Dirty dentist

I'm not a huge fan of going to the dentist, but I'm really glad I've never been to this dentist:

A British dentist was found guilty Thursday of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his fingernails and ears.

A medical tribunal said it was satisfied the evidence showed 51-year-old Alan Hutchinson, who routinely did not wear gloves or wash his hands, had risked the health of "himself, staff and patients" for more than 28 years.

A dental nurse who worked for Hutchinson for 16 years said she had caught him urinating in the sink more than once.

"He was tucking something into his trousers before zipping them up hastily. I walked over and I was behind him. He moved to the left and I could smell urine," the nurse told the tribunal.

The tribunal determined that the dentist's poor hygiene habits made him unfit to practice and struck him off the dental register, banning him from work.

Well, I should hope so. I want to know how this slob was able to get away with this kind of nastiness for so long. If he was doing this kind of thing for nearly thirty years, he probably infected a bunch of people with who knows what. And the weird thing is, it sounds like he was doing all of this on purpose, the sick bastard.

A late-night haiku you don't want to read (with the obligatory seasonal reference)

Like a soft Spring rain,
A pungent reminder of
The asparagus.

Voter apathy

This guy must feel like a dumbass. An unpopular dumbass, at that.

Joe Selle didn't exactly get voted out office this week, but he wasn't re-elected, either.

Selle, who was running unopposed for [Missouri City, MO] City Council, didn't get any votes at all. Not even one from himself.

Selle, 42, said he simply forgot that Tuesday was election day, and apparently so did Ward 3's other 34 registered voters.

The result was zero votes cast in Selle's race, but the city charter lets him keep the seat unless someone else is "successfully elected and qualified," the city attorney said.

Selle, a professional musician, was recently appointed to fill a council vacancy and had been seeking a full term.

He said he saw other residents at the school where the voting was held, "but it never occurred to me that's what they were there for."

The people of Missouri City must be just thrilled that they're being represented by someone who couldn't even remember to vote for himself on election day. That's not exactly the kind of guy I'd want making sure that the potholes get filled and the traffic lights work.

Lady looks like A dude 3: Son of lady looks like a dude

Last week, I wrote about a case where a guy who was accused of the statutory rape of a teen girl turned out to be a woman. Well, it looks like some other broad had the same idea.

The "boyfriend" of a 14-year-old girl who lived with her and her family for more than a year was actually a 30-year-old woman, police said.

Lorelei Corpuz posed as a 17-year-old orphan to gain the family's trust, then beat and molested the teen, police allege.

Corpuz was charged with two counts of third-degree child rape and one count of third-degree child molestation and was being held in lieu of $150,000 bail. Everett Police Sgt. Robert Goetz said he didn't know whether Corpuz had a lawyer.

Police said Corpuz was found out Sunday after an officer checked the suspect's vehicle, parked at an Everett gas station, to see whether it was stolen. The officer arrested Corpuz after the check pulled up an outstanding traffic warrant under an alias, Mark Villanueva.

The 14-year-old also was in the vehicle, and the officer, who recognized Corpuz from an earlier arrest, asked the girl how she knew the suspect.

"She indicated it was her boyfriend," Everett police Sgt. Robert Goetz said. "That obviously piqued the concern of the officer."

Officer Don de Nevens wrote in a probable cause statement that although Corpuz had sexual contact with the girl, "the suspect never let victim see her/his private parts and victim always thought that suspect was male until officer informed her otherwise."

The two met at a mall in September 2005, police said, and the suspect told the girl that his mother had died of cancer and that his father committed suicide. They talked on the phone and went on a date, and soon her family let him move in.

"They were all surprised that this individual was not who she said she was, both in name and sex," Goetz said Wednesday.

I've seen some youthful-looking thirty-year-old women, but none that looked like a seventeen-year-old boy. And why would the girl's parents let "him" move in with them? I mean, what did they think was going to happen when their daughter's older "boyfriend" moved in with them? These must have been some pretty stupid and/or naive people.

When the difference between left and right is very important

I'm not a litigious person, but oh, hells yeah, I'd be suing, too:

An Air Force veteran has filed a federal claim after an operation at a Veterans Administration hospital in which a healthy testicle was removed instead of a potentially cancerous one.

Benjamin Houghton, 47, was to have had his left testicle removed June 14 at the West Los Angeles VA Medical Center because there was a chance it could harbor cancer cells. It also was atrophied and painful.

But doctors mistakenly removed the right testicle, according to medical records and the claim, which seeks $200,000 for future care and unspecified damages. He still hasn't had the other testicle removed.

On the bright side, the Chief of Staff for the Greater Los Angeles VA system formally apologized to Houghton and his wife. Somehow, I just don't that's going to be good enough, though.

Come on weekend

From the guy who brought us the video about our most badass President. There's more of his stuff here, but be forewarned that there's some salty language.

Update: The George Washington video I linked to in my earlier post was removed, but you can see it at this link.

Beating the rap

Maybe it's just me, but the Thai prison system seems kinda weird. I mean, when you beat somebody else up in an American prison, you get in trouble, but over there...

Thai inmate Samson Sor Siriporn boosted her chances of freedom by beating Japan's Ayaka Miyano to win the vacant women's WBC light-flyweight title at the notorious "Bangkok Hilton" prison Tuesday.

Under the gaze of dozens of prison guards, Siriporn, a convicted drugs dealer, battled through the unforgiving Thai heat to score a unanimous points victory and kick-start parole proceedings for her early release.

"I've been in jail for a long time now, I hope this will see me released early," said Siriporn, flanked by mean-looking guards and surrounded by photographers.

"When I'm free I'll carry on fighting. I want to fight all over the world."

Fighting in a makeshift ring in the grounds of the infamous Klong Prem prison with the Thai crowd chanting "fight, fight," Siriporn was on the attack from the start and repeatedly forced Miyano on to the ropes with a barrage of punches.

The intense afternoon heat took its toll on Miyano, who twice fell to the canvas as a result of Siriporn's relentless attacks, which drew rapturous applause from the few thousand prison staff, factory workers and taxi drivers who flocked to see her fight for freedom.

So, she wins a boxing match, and that gets her out of prison? I guess you could say she was extra motivated. There were some other unusual details at the fight as well:

Siriporn's sparring partners also watched the fight, while glamorous transvestites in high heels and skimpy outfits were allowed out of their cells to parade around the ring with placards at the beginning of each round.

Uhhhh...okay. Anyway, she became the first prisoner ever to win a world boxing title, and she's going to get out of prison three years early as a result. I hear on the outside, the ring girls are actually female.

That's not helping

I've never been busted for a DUI, but if it happened, I'd make damn sure I showed up for my court date stone cold sober. Thus guy? Not so much:

A man who arrived at court drunk for a drunken-driving hearing was again charged with driving under the influence, police said.

Paul H. Zeigler, 45, of Glen Rock, appeared at a preliminary hearing at the Shrewsbury district court on March 26 for a DUI charge from December.

Police said Zeigler appeared to be intoxicated at the hearing, according to police records.

After his court appearance, Zeigler failed a portable breath test for alcohol and was taken into custody for a blood test, police said.

It turns out the dumbass drove to court, too, so he got another DUI. Hopefully, they'll be revoking his license.

Fantasyland

While Rick Moran is struck dumb by some lefty idiot's vision of a country ruled these last six years by the wise and just Manbearpig, well, me, I've got a song in my heart:

One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning
Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turning
I'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountains
So come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright
Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs
And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs
The farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay
Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow
Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too
You can paddle all around 'em in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin
And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in
There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks
I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day
Where they hung the jerk that invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains

Of course, Manbearpig (with the help of Sandy "Socks" Berger) would've prevented 9/11, persuaded Saddam to be nice without any nasty, bellicose sabre-rattling, and there probably wouldn't be any more more global warming, either! If only they'd counted the votes a few more times, why, just think of it! Seriously, read the whole thing to see just how wonderful life could've been.

(Via Allahpundit.)

Roadkill requiem

Damn. I ran over an opossum tonight on the way to the local watering hole. It walked right in front of my car, which was hurtling along at about fifty MPH, and I tried braking, but I couldn't swerve since there was a car in the next lane.

I feel bad that I killed this animal, but I'm glad that it wasn't a dog or cat. Is that wrong?

Extra! Extra!

