Happy Halloween!

I don't really do anything special as far as Halloween is concerned. I usually just stay at home and hand out candy to the trick or treaters. Oh, and I finally got around to carving my Jack-O-Lantern today, too. Later, I'm just going to hit the local watering hole.

Anyway, that said, enjoy the following (but note that there's a CONTENT WARNING, seeing as how it's full of violence and gore and even has some brief nudity--the trifecta!):

Can't drive 4'5"

The Vietnamese Health Ministry has apparently abandoned a plan that would prohibit people who are too short, too light, or who have small chests from driving motorbikes, which would make little sense to me, seeing as how most of the Vietnamese people I know aren't exactly a bunch of chubby, barrel-chested giants:

The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes — as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8) or too thin (less than 88 pounds).

When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts.

Asked for a comment, a police spokesman said, "Damn it, we were really, really looking forward to that."

I can't wait for their Jasper Johns exhibit

If you're in Germany and you're looking for a bit of culture, might I suggest you try the restroom?

A public toilet in Munich which has been transformed into an art museum has attracted hundreds of people in the first days after opening, a spokesman for the city's tourism agency said on Thursday.

Built in 1894, the toilet house was originally constructed to serve nearby households which lacked necessary facilities.

After being in use for over a hundred years, the toilets were locked up in 1992 because they were very rarely used.

"On the night we opened, around 800 people came to see our work," initiator of the museum project, Mathias Koehler told Reuters.

He said that a toilet was a great place for artistic expression because art is a form of relief in the same way that going to the toilet is.

Anybody who knows me and has heard my opinion on modern art would not be surprised to find that I agree with Koehler 100 percent. It's just like going to the toilet.

Today is Rileyween!

Old dirty bastard

The idea that a couple of young women could take advantage of a kindly 82-year-old man just goes to show how much our society has declined, right? Well, not exactly:

The Lexington Herald-Leader reported that police said they were initially concerned that women in their 20s, often seen at the man's home, were taking advantage of him.

Police begin their investigation after the man called the department several times to report missing medication, household items and a television.

But officers soon discovered he gave two women the prescription drug OxyContin in exchange for sex.

*Uh-uh-urp* Sorry, but I just threw up a little in my mouth.

However, I fully stand by my comment about society's decline, seeing as how a horny octogenarian could take advantage of a couple of impressionable young drug addicts like that. For shame.

Ham on the run

There are times when I forget just how big and varied a country this is. But then, when I read about warnings like this, it jogs my memory:

Authorities in a West Virginia county are warning residents not to eat any wayward pigs they find after five medicated swine escaped from an overturned truck.

Frank Chapman of the Putnam County Office of Emergency Services said the pigs still missing after the Oct. 15 crash on Route 34 were "heavily medicated and could pose a health risk if found and slaughtered for their meat," the Charleston (W.Va.) Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

Chapman said he did not know exactly what medications the pigs had been given but antibiotics may have been among them.

"If they've been dosed recently, there could be a health risk," he told the Charleston Gazette. "We were just told by the company that they had been medicated."

I'm just saying that here in suburban Southern California, if a bunch of farm animals escape from an overturned truck, they don't immediately issue a warning telling us not to butcher and eat them.

Wedding day jitters

Lots of people get cold feet on their wedding day, but I'm pretty sure most of them handle the situation a lot better than this guy did:

A Japanese man set fire to the hotel where he was due to get married at the weekend, rather than go through with the ceremony later the same day, newspaper reports said Monday.

Tatsuhiko Kawata, 39, had gone along with wedding plans despite already having a wife, the Yomiuri newspaper said.

"I thought if I set a fire I wouldn't have to go through with the wedding," the Yomiuri quoted him as telling police.

The thought occurs to to me that it may have been a wee bit easier to just tell the gal that you were, you know, already married sometime before the big day. Sure, there probably would have been an ugly scene, but most likely a lot less prison time. Dumbass.

I guess he couldn't find a ride with anyone

When you're on trial for auto theft, it's probably not such a good idea to, well, you can probably guess where I'm going with this...

Police have charged a man with stealing a Lexus SUV he drove to court the day a jury was to decide whether to convict him in a separate auto theft case. The man was arraigned Monday on charges of receiving a stolen vehicle and receiving stolen property after police saw him approach the stolen Lexus in front of the courthouse with its keys in hand.

