Srsly

Um, dude, your doin it rong:

A man who said he wanted to rob a FedEx Kinko's store Tuesday morning handed over a note and then waited outside for police to arrive, officers said.

Portland police officers were called to the FedEx store on Southwest Barbur and Terwiliger boulevards just before 9 a.m.

Paul Rhoney, an employee at the store, said officers showed up within six minutes after the man handed over the note.

According to Rhoney, the note said, "This is a robbery, I'll wait outside for police, sorry."

I don't know much about robbing a FedEx guy (or anybody else, for that matter) but, this seems like the wrong way to go about it.

Or was it? He may have had an ingenious plan...

Police identified the man as 46-year-old Thomas Decker.

Wheat said no robbery charges will be filed because Decker did not have a weapon and didn't carry out the robbery. Police believe he simply wanted to go to jail.

If you fail at going to jail on purpose, is there anything below that?

Oh, wait. Dude. When they don't take you to jail, they can't confiscate your shoelaces, can they?

Might I suggest a troll sanctuary?

This is an idea so asinine that it could only have come from the highly-educated idiots at my Alma Mater:

The architects behind a graduate school project to conceive uses for the eastern half of San Francisco's Bay Bridge say the idea driving the project is valid.

Frederic Schwartz, a New York architect who served as the Joseph Esherick visiting professor in architecture at the University of California Berkeley campus' College of Environmental Design, said the semester-long graduate project was based in the idea that the bridge should be converted to a useful structure rather than demolished after its scheduled replacement in 2013, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Tuesday.

"There's no reason it can't be transformed into something wondrous, a fusion of nature and the machine," Schwartz said.

The projects developed by the students include a working farm, a hotel and a park sitting atop housing units.

Yeah, those projects all sound great, but...

A) An expert for the California Department of Transportation goes on to note that the bridge is seismically obsolete, which doesn't make it the kind of place where I'd like to hold a picnic, much less vacation, much much much less where I'd like to live, considering that a huge earthquake could send me and all of my stuff tumbling into the San Francisco Bay.

and

B) The same expert goes on to note that the level of money that the state would have to spend on maintenance for a project like that would be "enormous," and we're...um...kinda, well...FUCKING BROKE!

You geniuses might want to put your minds to ways in which the state can sell the fucker for scrap or recycle it for new highway projects, instead of sitting around and doing circle-jerk brainstorming sessions like this.

He was found wearing a tattered pair of Bad Idea Jeans

See, this is pretty much why the words "pet" and "tiger" aren't generally used in the same sentence:

A Canadian man who kept exotic cats behind his farmhouse was mauled to death by his 650-pound pet tiger, police said on Monday.

Norman Buwalda, a 66-year-old collector of wild animals, was found dead in the tiger's pen on Sunday afternoon at the property in western Ontario,

"The owner of some exotic animals went out to feed the tiger which was in a cage or large pen and the animal attacked him and killed him," said Troy Carlson, a constable for the Ontario Provincial Police who attended to the incident.

He said Buwalda's family and officials of nearby Southwold township would decide what to do with the tiger.

I'm guessing that hitting it on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper and yelling "BAD TIGER!" isn't an option. At least I hope not.

Since it's Friday night...

...and blah, blah, blah, so here's Jessica Simpson in a rather patriotic ensemble...

See, it's like the peace symbol button and "Born To Kill" on Private Joker's uniform in "Full Metal Jacket." Except Private Joker didn't have nice tits.

The fast and the furious

Everybody hates getting a speeding ticket, but probably not nearly as much as this guy:

A Swiss court has fined a multimillionaire a record $290,000 for speeding through a village at 85 mph in his red Ferrari Testarossa, news outlets in Switzerland report.

The fine is based on the unidentified speeder's wealth and his previous fast offenses. Swiss voters approved a penalty system that replaces prison for such crimes as speeding with "day fines" based on wealth — in this case $22.7 million.

[...]

Swiss news media reported that the man owns a villa with five luxury cars, including the Ferrari.

Yeah, well I guess it sure sucks to be him, huh?

No shirt, no shoes, no rampages

Sometimes, it's best to just go along with store policy. This would be one of those times:

Kansas City police said the woman, whose actions were caught on camera Dec. 27, complained about her hamburger and became angry when workers told her they could make a new sandwich but not give a cash refund, The Kansas City (Mo.) Star reported Wednesday.

Police said the woman broke a glass water dispenser by throwing it over the counter and shoved three cash registers from a counter, destroying a touch screen.

The cops haven't found her yet, but it should be hilarious when they do. They can ask if she wants fries or her right to remain silent with that.

Jeepers creepers!

With plenty of emphasis on the creepers part:

Ophthalmologists at St. James's University Hospital in Leeds, England, used high magnification lenses to find out what made the man's eye red, watery and light-sensitive, according to a study reported in the British medical journal The Lancet on Thursday.

They discovered hair-like projections stuck in the man's cornea.

It was a light bulb moment for the patient, who remembered that three weeks earlier he had been cleaning a stubborn stain on the glass tank of his pet, a Chilean Rose tarantula.

"He sensed movement in the terrarium. He turned his head and found that the tarantula, which was in close proximity, had released 'a mist of hairs' which hit his eyes and face," the doctors wrote.

They said the man's condition was rare.

I should hope so. Getting sprayed in the eyes with tarantula hairs shouldn't be something that happens every day. Not outside of remote parts of the jungle, anyway. And, really, even there, that should only happen every other week or so.

RIP

Angels broadcaster Rory Markas passed away last night. He was only 54.

Nice work if you can get it

This was a contest? Really?

A New York man said he plans to distribute most of his winnings from spending 48 hours in a recliner at a restaurant to his friends and family.

Champion couch potato Jorge Cruz, 26, sat and snacked in a recliner at the ESPN Zone in Times Square for two full days, beating the previous record for the annual event by 19 hours, the New York Daily News reported Monday.

Cruz and his three opponents in the competition sat down at 11 a.m. on New Year's Day and were allowed hourly stretches with bathroom breaks occurring once every 8 hours.

"They'll bring me free food to sit here and watch sports? I thought, 'Sounds like a win-win,'" Cruz said. "I come here all the time anyway."

I thought you had to run a certain distance, smoke a bunch of cigarettes at once, eat a record number of hot dogs, or finish a bunch of beers without passing out or puking in order to win stuff. Or all of those combined.

