Better late than never

There are some books, like War and Peace, that take a long time to read, but this is ridiculous:

A Finnish library-goer apparently thought 'better late than never' and quietly returned a book on loan for more than 100 years to a library in Vantaa, in southern Finland.

The library had long since lost track of the loan but welcomed back to its collections the bound copy of a 1902 volume of Vartija, an active religious monthly periodical at the time.

"We are unclear when exactly it was borrowed and who returned it. There weren't any documents with it," librarian Minna Saastamoinen told Reuters.

"There is an old note attached to the book which says there is a fine of 10 pennies a week for late returns," she added.

Sure, that sounds like chump change, but when you consider inflation and interest, they could probably use the late fees to fund the entire Finnish library system for the next decade or so.

A really big date

If you're single and you're convinced that's due to the fact that you've put on a few pounds, well, that may not be the case. I mean, if this guy is dating...

When Manuel Uribe went out on a date, he made all the necessary arrangements: a forklift to carry him out of the house and a flatbed tow truck big enough to haul the formerly half-ton man and his bed to a party.

But even the open road wasn't big enough to handle Uribe's dream of celebrating a budding romance and his success in losing about 440 pounds.

Uribe was halfway to a picnic near his Monterrey-area home on Sunday when one of the posts holding a sun-shielding tarp over his bed hit an overpass.

Uribe's blood pressure dropped so much his doctors advised him not to go on and the celebration — being documented by about two dozen photographers and reporters from around the world — was canceled.

"We were going to celebrate that I've been losing weight for two years and that it was my girlfriend's birthday," Uribe said in a telephone interview. "The saddest part was that I couldn't fulfill my dream of taking my girlfriend out to eat."

Well, I guess he is in better shape than he was a couple of years ago, when he started a new high-protein diet. So maybe slimming down is the key to meeting that special someone, after all.

I miss beer

After valiantly struggling into some shoes, I went to meet some friends at a bar last night. The beer—real beer—looked so very, very good. But I had lemonade. Doctor's orders, you know.

I actually got up for a rare Saturday morning breakfast today, more because I had to have food to take my pills than for any other reason. Just an English muffin and some juice. I made a tuna salad sandwich for lunch, which I ate with some carrots and Pringles. I'm really looking forward to dinner tonight, though—BBQ pork ribs! Ah, the other white meat.

Getting better all the time

I went to see my regular doctor today, and he said my foot was looking okay. I have to agree. It's still a little swollen and tender, but it's not nearly as red as it was earlier this week. The steroids I've been taking have been doing a good job on the inflammation, and I'm drilling 95 mph fastballs out over the fence in left-center with the greatest of ease. Okay, so I made that last part up. Different kind of steroids.

I couldn't complain too much about the food today, either. Had a three-cheese omelet with rye toast for breakfast, a Twice Grilled Burrito form El Pollo Loco for lunch, and thin-crust Pizza Margherita with salad for dinner.

Tanked

Getting behind the wheel of your car after you've had a snootful is dangerous enough, but this is ridiculous:

A Russian tank crashed through a villager's house after the crew stopped to buy more vodka at a nearby shop.

Footage from a mobile phone camera showed the tank hitting a corner of the house and a laughing, and apparently drunk, driver awkwardly trying to clamber aboard with two bottles of vodka.

"Get him out of the tank," screamed a woman in the village in the Urals.

The army promised Friday to pay compensation and said the tank must have been broken and fallen behind a column heading to a test site for exercises. Earlier it said the vehicle slid on melting ice.

Let me guess...they slid right into a liquor store parking lot. Or maybe the Russian version of AAA brings vodka along when they come to fix your broken-down tank.

A steady diet of...somewhat better food

I started out the day with a bowl of Cheerios, which wasn't any great shakes, but I added some fresh-sliced strawberries, so, hey. Not bacon, but tasty, nonetheless. But still not bacon. I can't stress that enough.

A grilled cheese sandwich with some little kosher dill pickles on the side for lunch, which is something I like, but note the lack of meat. It's like I'm turning into some kind of goddamn hippie, here. Oh, and I made a pitcher of iced tea, since I did a little research and found out that sweetened soft drinks place you at higher risk for gout. Guess what I've been drinking with lunch for as long as I can remember? Damnit.

For dinner, finally the sweet, sweet taste of an animal's suffering. Sautéed chicken thighs, potato gnocchi with cheese in a light tomato sauce, and salad. Not a bad meal, really. And I washed it all down with pills and water.

I've got another non-alcoholic beer waiting for me in the fridge. I can't hardly wait.

The scenic route

I'm pertty sure this sort of thing is the reason why, here in America at least, they make someone from the dealership go along with you:

An Australian who took a new car on a 3,200 km (1,988 mile) six-day test drive from the city to the outback has been arrested, police said on Thursday.

The 30-year-old convinced a car dealer in the southeastern city of Melbourne to lend him a A$40,000 ($37,000) Honda Accord sedan last Friday and drove the equivalent of London to Istanbul before he was arrested near the town of Tennant Creek, deep in the outback of the Northern Territory.

"He drove from Melbourne to Adelaide to Alice Springs," Tennant Creek police Constable James Gray-Spence told Reuters.

He said the man was arrested without incident at a road block on his way north to Darwin after he failed to pay for fuel at a hamlet.

[...]

Melbourne car yard owner Ian McKenzie said the man would have had to have been in the car all day, every day to reach Tennant Creek.

"He seemed a legitimate gentleman. He stood at the desk right in front of a camera. He wasn't afraid of being photographed or videoed," McKenzie told the Herald Sun newspaper.

Well, he probably figured that nobody would recognize him, you know, two-friggin'-thousand miles away.

For some reason, the article doesn't mention whether or not the guy was satisfied with the car. Maybe needed another few thousand miles to decide.

Arrest that corpse!

Something tells me that this ordinance is going to be a bit tricky to enforce:

The mayor of a village in southwest France has threatened residents with severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the overcrowded cemetery to bury them.

In an ordinance posted in the council offices, Mayor Gerard Lalanne told the 260 residents of the village of Sarpourenx that "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish."

It added: "Offenders will be severely punished."

Uh, Mayor Lalanne, I think I've detected a slight flaw in your plan. Unless it involves some sort of pipeline to St. Peter, or a curse that will turn "offenders" into zombie slaves.

Come to think of it, that might be kind of cool.

A steady diet of blah

Toaster waffles for breakfast (no sausage or bacon, damnit), chicken soup for lunch, and fish with rice and salad for dinner. Along with a bunch of pills.

Oh, and I have a non-alcoholic beer to look forward to, later. Yay.

At least I got to take the huge wad of bandages off my foot, which is looking and feeling a little better.

Update: That's funny. I've never felt like throwing things at the teevee during commercials for Wienerschnitzel chili dogs before.

(Confused about this post? See here.)

Just a drunk a drunk of burning love

I can't think of many places where it's appropriate too show up drunk and dressed like Elvis, but court sure as hell isn't one of them:

A central Kentucky judge had a suspicious mind when an Elvis Presley impersonator showed up for court apparently drunk and sporting sunglasses and a rhinestone-studded shirt with a scarf draped around his neck.

County Attorney Brian Goettl said that as a result, the judge had David Blaisdell, 64, tested for intoxication and sentenced him to three days in jail for contempt of court when it was determined that the man's blood-alcohol level was nearly twice that at which a person in Kentucky is considered legally drunk.

The article goes on to say that he told the judge that he'd had "a few drinks the night before," by which I guess he meant "several jugs of moonshine."

So, how was your evening?

I hope it was better than mine. You see, I hurt my right foot somehow the other day (or so I thought—keep reading), and the joint of my big toe started to swell up. I started icing it, but that didn't really seem to help. I've been limping around for days now, unable to even put on a shoe. I tried to make an appointment with my doctor, but the scheduling desk said he wouldn't have an opening until the 19th. Great. Anyway, my mom saw how red and swollen it was this afternoon and basically ordered me to go to the emergency room.

So I struggled into a pair of flip-flops and drove over there, where I got to sit around for more than an hour before I even got shown to a room. Good thing I took a nice, thick book, huh? Once I got into the room—which was freezing cold, of course—I got to sit there for another eternity or so. The doctor finally showed up, asked me some questions, looked at my foot, and decided he was going to slice it open to check for an abscess. He didn't find one. No, instead, he thinks I have...gout. Which meshes nicely with my curmudgeonly outlook on life and my disdain for the music the kids are listening to these days.

That's bad enough, but until it clears up I have to cut red meat, nitrates (hot dogs, sausage, etc.), and booze out of my diet. I might as well just not get up in the morning. Ugh. Well, hopefully I won't be as gimpy by this time next week.