Police were attracted to the SUV after bystanders noticed several Yorkshire terriers mulling around it.

The man was also charged with animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle.

And he got convicted on the other charge, too. You can chalk that up to bad luck, but I'm pretty sure the guy's problem is actually his deep, deep stupidity.

Waiter, there's an antler in my chow mein

You know, something suspicious might be going on when General Tso's Venison suddenly shows up on the menu at your local Chinese restaurant:

Erie County Health Department officials said they got a tip Friday about a dead deer in the China King restaurant in the town of Hamburg, just south of Buffalo.

An inspector soon arrived and saw the deer being butchered in the kitchen.

State health laws prohibit butchering an animal inside a restaurant.

Officials don't know whether the deer had been killed by a hunter or a vehicle. They said there was no indication the deer meat was served to any customers.

Well, that's a relief, I guess. Unfortunately, however, they were served massive amounts of MSG.

John Oates?

That's who they had sing the national anthem tonight at game five of the World Series. I mean, he sounded good and everything, but I think that may have been the first time he's performed in public since 1989. I guess Art Garfunkel was busy.

It's not the most wonderful time of the year

It's not even Halloween yet, and I just saw my first Christmas commercial. What the hell, people? Can't you at least wait until we throw away the pumpkins?

Criminal masterminds tripped up somehow

It never ceases to amaze me just how stupid a lot of people who commit crimes are. Case in point:

Two people in a group of four who allegedly ate at a North Dakota restaurant and left without paying filled out comment cards with their names.

A 17-year-old girl has been cited as a juvenile for theft, the Bismarck (N.D.) Tribune reported. A 19-year-old woman could face a theft charge.

The group allegedly ran up a bill of $77.64 Wednesday night at a Bismarck Applebee's and then departed, a technique known as "dine and dash."

Why the hell would they have used their real names on the comment cards? Oh, right. Because they're idiots.

The wet dog fallacy

Now, I'm not what you'd call a master debater, but something tells me I'd do better in just about any argument than this guy:

A 36-year-old man took revenge on his roommate after she refused to have sex with him by allegedly urinating on her dog, police said. Police said the man was arrested early Thursday morning on tentative charges of criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct related to domestic violence.

According to police reports, the man was drunk when he argued with the woman. After she resisted his advances the man went to the basement where he urinated on her dog and the floor.

He was drunk? I never would have guessed. Needless to say, his roommate wasn't persuaded.

The internets may be hazardous to your job

When people at work know about your online activities (no, not those online activities—pray to God that they never find out about those) you might want to be careful about what you're writing regarding your personal life:

A British call center says an employee who called in sick was caught playing hooky after a night of drinking, and that he effectively confessed on Facebook.

An e-mail exchange between Kyle Doyle, 21, and a human resources worker at the call center revealed the company denied Doyle's claim of skipping work because he was sick after he posted on his Facebook page that he was staying home because he was "still trashed," The Daily Mail reported Thursday.

Wouldn't it be awesome if he was enough of an idiot to write something disparaging about the human resources worker on his Facebook page after the incident?

An army of Morons

I've heard of individuals, families, and groups of friends having problems in common with the sauce, but an entire army? That's a new one:

India's million-plus army is consuming much more alcohol than permitted, causing huge financial losses to the state and raising suspicions of widespread black marketeering, a report said Thursday.

Among the biggest culprits is the Indian army's most prestigious hospital in New Delhi and a military spy unit attached to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's office, the Midday evening newspaper said.

When contacted by AFP, defence ministry and army sources confirmed there was a serious problem.

Indian soldiers are allowed a certain amount of heavily-subsidised liquor for personal consumption, but the report said the limit was being widely flouted.

It said 43 army units had inflicted a loss of around 100 million rupees (at least two million dollars) on the government over the past 18 months, the paper said.

They suspect that people are smuggling it out to sell it to civillians for twice what it costs soldiers, which is bad enough, but I guess it's better than having your entire army shitfaced a good part of the time.

One thumb down

It's one thing when a criminal leaves behind a small clue like a hair or a fiber from his clothing behind at the scene of the crime, but this is ridiculous:

Police say a 22-year-old man and an accomplice made off with hundreds of dollars in cash in the Oct. 11 raid. According to charging documents, one of the victims took control of the suspect's silver machete and hacked off his right thumb.