If I had known that sitting around and doing nothing was good enough, well, I still probably wouldn't have done anything.

I'm a lazy, lazy man. Seriously, if I wasn't so lazy, I could have found out about this "contest."

Since it's New Year's Day...

...yeah, whatever, here's some Catherine Zeta-Jones side-boob...

Michael Douglas sure is a lucky sonofabitch.

Goodbye, 2009

Well, that wasn't exactly a great year, was it? Well...

Happy New Year, Kim Jong Il!

What do you get for the delusional despot who has everything? Well, how about the destruction of an imaginary structure?

North Korea's New Year's wish of seeing the destruction of a massive concrete wall dividing the Korean peninsula never seems to come true -- mostly because there is no such barrier.

Mentioning the wall by the North has been an odd New Year tradition begun by state founder Kim Il-sung and kept alive by a fawning propaganda machine that dares not correct a person revered as a deity. Kim died 15 years ago and is considered the state's "eternal president."

The Korean peninsula is divided by a 4-km wide Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) with razor wire fences on the North and South side, but with no huge, concrete barrier as claimed by the North.

But that did not stop North Korea's ruling party newspaper on Wednesday from coming out with its demand that the wall be demolished because "it runs diametrically counter to the desire and demand of the nation and the trend of the times."

In related news, a local demolition firm founded by a family of leprechauns, a unicorn, the Ghost of Christmas Past, several executives from companies involved in the development of herbal penis-enlargement remedies, and Sasquatch have provided Kim with "a very reasonable estimate" for work on the project.

I wouldn't have known just what to do

Apparently, calling Animal Control (which is probably what I would have done in a situation like this) is the wrong move:

A Georgia man said he knew just what to do when a wounded deer stumbled onto his property: He ran outside in boxers and flip-flops to kill it with a stick.

See, that probably wouldn't have occurred to me.

Joel Borden, whose friends gave him the nickname "Country" shortly after he moved to Clarksville from the considerably smaller town of Savannah, said the deer stumbled into his yard with a gunshot wound in its neck Saturday morning, Gannett Tennessee reported Tuesday.

Um, I have a feeling that his nickname comes from a little more than his small town roots.

911 is a joke

Well, it's not supposed to be a joke, but...

According to the Boston Herald, on December 26, 2009, an angry mom called the 911 dispatcher and asked to have police sent to her house to get her son to quit playing video games. She also told police he kept getting up turning on the lights.

In another odd 911 call, a Kerrville, Texas woman reportedly called 911 in December 2009 to complain that her husband refused to eat dinner. The Kerrville authorities have indicated that the same woman called 911 numerous times in the past months to tell them she could not find items of clothing and to complain about random things.

Meanwhile, various useful structures burned down and several kittens remained tragically stuck up in trees.

Have a Merry X-Mas!

Click for bigger. And be sure to be Merry.

The solution is obvious

If the squirrels are eating all of your Chrimmas lights but the red ones, why not just string up a bunch of red lights?

Gray squirrels gobbling up outdoor LED Christmas lights are confounding officials in the eastern Canadian city of Fredericton, New Brunswick.

Bruce McCormack, general manager of a business improvement group told the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. this is the fourth year the rodents are feasting on the lights, although he says they're particular.

"They'll come out … and they go up and they perch themselves in that tree and they gnaw away at the lights -- but not the red ones," he said. "The squirrels, I think, are getting the better of us."

When the squirrels are getting the better of you, it's probably time to sit down and think seriously about where things went wrong. I mean, if the apes outsmart you, that's one thing, but squirrels?

Oh, wait. These are Canadians we're talking about...

The most wonderful time of the year

This year, it just got a little more wonderful, seeing as how, for the first time, I did 100% of my Christmas shopping online. I didn't go to a single store, I didn't wait for a even a minute in line, or have to jockey for a parking space.

I love you, Amazon Prime.

Since it's Friday night...

...and blah, blah, blah, here's Evangeline Lilly, about to fall off a chair:

Seriously, while you look really hot, it looks like you're about to break your tailbone.

I like a good grilled cheese sammich...

...just not quite this much:

Melt Bar & Grilled is running a promotion for customers willing to show their love of grilled cheese sandwiches.

The Detroit Avenue restaurant is offering a 25% discount to anyone who gets a grilled cheese sandwich tattoo. "We ask people to take our core logo and kinda change it around, make it something personal to them," said owner Matt Fish.

You'd think that for showing that level of commitment, you'd get something more than a measly 25% discount.

The tattoo promotion will continue indefinitely and the discounts are good for life.

Yeah, and it's not like restaurants ever close or anything. Then, for the rest of your life, you're explaining to everyone how you ended up with a tattoo of a sammich. And how, no, you weren't drunk at the time.

Not-so-cheap thrills

Many of the ways in which people try to get thrills are things that I consider pretty bad ideas. But even things like bungee jumping and skydiving seem like bright ideas compared to this:

Police in Wisconsin said a well-off couple arrested for shoplifting at a busy department store told officers they committed the crime for the excitement.

Wauwatosa police said the couple, a 39-year-old doctor and his 30-year-old wife shopping at the Mayfair Mall with their two young children, concealed more than $1,500 worth of items in bags from other stores, the stroller carrying the children and the woman's purse Saturday evening, Wauwatosa NOW reported Wednesday.

The not-so-good doctor told the cops that he makes around $150,000 per year and that he and his wife made a "game" out of shoplifting, trying to see how much loot they could get away with. You know what I've heard is a fun game? Setting a good example for your young children by not going to jail. Then again, I'm kind of an old-fashioned guy, so what do I know?

Young man, we need to have a serious discusssion

Just not, you know, over the phone...

Ted Estarija was expecting his cell phone bill to be higher this month after adding his Fremont son to his plan, but not by nearly $22,000.

"When I saw my Verizon bill, I was like, 'Wow!'" he said.

The Hayward resident said his monthly bill is normally $93.79. But somehow, over a month's time, his 13-year-old son managed to run up almost $22,000 in data usage charges — $21,917.59 to be exact.

Um, if someone ran up that kind of tab on my cell phone account, I think I'd have something a bit more harsh to say than "Wow!" There would be at least a blasphemy or two.

Oh, and you'll be happy to know that the phone company credited his account for the full amount that his son ran up and that said son is resting comfortably in a coma.

Wouldn't it be easier to take them off the streets?