Ah, to be young again, and in high school in Hampton, New Hampshire, which sounds like a swingin' place:

Some parents are protesting the "sex" edition of the student newspaper at Winnacunnet High School. Several said they were especially offended by a photograph of two women kissing under the headline, "Why men love women who love women," a quiz question about anal sex, and an interview with an unnamed custodian who said he had found a vibrator in the girls' shower.

I don't know how much I trust anonymous sources like that, but...wow.

There's a bunch of stuff about angry parents who are upset about the newspaper, administrators whose lawyers, I'm sure, have told them not to say anything too specific about the issue, and the faculty adviser, who defended her students' editorial decisions, of course. Whenever there's a controversy about something in a high school paper, the advisor always defends the editorial decisions of his or her students. And then, there are the students, who didn't want to shock people (olf course they did) but to educate them:

The student paper's editor in chief, Katie McCay, and managing editor, Lisa McManus, said they wanted to educate students, nearly half of whom are already having sexual intercourse, according to a 2005 Youth Risk Behavior Survey at the high school. The true or false quiz was particularly enlightening, they said.

"As we put the pages on the table, the staff said, 'Oh my goodness, that's false? I had no idea,'" McCay said. "This is definitely stuff kids didn't know about."

They also got a lot of feedback about the article on lesbians, she said.

I bet they did.

Mecha Michael

I honestly don't know how I missed this one a few days ago, but maybe you did, too:

Michael Jackson is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert, according to reports.

The pop legend is currently understood to be living in the city, as he considers making a comeback after 2004's turbulent child sex case.

It has now been claimed that his plans include an elaborate show in Vegas, which would feature the giant Jacko striding around the desert, firing laser beams.

If built, the metal monster would apparently be visible to aircraft as they come in to land in the casino capital.

The mind boggles. I wonder what city department one would have to go to in order to get a gigantic, laser-shooting Michael Jackson robot approved. Do Vegas's zoning laws allow for such a contraption? And would it be allowed within 200 feet of parks and schools?

(Via ace, who notes that "Vegas is forever trying to sell itself as a 'family friendly' vacation destination. Nothing can be more reassuring to parents than to know there's a 50 foot Michael Jackson robot prowling around the city, plying their children with wine and pornography." Too true.)

I think I'll pass

I just saw a commercial on the local Chinese-language channel for something called "Essence of Chicken Drink." I didn't understand anything said in the commercial, but I just don't feel like drinking some poor chicken's essence.

Lady looks like a dude 2: gender confusion boogaloo

I'm guessing that this statutory rape case didn't involve...uhhhh...penetration.

A statutory rape case against a 42-year-old charged as a man took on a different look after a jail shower revealed the defendant is actually a woman.

The female victim and several prisoners at the Hamilton County Jail were among those surprised to discover that the person booked in the case as Alexander David Cross is a woman also known as Elaine Ann Cross.

Cross had been in jail awaiting a court appearance Wednesday, where she pleaded guilty to an aggravated statutory rape charge as part of a deal with prosecutors. The charge stems from a sexual relationship with a 15-year-old girl.

In exchange for the plea, Cross will not serve jail time if she stays out of trouble for six years.

Officials said her gender was revealed when jail authorities directed Cross to take a shower.

"After about 10 days in jail, they figure out Alex Cross is a female," Assistant District Attorney Boyd Patterson said in court.

Let me get this straight. She'd been in the jail—not a place that's normally associated with privacy—for ten days, and nobody noticed that she didn't pee standing up? Well, I'm assuming she didn't, anyway.

Opposites attract

Its seems that love is in the air. High, high up in the air:

The world's tallest man has married a woman who is more than 2 feet shorter than him, a Chinese newspaper reported Wednesday.

Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia, married 5-foot-6 saleswoman Xia Shujian several days ago, the Beijing New reported.

Bao's 28-year-old bride is half his age and hailed from his hometown of Chifeng even though marriage advertisements were sent around the world, it said.

But Bao isn't only notable for his height. He also apparently saved Flipper's life:

He was in the news in December after he used his long arms to save two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs.

The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province. Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins' stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, Chinese media reported.

So, let me get this straight. The dolphins' stomachs were too sensitive for medical instruments, but they were just fine with Gigantor shoving his arms down their throats and into their guts?

Huh.

Land of the rising...suicide rate

My favorite country when it comes to bizarre news strikes again, this time with a lurid tale of murder and internet suicide pacts.

A Japanese man was sentenced to death Wednesday for killing three people he met through an Internet site for group suicides in 2005, a local court spokeswoman said.

The unemployed man, Hiroshi Maeue, 38, invited a 14-year-old boy out to commit suicide together using charcoal fumes, but then suffocated him to death, Kyodo news agency said.

Maeue, killed two others -- a 25-year-old woman and a 21-year-old male college student -- by similar means and abandoned their bodies, Kyodo said.

As far as I can tell, there was no bizarre sex involved, which is a little disappointing for a story about Japan, but it does talk about the popularity of internet suicide sites:

An increasing number of suicide Web sites have cropped up in recent years in Japan, where the suicide rate is one of the highest among industrialized countries.

Experts say the sites attract those who are afraid to die alone, and police say the number of people who died in group suicide pacts after meeting online totaled 56 in 2006, down from a record 91 in 2005.

Well, at least the idea doesn't seem to be growing in popularity.

I'm going to make one of my solemn blog promises here: At the Brea Canyon Monument, I promise not to make any suicide pacts with any of my five or so readers. And murdering people is also right out.*

*Murder promise may not apply to hoboes.

Lady looks like a dude

If nothing else, at least we at least have some idea why this couple split up:

Lawrence Roach agreed to pay alimony to the woman he divorced, not the man she became after a sex change, his lawyers argued Tuesday in an effort to end the payments. But the ex-wife's attorneys said the operation doesn't alter the agreement.

The lawyers and Circuit Judge Jack R. St. Arnold agreed the case delves into relatively unchartered legal territory. They found only a 2004 Ohio case that addressed whether or not a transsexual could still collect alimony after a sex change.

"There is not a lot out there to help us," St. Arnold said.

Roach and his wife, Julia, divorced in 2004 after 18 years of marriage. The 48-year-old utility worker agreed to pay her $1,250 a month in alimony. Since then, Julia Roach, 55, had a sex change and legally changed her name to Julio Roberto Silverwolf.

"It's illegal for a man to marry a man and it should likewise be illegal for a man to pay alimony to a man," Roach's attorney John McGuire said. "When she changed to man, I believe she terminated that alimony."

Silverwolf did not appear in court Tuesday and has declined to talk about the divorce. His lawyer, Gregory Nevins, said the language of the divorce decree is clear and firm Roach agreed to pay alimony until his ex-wife dies or remarries.

"Those two things haven't happened," said Nevins, a senior staff attorney with the national gay rights group Lambda Legal.

The lawyers on both sides apparently agree that Roach will likely have to keep paying alimony to...whoever.

It's an interesting case, though. I'm no law-talkin' guy, but I'd suggest that in a sense, one of those two conditions has been met. If you think about it, the woman he married has, in a way, ceased to exist. She's no longer female and she's legally changed her identity. She's not exactly dead, but she's not really there anymore, is she?

If anybody who has legal training wants to give their take on my (I'm assuming probably half-baked) theory, please leave a comment.

Judge hinders work of British heroes

I'M OUTRAGED!

Lap-dancers at one of Britain's biggest strip clubs must pay their own value added tax (VAT) bills, a senior judge ruled on Friday.

In a High Court ruling that could affect dancers at other venues, Mr Justice Mann said it was the women and not their club, Spearmint Rhino, who should foot the bill.

He backed the chain's argument that the self-employed dancers provide the entertainment on offer, rather than the club.

Sucks to be a stripper, I guess. In addition to all the other reasons why it sucks to be a stripper, that is. I mean, the one thing that strippers had going for them is that drunken fools paid them money to expose themselves. And now, this? It's like this judge is trying to discourage girls from taking their clothes off for money.

Good job, dumbass.

Remind me never to do that again

Guess who stepped on the cable for his laptop's AC adaptor this weekend, severing the already loose metal connecter from the cable, rendering it utterly useless? Guess who drove to Fry's the next day with the broken AC adaptor but not the information about which model of Toshiba Satellite computer he has, making it impossible to determine which kind of universal adaptor to buy? Guess who finally figured it out, drove to another store, and is now out a hundred bucks and change?

Yeah.

On the bright side, I treated myself to lunch here, and it was, as usual, damn good.

