Heartfelt thanks to all you Morons

This has been another great month for my little crapblog, thanks to all of you stopping by. I'm not sure, but this may have been the first time I've ever had more than six hundred visitors three months in a row. A lot of that is thanks to the creation of the Moronosphere, and the thanks for that go to Conservative Belle and doubleplusundead. And I want to give special thanks to the latter for making the mistake of inviting me giving me an opportunity to become a co-blogger over at his place. Hopefully, I haven't driven too many of his readers away.

It's really been an amazing month. Thanks again to everyone!

Update: I just noticed that even though I've been posting over at dpud regularly, I posted more this month than I have since August, 2006. Way to go, me.

What not to wear

People will often tell you to be careful what you wish for. I'm guessing this guy was wishing for attention, and it didn't work out so well for him:

A Connecticut man was arrested over the weekend after he allegedly strolled along a busy interstate wearing nothing but a thong, fake breasts and a wig.

Authorities received several calls over the weekend from motorists reporting that a man was walking alongside I-291 in the unusual attire, the Hartford Courant reported.

An hour-long search turned up David Gebhardt, 42, who was arrested by police fully clothed after they found him collecting cans behind a business in Manchester.

They found the wig and the fake breasts in his car, so I guess he was wearing the thong under his clothes.

He might want to get the ACLU involved with his defense.

Stinking drunk?

There are some situations that you read about and even though it's not directly mentioned, the word "alcohol" comes screaming out at you. This would be one of those situations:

A woman trying to make "manure bombs" using stockings, slipped into a slurry tank and fled the scene naked, German police said Friday.

Two women entered a farm in the northern village of Eberholzen Wednesday evening and started to fill the stockings with manure.

There's just no way that sober, right-thinking people come up with a plan like that.

"One of them slipped into the manure tank, right into the cow muck," said a spokesman for local police. "The other one helped her out. We found their clothes in a field. One seems to have run off completely naked, the other in her underwear."

The cops don't know why the women were making their stink bombs in the first place, but they suspect it may have had something to do with the Euro 2008 soccer semi-finals, where Germany beat Turkey. I tried to warn people back during the last World Cup that nothing good comes from being a soccer fan, but I guess nobody listened.

Nobody ever listens.

What do you call losing a ballgame when the other team can't even get a lousy single?

Oh, that's right, you call it...



That's for damn sure.

BMW: Burning My Wheels

I think just about everybody is fed up with high gas prices, but some of us are apparently dealing with the situation a little better than others:

A German man doused his BMW with gasoline and torched it on Friday in protest at skyrocketing fuel costs, police said. The unemployed 30-year-old man drove the black 1995 BMW 3-series sedan onto the lawn outside Frankfurt's convention center grounds at about 7:30 a.m., police spokesman Karlheinz Wagner said.

He then jumped out, emptied a canister of gas over the vehicle, and set fire to it, Wagner said.

By the time the fire department got to the scene, the car was entirely burned out.

The Bavarian man, whose name was being withheld because he has not been charged with a crime, told police that gas prices were so high he could no longer afford to drive the vehicle.

Well, that's tough and all, but you know what might have been a better move on your part, there, Fritz? Oh, I don't know, maybe selling it?

Justice may be blind, but it's not stupid

I guess this court decision would be ironic except for the fact that everyone could have seen it coming from a mile away:

A New Mexico appeals court on Friday ruled against a Los Alamos man who wanted to change his name to a phrase containing a popular four-letter obscenity.

The man appealed after a state district judge in Bernalillo County refused his request to change his name to "F--- Censorship!"

Judge Nan Nash ruled that the proposed name change was "obscene, offensive and would not comport with common decency."

But don't you see, Judge Nash, that you're just reaffirming the man's brave stance against censorship? No? I guess not.

The man — whose current legal name is Variable — argued on appeal that it was improper government censorship to deny him the name change.

"We do not believe that the district court's action infringes on petitioner's right to free speech," a three-judge panel of the Court of Appeals said in its ruling.

Well, I guess Judge Nash might just have been right, then.

There actually is some real-life irony in this case, though. Bear with me, here.

You see, a few years back, the same court ruled that a person could call himself anything he wants as long as he's not committing fraud or misrepresentation by doing so. But the judges ruled that when that person petitions the courts for a legal name change, "the court has the authority to turn him down on several grounds, including if the name is offensive to common decency and good taste."

And what, might you ask, is ironic about that? Well...

That law was clarified in a 2004 case in the same court that apparently involved the same petitioner. In that case, an Albuquerque man whose name was Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon got the go-ahead from the appeals court to change his name to Variable.

Heh. That's pretty sweet.

Assault with a poultry weapon

It's always cool in martial arts movies when the hero uses whatever he or she has at hand as a weapon, like when Jackie Chan kicks someone else's ass with a broom. But when some douche uses whatever he can find nearby to assault a couple of women? Not so much:

Frederick Duane McKaney, 40, of Ypsilanti, was arraigned Wednesday in 12th District Court in Jackson. He faces two felony assault charges as well as one count of assault and battery and one count of resisting an officer.

Prosecutors said McKaney stabbed his mother in the back of the neck with a fork Monday night.

About an hour later, he hit a woman in the head with a plastic bag of frozen chicken. They had exchanged rude words while he rode his bicycle. She needed five surgical staples to close her wound.