About two hours after the robbery, a nine-fingered man went to an emergency room. Police caught up with him and brought the severed thumb to the hospital.

According to an arrest affidavit, a doctor told police the thumb "fits like a puzzle piece."

Leaving behind his thumbprint like that, it was only a matter of time before they caught up with him.

Bork bork bork, glug glug glug

Everybody knows that I'm a fan of the sauce, but damn, these Scandis make me look like a piker:

A Swedish court has returned more than 700 gallons of beer and liquor to a couple who had been accused of smuggling the booze into the country from Germany.

The court tossed the charges against the Pitea, Sweden, couple and ordered the booze be returned after their defense team argued that bringing the alcohol into Sweden from Germany was not a crime because it was marked for personal use, The Local reported Wednesday.

More than 700 gallons of beer and liquor for personal use? You people might have a bit of a drinking problem. Oh, wait, there's more...

The couple said the 711.2 gallons of beer, 7.1 gallons of wine and 1.1 gallons of hard liquor confiscated from their minivan by customs officials had been purchased for their son's approaching 40th birthday party, the wife's 60th birthday party, their daughter's wedding, a friend's 70th birthday party and a New Year's party.

Still, that's almost 144 gallons of booze per party. I would guess these aren't intimate little affairs where four or five people show up for a couple of hours. I would hope not, anyway.

I wonder, how many hundreds of gallons of hooch did they drink to celebrate their acquittal?

Good weed hunting

Seeing as how this happened in Utah, where they frown on stuff like Zima, I'm guessing the target market for all this weed was for export. Well, export or lapsed members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir:

Hunters in central Utah hoping to find some deer this weekend stumbled instead on a marijuana farm worth millions growing in the mountains.

The pot plant collection is the latest of several discovered in Utah in recent weeks, this one estimated to contain several thousand plants, according to KSL-TV.

One hunter described the scene as “quite an operation” complete with a pressurized watering system using a spring from the mountain itself, KSL-TV in Salt Lake City reported.

The hunters also found two men watering the plants, one allegedly armed with a handgun, who police believe were actually living at the site and guarding the operation, the station reported.

When police approached, the suspects “grabbed what they could and took off running” — but eventually Jose Rodriguez and Cesar Duran-Frias and were arrested, Sanpete County Sheriff's Sgt. Greg Peterson told KSL-TV.

Having never been arrested on drug charges, I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure Utah isn't the kind of state where it's ideal to have that happen. Actually, it's not great to get arrested anywhere on drug charges, but Utah probably sucks pretty bad for weed growers.

(thx LK)

On appeal, he can claim his lawyer was incompetent

The saying goes that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. In this case, I think the saying is dead on:

[Joseph] Hallows, 70, son of a former state Supreme Court justice, is representing himself in the trial. On Monday, he testified in his own defense.

In a bizarre scene, Hallows sat in the witness box, chained to the floor, while he asked himself questions and then answered them. He told himself and the jury he is a "very sexual person" but not "obsessed with sex."

Um, Joe, I'm not a lawyer or anything, but testimony like that might not be the best way to defend yourself in a child molestation trial.

Baretender

We all love drinking and we all love nudity, but apparently the two don't mix in one Illinois community:

It's a different take on belly up to the bar. A 24-year-old female bartender in the Mississippi River community of Alton was charged with misdemeanor lewd entertainment after apparently working in the buff. Police arrested the woman last Friday at the Pub Room after someone called to complain.

Authorities said the woman had managed to put on a shirt before officers arrived.

There's no word in the article about the condition of the person who called the police to complain, who I can only assume was later found badly beaten in a dumpster behind the bar.

Friends don't let friends drink and drive and drive

You almost have to feel sorry for a guy who's as big of a dumbass as this guy. Almost, but not quite:

A man has been charged with driving while intoxicated twice in the same day in upstate New York. The first arrest occurred after the man drove to state police headquarters in Millbrook early Sunday to ask for directions. Police said Joseph S. Kelley, of Canton, Mass. had a blood alcohol content of .17 percent, twice New York's legal limit.

After processing, troopers sent Kelley to sleep it off at a hotel. Police said Kelley made the cabbie stop at an ATM to get money for the fare, and ran back to the parking lot and took his SUV.

He was arrested again in a town called Stanford, and this time, they threw his drunk ass in jail.