Savor the whales

Anybody who knows me could tell you that I'm all about green living, reducing my carbon footprint, and all that bullshit. So, in the interest of saving Mother Earth, I may have to start eating whale:

Eat a whale and save the planet, a Norwegian pro-whaling lobby said on Monday of a study showing that harpooning the giant mammals is less damaging to the climate than farming livestock.

Environmental group Greenpeace dismissed the survey, saying almost every kind of food was more climate friendly than meat.

The survey, focused on whale boats' fuel use, showed that a kilo (2.2 lbs) of whale meat represented just 1.9 kilo (4.2 lbs) of greenhouse gases against 15.8 for beef, 6.4 for pork and 4.6 for chicken.

"Basically it turns out that the best thing you can do for the planet is to eat whale meat compared to other types of meat," said Rune Froevik of the High North Alliance, which represents the interests of coastal communities in the Arctic.

"Greenhouse gas emissions caused by one meal of beef are the equivalent of eight meals of whale meat," the study said.

Well, I'd really like to do my part by tucking into a delicious whale steak, but it turns out whale meat is hard to get around here, since the only people who are allowed to practice whaling in the U.S. are some Eskimos and an Indian tribe up in Washington.

The blame for this environmentally irresponsible policy rests squarely on the shoulders of George W. Bush and his Big Oil cronies. Probably.

Birthday brawl

I always loved birthday parties when I was a kid. Pizza, games, cake, and friends. But there was always something missing. What was it? Ah, yes, the fisticuffs:

Two battling Boston moms face the next round in court after police say they turned on each other at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant.

The fight allegedly broke out at the Natick pizza-and-play eatery during a child’s birthday party, police said.

Natick police said the mom of the 9-year-old birthday boy apparently became enraged because the other woman’s son was "hogging" an arcade game Saturday night.

Sgt. Paul Thompson said 38-year-old Catherine Aliaga and 33-year-old Tarsha Williams, both of Boston, would be summoned into court to answer charges of simple assault and battery stemming from the scuffle.

[...]

A company spokesman tells the Herald the two moms "exchanged words" Saturday night at 6:45 while two children were playing an arcade game and then "punches were thrown."

Last I knew, Chuck E. Cheese's didn't serve alcohol, so I don't think they can use that as an excuse. Unless they brought flasks or something, but I really can't see two such obviously classy dames doing something like that.

Lessons not learned

You're going to love this one, especially once you read the final paragraph of the article:

Justin John Boudin, 27, pleaded guilty Friday to fifth-degree assault in Ramsey County District Court and can expect to face a sentence for time served in jail, at least 120 days, and probation when he is sentenced May 5, the county attorney's office said.

According to a criminal complaint, Boudin was waiting at a bus stop on Aug. 29 when he accosted a 59-year-old woman and others.

"Why don't you show me some respect?" he allegedly yelled at the woman.

When she took out a cell phone to call police, he hit her in the face, according to the complaint. When a 63-year-old man tried to stop Boudin, Boudin hit him with a blue folder — which fell on the ground — and fled.

Police tracked him down through the folder, which included Boudin's anger management homework and his name, the complaint said.

That should probably earn him a failing grade in his anger management class. I hope so, anyway.

That must be one awful job

We've all had days when we dreaded getting up to go to work, and maybe came up with an excuse not to come in, but dude, this is pretty drastic:

Sheriff's detectives in Franklin County said a man had his friend shoot him in the shoulder so he wouldn't have to go to work.

When he first spoke with deputies, Daniel Kuch, of Pasco, told them he'd been the victim of a drive-by shooting while he was out jogging Thursday. But detectives told KONA radio that Kuch later acknowledged that he asked his friend to shoot him so he could get some time off work and avoid an upcoming drug test.

The friend, Kurtis Johnson, of Burbank, has been arrested for investigation of reckless endangerment. Kuch was booked into the county jail and is expected to be charged with false reporting.

Well, I guess this means that he'll still be able to avoid work for a while. Every cloud really does have a silver lining!

"An ignoble birth"

I understand that pregnant women can't always make it to the hospital, but daaaaaaaamn:

A newborn baby girl survived an ignoble birth after slipping down the toilet bowl of a moving Indian train onto the tracks when a pregnant woman unexpectedly gave birth while relieving herself on Tuesday.

"My delivery was so sudden," said the Bhuri Kalbi, the mother of the infant, born two months prematurely. "I did not even realize that my child had slipped from the hole in the toilet."

Kalbi, a 33-year-old woman from a village in Rajasthan, fainted on the toilet seat after the birth for a few minutes before waking up and alerting her family.

"They stopped the train and ran on the tracks to find the baby," she said, speaking from her hospital bed in the western city of Ahmedabad.

They found the baby on the tracks, uninjured, and since she was born prematurely, she's resting in intensive care at a hospital. A hospital where, hopefully, they've given her a good bath, since toilets on Indian trains are described in the article as "filthy chutes emptying directly onto the tracks." Lovely.

A creature of habit

I thought the thing about criminals returning to the scene of the crime was just a cliche, but this guy has proved me wrong:

Police said the same man tried to rob the same bank, wearing the same clothes and telling employees the same thing on Tuesday as he did two weeks ago. The outcome was not the same.

Two weeks ago, the robber got away with cash from the Sovereign Bank branch. On his second attempt, tellers refused to give him money and he took off empty-handed.

Police and bank employees said it was the same guy. The robber said he had a gun and demanded money both times.

You know, bank robber guy, there's probably another bank somewhere within a few miles of that one, and they might not recognize you there. And you probably could have bought a change of clothes (or even a fake mustache!) with the money you got the last time. Do something to get out of that rut.

Mother Nature hates me

That seems to be a good explanation for why, on the one day of the year that I have to wear a dark suit and tie and stand around outside quite a bit, it suddenly becomes unseasonably warm.

Asploding toilets!

Is it just me, or did I see this happen in a cartoon some time ago?

An employee of an Auburn nursing home called firefighters for help on Tuesday because the toilets were exploding with steam. The fire department said there was a boiler malfunction at Regency Auburn Rehabilitation Center that caused a minor explosion.

The blast set off the sprinkler system and flooded the floors of the three-story building.

The Valley Regional Fire Authority said no one was hurt, but water damaged electrical systems and the kitchen.

Well, I'm glad nobody got hurt, but I can't help but think it would be funny to see someone sitting on a toilet getting blown up into the air by a steam explosion.

No working girls in the workplace

I don't care where you work—even at a casino—this is a really bad idea.

A judge has denied an Iowa man's claim that he shouldn't have been fired for repeatedly requesting help to procure a prostitute.

Neil Jorgensen, 62, of Kalona, worked at Riverside Casino and Golf Resort in Riverside and was given a gift certificate and free night's stay at the casino hotel to mark a year's employment.

After eating and drinking at a casino restaurant, he returned to his hotel room about midnight and later called hotel managers about hiring a prostitute. When managers refused to help him, he made a call to the adjacent resort and made the same request.

"The advertisement is that it's just like Las Vegas, so I thought I was in Las Vegas," Jorgensen testified at a hearing regarding his request for unemployment benefits.

I take it he doesn't know that prostitution is illegal in Vegas. I guess even the stuff that doesn't happen in Vegas stays there, too.

Hotel workers were sent to Jorgensen's room to ask him to stop demanding prostitutes. When they arrived at his room, Jorgensen answered the door in the nude, human resources director Tim Donovan said.

Jorgensen was fired the next day.

At the hearing, Jorgensen said his actions didn't hurt the casino, and he said he'd received strong performance reviews. He also blamed the restaurant for serving him too much alcohol.

Yeah, see, the problem with that argument is that restaurants don't usually serve you alcoholic beverages unless you order them. And unfortunately for Mr. Jorgensen, the judge seems to have noticed that flaw, too, since he turned down his request for unemployment benefits.

Lawnmower man

There are many ways to die, and while few of them seem pleasant, some are much, much worse than others. Like, for instance, this one:

A Buddhist monk from Japan was killed after slipping and falling under the blades of his runaway tractor lawnmower, an inquest into his death has found.

The Reverend Seiji Handa, 50, was cutting the grass around his peace pagoda in the English city of Milton Keynes when the accident occurred last August.

He got out of the tractor to inspect something but the vehicle, which was pulling a multi-bladed grass cutting machine, slipped its handbrake.

The coroner's office in Milton Keynes, northwest of London, said it had recorded a verdict of accidental death.

I would hope it was an accident. That seems like an awful, awful, horribly painful way to kill yourself.

At least it's a good restaurant

So, a local Italian restaurant which, if my memory serves me, we went to for my birthday last year, sent me a coupon for a free dinner next month. For my birthday. Which is cool, but I don't think I made the reservation, I have no idea how they'd have my address, and I don't know how they know my birthday is next month.