Which leads to the question I'm sure you're all naturally asking yourselves: who the hell rides around on a bike with a big bag of frozen chicken, assaulting people? I mean, other than that guy.

Update: If you wandered over here from dpud's daily Moron round-up (or even if you didn't), please feel free to look around and leave some comments.

Bus stopped

You know, with all the bureaucracy, regulations, anti-prostitution laws, and red tape, it's getting harder and harder for the innovative small businessperson to succeed these days:

A "brothel bus" that detectives said cruised Miami Beach offering lap dances and drinks has taken its last ride, police said on Wednesday.

Riders were offered oral sex for $100, according to Miami Beach police who impounded the limousine bus and arrested its operator early on Sunday.

[...]

Aboard, undercover detectives said they found a fully stocked bar and several young women who stripped down to reveal G-strings stuffed with cash and offered to perform sex acts.

Suspected operator Christine Morteh, 29, was arrested on charges of offering to commit prostitution, transportation for the purpose of prostitution and operating a business without a license. She was released from jail on $5,000 bond.

Now, in spite of the fact that this was all highly illegal, I might praise something catering to the needs of people who actually want to be touched inappropriately by strangers on a bus as an innovative idea. But it's not. It turns out that it's actually a pretty old idea. A pretty old French idea.

Who sez there's no such thing as a free lunch?

While Jack may not make the best tacos in the world, if he wants to give me a couple for free, I think I'll take him up on that.

Mmmmmm...free tacos.

That's several hours of my life I'll never get back

Sorry for the lack of posting tonight, but I just got back from a city council meeting where they talked about a single road project for four and a half hours. I didn't even get to eat dinner until around 11:30.

Good night.

Another unorthodox DUI

Yesterday, it was an Aussie in a wheelchair. Today, it's an Alaskan on a mower:

Alaska State Troopers used lights and sirens to apprehend a North Pole man suspected of driving under the influence after he allegedly led them on a slow-speed chase that covered several lawns.

The 20-year-old man was on a riding mower. Sunday's pursuit lasted about 200 feet and reached speeds of up to 5 mph before a trooper got out of a cruiser and told the man to stop.

Troopers received a call early Sunday complaining of an intoxicated man driving a mower. They said Wyatt Lewis's blood-alcohol content was 0.18 percent, more than twice the legal limit of 0.08 percent.

Now, I'm aware of the fact that drunk people aren't known for coming up with good ideas, but I see stories like this once in a while and wonder, who the hell thinks booze and spinning blades are a good combination?

Oh, right. Dumbasses.

How'd that get there?

I'm not generally the kind of person who enjoys surprises, but I really don't think I'd enjoy a surprise like this one:

A woman in the Western Canadian city of Edmonton, Alberta, discovered the suspicious package on Sunday and took it to her local police station, where officers told her to carefully place it on the lawn.

Police called in the bomb squad, which determined the item was a grenade, still in its packaging and belonging to the Canadian military.

The technicians made sure the package was secure and called military personnel in to dispose of the ordnance.

"It is quite unusual for someone to find a grenade in their backyard, especially one that hasn't been spent," Edmonton police spokeswoman Patrycia Chalupczynska said.

I would hope something like that is unusual. After all, when people begin to find explosives in their yards on a regular basis, that's a sign that something is deeply wrong.

Jailbreak turns into FAILbreak

What do you call it when a criminal's dreams literally come crashing down while trying to bust out of the poky? Oh, I think you know what that's called:

Authorities say an inmate trying to flee a Texas city jail crashed through the ceiling into a police chief's empty office.

Police say 17-year-old Jesus Albert Suarez Chavez and 22-year-old Roman Orozco Martinez tried to escape through air conditioning ducts of the Alton city jail around 3 a.m. Saturday, but had been spotted by a dispatcher monitoring security video.

One of the inmates fell through the ceiling into the office of Police Chief Baldemar Flores. The second inmate was trying to get into the vent.

The article goes on to say that the two are charged with "burglary of a vehicle, evading arrest, resisting arrest, assault on a public servant and making a terrorist threat." They sound charming, no?

DWWI: Driving Wheelchair While Intoxicated

I guess this Aussie is proof that the Ace of Spades Lifestyle™ isn't limited to the able-bodied:

Police in Australia have charged a man for drink driving in a motorized wheelchair after he was found to be six times over the legal alcohol limit, local media reported on Monday.

Police in the tropical northern Queensland city of Cairns said the man had a blood alcohol reading of 0.31, and was so drunk he was asleep at the controls of his motorized wheelchair in a turning lane of a major highway.

"It beggars belief," Police Inspector Bob Walters told the Cairns Post newspaper, adding wheelchairs, bicycles, horses and skateboards were all considered to be vehicles under the state's road laws.

I kind of doubt it would be a very big deal if the dude was drunk, riding his wheelchair down the sidewalk somewhere, but a major highway? Yeah, that's kind of a bad idea.

Bad news

I just heard the news that George Carlin passed away this evening. I didn't always agree with his politics, but he was a damn funny guy. He will be missed.

The Inspirational Mr. Obama

See here for the details.

Things that go bump in the couch

Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you hiding inside your furniture:

Police say a New York man cut a hole in a woman's couch and hid in the carved-out space until she came home. Newburgh police said the woman sat on the couch Wednesday evening and felt a bump in the cushions move.

