Money for nothing and the chicks...they're, um, upset

In today's tough economy, it's always a good idea to find ways to save money on non-essential purchases. This probably isn't the best strategy, though:

Investigators said a former U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration engineer and a graphic designer created fake 20 and 100 euro notes that were "virtually indistinguishable" from real money, ANSA reported Wednesday.

However, police said the bills were spotted as fakes and brought to the attention of authorities by lap dancers and prostitutes frequented by the counterfeiters.

They say that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but I'm guessing that a woman who's expecting legal tender for those kinds of services can't be too far behind.

There's naughty or nice, and then there's just being a jerk

Do you remember the artist asshole who set up the Gingerbread Nazi display a couple of years ago? Well, he's back, and he's just as much of a dick as ever:

Once again, he’s pushing the envelope.

In his latest display called “Tanenbaum” — a misspelling of “tannenbaum,” the German word for Christmas tree — Santa has no legs after a boozed-up accident involving some power lines.

If that’s not bad enough, a crazed tree is seen pushing Santa’s wheelchair down a flight of stairs.

[Keith] McGuckin said he expects to touch a few nerves.

“I think a lot of people will be upset about a legless Santa,” he said.

Yeah, like, maybe, you know, children. They might not appreciate that sort of thing. But who cares? None of them write columns in the local paper's Arts and Leisure section.

Although you don’t see St. Nick’s sad end, McGuckin’s narrative that accompanies the display tells the rest of the story.

When authorities examine the heap of twisted chrome and crimson, they rule Santa’s death an accident.

The tree goes off to a strip club to live it up on money taken from Santa’s Salvation Army kettle.

Sheila Ross of Oberlin was among library patrons Tuesday who didn’t appreciate the humor.

“To me, it’s terrible,” Ross said. “I wouldn’t bring my grandson to see this — it’s sick.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” McGuckin said. “It’s a cartoon.”

That might be true, but it's also your latest attempt at being "edgy." And, seeing as how you're an "artist," I'm sure you've exhibited some great courage in "pushing boundaries" and making people "ask questions" about the way they look at celebrating Christmas. But let me ask you a question...

Got anything planned for Ramadan?

I thought not.

Ugh

Sorry for the non-existent posting today, but I just got back from a four and a half hour city council meeting. That was fun.

(No, it really wasn't.)

The Lord works in mysterious ways

Well, so they say. But I'm pretty sure His work doesn't include telling nutjobs like this guy to try to kill random people:

A man who rammed his truck into a woman's vehicle on a highway early Friday told authorities he crashed into her while going more than 100 mph because God told him "she needed to be taken off the road."

The truck rear-ended the car on U.S. Highway 281, both vehicles spun across a median then came to a stop along a barrier in the opposite lanes. Both drivers suffered only minor injuries.

"He just said God said she wasn't driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road," Bexar County Sheriff's Office spokesman Kyle Coleman said in the online edition of the San Antonio Express-News. "God must have been with them, 'cause any other time, the severity of this crash, it would have been a fatal."

Now, the guy who decided God had told him to go all "ramming speed" on some poor, innocent woman didn't have any drugs or alcohol in his system, so the authorities have ordered a psychiatric evaluation. That sounds like a prudent move to me.

What a bright idea!

I don't know how the hell anybody could have thought that this was a good idea:

A Belgian TV network has been criticized after advertisements for a travel-themed show depicted the host as a scantily clad Adolf Hitler.

The print ads for broadcaster VRT's travel show featured host Tomas de Soete dressed as a Hitler caricature wearing only a swastika armband and pants while giving a stiff-armed salute with the Nazi flag behind him, the Daily Mail reported

The picture was accompanied by the message: "Discover the real Europe. Not the cliches. Test it yourself: This is the first image you'll get to see when you enter 'German' in Google."

The ads were pulled after a "torrent of complaints" that they were in bad taste. No, really? People might find Hitler and Nazi imagery offensive? Well, I guess that never crossed the minds of the geniuses who run the company.

Dumbasses.

Rich, chocolatey (inherent) goodness

Do you love chocolate? Do you also love Jesus? Well, it seems someone has decided to combine the two:

Germany's churches criticized a businessman on Tuesday for selling thousands of Jesus chocolates.

Frank Oynhausen set up his "Sweet Lord" chocolate Jesus-making business saying he wanted to restore some traditional religious values to Christmas in Germany.

But the German Protestant Church criticized the idea as "tasteless" and the Roman Catholic Church was not amused.

"I started thinking about how I could reintroduce traditional religious values into this commercial world," said Oynhausen, who had been unemployed since losing a recycling business two years ago.

Together with a friend, a local chocolatier, Oynhausen, 54, developed the concept of "Sweet Lord." It is growing fast in his home town of Duisburg and on the internet (www.goldjesus.com).

Oynhausen said thousands of people have put in orders for the figures wrapped in gold foil.

But church associations expressed dismay.

"It is terrible that Jesus is being wrapped up in gold foil and sold along with chocolate bunnies, edible penguins and lollipops," said Aegidius Engel, a spokesman for the archbishopric of nearby Paderborn.

Now, I'm not a religious person, but I can see how some people would find this tacky. For one thing, it would feel a little strange to bite the head off of a chocolate Jesus.

Driving like a maniac

So, do you think this guy was, drunk, high, crazy, or some combination of the three?

California authorities got a shock of their own when they discovered that a drunken driving suspect they had just stunned with a Taser was completely naked.

Santa Ana police say the naked man was pulled over by police Wednesday night after his van hit a car.

Police Commander Stephen Colon says a driver alerted officers to the van that had just hit his car. He says the driver was fumbling in the front seat and refused to put his hands up.

I don't want to know what he was "fumbling" with, and I guess the cops didn't, either, seeing as how that was the point at which they busted out the Taser.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is a day to be thankful for all of our blessings. Let's all sit down and enjoy some turkey.

Okay, that's not exactly the right kind of turkey, but you get the idea.

Romp in the restroom

Ah, no location says romance quite like...a crowded restroom at a football game:

A 38-year-old woman and a 26-year-old man turned to a handicapped stall for their tryst Saturday evening.

On the field, the Hawkeyes were on their way to 55-0 trouncing of the Gophers. In the restroom, a crowd of intoxicated fans gathered to cheer the off-the-field event.

Eventually, a security guard tipped off University of Minnesota police. Officers had to interrupt the couple to cite them for indecent conduct, a misdemeanor.

Police Chief Greg Hestness said the woman initially gave a false name to officers. She was released to her husband and the man was released to his girlfriend.

Boy, I bet they were both thrilled, huh?

Oh, and here's the shocking part of this whole sordid episode: they were both drunk! Bet you didn't see that coming.

Geekiest lawsuit EVAR

Some dork named Richard Minsky is suing some other dork over a trademark he took out on the word "SLART" in the virtual reality game Second Life. Actually, that's not quite accurate. He's suing the other dork's avatar:

Minsky obtained a U.S. trademark in March 2008, but avatar Victor Vezina began an art gallery called "SLart" in Second Life in 2007.

In a 25-page complaint to the U.S. District Court of New York on March 16, 2008, Minsky's attorney, an avatar called Juris Amat, sent Vezina a "cease and desist" order that he failed to respond to, the newspaper said.

I'm no legal scholar, but I'm pretty sure that when your virtual lawyer sends a virtual cease and desist order to your virtual antagonist, some guy automatically is sent to your mom's basement to give you a real-life wedgie. Yeah, that's the way I'm pretty sure the law works.

Escape FAIL!

Running from the cops isn't a great idea, but running from the cops while you're this uncoordinated can have dire consequences:

A tip to the state's DrunkBuster hot line Sunday afternoon alerted authorities to a possibly drunken driver.

State Police Officer Grace Romero spotted the man's pickup truck swerving across both lanes of a highway, driving slowly and then fast. He refused to stop.

After narrowly missing other vehicles, police said the suspect drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse.

Police said the man fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front driver's side tire.

He was treated at a hospital for "minor injuries." Normally, you would consider that pretty lucky, but since the injuries weren't more serious, they were able to book him into jail right away.

Double your jail time

I can understand why people steal valuable things like jewelery or electronics or high-end clothing from stores, but gum?

A New York man will serve four months in jail after pleading guilty to grand larceny charges related to the theft of 54 packs of bubble gum, a judge says.