Update: I forgot to mention something else that was good about that day. I got to meet Andy's niece Josie for the first time. He has a picture of here posted here.

Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary

It would've been healthier if she'd baked him

Look on the bright side—at least she didn't eat him:

A Brazilian housewife was convicted and sentenced to 19 years in prison Friday for killing her husband, chopping his corpse into small pieces and frying it.

Rosanita Nery dos Santos, 52, was sentenced by Judge Casio Miranda in northeastern Bahia state after a 15-member jury found her guilty of killing retired police officer Jose Raimundo Soares dos Santos, court spokesman Francisco Ribeiro said.

Authorities said the killing occurred almost two years ago in Vila Sao Cosme, a lower middle-class neighborhood in the Bahia state capital of Salvador, 930 miles northeast of Sao Paulo.

"On June 23, 2005, Rosanita Nery dos Santos drugged her husband and stabbed him to death while he slept," Idmar Bonfim, a spokesman for the Salvador Civil Police Department said. "She then hacked his body into more than 100 pieces, which she boiled and fried before hiding them in plastic bags underneath the staircase of her house."

They say she killed him either as part of some kind of black magic ritual or to get his life insurance money, but she claims she's innocent. Well, kind of.

Santos denied killing her husband but said she chopped up his body, Bonfim said.

"She claims masked assailants entered her house, killed her husband and then forced her to cut up the body and fry it because that would prevent the stench of a decomposing body from alerting neighbors."

That sounds logical. I mean, if a bunch of thugs broke into my house, killed a member of my family, and ordered me to cut them up and cook them, I know I'd hide the the body and I'd be sure not to tell anybody about it until the cops found out and arrested me. That'd make me look innocent. Crazy innocent.

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before

Have you seen the previews for that new movie, Disturbia? It appears to be about a kid who can't leave his house because he's under house arrest, so he begins watching his neighbors through binoculars. He thinks he sees one such neighbor commit a murder, but he can't leave the house to prove it! So, what does he do? It appears that he has a female accomplice (she seems to be his friend or sister, but I can't tell from the trailer) who can go out and check out the evidence and be menaced by the alleged killer.

Does any of this sound a bit...familiar?

No, it's probably just me.

Another criminal mastermind

I wonder whether the cops find it enjoyable when criminals make it easy for them or if they find that it takes the fun and excitement out of their jobs:

A hapless German thief snapped his credit card in two while prying open a lock, inadvertently leaving behind his name and account details for police.

"He tried to copy what he'd seen them do on television, but the flat-owner woke up and the criminal ran away," a police spokesman said on Wednesday. "The victim called up and read us the details off the card."

"When we got round to the burglar´s house, the other half of his credit card was sitting on his kitchen table."

I mean, if he got rid of the other half of the credit card, maybe he could at least try to claim that it had been stolen or something, but no. He just leaves the other half of the evidence lying outh there for them to find. Sheesh. I bet they didn't even get to use any of their cool CSI equipment or anything.

Steamy videos

Ladies, always be sure to screen your male roommates carefully:

A man landed in hot water after police say he hid a tiny camera in a shampoo bottle to watch two of his female roommates as they took showers.

A male roommate, curious why the shampoo wasn't moved for some time, found wires protruding from the back of the bottle, then called police, authorities said.

The camera recorded through a pinhole, and the images were sent to Steven Thibodeau's television, police said. Thibodeau, 25, had placed the camera to record the women showering and made video of one of them changing clothes, according to police.

Thibodeau was arraigned Wednesday on 15 counts of voyeurism and one count of evidence tampering, which alleges he tried to delete some images.

The article says there is "no evidence he transferred the files to the Internet." Yet. Just wait, though. Everything ends up on the internet sooner or later these days.

The deerly departed

Some people will do just about anything when they're hard up for a little lovin', but this is ridiculous. Not to mention nasty.

A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn.

"The state believes that particular place is the best to provide treatment for the individual," Assistant District Attorney Jim Boughner said.

Okay, so that's pretty fucked up right there, but it gets worse. It turns out that he's tried this sort of thing before:

Hathaway's probation will be served at the same time as a nine-month jail sentence he received in February for violating his extended supervision.

He was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. He was sentenced to 18 months in jail and two years of extended supervision on that charge as well as six years of probation for taking and driving a vehicle without the owner's consent.

Now, I'm not what you'd call a prude by any stretch of the imagination. I think consenting adults ought to be able to do whatever floats their nasty little boats. But bestiality is wrong. And bestiality with dead animals? That's a special kind of wrong. The kind of wrong that gets you on the express train straight to hell.

The judge in the case called Hathaway's behavior "disturbing." I think that qualifies as an Understatement of the Year candidate.

Fight for your right to bribery

A lot of people are saying that China is going to eclipse the U.S. as the next great superpower, but as I've pointed out before, China, while it's made leaps and bounds in the years since Maoism, is still full of peasants living in third world conditions.

And here's a story about some of those peasants fighting against for corrupt public officials:

Villagers in southeastern China are up in arms after missing out on lucrative bribes during a recent village elections when candidates foreswore the practice at a temple, according to a Communist Party monthly magazine.

Officials up for election in Dingmei village in Fujian province had to swear to the party they would not bribe voters, but they went one further and took the same oath at a village temple, magazine Xiao Kang said in its March issue.

But this did not go down well with villagers, said the magazine, run by the party's ideological journal Qiu Shi, which means "Seeking Truth."

"You can earn lots of money if you're elected village boss, so what's so bad about dishing some of it out?" complained one old man, whose surname was given as Chen.

"But this election, they went to the temple and all we got was a bowl of rice and bottle of beer after all was said and done," he said. "It's peanuts."

Way to take pride in doing your civic duty, Mr. Chen. But on the other hand, the article mentions that the villagers are used to getting the equivalent of about 130 bucks at each election, so I guess I'd sort of miss that kind of scratch, too.

I love the way the article ends, though [with my emphasis]:

Despite rising living standards, China's rural areas have seen a spate of protests and riots in recent years over issues ranging from official corruption, arbitrary land grabs and miscarriage of justice to industrial pollution.

I guess they were rioting because there wasn't quite enough corruption. Maybe they're rooting for more land grabs, miscarriages of justice, and industrial pollution, too.

Nutty prankster fired

Remember last week when people watching a news show in Phoenix were treated to an unexpected dose of porn? Well, the network fired whoever was responsible.

I don't have any jokes about this. Just thought I'd mention it.

Flight of the not-so-living dead

They'll let anybody into first class these days:

A passenger in first class woke up to a shock when he found himself sitting near a corpse on a British Airways flight, British newspapers reported on Monday.

Paul Trinder, 54, said cabin crew moved the body of the elderly woman from the economy section where she had died after take-off, the Mirror and Sun tabloids said.

"The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor," Trinder, a businessman, was quoted as saying. "It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows."

I've never flown first class, but if that's what you have to do to get upgraded, I think I'll stick to coach.

Sex education begins at home

A lot of people are uncomfortable about discussing the birds and the bees with their children. I'm guessing that's not the case with this couple:

A mother and her boyfriend were sentenced to three years probation on Monday for having intercourse in front of the woman's 9-year-old daughter to teach the girl about sex.

Chief Family Court Judge Jeremiah S. Jeremiah Jr. sentenced Rebecca Arnold of Woonsocket, and her boyfriend, David Prata, to probation and a three-year suspended sentence after they pleaded no contest to a felony child neglect charge.

[...]

During an investigation by the state child welfare authorities, Prata, 33, said he and Arnold, 36, had sex "all the time" in front of the child and that "we don't believe in hiding anything." He told an investigator that they did not force the girl to watch.

Well, that's nice, I guess. But I bet he's going to be rethinking the whole "we don't believe in hiding anything" policy when the bills for the girl's therapy come due.

Weird tales of the Sitemeter III

Somebody dropped by after searching the web for "gay brea." I'm guessing he or she was a little disappointed.

Kiss me, I'm Irish

Well, maybe after I've had a mint:

(Image via the talented Steve Hogan.)

Don't read this, guys

Any of my readers who have recently eaten may want to avoid reading this story. Especially if you're male.

Three men accused of operating what police described as a sadomasochistic "dungeon" that included castrations have been sentenced to jail time. Richard Peter "Master Rick" Sciara, his partner of 20 years Michael Mendez, and the man they called their slave, Danny Carroll Reeves, pleaded guilty to felony castration and maiming. Superior Court Judge Dennis Winner said it was difficult to call the dungeon's willing patients "victims," but he said six castrations performed there were certainly a crime.