She jumped up and David Joe Limones emerged from his hiding place, knocking a cell phone out of her hand.

The woman was on the phone with a friend when she entered her apartment because she had filed an earlier complaint against Limones and was worried he might be there. Police said she had asked the friend to stay on the line and call police if something went wrong.

Well, that turns out to have been a pretty good plan, huh?

When officers arrived, they found Limones and the 22-year-old woman arguing on the apartment's balcony.

You mean he went to all that trouble just to argue with her? I'm not saying he should have done something worse to her, it's just that people like that usually do. I'm just saying is all.

Update: Welcome, doubleplusundead readers! Feel free to look around and leave comments.

Oh, just shut the hell up

So Burger King is selling a $200 burger in the UK, made with "Japanese wagyu beef, white truffles, onions fried in Cristal champagne, topped with pink Himalayan rock salt."

Now, I think anybody who's going to drop a chunk of change like that on a hamburger, much less one from Burger King, is a chump. But it's their money, and they can spend it any way they see fit. And if people are willing to drop two bills for a burger, hey, why shouldn't Burger King take advantage of that? Everybody's happy, right?

Wrong:

What's not going down so easily is Burger King's controversial concept of "delicious decadence" during a time of global economic meltdown and worldwide food shortages. Food crisis campaigners view it as the wrong burger at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"To come out with this kind of hugely expensive and over-the-top burger and to have 800 million people going to bed hungry every night is just to shoot yourself in the foot," said Dave Tucker of the organization "War On Want."

Right. Because if it weren't for Burger King serving these burgers, all those hungry people would be dining on wagyu beef and truffles.

Or is it that you're a smug, self-righteous prick who thinks we should all don hairshirts and eat nothing but organic tofu sprinkled with wheat germ because, somehow, in some way which you're never really going to fully explain, living a more "sustainable" (read: miserable) lifestyle is going to help these starving people thousands of miles away?

I'm leaning toward the latter.

Colonic comemmoration

People put up monuments to all kinds of people and things—war heroes, statesmen, Spanish explorers (ahem), battles, animals—but this one has got to be a first:

A monument to the enema, a procedure many people would rather not think about, has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk. The bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, the spa's director said Thursday.

"There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," Alexander Kharchenko told The Associated Press. "An enema is almost a symbol of our region."

The Caucasus Mountains region is known for dozens of spas where enemas with water from mineral springs are routinely administered to treat digestive and other complaints.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know where I won't be taking my next vacation.

Kharchenko, 50, said the monument cost $42,000 and was installed in a square in front of his spa on Wednesday. A banner declaring: "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas" — an allusion to a line from "The Twelve Chairs," a famous Soviet film comedy — was posted on one of the spa's walls.

And yet, there was always a perception in the West that the Soviets were a dour and humorless lot. Well, consider that stereotype busted.

Dank around the dangle

You know how there are those times when something bad happens and you say, "You know, some day, I'll look back at this whole thing and laugh"? Hopefully this guy has that kind of attitude, but somehow, I doubt it.

Getting caught with marijuana by police is bad enough. But the drug arrest of John Christopher Williams, 34, was particularly embarrassing.

Williams has a lengthy criminal record and had failed to show up for court dates more than once, leading to a warrant for his arrest. When police found and arrested him they didn’t find any drugs on him and Williams didn’t say anything.

It was only when he was being checked in to prison that guards discovered nine grams of marijuana wrapped around his penis. Williams says it was all a misunderstanding.

No, a misunderstanding is when you accidentally do something wrong. I can't think of any way—no, scratch that, I don't want to think of any way—a guy could accidentally wrap nine grams worth of weed around his junk.

(Via Fark.)

Parading around in the nude—literally

You know, I'm as big a fan of naked ladies as the next guy, but there are just some situations where that sort of thing is inappropriate. Like, say, at a family-friendly Independence Day parade for instance:

A woman seen frequently in Ashland riding topless on her bicycle says she plans to be in Ashland's Fourth of July parade free and independent of all clothing but a hemp G-string. The Chamber of Commerce says that's contrary to the rules for the family celebration. She says she'll sue if she can't parade as she wishes.

Jen Moss has been known as "The Naked Lady" since she moved to Ashland in May from Ojai, Calif., drawn by the town's nudity laws. They specify only that people must cover their genitalia in a city park or the downtown commercial district, which means Moss need not cover her breasts.

The police in California, she says, harassed her when she rode her bicycle wearing a G-string and pasties.

No, you don't say.

Moss applied for an entry for the parade, which draws thousands each year.

The Ashland Chamber of Commerce learned of her coverage plans from an online posting. She promised to lead in-line skaters "wearing only a hemp G-string and blowing a conch shell."

"We don't feel that someone in the parade who is topless or nearly naked is appropriate for a family audience," said parade chairman James Kidd.

I tend to agree with him, especially since the rules of the parade "clearly indicate that entries must be appropriate for a family audience."

Now, here's where the story takes a turn toward the stupid:

City Council member Eric Navickas said he's on Moss's side.

If she can't be in the parade, Navickas said, it would be "an interesting commentary on our society that we're willing to tolerate dead bodies through our aggressive foreign policy from the war, but not healthy, naked bodies."

You know what I think is an interesting commentary on our society? The fact that even a stupid douche like Eric Navickas can hold elected office.