You see, even though we ate there for my birthday dinner, I made sure nobody in my immediate family told them it was a birthday dinner. Because I absolutely hate having a bunch of waiters sing the restaurant's own stupid birthday song ("Happy Birthday" isn't a public domain song. Did you know that? They actually have to pay royalties, apparently.) and present me with some crappy free dessert with a candle wedged into it. Ugh.

So, apparently, these people know my name, address, and when I celebrate my birthday. Without my having told them any of that stuff. Can my Social Security and Driver's License information be far behind?

I guess I should probably cancel my credit cards. But, hey, free dinner! Yay!

What not to wear

I don't know what kind of reaction this guy thought he was going to get while wearing his...er...costume, but, apparently, he didn't look good while wearing it.

A Japanese man was arrested for trespassing this week after turning up at a high school dressed in a girl's uniform and a long wig, local police said.

Thirty-nine-year-old Tetsunori Nanpei told police he had bought the uniform over the Internet and put it on to take a stroll near the school in Saitama, north of Tokyo, on Wednesday, the daily Asahi Shimbun said.

When students standing outside the gates started to scream at the sight of him, he dashed inside the school grounds, hoping to blend in with the crowds of teenagers, the paper said.

They also screamed, forcing the man to flee, losing his wig in the process. A school clerk pursued him and stopped him at a nearby riverbank, the paper said.

Dude, you're a thirty-nine-year-old man wearing a schoolgirl costume. I don't think you'd blend in anywhere. Well, nowhere I'd want to be, anyway.

Update: Perhaps I spoke too soon about the guy not blending in anywhere, but I'll reiterate my point about not wanting to be there. Seriously.

Criminally stupid

Man, this is the kind of stupidity that, for me, makes life worth living:

Authorities say a man drove a stolen car to the Anderson County Sheriff's Office to demand the return of nearly $2,000 officers seized from him during a drug arrest last June.

Deputies said after they told Charles Chambers, 36, to leave Tuesday afternoon, an officer noticed he got into a car that matched the description of a vehicle stolen about three hours earlier.

Another officer pulled the man over and told him to stop the car. The officer said Chambers stuck a screwdriver in the ignition to shut it off because the vehicle's key switch had been removed.

If you think that the cops are going to give back your drug money, you're an idiot. But when you drive a freshly-stolen car turned on and off with a screwdriver right up to the Sheriff's Office, you might want to get yourself checked out by a neurologist. I wish I could make this stuff up.

Finally, I'm a winner!

Yay! See here, then here.

I don't think I actually get a prize or anything, but hey, my mother will be so proud.

Money for nothing

You know, if I was a rich guy with a big account at Commerce Bank, I'd be thinking about moving my funds elsewhere right about now.

A man was charged with withdrawing $2 million from an account after a bank confused him with a man who has the same name. Benjamin Lovell was arraigned Tuesday on grand larceny charges. The 48-year-old salesman said he tried to tell officials at Commerce Bank in December that he did not have a $5 million account.

Lovell said he was told it was his and he could withdraw the money.

Prosecutors said the bank — which advertises itself as America's Most Convenient Bank — confused Lovell with a Benjamin Lovell who works for a property management company.

The lesser-funded Lovell gave away some of the withdrawn money and blew some of it on gifts, but lost much of it on bad investments, prosecutors said.

Dude, if you know you don't have millions of dollars in the bank, but they tell you that you do, someone's made a serious mistake. And if you take that money, there are probably going to be some negative consequences down the road.

Dumbass.

Oh, and if you work at a bank, and one of your customers tells you they're pretty sure they don't have millions of dollars in their account, it's a pretty safe bet that they don't.

Dumbass.

Fight for your right to (Communist) party

China isn't a country known for its freedoms, but now some brave souls are fighting for the right to get liquored up at lunch:

Liquor makers in central China's Henan province are planning a legal challenge to fight a ban on Communist Party officials and civil servants drinking alcohol at lunch during work days, state media said on Wednesday.

The ban, introduced in January last year, has led to more than 100 local cadres being reprimanded for ignoring it, the official Xinhua news said.

Local restaurants are complaining they have taken a hit in terms of fewer lunch customers and lower revenues from not selling as much alcohol, the report said.

Damn, just how much booze were these people ordering every day? If the restaurants are taking that big a hit from people not boozing it up at lunchtime, maybe the alcohol ban wasn't such a bad idea after all.

No, really?

Wait a minute, you're telling me that college students were growing weed?

Students in a University of Michigan biology project had been assigned to grow herbs, vegetables, annuals and perennials. Police are trying to find out whether someone's green thumb also was being used to grow pot.

The Ann Arbor News reports 11 small green plants believed to be marijuana were seized from a greenhouse in the school's Matthaei Botanical Gardens in Ann Arbor Township, near its main Ann Arbor campus.

Police say a school employee found the plants Monday on a table while monitoring the research project.

You're not supposed to grow it out in the open like that, where someone can find it and narc on you. No, you grow it hydroponically under high-powered lights in a mylar-lined closet in your apartment. Or so I've been told. Yeah.

Crash course

You know, when you have a car accident, you're supposed to stop and exchange information with the person you ran into. And, no, being really drunk is no excuse for leaving the scene, especially after your second accident in three minutes:

A Kewaskum man could face multiple criminal charges after authorities said he caused two alcohol-related crashes in three minutes. The crashes occurred about 6:30 p.m. Saturday in the Town of Lyndon, said Lt. Mark Rupnik of the Sheboygan County Sheriff's Department.

The 43-year-old man first ran a stop sign while turning onto a highway and struck a pickup truck, Rupnik said.

Three minutes later he was turning onto another highway when he hit a sport utility vehicle, the sheriff's department said. This time the man was stopped and arrested by responding officers.

That was probably a very good thing. Unless you had money on whether or not he could break the record for most drunk driving accidents in five minutes, or something. But why would you do a jackass thing like that? Grow up, already.

Illegal aliens in love

Love blooms in unlikely places sometimes. Like, say, in the not normally very romantic city of Tijuana:

Nearly 600 Mexican couples tied the knot in a mass Valentine's Day wedding by the U.S. border on Thursday, many of them undocumented migrants who met while working illegally in the United States.

As a live band blasted out sugary Mexican love songs in the border city of Tijuana, a short walk from the busy San Ysidro crossing into California, a judge simultaneously married a crowd of couples whose ages ranged from 16 to 65.

More than three-quarters were migrants returning from, or trying to get into, the United States.

"Isn't she gorgeous? I love her!" said Inocencio Felix of his new wife Angelica Perez, 36, dressed in a flouncy white wedding gown. Perez was deported by U.S. immigration officials two weeks ago from the state of Oregon, where the couple met.

Felix, also living in the United States illegally, said he came back to the Mexican border city of Tijuana, across from San Diego, voluntarily for the mass open-air wedding.

"We're going to go back to the United States soon, our life is there," he said, holding a heart-shaped pink balloon.

Uh, Señor Felix, are you sure it's a good idea to tell the world that you and the missus will be sneaking back into the U.S. illegally sometime in the near future?

Mexico's civil registry office began the mass weddings several years ago with migrants in mind, and has seen the number of couples attending surge as deportation rates grow.

Hey, who said getting deported was necessarily a bad thing? I mean, look at me, a legal citizen who's never been kicked out of the country, and yet, still single.

Kodiak moments

People who live in Alaska have to deal with challenges that the rest of us don't face on a regular basis. There's the cold, the wild animals, the proximity to Hosers. And, apparently, they get sprayed with strange substances by angry drunks:

A man faces assault charges after allegedly spraying bar patrons twice with bear spray. Kodiak police charged Daniel Pement after the incidents Saturday and Sunday at the B&B Bar.

Police said Pement was escorted from the bar on Saturday, but returned 15 minutes later and allegedly sprayed customers. Police talked to him later and took the bear spray, but were called away on a more urgent matter.

On Sunday, police were called to the bar again after Pement allegedly sprayed patrons with another can of bear spray.

I'm confused. Is bear spray something that bears spray on stuff to mark their territory or attract mates? Or is it something you use to repel bears? Because if it's the latter, it sounds like he was doing them a favor.

London Frog

Children's cartoons don't always strive for accuracy, but this one sure hit the nail on the head:

Zut alors! The popular British cartoon and television series "Mr. Men" has come up with a malodorous Mr. Rude who speaks with a bad French accent.

"Pardon me," says Mr. Rude in comedy Franglais as he breaks wind when his finger is pulled on a game played on the television show's website www.mrmen.com.

"Ohhh, don't seem so surpriiised," Mr Rude exclaims when loud noises and a noxious-looking gas erupt from his behind. "I'll geeve you rude," he tells children as he blows a raspberry in a promotion for the new series which will run on British television on February 25.