"I think this is a type of perversion that cannot be tolerated by society," Winner said during a sentencing hearing Thursday.

Hey, Judge Winner, that sounds a tad judgemental.

I actually read a stomach-churning article a few years ago in a Bay Area (yeah, shocking, I know) alt-weekly about this subculture of men who, for various reasons, either abuse their balls or want to be castrated outright. Some of them said that they were disgusted by or ashamed of their sexual desires and felt that castration would let them live a life free of sexual urges. Others just hated the feeling of having testicles between their legs and wanted to get the old snippety-snip. Others still were just sadomasochistic freaks. I'd be willing to bet that the "victims" here contained a mix of at least a few of these elements.

In plea bargains, Sciara, 62, was sentenced to a year in prison, though he has served all but two weeks of that time. Reeves, 50, was sentenced to eight months in prison, and Mendez, 61, received four months. Reeves and Mendez have already served their sentences and will enter four and two months of house arrest, respectively, and three years of supervised probation.

In exchange for the pleas, the state dropped charges of misdemeanor practicing medicine without a license and conspiracy.

I guess it's not like the people they castrated were abducted and then tortured. They got what they wanted. But I'm still surprised that the sentences were so light since what they were doing was pretty damn dangerous. And nasty, too, though I guess there's no law against being nasty.

For the ladies: Feeling left out by this tale of male anatomical unpleasantness? Well, Dave's girlfriend, the Nurse told him a tale of post-natal horrors that will probably give you the same kind of heebie-jeebies that the story of the illegal nutectomies gave us fellas.

Dude looks like a lady

You'd think he would've noticed that his so-called "fiancee" kept leaving the toilet seat up:

Even in the messy legal world of dividing property after a failed romance, this case was exceptional. A Jackson County judge was asked to consider whether a transvestite had misled a former male fiance into believing she was a woman. Ferris Griggs of Kansas City, Kan., sued Josie Garcia of Kansas City, claiming that Garcia had defrauded him by pretending to be a woman.

Griggs wanted the judge to remove Garcia's name from a deed to a $20,000 house they co-own. Griggs also gave Garcia a $2,500 engagement ring, but didn't ask for that back.

Garcia, who goes by the name Cindy, testified that Griggs knew all along that she was a man, and that they often had sex during a relationship that lasted many months. Garcia dressed as a woman in court.

Griggs denied that the couple had sex. He said someone else told him that Garcia was a man.

He's also claiming that Garcia blackmailed him, threatening to tell Griggs' parole officer about an illegal trip the two of them made out of state. And I loved this part:

But Garcia testified that she did not blackmail Griggs, and said they had a troubled relationship because Griggs was a control freak and hermit while she was sociable and normal.

Yeah. Normal.

Um, I'm pretty sure that's already happened

Dr. David Thorpe contemplates the upcoming Police reunion [with my emphasis]:

Now that we know that Sting dreams of blue turtles, lies in fields of gold and performs with Yo-Yo Ma at the Olympics, there is not a single reasonable excuse for not hating him. Why should we care that he's rejoining his band and returning to his rock roots? His rock roots sprouted into a majestic oak of crap, the horror of which no musician alive can ever hope to match, unless Dave Matthews gets blasted with radiation and mutates into an atomic superpussy. Fuck the Police.

There's lots more at the link. Needless to say, the good doctor is none too excited about any of the bands that are reuniting.

Tom Brokaw suddenly becomes extermely interesting

Man, you just know that a clip of this news program will be on the internet in no time, if it's not already:

A cable news program was temporarily replaced with hard-core pornography, shocking viewers who had been watching a health show featuring former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw. The incident Monday night on KPPX-TV was "an act of human sabotage" at the Phoenix-area station, said ION Television, which operates the station.

"We have launched a rigorous investigation, and any implicated employees will face strict disciplinary action and termination," ION Media Networks spokeswoman Leslie Monreal said in a statement.

Brenda Schodt, of Chandler, said she was shocked to look up and see graphic sex acts on her television screen.

"Maybe five or 10 minutes into the show there was no volume," Schodt said. "I thought it was the TV, but when I looked up, there were these images."

Note that she didn't say whether or not she changed the channel. You're a dirty, dirty girl, Brenda.

Anyway, I doubt the technology they use to measure television ratings is that sophisticated or sensitive, but wouldn't it be interesting if we could figure out where viewership of the program dropped off and where it, um, spiked?

Crime in the kinky country

So I see the headline to this story, which reads, "Serial lingerie thief arrested," and without reading a word of it, guessed that it took place in Japan. I was right:

Police found more than 4,000 pieces of lingerie in the home of a Japanese construction worker who used climbing skills developed on his job to steal women's underwear.

Police believe that Shigeo Kodama, 54, amassed the 3,977 panties, 355 bras and 10 pairs of stockings over a six-year period. He was arrested in February after he stole underwear from two houses, and police later raided his home.

[...]

"He didn't steal any other kinds of clothing. But as long as it was underwear, apparently anything would do," the spokesman added.

But of course. Though I don't know why he'd bother to steal panties when they're conveniently available from vending machines.*

*I know I've linked to that before, but the idea the idea that vending machines that sell used panties is just mind-blowing to me.

Man oh Manischewitz

I think this guy learned the hard way that there are certain...activities...that aren't really appropriate for an outdoor setting:

Israel has recalled its ambassador in El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked with sex toys lying nearby in the yard of his official residence, Israeli media reports said on Monday.

A foreign ministry spokeswoman confirmed that the ambassador, Tsuriel Raphael, was recalled but offered no details. "The ministry sees his behavior as unbecoming of a diplomat," the spokeswoman said.

Israeli media reported that local police found Raphael in the yard of the official residence in San Salvador. The reports said he was drunk, naked, and bound and gagged with a rubber ball in his mouth and sex toys lying near him.

I guess the silver lining for Raphael, if there is one, is that the sex toys were found near him, if you know what I mean.

A likely story

Somehow, I don't think this guy's defense is going to stand up in court, no matter how good his lawyer is.

A man told police not to blame him for crashing his truck into a light post _ it was that unicorn behind the wheel. Prosecutor Ingrid Rosenquist said Phillip C. Holliday Jr. initially denied driving the truck involved in the March 7 crash in Billings. He told officers at the scene that a unicorn was driving, she said.

Holliday, 42, pleaded not guilty Tuesday to felony charges of criminal endangerment and drunken driving.

No, really? He was drunk? Just try to wrap your heads around that.

Holliday has five drunken-driving convictions. District Judge Gregory Todd kept his bail at $100,000 despite his lawyer arguing that Holliday's last such conviction was 14 years ago.

Besides, a leprechaun was driving that time. And leprechauns are terrible drivers.

Jumping bail for Jerry

If you're under house arrest and you decide to skip out, you should probably have a better reason for doing so than this douchebag.

A judge imposed $50,000 cash bond Friday for a man accused of cutting off his electronic monitoring bracelet to ride by limousine to Chicago and be on "The Jerry Springer Show." Defense lawyer Margaret Johnson argued against the high bond, noting that Mario Sims, 21, of Racine, is already being held on $20,000 cash bond on a bail jumping charge.

She said a second bond was unnecessary, but Racine County Circuit Judge Emily Mueller disagreed.

"A significant bond is legally necessary given the fact he absconded, admittedly for one of the more unique reasons I've heard in my time on the bench," the judge said before Sims was taken to Racine County Jail.

I'm gonna have to agree with the judge on that one. If the $20,000 bond wasn't enough inducement for him to stay put, he might just need some more incentives.

The dude should've been in jail, anyway, if you ask me. Check this out:

Sims had been freed on a signature bond of $50,000 after repeated delays of his trial on charges filed in 2004 of child enticement and first-degree sexual assault of a child.

Charming, no? And check out the topic of the show he was on:

A TV.com Web site teaser for it said: "Outrageous nuptials! Returning guest Mario is a proud father and is ready to marry his baby's mother - who's also his half-sister ...."

Like I said, charming. I wonder if the incest baby is the one he sexually abused.

The big news I got from this story, though, was that Jerry Springer still has a show. Who knew?

Mountain of megalomania

Gee, I wonder why they'd want that changed:

The mayor of a small town in Germany on Thursday called on Google Earth to delete a reference to a nearby "Mount Hitler" from its geographic image service, saying it was misleading.