Judge Robert Raciti of Queens Criminal Court handed down the sentence to William Rouse, 47, who was allegedly seen on a surveillance camera attempting to steal the bubble gum from an area Kmart last week, the New York Post said Monday.

Sources said before Rouse could leave the scene of the crime with his chewable booty, a security guard stopped him and allegedly found the bubble gum in a bag Rouse was carrying.

Leaving aside the humorous phrase "chewable booty," this isn't the first time he's done this. Earlier this year, he tried to steal 25 packs of gum from another store. Nine out of ten dentists who would recommend chewing gum to their patients agree* that he's got an unhealthy obsession with stealing gum.

*What, like you could come up with a better joke about gum?

Bad dog!

I get upset with my dog when he occasionally poops on the rug or gets into the trash, but at least he's never done anything like this:

A 23-year-old man accidentally shot with his 12-gauge shotgun Saturday on the Tillamook Bay isn't upset with the culprit -- his dog.

The bizarre incident sent Matthew Marcum to Portland's Legacy Emanuel Hospital & Health Center, where he was recovering Sunday with injuries to his legs and buttocks.

Marcum was standing in the bay Saturday morning, about to tie up an 11-foot open aluminum boat, when his 3-year-old Labrador, Drake, jumped into the boat and set off the gun, his Father, Henry Marcum, said Sunday. The blast blew a hole in the boat before hitting Marcum.

Marcum's father called the incident "just one of those things" and "an accident," which is just what the dog wants him to believe.

Suck it, Stanfurd

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the 37-16 drubbing Cal gave Stanfurd yesterday in the 111th Big Game. The Axe is back where it belongs!

Life imitates "The Lumberjack Song"

As a fan of capitalism, I'm all for companies tapping into new markets for their products. Unfortunately, though, when the company in question is a Japanese lingerie manufacturer, the new market is predictably creepy:

Since launching two weeks ago on Rakuten, a major Japanese web shopping mall, the Wishroom shop has sold over 300 men's bras for 2,800 yen ($30) each. The shop also stocks men's panties, as well as lingerie for women.

"I like this tight feeling. It feels good," Wishroom representative Masayuki Tsuchiya told Reuters as he modeled the bra, which can be worn discreetly under men's clothing.

Wishroom Executive Director Akiko Okunomiya said she was surprised at the number of men who were looking for their inner woman.

"I think more and more men are becoming interested in bras. Since we launched the men's bra, we've been getting feedback from customers saying 'wow, we'd been waiting for this for such a long time'," she said.

And who can blame them? I mean, I would imagine that having to buy and wear a bra that was designed to be worn by a woman is probably a really weird and demeaning experience. Finally getting a man-bra, on the other hand? Probably a breath of fresh air. Yeah.

Gift horse, mouth, etc.

I'm pretty sure this is probably some kind of first:

Officials with the Minnesota Correctional Facility-Oak Park Heights said they had to call the police after a released prisoner refused to leave prison grounds.

The officials said an officer from the Oak Park Heights Police Department was called to the facility Nov. 13 after King Phillip Veiga, 23, refused to leave the prison, saying he wasn't due to be released until May 2009, the St. Paul (Minn.) Pioneer Press reported Thursday.

Um, what were the cops supposed to do? Arrest him for trespassing and cart him off to jail? I mean, I guess they could have tazed him and dragged him out of the prison's gates, but that sounds a little excessive.

The police report said Veiga "would not sign any paperwork stating his release date was today because he felt he would be rearrested and brought back to prison."

Right, because state corrections officials have nothing better to do than play elaborate practical jokes on you. Just accept the fact that they're letting you out of prison early. I mean, if you miss the institutional-grade meat and forcible sodomy that much, you could probably just commit another crime and get caught. Just try not to rape or murder anybody in the process, m'kay?

Never look background

In today's tough economy, everybody needs a good job. There are certain jobs that have requirements, however, that aren't right for everyone. Case in point:

A mid-Michigan man who'd been looking for work found trouble after an arrest warrant popped up during a background check at a police station. Police also found cocaine in his pocket. The company the man was applying to required a police background check.

The Jackson Citizen Patriot reported that after running the 29-year-old man's name through their computer system Wednesday, police learned he was wanted on a domestic violence charge.

When the cops arrested him, they found several rocks of crack cocaine in his pocket—a must for any serious job-seeker. Although the article doesn't specify whether or not he got the job, but I'm guessing that no, they probably didn't.

That's not what they mean by "beating the rap"

I don't know much about being a rapper or shooting people, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to combine the two like this:

Judge Donny Gillis sentenced Rico Todriquez Wright, 25, on two counts of aggravated assault for shooting Chad Blue, 28, of Dublin. Wright must serve 20 years of his sentence in prison, the rest on probation.

A Laurens County jury convicted Wright in August for the September 2006 shooting. Assistant District Attorney Brandon Faircloth presented testimony during the trial that Blue encountered Wright and two other men one night on Grey Street. Blue testified that he and Wright knew each other, but admittedly did not get along.

“I heard one of the men tell Rico, ‘go ahead and shoot him’,” Blue testified in August. “When he raised his gun I knew I had to run, but I knew if I ran a straight line, I was dead. So I started weaving, running between houses, trying to avoid the bullets.”

However, one of the bullets struck Blue behind his thigh and shattered into his groin.

[...]

Blue had testified that sometime after the shooting a friend had come to visit him and played a song for him on a CD.

“I heard the song.” Blue said, “and I recognized Rico’s voice. The song was called ‘Hitting Licks for a Living’ and there’s a line that says ‘Chad Blue knows how I shoot’.”

“Hitting licks” is a term used in rap music as slang for robbery.

“Yeah, he recorded that before he went to trial,” said Blue, shaking his head, after Wright’s conviction. “Can you believe that?”

Sadly, yes. I can totally believe that. Because people are fucking idiots these days. I mean, back when Johnny Cash sang about shooting a man in Reno "just to watch him die," he at least had the sense not to name the guy.

(Plus, I don't think he actually shot anybody, but you get my point.)

You don't want to know what happens when they search for cigarettes

I believe it was George Bernard Shaw who said that the U.S. and Britain were two countries "separated by a common language." Well, it looks like he was right:

British iPhone users said a Google voice recognition program developed for the smart phone in the United States does not understand their accents.

The free program, which was designed to translate voice commands into Google searches, was perplexed when users with accents from across England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales attempted a simple search for "iPhone," The Daily Telegraph reported Wednesday.

The newspaper said a man with a Scottish accent was given Google results for "sex" when he first spoke the word "iPhone" while running the program and received results for "sledding" during his second attempt.

I've met people from Scotland (okay, not really, but I've seen Trainspotting several times) and while they can be somewhat difficult to understand sometimes, I'm pretty sure I could distinguish between a Scot saying "iPhone" and "sex." At least I hope so. If not, that could lead to some really awful misunderstandings.

Extremely petty cash

I've heard of getting nickled and dimed to death, but this is ridiculous:

A 74-year-old blind woman was shocked when her daughter found a letter from the city saying a lien would be placed on her home unless she paid an overdue water bill.

The amount? 1 cent.

Eileen Wilbur told The Sun Chronicle of Attleboro the letter sent her blood pressure soaring, and pointed out that stamps cost 42 cents.

City Collector Debora Marcoccio said the letter was among 2,000 sent out. A computer automatically prints letters for accounts with an overdue balance, and they are not reviewed by staff before being mailed, she said.

The letter warned of a lien and a $48 penalty if the overdue bill is not paid by Dec. 10. The charge was from the previous fiscal year, which ran from July 2007 to July 2008.

"My question is, how come it wasn't paid when the (original) bills went out?" Marcoccio said.

Um, I dunno, maybe because she's old and blind? Or maybe she just made a mistake and was off by a cent when she wrote you a check.

My question is, instead of being kind of a bitch about it, why don't you just apologize and cancel the overdue amount? Especially seeing as how the paperwork on the whole thing has probably cost at least forty times what she owes you.

Personal standards FAIL

It looks like we've got ourselves a classic case of do as I say, not as I do in Tokyo:

A senior Tokyo police official tasked with keeping the city's roads clear of drunk drivers has been arrested for driving under the influence, police said on Tuesday.

The deputy inspector, on his way home from a camping site, was caught late on Monday after bumping into another car and veering off the road, said a police official in Ibaraki.