Anyway, back to the thong-waering attention whore for the last, foolish word:

Moss told the Ashland Daily Tidings in an e-mail that if she can't be nearly naked in the parade, she would "run around near naked protesting their unconstitutional(ism) and un-Americanism." And she said, she would ask the American Civil Liberties Union for help in a lawsuit.

Ah, but of course. And they'll turn it into a big free speech argument, where some skank should have the right to shake her dirty pillows in front of a bunch of kids because the First Amendment clearly gives her the right to express herself any way she sees fit.

The Founding Fathers would be so proud.

What do you call being embarrassed to the tune of 39 points?

Oh yeah, you call that...



Yep, that's definitely what you call it.

This could be fun!

You know, I agree with Vinty that if we're going to have to economize on what we use from AP stories, we'd better find the most important news nuggets we can in the fewest words.

That said, I was shocked by a quote from Obama adviser Richard Clarke which I found in this article:

"I'm[...]disgusted by[...]Americans."

Pretty scathing, huh? I wonder, what could have possibly driven Clarke to such naked hatred of his own countrymen?

(Cross-posted at doubleplusundead.)

Gold rush

I'm not in the habit of telling other people how to do their jobs, but when they make a really, really stupid mistake, like this jewelery store clerk did, I can certainly make an exception to that rule:

[A] man strolled into an Edmonton, Alberta, jeweler and asked to see several rings and necklaces, one after another.

Once he had loaded himself up with thousands of dollars worth of trinkets, he made for the door.

[...]

Allowing customers to weigh themselves down with jewelry is "certainly not something that we would recommend as it didn't turn out so well for this store," Edmonton police spokesman Jeff Wuite said on Tuesday.

Mr. Wuite, on the other hand, is doing a bang-up job, with the added bonus of a talent for understatement. I mean, if I were in his place, I'd be sorely tempted to call the clerk a dumbass, making sure that the press quoted me on that.

Weird tales of the Sitemeter VII

I keep getting hits from Google Images that lead to this post. I guess they're looking for the picture of Jame Gumb. That wouldn't be too weird in and of itself, but it's happening almost daily, attracting people from all over the world. Twice today.

So, welcome, fictional serial killer tranny fans!

Next time, find a hacksaw

If you're a smart person, what would be the last place you'd want to run to after being caught committing a crime? Probably a police station, right? Well, unfortunately for this guy, he's not a smart person:

A man caught breaking into a German supermarket late at night escaped despite being handcuffed to railings -- only to be arrested after he ran to a nearby police station to get the cuffs removed.

"It was stupid of him," said a police spokesman in Frankfurt Monday. "They took the cuffs off, but they kept him."

A security guard had cuffed the man and held three others after spotting the break-in. But by the time officers arrived, the man had managed to escape, police said.

Arriving at the police station, the 19-year-old told officers he had been locked up by a friend as a joke, and asked for their help. The officers at first went along with the ruse, "also laughing at the man's apparent misfortune," police said.

The police, being suspicious people by nature, didn't believe his story and got him to confess what he'd done. Who could have possibly seen that coming?

Well, everyone but him, I guess.

Deja DUI

Why does this story sound so very familiar?

Authorities say they arrested an upstate New York man twice in less than an hour for driving drunk. Oneida County deputies said the man was initially stopped Monday at about 1:26 a.m. near Westmoreland for moving from his lane unsafely.

After he was charged, he was released to another person. Deputies said the man's blood-alcohol level at the time was .25 percent — more than triple the state's legal limit of .08 percent.

About 30 minutes later, deputies spotted the same man's vehicle in Rome and stopped him for failing to keep right.

Oh, that's right. It's because I had a post just last week that was essentially the same story, but in a different state. Weird.

Anyway, it seems some jurisdictions are going to have to rethink their policies on releasing DUI suspects into someone else's care.

(Cross-posted at doubleplusundead.)

Circle the wagons!

I just found an arrow out in the street in front of my place. I suspect the people across the street, seeing as how they're Injuns.

(Okay, actually, they're from India.)

Happy Father's Day

I know there are at least a couple of dads who read this, so I want to say thank you for all the little things you do. It's a tough job, but I understand it's very rewarding.

I would have posted this sooner, but I was sleeping off a food coma induced by the fine folks here, where we took my old man for brunch. A buffet coupled with good beer is a deadly combination.

The worst laid plans

I've never robbed a bank, but I've seen enough movies involving holdups to know that this guy royally screwed up one of the most important parts:

A would-be bank robber was taken down by four civilians and arrested Friday after getting his money but failing to plan his escape, police said.

Police arrested Larry Don Enos, 57, and charged him with aggravated robbery, said Lt. Paul Henderson, a Fort Worth police spokesman.

[...]

The incident began when a man with a handgun walked into a bank and told an employee: "This is a robbery. I want the money from the drive-thru and the money from the cash register." The man was wearing a fake beard, mustache and wig, Henderson said in the online edition of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

After getting the cash, the alleged robber - who apparently took a taxi to the bank robbery, KTVT reported - told the teller to drive him from the bank, but the teller refused, Henderson told The Associated Press.

Okay, first of all, who takes a taxi to rob a bank? If you don't have a car of your own, steal one. Or at least get a friend to drive you. Especially if you've got a gullible friend who's used to seeing you in a wig and a fake beard. Tell them you're going to rehearse a play.

The teller instead tricked the alleged robber, giving him keys and saying they went with a car in the parking lot. They didn't.