Andreas Wiedemann, mayor of Bad Toelz, south of Munich, said the peak near the Bavarian town had been known as Mount Hitler for a short time during the Third Reich but had been given back its original name of Heigelkopf after World War Two.

And they shaved off its mustache, too.

Interestingly enough, "Heiglkopf" is German for "Mount Hatred."*

*No, it isn't.

She must have hated Superman II

So, Slate's Dana Stevens reviewed the new movie 300, and she didn't like it, partly because (keep in mind that this is a movie about Spartans) it doesn't have any discernable anti-war message. Uh-huh.

She also thinks the movie is RACIST! and sexist and homophobic. Here's a little slice of her nonsense:

Here are just a few of the categories that are not-so-vaguely conflated with the "bad" (i.e., Persian) side in the movie: black people. Brown people. Disfigured people. Gay men (not gay in the buff, homoerotic Spartan fashion, but in the effeminate Persian style). Lesbians. Disfigured lesbians. Ten-foot-tall giants with filed teeth and lobster claws. Elephants and rhinos (filthy creatures both). The Persian commander, the god-king Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) is a towering, bald club fag with facial piercings, kohl-rimmed eyes, and a disturbing predilection for making people kneel before him.

Huh. So does this mean General Zod wanted Superman to give him a hummer? Come to think of it, Zod (sounds a little like "sod," hm?) did look kinda queer.

Hey! It's not a gay thing. It's more like a prison thing.

(Via Ace, who beats Stevens like a redheaded stepchild.)

Update: I noticed that she included "Ten-foot-tall giants with filed teeth and lobster claws," as creatures who are "conflated with the 'bad.'" I don't know any ten-foot-tall giants with lobster claws or filed teeth, so I really couldn't tell you whether or not they're "bad" people, but you've got to admit that they do sound kinda scary.

Sweet

Cal just edged out UCLA by seven points in overtime in the Pac 10 tournament. That was a hell of an upset.

That's gotta hurt

So, it turns out that alcohol, lighter fluid, fire, and people who are stupid enough to emulate professional idiots are quite the volatile mix:

Attempts to do a movie stunt landed one man in the hospital with burned genitals and another facing criminal charges. The men were trying to do a stunt from one of the "Jackass" movies, in which a character lights his genitals on fire.

Jared W. Anderson, 20, suffered serious burns to his hands and genitals, according to the criminal complaint. Randell D. Peterson, 43, who sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson and lit him on fire, was charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment Tuesday in Eau Claire County Court.

Witnesses told police that Anderson, who was drunk, volunteered to do the stunt Sunday after watching the movie, the complaint said.

And apparently, nobody tried to stop him. Some nice friends you've got there, Jared. But, to be fair, they were also probably really, really trashed.

Anderson pulled down his pants and let Peterson spray him with lighter fluid. When the fire didn't catch, Peterson sprayed more lighter fluid on Anderson, splashing some on his clothing. He tried again to light the fire, catching Anderson's genitals, hands and clothes.

Now, I've gotten drunk and done some stupid stuff before, but even at my most stuporous, besotten, three-sheets-to-the-wind state of mind, I don't think I would ever volunteer to have someone set me on fire. Especially not my junk.

But, as my brother pointed out, there's a bright side to this story—not for Anderson, but for the rest of us. Namely, that it seems unlikely now that he'll ever be able to reproduce.

An observation

I don't know about the rest of you, but for some reason, I never get a song that I actually like stuck in my head. Yesterday, for example, I had some douchey Sugar Ray song playing non-stop in my brain all day long. Now I'm pretty sure I know what hell is like.

I know what I want for my birthday

Prediction: this guy is going to be a zillionaire and a hero to men everywhere:

When John Cornwell graduated from Duke University last year, he landed a job as software engineer in Atlanta but soon found himself longing for his college lifestyle. So the engineering graduate built himself a reminder of life on campus: a refrigerator that can toss a can of beer to his couch with the click of a remote control.

"I conceived it right after I got out," said Cornwell, a May 2006 graduate from Huntington, N.Y. "I missed the college scene. It embodies the college spirit that I didn't want to let go of."

It took the 22-year-old Cornwell about 150 hours and $400 in parts to modify a mini-fridge common to many college dorm rooms into the beer-tossing contraption, which can launch 10 cans of beer from its magazine before needing a reload.

With a click of the remote, fashioned from a car's keyless entry device, a small elevator inside the refrigerator lifts a beer can through a hole and loads it into the fridge's catapult arm. A second click fires the device, tossing the beer up to 20 feet _ "far enough to get to the couch," he said.

The only problem I can forsee is that there will be an epidemic of increased obesity and bedsores because a lot of guys are never going to get off the couch again if this thing goes commercial. But that's a small price to pay for the Best. Thing. Ever.

Stank at the bank

Uh, you know, they probaably have a bathroom inside the bank branch, dude.

An 18-year-old man has been detained for repeatedly defecating in front of a cash machine in a bank vestibule in the southern German town of Eggmuehl, police said on Tuesday.

A police spokesman said man, who left his deposit at the bank eight times, was caught only after the bank installed video monitors to film him in action.

I wonder if he brought a roll of toilet paper with him. Because I bet those deposit slips are really scratchy.

So...

...anything interesting happen today?

Oh, yeah. Right.

What the hell?

Sometimes, I can't come up with anything funnier or more ridiculous-sounding than the actual headline to an article. This would be one of those times. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...Teens Accused of Making Ostrich Impotent:

Three teenagers may be on the hook for a hefty fine if a court decides that their festive firecrackers outside an eastern German farm scared the libido right out of an ostrich named Gustav.

Rico Gabel, a farmer in Lohsa, northeast of Dresden, is claiming $6,450 in damages for the alleged antics of the three youths, ages 17-18, between Dec. 27 and 29, 2005.

According to his lawsuit, the farmer claims that fireworks set off by the boys made the previously lustful Gustav both apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform for a half-a-year with his two female breeding partners.

Now, Gustav did end up getting his mojo back, but not before the farmer estimates he lost out on fourteen potential offspring worth $460 each.

Frankly, I'm surprised it took that long for Gustav to get back in gear. I mean, don't they make Viagra for ostriches?

Feelin' old

I went to one of the local watering holes tonight to meet with some friends and I ended up sitting next to the bartender's best friend. She was a pretty girl, blonde with big blue eyes, and we struck up a conversation.

At one point, we were talking about some of our college experiences (she was an English major, like me) and she asked when I graduated. I told her that I'd finished my B.A. in 1998.

"I didn't think you were that old," she said. "I mean, I graduated from junior high that year," she added. I suddenly felt arthritis creeping into my joints and my hair started turning gray. I'm pretty sure I broke my hip when I got off my barstool a few minutes later.

On the bright side, I guess that was a compliment. Yeah.

Big mama

I know I'm going to burn in hell for some of the stuff I joke about here. But probably none moreso than the following:

April Branum went to her local emergency room Monday night complaining of stomach pain and emerged with the biggest shock of her life. She was pregnant with a full-term fetus.

Doctors, who discovered the baby when they took X-rays of her abdominal area, immediately sent Branum to UCI Medical Center in Orange for prenatal testing.

The fetus's lungs were fully developed, the heartbeat was strong, and no defects were detected. The baby was ready to be delivered.

Two days later, the first-time mother gave birth by C-section to a healthy, 7-pound, 7-ounce boy named Walter Scott Edwards III.

And why, gentle reader, didn't Branum know shw was pregnant? Read on to find the answer...

"Usually you can tell if you're pregnant, but with me, I couldn't tell," the 39-year-old Garden Grove resident said Thursday, pointing to her belly and explaining that, at about 420 pounds, she was so large that no one – including herself – could tell she had carried a baby to term.

Branum says she never had morning sickness and did not feel the baby kick, at least not until after doctors told her what was inside her womb. "If he kicked, I didn't feel him kicking," she said.

The layers of fat padding her belly likely insulated the baby's movements, said her physician, Dr. Afshan Hameed. [emphasis mine]

Gah!

Take a guess what the first thing that came to mind when I read that was. That's right. I thought, "Someone had sex with her?" I'm a bad person like that.

But, as the article notes, she has a fiancee (after whom the baby is named), so I guess there really is someone out there for everyone.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go try to drink enough to try to forget I ever read about this.

Unilateral aggression

No, I'm not talking about the war in Iraq. I'm talking about this, which may very well be the least interesting invasion in history.

