioning some other dude's sexuality, but...

"I think that if anyone believes that in the last 10 years or 15 years all of a sudden you developed an interest in homosexuality and young boys, then I must have looked ravishing in my prom dress this year," Kirk said.

Alright, he's being ironic there, seeing as how he probably didn't wear a prom dress. And even if he did, he probably didn't look "ravishing." Probably.

Kirk talked about how difficult life was for gays in Wisconsin in the 1940s and 1950s when "no one knew there was a closet to come out of."

Okay, I think I'm going to stop here while I'm ahead.

Next time, try buying a flashy car

The Lord (and anybody who is a personal acquaintance) knows that I'm not good with the ladies, but even I don't see this being a winning strategy for picking up women:

A suburban Chicago man thought he had the perfect chick magnet in his pet alligator. Authorities only saw a dangerous animal.

A charge of possession of a dangerous animal has been filed against 43-year-old Dewayne Yarbrough of Ford Heights, who claims he kept the four-foot alligator to impress women.

Seriously, "You wanna go back to my place and have a look at my alligator?" seems like one of the worst pickup lines you could ever possibly use.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I didn't do much posting last week, I guess I owe you something extra. So, here are a couple of twins in bikinis:

I have no idea who they are, but it doesn't really matter, does it? It's not like any of us is getting their phone numbers or anything.

They might want to put up a sign or something

There are just so many things wrong going on here that I'm really not sure where to start...

A mayor in Germany helped rescue a man who became trapped in a women's prison after mistaking it for a shortcut to a nearby park, police in the northern city of Hildesheim said on Wednesday.

[...]

The man told police he was strolling through town and did not immediately notice he had walked into a prison. By the time it dawned on him where he was, the gate to the jail had already closed, locking him inside.

Okay, first of all, either this guy needs to be considerably more aware of his surroundings (seriously, is he Mr. Magoo or something?) or the authorities need to label their prisons a lot better. I understand that the Germans may not be comfortable with lots of barbed wire and guard towers, but people really should be able to figure out when they're walking into a prison. At least make it look kind of prison-y.

And that brings me to another point, which is that you should not be able to just casually stroll into a fucking prison. One would think that there would be guards at the gate asking people who could potentially be smuggling contraband items into the facility for some identification. Also, if you can just wander in mistakenly without any guards noticing, what's to keep you from wandering out on purpose?

Finally, why did the mayor have to get this guy out after he was mistakenly locked in? Couldn't he have approached some sort of prison official and said, "Say, I'm not a woman and I seem to have been mistakenly locked in your correctional facility for women"?

I'm beginning to suspect that this is not the best-supervised (or staffed) prison in the world.

Hey, that's great!

I've never achieved a world record, but on the other hand, I can bitch about politics without fear of my neighbors ratting me out to the authorities:

A Cuban cigar roller said he is submitting his 230-foot cigar to Guinness World Records for recognition as the world's longest cigar.

Jose Castelar Cairo, 67, who uses the name Cueto for his cigar rolling, said he began rolling the massive Habano -- a cigar containing 100 percent Cuban tobacco -- April 25 using tobacco from his own farm in San Juan y Martinez and completed the project Tuesday, the Cuban News Agency reported Wednesday.

I'm not sure what the guy got as a prize, but I'm fairly certain that it wasn't a shiny new car.

Green thumb grannies

Every once in a while, you hear about an old woman who goes back to college. This isn't quite as inspirational, although they were engaging in college student behavior:

Aleen Lam, 72, and Virginia Chan Pon, 65, were arrested Friday after neighbors called police to report a burglary, said San Mateo County District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe.

When officers arrived, they found the door had been kicked in and nobody was home.

Through the broken door, police could see marijuana growing inside the house, Wagstaffe said.

Police obtained a search warrant and found 800 marijuana plants, $3,000 in cash and an electrical bypass that allowed the women to tap into a Pacific Gas and Electric Co. power line to steal electricity, Wagstaffe said.

"This has not happened in the 34 years that I've been here," he said in describing the operation and the suspects' ages.

Well, with the Baby Boomers hitting their golden years, you might want to get used to it.

(You know, because there will be more cases of glaucoma.)

So...

...I've haven't been doing any blogging here for a few days. Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?

Oh, right...



I understand that the song was originally part of a larger satire of jingoism, but I don't really care. It's come to be something that Morons like me want to hear when something AWESOME happens.

Some things to be (kind of) happy about

My Dad returned from Illinois tonight, and while I haven't discussed Grandpa's passing with him at length, he seems to be at peace with it. He apparently didn't suffer much pain in his last few days, and he was able to go in his own home, instead of in some hospital stuffed full of plastic tubes. Also, his mind hadn't deteriorated, which is something that can be terrible, from what I understand after hearing other people's stories about the end of their elderly family members' lives.

We're all still going to miss him terribly, but it could have been much, much worse.

Rest In Peace

I got some sad news tonight. My Grandpa, who had been in poor health for a while now, passed away. He was 99. Thankfully, he wasn't in pain and he was in his own home, which he had owned for around fifty years. And my Dad was with him.