Well, I guess that's one of the last places the cops would expect you to steal from...

A man pleaded not guilty in New York to stealing three vehicles from a police impound lot and selling them for scrap.

The District Attorney's Office in New York's Queens borough said Carmine Antonelle, 61, of Selden, N.Y., allegedly used his tow truck to take a 1991 Volvo and 1995 Dodge Caravan from a New York Police Department Narcotics impound lot in Queens, the New York Post reported Monday.

Seeing as how that's the kind of thing that's pretty hard to miss, it sounds like that impound lot needs to hire some new guards.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I just can't be bothered to find anything funny or strange, how about a picture of Allyson Hannigan lounging on the grass?

Um, the zipper on your jacket seems to have come undone...

Whatever happened to stamps and coins?

People collect all kinds of things, but this is something I've never heard of:

A man who said he spent two decades collecting Ecstasy pills of all colors and shapes as a hobby has turned to police for help after they were stolen — because he said some of them are poisonous.

Police say the 46-year-old man, who was not identified, decided to report the theft despite the illegal nature of the collection because he was worried about the possible consequences if anybody were to swallow one of the poisoned pills.

It was not immediately clear why about 40 red-and-white pills out of the 2,400-pill-strong collection would be poisoned, but the police said they fear the drugs could be lethal if swallowed.

See, if he had a coin collection that was stolen, lethality wouldn't be a problem. Unless some of them had razor-sharp edges. Or if his collection included one of these. That could tip over and crush someone.

Dude looks like a lady (but not quite enough, apparently)

Sounds like someone's seen a few too many screwball comedies:

Dressed in his mother's clothes and flashing her driver’s license, a Somerset County man is accused of trying to withdraw $700 from the woman's bank account, police said today.

Tita Nyambi, 25, of Crown Road in Franklin, is accused of multiple offenses, including third-degree forgery and attempted theft by deception for the incident that occurred Monday at Chase Bank in Franklin, according to court papers.

[...]

Nyambi pulled into the bank’s drive-thru lane on Elizabeth Avenue at 1:22 p.m., Sgt. Philip Rizzo said. He was wearing his mother’s pink blouse, her black coat and head scarf and tried to speak in a high-pitched voice, according to the affidavit Detective Brian Stillwell filed in Superior Court.

His one mistake was that he failed to wear her glasses. No disguise is complete without glasses. Fools 'em every time.

Heist of the century

See, the genius here is how they managed to get into the place by tricking the cops into arresting them on an unrelated charge:

A Kentucky man is facing charges for allegedly stealing candy, a police hat and a two hypodermic needles from an Ohio police headquarters, officials said.

Derek Kidd, 32, and his girlfriend were allowed inside the Middletown Police Department's detectives area Dec. 2 to make a phone call after having been released 45 minutes earlier on charges of disorderly conduct in an unrelated incident, the Middletown Journal reported last week.

While his girlfriend placed the call, Kidd allegedly stole the items, the police report said.

Kidd tried to conceal the police cap under his own cap, Maj. Mark Hoffman said.

Boy, the police in Middletown must be a bunch of super sleuths, foiling a criminal mastermind like that!

Stick to ex-girlfriends, dude

Sure, it may be tough to remember seven or more digits when you're trashed, but drunk-dialing 411 or 0 would probably get you in a little less trouble:

[Robert] Zettwoch, 57, had called Murfreesboro Police dispatch a total of 47 times since September 2008, according to MPD officer Mark Moghaddam.
The officer was dispatched to Zettwoch’s home after emergency services personnel arrived and found him drunk, but not in need of medical attention.

“Mr. Zettwoch was intoxicated and had been drinking vodka,” Moghaddam reported, adding that Zettwoch admitted he was drinking.

When Moghaddam asked Zettwoch why he had called police, he replied that he didn’t know, according to the report.

“I’m just drunk,” Zettwoch reportedly said to the officer.

I wonder who he called when they got him to jail.

Since it's Friday night...

...and it's easier to download a photo of a sexy woman than to come up with jokes, here's a photo of supermodel Marisa Miller:

Hey there, what are you listening to?

Overdoing it

Um, you might just be doing that.

Um...

...you're an idiot, professor:

A Canadian researcher said he had to cancel a pornography study because he could not find any adult men who had never viewed sexually explicit material.

Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse of the University of Montreal said he had to drastically alter his study on how pornography impacts the sexuality of men due to the limitations he discovered in finding volunteers, The Sun (Britain) reported Wednesday.

You might as well spend your money on time travel, seeing as how pretty much every man EVAR since the invention of photography has seen sexually explicit material.

Oh, God, Think of THE CHILDREN!!!!!!

What do you want to bet a whole bunch of taxpayer money got spent on this?

Beverage can tops are still finding their way into the stomachs of some children, especially teens, despite being redesigned in the 1970s to keep people from swallowing them, U.S. researchers said on Monday.

A 16-year study at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center found 19 children had swallowed the safety tabs, which are designed to fold back but stay attached to cans for soda and other beverages.

Why, that averages out to like a whole 1.1875 kids per year (can you even actually have 1.1875 whole kids?) that swallow one of those tabs! Nearly ONE AND A QUARTER of them!!! But not quite.

I'm pretty sure a ban is in order.

Great news, sports fans!

The Dodgers have announced that they've signed legendary announcer Vin Scully for his 61st season in the booth, which is a record for all sports broadcasters:

Scully just celebrated birthday #82 Sunday and he shows no signs of slowing down.

When Scully first called a Dodgers game, the team was in Brooklyn, Harry Truman was president, gas cost $.27 cents a gallon and minimum wage was $.75 an hour.

There was a game I was listening to sometime during the last season or two where he actually mentioned a childhood memory of seeing dead horses on the side of the road in New York City, and yet, here he is in L.A. six decades after beginning his career, still the best baseball broadcaster in the business. I hope he's here for another decade or two, though he says he'll "take it year-to-year" after the coming season.

I hate Christmas shopping as much as the next guy...

...but, dude...

Officers went to the store about 5:15 p.m. Saturday to find a bloody-faced Eberle brandishing the hammer. Customers were streaming out the front doors, according to police reports.

A witness said Eberle smashed televisions while saying “hammer, hammer, hammer” in a monotone voice. Another witness said he “had a glazed look in his eyes and was walking like Frankenstein,” reports said.