Foiled, the man attempted to steal a car from a woman in the ATM drive-thru, but she needed space to pull up. The robber allowed her to pull up, but she just kept driving, Henderson said.

"Smart lady," Henderson said.

The man then tried to steal another woman's car, Henderson said. This woman wanted time to get her children out of the car.

That's when two soldiers and two other bystanders took the man down and detained him until police arrived, Henderson said.

If they gave a Nobel Prize for suckiest getaway, this guy would certainly be a finalist. You almost feel sorry for the guy, he was so inept.

Almost.

If you sniff the pit, they won't acquit

There are some countries (I'm looking at you, Japan) where they seem to put up with all kinds of weird and creepy sexual fetishes and the fetishists who indulge in them. It sounds like Singapore is not really one of those places:

A Singapore man with a penchant for sniffing women's armpits was sentenced to 14 years in jail and 18 strokes of the cane for molesting his victims, a local newspaper reported Friday.

The 36-year-old, who the Straits Times said was mentally unstable, had previous convictions for drug and sex-related offences.

He molested 23 women over the course of 15 months, smelling their armpits and touching them in lifts, staircase landings and their homes, the paper said. He was caught after a housewife reported him to the police.

The court meted out the jail term, normally reserved for hardcore criminals, saying the man was likely to commit crimes again, the paper reported.

Normally, I'd say that sounds unduly harsh, but given his previous sex-related offenses and the fact that he apparently (check out the second to last paragraph there) broke into some of these women's homes to do his thing, it sounds like the dude might be just a tad dangerous.

Your lucky day?

I've never been terribly superstitious, but if you are, there may be good news. It looks like tomorrow won't be such a bad day after all. Well, if you're Dutch, that is:

Dutch statisticians have established that Friday 13th, a date regarded in many countries as inauspicious, is actually safer than an average Friday.

A study published on Thursday by the Dutch Centre for Insurance Statistics (CVS) showed that fewer accidents and reports of fire and theft occur when the 13th of the month falls on a Friday than on other Fridays.

"I find it hard to believe that it is because people are preventatively more careful or just stay home, but statistically speaking, driving is a little bit safer on Friday 13th," CVS statistician Alex Hoen told the Verzekerd insurance magazine.

They found that there were fewer incidences of fire, theft, and traffic accidents on average on Friday the 13th than on other Fridays.

On the other hand, you should be careful on Judas Priest Fridays.

Keep your shirt on

Man, I bet this is a law that the cops prefer to enforce when the perps are female:

For only the third time in five years, Easton [Maryland] police have ticketed someone for going topless in public. Sean Cephus, 18, was cited June 4 when police say he was spotted without a shirt on South Street near Hanson Street. He was also cited for failing to obey a lawful order to stop for police.

A town ordinance adopted in 1974 forbids anyone from going topless in public buildings or on public streets and sidewalks. Possible penalties are a fine of up to $100 and up to 10 days in jail.

The article goes on to say that the police consider shirtless people a "public nuisance." Being a fan of this show, I'm inclined to agree. Shirtlessness seems to be a major cause of crime in this country.

Great job there, guys

Well, the Lakers sure stunk up the second half tonight, blowing a 24 point lead. My brother is predicting riots in downtown L.A. We'll see.

Yeah, you might want to leave that on the ground

I've had a snootfull or two in my day, but I can't imagine being drunk enough to think picking something like this up off the ground was a good idea:

A 22-year-old man was hospitalized in fair condition today as he was being treated for a bite inflicted by a rattle snake that he picked up off the ground at an Inglewood park following an apparent bout of drinking, authorities said.

The man discovered the reptile at Edward Vincent Park, at 700 Warren Lane, late Tuesday night, said Inglewood police Sgt. Juan Ferreira.

"He picked up the snake, and got bit" on the hand, he said.

The victim then placed the reptile in a bucket, the bucket in a bag, and the bag in the trunk of his car, Ferreira said, adding that he tried to drive himself to a hospital but pulled over on the side of the road and called 911.

[...]

Paramedics took him to Centinela Hospital Medical Center, Inglewood police Sgt. Matthew Hart told RMG News.

In telephone conversations, animal control officials and hospital staff asked Inglewood police officers at the scene to determine what kind of snake bit the man.

The officers then took the bucket into which the reptile had been placed out of the victim's trunk and, while one officer held down the snake with a crowbar-type tool, another one used a pocket knife to cut off its head, RMG reported.

Police then took the dead snake to the hospital, where the victim was receiving anti-venom treatment this morning and listed in stable condition, Hart said.

Ferreira said a rattlesnake surfacing at the park was novel.

"It's extremely uncommon. I've been here for 10 years, and have never heard of a rattlesnake being found at one of our parks," he said.

The victim, whose name was not immediately released, had apparently been drinking before coming across the reptile, Hart said.

Hart reminded drunken idiots without a lick of common sense never to try to pick up a snake outdoors. Unless they want to the gene pool a great big favor, that is.

Oops. In my haste to publish this post, I might have messed up that last paragraph just a little bit.

Criminal mastermind tripped up somehow

Sometimes, when the police are investigating a crime, they get a break from some tiny clue, like a tiny hair or a single fingerprint found at the crime scene. But in a case like this one, their jobs are a little easier:

Fandi Pradipta, 18, pleaded guilty Tuesday to using a stolen card at a store in the Fox Run Mall in Newington.