The French embassy in London declined to comment to Reuters on whether the coarse Mr. Men character, the only one on the show with a foreign accent, would offend.

But a source at the embassy told Britain's Daily Telegraph newspaper that this kind of humor won't go any distance toward easing a centuries-old rivalry between the two nations.

"It is obviously meant in a light-hearted way, but it won't improve Anglo-French relations," the source said.

A spokeswoman for Channel Five, which is airing the show, said the Mr. Rude character was just a bit of fun that is not meant to offend France or the more than 300,000 French citizens who live and work in Britain.

"Mr. Men is a comedy show for four to seven year olds. The fact that Mr. Rude has a French accent is meant to be light-hearted and tongue-in-cheek and no offence is intended," she said.

Now, why would the frogs get offended by a character who's essentially a rude, stinky Frenchman? Oh, right. I suppose it could be worse. They could give him a little white flag to wave whenever a German-accented character appears on screen.

Bombed mom

I hear pregnant women can get really moody. It's usually the hormones, they say. But sometimes it's because they're mean drunks:

A woman who is seven months pregnant is accused of smashing a beer bottle against a bartender's head after she was refused another drink. Police said Keisharra Abercrombie, 30, assaulted the female bartender on Saturday after being told she shouldn't be drinking alcohol.

Police say Abercrombie also smashed a glass over the bartender's ear and head.

Authorities said the bartender's ear was partially detached. A surgeon in Pittsburgh used two staples and 28 stitches to reattach the top of the ear.

Boy, that kid of hers sure has a bright future, huh? Assuming it makes it out of the womb alive, that is.

The internet is a sordid place

You know, you really can buy just about anything online these days. And if you're not careful, you might just get a little something extra:

A woman in Germany who became pregnant after an online sex auction has won a court battle to force the Web site that hosted the sale to reveal the names of the winners, so she can find out who's the father.

Six different men won Internet auctions to have sex with the woman in April and May last year. They were only known to her by their online names, a spokesman for a court in the southwestern city of Stuttgart said Wednesday.

"The woman wanted to discover which one of the men had made her pregnant," the spokesman said. "So she needed their contact details. Of course, if they're not willing to go along with the gene test, she'll have to take them to court."

Um, I'm sorry, but how is she sure that one of those six is responsible for knocking her up? The woman is, after all, a whore. Literally. I guess it's possible that she only banged those six guys at that time of the year. And if it turns out that it was one of them, hey man, money well spent, huh? Get ready to spend some more. A lot more.

Drug money

Man, I hate it when I make a mistake on a deposit at the bank, but I've never made a mistake as bad as the one this woman made:

Credit unions accept deposits — just not of methamphetamine. A woman who allegedly dropped an envelope containing money and a bag of meth at a Kitsap Credit Union was arrested and charged with drug possession, according to court documents.

A bank employee reported the deposit to police, who contacted the 18-year-old customer.

Yeah, I bet they did. And it probably wasn't to tell her to come pick up her bag of meth at the lost and found, either.

Dim bulb causes bulbs to dim

Apparently, since the Chinese have been buying large quantities of the metal, copper wire is a hot target for thieves. In this case, the wire was very, very hot:

Police in central England are hunting for a badly scorched would-be copper power cable thief after finding a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000 volt power cable Saturday night.

The thief, who also left a lit blow torch at the scene, is expected to be badly charred, spiky haired and not exactly the brightest bulb in the socket.

"The sheer stupidity of cutting through power cables should be glaringly obvious to everyone," said Phil Wilson, customer operations manager with local power company Central Networks.

"At the very least putting the hacksaw through the cable would have created an almighty bang and the line would have burned for quite a few seconds, showering them with molten copper... We can only assume they left in a great hurry or they were injured and were dragged away by an accomplice." But searches of local hospitals have so far not found the culprit, a spokeswoman for Derbyshire Police said Tuesday.

Right about now, I'm sure you're expecting me to make a joke about how it was a "shocking experience" for the thief, but that's a joke a hack would write and a moron would giggle at. You and I both know that we're better than that. Shame on you.*

*In other words, no, I can't think of a way to end this without using that stupid pun. God, I suck.

The perfect gift for the guy who has everything

If you forget to buy that special someone a Valentine's day present, don't worry. Starting next week, you'll be able to get them their very own Formula One race car. And, conveniently, you can pick it up on the way home from the airport:

Passengers passing through Zurich airport can add a Formula One car to their usual duty-free shopping this month.

A selection of cars and memorabilia owned by Peter Sauber, whose Swiss-based team were taken over by BMW at the end of 2005, will be auctioned off at the airport over a six-week period from February 19.

"This is the first time Formula One racing cars will be up for sale at Zurich Airport," said Patrick Graf, head of marketing retail for the company that holds the government concession to operate the airport, in a statement.

Really? You mean they don't usually sell race cars at the Zurich Airport? How quaint.

Oh, and by the way, the cars will set you back to the tune of at least seventy three grand. If you have that kind of change just jingling in your pocket, why not?

House of horrors

Ordinarily, an apartment crammed full to the ceiling with rotting trash and buckets full of shit would be bad enough, but apparently, there was something even worse inside:

A dried and decomposing body was found in a bathtub filled with dirt in a Phoenix apartment that was stacked to the ceiling with garbage and human waste.

Owners of the small, standalone unit thought it had been abandoned in August, when they stopped receiving rent payments, Phoenix police Sgt. Joel Tranter said Monday.

Tranter said the owners didn't decide to do anything about the filthy apartment until last week, when they paid other tenants in the complex to clean it out.

He said the cleaners began by removing garbage and boxes and buckets filled with human waste.

When they made their way to the bathroom Friday, they found the bathtub covered with plywood, a sheet, and plastic, and filled with dirt. When they started shoveling the dirt out, they found the leg of a body and called police, Tranter said.

He described the body as part skeleton and partly mummified, and that it had been there at least several years.

"Very unusual, very bizarre," Tranter said. "This guy was literally buried in the bathtub."

Yeah, that's definitely something you don't see every day. At least, I would certainly hope not.

That sounds...unpleasant

Dude, no matter how good you think you look dressed like this, you really should keep it to yourself. Or maybe a few like-minded individuals:

The Cumberland County Sheriff's Office is looking for a man with a mustache who is pulling in front of female drivers and then jumping out of his vehicle while wearing women's underwear, a garter belt and black high-heel boots.

Since last spring, there have been six reports about the cross-dressing motorist. The most recent incident was last Sunday. The episodes have occurred in the Standish-Buxton area.

Sheriff Mark Dion said that while the man's behavior may not be criminal in terms of dress, the fact that he's jumping out in roadways and apparently targeting women who are alone is cause for concern.

Yeah, especially if you're a female motorist in the Standish-Buxton area of Maine. Me, I'm not really concerned at all, being male and on the other side of the country and all.

Congratulations to Ace

He won the Blogger Moron of the Year Award at CPAC. You can read about his uncomfortable speech (which, apparently was televised on CSPAN) here.

Oh, and check out the pot calling the kettle a nutjob.

Make money from (someone else's) home

If there's a lesson to be learned from this, it's probably that counterfeiting is best done in your own home.

A man was arrested for allegedly breaking into a home and trying to use the computer there to make counterfeit money.

Charles Chase Nobles, 28, was booked Tuesday into the Natchitoches Parish Detention Center on one count each of counterfeiting, unauthorized entry of an inhabited dwelling and probation violation, according to a press release from Natchitoches Parish Sheriff Victor Jones Jr.

Goldonna Police Chief Kenneth Martin and Natchitoches sheriff's deputies made the arrest after getting a call at about 1 p.m. Tuesday from a citizen who reported seeing a suspicious vehicle parked in woods behind a Goldonna residence.

I wonder what made him think that particular residence had a computer capable of creating counterfeit money. How do you case a joint for that?

(Via Fark.)

Trapped in the closet

Selling a house can be difficult for all kinds of reasons. Ugly carpet, bad landscaping, or, maybe, something a whole lot worse:

An estate agent who took a prospective buyer to view a house in central England found the owner hanging dead in a closet, the agency said Thursday.

It was the first viewing of the 350,000-pound ($700,000) house which had been on the market for a week. The owner was hanging from a belt inside a walk-in closet in the main bedroom.

"It was quite a shock," said a spokesman for estate agents Hartleys. "Our agent quickly ushered everyone out, locked the property and called the authorities."

Yeah, that's gonna be a tough sell right there. "The previous owner? Oh, he...uh...."