"He smelled of alcohol and he couldn't walk straight," the official said.

Local media said the arrested official had been in charge of a campaign to stop drunk driving, handing out stickers to bars and restaurants around the city.

Huh. I guess they didn't have any of those stickers at the camp site where he'd been drinking. Oh well, live and learn, right? I mean, the whole losing your job and being publicly humiliated thing is probably quite the learning experience.

Healing hands

Apparently they don't really appreciate it when people think outside the box Down Under:

Australian officials said they are taking a closer look at health fund rebates for massage parlors after some of the businesses were revealed as brothels.

Health fund fraud investigators said they discovered up to 80 massage parlors in Sydney alone were fraudulently using funds -- and some were offering taxpayer-funded rebates for a "massage with a happy ending" -- The (Sydney) Daily Telegraph reported Monday.

Their Health Minister was quoted as saying "Public funds that go to health services should be used for health services." Well, I'm sure there was some, er, stress reduction involved, and there are surely some health benefits that come from lowering stress levels.

Yeah, well, I tried.

SoCal burning

In case any of you were worried, I just want to let you know that no, we're not on fire here, though things are bad just south of here in Orange County. Tragically, by the end of the weekend, a lot of people down there are going to have lost their homes.

Meanwhile, we'll be keeping our eyes on the horizon.

Update: If you want to donate to Red Cross disaster relief efforts, you can do so here.

Chutzpah

Check out the big brass balls on one Joe Goetz:

Police said 48-year-old Joseph Goetz allegedly attempted to rob a Susquehanna Bank branch office in the town this week shortly after it opened, the York (Pa.) Daily Record said Friday.

After learning that the bank had no cash on hand to give him, Goetz fled the scene while vowing to file a complaint with bank managers, police allege.

He was caught after a customer saw him attempting to flee the bank and followed him. There's no word as to whether or not he followed through on the complaint, though I'm guessing he probably didn't.

All roads lead to FAIL

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Hold it

They say that there's a time and place for everything, and as this dumbass found out, while you're being transported to jail in the back of a cop car is a very bad time and place to, well...

Police say Daniel L. Shilts, of 720 W. Second St., was pulled over about 2 a.m. in the City of Plymouth after the officer saw him drive in the parking lane and nearly strike the curb while making turns, according to a criminal complaint. The officer followed Shilts as he pulled into a gas station and struck a pole, then nearly backed into the squad car before coming to a stop.

Shilts was arrested after the officer smelled alcohol on his breath and Shilts failed field sobriety tests, the complaint said. While en route to the police station, Shilts urinated in the back seat of the squad car and also sprayed some urine through the center divider, striking the officer in the back of the head, the complaint said.

Aside from the DUI and the charge related to splashing the arresting officer with pee, he's also being charged with felony bail jumping counts from several unrelated felony cases. If he's convicted on all of the charges he's facing, he could end up doing more than fifteen years in prison.

Normally, I'd make some kind of joke here, but I think in this instance, I'll just call the guy an asshole and hope that he ends up going away for a long time.

Why can't Johnny stop reading?

I'm a firm believer in the idea that children should be encouraged to read as much as possible, but they probably shouldn't be reading stuff like this:

A spokesman for the Sainsbury's grocery chain has apologized after children visiting a Haverhill, England, store were given sexually explicit books.

The spokesman said the book, entitled "How to Change the World for a Fiver," was mistakenly given to fourth graders visiting the store from Burton End primary school, The Daily Mail reported Thursday.

The book included the suggestion that readers save water by "bathing with a friend" and contained 12 sexually explicit illustrations.

The books apparently "mentioned the company's positive environmental activities." Sounds like a pretty fun place to work.

Anyway, you'd think someone at the store would've read something with subject matter that...interesting.

Let's beget it on

I'm not a very religious person, but the few times I've been to church over the last few years, I don't remember them ever talking about this kind of thing:

The pastor of a mega-church says he will challenge married congregants during his sermon Sunday to have sex for seven straight days — and he plans to practice what he preaches.

"We're going to give it a try," said the Rev. Ed Young, who has four children with his wife of 26 years.

Young, 47, said he believes society promotes promiscuity and he wants to reclaim sex for married couples. Sex should be a nurturing, spiritual act that strengthens marriages, he said.

"God says sex should be between a married man and a woman," Young said. "I think it's one of the greatest things you can do for your kids because so goes the marriage, so goes the family."

I realize that he's probably still talking about the nurturing and spirituality and such, but am I the only one who's still just a little creeped out by the suggestion that having frequent sex is good for your kids?

Get out of jail fat

If you ever find yourself in the slammer up in the Great White North and you want to get out early, you might want to consider grabbing seconds (or thirds, even) at the cafeteria:

Canadian prison authorities were forced to release a 450-pound (205 kg) drug gang member this week because he was too large for his cell, the Journal de Montreal newspaper reported on Wednesday.

Michel Lapointe -- known as Big Mike -- was arrested in September 2006 and received a five-year sentence in May this year. The paper said he could not fit on the chair in his Montreal prison cell and when he went to bed, his body protruded six inches on either side.

A letter from the authorities to Lapointe said: "You have been detained for more than 25 months and your prison conditions are difficult because of your health".

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but aren't "prison conditions" supposed to be at least somewhat difficult? I thought that was kind of the whole point of the prison experience. And couldn't they just find him a bigger bed and chair?

If she's negative for the herp, then she's not the perp

I'm not a lawyer, and I've never sued anyone before, but in my layman's opinion, this guy is pretty much screwed:

Amy Tanne was sued this year for allegedly passing herpes on to her attorney husband, Frederick Tanne, but the New York Post said Tuesday that Mrs. T's camp fired back in court papers by saying she tested negative for the virus.

The document said Mrs. Tanne was tested in October and "presented as 'negative' for HSV-2, more commonly known as genital herpes, with which Mr. Tanne is allegedly infected."

I'm pretty sure Mrs. Tanne's attorneys are going to have some pointed questions to ask of her estranged husband. Painful questions, even. Burning, itchy, irritated questions. Well, you get the idea.

(You know, because he got genital herpes. Apparently from someone other than his wife.)

Self-incrimination

You know you're a dumbass when you call the cops to report that you've been robbed and you're the one who they end up hauling off to jail:

A 28-year-old man reporting a burglary faces drug charges after responding officers say they found a marijuana pipe in his bedroom. A criminal complaint filed Tuesday said officers saw the pipe in plain view in Justin Luecke's bedroom and found marijuana stems and seeds in the living room.

The complaint said officers later returned with a search warrant and found additional marijuana as well as a scale and marijuana packaging.

He could face more than two years behind bars if he's convicted. Do you know what the moral of this story is, boys and girls? Short term memory loss is a bitch.

Veterans' Day

Today is a day to give thanks to everyone who has ever honorably served our country in uniform. Take some time out of your busy schedule today to do something nice, even if it's something small, like saying "thank you," to a veteran today. They deserve our gratitude, and so much more.

Funeral home

Everyone knows that it can be hard for some people to move on when a loved one dies, but even so, I'm pretty sure for most of us, it's probably easier than living with this kind of horror:

An elderly woman has been living with two skeletons and a badly decomposed body of her siblings in a suburb of Chicago, one of whom may have died at least 20 years ago, authorities said on Saturday.

The remains were found covered by sheets in various parts of the house in Evanston on Friday but no foul play was suspected.

Authorities said one of the siblings was last seen alive in the 1980s, the second in 2003 and the third in May.

God knows, I'm not the most popular guy in the world, but I'd like to think that if I hadn't been seen or heard from for five years (much less twenty!) somebody might actually notice that I was gone.

Thankfully, though, I'm pretty sure my brother wouldn't want to hang out with my rotting corpse for years. So I've got that going for me.

The family that drinks together...

...goes to jail together, apparently. Especially when they start showing up drunk at the police station to pick up a one-year-old boy:

A state trooper stopped a minivan for speeding early Saturday on U.S. 30 in Schererville in northwestern Indiana. He arrested the 24-year-old woman on a drunken driving charges.

The boy's father arrived later to pick him up, but officers determined he was intoxicated and also arrested him on a drunken driving charge.

Police said the boy's grandparents then arrived. Both of them also had been drinking, state police said, but the grandmother who was driving was not over the legal limit, so officers escorted them home with the child.