Police said Pradipta made the investigation easier because he had been at the home of the card owner the day before it was reported stolen, then after using the card, he filled out a complete job application — name, address, telephone number.

Normally, I'd write some kind of lame joke here, but what could be funnier than the actual story?

So long, suckers!

Since the whole Crazy Blog Money thing hasn't happened for me yet (I haven't hit the two buck mark on my Google Ads yet—thanks, guys!) I was thinking that I might never get rich off of the internets. Well, that all changed when I opened my e-mail tonight:

Hello.

Am Mr. Vincent, I work with a bank here in Ghana as an
accounting officer. I have just found out that a
foreign customer with us died last year without
leaving a next of kin to his funds and he has no known
family. The bank will keep the funds if it remains
unclaimed which will only favor the bank, so I decided
to look for a foreigner that will agree to inherit the
funds while I prepare grounds for it.

I deem it important to assure you that this is legal
and genuine and will be carried out officially too.
The claim itself is overdue and will be given prompt
attention by the bank upon your payment request while
I抣l give you exclusive details and support from here.
I am ready to give you 25% of the funds for your
support and I also guarantee the safety of your name
and details.

I'll furnish you with more details upon getting your
immediate response.

Thank you.

Vincent A.

Hey, since he says it's "legal and genuine" and "will be carried out officially too," it sounds totally, completely, one hundred percent legit. And besides, what would a reputable banker from Ghana have to gain by lying to me?

I'm finally rich, bitches!

Screwin' in the snow

I realize there may not be a whole hell of a lot to do down in Antarctica during the winter months, but DAYUM!

One of the last shipments to a U.S. research base in Antarctica before the onset of winter darkness was a year's supply of condoms, a New Zealand newspaper reported Monday.

Bill Henriksen, the manager of the McMurdo base station, said nearly 16,500 condoms were delivered last month and would be made available, free of charge, to staff throughout the year to avoid the potential embarrassment of having to buy them.

The base only has a skeleton staff through the long winter.

"Since everybody knows everyone, it becomes a little bit uncomfortable," Henriksen told the Southland Times newspaper.

About 125 scientists and staff are stationed at McMurdo base, the largest community in Antarctica, during the winter months when there is constant darkness.

Once the sun comes up, the article says, it grows to about 1,000 people. Hopefully they'll have enough condoms left for a few of them.

Two-time loser

Getting arrested for a DUI is always bad, but do you know what getting two DUIs in two hours is? Why, that's EPIC FAIL:

A Sheboygan man is behind bars after being arrested twice for drunken driving within two hours early Tuesday. Police say the 24-year-old driver was stopped by an officer about 1:50 a.m. after he was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street in Sheboygan.

The man was arrested, cited for driving drunk and released to his brother about 3 a.m. at the police station.

Police say about 40 minutes later, an officer saw the same man, driving the same vehicle at 20 mph over the 30-mph speed limit.

They didn't just release his drunk ass that second time.

Look, Lord knows I'm all about being a drunken moron—after all, that's a huge part of the Ace of Spades Lifestyle™—but I'm also all about staying out of jail. That's why I always guzzle my Val-U-Rite vodka in the comfort of my own home.

Or on public transportation.

(cross-posted at doubleplusundead)

Pooping out

In 21st century America, you wouldn't think there were people who still prefer to poop outdoors, but you'd be wrong:

An ailing, retired farmer who refused to give up his outhouse after authorities declared it to be a public nuisance finally got a new one.

Elbert "Lew" Preston, 79, stood his ground long enough for a nonprofit group to come to his aid and build him a sturdy new outhouse with a waste tank underneath.

"There she is," Preston said as he showed off the new outbuilding. "She's a lifesaver."

The wooden outhouse, complete with a crescent moon on its door, replaces a 1960s-built version that had run afoul of public health officials in Clermont County, east of Cincinnati. While the old one was over a hole in the ground, this one sits atop a concrete base and a 1,000-gallon tank.

"It's too nice and complicated to be an outhouse," Preston said. "I call it a privy."

Call me an elitist prick if you want to, but am I the only one here who is picturing this guy in overalls and a straw hat, with a corncob pipe dangling from his lips?

Preston, who is slowed by diabetes and has colon problems and pacemaker, said he never saw the need to replace the old outhouse — which once was picked up and carried into his garden by a tornado without major damage.

He said he has used an outside toilet since settling in Washington Township 40 years ago and likes the privacy of a privy.

"When you're in a house, sounds carry," Preston said. "Everybody knows your business."

That may be true, but you'd think a guy with "colon problems" might not want to have to sprint out into the yard every time nature calls.

I'm just saying, is all.

Tag, I'm it!

I've never been involved in one of those blogger meme tag thingers, so I was honored when one of my old-school blogging heroes, Kevin Parrott, decided to include me in this one:

1. choose 19 of the songs you like best, regardless of artist or genre.
2. put them all together in a CD.
3. make 5 other copies.
4. post your playlist on your blog.
5. choose 5 people and send them a copy of your CD each. send the first copy you made to the one who tagged you.

There are a couple of problems with this. First of all, I have no idea who most of my blog friends are. We're like some kind of Bond-villain international criminal syndicate, each of whom prizes their anonymity. Secondly, I'm broke as hell. I'm not sure I can afford to send CDs to a bunch of people. Really, I'm that poor. Finally, my computer burns suck-ass CDs. Once you get above about twelve tracks, they start to get scratchy.