No takebacks

When you're filling out forms at the hospital, it's generally a good idea to pay attention to what you're doing. Case in point:

The Minnesota Court of Appeals has ruled that a mother who didn't like the way her baby's circumcision looked cannot sue a Fridley hospital for medical malpractice.

Dawn Nelson sued Unity Hospital and Dr. Steven Berestka, claiming the doctor removed "the most erogenous tissue" after the boy was born on Jan. 21, 2000 — without consulting either parent. Nelson and the boy's father, David Nelson, were unhappy with the result.

But the Appeals Court noted in its Tuesday decision that the mother indicated on a prenatal form that the baby should be circumcised.

Attorney Zenas Baer, who is representing the mother and son, said he was disappointed with the court ruling.

He said federal regulations say there has to be a signed informed consent form before any surgery — and he argued that a checked-off box on a form regarding circumcision is beside the point, saying "isn't the mom allowed to change her mind?"

Um, no, in that situation, not really. That's the kind of thing you really can't change your mind about.

Oh, and that attorney, Baer? Well...

According to Baer's Web site, he "contributes substantial amounts of time to ending the barbaric practice of routine infant male circumcision worldwide, insuring genital integrity for all citizens of the world."

Uhhhhh...okay.

Picture this

Now, why would you do a thing like this when you know your phone number would show up along with it?

A 21-year-old German man has been convicted of sending a photograph of his penis to an unknown woman via mobile phone, authorities said on Wednesday.

"We all had a bit of a laugh when we saw the thing," said Christian Kropp, presiding judge at the court in the eastern town of Sondershausen.

That's probably not the kind of reaction he was looking for when he sent the picture.

The woman reported the sender to police after receiving the photo attachment of the man's genitals, the court said. Officers found evidence he may have sent similar images to other women.

And yet, this sounds like the first time anybody called the police on him. Maybe most German women enjoy getting pictures of tiny penises sent to them by random strangers.

Priorities

To be fair, I really hate it when I get home to find that my beer is all shaken up, too.

Police have arrested a motorist they say had a 24-pack of beer strapped in with a seat belt but had a 16-month-old girl unrestrained in the back seat with the toddler's mother.

Tina D. Williams was pulled over in St. Augustine on Sunday for allegedly running a red light.

A 24-pack of Busch beer was strapped in with the passenger-side seat belt, according to an arrest report. The girl was in the back seat with 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, who is the toddler's mother.

Williams, 46, said she didn't know why the child wasn't restrained.

Williams refused to take a breath test and a deputy found two metal pipes commonly used to smoke drugs in her purse, authorities said.

Williams was charged with driving under the influence, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving without a license, a jail official said. She remained in the St. Johns County jail Tuesday after bail was set at $31,000.

Yeah, but at least she was spared the embarrassment of getting sprayed in the face with beer foam or having it drip on the floor. Really dodged a bullet there, she did.

So...

...anything interesting happen today? Oh, yeah, right.

Not that anybody cares, but I voted for Romney in the primary here today. Which doesn't look like it did a whole lot of good. So, uh, yay McCain. Yeah. I guess.

Update: See the comments for some additional discussion. If you even care at this point, that is.

Grandma's (crack) house

Normally, a visit to Grandma's house is a nice, pleasant experience, possibly including candy or delicious baked goods. But that's probably not true when your Grandma is dealing coke:

Broward County authorities said a grandmother was arrested for hiding cocaine in her bra during a drug raid in Oakland Park. Eight others were also arrested Friday at or near the home of Henrietta Corvin Daise, 62. Many of them were her grandchildren.

[...]

The Broward County Sheriff's Office said deputies conducted a search warrant on her home and found Daise with powder cocaine stuffed in her bra. Deputies also found 20 crack cocaine rocks, four grams of powder cocaine, marijuana and $1,000 in cash.

The eight face various charges including possession and intent to sell cocaine within 1,000 feet of a church, probation violations and marijuana possession.

Man, spending time together as a family just ain't what it used to be, is it?

Loco motion

Ah, it looks like Mexican cops have a whole new system for collecting bribes set up:

Motorists in northern Mexico who are caught dabbing on lipstick, shaving or carrying a pet at the wheel will now face hefty fines as authorities try to cut down on traffic accidents.

Putting on make-up or shaving with an electric razor will land drivers fines of up to 346 pesos ($32) in the northern Mexican city of Torreon from this month, Mexican media reported on Saturday.

I realize this is pretty much a third world country we're talking about, but thirty two bucks is a "hefty" fine there?

City halls across Mexico are stiffening traffic laws as motorists in Mexico regularly ignore stop lights, drive drunk or with children in the front seat, and carry passengers in the back of pick-up trucks. Fatal accidents are common.

Remind me to stay off the streets of Mexico. My luck is usually pretty bad as it is, but when you throw in a bunch of drunk drivers who don't pay attention to traffic signals, that's just asking for trouble.

Weird tales of the Sitemeter VI

Someone showed up here after searching for "hemaphrodite canine," apparently. I don't think I want to know what that's all about.

What could possibly go wrong?

They say it pays to advertise, but I guess that sort of depends on just what it is that you're trying to sell:

If you're looking to sell high-grade marijuana, Craigslist may not be the place to do it. A man learned that the hard way when the "buyer" who contacted him turned out to be an undercover officer, Stamford police said.

Police said Steven Zahorsky, 24, posted an ad for "Mary Jane in Fairfield County." The ad offered a half-ounce of "A plus" marijuana for $220 and the same amount of "B plus" marijuana for $160.

Stamford Lt. Jon Fontneau said officers spotted the ad and responded, claiming to be a painting crew interested in buying drugs during a work break.

Zahorsky allegedly agreed to sell three-quarters of an ounce of marijuana at an Interstate 95 rest stop, Fontneau said.

Police said they arrived Wednesday afternoon and called Zahorsky's cell phone. He answered and agreed to meet at the rest stop McDonald's in 15 minutes.

Zahorsky allegedly stopped at the undercover officer's car and took $320 in cash in exchange for the marijuana, police said.

When Stamford and Darien officers arrested Zahorsky, he claimed he was at the McDonald's to eat and had no idea why police were arresting him, Fontneau said.

He said police found $320 on Zahorsky and the undercover officer's number on his cell phone.

That's probably why they were arresting you there, Steve.

Now, selling weed on Craigslist, where anybody could find out about it may be an extremely stupid idea, but to be fair, when he decided to tell the world that he had weed for sale online, he was probably really, really high.

I'm pretty sure that's a sin

You know, if you've absolutely got to look at online porn, this is probably the last place you should be doing so:

A civilian State Police employee was accused of sneaking into a church to look at pornography on a nun's computer. Police arrested Thomas G. Findler Wednesday and charged him with burglary and theft.

Authorities said Findler had been sneaking into Grace St. Paul Episcopal Church in the night over the last three weeks to look at pornography.

Wednesday morning, a church custodian found Findler, who worships at the church, on a nun's computer.

The custodian chased him out, right into a police officer who happened to be nearby.

You'd think that of all people, a nun would have software that would block porn sites, but I guess not. Anyway, that's beside the point. My question is, did he break into the church because he was afraid of being caught looking at porn by someone at home, or did he do it for...an extra thrill?

Just a gigolo

Women have complained for, well, probably forever about how rich, older men ditch their wives for sexy, vapid, and young "trophy wives" who, in turn, get to sponge off of them. Well, guess what, ladies? Now you, too can have just such a soulless experience!

Wanted: rich older women interested in hot younger guys. Applicants must be over 35, earn at least $500,000 a year or have a minimum of $4 million in liquid assets, entrusted assets or divorce settlement.

That's the basis of a speed-dating event organized by a New York entrepreneur bringing together 20 "sugar mamas" and 20 "boy toys" vetted by an elite New York matchmaker.

"Symbiosis has allowed ugly rich men to attract young, gorgeous, money-hungry women for centuries; it's now the women's turn," proclaims pocketchangenyc.com, the Web site that Jeremy Abelson is using to promote the event.

Set to take place at Manhattan's 230 Fifth club on February 7, it has attracted more than just wealthy divorcees. Nancy Richards, 50, is the owner of a marketing firm and a theater producer in New York and London.

"Is it truly what I am looking for? No. Is it an option? Why not? In New York City anything goes," Richards said with a laugh.

Speed-dating pairs up prospective couples for face-to-face meetings that last just a few minutes. The partners rotate over the course of the evening, allowing participants to make the acquaintance of many potential partners.

"I find younger guys will usually be totally into you while older guys will be looking over your shoulder at a younger woman," said Gail Garrison, 44, a fashion designer and former model.

"Younger men expect an older woman to be more accomplished. They are looking for you because you are intelligent. They are not looking for a mother," she said.