That kid's got a bright future. Just think of all the drinking games he's going to win twenty years from now. Quarters, beer pong, the sky's the limit.

(What, can't a guy try to put an optimistic spin on an awful story?)

That sucks

I found out last night that several of my favorite bartenders from my local watering hole have been accused of stealing from the joint and may lose their jobs, which sucks because they're the ones who often float me free dri—perhaps I've said too much.

No shirt, no pants, no service

You've got to love it when a story from real life is heaped with pile after pile of absurdities. Case in point:

A male Japanese air force major caught naked while shopping for women's underwear has been suspended from his duties for 10 days, a spokeswoman at his base said on Friday.

The man, on his way home from a late-night farewell party for a colleague in early September, stripped off his clothes behind a convenience store before going in and buying panties and pantyhose.

"He had just his wallet and his shoes on him," said the spokeswoman from the Matsushima air base in Miyagi, northern Japan.

"He thought it would be funny if he went into the store stark naked, that it would surprise people."

I would imagine he was probably right about that. Japan seems like a strange country, but I would imagine there aren't many male military officers there who shop for ladies underwear in the buff. At least I would hope not, anyway.

Trial of the century

You know, I could make a Polish joke here, but this is no laughing matter:

A Polish court Friday reprimanded two Polish women, including a model who has appeared in men's magazines, for indecent exposure after they sunbathed topless, a rarity in the deeply Catholic country.

"Showing nudity goes beyond social customs and norms in Poland," read part of the verdict issued by a court in Szczecin, northwest Poland. "Personal freedom ends where the freedom of another person begins."

"I completely respect the court's verdict, but at the same time I disagree with it and I will certainly appeal it," Dorota Krzysztofek, 28, told Poland's TVN24 news channel. She also said she would be contacting Poland's ombudsman, a civil rights watchdog.

[...]

In May, policemen fined Krzystofek and her 26-year-old friend for sunbathing topless on a public beach in Szczecin.

The women went to court after they failed to pay a fine of 150 zlotys (40 euros, 55 dollars).

The case of the two women -- one of whom is a model and has appeared topless in Polish men's magazines -- sparked such massive media interest that a first hearing in September had to be postponed when too many reporters turned up to fit into the court gallery.

Hmmmmmm...you wouldn't think a case involving a fine of the equivalent of 55 bucks would generate so much buzz. I mean, why would so many reporters turn out for something like that? Oh, right. Tits.

The two women also say that none of their fellow sunbathers were bothered by what they were doing. No, really?

Illegal tender

Like a man once said, fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life. Well, actually, I'm not sure if this guy is fat, but it sounds like he fits the other two categories:

A bartender told police the man was playing pool with an open bottle of beer and spilled some of it on the table. She said he first tried to pay his $32 tab with a credit card, which was declined.

When police arrived and ordered the man to pay his tab, they reported that he began counting out gum wrappers as if they were cash.

The cops were not amused by that stunt. And I'm pretty sure they weren't amused when he assaulted one of them, either, seeing as how they arrested him for that and disorderly conduct.

What did you expect for free?

Never look a gift thingy in the...er...yeah, I think I'll quit there:

Swedish health authorities have sparked controversy with their decision to supply free prosthetic penises that are not fully functional to transsexual men.

Ottar, a monthly magazine published by the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education, said the prosthetics will be available to women seeking to undergo a sex change operation starting Jan. 1, 2009, The Local reported Thursday.

The move was designed to promote equality due to the publicly funded wigs, breast implants and hair removal operations available for transsexual women.

However, some have criticized the plan because the prosthetic penises being offered by health authorities cannot be used to urinate and cannot become erect.

The article goes on to quote one such critic, a sexologist who says that they should hand out free prosthetic wangs that can get hard "because that is after all what penises do -- get erections." You can't argue with that, I guess, but I might point out that those penises tend to be on, you know, men.

These days, a man can't make a dishonest living

I may not be a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure I could have advised this guy that his legal strategy wasn't going to work:

A judge in Suffolk County, Mass., said while Robert Aldrich was cleared of robbery charges after spending several months in jail, the career criminal's claim he missed out on $4,000-a-month worth of home improvement work was questionable to say the least, The Boston Globe said Wednesday.

"Aldrich apparently found another way to support himself, and it was not doing home renovations," Suffolk Superior Judge Nancy Holtz wrote in her decision against Aldrich's compensation claim.

He claimed that he was doing work "under the table" to avoid paying taxes, which doesn't seem like a smart thing to tell a judge, but who am I to tell the guy to go about trying to get his money?

Oh, and what kind of work would he have been doing, had he not been locked up?

"The defendant is a career B&E (breaking and entering) man seeking compensation for burglaries he couldn't commit while locked up," spokesman Jake Wark told the Globe of Aldrich, who had numerous breaking and entering priors.

This Aldrich guy may not be really bright, but he sure has some big balls, huh?

Grand theft blotto

Getting trashed and driving is never a good idea, but this dumbass took it to a whole new level:

A North Pole man was surprised when police accused him of stealing a car from a gentleman club in Fairbanks. The man, 27, explained to officers that he was in his Chevy Cavalier. The only problem, police said, was that he was behind the wheel of a Ford Escort.

Police charged the man with auto theft, felony driving under the influence and misdemeanor drugs misconduct Police said his blood-alcohol content was .166, more than twice the legal limit.

Now, I've been known to have a few, mostly on the weekend or after a devastating election night landslide (see below), but I've never gotten blitzed enough to inadvertently swipe someone else's car. My neighbors will vouch for the fact that I stick to the occasional accidental home burglary.

So...

...I was out at a city council meeting during the better part of the evening. Did I miss anything important?

Oh, yeah. That. If anybody needs me, I'll be drinking heavily.

Election Day

I went to cast my vote earlier this morning. There wasn't a line, but the booths were pretty much full. Oh, and as for the "youth vote," I was the youngest person there. I'm in my early thirties.

Anyway, if you're registered, you should get out and vote. Otherwise, P. Diddy might come and get you...

What's in a name?

Something tells me that 19-year-old Brit George Garratt (well, formerly, anyway) is the kind of person who craves a lot of attention:

A British 19-year-old has officially changed his name to "Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined."

That's got to be the most ridiculous name I've ever seen. I mean, Batman is just an ordinary man and neither the Hulk or Wolverine is known for being very fast. Sheesh.

The teen said he used an online service to officially change his name for a $20 fee.

"I wanted to be unique," Captain Fantastic said of his name choice. "I decided upon a theme of superheroes."

No, really? You don't say. But you left out Obviousman.

Time to take away and throw away the key

When you get in a car accident and are subsequently arrested because you were driving drunk, it's time for some, er, sober reflection on what you've done. Well, that's true for most people, but I guess not for this dumbass:

Police say a central Pennsylvania man was arrested on drunken driving charges twice in less than six hours. The man's first arrest came just before 11 a.m. Sunday after police said his car hit the back of a stopped vehicle in Manheim Township, Lancaster County.

The man was arrested for suspected DUI. After he was processed, he was released to his girlfriend.

The man was arrested again just before 4 p.m. after police said a second accident happened after he turned left in front of another vehicle.

And after that one, they sent his drunk ass to jail. Somehow, I don't think his girlfriend would have come and picked him up again anyway.

Happy Halloween!

I don't really do anything special as far as Halloween is concerned. I usually just stay at home and hand out candy to the trick or treaters. Oh, and I finally got around to carving my Jack-O-Lantern today, too. Later, I'm just going to hit the local watering hole.

Anyway, that said, enjoy the following (but note that there's a CONTENT WARNING, seeing as how it's full of violence and gore and even has some brief nudity--the trifecta!):

Can't drive 4'5"

The Vietnamese Health Ministry has apparently abandoned a plan that would prohibit people who are too short, too light, or who have small chests from driving motorbikes, which would make little sense to me, seeing as how most of the Vietnamese people I know aren't exactly a bunch of chubby, barrel-chested giants:

The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes — as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8) or too thin (less than 88 pounds).

When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts.

Asked for a comment, a police spokesman said, "Damn it, we were really, really looking forward to that."

I can't wait for their Jasper Johns exhibit

If you're in Germany and you're looking for a bit of culture, might I suggest you try the restroom?