He saw a range of things that are unbelievable over the course of his lifetime. When he was born, Russia had a Tsar and Germany had a Kaiser. After two World Wars, he saw the rise and fall of the Soviet Union. He and his sister rode a horse to school, and eventually he saw Man walk on the moon.

He also built up a successful business that is still running, married the love of his life, and had two sons. He was a pillar of his community. He was a good man. And he had a good run.

Rest In Peace, Grandpa. I love you.

Since it's Friday night...

...and Friday is fun time, here's a picture of actress Malin Akerman:

Thank God she was blessed with those looks, because her parents didn't really do her any favors with that name.

Are you a drunk jagoff? There's an app for that!

I don't do the whole text messaging thing or use the "apps" that the kids are into these days, but if I did, this might come in useful:

A Florida woman said the iPhone app she created uses games to prevent people from sending drunk text messages they would later regret.

Samantha Deeter of Destin said she contacted an app development company with her idea and they made her a partner in the creation of the Textalyzer app, the Northwest Florida Daily News of Fort Walton Beach, Fla., reported Wednesday.

"This is to prevent people from doing the ultimate no-no," Destin said. "I was briefly single and would run around from time to time bar hopping after work and would always tell people, 'I wish there was a Breathalyzer for phones.' That's when I got the idea."

Now, I'm probably the most hypocritical person who could be giving this advice, but if Samantha has had problems with sending text messages that she regrets after "bar hopping," she might just want to think about cutting down on the booze.

CLOWN FIGHT!!!

I've never been to the circus, but I always pictured it involving more juggling and trapezes and less gunplay:

A shootout between two German circus families competing over tent space has left six people injured, police said on Tuesday.

The disagreement came to a head on Monday evening as the families fired guns, used knives and attacked each other with batons, police in the Bavarian city of Regensburg said.

Thankfully, no unicycle-riding bears were injured during the course of the melee.

The forbidden dance

The internets have been a great resource for finding information about a broad array of topics, including whether or not some people are lying, cheating bastards:

A New York City woman who was getting $850 a month in alimony because she was supposedly disabled and unable to work had her payments slashed after her ex-husband spotted online photos of her belly dancing.

Brian McGurk went to court after discovering a blog that showed his 43-year-old ex-wife dancing at a gallery.

In other Internet postings, she wrote about dancing vigorously for several hours every day.

Dorothy McGurk told the court that the dancing was physical therapy for injuries she suffered in a car accident in the mid-1990s.

The judge didn't go for that, so he cut her payments to $400 per month and slapped her with a couple of other financial penalties. What I don't get is why she's not spending any time in jail for fraud.

Since it's Friday night...

...and nothing here is written in stone, I thought I'd change things up a little with a song one of The Hostagettes (sorry, I forget who) linked a week or two ago:

Side effects may include gas

So, this is what a slapstick remake of Drugstore Cowboy would be like:

Pharmacist Mac Clark at Fred's Drug Store in Pascagoula had been hit by thieves targeting the narcotic pain-killer Lortab three or four times in the last six months, WLOX-TV, Biloxi, Miss., reported Wednesday.

"We know what they're after," Clark said.

Clark said he set the decoy bottle of red beans out as bait.

Around 6 a.m. Wednesday, someone broke into the store, triggering the alarm, and stole something other than what they thought what they thought was a bottle of Lortab, WLOX-TV said.

I'm not sure that setting out junkie/criminal bait is that great of an idea for a business, but I guess he got a laugh out of it, and that's really what counts.

This is comical to those of us who don't have kids

To the rest of you who are responsible parents, I'm guessing not so much:

On Friday, Taylor Dill-Reese went to an Applebee's in Madison Heights, Michigan, where - among other things - she ordered her 15-month-old son Dominick an apple juice.

What the little boy apparently got instead was a margarita. His mom told WDIV-TV that she only realized something was wrong when Dominick "kind of laid his head on the table and dozed off a little bit and woke up and got real happy."

The little boy reportedly began hailing strangers, too.

While it's really awful that they managed somehow to serve a toddler a Margarita instead of a sippy cup of apple juice, I still think it's pretty funny that the result was the same as what happens when every other guy gets too much to drink at a bar.

I just wonder what the toddler equivalent of "'Sup, brah?" is.

Now, he belongs to the ages

Some people achieve "immortality" by reaching their sport's Hall of Fame. Others do so by creating a masterful work of art that will be enjoyed and discussed by subsequent generations. And then, there's this guy...

In life, Pall Arason sought attention. In death, he is getting it: The 95-year-old Icelander's pickled penis will be the main attraction in one of his country's most bizarre museums.

I'll let you go ahead and click on the link if you want to find out how Paul will gain the attention of museum-goers.

Evil genius tripped up by telltale clue

If you watch shows like CSI, sometimes a criminal is tripped up by a fiber that they left behind at a crime scene, but it's much easier for the cops when they leave behind this many fibers:

Charlotte-Mecklenburg police said two men broke into a home March 29 while a man and a woman were home and stole a wallet and jewelry from the residence, The Charlotte Observer reported Monday.