No, they're not looking for a mother. But they're not looking for you for your mind, either, lady. They're looking for the easy life, where they get to spend your money in return for having sex with you and looking good on your arm at dinner parties and other social functions. It's called being a kept man, and it's probably a pretty sweet deal if you don't mind essentially prostituting yourself. And, apparently, that's not a problem for the more than 5,000 men who applied for the event.

But, hey, if that's what you're looking for, ladies, go for it!

Bargain bike

This kid just learned a valuable lesson about the usefulness of bike locks:

If it's on the floor at the Goodwill store in Salem, it's for sale. So when Cody Young parked his bicycle in the wrong place, it got sold. Not only that, the bike that cost $232 four years ago went for $6.99. "That was just insulting," the seventh-grader said.

Young said he and friends went to the store on Sunday to look at speakers. He didn't have a lock, but his friends told him they'd previously parked inside the store. He left it near other bikes that were for sale. While they were shopping, his black BMX bike was sold.

Okay, so parking your bike inside the Goodwill might not be such a good idea. But parking it near other bikes that the store is trying to sell? That's genius.

Goodwill officials said they were looking into the sale. They said they were unable to identify the bike's purchaser.

"We will make every effort to do the right thing," spokesman Bob Barsocchini said, "and we will throw in a bike lock."

That ought to come in handy. If he's smart enough to use it, anyway.

Oh, and according to a subsequent article, he'll be getting it back, and the buyer will get a $100 Goodwill gift certificate for being a good sport.

Fly very casual

If the one thing that's always been missing from your life is the ability to get nude with a bunch of strangers on an airplane, I have good news for you:

German nudists will be able to start their holidays early by stripping off on the plane if they take up a new offer from an eastern German travel firm.

Travel agency OssiUrlaub.de said it would start taking bookings from Friday for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom, planned for July 5 and costing 499 euros ($735).

"It's expensive, I know," managing director Enrico Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's because the plane's very small. There's no real reason why a flight in which one flies naked should be more expensive than any other."

The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking, said Hess. The crew will remain clothed throughout the flight for safety reasons.

"I wish I could say we thought of it ourselves but the idea came from a customer," Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's an unusual gap in the market."

[...]

"I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that," he added. "We're a perfectly normal holiday company."

Except for the fact that you're going on a trip with a bunch of bare-ass strangers. Other than that, yeah, sounds perfectly normal.

"Dr. Horror"

The story of people in U.S. cities being drugged and having their kidneys stolen may just be an urban legend, but something similar really is going on in India:

The uncovering of an illegal kidney transplant racket in a booming IT city has gripped India, with reports hundreds of poor laborers may have been duped or forced into donating organs to wealthy clients, including foreigners.

Hundreds of people from across northern India had their kidneys removed at a private house, which had a state-of-the-art operating theatre hidden inside, after being lured to Gurgaon, a city of hi-tech companies just outside New Delhi.

"We suspect around 400 or 500 kidney transplants were done by these doctors over the last nine years," Mohinder Lal, Gurgaon's police chief, told the Hindustan Times.

Several people have been arrested, including some doctors, police said.

The case, one of the largest transplant rackets reported in India in recent years, has dominated the country's headlines and sparked calls for the government to tighten regulation of kidney transplants to stop backstreet operations as global demand rises.

"Dr Horror" was how India's Mail Today described the ringleader of the racket in a front-page headline on Monday.

The doctor accused of heading the group may have fled the country, according to police, quoted as saying he appeared to have been tipped off. As many as 50 medical officials may have been involved in the racket.

At least five foreigners -- two U.S. and three Greek citizens -- were found in a luxury guesthouse operated by the doctor running the racket, Lal was quoted as saying by local media.

Police said they have since been allowed to leave India.

Many victims complained they were taken to the house with promises of a job, and then duped or forced at gunpoint to sell their kidneys.

Laborers, many who gathered every day in parts of Gurgaon to look for any kind of job, were offered around 50,000 rupees ($1,250) for their kidneys. They were sold to wealthy clients for 10 times as much.

"I was approached by a stranger for a job. When I accepted, I was taken to a room with gunmen," Mohammed Salim told NDTV television.

"They tested my blood, gave me an injection and I lost consciousness. When I woke up, I had pain in my lower abdomen and I was told that my kidney had been removed."

Suspicious neighbors said they had noticed blood running out of the house's gutters, as well as blood-soaked bandages and even bits of flesh thrown into an open plot near the house.

I can see how stuff like that would lead neighbors to be suspicious. Whenever I see blood running out of a neighbor's house, I start thinking that maybe, just maybe something hinky is going on.

Is it just me, or does it sound like they were noticing stuff like that for a while before, you know, calling the cops?

MUI

When you're stuck at home in a snowstorm, out of booze, and your wife has the car, how are you going to get your hands on more hooch? This guy found the answer in his yard:

A man was charged with drunken driving after going through two bottles of wine, cutting through a snowstorm on his lawn mower and riding down the center of the street to reach a liquor store, authorities said.

Police found Frank Kozumplik, 49, homeward bound on a John Deere tractor Saturday night, toting four bottles of wine in a paper bag, officials said.

He told officers that his wife had taken their car to work, and that the mower was the only way he could reach the store, two miles from home.

Apparently, the authorities in Michigan frown on people driving their lawnmowers down the street with a blood alcohol level two and a half times the legal limit. Which is good to know.

Japan is a strange country

Want to see something...unusual? If you answered yes to that question and aren't bothered too much by things that are probably NSFW, then click here.

And no, I don't know how even begin to explain that.

A family affair

Usually, it's a nice thing when three generations of family can get together and enjoy activities together. This time, not so much.

A grandmother, her daughter and some of her grandchildren tried to steal $900 worth of merchandise from a Target store in Lodi, 35 miles south of Sacramento, police Officer Misty Smith said.

The family's alleged shoplifting spree earlier this week was captured by surveillance video, which police say showed them cutting open boxes and hiding MP3 players, digital cameras, DVDs, jewelry and sports equipment in purses, bags and a backpack.

An 8-year-old and a 5-year-old were among the family members detained.

"The 5-year-old actually had a pack of gum. A small item but we could see where her life was heading because she thinks more than likely this is a normal way of life, this is what you do," said Dale Eubanks of the Lodi police.

Linda Robinson, 59, and her 36-year-old daughter, Anna Fernandez, were charged Wednesday with burglary, grand theft, vandalism and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. They were released from jail. If convicted, each could face eight years in prison.

Fernandez's teenage sons, 17 and 14, were arrested on suspicion of grand theft and will face charges in juvenille court, authorities said. Another teen not related to the family also was arrested.

It's bad enough that you're teaching your children to steal, but do you have to get the rest of the neighborhood kids in on the act? Real classy there, gals.

Where'd that come from?

I was out in front of my house, smoking a cigarette late this afternoon, when I noticed what looked like a familiar shape on the grass. And sure enough, when I picked it up, it was a pot leaf. Makes me wonder if maybe one of my neighbors has an interesting gardening project going on in their back yard.

At the movies

Meatspace buddy Andy and I went to see Cloverfield tonight. I thought it was a pretty good movie, he was disappointed. He also felt kind of nauseous because of the hand-held camera action, which wasn't a problem for me.

I don't want to give away too much, but if you're looking for a traditional story that wraps up with a tidy explanation of everything that happened, you'll be disappointed. My main worry was that they were going to cheat you out of a good look at the creature, but you get to see it several times. You don't get to know the characters that well, but that's understandable, given the way it's structured.

All in all, I think it's an interesting take on the giant monster/disaster movie, where, as one reviewer noted (I forget where), you see the action from the perspective of the crowds you normally just see fleeing in the background while the heroic scientists and military people try to figured out how to beat the creature menacing the city.

I'd recommend it, especially if you like movies with giant monsters rampaging through major cities.

Driving while indecent

You know, I've been to Illinois in the winter, and I've got to say that I'd think it would be too cold to do this kind of thing:

Word that a man was caught driving in the buff through town has Mayor Marion Presley hustling to get the real skinny out about the Illinois community: West Frankfort is not a nudist colony.

Police arrested Justin Flora, 34, of Marion, Ill., on Monday and charged him with two counts of public indecency after several female motorists reported him driving without a stitch of clothing.

Police Chief Jeff Tharp says Flora said he just liked to drive unencumbered to check out the ladies.

You know, I like to "check out the ladies," too, but I keep my clothes on while doing so. Trust me, everybody's happier that way.

Lifestyle choices

Get a load of the intolerance shown by this prudish bus driver toward a...well...

A British bus company has apologized to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus.

Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the "pet" of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.

Pictures showed her dressed in black Gothic-style clothing with silver buckles on a silver chain -- which the driver of a bus from the firm Arriva took exception to.

She told the Daily Mail newspaper Wednesday she was thrown off and told: "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."