A public toilet in Munich which has been transformed into an art museum has attracted hundreds of people in the first days after opening, a spokesman for the city's tourism agency said on Thursday.

Built in 1894, the toilet house was originally constructed to serve nearby households which lacked necessary facilities.

After being in use for over a hundred years, the toilets were locked up in 1992 because they were very rarely used.

"On the night we opened, around 800 people came to see our work," initiator of the museum project, Mathias Koehler told Reuters.

He said that a toilet was a great place for artistic expression because art is a form of relief in the same way that going to the toilet is.

Anybody who knows me and has heard my opinion on modern art would not be surprised to find that I agree with Koehler 100 percent. It's just like going to the toilet.

Today is Rileyween!

Old dirty bastard

The idea that a couple of young women could take advantage of a kindly 82-year-old man just goes to show how much our society has declined, right? Well, not exactly:

The Lexington Herald-Leader reported that police said they were initially concerned that women in their 20s, often seen at the man's home, were taking advantage of him.

Police begin their investigation after the man called the department several times to report missing medication, household items and a television.

But officers soon discovered he gave two women the prescription drug OxyContin in exchange for sex.

*Uh-uh-urp* Sorry, but I just threw up a little in my mouth.

However, I fully stand by my comment about society's decline, seeing as how a horny octogenarian could take advantage of a couple of impressionable young drug addicts like that. For shame.

Ham on the run

There are times when I forget just how big and varied a country this is. But then, when I read about warnings like this, it jogs my memory:

Authorities in a West Virginia county are warning residents not to eat any wayward pigs they find after five medicated swine escaped from an overturned truck.

Frank Chapman of the Putnam County Office of Emergency Services said the pigs still missing after the Oct. 15 crash on Route 34 were "heavily medicated and could pose a health risk if found and slaughtered for their meat," the Charleston (W.Va.) Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

Chapman said he did not know exactly what medications the pigs had been given but antibiotics may have been among them.

"If they've been dosed recently, there could be a health risk," he told the Charleston Gazette. "We were just told by the company that they had been medicated."

I'm just saying that here in suburban Southern California, if a bunch of farm animals escape from an overturned truck, they don't immediately issue a warning telling us not to butcher and eat them.

Wedding day jitters

Lots of people get cold feet on their wedding day, but I'm pretty sure most of them handle the situation a lot better than this guy did:

A Japanese man set fire to the hotel where he was due to get married at the weekend, rather than go through with the ceremony later the same day, newspaper reports said Monday.

Tatsuhiko Kawata, 39, had gone along with wedding plans despite already having a wife, the Yomiuri newspaper said.

"I thought if I set a fire I wouldn't have to go through with the wedding," the Yomiuri quoted him as telling police.

The thought occurs to to me that it may have been a wee bit easier to just tell the gal that you were, you know, already married sometime before the big day. Sure, there probably would have been an ugly scene, but most likely a lot less prison time. Dumbass.

I guess he couldn't find a ride with anyone

When you're on trial for auto theft, it's probably not such a good idea to, well, you can probably guess where I'm going with this...

Police have charged a man with stealing a Lexus SUV he drove to court the day a jury was to decide whether to convict him in a separate auto theft case. The man was arraigned Monday on charges of receiving a stolen vehicle and receiving stolen property after police saw him approach the stolen Lexus in front of the courthouse with its keys in hand.

Police were attracted to the SUV after bystanders noticed several Yorkshire terriers mulling around it.

The man was also charged with animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle.

And he got convicted on the other charge, too. You can chalk that up to bad luck, but I'm pretty sure the guy's problem is actually his deep, deep stupidity.

Waiter, there's an antler in my chow mein

You know, something suspicious might be going on when General Tso's Venison suddenly shows up on the menu at your local Chinese restaurant:

Erie County Health Department officials said they got a tip Friday about a dead deer in the China King restaurant in the town of Hamburg, just south of Buffalo.

An inspector soon arrived and saw the deer being butchered in the kitchen.

State health laws prohibit butchering an animal inside a restaurant.

Officials don't know whether the deer had been killed by a hunter or a vehicle. They said there was no indication the deer meat was served to any customers.

Well, that's a relief, I guess. Unfortunately, however, they were served massive amounts of MSG.

John Oates?

That's who they had sing the national anthem tonight at game five of the World Series. I mean, he sounded good and everything, but I think that may have been the first time he's performed in public since 1989. I guess Art Garfunkel was busy.

It's not the most wonderful time of the year

It's not even Halloween yet, and I just saw my first Christmas commercial. What the hell, people? Can't you at least wait until we throw away the pumpkins?

Criminal masterminds tripped up somehow

It never ceases to amaze me just how stupid a lot of people who commit crimes are. Case in point:

Two people in a group of four who allegedly ate at a North Dakota restaurant and left without paying filled out comment cards with their names.

A 17-year-old girl has been cited as a juvenile for theft, the Bismarck (N.D.) Tribune reported. A 19-year-old woman could face a theft charge.

The group allegedly ran up a bill of $77.64 Wednesday night at a Bismarck Applebee's and then departed, a technique known as "dine and dash."

Why the hell would they have used their real names on the comment cards? Oh, right. Because they're idiots.

The wet dog fallacy

Now, I'm not what you'd call a master debater, but something tells me I'd do better in just about any argument than this guy:

A 36-year-old man took revenge on his roommate after she refused to have sex with him by allegedly urinating on her dog, police said. Police said the man was arrested early Thursday morning on tentative charges of criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct related to domestic violence.

According to police reports, the man was drunk when he argued with the woman. After she resisted his advances the man went to the basement where he urinated on her dog and the floor.

He was drunk? I never would have guessed. Needless to say, his roommate wasn't persuaded.

The internets may be hazardous to your job

When people at work know about your online activities (no, not those online activities—pray to God that they never find out about those) you might want to be careful about what you're writing regarding your personal life:

A British call center says an employee who called in sick was caught playing hooky after a night of drinking, and that he effectively confessed on Facebook.

An e-mail exchange between Kyle Doyle, 21, and a human resources worker at the call center revealed the company denied Doyle's claim of skipping work because he was sick after he posted on his Facebook page that he was staying home because he was "still trashed," The Daily Mail reported Thursday.

Wouldn't it be awesome if he was enough of an idiot to write something disparaging about the human resources worker on his Facebook page after the incident?

An army of Morons

I've heard of individuals, families, and groups of friends having problems in common with the sauce, but an entire army? That's a new one:

India's million-plus army is consuming much more alcohol than permitted, causing huge financial losses to the state and raising suspicions of widespread black marketeering, a report said Thursday.

Among the biggest culprits is the Indian army's most prestigious hospital in New Delhi and a military spy unit attached to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's office, the Midday evening newspaper said.

When contacted by AFP, defence ministry and army sources confirmed there was a serious problem.

Indian soldiers are allowed a certain amount of heavily-subsidised liquor for personal consumption, but the report said the limit was being widely flouted.

It said 43 army units had inflicted a loss of around 100 million rupees (at least two million dollars) on the government over the past 18 months, the paper said.

They suspect that people are smuggling it out to sell it to civillians for twice what it costs soldiers, which is bad enough, but I guess it's better than having your entire army shitfaced a good part of the time.

One thumb down

It's one thing when a criminal leaves behind a small clue like a hair or a fiber from his clothing behind at the scene of the crime, but this is ridiculous:

Police say a 22-year-old man and an accomplice made off with hundreds of dollars in cash in the Oct. 11 raid. According to charging documents, one of the victims took control of the suspect's silver machete and hacked off his right thumb.

About two hours after the robbery, a nine-fingered man went to an emergency room. Police caught up with him and brought the severed thumb to the hospital.

According to an arrest affidavit, a doctor told police the thumb "fits like a puzzle piece."

Leaving behind his thumbprint like that, it was only a matter of time before they caught up with him.

Bork bork bork, glug glug glug

Everybody knows that I'm a fan of the sauce, but damn, these Scandis make me look like a piker:

A Swedish court has returned more than 700 gallons of beer and liquor to a couple who had been accused of smuggling the booze into the country from Germany.

The court tossed the charges against the Pitea, Sweden, couple and ordered the booze be returned after their defense team argued that bringing the alcohol into Sweden from Germany was not a crime because it was marked for personal use, The Local reported Wednesday.