Now, if you're going to get sauced and get behind the wheel, you're probably not a mental giant to begin with, but who gets drunk and drives to a police station to ask for directions, then gets behind the wheel again when the cops give them a break? Oh, right. A retard.

Sucks to be him

They say that Nature abhors a vacuum, but apparently this guy feels otherwise:

A 29-year-old man was arrested at a car wash in Michigan for allegedly using a vacuum for his sexual pleasure, police say.

Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger alleged the unidentified man was found at a car wash in Saginaw County's Thomas Township "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum," The Saginaw (Mich.) News reported Friday.

To be fair, everyone in Saginaw County knows that particular vacuum is a dirty, dirty whore.

Mother's little helper

When you've had a little too much to drink, but you still need to get home, a designated driver is usually a good idea. The thing is, you should probably pick someone who can reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel at the same time:

An Ontario woman was charged with a traffic violation after having her nine-year-old daughter drive her home following a night of drinking.

"The woman was concerned that she was unable to drive having consumed some alcohol at a social function," police said on Thursday.

I don't think that's quite what they mean when they say "Please drink responsibly."

33 going on 16

Some people (myself included) have dreams sometimes in which they're suddenly back in high school. This kook turned her dreams of returning to high school into a (brief and costly) reality:

A 33-year-old woman accused of stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity.

Wendy Brown faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in a Wisconsin high school as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.

According to a federal complaint, Brown attended one day of classes, practiced with the cheerleading squad and went to a party at the coach's house.

I guess she fit in fairly well, then. According to this account of the case (which features a picture of the erstwhile teenager) the whole thing began to unravel when she couldn't make it to class after being arrested on a separate fraud charge. Now, she's facing some serioous detention. We're talking more than twelve years' worth.

Lost and found

You know what sucks? Losing your wallet. But sometimes, it sucks even more when someone finds it and turns it into the cops:

Police in Masterton, New Zealand, said a woman was charged with possession of marijuana after her lost wallet containing the drug was turned in to officers.

Investigators said the wallet was turned in by a citizen who found it by the side of the road and officers discovered the small tin of marijuana inside while searching for identification, The Dominion Post reported Thursday.

They arrested her when she showed up to claim the wallet. I mean, I guess they would've arrested her anyway, seeing as how her ID was probably in there. But wouldn't it be hilarious if she had, you know, forgotten that the weed was in there until she showed up and they busted her?

Sure, disco sucks...

...but it could help to save your life. Well, one disco song, specifically:

U.S. doctors have found the Bee Gees 1977 disco anthem "Stayin' Alive" provides an ideal beat to follow while performing chest compressions as part of CPR on a heart attack victim.

The American Heart Association calls for chest compressions to be given at a rate of 100 per minute in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). "Stayin' Alive" almost perfectly matches that, with 103 beats per minute.

CPR is a lifesaving technique involving chest compressions alone or with mouth-to-mouth rescue breathing. It is used in emergencies such as cardiac arrest in which a person's breathing or heartbeat has stopped.

CPR can triple survival rates, but some people are reluctant to do it in part because they are unsure about the proper rhythm for chest compressions. But research has shown many people do chest compressions too slowly during CPR.

In a small study headed by Dr. David Matlock of the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, listening to "Stayin' Alive" helped 15 doctors and medical students to perform chest compressions on dummies at the proper speed.

Five weeks after practicing with the music playing, they were asked to perform CPR again on dummies by keeping the song in their minds, and again they kept up a good pace.

The article makes no mention as to whether or not the ballad "How Deep is Your Love?" has any possible medical applications.

Crack attack

A lot of people are tense about rising prices and an economic downturn, and it turns out that crackheads are no exception:

Gus Young Jr. was arrested on charges including criminal mischief and disorderly intoxication after allegedly smashing a DVD case and destroyed a counter partition Tuesday at Dixon's Food Mart, TCPalm.com reported Wednesday.

Police said the manager of the store spotted Young outside the store after officers arrived and the suspect was arrested. The police report states Young smelled of alcohol and was "challenging people to fight."

"When Young calmed down, he said he was upset that the price of a rock (crack cocaine) had gone up to $20 from $10," the report stated. "Young claimed he swung his fist at a drug dealer in the store, but the drug dealer ducked and Young struck the partition and DVD case instead of the drug dealer."

The lesson here? You should wait until you're outside the convenience store to take a swing at a drug dealer. Fighting in an enclosed space like that is a recipe for trouble.