Aside from going on a rampage like that—which was in pretty poor taste to begin with—the whole "Frankenstein" thing isn't very seasonable. Halloween was last month.

Oh, and Frankenstein was the scientist, not the monster. How exactly do you walk like a scientist?

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'm still suffering from a turkey hangover, here's a pic of Jennifer Love Hewitt:

Those are some nice, um, pits you've got there, Jen.

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone is able to spend this day with friends and family, fighting over the remote, sniping at each other about the proper way to prepare various side dishes, and eventually sitting down to a pleasant meal and sharing the things that they're truly thankful for.

Should have known better

Well, this is fun:

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration said Joseph Imperato, 53, a lawyer in the Miami-Dade County public defender's office, was accused of selling a total 45 tablets of the powerful painkiller to the undercover police detective on two occasions this month, The Miami Herald reported Tuesday.

Investigators allege Imperato took a total $700 from the detective for the pills.

The article goes on to say that he "may" be suspended from the Public Defender's office because of this.

"May?"

Stay in school, kids

You probably shouldn't ditch school to rob a bank, but if you feel like you absolutely have to, you might not want to do so in quite such an ironic fashion:

A local 17-year-old boy skipped school on Thursday to rob a bank –– but the police said his misspelled note to the teller led to his arrest that afternoon.

Capt. Sean Collins said the teen walked into the Coastway Community Bank branch at 2089 Warwick Ave. Thursday morning and handed a note to the teller. The handwritten note, riddled with misspelled words, demanded money or “everyone will be shot,” Collins said.

Oh, and you also might not want to leave your fingerprints on the note you used to rob the bank. Or appear clearly on the bank's security cameras.

Stanfurd sucks!

Cal wins the 112th Big Game 34-28 and The Axe stays where it belongs.

Since it's Friday night...

...and the people visiting here are more than likely from The Hostages...

Um, yeah.

Excuse me?

I don't know a whole lot about robbing a store, but I'm sure speaking clearly helps:

Volusia County sheriff's deputies said Carlie McDuffie, 24, walked into a Family Dollar store and told an employee to hand over money from the register in a quiet voice that the clerk either didn't hear or didn't understand, the Orlando Sentinel reported Thursday.

Sheriff's spokesman Brandon Haught said the 34-year-old clerk asked McDuffie what he needed and the suspect repeated the demand in the same whispered tone. The clerk again asked what he needed, and McDuffie said "forget it" and left the store, Haught said.

The cops arrested him half an hour later after the clerk realized that he was trying to rob the place, but I think he has a decent defense. I mean, how can the clerk testify that he was trying to rob the place when he or she couldn't initially figure out what was going on?

Wow, he gets great gas mileage!

Nine hours and four hundred miles without stopping? That's amazing!

In this economy...

...it's tough to make a living. Especially when you're working as a door-to-door salesman:

A 19-year-old Brownsville man is jailed on a drug charge after he allegedly went door-to-door trying to sell marijuana. A Brownsville police spokesman says Anthony Carrazco's alleged scheme went awry when he knocked on a police officer's apartment door.

Spokesman Jimmy Manrrique says the episode happened Thursday downtown near the University of Texas-Texas Southmost College campus. He says Carrazco appeared to be intoxicated and allegedly had three ounces of marijuana with him that he tried to sell door-to-door. Finally, Carrazco knocked on the off-duty police officer's door. The officer "said he would be right back and went to get his badge and handcuffs."

Well, I guess Carrazco probably would have been able to pawn the badge and handcuffs for a few bucks, but I think he was actually looking for cash upfront for the weed. I'm pretty sure that's how those transactions usually work.

Oh, wait...

Raise the threat level!

Okay, so this is incredibly stupid...

Officials at a Massachusetts high school that banned the word "meep" have been receiving e-mailed complaints about the move, police said.

Danvers Police Sgt. Robert Bettencourt said officials from Danvers High School have sent him carbon copies of six e-mails complaining about the decision to ban "meep," a word popularized by Beaker from "The Muppet Show," the Boston Herald reported Monday.

And why did they feel the need to generate this pointless, relatively tiny (ooh, six whole e-mails!) controversy?

Principal Thomas Murray said the ban was put in place because of a plan posted to Facebook for a major disruption involving the word "meep."

Oh, God! It's like Columbine all over again!

Since it's Friday night...

...and whoever is actually here is looking for some hotassery, here's Eliza Dushku...

I tried to find a version of this where her hands weren't cropped out, but I got tired.

If, at first you don't succeed...

...you know the rest:

Manjit Singh, a 59-year-old security consultant from Leicester, England known as the "Ironman," on Thursday pulled a double-decker bus weighing more than eight metric tons over a distance of 21.2 meters with his hair.

The new record was set in central London to coincide with the fifth annual Guinness World Records Day, which organizers said prompted thousands of people around the world to set some bizarre benchmarks of their own.

For Singh, his latest achievement makes up for the disappointment of 2007, when he failed to break the record for the furthest distance to pull a double-decker bus with the ears.

"I will never be discouraged by defeat, because I know that success can be waiting around the next corner," he said. "The only way to get there is to try again and stay positive."

That's a wonderfully positive attitude, but you might want to reflect on the idea that you didn't wind up having "the ears" ripped off your head a couple of years ago, disappointment or not.

Still, good job. As someone who continues to try to set the record for most consecutive years without trying anything ridiculous, I salute him.

Thank You

Happy Veterans' Day to everyone who has ever honorably served our country in uniform.



Those of us who haven't served owe you a huge debt of gratitude.

Imagine if you'd used it for Hannukah presents

Um, how did you not notice this at the store?

Casey Lehman of Seminole County said the wrapping paper, which she purchased at Dollar Mania in the Altamonte Mall, was covered in symbols that her mother and fiance agreed were Nazi swastikas, WESH-TV, Orlando, reported Tuesday.

"If I had sent this out on my Christmas gifts and someone had pointed it out to me I would have been mortified. I would have been really embarrassed," Lehman said.

You know what would make an excellent stocking stuffer for Ms. Lehman this Christmas? A new pair of glasses.

Crime wave!

Cops in Connecticut (try saying that five times fast) are apparently dealing with a rash of crimes. Bank robberies? Auto thefts? Home burglaries? Um, not exactly...

In one of the largest recent cases, a 21-year-old Stratford man was charged with shoplifting about $800 worth of Orbit chewing gum from stores in Stratford, Bridgeport and Fairfield.