More than 700 gallons of beer and liquor for personal use? You people might have a bit of a drinking problem. Oh, wait, there's more...

The couple said the 711.2 gallons of beer, 7.1 gallons of wine and 1.1 gallons of hard liquor confiscated from their minivan by customs officials had been purchased for their son's approaching 40th birthday party, the wife's 60th birthday party, their daughter's wedding, a friend's 70th birthday party and a New Year's party.

Still, that's almost 144 gallons of booze per party. I would guess these aren't intimate little affairs where four or five people show up for a couple of hours. I would hope not, anyway.

I wonder, how many hundreds of gallons of hooch did they drink to celebrate their acquittal?

Good weed hunting

Seeing as how this happened in Utah, where they frown on stuff like Zima, I'm guessing the target market for all this weed was for export. Well, export or lapsed members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir:

Hunters in central Utah hoping to find some deer this weekend stumbled instead on a marijuana farm worth millions growing in the mountains.

The pot plant collection is the latest of several discovered in Utah in recent weeks, this one estimated to contain several thousand plants, according to KSL-TV.

One hunter described the scene as “quite an operation” complete with a pressurized watering system using a spring from the mountain itself, KSL-TV in Salt Lake City reported.

The hunters also found two men watering the plants, one allegedly armed with a handgun, who police believe were actually living at the site and guarding the operation, the station reported.

When police approached, the suspects “grabbed what they could and took off running” — but eventually Jose Rodriguez and Cesar Duran-Frias and were arrested, Sanpete County Sheriff's Sgt. Greg Peterson told KSL-TV.

Having never been arrested on drug charges, I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure Utah isn't the kind of state where it's ideal to have that happen. Actually, it's not great to get arrested anywhere on drug charges, but Utah probably sucks pretty bad for weed growers.

(thx LK)

On appeal, he can claim his lawyer was incompetent

The saying goes that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. In this case, I think the saying is dead on:

[Joseph] Hallows, 70, son of a former state Supreme Court justice, is representing himself in the trial. On Monday, he testified in his own defense.

In a bizarre scene, Hallows sat in the witness box, chained to the floor, while he asked himself questions and then answered them. He told himself and the jury he is a "very sexual person" but not "obsessed with sex."

Um, Joe, I'm not a lawyer or anything, but testimony like that might not be the best way to defend yourself in a child molestation trial.

Baretender

We all love drinking and we all love nudity, but apparently the two don't mix in one Illinois community:

It's a different take on belly up to the bar. A 24-year-old female bartender in the Mississippi River community of Alton was charged with misdemeanor lewd entertainment after apparently working in the buff. Police arrested the woman last Friday at the Pub Room after someone called to complain.

Authorities said the woman had managed to put on a shirt before officers arrived.

There's no word in the article about the condition of the person who called the police to complain, who I can only assume was later found badly beaten in a dumpster behind the bar.

Friends don't let friends drink and drive and drive

You almost have to feel sorry for a guy who's as big of a dumbass as this guy. Almost, but not quite:

A man has been charged with driving while intoxicated twice in the same day in upstate New York. The first arrest occurred after the man drove to state police headquarters in Millbrook early Sunday to ask for directions. Police said Joseph S. Kelley, of Canton, Mass. had a blood alcohol content of .17 percent, twice New York's legal limit.

After processing, troopers sent Kelley to sleep it off at a hotel. Police said Kelley made the cabbie stop at an ATM to get money for the fare, and ran back to the parking lot and took his SUV.

He was arrested again in a town called Stanford, and this time, they threw his drunk ass in jail.

Now, if you're going to get sauced and get behind the wheel, you're probably not a mental giant to begin with, but who gets drunk and drives to a police station to ask for directions, then gets behind the wheel again when the cops give them a break? Oh, right. A retard.

Sucks to be him

They say that Nature abhors a vacuum, but apparently this guy feels otherwise:

A 29-year-old man was arrested at a car wash in Michigan for allegedly using a vacuum for his sexual pleasure, police say.

Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger alleged the unidentified man was found at a car wash in Saginaw County's Thomas Township "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum," The Saginaw (Mich.) News reported Friday.

To be fair, everyone in Saginaw County knows that particular vacuum is a dirty, dirty whore.

Mother's little helper

When you've had a little too much to drink, but you still need to get home, a designated driver is usually a good idea. The thing is, you should probably pick someone who can reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel at the same time:

An Ontario woman was charged with a traffic violation after having her nine-year-old daughter drive her home following a night of drinking.

"The woman was concerned that she was unable to drive having consumed some alcohol at a social function," police said on Thursday.

I don't think that's quite what they mean when they say "Please drink responsibly."

33 going on 16

Some people (myself included) have dreams sometimes in which they're suddenly back in high school. This kook turned her dreams of returning to high school into a (brief and costly) reality:

A 33-year-old woman accused of stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity.

Wendy Brown faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in a Wisconsin high school as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.

According to a federal complaint, Brown attended one day of classes, practiced with the cheerleading squad and went to a party at the coach's house.

I guess she fit in fairly well, then. According to this account of the case (which features a picture of the erstwhile teenager) the whole thing began to unravel when she couldn't make it to class after being arrested on a separate fraud charge. Now, she's facing some serioous detention. We're talking more than twelve years' worth.

Lost and found

You know what sucks? Losing your wallet. But sometimes, it sucks even more when someone finds it and turns it into the cops:

Police in Masterton, New Zealand, said a woman was charged with possession of marijuana after her lost wallet containing the drug was turned in to officers.

Investigators said the wallet was turned in by a citizen who found it by the side of the road and officers discovered the small tin of marijuana inside while searching for identification, The Dominion Post reported Thursday.

They arrested her when she showed up to claim the wallet. I mean, I guess they would've arrested her anyway, seeing as how her ID was probably in there. But wouldn't it be hilarious if she had, you know, forgotten that the weed was in there until she showed up and they busted her?

Sure, disco sucks...

...but it could help to save your life. Well, one disco song, specifically:

U.S. doctors have found the Bee Gees 1977 disco anthem "Stayin' Alive" provides an ideal beat to follow while performing chest compressions as part of CPR on a heart attack victim.

The American Heart Association calls for chest compressions to be given at a rate of 100 per minute in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). "Stayin' Alive" almost perfectly matches that, with 103 beats per minute.

CPR is a lifesaving technique involving chest compressions alone or with mouth-to-mouth rescue breathing. It is used in emergencies such as cardiac arrest in which a person's breathing or heartbeat has stopped.

CPR can triple survival rates, but some people are reluctant to do it in part because they are unsure about the proper rhythm for chest compressions. But research has shown many people do chest compressions too slowly during CPR.

In a small study headed by Dr. David Matlock of the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, listening to "Stayin' Alive" helped 15 doctors and medical students to perform chest compressions on dummies at the proper speed.

Five weeks after practicing with the music playing, they were asked to perform CPR again on dummies by keeping the song in their minds, and again they kept up a good pace.

The article makes no mention as to whether or not the ballad "How Deep is Your Love?" has any possible medical applications.

Crack attack

A lot of people are tense about rising prices and an economic downturn, and it turns out that crackheads are no exception:

Gus Young Jr. was arrested on charges including criminal mischief and disorderly intoxication after allegedly smashing a DVD case and destroyed a counter partition Tuesday at Dixon's Food Mart, TCPalm.com reported Wednesday.

Police said the manager of the store spotted Young outside the store after officers arrived and the suspect was arrested. The police report states Young smelled of alcohol and was "challenging people to fight."

"When Young calmed down, he said he was upset that the price of a rock (crack cocaine) had gone up to $20 from $10," the report stated. "Young claimed he swung his fist at a drug dealer in the store, but the drug dealer ducked and Young struck the partition and DVD case instead of the drug dealer."

The lesson here? You should wait until you're outside the convenience store to take a swing at a drug dealer. Fighting in an enclosed space like that is a recipe for trouble.

Oh, and you probably shouldn't smoke crack, either. Yeah.

Thou shalt not file frivolous lawsuits

I know that judges have to be technical when they make their rulings, but I think that in this case, something along the lines of "This is a retarded waste of everybody's time" would have sufficed:

A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn't properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Sen. Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Chambers has said he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

On Tuesday, however, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk ruled that under state law a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a lawsuit to move forward.

"Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice," Polk wrote.