What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers wandered just over a mile across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion.

"We've spoken to the authorities in Liechtenstein and it's not a problem," Daniel Reist told The Associated Press.

Actually, as the article notes, Liechtenstein doesn't even have an army, so I guess the Swiss could get away with it, if they were serious. And frankly, I've never really trusted those cuckoo-clock-making bastards, what with all their fondue and neutrality and knives.

And speaking of the latter, don't their survival kits come with compasses?

Badge of honor

Okay, so I guess I'm "banned" from Ace of Spades HQ, just because I may have suggested that a certain blogger was a little light in his loafers, NTTAWWT.

Well, I stand by my remarks. Furthermore, I'd rather die than give up my cherished, inalienable right to insinuate that ace is a homo, NTTAWWT. So, ban me if you must. Do your worst, but know this:

"You can never take away my FREEDOM...to imply that you're a polesmoker. NTTAWWT."

Better living through bathroom cleansers

You know how some crazy people are absolutely fanatical about cleaning? Those are preferable to the other kind of crazy people, who don't seem to be especially put off by the smell of pee, but I digress. Well, where in the world do craziness and neat-freakishness collide the most? Why, Japan, of course.

Cleanliness has long been next to godliness for the hygiene-conscious Japanese, but fortune-tellers are now advising those who want to succeed in life to start by scrubbing the smallest room.

"Cleaning the toilet to attract luck" published this month is the latest in a series of books advising readers on how to attract good fortune using a brush and an array of cleaning fluids.

"Don't just wipe the floor, polish it," the book instructs. "It's important to maintain a positive mood while cleaning."

The books are inspired by Buddhist teachings and feng shui, a traditional Chinese belief that people's fortunes are determined by their surroundings.

The idea that Lady Luck may be hiding in the lavatory has been taken up by magazines and television programs.

"I won the lottery! I married my ideal person! I got pregnant!" read some of the claims on the cover of another book on the topic, published last year.

The idea that a clean toilet can bring good fortune, or even make you more beautiful, has existed in Japan for many years, according to Yuka Soma of Makino Publishing in Tokyo, editor of one of the toilet books.

Look, I'm all for a clean bathroom, but it's just not going to make you rich and famous. That's what deals with the devil are for. Just ask Oprah.

Okay, that was weird

My hometown just got mentioned at the beginning of tonight's episode of Lost. Random.

Hot potato

I know the Atkins people will tell you that potatoes aren't good for you, but this is ridiculous:

A 74-year-old Italian grandmother who bought a sack of potatoes at the her local market found a live grenade among the spuds.

"I found a bomb in the potatoes," Olga Mauriello said in a telephone interview with Reuters.

"I went to the market to buy some potatoes and that's where the bomb was. But this bomb was covered in dirt, and I put it in water and got all dirt off. And then I realized 'It's a bomb'!"

Police said the pine cone-shaped grenade, which had no pin and was still active, was the same type used by U.S. soldiers in Europe in World War Two. Authorities believe the mix-up happened at a farm in France, where the grenade was plucked from the ground along with potatoes.

To the woman's relief, police and explosives experts in the small town of San Giorgio a Cremano, near Naples, recovered the grenade and safely detonated it on Wednesday.

Ah, that's the good old bloodthirsty United States military for you. Nearly killing sweet old ladies without even trying.

More than pennies from Heaven

If you're going to try to cash a bad check, you probably don't want to make it completely and blatantly obvious that that's what you're doing. Case in point:

Kevin Russell found out it's not easy trying to cash a check from God. The 21-year-old man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a check for $50,000 at the Chase Bank in Hobart [Indiana] that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant," Hobart police Detective Jeff White said.

Russell was charged with one count attempted check fraud and one count intimidation, both felonies, and one count resisting law enforcement, a misdemeanor. He could face prison time.

Police were called to the bank after Russell tried to cash the check, which was written on an invalid Bank One check with no imprint, White said. Russell had several other checks with him that were signed the same way but made out in different dollar amounts, including one for $100,000.

Russell struggled with police as they tried to detain him, White said, and then threatened police as they transported him to the Hobart Police Department.

You probably don't want to mess with a guy who's tight enough with the Man Upstairs that he's getting hundreds of thousands of dollars from Him. That's practically begging for a smiting.

Late night/early morning musings

If it's true that no man is an island then how do you account for the Isle of Man?

And what's up with those cats without tails? That's pretty weird.

Regulation: it's what's for dinner

Oh, great. More busybodies telling people how they ought to live their lives and wanting the government to get involved with restaurant menus:

Many U.S. chain restaurants are promoting "extreme eating" with dishes that pack at least a day's worth of calories and fat, without giving customers facts about their orders, a consumer group said on Monday.

Displaying restaurant offerings including a cheese-laden chicken-and-pasta dish they dubbed "Angioplasta," officials at the Center for Science in the Public Interest said such dishes help fuel national epidemics of obesity and heart disease.

They urged local, state and national governments to make restaurants list nutritional data on their menus.

Michael Jacobson, the group's executive director, took aim at "table-service" chain restaurants like Ruby Tuesday's and Uno Chicago Grill. Such places increasingly stuff their dishes with extra unhealthy ingredients, he said.

"What we're finding is that table-service restaurants have launched into a whole new era of extreme eating," Jacobson said. "If we're going to deal with the epidemic of obesity and the tremendous prevalence of heart attacks and strokes, we're going to have to do something about restaurant foods."

Um, no "we" don't. People need to make choices about what they want to eat. If they want to eat healthy food, they can make that choice. If they want to load up on a lot of fattening crap, why, they can make that choice, too.

Oh, and I just love the example this guy showed reporters:

Jacobson showed reporters an appetizer offered by Uno Chicago Grill that he said contained 2,050 calories. It was a cross between a pizza and stuffed potato skins, with a deep-dish pizza crust crammed with mozzarella and cheddar cheese, mashed potatoes, bacon and sour cream.

Look, if you don't know that something like that isn't good for you, you're a moron. And if you eat stuff like that every day, you're probably not going to live to a ripe old age. Does that mean the government needs to step in and regulate restaurant menus? I don't think so. But these people think the government needs to step in to be our nanny because we're too stupid to make our own choices.

The sad thing is that they'll probably ultimately succeed.

Meaty monstrosity

Are you feeling hungry? And I don't just mean a little peckish, I mean really hungry? If so, you might want to head to Clearview, Pennsylvania:

The newest addition to the menu at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub is one whopper of a burger. The Beer Barrel Main Event Charity Burger weighs in at 123 pounds, a meaty monstrosity that its cooks maintain shatters the world record of 105 pounds shared by two restaurants in New Jersey and Thailand.

The sizable sandwich features an 80-pound beef patty, along with a pound each of lettuce, ketchup, relish, mustard and mayonnaise, 160 slices of cheese, up to five onions and 12 tomatoes.

It's topped with a couple of pounds of banana peppers, then sandwiched into a 30-pound bun. Don't forget the garnish of 33 pickles.

According to the article, the burger will set you back a cool $379. But you'd better hurry, because Michael Moore can easily afford that!

(Yeah, yeah, so I made a joke about Michael Moore's weight. It's not like I'm getting paid to come up with original material, you ungrateful bastards.)

The Oscars

Yeah, so I'm not really watching them at all. I honestly didn't see any of the movies that are nominated for anything, and while I'm sure at least some of them were entertaining, I just can't bring myself to care. Since I live here in SoCal, I'm sure I won't be hearing about much of anything else on the local news for the next couple of days anyway, so I don't really feel like I'm missing out either way.

Txt 4 w33d

Who's the last person you want to try to buy pot from? This guy is probably near the top of the list.

Misguided text messages led to the arrest of a western Kentucky teacher who is accused of trying to buy pot from a state trooper. Trooper Trevor Pervine was at dinner with his wife and parents, celebrating her birthday when his phone started buzzing.

Pervine was getting text messages about buying marijuana Thursday night, Kentucky State Police spokesman Barry Meadows said. The person sending the messages had the wrong number.

Ann Greenfield, 34, a teacher at Murray Middle School, is accused of sending the messages and has been charged with conspiracy to traffic in controlled substances within 1,000 feet of a school, possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia, Meadows said.

Pervine initially thought the messages were from friends playing a joke, Meadows said. A couple of phone calls put that idea to rest, so Pervine began responding to the messages to set up a meeting, Meadows said.