In West Hartford, police have investigated four gum theft complaints since June, including one in which a 21-year-old Enfield man was charged with stealing $175 in gum from a local supermarket.

Police in West Hartford and elsewhere said gum thieves want something they can sell quickly, often to make money to support a drug addiction. That's what the man who allegedly swiped several hundred packs of Orbit in Stratford, Bridgeport and Fairfield told police.

Um, is there some kind of massive gum tax in Connecticut which I didn't know about that makes buying gum on the black market more attractive than buying it at a convenience store or gas station?

Since it's Friday night...

...and, um, whatever, here's a picture of Elizabeth Banks looking retro-hawt:

It's like the 1950s...in my pants! (Yeah, I know that it doesn't make any sense. You come up with something better.)

Horse senseless

I know it's traditional for people to drink mint juleps at the Kentucky Derby, but I'm pretty sure most of them exercise a certain degree of moderation. And I'm almost positive that the jockeys don't guzzle them before the race:

Despite a drinking ban mayhem erupted at a traditional Mayan horse race on Sunday with riders falling off their horses and drunken spectators stumbling through the mountain village.

Hundreds of tourists and locals gathered for the annual spectacle in Todo Santos Cuchumatan on Sunday to cheer the dozens of riders charging back and forth along a 330-foot (100-meter) length of road for up to seven hours.

But the macho test of stamina was marred, as it has been in the past, by the copious amount of homemade spirits the riders consume, sometimes for days before the race.

At least two Mayan riders fell off their horses during this year's race, and one was carried away by bystanders after being trampled in the mud. Another man walked away from the track with a bloody face.

Um, is it just me, or does that sound pretty awesome? I mean, people go to NASCAR races for the crashes, right?

Candid camera

If you're a pervert who wants to tape a bunch of people going to the bathroom, well, I hesitate to give you any advice, but...

The Simi Valley Police Department said Joseph David Ramon Moreaux, 28, of Lancaster, Calif., accidentally taped himself hiding the camera between boxes in the corner of a store restroom used by both men and women, KTLA-TV, Los Angeles, reported Tuesday.

The camera was discovered Sunday by a female patron who alerted police
to its presence. Officers said they found the video of Moreaux hiding the camera on the device.

I would normally make a joke here, but it doesn't really seem necessary. Instead, I'll just say "dumbass," and leave it at that.

Drunk dialing saves lives

I can't be certain, but I suspect this woman's ex might be a 911 operator...

"Somebody's really drunk driving down Granton Road," Mary Strey said during an Oct. 24 call to 911, according to tapes.

Trying to determine the location of the reported drunk driver, the dispatcher asked Strey: "Okay are you behind them, or..."

"No, I am them," Strey said, according to MyFoxAustin.

The dispatcher verified, "You am them?"

"Yes, I am them," said Strey.

Sounds like she should have been arrested by the Grammar Police.

(No, not really. Even if there were such a thing as the Grammar Police, drunk driving is a much more serious offense.)

Since it's Halloween...

...and I didn't post any cheesecake yesterday, here's Elvira, Mistress of the Dark:

Um, Elvira, are you implying that your boob is poisonous?

Happy Birfday, Riley!

I can't believe that he's four years old today. This is a picture, I think, from the day when we brought him home. He got a brand new rope chewer and a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream tonight, which made him a happy little boy.

Coming soon to a theater near you

The Fast and the Furious: Sofia Smash...

Bulgarian prosecutors are investigating a new gambling game in which drivers defy death by speeding through red lights for bets of up to 5,000 euros ($7,400), the chief prosecutor's office said Thursday.

Known as 'Russian road roulette', the driver must jump red lights at busy intersections at high speed and not crash into any other cars or pedestrians, according to local media reports. Onlookers also gamble on the result.

Um, guys, they have things called "sports" and "cards" now. I know these things were rare during the days of Communist oppression, and they don't offer the thrill of being maimed or killed, but they're fine things to gamble on. They also have the added bonus of rarely taking out innocent bystanders.

(Except in certain countries where they take soccer waaaaaay too seriously. Or if Raiders fans are involved.)

The kids get shirts

When you're passing out T-shirts to a bunch of little kids, you might want to make sure that, well...

Principal Jackie Howland of Linda Vista Elementary School in Yorba Linda said the T-shirts, which were distributed to students who participated in a recent jog-a-thon, featured a logo with what was supposed to be a fake 1-800 number with letters instead of numbers, The Orange County (Calif.) Register reported Wednesday.

Rosemary Gladden, public information officer for Placentia-Yorba Linda Unified School District, said a parent called the number, which was supposed to be a slogan for the event, but it turned out to be a real number for a phone sex line.

This warrants a couple of questions. First of all, what did they spell out that actually refers people to a phone sex line? Secondly, who puts a fake 1-800 number on their shirts anymore? It's all about fake websites these days. I'm sure there's nothing out there that involves jogging and is also dirty. Oh, wait, there's some dirty website that involves just about anything.

I hate people sometimes

The fact that someone even felt the need to make a video like this depresses me...



I had to hug Riley extra-tight after watching that.

These words are hard to choke out...

...but congratulations to the New York Yankees for making it to the World Series. They just played better in this ALCS than the Angels did, especially as far as their defense was concerned. The Dodgers played like crap against the Phils, too. Neither SoCal team took their momentum in sweeping their Division Series foes into the next round.

All of that said, I doubt I'll be watching a single fucking minute of this year's World Series. I really don't give a shit who wins at this point.

Since it's Friday night, old school crush edition

Ever since I saw The Last Emperor, I've had a crush on Joan Chen, so here she is, being a (non) dirty, dirty girl...

Um, hi. I could grab a loofah if you'd like...

As a bonus, here's some fantastic music.

Modern marriage

I've never been married, but, seriously, I thought this kind of thing was just confined to old sitcoms and newspaper cartoons.

Excuses, excuses

I don't tend to break into peoples' cars and steal their stuff, but if I did, I'd like to think that I could come up with a better dodge than this:

Salem police Lt. Conrad Prosniewski said that when the patrolmen caught up with Conway on Palmer Street and asked him what was in the bag, he responded by claiming they were his former wife's sex toys.

"The officers weren't buying it and took a look inside," the article mentions, which is hardly surprising.

I like this, too...