Chambers thinks the judge's ruling offers a loophole, claiming that since the court's ruling acknowledges the existence of God, it also somehow acknowledges God's omnipotence, so therefore, God knows about the lawsuit. I don't think logic is exactly his strong suit.

He hasn't decided whether or not he's going to appeal the ruling. Let's pray to God that he doesn't waste any more of the Nebraska court system's time.

Teenagers are stupid

And no, it's not just teenage boys, either, though they probably do the majority of stupid teenage shit. Sometimes, the girls have a common sense FAIL, too:

An Australian activist has warned teenage girls in the country to refrain from writing their phone numbers on their backs while sunbathing.

Girls, ages 14 and 15, have been spotted sunbathing at Sydney beaches with their phone numbers written on their backs in blue zinc cream in what they described as an attempt to meet boys, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday.

Concerned adult Nikki Goldstein said it is dangerous for girls to display their "phone number on the Internet or anywhere that could make them a target."

[...]

One of the sunbathing girls, Lizzy, 15, said the plan she hatched with her friends to meet boys has already backfired in a menacing way.

"An old guy tried to talk to me. He was trying to take pictures of us," she said.

No, you don't say. I mean, here you've put a sign on your back that might as well read "Please, feel free to call my home and breathe heavily into the phone as you masturbate," and you attracted the attention of some creepy old perv? Who could've possibly seen that coming?

The not-so-happy couple

Married couples, so I'm told, are supposed to share things with each other. But there are some things I'm sure people would rather their spouses didn't share with them. Like AIDS, for instance:

Opening statements began Tuesday in a lawsuit that claims a man gave his ex-wife AIDS on their honeymoon.

The couple were identified in court papers only as Bridget B. and John B.

"He engaged in reckless, risky, unprotected sexual conduct with numerous men while he was dating Bridget and through their marriage," argued her attorney, Lars Johnson.

The ex-husband, who is acting as his own attorney, said he did not consider himself a homosexual and argued that the woman gave him HIV.

"I'm an innocent man," he said.

Bridget B. testified Tuesday that she thought her husband was a "regular, down-to-earth nice guy" when she met him at a conference for black professionals in Detroit in 1998.

They married in July 2000 and both were diagnosed with HIV that October. They divorced in October 2003.

Bridget B.'s court papers contend that John B.'s e-mails show that he had a "rampant, high-risk secret (homo)sexual lifestyle" that resulted in his being infected.

I love the whole "he did not consider himself a homosexual" thing. Now, where have I heard that before? (Content Warning on that link.)

Veggie rage

Cops in the Netherlands said that a vegetarian recently went nuts and attacked a vendor because the vendor didn't sell vegetarian food:

The suspect allegedly lost his temper after being told by the shopping mall vendor that no vegetarian spring rolls were available. The vegetarian allegedly struck the victim multiple times in the face and head, Radio Netherlands reported Monday without specifying when the attack occurred.

Police said that since the attacker was a skinny, malnourished, vegetarian twig-boy, the vendor did not suffer any serious injuries.

Okay, I may have inserted that last paragraph myself, but I imagine that it's fairly accurate.

Recipe for disaster

Banquet food usually isn't all that great, but this is ridiculous:

Some 170 wedding banquet guests were rushed to hospital in north China when powdered rust remover was added to the pot instead of salt after they all decided it needed added flavor, Chinese media said.

In a bizarre coincidence, 61 wedding guests were taken to hospital with similar symptoms a day earlier after a duck-and-donkey-meat banquet in northwest China.

In the rust remover case, the bride's proud father invited 170 friends and relatives to the wedding banquet at a village in northern Hebei province on Friday, the night before the nuptials, the Beijing News said.

"All food was stewed in a big pot but after dinner started, all of them felt the taste was too bland," the newspaper said.

Someone added what he or she thought was salt -- several times. An hour later, the guests were being rushed to hospital.

"When I arrived at the hospital, the observation room was packed with people vomiting, with stomach pains and with diarrhea," a doctor was quoted as saying.

The symptoms were short-lived and all the victims were released by the next day.

Now, they're going to have to figure out who the genius was that essentially put poison that looked like salt in the kitchen. Good job!

I don't know what the legal system is like in China, but if something like that happened here, a lot of lawyers would be making a lot of money. And the victims might even get a few bucks, too.

Important political news

In this bitter season of partisan politics, it turns out that there's at least one issue that the candidates can agree on:

McCain, a Republican senator from Arizona, and Obama, a Democratic senator from Illinois, both told their 13-year-old interviewers on "Nick News with Linda Ellerbee: Kids Pick the President," that their favorite childhood Halloween costumes were swashbuckling buccaneers, the Chicago Sun-Times reported Friday.

"When I see the way they behave in the United States Senate, sometimes I wish I (could) put my costume on and take my sword out or my dagger and get 'em back in line," McCain said.

Obama described the pirate costume he wore when he was 3 years old as "one of the best costumes of all time," complete with a pirate sword and a "little mustache."

If that's not the essence of American bipartisanship, I don't know what is—two politicians with fundamental differences crossing the aisle to agree on something stupid and pointless.

The case of the cottontail caper

I'm no expert on armed robbery, but I'm pretty sure it's best not to do it while wearing something quite this conspicuous:

Swedish police said they have arrested two people accused of plotting to rob a currency exchange office while one wore a blue bunny costume.

Authorities said the pair and five alleged assistants were arrested after the two allegedly attempted to rob the targeted office but were foiled by staff members who activated a security door, Swedish News Agency TT reported Thursday.

Witnesses said one of the suspects was dressed in a blue bunny costume and the other was wearing a crash helmet and holding a shotgun. They were both being held on suspicion of armed robbery Wednesday, police said.

If they'd managed to get away, that would have been one hell of an APB. "Be on the lookout for a man in a helmet and a six foot tall blue bunny. Be advised that they are armed and dangerous, and one may be carrying a basket full of brightly colored eggs."

Someone else's home is where you lay your head

If you're going to go out and get hammered and you don't have a designated driver, one way to do the responsible thing and avoid a DUI is to take public transportation home. Thing is, though, you want to make sure you actually, you know, make it back to your home:

Unlike Goldilocks, a man who stumbled into the wrong suburban Washington, D.C., home after drinking too much found the bed there just right.

Bob and Joanne Breiner returned home from a night out to find a man with a white beard nestled in their bed, sound asleep. Once police showed up and the drunken stranger realized what had happened, he apologized profusely and complimented the couple on their comfortable bed.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," Joanne Breiner recalled him saying.

The man accidentally went to the Breiners' house after apparently getting off at a bus stop eight miles from his own home, police said. He entered through the unlocked front door.

The cops came and woke the guy up without incident, the homeowners didn't press charges after finding out that he'd recently lost his job, and they even gave him some food. Awwwwww. Isn't that just the most heartwarming story about a drunken accidental burglary that you've ever heard?

Even so, I'm guessing the Breiners will be locking their doors from now on.

Justice is blind, not blonde

Having never dyed my hair, I don't know much about the subject, but I was under the impression that it wasn't permanent:

A Connecticut judge has given the brush-off to a blonde woman's lawsuit claiming L'Oreal Inc. ruined her social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette with one of its products.

Charlotte Feeney of Stratford says she can never return to her natural blonde hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants.

She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blondes receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time.

Supposedly, this delicate flower whose self-esteem seems to have been entirely (and somewhat unhealthily) tied to the color of her hair, had alleged that she bought a box of L'Oreal blonde hair dye that actually contained brown dye, but was unable to prove it.

Wait a minute. If her hair had a "natural blonde hue," then why did she need blonde hair dye in the first place? And why couldn't she just dye it back? Oh, right. Because she was probably faking all of that bullshit, thinking she'd get a big payday.

Preventing an EUI

Do you enjoy drinking? Of course you do. Do you enjoy the internets? Well, you're here. Now, someone has come up with a way for you to enjoy the two together more responsibly:

A Swiss Google engineer said he has designed an online sobriety test aimed at preventing people from sending e-mail while drunk.

Jon Perlow said the feature, which requires users to solve five simple math questions in 60 seconds, was inspired by his own intoxicated misuse of e-mail, the New York Post reported Wednesday.

"Sometimes, I send messages I shouldn't," Perlow wrote to the newspaper. "Like … the time I sent that late-night e-mail to my ex-girlfriend that we should get back together."