Oh, and you probably shouldn't smoke crack, either. Yeah.

Thou shalt not file frivolous lawsuits

I know that judges have to be technical when they make their rulings, but I think that in this case, something along the lines of "This is a retarded waste of everybody's time" would have sufficed:

A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn't properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Sen. Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Chambers has said he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

On Tuesday, however, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk ruled that under state law a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a lawsuit to move forward.

"Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice," Polk wrote.

Chambers thinks the judge's ruling offers a loophole, claiming that since the court's ruling acknowledges the existence of God, it also somehow acknowledges God's omnipotence, so therefore, God knows about the lawsuit. I don't think logic is exactly his strong suit.

He hasn't decided whether or not he's going to appeal the ruling. Let's pray to God that he doesn't waste any more of the Nebraska court system's time.

Teenagers are stupid

And no, it's not just teenage boys, either, though they probably do the majority of stupid teenage shit. Sometimes, the girls have a common sense FAIL, too:

An Australian activist has warned teenage girls in the country to refrain from writing their phone numbers on their backs while sunbathing.

Girls, ages 14 and 15, have been spotted sunbathing at Sydney beaches with their phone numbers written on their backs in blue zinc cream in what they described as an attempt to meet boys, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday.

Concerned adult Nikki Goldstein said it is dangerous for girls to display their "phone number on the Internet or anywhere that could make them a target."

[...]

One of the sunbathing girls, Lizzy, 15, said the plan she hatched with her friends to meet boys has already backfired in a menacing way.

"An old guy tried to talk to me. He was trying to take pictures of us," she said.

No, you don't say. I mean, here you've put a sign on your back that might as well read "Please, feel free to call my home and breathe heavily into the phone as you masturbate," and you attracted the attention of some creepy old perv? Who could've possibly seen that coming?

The not-so-happy couple

Married couples, so I'm told, are supposed to share things with each other. But there are some things I'm sure people would rather their spouses didn't share with them. Like AIDS, for instance:

Opening statements began Tuesday in a lawsuit that claims a man gave his ex-wife AIDS on their honeymoon.

The couple were identified in court papers only as Bridget B. and John B.

"He engaged in reckless, risky, unprotected sexual conduct with numerous men while he was dating Bridget and through their marriage," argued her attorney, Lars Johnson.

The ex-husband, who is acting as his own attorney, said he did not consider himself a homosexual and argued that the woman gave him HIV.

"I'm an innocent man," he said.

Bridget B. testified Tuesday that she thought her husband was a "regular, down-to-earth nice guy" when she met him at a conference for black professionals in Detroit in 1998.

They married in July 2000 and both were diagnosed with HIV that October. They divorced in October 2003.

Bridget B.'s court papers contend that John B.'s e-mails show that he had a "rampant, high-risk secret (homo)sexual lifestyle" that resulted in his being infected.

I love the whole "he did not consider himself a homosexual" thing. Now, where have I heard that before? (Content Warning on that link.)

Veggie rage

Cops in the Netherlands said that a vegetarian recently went nuts and attacked a vendor because the vendor didn't sell vegetarian food:

The suspect allegedly lost his temper after being told by the shopping mall vendor that no vegetarian spring rolls were available. The vegetarian allegedly struck the victim multiple times in the face and head, Radio Netherlands reported Monday without specifying when the attack occurred.

Police said that since the attacker was a skinny, malnourished, vegetarian twig-boy, the vendor did not suffer any serious injuries.

Okay, I may have inserted that last paragraph myself, but I imagine that it's fairly accurate.

Recipe for disaster

Banquet food usually isn't all that great, but this is ridiculous:

Some 170 wedding banquet guests were rushed to hospital in north China when powdered rust remover was added to the pot instead of salt after they all decided it needed added flavor, Chinese media said.

In a bizarre coincidence, 61 wedding guests were taken to hospital with similar symptoms a day earlier after a duck-and-donkey-meat banquet in northwest China.

In the rust remover case, the bride's proud father invited 170 friends and relatives to the wedding banquet at a village in northern Hebei province on Friday, the night before the nuptials, the Beijing News said.

"All food was stewed in a big pot but after dinner started, all of them felt the taste was too bland," the newspaper said.

Someone added what he or she thought was salt -- several times. An hour later, the guests were being rushed to hospital.