Arriva would not comment on specifics but said it apologized if the couple felt they had been discriminated against. It added, however, that the driver was worried about safety and the company told Maltby to take the leash off in the future.

"We have spoken to the driver who has talked about health and safety," a spokesman said. "Should she be attached to a chain and something happens on the bus, that could be dangerous. All we are saying is that she is very welcome to use the buses but not when she is on her lead."

That's an OUTRAGE! Who are they to tell her she can't, uh, do whatever it is that she's doing there? The fascists. Yeah. Fascists.

Oh, and this little detail kind of jumped out at me:

Maltby -- who lives on state benefits and got engaged in November -- said her choice of lifestyle might seem unusual but was harmless.

It goes on to quote her as saying that she leads "a really easy life," never does much of anything useful, and that she doesn't go anywhere without her fiance. I can see how that might make it a little difficult to find gainful employment.

Do not want

You know, even if they decide to lift this ban, I think I'll probably still pass:

Scotland is considering lobbying the United States to lift a ban on haggis, hoping to boost sales of the sheep-stomach-based national dish.

The U.S. banned imports of Scottish haggis after Britain's outbreak of mad cow disease, which is linked to the human brain illness Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

Scotland's government insist its haggis -- which usually contains the heart, liver and lungs wrapped inside a sheep's stomach lining -- is safe and wants the ban lifted.

"The Scottish government will consider engaging the U.S. government on its haggis import ban ... It is safe or we wouldn't eat it here," said a spokeswoman. "We think there is a large market for it amongst expatriate Scots there."

She cited growing sales of tartans and the prevalence of Scottish clubs as evidence that Americans were taking greater interest in their Scottish heritage.

Um, I hate to break this to you, spokeslady, but there's a big difference between buying something plaid and eating that. I don't really see it becoming the next American taste sensation.

Um, that's what the bathroom's for

Man, this guy is either really sick in the head or just has a really sick sense of humor:

Repeated discoveries of human feces in clothing and other items left in an apartment building's basement laundry room led to charges Thursday against a 19-year-old man.

Authorities said Ronnie A. Ballard was arrested after a woman whose laundry had been soiled chased him back to his apartment in an adjoining building.

Residents also reported finding feces in shoes and boots in an apartment hallway and in washing machines where it soiled a comforter, baby clothes and other items that had to be thrown out.

Ballard was charged with three counts of disorderly conduct, three counts of criminal damage to property and one count of bail jumping. Court records showed he also is facing charges of lewd and lascivious behavior in Waukesha and Lincoln counties.

I hope they get him a psych evaluation, too. Because pooping in people's shoes just ain't something a guy who's got all his marbles does.

You might be surprised to learn...

...that Martin Luther King Jr. is, apparently, alive and well in Atlanta. Well, sort of:

Martin Luther King Jr. is used to the puzzled looks he gets from people when they learn his name.

The white, long-haired graphics designer and children's book author goes by "Marty" to maintain his anonymity in the suburbs of Atlanta, where the man who made the moniker famous once lived.

His name is just a coincidence, but it made Marty King pay attention to the civil rights movement while growing up in a small Tennessee town during the 1960s.

"In East Tennessee, he may not have had a lot of fans, but there were some people who agreed with him," he said. "I liked his speeches. ... He was only asking for what he was due, but the way he did it commanded respect. He earned my parents' respect."

Marty King, 53, was named for his father, who was named for the German monk and theologian Martin Luther, founder of the Protestant Reformation in the early 1500s.

It's not the only famous name in his family. Marty King's grandfather was named Abraham Lincoln.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's got a cousin named Malcolm X and an aunt named Rosa Parks. That sort of thing seems to run in the family.

A million little pieces

I've never understood why some people feel the need to videotape their crimes. Especially not when it's something this awful:

A 19-year-old Chinese student recorded the killing and dismembering of her married lover by her boyfriend, local media said on Friday.

The second-year student in the southwestern province of Yunnan, her boyfriend and another male accomplice had all been arrested after the killing last month, the Southern Metropolis Daily said.

[...]

The girl, who was from a struggling family in the capital Beijing and met the victim as a nightclub hostess, filmed as he was killed and his body was cut into "hundreds of pieces," the newspaper said."

"The dismembering was both out of hatred and aimed at making the body unrecognisable," the report said.

And this guy was her "lover"? I'd hate to see what she does to her enemies.

That's mighty big of them

It's always a good thing when someone steps up and offers to pay you for damaging your property without a lot of legal wrangling. Especially when they shoot a rocket into your house:

Russia's military Thursday offered compensation to a homeowner after a small rocket veered off course and hit his country house outside Moscow.

Russian Internet chatrooms were buzzing late Wednesday after local news agencies reported that "an unidentified flying object dropped two bombs near Moscow."

A defense ministry official told Reuters two rockets had gone astray during a military exercise near Moscow Wednesday afternoon. One hit the roof of an unoccupied house 3.5 km (2.2 miles) away.

"The damage is estimated at 60,000 rubles ($2,466). It will be compensated for in two days," said Yevgeny Konashenkov, spokesman for Russian land troops. "The owner of the house treats the incident with understanding. He has no legal claims."

Yeah, well, he really shouldn't have to take them to court. After all, the army is pretty clearly at fault here, seeing as how they're probably the only group of people mucking around the outskirts of Moscow with rocket launchers. At least I would hope so.

I do. I do. I do.

I know a lot of women out there want to meet Mr. Right and have a fairytale wedding, but I'm pretty sure you're only supposed to have one at a time:

Stacie Warren wasn't satisfied with one husband, so police say she married again and again. Warren, 33, was cited last week on a second charge of bigamy for having three husbands. State police said Warren married Frank Gray last year while she already was married to two other men.

Vermont State Police Trooper Callie Field said Warren married a third time two months after being charged with bigamy in 2007. In that case, both Warren and her second husband were charged with bigamy because the man also was already married to someone else, police said.

Warren apparently married one man, then moved out, and married another without getting divorced, Field said. He said prescription drug abuse may be a factor in the case.

Does that mean she took so many pills that she forgot she was married? Or is there some prescription medication out there for which bigamy is a side effect?

Can't sleep, clown will eat me

In some of the least shocking news of the last few decades, kids apparently find clowns creepy:

Bad news for Coco and Blinko -- children don't like clowns and even older kids are scared of them.

The news that will no doubt have clowns shedding tears was revealed in a poll of youngsters by researchers from the University of Sheffield who were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards.

The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.

Now, I think most American teenagers outgrow their fear of these garishly painted and dressed goons, sliding into more of a feeling of contempt for them, but these are British kids the article is talking about, so maybe it's a cultural thing.

You'd better be damn well ready for some football!

Ah, football, the game that brings out the best in people:

Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

Mathew Kowald was cited for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident with his son at their home in Pardeeville, Lt. Wayne Smith of the Columbia County Sheriff's Department said. Pardeeville is about 30 miles north of Madison.

The 36-year-old Kowald was arrested Monday after his wife told authorities about the incident. Kowald was taken to the county jail and held until Wednesday, when he pleaded no contest, paid a fine of $186 and was released.

Kowald's wife filed a restraining order Wednesday, so Kowald will not be able to have contact with his family, Smith said. Smith said other domestic issues have surfaced, though he wouldn't elaborate.

I'm going to go ahead and guess that the man has some pretty serious anger management issues. I'm frankly surprised that he was only charged with disorderly conduct. Sounds like child abuse, if you ask me.

Your brain is a snob

Oh, great. According to a bunch of eggheads, our brains trick us into liking stuff just because it's expensive:

The more wine costs, the more people enjoy it, regardless of how it tastes, a study by California researchers has found.

Researchers at the Stanford Graduate School of Business and the California Institute of Technology found that because people expect wines that cost more to be of higher quality, they trick themselves into believing the wines provide a more pleasurable experience than less expensive ones.

Their study, published on Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, says that expectations of quality trigger activity in the medial orbitofrontal cortex, the part of the brain that registers pleasure. This happens even though the part of our brain that interprets taste is not affected.

While many studies have looked at how marketing affects behavior, this is the first to show that it has a direct effect on the brain.

The researchers said that when 20 adult test subjects sampled the same wine at different prices, they reported experiencing pleasure at significantly greater levels when told the wine cost more. At the same time, the part of the brain responsible for pleasure showed significant activity.

"We have known for a long time that people's perceptions are affected by marketing, but now we know that the brain itself is modulated by price," said Baba Shiv, an associate professor at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, and one of the authors of the study.

"Marketers are now going to think twice about reducing the price," Shiv said.

I don't know about that. While people like stuff that's expensive, in my experience, they also enjoy getting discounts. After all, what's better than an expensive bottle of wine? An expensive bottle of wine for half price, that's what.