When Greenfield arrived at the meeting point, she found Pervine and other law enforcement officers waiting for her, Meadows said.

I don't know about you, but I probably would've paid to have seen the look on her face. The dumbass.

For the Children™

Behold the Maryland state legislature, where that fine state's politicians are dealing with the most pressing issues of the day:

Fake bull testicles and other anatomically explicit vehicle decorations would be banned from Maryland roads under a bill pending in the state legislature.

The measure was filed in the General Assembly Monday by Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr., R-Washingon, who says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches. The bill also would ban depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or genitals, with offenses punishable by fines of up to $500.

"It's time to take a stand," Myers told The (Hagerstown) Herald-Mail.

Right. Because the problem of people hanging bull balls from their trailer hitches is so widespread and pernicious that the state needs to get involved. Why, I bet there have been tens of children who have been severely traumatized by this menace of the highways and byways.

Look, these things are tacky and the kind of people who would put them on their vehicles are probably idiots, but is there really a compelling need for the government to step in and ban them? Don't these people have anything more important to talk about?

I guess not.

(This is a few days old, but it's related.)

Bitch, bitch, bitch

Come on, people, get a sense of humor.

A newly opened store catering to very pampered dogs, especially female dogs, is getting more than questioning looks for its name, High Maintenance Bitch.

The third word in the sign is widely visible at North 45th Street and Wallingford Avenue North, one of the main intersections in the Wallingford neighborhood business west of Interstate 5 and north of the Lake Washington Ship Canal.

"I am probably the most progressive liberal person in the world and I am personally offended by the sign," said Janet Stillman, executive director of the Wallingford Neighborhood Office. "It's so blatant and so in your face."

Who would have guessed that a "progressive liberal person" would turn out to be a humorless killjoy? And here's the kicker: the complainers just don't understand that the whole thing is meant to empower women. No, really.

"Our company is probably the most high-end pet brand in the world," [co-founder Lori] Pacchiano said. "We want to be known for growing from Seattle."

In the process, she said, one of her goals is to reclaim the word in its original meaning, a female dog, as opposed to a derogatory term for a woman.

"Our store is a dog store, but the concept and philosophy is directed specifically toward women," she said.

Uh-huh. And soon, I'll be opening a new pub in Boston called "The Potato-Gulping, Whiskey-Gargling, Baby-Spouting Mick." I'll be sure to let you know how well that goes over.

Old dirty bastard

No, I don't mean the late Wu-Tang Clan rapper. I'm talking about a real-life, honest to goodness old dirty bastard. And, boy, does he ever sound dirty:

An 81-year-old man was charged with possessing child pornography after a flood opened up a hole near a septic tank, revealing videotapes that depicted the man having sex with children decades before, the FBI announced Wednesday.

Walter C. Stevens is charged with one federal count of possessing child pornography, the FBI said. He turned himself in Wednesday after being told he would be charged, FBI agent Deborah McCarley said.

The investigation began in August, when a flood revealed a plastic bag with the tapes. The resident turned them over to the Sierra Vista police, who called in the FBI when the tapes appeared to contain films of an adult man having sex with minors, McCarley said.

The FBI lab in Quantico, Va., enhanced the tapes and confirmed they contained illegal activity, McCarley said Investigators identified Stevens and determined he made the tapes showing him having sex with underage Japanese girls while he lived there between 1965 and 1975, McCarley said. Other tapes allegedly showed Stevens having sex with underage Korean girls between 1975 and 1980 while he lived there and between 1980 and 1986 while he lived in Thailand.

Just another example of why it's a really, really bad idea to videotape yourself while committing crimes.

The article says that if he's convicted, he could face ten years in prison and a lifetime on probation. The dirtbag is 81 years old, so even if he survives ten years in the slammer, I doubt he'll have to worry about that probation for too long.

(Via Fark.)

Check's not in the mail

I've always hated paying bills, but I think I'd shit a brick if I got one like this:

Perhaps his $24 billion electric bill will teach Richard Redden not to leave the heat running. Thanks to a printing error, Redden and more than 1,300 Weatherford utility customers this week received billion-dollar electric bills marked as late notices.

Irving-bases DataProse, which prints customer bills for Weatherford Electric, said the company was embarrassed by the error.

"Obviously, this is not something we are pleased about," said Curtis Nelson, DataProse vice president and general manager.

You don't say.

Fun with Grandma

I always liked spending time with my late grandmothers. That's probably because they were sweet old ladies and not drunken, crazy-ass bitches.

Lincoln police said a 50-year-old woman was charged Tuesday with child abuse and criminal mischief after having her 12-year-old granddaughter drive her to her niece's house, where the grandma broke five windows.

A neighbor told police that Vickie Britton picked up a chair from the front yard of a duplex Monday night and used it to smash five windows, causing about $400 in damage, said Lincoln Police spokeswoman Katherine Finnell.

Finnell said police arrested Britton when she came back to the neighborhood more than an hour later. Police found Britton drunk and belligerent in the car with the 12-year-old behind the wheel, Finnell said.

Baking cookies, reading me stories, buying me toys for Christmas and my birthday. Those are some of the things I remember both of my grandmothers doing. I can't ever remember a single instance when either of them got drunk and had me drive them around on any sort of crime spree. That was more of something we tended to do with my uncle.

Do you take yours black or with cream and Hitler?

Nothing says sweet, sweet sugar like...Hitler?

Small packets of sugar bearing the likeness of Adolf Hitler and carrying Holocaust jokes have been found in some cafes in Croatia, prompting an investigation, the office of the state prosecutor said Monday.

"The local district attorney in (the eastern town of) Pozega has opened an investigation and is currently looking at the matter," said Martina Mihordin.

The Novi List daily newspaper reported that officials at a small factory in Pozega have confirmed the sugar packs were produced on their premises.

The incident will embarrass the government which has been keen to play down the country's past links with Nazism.

Yeah. That's definitely not going to help.

But who would've guessed that something like this could happen in the Balkans, of all places. It's not like they have a history of racial intolerance in that neighborhood, right?

The mummy's curse: loneliness

I sure hope this guy didn't have any pets:

Police called to a Long Island man's house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set.

The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York, resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said Saturday his body was discovered Thursday when they were called to the house over a burst water pipe.

"You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. The home's low humidity had preserved the body.

Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005.

Seriously, you'd think they would've cut off his power after a month or so. Unless he had direct deposit. In that case, I guess the mummy could've watched TV for eternity.

His neighbors just figured he was in the hospital, and that's why they hadn't seen him for more than a year. The sad thing is, I have several neighbors who I wouldn't miss for a similar amount of time.

So that's what he looks like

The guy who runs Hot Chicks with Douchebags is a little peeved about the fact that Jim Treacher was given credit for his blog, so he's posted a picture of a guy that he says could be the mysterious Treach himself.

Huh. Well, I guess we now know where he stands on the whole unicorn issue. And hair gel, too.

I don't remember video games being so strenuous

I'm kind of sore this weekend because I went to occasional commenter and longtime real-world friend Andy's new apartment on Friday night, where we played a bunch of games on his Nintendo Wii. Unlike other video game consoles, the Wii involves a lot of physical activity. We played home run derby a few times, some golf, and bowling. I found the latter to be the most fun, and although he beat me two out of three games (the prize: Respect) I managed to get four strikes in a row in the game I won.

I honestly thought I'd be feeling worse than I did the next day, seeing as how I'm an almost entirely sedentary creature, but I'm only a little sore. All in all, the Wii is pretty fun. Hopefully, in the future, I'll get a little better at the games. It takes some getting used to.

Lucky bastard

I can't ever seem to catch a break on anything, and now I think I know why. This guy is lucky enough for himself, me, and several other people:

An airline pilot from Maplewood won a $25,000 lottery jackpot _ two days in a row. Raymond Snouffer Jr. matched the winning numbers 11-14-23-26-31 to win Saturday's Northstar Cash drawing with odds of about 170,000 to 1, Minnesota Lottery officials said.

On Sunday, Snouffer stuck with 11 and switched to 3-7-19-28 _ and won again.

Meanwhile, I found a penny in the dryer after doing a load of laundry. I'll let you know if that happens again tomorrow.

"It's amazing what vodka does"

Looks like we've got ourselves an Australian practitioner of the Ace of Spades Lifestyle™ here:

A man who caught a 4-foot shark with his bare hands off an Australian beach said on Friday he only tried the feat because he was drunk on vodka.