"When I arrived at the hospital, the observation room was packed with people vomiting, with stomach pains and with diarrhea," a doctor was quoted as saying.

The symptoms were short-lived and all the victims were released by the next day.

Now, they're going to have to figure out who the genius was that essentially put poison that looked like salt in the kitchen. Good job!

I don't know what the legal system is like in China, but if something like that happened here, a lot of lawyers would be making a lot of money. And the victims might even get a few bucks, too.

Important political news

In this bitter season of partisan politics, it turns out that there's at least one issue that the candidates can agree on:

McCain, a Republican senator from Arizona, and Obama, a Democratic senator from Illinois, both told their 13-year-old interviewers on "Nick News with Linda Ellerbee: Kids Pick the President," that their favorite childhood Halloween costumes were swashbuckling buccaneers, the Chicago Sun-Times reported Friday.

"When I see the way they behave in the United States Senate, sometimes I wish I (could) put my costume on and take my sword out or my dagger and get 'em back in line," McCain said.

Obama described the pirate costume he wore when he was 3 years old as "one of the best costumes of all time," complete with a pirate sword and a "little mustache."

If that's not the essence of American bipartisanship, I don't know what is—two politicians with fundamental differences crossing the aisle to agree on something stupid and pointless.

The case of the cottontail caper

I'm no expert on armed robbery, but I'm pretty sure it's best not to do it while wearing something quite this conspicuous:

Swedish police said they have arrested two people accused of plotting to rob a currency exchange office while one wore a blue bunny costume.

Authorities said the pair and five alleged assistants were arrested after the two allegedly attempted to rob the targeted office but were foiled by staff members who activated a security door, Swedish News Agency TT reported Thursday.

Witnesses said one of the suspects was dressed in a blue bunny costume and the other was wearing a crash helmet and holding a shotgun. They were both being held on suspicion of armed robbery Wednesday, police said.

If they'd managed to get away, that would have been one hell of an APB. "Be on the lookout for a man in a helmet and a six foot tall blue bunny. Be advised that they are armed and dangerous, and one may be carrying a basket full of brightly colored eggs."

Someone else's home is where you lay your head

If you're going to go out and get hammered and you don't have a designated driver, one way to do the responsible thing and avoid a DUI is to take public transportation home. Thing is, though, you want to make sure you actually, you know, make it back to your home:

Unlike Goldilocks, a man who stumbled into the wrong suburban Washington, D.C., home after drinking too much found the bed there just right.

Bob and Joanne Breiner returned home from a night out to find a man with a white beard nestled in their bed, sound asleep. Once police showed up and the drunken stranger realized what had happened, he apologized profusely and complimented the couple on their comfortable bed.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," Joanne Breiner recalled him saying.

The man accidentally went to the Breiners' house after apparently getting off at a bus stop eight miles from his own home, police said. He entered through the unlocked front door.

The cops came and woke the guy up without incident, the homeowners didn't press charges after finding out that he'd recently lost his job, and they even gave him some food. Awwwwww. Isn't that just the most heartwarming story about a drunken accidental burglary that you've ever heard?

Even so, I'm guessing the Breiners will be locking their doors from now on.

Justice is blind, not blonde

Having never dyed my hair, I don't know much about the subject, but I was under the impression that it wasn't permanent:

A Connecticut judge has given the brush-off to a blonde woman's lawsuit claiming L'Oreal Inc. ruined her social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette with one of its products.

Charlotte Feeney of Stratford says she can never return to her natural blonde hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants.

She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blondes receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time.

Supposedly, this delicate flower whose self-esteem seems to have been entirely (and somewhat unhealthily) tied to the color of her hair, had alleged that she bought a box of L'Oreal blonde hair dye that actually contained brown dye, but was unable to prove it.

Wait a minute. If her hair had a "natural blonde hue," then why did she need blonde hair dye in the first place? And why couldn't she just dye it back? Oh, right. Because she was probably faking all of that bullshit, thinking she'd get a big payday.

Preventing an EUI

Do you enjoy drinking? Of course you do. Do you enjoy the internets? Well, you're here. Now, someone has come up with a way for you to enjoy the two together more responsibly:

A Swiss Google engineer said he has designed an online sobriety test aimed at preventing people from sending e-mail while drunk.