The man struggled with the robbers as they fled the home and a T-shirt fell from their vehicle before they sped away. The man told investigators the man pictured on the T-shirt was one of the suspects.

It certainly doesn't help if you're leaving a crime scene and you leave it behind, but unless you're in a famous band that's on tour, there's really no good excuse for you to be driving around with T-shirts which bear your likeness.

Since it's Friday night...

...and Fridays were made for gawking at beautiful women, here's British model Kelly Brook:

The look on her face is about 50% "come hither" and 50% "SECURITY!!!"

Right to knife

I could make some kind of joke about one-armed 1950s juvenile delinquents here, but instead, I'll go ahead and wonder how this law got introduced in the first place:

Maine lawmakers on Wednesday approved legalizing switchblades for people with one arm, moving close to becoming the first state to make such an exception to laws that ban use of the spring-action knives.

Backers of the measure say legalizing switchblades would eliminate a need for one-armed people to be forced to open folding knives with their teeth in emergencies.

The bill to allow amputees and other one-armed people to carry the quick-opening knives cleared Maine's Senate on Wednesday after passing the House on Tuesday, Senate officials said.

Don't get me wrong, this actually sounds somewhat sensible, but was there some kind of clamor from the one-armed community to allow them to use switchblades? And are there a lot of people up there who are missing an arm for some reason?

Better late than never

Yeah, actually, that principle doesn't really apply here:

Officers say Jerry Maestas drove to the hospital Tuesday with the 33-year-old woman's decomposing body propped up in the passenger seat.

The 64-year-old Maestas asked hospital staff to come outside and help his sick friend. Police spokesman Jeremy Apodaca says the staff could tell by the smell that the woman had been dead for some time.

Man, I doubt there are enough air fresheners in the world to get that smell out of his car.

Seriously, though, he's being charged with failing to report the woman's death.

Just kidding!

I enjoy a good joke as much as the next guy, provided that the next guy isn't an undercover cop:

Police in Florida said an alleged drug dealer who fled with $525 from undercover agents claimed the incident was an April Fools' Day joke.

The Marion County High Intensity Drug Trafficking Area task force said undercover agents arranged through a confidential source to purchase 40 oxycodone pills from Sara Medeiros, 30, and they met with her Friday at an undisclosed location, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported Tuesday.

The task force said Medeiros told the agents she had to take the money to another location to get the drugs from a third-party dealer and she left the scene with $525. Agents said the woman never returned.

Medeiros was later located inside a vehicle in Ocala and she told officials during an interview she had taken the money, which was recovered, as an April Fools' joke.

Yeah. April Fools' jokes are normally wacky things that you play on people you know, don't involve you running off with several hundred dollars, and don't have a chance of backfiring on you in that you could end up either in prison or a shallow grave. Although I may just be a bit too timid with my April Fools' jokes.

Buyer beware

You know, you might want to do some research before making a big, stupid purchase:

A man who bought a used 300-foot Staten Island Ferry to convert it into a waterborne dorm for New York college students is drowning in a bad case of buyer's remorse.

Former marina owner Jacques Guillet bought the orange ferry for $162,000 at a closed-bid auction three years ago.

But he's failed to find an affordable parking spot along the area's waterfront for the 3,500-passenger boat, named the Gov. Herbert H. Lehman. The city wanted to charge him $1,000 a day.

Now, I've never been on the Staten Island Ferry, but I'm almost certain that I wouldn't want to live on it for any extended period of time.

In the meantime, I just came into some money, so I'm thinking of buying a bunch of old subway cars and stacking them up to form a cheap apartment building. What could possibly go wrong?

Since it's Friday night...

...and now is the time on Sprockets when we dance, here's Teutonic treat Heidi Klum:

She married a pockmarked guy who hasn't done anything notable for a decade, so there may be hope for the rest of us!

You guys might want to get a camera or a security guard or something

Man, from what I've seen of security video reviewed on various episodes of COPS, it's tougher to steal from convenience stores in small towns in Virginia:

Thieves stole four diamonds worth several million dollars from a trader's stand at the world's biggest watch and jewelry fair in Basel on Wednesday, prosecutors said.

"Three men engaged the staff in a sales talk while one or two others opened the showcase," said Markus Melzl, spokesman for the Basel prosecutor's office. "These were real pros who had done some research ahead."

Whereas the staff entrusted with millions of dollars worth of merchandise were apparently a few people hired by a temp agency who had never been around anything of value before and should subsequently never be trusted with looking after so much as a single shiny penny.

Niche marketing

Uh, maybe it's just me, but this doesn't really sound like something I'd want to purchase:

The lascivious tongue of Kiss's Gene Simmons will adorn the first Food and Drug Administration-approved "picture condoms," the manufacturer said Wednesday.

Graphic Armor Inc. said Condomania's Kiss Kondoms, which have long carried images of the rock band on their boxes and wrappers, will now have Simmons' "iconic fully extended tongue" running down the length of the condom itself.

Maybe I have issues, but I really don't see the appeal of having the image of some other dude's tongue adorning my junk, much less glancing down and seeing it thrusting in and out of my lady friend.

Yeah, it's probably just me.