Defense lawyer Joyce Motta says her client "was just walking down the street" when the officers approached him for no reason.

Conway interrupted his lawyer, asking the judge to send him to a drug treatment program rather than jail.

"I've got a screaming drug habit," Conway told Salem District Court Judge Richard Mori.

Pipe down, man! I hear that some people are able to smuggle drugs into jail these days.

Who says church is boring?

Sure, God is everywhere, but...

A Wisconsin woman who leads weekly church services at a pub where people can pray, drink and take a smoke too says it is perfect for preaching to the "wounded."

Kathy Price of Beloit said The Red Door ministry holds services at 10:30 a.m. every Sunday at the Willowdale Saloon in Janesville for about a dozen or so parishioners, the Beloit (Wis.) Daily News reported Tuesday.

The article goes on to quote Price as saying that she's looking to "hang out" with "someone who's broken." I think people who are drinking and smoking at 10:30 on a Sunday morning pretty much qualify.

Fuel

Are you using wood to heat your home? Coal? That might not work out.

Are you warm now? Good.

*throws blood on complacent human*

You go to hell and you die!!!

Since it's Friday night...

...and you're a bunch of horndogs, I figured a photo of Padma Lakshmi in flimsy lingerie would do nicely here:

Um, everyone is prolly gonna kill me, Ms. Lakshmi, but one of your shoulder straps seems to have slipped a bit.

The amazing cross-dressing caper

I like booze and I like criminal stupidity, so you know that I love this story...

Police officers were called to the scene about 6:50 p.m. Tuesday after the store’s loss prevention officer confronted a person about 20 years old and 6 foot three inches tall, weighing 300 pounds, who left the store without paying for the alcohol and cola.

The individual was believed to be a man but was wearing a black dress, according to police spokesman Sean Kooistra.

Um, I understand the concept of disguising yourself while committing a crime, but I'm pretty sure part of that is choosing a disguise that's not going to instantly draw attention to yourself. I mean, not to be a backseat getaway driver or anything, but if you're a dude who's over six feet tall and packing 300 pounds, a rainbow wig and some oversized novelty sunglasses might seem a bit less conspicuous.

Priorities

Edward Haynes of Plant City, Florida might just have a point...

"If the city was so interested in the moral character of the city, why don't they do something about the prostitutes soliciting on the city streets or the bums sleeping in vacant lots at night? I'm all for decency," he said. "I have a family too. But let's not get so upset and misplace our energy when it is needed elsewhere."

I'll leave it up to you to click through to the article and find out what they chose to clean up before addressing the problems with hookers and hobos. Be warned, though, if there are any pregnant women or people with heart conditions in the room where you're reading this, well, they might find it funny.

Bummer

There's a time to call the cops, and there's a time to just cut your losses. This would be an instance of the latter:

Detective Sgt. Randy F. Pfau (FOW) says the 54-year-old woman was arrested early Sunday after reporting two men had broken into her home in Brant Township, 80 miles north-northwest of Detroit.

Pfau says the woman told deputies the men fled after one of them demanded her marijuana plants. He says the woman then was booked on charges of manufacturing and delivering marijuana.

See, this is why the A-Team exists. When you can't go to the cops, but you need justice, you go to them.

Wait, you're telling me the A-Team doesn't actually exist?

The logical progression?

Okay, so teevee viewers had to put up with commercials for decades. Then, some genius invented the DVR technology that allowed us to skip those commercials. Now, the advertising industry expects us to follow their commercials to websites where we can watch extended versions of their commercials?

Work on product placement, guys. That's about all you're gonna get away with in the future. That, or Blade Runner-style billboards.

So, I had a great weekend

Can any of you who hail from St. Louis or Boston say the same?

Since it's Friday night...

...and you're expecting some cheesecake, how about a shot of NCIS hottie Cote de Pablo?

Um, that's a really, really nice ass dress. Um, yeah. The dress. That's what I was talking about. Click for bigger.

It's far from over...

...but with the Angels shutting down the hated Red Sox for the second straight night, well...

HOlympics

It takes a lot of money for amateur athletes to make it to the Olympics, and one Kiwi athlete has come up with an, um, interesting way to finance his trip to the 2012 London Games, but the New Zealand Olympic Committee isn't exactly supportive of his efforts:

"Based on the Olympic values of excellence, friendship and respect, we would place your actions as totally inconsistent with these values," TV3 network quoted an excerpt of the letter, signed by NZOC secretary-general Barry Maister, as saying.

"Your open solicitation of 'clients' for your 'business' while using the Olympic or Olympian connection must cease immediately, or the NZOC will be forced to consider taking legal action against you."

I'll leave it up to you to click on the link to find out what this athlete/entrepreneur came up with to finance his Gold Medal dreams.

(Although I probably kind of telegraphed that with the title.)

A great day for two!

First, the Dodgers stage a thrilling ninth inning comeback, and then John Lackey deals a gem and Torii Hunter hits a three-run bomb to power the Angels past the hated Red Sox. I'm gonna sleep well tonight.

Oh, and by the way...SUCK IT, MASSHOLES!

Nobody has ever broken into my home...

...but I'm pretty sure I'd prefer someone violating my space if the burglar wasn't nekkid...

The man -- whose name was not reported -- cooked a meal took a shower and ransacked the house Monday, The (New Orleans) Times-Picayune reported.

He was identified only as a Luling, La., resident who may have been suffering from a medical problem.

Like a gunshot, blunt force trauma from a Louisville Slugger, or a stab wound?

Identity theft FAIL

On the one hand, it's sort of nice that this woman wrote a check to a church, though she did it on someone else's account, but, well...

The woman used a credit card from the stolen wallet to buy about $200 worth of merchandise from a dollar store and a convenience store.

Um, I've never stolen anything from anybody, but I'm pretty sure that when you swipe their checkbook and credit cards, you want to go all out. Maybe you don't want to head to Nieman Marcus, but the dollar store? Think bigger. I mean, Wal-Mart takes credit cards. Hell, supermarkets take credit cards.

Couldn't you wait a few weeks?

I get the idea that you're going for a theme wedding, but if you were a bunch of furries who liked to dress up like a horrible couple of Easter Bunnies, would you do this on Good Friday?

They always return to the scene of the crime

Yeah, it's just a cliche. Or is it?

Beech Grove police said the man, described as about 48 years old, handed a Walgreen's clerk $2 for a cola and made "idle conversation" until she opened the cash register, The Indianapolis Star reported Thursday.