Jon Perlow said the feature, which requires users to solve five simple math questions in 60 seconds, was inspired by his own intoxicated misuse of e-mail, the New York Post reported Wednesday.

"Sometimes, I send messages I shouldn't," Perlow wrote to the newspaper. "Like … the time I sent that late-night e-mail to my ex-girlfriend that we should get back together."

Now, if only they could invent a breathalyzer for your phone...that probably could save us all some embarrassment at one time or another.

Tight pants land women in tight spot

When tight pants are outlawed, only outlaws will have tight pants:

South Sudan's president shut down a police investigation Wednesday that saw scores of young women arrested for "disturbing the peace" by wearing tight trousers.

The women were arrested over the past week by police who said they suspected them of belonging to youth gangs known for drinking, fighting and public nudity.

I could do without the fighting, but the rest of the stuff those gangs are involved in sounds intriguing. Where can I sign up?

But government officials, including the south's gender minister, said they were angry at the way the women had been targeted and treated after arrest.

President Salva Kiir had ordered a "serious investigation" into the police crackdown, said a government minister.

Kiir also ordered the immediate release of any woman arrested under the operation in the south's capital Juba, and said there were questions over its legality, Southern Minister for Presidential Affairs Luka Biong added in a statement.

Well, I'm glad they're free. But I'm even happier that we live in a country where you can't get hassled by the authorities simply based on what kind of pants you're wearing. Oh, wait...

A different kind of pork in Washington

I understand that when you're a public figure in this day and age, you can never be too careful about your security, but this is just crazy:

A suspicious package delivered to U.S. Rep. John Boehner's West Chester, Ohio, office turned out to be raw bacon, the Butler County Bomb Squad said.

Four people inside the office were evacuated Monday as bomb squad officers examined the grease-stained package, WCPO-TV, Cincinnati, reported Tuesday.

I hope they didn't blow up the package, because wasting bacon is a real crime.

Can you blame him?

Most people aren't fans of jury duty, and this guy, while he may not be very bright, appears to be no exception:

Curtis Lemons was supposed to report for jury duty in a drunk driving case. Instead, according to authorities, the 50-year-old Cape Girardeau man skipped the jury duty so he could drink himself.

Lemons received a summons to appear as a prospective juror in the case. When he didn't show up on Monday, a bailiff called his house. Lemons told the bailiff he was too busy to come to court.

Associate Circuit Judge Scott Thomsen instructed officers to bring Lemons to the courthouse. Deputies say they detected a strong odor of alcohol on him. Lemons was held in custody while the DWI trial went on.

While I'd certainly rather hang around at home getting blitzed than show up for jury duty, I hardly think it'd be worth the $250 contempt of court fine the judge slapped him with.

There are better ways to win an argument

Okay, I've read through this story four or five times, and I can't make any sense out of it:

A dog eating a watermelon helped cause a Boston man to repeatedly stab himself to prove to his brother he wasn't afraid of pain, police say.

A police report said the two unidentified brothers got into an argument this week after a dog belonging to one of the men consumed a watermelon owned by his brother, the Boston Herald said Thursday.

Tuesday's argument over the missing watermelon escalated into a shouting match between the siblings that allegedly caused one brother to repeatedly stab himself in order to show he didn't care if he got hurt, police say.

The other one barricaded himself into a room, saying he didn't want to go to jail for stabbing his brother, which, seeing as how he, you know, hadn't stabbed his brother, wasn't really an issue anyway.

The article doesn't say one way or another, but I'm guessing that either a lack of medication or a little too much "medication" was involved in this incident.

Drunken master

Everybody knows that I'm a fan of the hooch, but compared to this guy, I look like a regular Carrie Nation:

The 34-year-old [Stanley] Kobierowski was arrested after driving into a highway message board on Interstate 95. Authorities said he had the highest blood alcohol level ever recorded for anyone in Rhode Island who wasn't dead.

Police said Kobierowski registered a .489, then a .491, breathalyzer tests. The legal limit in Rhode Island is .08.

Wisely, he decided to plead no contest to drunk driving charges, taking a $500 fine, community service, and the loss of his license for a year. I don't think he had much of a case.

Kobierowski's liver was unavailable for comment.

News flash!

Actual Reuters headline: Many workers do not respect their bosses.

Wow. Thanks for clearing that up for us, guys.

Let's go Rays!

Fucking Red Sox. Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh!

LIGHT UP THE HALO!