But, you know what? I'm gonna try to do this thing. The people on my list may not get their mix CDs for a while, but this is a matter of honor, and I'll be damned if I break what amounts to an elaborate internet chain letter. Plus, there's probably like a million dollars from Bill Gates in it for me.

Anyway, here's my list, in no particular order:

1. David Bowie - "Ashes to Ashes"
2. New Order - "Touched by the Hand of God"
3. Yo La Tengo - "Tom Courtenay"
4. U2 - "All I Want Is You"
5. The Smiths - "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out"
6. Pavement - "Range Life"
7. The Jesus and Mary Chain - "Just Like Honey"
8. The Shirelles - "Will You Love Me Tomorrow"
9. The Replacements - "Alex Chilton"
10. Happy Mondays - "24 Hour Party People"
11. Ride - "Dreams Burn Down"
12. Isaac Hayes - "Walk on By"
13. The Damned - "Alone Again, Or"
14. The Jimi Hendrix Experience - "Bold as Love"
15. Elvis Costello & The Attractions - "Accidents Will Happen"
16. Joy Division - "Atmosphere"
17. Aztec Camera - "Oblivious"
18. Pulp - "Mile End"
19. The Clash - "Janie Jones"

Here's the list of my victims good, good blogging friends:

1. doubleplusundead
2. maggie katzen
3. see-dubya
4. The Hatemongers Quarterly
5. Muslihoon

If any of you want a mix CD, e-mail me at breacanyonmonument-at-yahoo-dot-com with your mailing address. Those CDs may be a long time coming, but I'll send them out, eventually. If you're taking this seriously, you can contact me at the same e-mail address.

Oh, and by the way, you're not under any obligation to do anything if you were one of the bloggers I mentioned. But you might miss out on Bill Gates' millions!

D-Day

Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force!

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have
striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The
hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you.
In company with our brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on
other Fronts, you will bring about the destruction of the German war
machine, the elimination of Nazi tyranny over the oppressed peoples of
Europe, and security for ourselves in a free world.

Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well
equipped and battle hardened. He will fight savagely.

But this is the year 1944! Much has happened since the Nazi triumphs of
1940-41. The United Nations have inflicted upon the Germans great defeats,
in open battle, man-to-man. Our air offensive has seriously reduced their
strength in the air and their capacity to wage war on the ground. Our Home
Fronts have given us an overwhelming superiority in weapons and munitions
of war, and placed at our disposal great reserves of trained fighting men.
The tide has turned! The free men of the world are marching together to
Victory!

I have full confidence in your courage and devotion to duty and skill in
battle. We will accept nothing less than full Victory!

Good luck! And let us beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great
and noble undertaking.

SIGNED: Dwight D. Eisenhower

(Ike's message found here. More here.)

Voters: "Un-legalize it"

Hmmmmm...do you think maybe all the stoners forgot about the election?

Mendocino County's reputation as a marijuana haven of California may be going up in smoke.

Voters on Tuesday leaned toward repealing a law allowing home marijuana growing, according to preliminary results of a ballot measure vote released on Wednesday.

Critics say a cottage industry had grown out of control.

California in 1996 voted to allow possession and cultivation by residents of marijuana for medical purposes, despite federal law which declares it illegal.

Mendocino, a rural county north San Francisco, in 2000 approved marijuana cultivation for recreational use as well, voting to let residents grow up to 25 marijuana plants, compared with the state limit of six.

With about a third of the vote counted, 52 percent supported repeal, the county clerk said. The tally may not be complete for up to four weeks.

"We thought Ma and Pa growers would be able to grow a little bit," said Dave Bengston, the county's agricultural commissioner, who supported the repeal. "The legalization of marijuana sent a message to organized crime that they could set up shop here, and we got people with automatic weapons growing marijuana in large quantities."

Gee, I guess nobody could've seen that coming. I mean, who would have guessed that a law that basically amounted to putting up a sign at the county line reading, "Please come and grow a lot of weed here without any legal consequences," might attract a somewhat shady element?

Look, I know people who grew marijuana for sale back in college, none of them grew anywhere near 25 plants at a time, and they still managed to sell a lot of weed at a tidy profit. Nobody needs 25 plants for their own personal use. Trust me. Those people who sold the stuff used plenty of it themselves, and I don't think any of them grew more than nine or ten plants at a time, max.

(cross-posted at doubleplusundead)

Who knew?

Now batting, playing Third Base, The Lizard King.

Presented without context

Seventeen-year-old senior Erin Cummings says it was upsetting to see her classmates' hard work turned into a huge penis even though many other students thought it was hilarious.

Man, I hate it when that happens, don't you?

(Cross-posted at doubleplusundead)

Fired up about gas prices

I'm not super happy about the price of gas these days, but I'm not about to do something this mind-numbingly stupid about it:

A Danville [California] woman faces arson charges after she allegedly set fires at two gas stations and a coffee house, saying she was protesting high gas prices.

The woman, 64, remained Thursday in a Contra Costa jail on $810,000 bail on suspicion of premeditated arson and burglary.

Police say the woman used a fireplace log and a lighter to set fires in the restrooms of an Arco station, a Chevron station and a Starbucks on Wednesday. No structural damage was reported at the locations.