The man then put his hand under his coat and informed the clerk he was robbing the store. He took $97 from the register and began to leave, police said.

However, the police report said the man "came back for the bottle of soda that he placed on the counter and previously paid for."

Hey, in today's economy, you can't just waste good money by leaving stuff you've already paid for behind at the store.

Swimming to jail

I've noticed over the years that few of my neighbors who have swimming pools ever use them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that nobody wants to use the pool:

A nude man covered in feces broke into someone’s backyard and jumped into the pool Saturday, according to a Martin County Sheriff’s Office report.

Robert Stark Higgins, 21, of the 5300 block of Southeast Dell Street, Stuart, was charged with burglary to an occupied dwelling, disorderly conduct and misdemeanor theft. He was being held at the Martin County Jail in lieu of $10,500 bail.

The article doesn't mention why Higgins was nude or exactly whose feces he was covered in, but that might be for the better.

Um, okay

"It's like my excitement for the day," said onlooker Samantha Jensen, who is six months pregnant. "Besides morning sickness."

I've never been pregnant, and barring some mad scientist's breathrough, I never will be, but I'm hoping that I'm never drawn to the smell of anything like this.

Best in the West!

Congrats to the Angels, who clinched their third straight AL West title with a decisive 11-0 victory over the Rangers.

This has been a tough season, with some of the stars out for long stretches with injuries, but, more devastatingly, because of the death of promising young pitcher Nick Adenhart and two of his friends at the hands of a drunk driver. The team chanted "Adenhart! Adenhart!" as they sprinted out to his picture on the outfield wall and laid their hands on it.

Now, let's take that passion and beat the hell out of the damn Red Sox, m'kay?

Since it's Friday night...

...and I'm about to head out to a friend's birfday party, how about a photo of boobalicious Brit babe Keeley Hazell?

Mammaries in the UK!

Finally!

A store across the pond is launching a new line of underpants that will, apparently, redress a decades-long injustice:

The new range, by UK-based Hom, will have a horizontal opening instead of a vertical slit accessed from the right-hand side, breaking a tradition that has lasted for 75 years.

"In our view, this is a vital step toward equality for left-handed men," said Rob Faucherand of Debenhams store.

The article goes on to mention that "left-handed men have to reach much further into their pants, performing a Z shaped maneuver through two 180 degree angles before achieving the result that right handed men perform with ease" in order to take a leak.

**If you don't want to learn something VERY personal about me, I'd seriously suggest that you quit reading this right now.**

Um, I've been wearing boxers for years now, and they have the "slit" right in the middle, as the article goes on to mention, but I don't remember the tighty whities that the article is doubtlessly talking about being especially convenient for right-handers, either. In fact, I've always suspected that the kind of underpants we're discussing were designed by a vindictive woman.

When room service delivers, I hope there's minimal eye contact

I don't travel very much, but when I do, I might take some of the soaps or mini bottles of shampoo and conditioner home from my hotel room. Other people smuggle out towels. Guests in British hotels apparently like swiping some other, um, items...

The Residence in Bath, England, which until recently offered sex toys for rent to guests, said patrons would often walk off with the items.

"Beyond the usual things, such as shampoos and bath towels, the most frequently stolen items were our sex toys," a staff member said.

"I would call them up to explain that they had been caught taking them without paying," she added. "A pregnant pause would inevitably follow."

Huh. A "pregnant" pause? Man, you'd think they would clean those off before renting them to their next guests.

Gotta love living here

230 grand is a lot of money...

...but keeping a rotting corpse in your house for several years doesn't really sound worth it, if you ask me:

A Florida woman was sentenced on Monday to a year and a day in prison for keeping her dead mother's body in a bedroom for years while collecting more than $230,000 in pension benefits, prosecutors said.

Penelope Sharon Jordan, 61, of Sebastian, Florida, pleaded guilty to theft of government funds in June, the U.S. Attorney's Office in Miami said.

Police said when they found the body in a spare bedroom in March, Jordan told them her mother had been dead for at least six years. During the sentencing hearing, evidence indicated that Jordan told her sister their mother had died before December, 2001.

Um, I guess her sister didn't bother to attend the funeral. Assuming that she even bothered to stage one, that is.

There's no word in the article on whether or not Ms. Jordan had anything to do with running a motel.

Since it's Friday night...

...and I can't even be bothered to make an excuse here, how about a picture of Kristin Kreuk in her Underoos?

Um, is it me, or is it just a little nipply in here?

Crack for clunkers?

God knows I haven't always been the best son, but at least I've never done anything like this to my dad:

The Fresno County Sheriff's Office said deputies responded to the home of a 74-year-old man just after 4 a.m. Wednesday and the man told them his 39-year-old son had taken his Lincoln, The Fresno (Calif.) Bee reported Thursday.

Sheriff's spokesman Chris Curtice said the 39-year-old returned while deputies were still at the house and investigators learned he had traded the car for about $50 worth of crack cocaine in downtown Fresno.

I don't know much about crack, but I would think you could get more than fifty bucks worth for a Lincoln. I guess it's a buyer's market.

Sleazy rider

I've never ridden a motorcycle before, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do it like this guy:

Authorities say a Florida man was charged with driving under the influence after he was spotted riding his motorcycle naked. The Marion County deputy was driving on Interstate 75 early Tuesday when he spotted what appeared to be a naked man on a motorcycle. The deputy caught up with 45-year-old J. Dante Krauss at a red light and stopped him.

Capt. Mike Rolls said Krauss could not explain where he was coming from or why he was naked.

You know, that might just be a good thing.

Yet another reason to take the stairs

It's good exercise, of course, but you might also avoid this guy...

Investigators said Antonio Vega, 51, was charged with criminal mischief and given a $2,000 elevator repair bill after cameras set up in two Plainsboro buildings owned by Sharbell Development Corp. captured him urinating in elevator cars, the Trenton (N.J.) Times reported Tuesday.

Police said Vega, who has allegedly been relieving himself in the elevators since June, works as a laboratory service representative and frequently visits the two buildings to pick up blood and urine samples.

Yeah, and I guess he was leaving a few urine samples behind, too. HEY-OH!

I don't think I'll be getting tickets

I know we're not supposed to stereotype people, but why am I not surprised that we've got Germans stacking some extra horror on top of some regular horror...