After getting beaten like a red-headed stepchild in eleven straight postseason games (going back to the 1986 ALCS!) the Angels finally squeaked one out 5-4 against the hated Boston Red Sox tonight. Let's hope they have it in them to win two more.

I got nothin'

My blinding hatred of the Boston Red Sox has rendered me incapable of blogging right now. I'm off to drink heavily.

Game over

Call me insensitive, but I find it oddly comforting to know that America isn't the only country that freaks out and bans things after some whackjob shoots up a school:

An Internet game in which players roam a school and kill kindergarten students with a shotgun has been pulled from a Finnish children's gaming site one week after the country's worst school shooting.

"We have removed pages from our site that are not necessarily appropriate for younger family members," lastenpelit.fi said in a statement on its Web site.

The game, "Kindergarten Killer," can be found widely on the Web.

Matti Saari, 22, last week killed 10 people at a vocational school in Kauhajoki, Finland, in the country's second school shooting in less than a year. Saari prefaced his rampage with boastful video clips on Web sites such as YouTube.

So why didn't they yank YouTube as well?

Look, the game sounds distasteful and it's probably not appropriate for little kids, but I doubt some stupid web-based game caused this guy to go on a shooting rampage.

Guns, booze, and blueballs are a bad combination

Man, if I reacted like this guy every time I got liquored up and was turned down by a woman, I'd have been dead a long time ago:

Jonathon Guabello, 29, was treated for the gunshot wound then booked into the Lee County Jail on charges of threatening violence and firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling, the Fort Myers News-Press reported Thursday.

Guabello's 24-year-old girlfriend said the suspect had been under the influence of Xanax and alcohol when he became enraged at her refusal of his sexual overtures. She said she took her dog with her into a spare bedroom and she heard two gunshots several minutes later.

The girlfriend said Guabello told her he would kill her if she dialed 911, then stumbled into the kitchen where he was knocked unconscious when he tripped and hit his head on the oven door.

You've gotta love the real-life slapstick comedy. Unless you're Jonathon or his girlfriend. They probably took the whole thing pretty seriously.

Sack lunch

Looking for something new and different in the kitchen? A bold, new flavor? Well, there's a horrifying new cookbook coming out tomorrow that could give you some recipe ideas:

Squeamish men look away now: a Serbian chef is bringing out Thursday a no-holds-barred guide to cuisine with a twist: "The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls."

Hailed as the world's first testicle recipe collection by e-book publishers YUDU, the cookbook includes author Ljubomir Erovic's favourite dishes, like testicle pizza, battered testicles and and barbecued testicles and giblets.

The e-book, available for download from the Internet, comes with handy video guides showing the Serb peeling the skin off testicles and slicing them up into bite-size chunks.

Wow. That doesn't sound at all disturbing.

Several different animals, including stallions, ostriches, bulls, pigs and turkeys, get the Erovic treatment.

"Wash testicles thoroughly for 30-45 minutes," begins the recipe for testicles pie.

"Once softened, mince them in a mincer."

A "very sharp knife" is needed for traditional style testicles, which get boiled, cut up and deep fried in hot oil.

Erovic, 45, may be self-taught in the art of testicle cuisine but his 20 years of "cooking with balls" make him a world authority in the field.

Gee, his mom and dad must be so proud!

"The tastiest testicles in my opinion probably come from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favourites," he said.

"All testicles can be eaten -- except human, of course."

If you were expecting some kind of dirty joke here, well, normally, you'd be right. But I'm kind of tired right now, and I don't feel like putting in the effort. That, and all I could think of was something about "The San Francisco Treat," and I just don't need a hate crime charge right now.

Feel the burn

Some genius in Wisconsin just proved that the formula for comedy gold includes one part stupidity, one part gasoline, and a little fire:

Police said a man was arrested after he used a cigarette lighter while trying to siphon gasoline from a van. The man, who was visiting friends, went to drive home early Saturday but realized that he didn't have enough gas in his SUV.

Police said the man tried to siphon the gas with help from another woman, but he couldn't see how much gas was in the container, so he used the lighter to check.

A blast of fire burned his hands and caused nearby residents to call police.

Insult was then literally added to injury when the cops found the two of them in a nearby parking lot and arrested him. If real life had a soundtrack, I'm pretty sure that some version of this would have been playing in the background throughout the course of the incident.