Police later found the woman at a nearby fast food restaurant with eight fireplace logs with her. She told officers that she was behind the fires and said she woke up that morning wanting to do something about high gas prices.

So, why not bitch to your Congressman about the fact that we're not drilling for oil off the coast or in ANWR, or getting a piece of posterboard and some markers and carrying a sign that says "Honk if you hate high gas prices" instead of lighting fires at gas stations? Because, last time I checked, fire and gasoline really weren't two great tastes that go great together. Dumbass.

Oh, and they don't know why she set the fire at the Starbucks, either. I guess maybe she felt the price for a latte was a wee bit too steep.

Blogging jumps the shark

You know those "need a moment?" Twix commercials, the ones where a guy says something insensitive and is saved by cramming his piehole full of a candy bar? Well, I just saw one that went something like this:

Hot Politically-Active Chick: "Don't you love protesting?"

Average-Looking Guy With Twix: "Yeah, it's great. Wanna go to my place?"

HPAC: [shocked] "What?"

[ALGWT stuffs mouth with Twix while announcer asks "Need a moment?" and comes up with a plan.]

ALGWT: "Well, I thought you were passionate about the cause and would want to blog about the issues."

HPAC: "I love blogging."

[ALGWT and HPAC exit together, presumably to blog and engage in a little slap and tickle.]

Good God.

The lap of luxury

Man, something is really wrong with the world when this guy is living better than I am in a third world hoosegow:

With a plasma TV, a DVD player, $172,000 in cash, gym equipment, two refrigerators and a couple of guns, Genilson Lino da Silva had everything he needed for a luxurious life -- in his Brazilian prison cell.

It came to an end on Monday when his cell, which also contained a king-sized bed, was raided in a police operation against drug traffickers in the northern city of Salvador.

"He was alone in all that comfort. It wasn't very big but the other cells had several prisoners in them," a spokesman for Bahian state authorities said on Tuesday.

Officials said Da Silva, also known by his nickname "Leg," was serving time as the biggest drug trafficker in Bahia state. He was reported as saying the money in his cell was from old robberies and gambling in prison.

"We will investigate if the leaders of the prison were conniving in this," Paulo Gomes, a state prosecutor, told reporters.

You have to investigate? The dude had close to two hundred grand an a couple of guns in his fucking prison cell. There might just be something fishy going on in that prison, Paulo. Maybe.

You know what else might indicate that the officials there might be a wee bit crooked? Maybe the fact that outside cops had to raid the guy's fucking prison cell.

Second banana?

Well, the Associated Press is reporting that she's interested. But with all the crap that she and Baracky have flung at one another over the course of the primaries, could it really work? Time will tell, I guess.

Practical joke literally comes back to bite man in the ass

Smarter and sillier-dressed people than I, like ancient Greeks and college drama professors, have come up with complex theories about what constitutes tragedy and comedy. I think I can break the two down into slightly more simple formulations. Tragedy is when bad things happen to good people, whereas comedy is when bad things happen to stupid people:

Utrecht police say a 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering after a "mooning" that went horribly wrong.

A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Utrecht with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke."

It says that at one point the 21-year-old "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere."

The statement released Tuesday says police detained the three men after the incident Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window.

That's really too bad. Because this was clearly a case where insult was just begging to be added to injury.

Big Moron-related news

Moronosphere caretaker doubleplusundead has started inviting guest bloggers to post there, and for some reason, he saw fit to ask me if I wanted to join up. How could I say no to an opportunity like that? So, in addition to ignoring what I write here, you can now ignore me over there, too.

Everybody wins!

A likely story

Some people are excellent at thinking on their feet during crisis situations. This guy, not so much:

Police in Iowa say a man caught with a large quantity of marijuana claimed all he had in mind was recycling.

A complaint by the Johnson County Sheriff's Office says the 30-year-old man told police in Iowa City that he planned to turn several large bags of marijuana into compost.

Officers report the bags he had when he was arrested early Saturday held a "gallon" or more of marijuana each.

For some reason, the cops didn't believe this conscientious environmentalist's story. Which is a shame, since it sounds like he was doing his damnedest to reduce his carbon footprint. After all, a compost heap is probably a lot more emissions-neutral than a bong.

(h/t: maggie)

Worst. Getaway. Ever.

Boy, I bet in the criminal world, it's probably pretty damn embarrassing when you get taken down by such an easy mark. Not to mention his wheelchair-bound friend:

A 21-year-old robbery suspect was jailed in Luzerne County thanks to the efforts of the 71-year-old victim and his friend in a wheelchair.

Harry Kopenis, said he went to an ATM at a bank near his Kingston home Monday morning and withdrew $100 when a woman came out of nowhere, knocked him down and stole the money. The woman fled.

His neighbor, Kevin Lamb, was nearby in his electric wheelchair and both men chased her. Lamb said Kopenis got the woman in a headlock and grabbed the squirming woman.

How slow do you have to be to get caught by a septuagenarian and a dude riding a rascal? I mean, was she crawling away from them or something?

Talkin' old-timey baseball

The L.A. Times had a fascinating article today about a 1924 exhibition game featuring Babe Ruth and Walter Johnson that was played just down the road from where I live (and down the road from this blog's namesake, too). I knew Johnson grew up in Brea, but I had no idea he and Ruth ever played a game anywhere around here. Read the whole thing.