Phillip Kerkhof was fishing off a jetty at Louth Bay, a town on South Australia state's Eyre Peninsula 870 miles west of Sydney, when he spotted the bronze whaler shark swimming in the shallows, the Australian Broadcasting Corp. reported.

"I just snuck up behind him, and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," Kerkhof said.

"He was just thrashing around in the water … starting to turn around and try to bite me and I thought 'well, it's amazing what vodka does'," Kerkhof said.

There's no word on whether or not any Thai tranny hookers were involved.

Not a good way to get repeat business

A lot of people find buying a car to be a stressful experience, what with all the pushy salesmen and credit checks and financing deals, but most customers don't have to put up with anything like this:

A 73-year-old car dealership owner has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for attacking a customer with a machete.

Robert "Jack" Parker, who must serve five years before he is eligible for parole, was convicted Wednesday of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after a jury deliberated for less than two hours.

According to police, Gerald Davis had purchased a car from Time Auto Sales and went back to the dealership to pick up his license plates. Police said Davis, 53, and Parker began arguing and eventually Parker produced the machete.

Now, Parker's attorney argued that he pulled the machete in self-defense, but I guess the jury didn't buy that. My main question is why someone would have a machete at a car dealership.

Mad love

Though it's early, this story may well be one of the strangest of the year.

To summarize it a little bit: A young woman named Linda Hodge meets an older, extremely wealthy man named Bruce McMahan, with whom she starts a relationship. Several years later, though both are married to other people, they fly to London where the following happens:

"We traveled to London for some business, and during that trip Bruce took me to the Westminster Abbey and we exchanged vows," Linda testified in her deposition.

Besides her testimony, there are the cheek-to-cheek photographs documenting this unusual ceremony.

There is little description in court records of how the couple made their ceremony happen in the very public church on June 23, 2004. Photographs inside the sanctuary are prohibited, so only the two of them would know if there was anything more to it than two well-dressed tourists walking up and performing a little ritual during visiting hours.

They took their photos with the garden of the Little Cloister as a backdrop. In one, they share a chaste kiss.

According to several people close to the litigation, a ceremony at Westminster Abbey made sense because McMahan, they say, is an Anglophile who counts among his heroes Adm. Lord Nelson, the British naval hero who died in the Battle of Trafalgar. Also, McMahan is said to believe that his genes are exemplary and saw in Linda the best match for his own superiority.

Four days after the ceremony, Linda wrote in an e-mail: "You asked me afterwards if I felt different. Near, I don't but at a distance, I do. I am glad about this and feel the insecurities slipping away."

In other e-mails, they began to sign off as "H" and "W," references to husband and wife. In one e-mail, dated June 29, 2004, McMahan wrote: "Miss you W. Think nasty things about you all the time." Linda answered a couple of hours later: "Mmm yeah, nasty is so good. You must have read my mind. What else can we say, we're H & W — that's the beauty."

Okay, so they've become polygamists at this point. That's weird. But the weirder thing is that McMahan turns out to be Hodge's long-lost father.

Weirder still? That would be the fact that Hodge and McMahan started their relationship—their very intimate relationship, if you know what I mean—after a paternity test had confirmed that he was her father, a fact which both of them knew. Beforehand. Yeah.

Read the whole thing. If you feel like getting a serious case of the heebie jeebies, that is.

(Via Fark)

A long way from Gotham

I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like the Joker was sighted in the vicinity:

Three schools in the north Phoenix suburb of Cave Creek were on lockdown for about 45 minutes Wednesday morning after a student at Desert Arroyo Middle School reported seeing a person dressed as Batman run across campus, jump a fence and disappear into the desert, Scottsdale police Sgt. Mark Clark said.

The student described the person as 6 feet 3 inches tall and possibly male.

"We're assuming it was male, although they did have a mask on," Clark said.

Officers combed the desert around the middle school. A nearby elementary school and high school also were on lockdown as officers sought the caped crusader.

The result _ no Batman.

"It's just one of those interesting little stories that we looked into but we couldn't find anyone," Clark said.

Don't you think that maybe—just maybe—this was the product of a somewhat overactive imagination? Sounds that way to me. But if Batman really was around, the lockdown really wasn't necessary—those kids had never been safer.

Filthy, filthy animals

I'm not what you'd call a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but this seems just plain wrong:

Genevieve Chandler has been visiting the Lowry Park Zoo since she was a kid, but the tour she got the other night was definitely not the G-rated fare of her childhood. Among the things Chandler, 30, and her date learned on their "Wild at Heart" zoo tour: Male pigs have a unique corkscrew endowment and impressive, um, output; manatees have orgies and don't really care if their partners are male or female; and a male porcupine has only one four-hour window a year to mate _ very carefully, of course.

Valentine's Day is the time of year when zoos around the nation seek to woo a new adult audience with risque tours that couple champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries and candlelight dining with impressive facts about how animals do the wild thing.

Right. Because what could possibly be more romantic than learning about bisexual manatee orgies?

Tour guides in Tampa warned of possible manatee make-out sessions. But the giant mammals were content to munch on vegetation while the tour group ate a candlelight dinner in front of the zoo's massive aquarium windows.

"Manatees are not particular," Nelson said. "We have only males right now and they don't seem to care."

And people actually pay good money to eat a romantic candlelight dinner in front of that? Sometimes, I'm glad that I'll probably die alone.

The damnedest thing

My neighbors seem to be singing some sort of Chinese barbershop quartet. Huh.

You're never too old to act creepy

You'd think that once women reach a certaain age, they'd get over the bunny boiling thing, but then, you'd be wrong:

A 70-year-old Japanese woman has gone on trial for bombarding a 79-year-old man with over 200 love letters, repeatedly cleaning his family tombstone and breaking a stalking ban, media reported over the weekend.

Prosecutors told a court in Ibaraki prefecture in eastern Japan the defendant had forced her way into the man's home seven times between July and October last year despite being ordered to stay away by police, the Mainichi newspaper reported.

Prosecutors said the woman had sent 206 love letters and cleaned the man's family grave site 85 times. After the prohibition order was issued, she then demanded 1.25 million yen ($10,300) from him for the amount she had paid to get a driver's license to travel to his home and for petrol costs.

That's some chutzpah, right there. And it kind of makes me doubt the purity of her crazy-ass stalker love for the guy, being all petty and calculating and materialistic like that. Stalkers are usually a little more unhinged than that.

Later, she reportedly started sending threatening letters to the man, saying "If it comes down to it, you could die," the paper quoted the indictment as saying.

Now that's more like it.

This sucks

One of my favorite radio hosts, Mr. KABC, is off the air. Apparently, he and the radio station (guess which one) couldn't agree on a new contract. I hope he finds a new gig somewhere here in L.A. sometime soon.

Update: If you want to call on KABC to renew Mr. KABC's contract, call 310-840-4900 or 800-222-KABC.

Some constructive criticism for the adult swim folks

You know, people standing/sitting around looking awkward and gurgling is pretty far from what most people would call "Awesome." But I guess taking one of my comedy heroes and making him unfunny, well, that's...something. Oh, and this kind of sucks, too. Actually, it really sucks.

Huh. I guess none of that was very constructive, but I guess you could chalk that up to having just watched a half hour of total fucking crap.

Comedy or tragedy?

It's hard to decide which category this blog falls in. It's funny, but it infuriates me and makes me sad, all at the same time.

Via Treacher and Ace.

Dumbass wants jail time

I don't have much of a sweet tooth, so I don't eat much chocolate. Nonetheless, this annoys me:

A Dutch journalist asked an Amsterdam court on Friday to convict him for eating chocolate, saying by doing so he was benefiting from child slavery on cocoa farms in Ivory Coast.

Teun van de Keuken, 35, is seeking a jail sentence to raise consumer awareness and force the cocoa and chocolate industry to take tougher measures to stamp out child labour.

"If I am found guilty of this crime, any chocolate consumer can be prosecuted after that. I hope that people would stop buying chocolate and thus hurt the sales of big corporations and make them do something about the problem," van de Keuken said.

You know, there are other ways to raise awareness about this problem. Like, oh, I don't know...maybe writing a detailed expose about child slavery in some sort of periodical. But one would have to be some sort of journalist to make that happen, so I guess getting sent to jail for some phony-baloney crime is the only way to go.

"Sorry, hoss."

Lyle wrecks Teodor's peaceful moment. He wrecks it so badly.