Anyway, I'm not sure I believe the results, seeing as how this study was conducted at a low-quality institution like Stanfurd. (Go Bears!)

Ouch!

This criminal learned the value of a good holster the hard way:

Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the groin as he was robbing a convenience store. A clerk told police a man carrying a semiautomatic handgun entered the Village Pantry Tuesday morning demanding cash and a pack of cigarettes.

The clerk put the cash in a bag and as she turned to get the cigarettes, she heard the gun discharge.

Police say surveillance video shows the man shooting himself as he placed the gun in the waistband of his pants. The clerk wasn't injured.

A short time later, police found Derrick Kosch, 25, at a home with a gunshot wound to his right testicle and lower left leg.

Now, I don't know what kind of pants this guy was wearing, but if they had pockets, why not try putting the gun in one of them? Seems like a much better idea than pointing it directly at your balls. Oh well, hindsight is, as they say, 20/20.

Party of five...hundred

Why do I suspect that a MySpace or Facebook page was involved in this debacle?

An Australian teenager who threw a wild party while his parents were away could face a hefty fine after police said Monday they might charge him for the cost of breaking the gathering up.

More than 500 people turned up to the party Saturday in the southern city of Melbourne, and some of them went on a rampage when police responded to complaints about the noise.

Police cars were pelted with glass bottles and nearby houses and gardens were vandalized before at least 30 officers, a helicopter and the dog squad were able to end the melee at the suburban home. No one was arrested.

The party guests caused $18,000 in damage (I don't know if that's Australian or U.S. money), and the police are considering holding the kid responsible for that.

"He needs to learn a lesson, and one way or another we will be making sure that happens,"[Victoria State Police Commissioner Christine] Nixon told reporters at a news conference.

Sounds like the little punk's sure to straighten up and fly right. Right?

The 16-year-old told local media he had no regrets about the party because he believed invited guests had no role in the ruckus. Asked if he would do it again, the youth said he would do it again this weekend — if his parents were not due home from a vacation this week.

Huh. Maybe not.

Spitfire

Drinking and smoking aren't good for you, but drinking certain things while you're smoking can be really bad for you:

A German man in the northeastern town of Gross Godems was being treated for serious burns Monday after accidentally setting his apartment ablaze when he mixed up a bottle of gasoline with alcohol, police said.

The 56-year-old apparently grabbed the wrong bottle and took a swig from the gasoline flask, then spat it out when he realized his mistake.

The gas hit a lit cigarette, sparking the fire, police said.

Which begs the question: why would you keep a bottle full of gasoline with your booze inside an apartment? More than that, why would a smoker keep a bottle of gasoline anywhere in their home?

Dumbass.

Sins of a Father

I'm not a Catholic, but even I know that Priests aren't supposed to be doing this kind of thing:

A man claiming to be a Catholic priest was arrested Friday at Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport after he was caught carrying 7.7 pounds of cocaine under his robes, a spokesman for Dutch border police said.

The suspect, whose identity was being traced, initially refused to undergo a routine body check "for religious reasons," spokesman Robert van Kapel said.

He said the man was then spotted lining up at a different entrance gate. He was searched and the drugs were found in packages taped to his body.

"We've seen a lot of things, baseballs filled with cocaine, wine bottles, plaster casts, but this is a first," Van Kapel said.

He said the man, who was traveling from Bolivia, continued to insist he is a priest and did not confess any wrongdoing, arguing his rights had been violated by the search.

Not surprisingly, the authorities didn't agree with Father Cokesmuggler, who's set to see an Earthly judge sometime soon.

Did you ever notice...

...that in just about every watch ad you see in magazines, the hands are set to read approximately 10:10? Go ahead and check. See?

I forget where, but I read somewhere that ad agencies determined that watches set to that time appeared to be "smiling," thus making them more appealing to us suckers potential timepiece buyers.

Me, I'm guessing this is some sort of UN, IRS, Trilateral Commission, Bilderberg, Skull and Bones, Illuminati, and/or Bohemian Grove conspiracy to get us to spend our "New Money" on watches so that the "International Bankers" can track which jewelers (get it?) we take those watches to in order to get the metal bands adjusted. For some sort of database. Of wrist sizes.

What? Does that sound any crazier than newsletters that were supposedly sent out by a certain Congressman Running For President who denies writing, reading, or even knowing who was employed in producing said newsletters bearing his name for decades?

Think about it, sheeple. Do you want the New World Order to know how thick your wrists are?

The year of living disgustingly

There's a thin line between being utterly devoted to someone and being crazy. This woman crossed that line about a year ago:

A 66-year-old Austrian woman lived for almost a year with the corpse of her 85-year-old partner, APA news agency said Wednesday.

Police found the remains of the man in the couple's small vacation cottage in the eastern village of St Andrae am Zicksee Tuesday, swaddled in blankets with the dwelling reeking of decomposition odors.

The woman had told a local doctor and neighbors who tried to contact the man since last March that he was abroad. APA said police were looking into whether the woman concealed his death in order to collect his pension payments.

The dearly departed must have had a really good pension plan, since living with a rotting corpse for a year doesn't seem worth it for a couple hundred bucks a month.

Although the aforementioned craziness probably helped, too.

Madam is Adam

Okay, this one is pretty strange:

A 33-year-old Czech woman managed to spend several months posing as a 13-year-old boy named "Adam," fooling teachers and child care workers in Norway, police said Thursday.
more stories like this

Barbora Skrlova was deported back to the Czech Republic and detained on Wednesday, Czech police spokeswoman Andrea Prochazkova said. Authorities said she was undergoing psychiatric evaluation.

A woman who supplied a Czech passport enrolled "Adam" at the Marienlyst school near Oslo in September. However, authorities say it actually was the 5-foot-2 Skrlova, her breasts bound and head shaved.

"We did react to Adam's behavior. But it's not easy to know. Children at that age can be so different," school principal Ingjerd Eriksen told the Oslo newspaper Dagbladet.

Czech authorities are now looking into whether Skrlova should be charged with identity theft and misleading authorities, police said.

It apparently was not the first time Skrlova had fooled authorities by posing as a child, which in Norway offered her food and shelter. Czech police say she posed as a 13-year-old girl adopted by a woman in the Czech city of Brno.

That woman in Brno is now suspected of abusing of her two younger biological sons, and Skrlova is key witness in the case. Facing an investigation, Skrlova left with friends for Denmark and ended up in Norway.

"Not even we have been able to figure out what is up and down in this case," Norwegian police attorney Sven T. Roer said.

Seems pretty straightforward to me. She's some kind of weirdo who apparently enjoys pretending to be a teenage boy. And is, apparently, somewhat successful at it, having done it at least twice.

Relationship problems

Perhaps unsurprisingly, this couple is splitting up:

A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper Wednesday.

I bet she was a little surprised to see him there, too. After all, that's not the kind of establishment you want your husband to frequent.

Something you don't see every day

I was outside my house this afternoon, having a smoke, when a fifty-ish woman drove by with her windows rolled down, blasting really loud, bass-heavy gangsta rap on her car stereo.

Weird.

A foolproof plan

I don't understand what these two morons thought was going to happen once they got their "friend" to the check-cashing store...

Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said.

David J. Dalaia and James O'Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron's body from the Manhattan apartment that O'Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police.

"The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side," Browne said.

The men left Cintron's body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store's clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O'Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said.

A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron's body, and "it's immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead," Browne said.

The detective called uniformed New York Police Department officers at a nearby precinct. Emergency medical technicians arrived as O'Hare and Dalaia were preparing to wheel Cintron's body into the check-cashing store, Browne said. Police arrested Dalaia and O'Hare there, he said.

Am I the only one who has a feeling that a lot of drugs and a copy of this movie were involved in hatching this plan?

It's a good thing he wasn't stealing guns

A wise man once told me, "Sean, you shouldn't stuff sharp things down your pants." Apparently, this guy didn't have the benefit of such wisdom:

A man who hid hunting knives in his pants to try to steal them from a western Michigan store tripped while fleeing and stabbed himself in the abdomen, police say.

The suspect was hospitalized after Monday night's attempted theft from a Meijer Inc. superstore in Grand Rapids and is expected to face a misdemeanor shoplifting charge, police say.

The wounds did not appear to be life-threatening, The Grand Rapids Press reported.

The man had put about $300 worth of hunting knives in his waistband, police told WZZM-TV. Police say he tried to leave the store, but Meijer employees confronted him and a scuffle followed.

The man then fell and was stabbed by the knives he had hidden in his clothing, police said. They said it happened about 5:40 p.m.

It could have been worse, if you think about it, seeing as how he stabbed himself in the abdomen. Know what I mean?