German anatomists plan a new show dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex as part of the Body Worlds exhibitions.

Gunther von Hagens and his wife Angelina Whalley show corpses prepared using a technique invented by von Hagens called "plastination," that removes water from specimens and preserves them with silicon rubber or epoxy resin.

"It's not my intention to show certain sexual poses. My goal is really to show the anatomy and the function," Body Worlds creative director Whalley told Reuters in an interview, adding the sex exhibition may open next year.

Call me some kind of prude, bur I think I'll stick with my regular hangups about sex without checking out a bunch of dead bodies in the act.

Never Forget

It's been eight years since that otherwise quiet morning when nearly 3,000 people, including the man pictured above, were murdered by a gang of thugs and barbarians, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I think I'll always remember it like it was yesterday.

Justice delayed

The wheels of Turkish justice turn slowly. And embarrassingly, too:

A Turkish woman accused of cutting off her lover's penis must wait 18 months for a verdict and sentencing while a court determines whether his re-attached penis still functions, a court source said Thursday.

The criminal court in the Black Sea town of Trabzon will wait for a medical report assessing whether the 28-year-old victim has regained full use of his organ or if he is permanently disabled, an official involved in the trial said.

"To determine which crime was committed, we first need the report," the source said. "We'll continue holding hearings in the trial from time to time until we receive the report."

Now, if I was the guy who had his junk chopped off, on the one hand, I'd want to see the person who did it locked up for as long as possible. On the other hand, providing the court with reports about my peener that would presumably become part of the public record? Yeah, I don't think I'd really enjoy that.

What's for lunch?

Something awful, apparently, and I don't just mean bologna:

A former Ohio deputy accused of feeding an inmate a bologna sandwich that been rubbed against another inmate's genitals has pleaded guilty to two health code violations. In a Columbus courtroom on Wednesday, 38-year-old Joseph Cantwell also apologized for the shame and embarrassment that he said he had caused.

Um, if I was the one who ate that particular sammich, I think "shame and embarrassment" would be the least couple of things I'd be worried about.

Kids these days

While I'm fairly certain that kids have been pretty stupid since the dawn of mankind, it sure as hell seems like they haven't been getting much smarter as of late:

Australian authorities said two girls lost in a drainage well system
used their phones to update their Facebook statuses instead of calling police.

Glenn Benham, a spokesman for the Metropolitan Fire Service in Adelaide, said the girls, ages 10 and 12, posted Facebook updates saying they were lost in a storm drain in the city's south suburbs and a friend who noticed the updates called police, Britain's The Daily Telegraph reported Tuesday.

The article goes on to note that since they were able to use their phones to access their Facebook pages from inside the storm drain, they could have just, you know, called the authorities directly. Yeah.

Well, at least he didn't test positive for steroids

I'm not a fan of chess, but if I happened to be the kind of person who plays the game for a living, I think I'd probably show up sober for my job:

A leading French chess player turned up drunk and dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, domestic media reported Friday.

Grandmaster Vladislav Tkachiev arrived for Thursday's match against India's Praveen Kumar in such an inebriated state that he could hardly sit in his chair and soon fell asleep, resting his head on the table, Hindustan Times newspaper reported.

There are plenty of jobs where you might be excused for being exhausted enough that you need to take a rest, but I don't think "Guy Who Plays Chess" is among them.

Since it's Friday night...

...and someone who shall remain unnamed is getting impatient, now would be a good time to post a picture of Beyonce casting a come-hither look over her lovely bare shoulder:

Um, while that's a very nice manicure, would you mind moving your left hand? Thanks.

All glory is fleeting

One minute, you're on top of the world. Then, in an instant, the freakish trait that has defined you for decades is snatched away from you...

A great-grandmother whose 34-inch fingernails snapped off in a car crash has revealed that the accident left her feeling like she had lost part of her identity.

However, 68-year-old Lee Redmond, of Salt Lake City, Utah, admitted it had become much easier to get around since she was robbed of her record-breaking assets.

Really? Doing things is easier without fingernails that are nearly three feet long? I never would have guessed.

Speaking publicly for the first time since the crash, she said: "Losing my fingernails has been the most dramatic thing that's happened in my life.

Yeah, I'm sure it made the birth of your children seem like a real anticlimax.

Oh, and check out this disconnect...

"The thing that bothered me with losing the fingernails was that it becomes your identity and I felt like I'd lost part of that."

"Yet I would always say when people would make comments about my fingernails, you know there's more to me than my fingernails."

Um, you spent thirty years growing them out, setting a Guinness Record for being the woman with the world's longest nails. I find it a little hard to believe that you thought people might not immediately have their attention drawn to that little detail.

But I'm sure your opinions about 18th century British literature are just fascinating. Yeah.

Sure, rules are rules...

...but, sometimes, you've just got to make an exception:

A Florida man born without arms says a Tampa bank would not let him cash a check because he couldn't provide a thumbprint.

Steve Valdez didn't have an account at a Bank of America location in downtown Tampa, where he tried to cash a check from his wife last week. However, Valdez has prosthetic arms and is unable to provide a thumbprint. He says he presented two forms of identification but was still denied.

I know there are more than a few dishonest people out there, but I tend to doubt anyone would hack off both their arms just to cash a check.

Fine art

I'm not a fan of most modern art styles, but I dig Photorealism, mainly because I'm the kind of Neanderthal who likes paintings to look like, you know, their actual subjects.

Check out this gallery of sketches, most of which look like black and white photos. Amazing.

How to make a bad situation worse

Aside from a couple of traffic tickets, I've never been in trouble with the law. That said, I think I could handle things a little better than this guy did if the cops showed up at my house:

Officers came into contact with 64-year-old Dennis Fike at 11:30 p.m. while responding to a report of a loud party and violation of a protection order at his home at 911 5th Ave. S., Sgt. Ross Renner said.

“Sometime during that contact, Mr. Fike pulled his pants down, defecated on the floor, made a comment to the officers and, at which point, attempted to kick fecal matter at the officers who were present,” Renner said Monday.

Renner said Fike indicated to police that he had to go to the bathroom, but there weren’t enough officers present to allow him to do so, because they were still waiting for backup.

“So, he, uh, yeah,” he said.

I like to think of myself as someone who has a way with words (hey, shut up!) but I'm pretty sure I would describe an event like that in a similar fashion.

Uh, yeah.