Now, if only they could invent a breathalyzer for your phone...that probably could save us all some embarrassment at one time or another.

Tight pants land women in tight spot

When tight pants are outlawed, only outlaws will have tight pants:

South Sudan's president shut down a police investigation Wednesday that saw scores of young women arrested for "disturbing the peace" by wearing tight trousers.

The women were arrested over the past week by police who said they suspected them of belonging to youth gangs known for drinking, fighting and public nudity.

I could do without the fighting, but the rest of the stuff those gangs are involved in sounds intriguing. Where can I sign up?

But government officials, including the south's gender minister, said they were angry at the way the women had been targeted and treated after arrest.

President Salva Kiir had ordered a "serious investigation" into the police crackdown, said a government minister.

Kiir also ordered the immediate release of any woman arrested under the operation in the south's capital Juba, and said there were questions over its legality, Southern Minister for Presidential Affairs Luka Biong added in a statement.

Well, I'm glad they're free. But I'm even happier that we live in a country where you can't get hassled by the authorities simply based on what kind of pants you're wearing. Oh, wait...

A different kind of pork in Washington

I understand that when you're a public figure in this day and age, you can never be too careful about your security, but this is just crazy:

A suspicious package delivered to U.S. Rep. John Boehner's West Chester, Ohio, office turned out to be raw bacon, the Butler County Bomb Squad said.

Four people inside the office were evacuated Monday as bomb squad officers examined the grease-stained package, WCPO-TV, Cincinnati, reported Tuesday.

I hope they didn't blow up the package, because wasting bacon is a real crime.

Can you blame him?

Most people aren't fans of jury duty, and this guy, while he may not be very bright, appears to be no exception:

Curtis Lemons was supposed to report for jury duty in a drunk driving case. Instead, according to authorities, the 50-year-old Cape Girardeau man skipped the jury duty so he could drink himself.

Lemons received a summons to appear as a prospective juror in the case. When he didn't show up on Monday, a bailiff called his house. Lemons told the bailiff he was too busy to come to court.

Associate Circuit Judge Scott Thomsen instructed officers to bring Lemons to the courthouse. Deputies say they detected a strong odor of alcohol on him. Lemons was held in custody while the DWI trial went on.

While I'd certainly rather hang around at home getting blitzed than show up for jury duty, I hardly think it'd be worth the $250 contempt of court fine the judge slapped him with.

There are better ways to win an argument

Okay, I've read through this story four or five times, and I can't make any sense out of it:

A dog eating a watermelon helped cause a Boston man to repeatedly stab himself to prove to his brother he wasn't afraid of pain, police say.

A police report said the two unidentified brothers got into an argument this week after a dog belonging to one of the men consumed a watermelon owned by his brother, the Boston Herald said Thursday.

Tuesday's argument over the missing watermelon escalated into a shouting match between the siblings that allegedly caused one brother to repeatedly stab himself in order to show he didn't care if he got hurt, police say.

The other one barricaded himself into a room, saying he didn't want to go to jail for stabbing his brother, which, seeing as how he, you know, hadn't stabbed his brother, wasn't really an issue anyway.

The article doesn't say one way or another, but I'm guessing that either a lack of medication or a little too much "medication" was involved in this incident.

Drunken master

Everybody knows that I'm a fan of the hooch, but compared to this guy, I look like a regular Carrie Nation:

The 34-year-old [Stanley] Kobierowski was arrested after driving into a highway message board on Interstate 95. Authorities said he had the highest blood alcohol level ever recorded for anyone in Rhode Island who wasn't dead.

Police said Kobierowski registered a .489, then a .491, breathalyzer tests. The legal limit in Rhode Island is .08.

Wisely, he decided to plead no contest to drunk driving charges, taking a $500 fine, community service, and the loss of his license for a year. I don't think he had much of a case.

Kobierowski's liver was unavailable for comment.

News flash!

Actual Reuters headline: Many workers do not respect their bosses.

Wow. Thanks for clearing that up for us, guys.

Let's go Rays!

Fucking Red Sox. Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh!

LIGHT UP THE HALO!

After getting beaten like a red-headed stepchild in eleven straight postseason games (going back to the 1986 ALCS!) the Angels finally squeaked one out 5-4 against the hated Boston Red Sox tonight. Let's hope they have it in them to win two more.

I got nothin'

My blinding hatred of the Boston Red Sox has rendered me incapable of blogging right now. I'm off to drink heavily.

Game over

Call me insensitive, but I find it oddly comforting to know that America isn't the only country that freaks out and bans things after some whackjob shoots up a school:

An Internet game in which players roam a school and kill kindergarten students with a shotgun has been pulled from a Finnish children's gaming site one week after the country's worst school shooting.

"We have removed pages from our site that are not necessarily appropriate for younger family members," lastenpelit.fi said in a statement on its Web site.

The game, "Kindergarten Killer," can be found widely on the Web.

Matti Saari, 22, last week killed 10 people at a vocational school in Kauhajoki, Finland, in the country's second school shooting in less than a year. Saari prefaced his rampage with boastful video clips on Web sites such as YouTube.

So why didn't they yank YouTube as well?

Look, the game sounds distasteful and it's probably not appropriate for little kids, but I doubt some stupid web-based game caused this guy to go on a shooting rampage.

Guns, booze, and blueballs are a bad combination

Man, if I reacted like this guy every time I got liquored up and was turned down by a woman, I'd have been dead a long time ago:

Jonathon Guabello, 29, was treated for the gunshot wound then booked into the Lee County Jail on charges of threatening violence and firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling, the Fort Myers News-Press reported Thursday.

Guabello's 24-year-old girlfriend said the suspect had been under the influence of Xanax and alcohol when he became enraged at her refusal of his sexual overtures. She said she took her dog with her into a spare bedroom and she heard two gunshots several minutes later.

The girlfriend said Guabello told her he would kill her if she dialed 911, then stumbled into the kitchen where he was knocked unconscious when he tripped and hit his head on the oven door.

You've gotta love the real-life slapstick comedy. Unless you're Jonathon or his girlfriend. They probably took the whole thing pretty seriously.

Sack lunch

Looking for something new and different in the kitchen? A bold, new flavor? Well, there's a horrifying new cookbook coming out tomorrow that could give you some recipe ideas:

Squeamish men look away now: a Serbian chef is bringing out Thursday a no-holds-barred guide to cuisine with a twist: "The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls."

Hailed as the world's first testicle recipe collection by e-book publishers YUDU, the cookbook includes author Ljubomir Erovic's favourite dishes, like testicle pizza, battered testicles and and barbecued testicles and giblets.

The e-book, available for download from the Internet, comes with handy video guides showing the Serb peeling the skin off testicles and slicing them up into bite-size chunks.

Wow. That doesn't sound at all disturbing.

Several different animals, including stallions, ostriches, bulls, pigs and turkeys, get the Erovic treatment.

"Wash testicles thoroughly for 30-45 minutes," begins the recipe for testicles pie.

"Once softened, mince them in a mincer."

A "very sharp knife" is needed for traditional style testicles, which get boiled, cut up and deep fried in hot oil.

Erovic, 45, may be self-taught in the art of testicle cuisine but his 20 years of "cooking with balls" make him a world authority in the field.

Gee, his mom and dad must be so proud!

"The tastiest testicles in my opinion probably come from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favourites," he said.

"All testicles can be eaten -- except human, of course."

If you were expecting some kind of dirty joke here, well, normally, you'd be right. But I'm kind of tired right now, and I don't feel like putting in the effort. That, and all I could think of was something about "The San Francisco Treat," and I just don't need a hate crime charge right now.

Feel the burn

Some genius in Wisconsin just proved that the formula for comedy gold includes one part stupidity, one part gasoline, and a little fire:

Police said a man was arrested after he used a cigarette lighter while trying to siphon gasoline from a van. The man, who was visiting friends, went to drive home early Saturday but realized that he didn't have enough gas in his SUV.

Police said the man tried to siphon the gas with help from another woman, but he couldn't see how much gas was in the container, so he used the lighter to check.

A blast of fire burned his hands and caused nearby residents to call police.

Insult was then literally added to injury when the cops found the two of them in a nearby parking lot and arrested him. If real life had a soundtrack, I'm pretty sure that some version of this would have been playing in the background throughout the course of the incident.